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FMIL plans to wear ivory

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janinegirly

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so my FMIL says she plans to wear the same dress she wore to her daughter's wedding..and it's ivory and long.



i'm not a stickler for etiquette, but i thought wearing white was a very obvious faux pas? my dress is also ivory. i know i can't tell her what to wear, or even hint..so pretty much no choice here. but i'm wondering if that custom is outdated or if i am overreacting.

 
you are right; you should not wear white or ivory. If it does not bother you then let it go.
 
well it does bother me..but i can''t really tell FMIL what to wear. or even ask...i think that might create problems. don''t know what to do...
 
No, you're right. She's not supposed to wear white/ivory. But all the attention will be on you and since she's older, no one will mistake her for the bride. So as long as it's not a strapless ballgown, I would probably let it go.

But if it's important to you, have your FI talk to her. She'll probably come around if she is informed that it is against custom.
 
Date: 4/30/2007 2:13:13 PM
Author: neatfreak
No, you're right. She's not supposed to wear white/ivory. But all the attention will be on you and since she's older, no one will mistake her for the bride. So as long as it's not a strapless ballgown, I would probably let it go.

But if it's important to you, have your FI talk to her. She'll probably come around if she is informed that it is against custom.
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i agree w/ Neatfreak. I am sorry.
 
Does she know you''re wearing ivory?

You can suggest that she not wear it by suggesting another color, but you do have to speak up for yourself here carefully. Maybe tell her you''d like her to wear blue, or green or whatever color would be good but NOT ivory!!!
 
Here''s the thing ... telling her NOW it''s "against etiquitte" is telling her she was "wrong" for wearing it to her own daughter''s wedding. There''s no way for her to save face & she may be very embarrassed & defensive.

It''s a tough situation but I''d just let it go ... she won''t upstage you & she''ll have more $$ for your gift since she doesn''t have to buy another dress ..
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Even though I know it''s kind of petty to think that someone was wearing the same color as me, it would still bother me. But I wouldn''t be able to think of a graceful way out of it, so I''d probably end up letting it go. If anyone notices, they''ll think she looks foolish, not you!
 
Date: 4/30/2007 2:24:18 PM
Author: basil
Even though I know it''s kind of petty to think that someone was wearing the same color as me, it would still bother me. But I wouldn''t be able to think of a graceful way out of it, so I''d probably end up letting it go. If anyone notices, they''ll think she looks foolish, not you!
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VERY good point! She''s the one breaking custom, not you!
 
I think that is pretty rude and seems to me she is not being fair. Maybe your fiance could joke to her about your should be the only one in ivory. Is it a financial issue? Is there any chance she could gently be persuaded to buy another dress? I have to say I know in the scheme of life it is not that big a deal but I would not love that.
 
Wow, I would be really pissed. FMIL and my mom asked me early on what colors they should wear. I told them they could wear whatever they wanted as long as it wasn''t a shade of white.

I agree that no one will be mistaking her for you, but if it were me, I''d make my FI say something to her.
 
i agree but there''s not much i can do without looking like the bad guy. i could tell FI but doubt he''d say anything. he doesn''t want to even say anything about the rehearsal dinner (which still is not booked).

what i don''t get is how her daughter never said a word (she also wore ivory). so it''d be like me makign a big deal when her own daughter didn''t. arghh. i just thought this was such an obvious thing.

meanwhile my mom is following everything by the book..wanted to call his mom and compare dress colors to make sure they don''t clash..but i told her she was wearing ivory, and my mom was like "no she''s not supposed to do that!". yup, but what can ya do..
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style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 63px">Date: 4/30/2007 2:42:35 PM
Author: janinegirly
what i don''t get is how her daughter never said a word (she also wore ivory). so it''d be like me makign a big deal when her own daughter didn''t. arghh. i just thought this was such an obvious thing.
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Well, if her daughter is anything like me, she probably didn''t care. I wouldn''t have cared if my mom wore white like me. In fact, she wore a short black dress, which I know a lot of folks don''t care for, either.

I agree that it''s a tough situation if her daughter didn''t complain. I don''t know...
 
I helped photograph a wedding a couple weeks ago in which there were at least 15 people involved in the wedding who were wearing white. There were 5 "hostesses" wearing white dresses; 2 directors; a mulititude of aunts all dressed in white; AND the mother of the bride and mother of the groom also wore white. In fact they were long formal white dresses. All of these people (except the mothers) walked down the aisle to their seat of honor.

I had never seen so many people wearing white at a wedding. I, too, thought white was reserved for the bride. Maybe this is a cultural thing or maybe just the preference of this bride.

Anyway, even though there was lots of white, and the mothers also had on white, there was no mistaking WHO the bride was and no one upstaged her because of a color they were wearing. I agree with those who posted above that I would probably just let it go and let FMIL wear what she has planned to wear, especially since you can't really point out that she was so wrong to wear it once already. You are the bride and all eyes will be on you no matter what color someone else is wearing.

By the way, my ex MIL wore WHITE at my wedding, although she claimed it was BEIGE..... but oh it was so white. I just let it go.

GOOD LUCK!!!
 
If it bothers you and you don''t feel comfortable talking with her about it, def have your FI talk about it with your FMIL.

This would REALLY bother me as well. To me this is a big no-no. If ya''ll do deceide to talk with her about it do it sooner rather than later so she''ll have time to find a replacement dress.
 
My MIL originally bought an ivory dress for my wedding- the color was the main problem, secondly it was ugly and nightgownish. When she asked for my opinion, I didn't even know what to say. It got around to her that I didn't want her to wear a shade of white (how, I have no idea) and she was so upset that I didn't tell her that I didn't like it. But my MIL takes things very personally so it turned into something much bigger than it had to be. In the end, she got another dress that was more of a beige-y champagne. Bottom line: I learned that I should have told her when she asked my opinion. However, your FMIL doesn't sound like she cares for your opinion; I think you have two options. 1. ignore it or 2. Just tell her that since you are the bride and since you have chosen to wear white/ivory due to tradition, you would prefer if she found another dress in a non-white shade.

Think of it this way- the FMIL wore probably white to her wedding and I bet no one else did. In fact, my MIL was supposedly very adamant about wearing "pure" white for her wedding.

ETA: I wouldn't have your FI talk to her about it, she may see it as you being scared or afraid to talk to her- you're both adults, you talk to her; even if it's uncomfortable, it's honest.
 
My FMIL is wearing ivory to our wedding too (this Saturday... eek!!)... a long black skirt and an ivory shirt and jacket. A few weeks ago her dress shop made a mistake and ordered her jacket in white instead of ivory, and she was very concerned because she said she''d ordered ivory specifically so that it would look different from my white dress. She asked me if I would be offended if she wore the white jacket, and I said that it wasn''t that big of a deal to me, but some people might not consider it proper etiquette... so she found a different ivory jacket and is now wearing that instead.

I was actually really surprised that she chose ivory in the first place... it doesn''t seem all that different from white to me, and she is usually fairly conscious of etiquette-type things. I probably would have preferred she wear a different color just for the sake of pictures (my mom is wearing aubergine and I think it''ll be beautiful in pix!).... but if she is happy with it, I figure there are worse things to worry about.
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I agree that telling her its an etiquette faux paux may not be the best plan, since she's already worn it to a wedding. Could you say something to the effect of it was fine for FSis's wedding, but since your dress is ivory, it might not be the best choice for yours, plus you'd really like to see her in ___ color (insert flattery about loving the other dress, but loving another color on her so much more). Whoops, just read that FSis's dress was ivory, so that won't work.

You might also try to get someone else to mention that she really shouldn't wear it. Like have a friend or relative ask what color she's wearing and when she says ivory, reply "Oh, but Janinegirly's dress is ivory, so I thought you shouldn't wear the same color" Can FSis help you out here? That way she can't get mad at you for telling her what to wear, but will still be told that she really shouldn't wear it.

To add a related story, my friend's stepmom wore white to her wedding. It looks really white in the photos, and combined with the fact that stepmom was a horrible pain throughout the planning (like telling the bride that no one cared she was getting married since she already lived with her fiance), my friend gets pissed off every time she sees photos that include stepmom (and thus left her out of the album).
 
This may sound silly, but have you seen this dress to know the color? I only ask becaue one persons ivory may be anothers beige or cream or soft yellow.

There is saying (from where I have no clue) that the MIL should shut up, show up and wear beige. Not that my MIL needed to shut up (I like her!) but she wore beige/cream/I dont know what color and it didnt bother me. I mean, its was definately lightish, but not enough to take away from my dress which wasnt white.

Thats another thing... ivory in wedding dresses means a lot of different colors too...

Just throwing those thoughts out there!
 
I suppose this is sort of out there...but I wonder if you could give her a "gift"
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of a colored shawl or scarf or something to wear with it???

just a thought..

widget
 
well i saw a photo (but it was black and white) and it looked white. i said oh the dress looks very nice, what color is it? she said ivory or off white. then my mom asked her (at a family "let''s meet each other" dinner this wkend) what color and she said it''s ivory. it''s also long, and sleeveless with a jacket.

she said it cost her a fortune so she''s hoping to wear it to my wedding too. wonderful. i can handle black, even red, but white is just not fair.
i''m beginning to think his family is doing things to spite me! (no rehearsal dinner, no input, no interest and now this).
 
I have to admit I threw a not-so-polite fit when I found out my father was planning on wearing a white on white silk Alhoa shirt to my wedding with light tan pants. My husband wore a white on white silk Alhoa shirt with light tan shorts... I was not happy. I felt it was an insult to my soon-to-be husband.

You have two options. 1) Act like you''ve become color-coordinated obsessed (it happens). Get her a nice shawl or jacket in a color that coordinates with the wedding colors. For instance our colors were yellow and white and my sister and mother both wore turquoise.
2) Make it your fiance''s problem! It''s his mother, he should make sure she doesn''t wear an ivory dress to your wedding. It''s bad enough if anyone wears white but it''s 100X worse if it''s your fmil!!

Good luck!
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What planet is she on???
 
Does just the thought of her wearing it at all bother you? Or is it when you think of photos and how you''d prefer to stand out as the wedding couple without her dress taking the eye away from you? Are you having any black and white photography? I don''t mean to give you more to stress about if you are, I just figured I''d throw that out there, because I know that I wouldn''t want someone thats going to be in lots of the pictures wearing something so close to my dress! Personally I wouldn''t go without at least mentioning it because I know it would bother me, and maybe if she''s made aware of the situation she''ll show some kindness and back down on it, and if she doesn''t, well I''m sorry
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As far as the fact that she wore it to her daughters wedding, I see it as odd that she would wear it to her sons wedding as well, simply because for me it''s one thing if MY mom would be wearing something so close to me (heck, I''d even let my grandma get away with it) but if HIS mom did it, I''d be furious!! lol. Maye it''s because she gets on my nerves in the first place? Who knows.

I think the suggestion of getting her a gift of a colored jacket or shawl that would go well with the dress is a nice way to go about it, get it in a color that looks just wonderful on her and let her know that as soon as you saw it you thought of her and how nice you thought it would look with her dress for your wedding, it doesn''t hurt if you can have it come across that you would feel slighted if she didn''t wear it, ;)

Good luck!!
 
As I remember wedding etiquette (it''s been a while) the bride gets first choice of colour -usually a shade of white- then the bride''s mother and finally the FMIL.

For my daughter''s first wedding, there wasn''t an iissue, I wore dark purplish-blue and her FMIL wore a multi-coloured floral. It was a garden wedding, and everything went beautifully except the marriage
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Several years later DD announced her engagement and subsequent wedding plans so I started my search as well. I found a drop-dead gorgeous, but not bride-like, cream dress. At the "salon", I mentioned that I wasn''t sure it was appropriate, but the saleslady assured me any colour would be fine except red or black. Luckily, I ran my colour choice by DD who very candidly told me, "Don''t go there, Mom". I listened and wore pale pink. BUT, here''s the clincher, all of her future female in-laws and their families wore BLACK and I have to admit they looked stunning in the wedding photos!

Since your FMIL wants her dress to do double duty (and not for financial reasons?), and if DF won''t suggest differently, I would be very diplomatic in speaking to her yourself. Surely, if she knows how important it is to you, she should try to do it your way.
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Good luck!!!
 
Date: 4/30/2007 3:59:04 PM
Author: widget
I suppose this is sort of out there...but I wonder if you could give her a ''gift''
31.gif
of a colored shawl or scarf or something to wear with it???


just a thought..


widget
Click to expand...

I was thinking the SAME thing. I wonder if there is a way to get her to at least adorn herself in color in another way...
 
Date: 4/30/2007 3:59:04 PM
Author: widget
I suppose this is sort of out there...but I wonder if you could give her a ''gift''
31.gif
of a colored shawl or scarf or something to wear with it???

just a thought..

widget
Click to expand...
That''s a nice way to divert the issue...it seems like a silly thing to do to wear ivory to a wedding...but confronting the issue could be a can of worms.
 
Before I state my opinion I must share that my mom wore white to my wedding, and I couldn''t have cared less...we never even discussed the color of her dress. She looked stunning and I was still quite clearly the bride.

That being said, I''d let it go. Whether or not she wears white, everyone will know you''re the bride and if her daughter didn''t make a fuss your doing so could start things off on the wrong foot.
 
Well I probably wouldn''t like that either. Its a well known custom. Can you call her and ask her what color dress she is wearing and then when she tells you ivory, say something like ''oh but that''s my color as the bride.'' Or something like ''well I was hoping to be the only one wearing white do you think you could add a colorful shawl?'' Well I don''t know, something in a light hearted manner. Otherwise it might bother you in pictures. Besides she''s not really so concerned with your feelings or her daughter''s sounds like.

Sorry that you have to deal with that.
 
Even if your MIL wears and ivory dress, at the end of the day, will you and your husband still be married? Yes.

Will your guests still have had a wonderful time at your wedding? Yes.

Will you and your new husband be floating on air from happiness? Yes.

A wedding is about two people making a committment. It''s not about who wore what color. Her wearing an ivory dress is not going to affect what is really important about the day.

Just keep focus on what a wedding is really about and don''t let yourself sweat the small stuff!
 
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