for those who have been a BM... what''s the mentality?

[sweetpea&babycorn]

i need advice about how to handle uncooperative bridesmaids. i''ve never been one before, so i think i just need to understand how those who have been a BM before usually think...

this is going to be a little long, so thanks for reading this and any advice that can be given!

i have a BM who has been a really good friend of mine since high school. she''s very sweet, but can be very flaky. so when i asked my BMs to be in my wedding, i first told them that nothing would make me happier than to have the most important people in my life be a part of my wedding. i also made it clear and said upfront that each bridesmaids would probably be given something to do for the wedding and that whatever it was, i would make sure that they could do it before formally assigning it to them. i also made it clear that i would be spending aug-may as a first year medical student and therefore would need all the help i could get to try to make it less challenging for my MOH (my older sister) to do everything. i gave each one the opportunity to think about it and made it totally OK for them to decline (one of my friends actually did, and i''m fine with that). so with that, all my BMs consented to being a part of my bridal party.

i decided, the planning is underway, and i really want my bridesmaids to feel the same way and get excited about the wedding. so i called her several weeks ago about an idea to get all the BMs together over the weekend to meet and talk abt the wedding. she said she would be in town but she had to see what her plans were. she gets back to me a little later and says that she could try to make it sunday, but that her family planned to do a mother''s day/father''s day/everyone''s birthday celebration into one thing. and i said that''s totally ok b/c it''s a family thing and we''ll work around her family''s schedule. then, she calls me yesterday and drops a bomb on me to say that she won''t be free sunday anymore. she said that she was going to help her boyfriend''s sister move out of wherever she is. she will barely see her parents, won''t see her siblings, and will be spending all of sunday with her boyfriend and his family instead. and as a sidenote, she had just spent the entire previous week in las vegas with her boyfriend''s family.

i''m mad because she knew about this BM gathering long before his boyfriend''s sister was moving out. i was ok with her family obligations because she has a large family and i understand that family should come first. but i would never imagine that spending time with her boyfriend would be more important than her commitment to my wedding. now i''m nervous because i''m afraid if she can''t even make a simple get together to get everyone on the same page, then how can i rely on her to get other more important things done? the meeting itself is not what is getting me down since we planned on meeting in july instead, but just the whole situation itself is making me doubt whether she is taking her role seriously.

am i just being a drama queen? i felt i was fair by presenting what i need and why to my BMs and fully informing them of what i needed.

i''m not a confrontational person, so i was perfectly calm on the phone, but afterward i realized how mad i was. after a couple hours i wasn''t so mad, but now i''m just hurt that she picked her boyfriend over her family, and then picked her boyfriend over a committment she made to me several months ago. i''m not sure how to approach this situation anymore, and could use some serious perspective and feedback.

thanks everyone, again, sorry it was such a long rant.

 

[princesss]

Yes, you''re out of line. Remember, your wedding is really only important to YOU. Being a BM is about supporting your friend on ONE DAY - not the hundreds of days leading up to the wedding. This is not even any of the "traditional" pre-wedding get togethers. It''s not a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, or RD. It''s something you thought up because you want them to get excited over YOUR wedding. Honestly, that sounds exhausting to me.

So, she''s helping her BF''s sister move. Moving is a lot of work, and it''s work that has to be done NOW. It''s not the same day as your wedding or rehearsal, so she''s allowed to prioritize it over your GTG. She must be pretty serious about this guy to help his sister move, so of course she''d choose that. She doesn''t need your approval, or for you to be okay with this happening. She is an adult who made her own choice. You are choosing to let it bother you. Frankly, I think your expectations of your BMs are a little over the top, so take a step back and a deep breath and let this go. It''s not a battle worth fighting.

 

[nkarma]

Like Princess said, the only people who care about your wedding is you and your FI as far as the details go. Others just want to show up and have a good time and celebrate with the two of you. I think it was unreasonable to ask that the BMs be assigned something for the wedding....that is not a typical BM responsibility. I think it would be better if you just expected them to show up and maybe throw you a bachelorette or shower...anything beyond that I think is unreasonable. These people are your closest friends not wedding coordinators.

Also, you said your friend is flakey and you know her really well so assume all her normal behavior to this point will be the exact same with anything wedding related.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 5/28/2010 4:17:09 PM
Author: princesss

Yes, you''re out of line. Remember, your wedding is really only important to YOU. Being a BM is about supporting your friend on ONE DAY - not the hundreds of days leading up to the wedding. This is not even any of the ''traditional'' pre-wedding get togethers. It''s not a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, or RD. It''s something you thought up because you want them to get excited over YOUR wedding. Honestly, that sounds exhausting to me.

So, she''s helping her BF''s sister move. Moving is a lot of work, and it''s work that has to be done NOW. It''s not the same day as your wedding or rehearsal, so she''s allowed to prioritize it over your GTG. She must be pretty serious about this guy to help his sister move, so of course she''d choose that. She doesn''t need your approval, or for you to be okay with this happening. She is an adult who made her own choice. You are choosing to let it bother you. Frankly, I think your expectations of your BMs are a little over the top, so take a step back and a deep breath and let this go. It''s not a battle worth fighting.

Ditto. Additionally, while I understand that you will be busy with Medical School while planning your wedding, that is no reason to expect your bridesmaids to pick up any of your potential slack. I realize that you''ve laid this out in front of them when you asked them to be your maids, but really, this is your wedding and no one will EVER care as much about it as you and perhaps your FI do. So if you''re going to depend on them, and ask them to go out of their way to help you plan things, prepare to be perpetually disappointed as the times will continue to arise where one or more of them can''t attend a meeting/meet a deadline, etc, etc, etc.

 

[winelover23]

I'll answer this one for ya...

am i just being a drama queen?

Um, sorry but YES! You need a wedding planner! I personally think you are asking too much of your BM's. I've heard it on here a couple of times but all I'm asking of my BM's is to show up w/ washed hair, in the dress I purchased for them w/ pretty smiles on their faces. I'm so perplexed by the expectations some brides have of their wedding party. A wedding party is just that, the people you'll party w/ on your wedding day! I'm not trying to be mean at all but I think you need a couple of honest opinions so you'll realize that your expectations are too high. That being said I do think that by accepting an invitation to be in someone's wedding does obligate them to a few things like helping w/ a bridal shower & bachelorette party to the best of their ability but the position should by no means cause a major conflict in their lives!

 

[stephbolt]

I think your expectations of your bridesmaids are unreasonable. You can''t expect them to devote an entire year to making sure they make your wedding a priority. I''ve been a bridesmaid four times and a bride once, and I''ve never been assigned tasks or assigned tasks to my bridesmaids. I''ve helped them and accepted help, but that''s much different, IMO.

 

[FrekeChild]

Uh. YOU''RE getting married. YOU took on planning this wedding. Your BMs shouldn''t have to say "How high?" when you say "Jump!".

Your post reminded me of that Bridezillas episode where the bride(zilla) makes her BMs come over and stay up all night the night before the wedding cooking all of the food for the reception. Or that episode where the bride(zilla) makes everyone learn a choreographed dance. Or really, any of them.

YOU decided to get married during this part of YOUR life. You''re expecting too much, and if you keep it up, you''re probably going to end up with no BMs. You have MORE THAN A YEAR until your wedding. If you can''t handle your own wedding planning, then you need to hire someone to do it for you or scale back on your big to-do.

Ugh. I cannot tell you how turned off I am by this post.

 

[lucyandroger]

You need a wedding planner. I am also incredibly busy so I hired and PAID a very nice woman to help me plan and coordinate my wedding.

As far as the question in the title of the thread. The mentality of a bridesmaid is: I am happy to stand up for my friend on her wedding day and do everything I can on her wedding day to help her out and make the day run smoothly. I may also help plan her shower and bachelorette party. I certainly will NOT be at her beck and call for an entire year and I will NOT plan her wedding for her. I have a life of my own that I will continue to live.

 

[vc10um]

Also, I don''t know if anyone else saw this, but her first line is "i need advice about how to handle uncooperative bridesmaids"

Honey, your girls are not children that you need to "handle" or "take care of". They are grown women who have agreed to assist you ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. Anything above and beyond that should be considered a bonus, IMHO. I know as a bridesmaid, I always ASK if there is anything I can do. Once I''ve made myself available, I''ve helped assemble programs, look for photographers, e-mailed vendors, etc. But I have never. EVER. had a bride tell me up front that she is going to need me to handle tasks. Hire a planner...it''s why they HAVE jobs.

 

[choro72]

Date: 5/28/2010 4:08:26 PM
Author:sweetpea&babycorn
1. i decided, the planning is underway, and i really want my bridesmaids to feel the same way and get excited about the wedding.
2. but i would never imagine that spending time with her boyfriend would be more important than her commitment to my wedding. ?

1. That's NEVER going to happen.
2. Are you serious??

I am willing to cut you some slack since you say you've never been a bridesmaid before. I hope you read the responses and reevaluate the way you are planning on treating them. They are human beings and friends.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/28/2010 4:17:09 PM
Author: princesss

Yes, you're out of line. Remember, your wedding is really only important to YOU. Being a BM is about supporting your friend on ONE DAY - not the hundreds of days leading up to the wedding. This is not even any of the 'traditional' pre-wedding get togethers. It's not a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, or RD. It's something you thought up because you want them to get excited over YOUR wedding. Honestly, that sounds exhausting to me.

So, she's helping her BF's sister move. Moving is a lot of work, and it's work that has to be done NOW. It's not the same day as your wedding or rehearsal, so she's allowed to prioritize it over your GTG. She must be pretty serious about this guy to help his sister move, so of course she'd choose that. She doesn't need your approval, or for you to be okay with this happening. She is an adult who made her own choice. You are choosing to let it bother you. Frankly, I think your expectations of your BMs are a little over the top, so take a step back and a deep breath and let this go. It's not a battle worth fighting.

Ditto this.

They are BM's...NOT STAFF.

Sorry, all a BM needs to do is to show up the day of in whatever attire you have decided.

That is it. They do not have obligations to throw parties, get excited months ahead of time over your wedding, or anything of the like. Some do, but it is NOT a requirement. And they most definitely do NOT need to help you *plan* your wedding.

Most people's lives go on regardless of whether someone is having a wedding or not. Heck, most of the time I was too busy with my OWN life to get involved about details of my own wedding (hence why DH planned most of it as he had a bit more free time and actually enjoys that kind of thing). I did not have BM's for my own wedding at all by the way and we managed to plan it and get through it!

I am happy for a friend, and happy to stand up for them if they want me to do so, and happy to enjoy the day....but that is about it. My "commitment" to their wedding is to attend at their wedding. In whatever dress I am supposed to have. That is IT. That commitment does NOT come above putting the wedding above other relationships or my life as a whole. Your own wedding should not come before YOUR relationship, why would you expect your BM to put your wedding before HER relationship? And here we are not even talking about the wedding...but a get together. Seriously, the wedding is one day. The BM commits to one day. Not all the days that come up the year before.

Anytime I have been a BM I might get a bit excited a couple days before the wedding to attend.....but I certainly am NOT going to be worrying about someone's wedding an entire YEAR in advance. That is what wedding planners are for. I tend to decline being a BM if there is an indication it might require me to get that excited or involved with the planning.

 

[decodelighted]

The mentality of a Bridesmaid? Its this: "How do I make it through the next year of my friend going totally crazy without a) killing her b) losing our friendship forever or c) becoming a designer pink doormat without a life of my own?"

I''d reevaluate your expectations. Also: starting to think that people who''ve never BEEN bridesmaids should really not be allowed to HAVE bridesmaids.

 

[iota15]

Sweetpea, I know you're thinking - but I told them what would be involved ahead of time and THEY AGREED! You feel like there was a social contract made between you and the BM's that agreed to be BM's because you warned them.

They may have accepted in the happy moment for you, and they thought they could help where they could. Unfortunately, not all, if any, will be excited and happy to help out all the time. They have their own lives.

In your "BM offer speech", you told them: "i also made it clear and said upfront that each bridesmaids would probably be given something to do for the wedding and that whatever it was, i would make sure that they could do it before formally assigning it to them."

Essentially, even in your contract, you made it clear that you're not going to make them do anything they don't want to do. This does not only include specific tasks, but also any obligation to attend strategy meetings, organization parties and non-specific bridal party get-togethers.

You gave all your girls a right to refuse. Now one has taken you up on it, and you're furious. Your friends were more than generous to offer to help, given that you've essentially told them, "I need your help with most of my wedding planning because I'll be too busy to do it myself, and whatever slack you don't pick up, I'm giving to my MOH". However, they're lives are still more important to them than your wedding. Picking apart why things in their lives are Not as important as your wedding is not fair to them at all. In fact, even you have decided that your medical school studies are more important than Your wedding.

You're just starting this process and from your prior posts, I think your quite reasonable. Consider the posts above and don't walk down that slippery slope of bridezilla who loses all her very generous and loving friends.

Just repeat to yourself - This is just one day. It's Always going to be more important to me than anyone else. In fact, even I am putting other priorities ahead of my Own wedding planning.

 

[winelover23]

Date: 5/28/2010 5:37:18 PM
Author: iota15
Sweetpea, I know you''re thinking - but I told them what would be involved ahead of time and THEY AGREED! You feel like there was a social contract made between you and the BM''s that agreed to be BM''s because you warned them.

They may have accepted in the happy moment for you, and they thought they could help where they could. Unfortunately, not all, if any, will be excited and happy to help out all the time. They have their own lives.

In your ''BM offer speech'', you told them: ''i also made it clear and said upfront that each bridesmaids would probably be given something to do for the wedding and that whatever it was, i would make sure that they could do it before formally assigning it to them.''

Essentially, even in your contract, you made it clear that you''re not going to make them do anything they don''t want to do. This does not only include specific tasks, but also any obligation to attend strategy meetings, organization parties and non-specific bridal party get-togethers.

You gave all your girls a right to refuse. Now one has taken you up on it, and you''re furious. Your friends were more than generous to offer to help, given that you''ve essentially told them, ''I need your help with most of my wedding planning because I''ll be too busy to do it myself, and whatever slack you don''t pick up, I''m giving to my MOH''. However, they''re lives are still more important to them than your wedding. Picking apart why things in their lives are Not as important as your wedding is not fair to them at all. In fact, even you have decided that your medical school studies are more important than Your wedding.

You''re just starting this process and from your prior posts, I think your quite reasonable. Consider the posts above and don''t walk down that slippery slope of bridezilla who loses all her very generous and loving friends.

Just repeat to yourself - This is just one day. It''s Always going to be more important to me than anyone else. In fact, even I am putting other priorities ahead of my Own wedding planning.

If there were PS awards, I''d nominate that as the best line ever. BRAVO!

 

[pancake]

Whether she prioritises her bf or her family is a moot point - and really that''s not your issue to worry about.

I do think you''re expecting a bit much. As the others have said - your BMs still have their own lives and as much as you can express what you would like, you cannot coerce them into doing things, nor can you expect them to drop everything for you in return for the honour of being your BM.

I don''t mean that last bit to sound sarcastic, so sorry if it did. I''m sure she is delighted to be your bridesmaid, but you need to remember that she still has her own stuff. If you want to talk to her about it and explain why you''re upset, do so but I don''t think she is in the wrong here, just not meeting your expectations (which may not have been clear to her - it is not intuitive).

 

[yssie]

Wow

This is the sort of behaviour that gives brides a bad name. Yes, complete drama queen and completely over the line. Pay a wedding planner, don't use your bridesmaids as servants, and understand that truly noone cares about your wedding nearly as much as you and FI, and you can't make them. They have their own lives, that don't revolve around your doings.

 

[pancake]

Just a thought - if you want to get your bridesmaids together in future, why not send out a group email to all of them so that they can be in on the discussion of the date? People are more likely to turn up to a group thing when they have a hand in planning it and deciding the details than when they are just told what to do

 

[bee*]

Yes I definitely think that you''re out of line. They are never going to be as excited about your wedding as you are, it shouldn''t be expected that they will. Also as you''re in med school, that does not mean that they have to help organise your wedding-as others have said, pay someone. All my bm''s had to do was show up on the day. If she wanted to hang out with her bf, that was her choice.

 

[KimberlyH]

as a moh i threw a shower and a bachelorette party, because i wanted to. i never once was asked to meet with the rest of the wedding party for any reason, other than the rehersal and the wedding day. it was held at home and i volunteered to help decorate, again not asked to.

i managed to plan a wedding without a wedding party. my husband and i made all the decisions and did all of the "work" involved. i say work in quotations because we chose to have a certain type of wedding and planning was just part of the deal, not some chore.

i think if i were in your wedding party i would bow out as quickly and gracefully as possible and our friendship would not be the same as a direct result of your behavior.

 

[zoebartlett]

I don''t have anything else to add because everyone else already said what I was thinking. I completely agree with their views. Yes, you''re being a drama queen, and I think you''re expecting a bit much of your bridesmaids. I know you told them up front that they''d have certain obligations and they still agreed. That does not mean, however, that you get to dictate how they spend much of their time before your wedding. They love and support you, but honestly, if I was in your wedding, I''d be upset to learn that so many demands or expectations would be made.

 

[onedrop]

You asked for feedback...you got it! I agree with everything that has been said above. Hopefully you (OP) will read the previous comments and take a long, hard look at how you've been acting and bring your expectations of your BMs down to a reasonable level. I think it would be better to concentrate on salvaging any friendship you have with these women (if one still exists) rather than wasting time being pissed off because they are not living up to your unreasonable expectations.


ETA: I've been a BM four times, and in three of the four cases, I was asked to do very little, if anything in terms of actual wedding planning. And even in the fourth instance I was happy to to help out because the bride wasn't completely UNreasonable about what she wanted.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I have to agree with what others have said...this is your day, and you have to be understanding that they cannot possibly bend to your every need or whim.

Frankly, I think you''re being somewhat unreasonable expecting them to handle details of your wedding that you''re to busy to plan. You decided to marry during your medical residency, and that was your priority--but not theirs. Just because you''re too overworked doesn''t mean it is their job to pick up the slack. I would suggest you hire a wedding planner who will gladly put in the time and effort because it her job. If you want to be hands off bride, fine...there are plenty of others just like you...but you need to pay for that luxury.

I don''t think that her life--and how she spends her free time--has anything to do with you and your importance in her life. Everyone has obligations and priorities. I''m sorry, but my husband is very important, and even when he was just my "boyfriend" he was my priority. That didn''t mean I didn''t love my friends, I did of course, but that meant that he came first--whatever that meant in the moment.

Personally, I think you need to realize that your wedding isn''t going to be as important to her as it is to you...just like when she marries, her wedding will mean more to her than it will to you. We''ll call that phenomena "the nature of the beast". So rather than feel sour about that, try just understanding it. Every single bride has had to come to terms with that in some way or another. It''s not a slight to you...it''s just life.

I think you should proceed "as planned"...have your get together with those who can come, and make the decisions you need to make. You can either call her, or e-mail her with her details or responsibilities...but also look into a wedding planner. A lots of colleges offer programs in "event planning" and some newly graduated folks may gladly take the job for low pay simply to have the experience.

Best of luck to you.

 

[iota15]

Date: 5/28/2010 5:43:20 PM
Author: winelover23

Date: 5/28/2010 5:37:18 PM
Author: iota15
Sweetpea, I know you''re thinking - but I told them what would be involved ahead of time and THEY AGREED! You feel like there was a social contract made between you and the BM''s that agreed to be BM''s because you warned them.

They may have accepted in the happy moment for you, and they thought they could help where they could. Unfortunately, not all, if any, will be excited and happy to help out all the time. They have their own lives.

In your ''BM offer speech'', you told them: ''i also made it clear and said upfront that each bridesmaids would probably be given something to do for the wedding and that whatever it was, i would make sure that they could do it before formally assigning it to them.''

Essentially, even in your contract, you made it clear that you''re not going to make them do anything they don''t want to do. This does not only include specific tasks, but also any obligation to attend strategy meetings, organization parties and non-specific bridal party get-togethers.

You gave all your girls a right to refuse. Now one has taken you up on it, and you''re furious. Your friends were more than generous to offer to help, given that you''ve essentially told them, ''I need your help with most of my wedding planning because I''ll be too busy to do it myself, and whatever slack you don''t pick up, I''m giving to my MOH''. However, they''re lives are still more important to them than your wedding. Picking apart why things in their lives are Not as important as your wedding is not fair to them at all. In fact, even you have decided that your medical school studies are more important than Your wedding.

You''re just starting this process and from your prior posts, I think your quite reasonable. Consider the posts above and don''t walk down that slippery slope of bridezilla who loses all her very generous and loving friends.

Just repeat to yourself - This is just one day. It''s Always going to be more important to me than anyone else. In fact, even I am putting other priorities ahead of my Own wedding planning.

If there were PS awards, I''d nominate that as the best line ever. BRAVO!

Wow! Thanks, Winelover.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 5/29/2010 1:01:44 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

I don''t think that her life--and how she spends her free time--has anything to do with you and your importance in her life. Everyone has obligations and priorities. I''m sorry, but my husband is very important, and even when he was just my ''boyfriend'' he was my priority. That didn''t mean I didn''t love my friends, I did of course, but that meant that he came first--whatever that meant in the moment.

My SO is also a priority for me even though we''re not married; his family is also a priority for me.

You wedding imagine spending time with her SO would be more important than a pow-wow for your wedding that''s a year away? I imagine bridesmaid-wedding-excitement to kick in maybe 6 weeks before the event, if that. There''s just no reason to have to have a "spirit night" a year before the wedding. You''re supposed to have started planning a year early; its your wedding!

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

WOW ok, well thanks for advice everyone. let me start off by saying that i apologize if i came off as a baby, bridezilla, giving brides a bad name etc. but please let me be clear that i didn''t yell at her, didn''t freak out, etc. i was just hurt. maybe mad at first because i let my emotions get the best of me, but after a while, i was just wondering why someone who made a COMMITMENT, changed her mind for something else. i guess in any situation i would feel hurt if a good friend committed to meeting for lunch, dinner, a movie, coffee whatever.

while i appreciate the objective feedback, i don''t appreciate the unnecessary and seemingly insulting verbage about how i am handling my wedding. and maybe my wording came off the wrong way, but what i meant when i said how to "handle" "uncooperative" bridesmaids, i meant how should i approach situations like this? at this point, i''ve shrugged my shoulders and let it go, but it would be scary to think that she would tell me she WOULD do something (like meeting) and end up not doing it. i think at this point it would be safer to take the whole "please show up in a pretty dress" mentality. thanks for that.

i am NOT one of those people who expects that my BMs will show up no matter what and when i say. i don''t think i''ve ever conveyed that image, so please don''t start extrapolating those types of thoughts. i find it immature and unfair. as much as i would like my BMs to be excited, i wanted to meet with them to kind of let them know about what''s going on without repeating a bagillion times in emails, voicemails, and whatnot, especially since this wedding will not be near where anyone lives and communication might be hard once everyone is back in school and work mode (2 BMs are still in school, 1 is an RN, and 1 is a PA). i thought, how great that everyone will be in town. that''s all. it wasn''t a spur of the moment thing. plus, i probably won''t see them until right before the wedding because of said schedules and work. i''m not asking them to do mounds of work or force them to do choreographed dances and cook all the food for my wedding. i just wanted to catch them up on current details, show them the BMs dresses, and ask about what their schedules were and what they were willing to do (if they were willing to).

it makes much more sense thinking that planning this wedding is only important to myself and my fiance. and maybe my sisters. i truly have no idea why everyone thinks i''m turning my BMs into slaves and coercing them! i never said that i was going to do NOTHING. i mean, believe me, if i could, i''d spend the next year planning my wedding, not spending 8am - 5pm in class followed by hours and hours of studying the same things over and over again. i don''t see what is so wrong with going to my BM and saying "hey, we''re starting to put together programs, and i could really use your help if you''re willing to do so." if she says no, that''s fine! if she says yes, then what an awesome BM to step up and be willing to help. i don''t know why or how that is bridezilla, or crazy bride-itis, or whatever you want to call it.

so, i apologize if this got people angry, or caused any vomit to rise into their throats. i really didn''t think this post would generate such abrasive responses, but i guess honesty is what drives these threads. as much as i would''ve appreciate a more honest-constructive feedback, i feel like i got more of the honest-bitchy feedback. again, maybe it''s just me. but thank you anyway.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I''m sorry if you feel like you were unfairly treated with the responses you recieved, i think that everyone was rather fair and reserved with their replies. (for PS standards, i''ve seen these girls tear people new ones, myself included). Did you really expect everyone to back you up and help you deal with your ''uncooperative bridesmaid?''. You asked for advice, and you got it. I''m suprised anyone even agreed to be your bridesmaid when you laid it all out on the table for them. I feel like you really need to adjust your expectations of what a bridesmaid does becasue you are only going to be dissapointed time and time again over the next twelve months. If you want people to be as eagerly involved as you are, you need to pay them. (ie, a wedding planner).

I don''t say this to be mean, but as someone who planned and organised my wedding entirely by myself because i didn''t want to be let down by others, i can see exactly where you are heading with this and you wont be happy with the result.

 

[VRBeauty]

It's one thing to as your BM's if they'd like to get together for wedding talk and then to be disappointed when one of them bows out. It's another to be angry when one of them bows out, and to judge her reasons and find them wanting. Your initial post reflected the latter. As you pointed out, your BMs also have busy lives... maybe you should resort to emails and such for the passing along and coordinating the details. Use those precious moments when you can all get together for what really matters... catching up, chilling out, celebrating important aspects of each others lives -- such as a new BF.

I don't recall which of our fellow PS'ers said this, but it makes sense to me: expectations are resentments waiting to happen.

 

[KimberlyH]

your second post conveys a slightly different message than the first, to some degree. but it's clear you still feel she was wrong for not wanting to get together to for a wedding pep rally and discussion of plans and your wants and needs. you've gone so far as to call her unavailability "scary." does that sound at all dramatic to you?

perhaps she would have been more willing to make time to come had you wanted to just get together and visit, because they're your friends, as opposed to having a wedding pow wow. or maybe the move would still be more pressing in her world, because the woman really needs her help.

i don't quite get why an email with a link to the dress and any other pertinent information -- but i can't think of anything else they must know other than a date, time, and location -- wouldn't be sufficient. be brief and succinct and if they have questions, answer them; no big deal.

there's nothing wrong with asking for help with putting together programs, or any other similar task, but unless they are ready to be assembled deciding who is able to do so just doesn't seem necessary right now. it's a year away, and lots could change between now and then, so making a commitment to help with such a specific, but in the grand scheme of life unimportant task, seems a bit much. why can't the a.p.b. for assistance go out when the help is actually needed? with the understanding that ni one may be available, of course.

and if you still feel she is so out of line in being unavailable perhaps you should reconsider her role in your wedding so as to not cause you further distress and fear.

eta: you stated your expectations aren't as draconian as we all have interpreted. if that is so, you may want to evaluate how you say what you say as so many of us came to the same conclusions.

 

[zoebartlett]

Your first post was full of expectations that you had of other people. It came off as very demanding. Your second post seemed to try to set us straight for what we were thinking. We were only giving advice (and thoughts/opinions) based on what you originally told us. As Kim mentioned, you might want to read what you wrote initially and maybe then you''ll see how we all came to the same conclusions, and why we gave the advice we did.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

thanks for the insight. i can see how i came off as demanding on my first post, but i really didn''t appreciate the bridezilla comments. or the other nasty ones. i''m really not that type of bride. so i really do apologize for painting two different pictures, it''s difficult to convey ideas just with text, so i should be more careful with my tone.

while i would like the help, if i don''t get it, it''s not the end of the world, and i can handle doing it myself. i just worry about what would happen if my BM said "yes, i''ll absolutely take care of that" like my friend did when she committed to meeting today and then not follow through.

i met with 3 of 5 my BMs this afternoon and everything went very smoothly, and i''m super lucky to have them be enthusiastic to help. and i''m so glad that we did meet, because they brought up things that went beyond what i planned on talking about. so it sounds like i''m a very lucky and blessed bride with very supportive bridesmaids. im sorry if it wasn''t the case for other brides.

so things will work out, and i do realize that i should re-evaluate my expectations for my BMs. some are very willing and free to help which i am SO happy about, and i do realize the others will just be ones showing up in a dress. i just think it''s more fun to involve my BMs in as much as they feel comfortable with. i think it builds memories, and allows us to get closer. but if that''s not the mentality of my BM, then i will be happy to leave them alone.