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FMIL plans to wear ivory

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When my older sister got married in ''92, I remember all of us going shopping with my mother and my sis''s MIL and specifically looking for ivory dresses for them!! I think we thought the rule was ''bride in white, moms in ivory''. So, I would not say that everyone knows the etiquette rule! (I know it now, and was only 15 at the time, but everyone else was ''old enough'' to know better!)
We even joked that my mom would wear the same dress to my wedding this year. (and it wouldn''t have bothered me at all!)

My point is she may not have any idea about the faux pas, especially if she wore ivory to her own daughter''s wedding.
 
For some reason it would be her intent that would mean the difference between me letting it go or not. Or me speaking up or not etc.

If she does not know the etiquette and/or not realize it is considered worrisome by many brides, then she is simply this mom witnessing her son get married wearing what I can only assume to be a dress she feels especially pretty in.

If she does know the suggested etiquette but chooses to wear it anyway because she doesn't think you'd be one to mind, then again she is simply a mom wearing a pretty ivory gown and feeling happy that her new daughter-in-law doesn't care about that particular etiquette rule and as a result she gets to feel great in her dress while saving some money :)

If she knows of the etiquette, knows your discomfort with it, and does it anyway..........well........THAT is where the problems start. And in this case, the dress would not be the issue one bit but rather her purposeful disregard in general.


There is a possibilty that since she's worn this ivory number to another wedding and apparently had not been flogged for it, her actions were rewarded so she is likely to do it again. She probably just. has. no. clue.


ETA: I wanted to add that an alternative to a shawl would be maybe some a very colorful pinned corsage, pendant w/some pretty green or pink or whatever in it, earrings to match, and even a colorful wristlet/purse. A splash of color, especially on something she won't likely take off (like the corsage or jewerly) would break up the ivory-ness well :) Oh...and good luck!!
 
te:[/b] 4/30/2007 3:01:13 PM
Author: tanyak
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Well, if her daughter is anything like me, she probably didn''t care. I wouldn''t have cared if my mom wore white like me. In fact, she wore a short black dress, which I know a lot of folks don''t care for, either.


I agree that it''s a tough situation if her daughter didn''t complain. I don''t know...[/quote]

I''m with tanyak. My MIL wore ivory to my wedding and at least one of her other son''s wedding. While I can''t say I didn''t notice or wonder if she knew what the "rule" was, it really didn''t bother me. And like tanyak, my mother wore a short black dress, so there I was in white, surrounded by one in ivory and one in black. To be honest, 2.5 years later, I hardly remember my wedding or what my dress looked like. But if it really is going to bother you, you should probably address it. Good luck!
 
Maybe you could go at it from a different angle, as in, "you wore the dress to your daughter''s wedding, I don''t want our wedding pictures to look the same up on the wall, maybe I could take you shopping for a new one". That might work without being offensive, as long as she doesn''t pick out another ivory one!
 
My MIL wore an ivory suit to our wedding. I know that many brides would feel upset about it, but I didn''t really notice her outfit until after the wedding. I don''t remember feeling anything one way or another about it. Regardless of what anyone else is wearing, you''ll obviously be *The Bride*, and not her, so pay her no mind and enjoy the wonderfulness of your first day as husband and wife.
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I'm going to be the unpopular opinion here, but as long as it's not bridal looking, I wouldn't care. I actually went with my mom when she chose an ivory dress that looked awesome on her, but was unmistakeably NOT bridal. She worried about wearing white, and I told her I didn't care b/c it wasn't a wedding dress, and I thought she should go for it. Our wedding is a formal event as well.

Unfortunately, her friends have told her that she should NOT wear the dress she bought b/c it's white, even though I've already said it's fine and not bridal, but now b/c they sort of chastized her over it, she's going to find something else. The original dress was not expensive, but it just fit her so well, and it's too bad.

I'm not a super traditional person, so I didn't care if she wore white, heck, IMO she deserves a LITTLE bit of extra attention for being the mother of the bride (as could the mother of the groom, that'd be fine with me, again, as long as not bridal). I just felt these are our PARENTS, so sure, if they want white, or ivory, they can have it.

Everyone's different, and I guess the safe thing to do is to not wear white as a parent, but to me it's not a big deal. As long as she's not walking in in a white ballgown and tiara, everyone will know who the bride is.
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I''d be annoyed too. I always thought nobody was supposed to wear white or cream/ivory except the bride. Anyway, that idea about wanting different photos that the other wedding is good idea. You could also tell her you''d like her to wear something with your colors in it? What are your colors for the wedding? Make her feel more important by asking her to go shopping with you to find something that is in your wedding color palette...Would that ploy work, combined with the photo angle...You want her to look like part of the bridal party in the wedding photos by wearing the wedding colors...
 
Is there anyway she has ...put on a few pounds since the last showing of the dress? You may be "buying" extra stress for nothing.

Hmmm...would you consider sending her a gift of dessert of the month to speed things along? Change the plan to every week...just to remind her how sweet she is, or how thankful you are that she raised such a SWEET SON. Start on Mothers day...or the 12 days of mothers day starting tomorrow.
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I agree with the others...it won''t matter...you will be the center of attention. Even if it is the exact shade...a dress on another woman WILL NOT DISTRACT FROM YOU ~ your glow will be undeniable. Let not your heart be troubled over something...so obviously out of your control. Put it aside...move on...and focus on something more deserving of your attention. (as she is not).

DKS
 
I don''t think this is a matter of whether it is right or wrong for her to wear off white.

I think the issue is that she should have had the courtesy to ask you if it would bother you if she wore off white.

I also think it is kind of wierd to wear the same dress to both your and SIL''s weddings. It''s certainly more economical to wear it twice, but it would bug me to see her in the same dress in pics of both weddings.

I''d be annoyed too!
 
I also think it is kind of wierd to wear the same dress to both your and SIL''s weddings. It''s certainly more economical to wear it twice, but it would bug me to see her in the same dress in pics of both weddings.
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My mom is wearing her short, kicky black dress to my brother''s wedding in June. It took her MONTHS to find a dress that she liked for my wedding, and since our weddings are only 10 months apart (I got married last August), I don''t blame her for not going through that again. I''ll probably never even see my bro''s weddings pics!
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And this raises another point. How long ago was the other wedding - maybe she had a really hard time like my mom, and just doesn''t want to go through that stress and expense again.
 
It''s a bit tacky, but honestly I''d let it go. You are the bride and everyone will be paying attention to you! If there''s any chance it doesn''t bother you, I''d just forget about it.
 
My mother doesn''t normally wear fancy clothes. When my oldest brother got married I happened on a very nice dressy 2-piece dress (in a soft pink) and sent it to her, and she loved it! My three brothers wed within three years of each other, she wore the same dress to each wedding, felt good in it and looked lovely. My family immigrated here when I was young and as a result we don''t have a lot of family traditions. My mother''s MOTG dress added some continuity and became a mini-tradition. In short, I don''t think the fact that your FMIL''s dress was worn to another family wedding is worth being bothered over.
 
I would be annoyed, I don''t know if I''d say anything though...my fiance''s mom actually asked me what color I wanted her to wear, I said I didn''t care, lol. I think it''s tacky for her to wear ivory though, especially if your dress is ivory. And the other people at the wedding will probably think it''s tacky as well (at least if they''re women) if that makes you feel any better. Good luck with deciding on saying something...I don''t envy you your situation!
 
i thought the mother of the groom was supposed to "wear beige and keep her mouth shut"
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seems like everyone agrees! i just don''t get how no one in his family blinks an eye at this..as if i''m just some freak who heard of this custom!
i''m not chummy chummy with the FMIL, so really dont feel comfortable saying anything. and my FI just hates imposing asking anything of his family. meanwhile it''s ok for my family to do everything. argh.
personally, i can handle her wearing the same color if it was just about me wanting to be the center of attention--but the fact is i''m more bothered about how it appears tacky to others and kind of rude to me. i also think it reinforces my belief that his family is just not too interested in our wedding. like, "eh", i''ll wear the same IVORY dress to save $. no matter how it looks or maybe bothers the bride..
 
That is a relative statement. A hundred bucks could be a fortune if you''re used to shopping at Goodwill! (I, personally have no aversion to thrift stores).

Am I starting to see a pattern here? It usually costs money to feed people.
The dynamics sound like they could be complicated, so YOU keep it simple.. All eyes will be on YOU. Your guests will remember how beautiful YOU looked.

About the Monster In-Law movie scene: Jane Fonda looked hideous in the flounced, salmon pink, taffeta number that J Lo picked out for her. She was, however, very stunning in the ivory dress that she wanted to wear. It''s all about self-confidence. Look at it this way: Many guests will have primped, tucked, nailed, waxed, and shopped ''till they dropped, all in preparation for your wedding. No one can steal your thunder unless you let them. And it will take more than an ivory dress to steal your thunder!
 
janine, I''d be less worried about the FMILs dress and more concerned that my FI has no interest in supporting something that''s really bothering me about the wedding. He should talk to his mother - with or without you- about the dress and the rehearsal dinner. Are they tapped for cash or just being cheap? I cant tell from your posts. Is it possible they cant afford these expenses? Is it possible they just dont really care about traditions? As someone else said upthread, I wouldn''t stress about it unless it was a deliberate attempt to piss off you, the bride. It would piss me off, but I''d try to say something. No amount of posting here is going to solve the issue. You have to talk with her directly. Preferably with your FI in tow.
 
I wouldn''t say anything...I''d just assume she was oblivious, and since her own daughter had no problem with it, I would just leave sleeping dogs lie.

My mother asked me what color to wear to our wedding. I said not black or white. So the two dresses she was deciding between were champagney cream and DARK DARK navy. LOL.
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Janine, I''ve been noticing that quite a few of your posts have been about people close to you not being enthusiastic about the wedding. (Your sister, your FI, and your future in-laws immediately come to mind.) I''m wondering if none of these people are really wedding people. Some people just can''t get enthusiatic about weddings and it does not reflect at all on how much they care about you, what they think of you, etc. I think I remember you saying that your FI didn''t really see the point of having a big wedding, and it could easily have been something that he picked up on from his parents.

One of my BMs just isn''t enthusiatic about weddings, but is gladly standing up there for me because she cares about me. I fill her in on the important info (be at the rehearsal at such and such a time, pay for your dress by such and such a date) and the rest of our conversations are about non-wedding things.

I''ve also been wondering if they''re not as well off as you, in which case maybe she''s choosing to wear a dress she already owns because it looks good on her and she can''t afford another right now. Maybe they just don''t have the budget to pay for the RD. It''s really hard to read motive into their actions, so it''s probably best if you don''t just to conclusions about why they''re doing these things. Do you live near them? Maybe you and FI can take them out to a nice Mother''s day brunch and catch up and not talk wedding stuff at all.
 
Date: 4/30/2007 7:19:09 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Before I state my opinion I must share that my mom wore white to my wedding, and I couldn''t have cared less...we never even discussed the color of her dress. She looked stunning and I was still quite clearly the bride.


That being said, I''d let it go. Whether or not she wears white, everyone will know you''re the bride and if her daughter didn''t make a fuss your doing so could start things off on the wrong foot.
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I''d be the exact same. It wouldnt bother me at all-everyone will still know that Im the bride. I dont know how you can say it to her without kind of upsetting the situation, especially since her daughter didnt mind. I think your FH will have to step in if you want her dress changed
 
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