for those who have been a BM... what''s the mentality?

[lucyandroger]

This BM is supposedly your friend since HS so maybe you should give her the benefit of the doubt. She couldn't make it to one meeting over a year before the wedding...I really think it's overreacting to make it out like she does not follow through or goes back on her "commitments." If you're acting this way because she has a pattern of not doing what she says she will, then perhaps you shouldn't have asked her to be a BM in the first place.

To say that agreeing to attend a planning meeting is a "commitment" is a little overboard in my opinion. If you're dealing with multiple people's schedules, you're going to have to be more flexible...things come up and some of those things are going to be more important than discussing programs or dresses or whatever over a year before the event.

 

[CharmyPoo]

From my perspective, I have no expectations of my bridesmaids - my 2 sisters, a friend from HS, and a last one that I haven''t decided on. I have asked them to do nothing with me - my sisters came a few times with me to look at dresses .. several times they were too busy for me. My MOH is doing her residency in another city so I haven''t bothered her at all other than a few emails here and there to help me chose.

I hired a wedding planner but I haven''t really used her since I just do everything myself. I don''t expect my wedding party to be excited about the wedding and want it to be the best thing ever. We are older and we are one of the last to get married. Everyone has been there and done that .. our goal is to just put on a good party and don''t make our friends do anything.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Hey girl,

Sorry to hear your troubles. When you have a wedding party, I think you have to be prepared for lack of dependability sometimes. For our wedding, we could bring our own alcohol to the wedding. Our Best Man BEGGED for some responsibility, so I put him in charge of alcohol, since he worked at a winery. He was really excited to have help, and I was glad to have the help. He told me to give him a final headcount & the final menu, which I did, and HE told me HE would take care of the rest, buy the booze (and I would pay him back), bring it down to our wedding, and deliver it to the venue. I told him that it had to be done Wednesday or Thursday, and he agreed that it would be no problem. Well, long story short, he didn''t come through. So, I was left 3 days before my wedding having to come up with how much booze to get and what kind to get, go out and buy it for 120 people, and deliver it to the venue myself. I was

.

Lesson: You can''t always trust people, even when they say they''ll do something.

I was in the same boat as you. I KNEW he was kind of a flake, but he seemed so excited to have a responsibility that I figured he would do a good job. I''m the one that got burned in the end. In addition, he was supposed to return the tuxes after the wedding the next day. Did he? No. He left town early, and my husband''s Dad had to do it.

So, at least you know NOW that she may not be dependable. You already knew she was kind of a flake. Don''t "assign" her a task that''s important to you, whether she agrees to do it or not. I don''t think there''s anything you can do to "manager" her, and I wouldn''t bother saying anything to her. I understand that you feel rejected b/c she bailed on you. I don''t think it''s worth saying anything to her about it. The bridesmaids that want to help you throughout the next year will do so. Just be prepared that "things come up" and your BMs may not always be able to attend your get-togethers, showers, bachelorette parties, etc ... whether they''re legitimate excuses or not. (I had a BM bail on my shower- I know her excuse was a lie, but I just let it go.) You can''t control people, but you CAN control how you react to them.

Best wishes! I know it''s a stressful time for you. I planned my wedding during my 4th year of pharmacy school & all of my friends were students/professionals, so I''ve been in your shoes. We did a lot of communication via Facebook and Email. It worked out beautifully. There wasn''t a single time that all 5 of us were together before the wedding.

It will all work out, and your wedding will be beautiful!

 

[nkarma]

Date: 5/30/2010 8:49:51 PM
Author: lucyandroger
This BM is supposedly your friend since HS so maybe you should give her the benefit of the doubt. She couldn''t make it to one meeting over a year before the wedding...I really think it''s overreacting to make it out like she does not follow through or goes back on her ''commitments.'' If you''re acting this way because she has a pattern of not doing what she says she will, then perhaps you shouldn''t have asked her to be a BM in the first place.

To say that agreeing to attend a planning meeting is a ''commitment'' is a little overboard in my opinion. If you''re dealing with multiple people''s schedules, you''re going to have to be more flexible...things come up and some of those things are going to be more important than discussing programs or dresses or whatever over a year before the event.

Ditto. I think you found out and already stated this friend is flakey so just expect her to be her normal self and don''t give her any more responsibilities than showing up. It sounds like you have a few other bridesmaids who want to help and be involved so yes do involve them as much as they want. I have a bridesmaid like that. I also have a bridesmaid like your flakey one. I let them do whatever they want to do and so far they have been as involved as I expected of each of them.

 

[caribqueen]

I only asked my girls to do tasks as needed (very small stuff) like help me stuff welcome bags, some invitation assembly. But all of the concepts and ideas came from me and I was fortunate to be able to take on a lot because I''m not working now. They can save their ideas for their own wedding.

I also sent out newsletters (might be a bit much for some people), but I felt like if I laid out what was coming up in advance with dates for them to remember, they could put it on their refrigerator and refer to it if needed. I think it worked for the people who paid attention to it. I had been a bridesmaid and all I''ve ever been asked to do is show up and wear a dress, so it was my way of letting them feel a bit more involved without bombarding them, if you will. I also wanted to put it in writing how grateful FI and I that they had all agreed to be apart of our day.

 

[kittybean]

Please hire a wedding planner. I promise you will have a much happier, much less stressful year of planning if you do.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

thanks for the additional feedback. we are considering a planner for the day of, but my fiance doesn''t feel like we need one before that. i''m not incredibly overwhelmed at this point. for being 13 months out, we are in really good shape - we booked our venue and photographer already which to some may seem early, but when we contacted both, there were already people wanting our wedding date, so we booked them right away.

i think i am in over my head about my BMs, i have really come to terms with having some BMs just show up, and have others really getting involved, because they want to, not because i expect them to.

 

[princesss]

Date: 6/2/2010 11:33:21 AM
Author: sweetpea&babycorn
thanks for the additional feedback. we are considering a planner for the day of, but my fiance doesn''t feel like we need one before that. i''m not incredibly overwhelmed at this point. for being 13 months out, we are in really good shape - we booked our venue and photographer already which to some may seem early, but when we contacted both, there were already people wanting our wedding date, so we booked them right away.

i think i am in over my head about my BMs, i have really come to terms with having some BMs just show up, and have others really getting involved, because they want to, not because i expect them to.

There you go! Sounds like you''re getting the right mindset about your BMs. They''re your friends and they love you, but everybody has a different way of showing that (and everybody has different limitations). Just accept what they can give, and be happy you''ve got friends that will love you and support youhelp keep you calm on the day of!

 

[vc10um]

Date: 6/2/2010 11:33:21 AM
Author: sweetpea&babycorn
thanks for the additional feedback. we are considering a planner for the day of, but my fiance doesn''t feel like we need one before that. i''m not incredibly overwhelmed at this point. for being 13 months out, we are in really good shape - we booked our venue and photographer already which to some may seem early, but when we contacted both, there were already people wanting our wedding date, so we booked them right away.

i think i am in over my head about my BMs, i have really come to terms with having some BMs just show up, and have others really getting involved, because they want to, not because i expect them to.

And, sweetpea, the ones that enjoy weddings and all that come along with them WILL get involved as their time permist! I think weddings just aren''t some people''s "thing". Hard to believe, I know (especially since I LOVE LOVE LOVE weddings...including all the planning!)...and those will be the ladies who are grinning ear to ear on your wedding day, holding their bouquets, happy to see you so happy, even if they weren''t able to put together programs, or make this meeting or that meeting.

Best of luck to you!

 

[ts44]

I think the secret to planning a wedding is to automatically assume and make peace with the idea that nobody will have time to help you and you''ll be doing most of the planning by yourself. That way, it''s always a pleasant surprise when somebody does want to help!

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Date: 6/2/2010 11:33:21 AM
Author: sweetpea&babycorn
thanks for the additional feedback. we are considering a planner for the day of, but my fiance doesn''t feel like we need one before that. i''m not incredibly overwhelmed at this point. for being 13 months out, we are in really good shape - we booked our venue and photographer already which to some may seem early, but when we contacted both, there were already people wanting our wedding date, so we booked them right away.


i think i am in over my head about my BMs, i have really come to terms with having some BMs just show up, and have others really getting involved, because they want to, not because i expect them to.

I think that''s a good attitude to have! The less you try to control, the more fun you''ll have! Also, I don''t think 13 months is too early to start booking vendors that are important to you. When booked our venue 14 months out and some of the dates we wanted were already taken. Same with our photographer too- and we booked him about 13 months out. Plus, the more you can do now, the less you''ll have to do later, when you''re stressed.

 

[VRBeauty]

Good work, Sweetpea!

I hope that's the biggest bump you hit on the road to your wedding -- and if it isn't, your more relaxed mentality will help you take any other bumps you encounter in stride too!

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

thanks everyone! yes omg im feeling much better about it. i have many other things on my non-wedding to-do list right now and i'm glad the next things to do have already been set in motion (guest list, save the dates are at the top right now). i really think everything else will go smoothly now that i have an idea of where my BMs are. i hit a bit of drama with my mother unfortunately (about my fiance, not me ). but i've accepted that she too may not be as excited as i had anticipated, but i've accepted that.

eta: BWW: thanks for giving me perspective, even if it was brutally honest and even abrasive at times! i wouldn't have been able to get past it without the knock on the head