Friend got engaged 2 months after me ! Is this normal ?

[firebirdgold]

Sunsetstar, you generally sound unhappy. Perhpas you might want to think about why.

 

[diamondfan]

Like many wise posters have stated, when you reach a certain time in your life, people tend to get engaged, married, buy first homes and have kids. That is the cycle and you cannot take personally that people are living their lives. It seems a bit petty. If she is an ultracompetitive friend (and you know if she is or not) than the issues are bigger than this incident. However, focus on two things: You are with a guy you love, and she is also happy too (I assume these to be truisms). This is not a "normal" versus ""abnormal" issue, it is just LIFE.

I think it is great that as friends you get to share this. My oldest friend from kindergarten and I got married and pregnant with our first kids right around each other. We had tons of fun picking china, discussing flowers, etc and then when pregnant, waddling over to the ice cream parlor, eating, talking about names and how we wanted to decorate the nurseries. We loved sharing two of the most special times in our lives together, and being supportive to each other when things were stressful.

I know a girl who loves a name for a baby girl. When she got pregnant and told her sister the name, the sister, who is not married, had a fit and did not want her to use it. (it is not a family name or anything, the sister just claimed she liked it and had thought about it first). Well, I told my friend that while I did not want to stir things up with her sister, fact was sister was not even in a serious relationship. She was not the one pregnant, and she might never have a girl, so maybe sister would have to let go a bit and stop trying to micro manage things. Turned out my friend had a boy so all is fine for now! Some people are pretty nervy about what they expect others to do for them...

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 11/9/2006 1:02:18 AM
Author: diamondfan
I know a girl who loves a name for a baby girl. When she got pregnant and told her sister the name, the sister, who is not married, had a fit and did not want her to use it. (it is not a family name or anything, the sister just claimed she liked it and had thought about it first). Well, I told my friend that while I did not want to stir things up with her sister, fact was sister was not even in a serious relationship. She was not the one pregnant, and she might never have a girl, so maybe sister would have to let go a bit and stop trying to micro manage things. Turned out my friend had a boy so all is fine for now! Some people are pretty nervy about what they expect others to do for them...

My daughter has an extremely unusual name (Acacia) and I''d wanted to use it since I was a freshman in HS... well I had this friend M who had a SIL pregnant and due the same month as I. I never actually *met* the SIL but we knew each other existed etc. M *never* said anything to either of us about our name choices, but then she had a boy and a couple weeks later I had a girl.... when M told her SIL that I named my daughter Acacia, the SIL got so pissed off she refused to speak to M for SIX MONTHS and called her a liar and said she''d given me that name. i don''t even know if M knew I liked that name, but she NEVER told me her SIL liked it... I thought it was a cool coincidence that we both liked it when it''s so unusual, and I could not believe how bent up the SIL got because she thought I, someone she''d never met before, had ''stolen'' a name she NEVER ended up using, ever (3 boys) LOL oh well ... these make for amusing anecdotes later on haha

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/8/2006 8:28:21 PM
Author: *~Sweetpea~*


Your signature also irks me. If I were your friend and I saw that I''d prob write you off, esp after this post. I think you need to get over yourself.

Well, I hope we don''t all sound too harsh, but I did shake my head....

And yes, about your signature line...I''m curious as to why you chose something like that for your sign off - as it ends up on every post you write here. It almost is as if you proud of it? Of course, I am reading into things, I know. But if your friends are ALL jealous, it doesn''t say much about the friendships you inspire.

 

[codex57]

2 months is quite a reasonable time. She''s not stealing your thunder. A week, yes. A month, maybe. 2 months, no. Don''t look at it as she''s stealing your thunder, look at it as a friend who you can talk to about wedding stress. The wedding planning is gonna be stressful enough without you creating more stress for yourself worrying about someone stealing your thunder or some other "slight".

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Wow! My DH and I are in our late 20s and we will have gone/invited (not including out own of course) to at least 5 weddings in 2006. We are just in that age. Our friends are starting to have babies too. She is NOT stealing your thunder. You seem to be doing the SAME thing to her as you claim your friends are to you (or at least according to your tagline). There is nothing to be jealous about. The fact that you are bothered that she is getting married before you is so silly and immature. You chose your own date and she chose hers. As long as it is not in the same weekend who cares? We delayed out honeymoon to go to a friend''s wedding the weekend after ours and we never thought twice about it.

 

[sunsetstar]

Thank you everyone for your stories and options. I am 24 and am learn many new life lessons. If you read some of my posting you will see that I was every depressed with the treatment of my friend during the beautiful time of my engagement . I would cry on the phone with my mom, and till this day I hold a grudge with all of them for ruining it for me. Instead of being happy I was stressed out about wonder if I can talk to any of them about my plans, at the time and I couldn''t. So am I happy for my friend that was clearly not happy for me when it happened? NO its really hard too. To be honest I do question my friends, but they are all I know. I have excepted the fact that the only person that is most important is my future my fiance. This has all been an eye opening experience. I really never thought that I would feel such a wave of emotions. I try to be happy for her, but then I think of all the things she has done to her poor fiance, and I feel like she doesnt even deserve it . The minute he proposed she was dress shopping. Whille when it happened to me I just wanted to hold my baby and love him up. Not once did I think of that glamor of it all. Which I feel she is ! so maybe I should have written this in the last post and you would understand why Its kinda hard to be 100% happy when I feel that she is doing it for all the wrong reason, and she is clearly not in love with that man because she told me so. That''s why I feel she just wanted to get married because I sparked some interest.

Thank you all and I dont want you to think im self centered, because im really not. I am always happy for people but when you hold a grudge it makes it hard too. Thats mainly what im feeling but we did decide to got dress shopping for the 2007 winter collections on gowns together. So maybe in time I will get over it. I slowly am !

 

[decodelighted]

Sunsetstar ... I hope you will read & re-read the advice & "life lessons" that have been given to you by the wise ladies who responded.

Your "signoff" phrase ... "I''m madly inlove & engaged and all my friends are jealous" ? That''s a role you''ve given yourself. A label. Playing "the victem". You''re getting something out of it & like whatever feeling it''s giving you so much that you want it on the end of every post ... so every stranger knows that

a) you''re madly in love
b) ENGAGED
c) all your friends are jealous of you

I also sense a lot of DRAMA and EXAGGERATION. MADLY? really? ALL your friends are JEALOUS? Really?

The longer you keep believing this role you''ve decided on for yourself ... the further you''ll push away genuine MUTUAL nurturing friendships. How YOU behave determines the type of people/friends etc YOU ATTRACT.

Also ... if the real reason you''re so "upset" about your friend "stealing your thunder" is that she doesn''t love her boyfriend ... maybe you would have mentioned THAT PART.

What''s that old expression: "You wouldn''t care so much what others think about you if you realized how rarely they do"

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/9/2006 8:20:58 AM
Author: sunsetstar
I try to be happy for her, but then I think of all the things she has done to her poor fiance, and I feel like she doesnt even deserve it .

Oh boy. So only people who "deserve" good things should have them. This is your FRIEND? Seriously, you need to stop calling these people friends because you''re CERTAINLY not acting like her friend AT ALL.

Date: 11/9/2006 8:20:58 AM
Author: sunsetstar
That''s why I feel she just wanted to get married because I sparked some interest.

Um, yeah. I bet she''d never even HEARD of this crazily obscure "wedding" thing before YOU got engaged.

 

[sunsetstar]

decodelighted

I''m really sorry I hit a nerve.

Now lets talk about Diamonds !

 

[anchor31]

Sunset sweetie, it''s not about hitting a nerve. It''s about us trying to make you see that you should seriously consider reevaluating some of the perceptions and attitudes you have... And Deco is famous here for her "tough love". I happen to agree with the points she made... Try to remember that life isn''t just about you.

 

[Sparkster]

Date: 11/9/2006 8:20:58 AM
Author: sunsetstar
Thank you everyone for your stories and options. I am 24 and am learn many new life lessons. If you read some of my posting you will see that I was every depressed with the treatment of my friend during the beautiful time of my engagement . I would cry on the phone with my mom, and till this day I hold a grudge with all of them for ruining it for me. Instead of being happy I was stressed out about wonder if I can talk to any of them about my plans, at the time and I couldn''t. So am I happy for my friend that was clearly not happy for me when it happened? NO its really hard too. To be honest I do question my friends, but they are all I know. I have excepted the fact that the only person that is most important is my future my fiance. This has all been an eye opening experience. I really never thought that I would feel such a wave of emotions. I try to be happy for her, but then I think of all the things she has done to her poor fiance, and I feel like she doesnt even deserve it . The minute he proposed she was dress shopping. Whille when it happened to me I just wanted to hold my baby and love him up. Not once did I think of that glamor of it all. Which I feel she is ! so maybe I should have written this in the last post and you would understand why Its kinda hard to be 100% happy when I feel that she is doing it for all the wrong reason, and she is clearly not in love with that man because she told me so. That''s why I feel she just wanted to get married because I sparked some interest.

Thank you all and I dont want you to think im self centered, because im really not. I am always happy for people but when you hold a grudge it makes it hard too. Thats mainly what im feeling but we did decide to got dress shopping for the 2007 winter collections on gowns together. So maybe in time I will get over it. I slowly am !

Sunset, maybe it''s time to get a whole new set of friends. This will take time and yes, it can be a very lonely experience in doing so, but when you come across new ''friends'' (in the true sense) it will be worth it. The fact that your sign off says all your friends are jealous speaks volumes about what you really think of them. It''s a sign off that even though it may not be intended, you are rubbing it into their faces that you''re engaged - friends don''t do that to each other. Your engagement period should be one of joy and extreme happiness, not one-upmanship.

And yes, your FI should be your most important person, but there''s nothing like having have a great bunch of girls to surround yourself with. All the best with your future and I hope you will make some great new friends along the way

 

[codex57]

I agree. It sounds like you need totally new friends. People change, usually do to the dramatic life events that happen from 18-25. People going off to college, working and finding out about the real world, marriage, kids, etc. Those events can change people. You may have been friends with them for a long time, but it sounds like you''re not compatible anymore.

I had a best friend in elementary school. Inseparable. We were apart one year before reuniting in junior high. However, he had changed and we didn''t get along anymore. Do I still feel sad and miss what we had? Sure, even tho it was like 15 years ago. Still, I knew it was time to move on shortly after talking to him back in the 8th grade. Same has happened to some of my high school and college friends. Great friends then, and for whatever reason, not anymore. That''s life.

I know when I have kids, things will change even more with my friends as my life will revolve mainly around them. Even dates with my wife will take a backseat to what the kids need.

 

[Mara]

lol deco you as usual hit the nail on the head with that last post. i gotta admit that i felt the same way about the siggy 'my friends are jealous' and the whole posing avatar thing combined with the posts that have been made, including this one. don't really have too much to add other than my feeling that PS has some really wonderful, intelligent, GROUNDED individuals here. i rarely see a bad piece of advice on here from mature women (and men too!)...so i would really read and re-read what some people on here have said to you, sunsetstar. yes you are young and i remember what it was like to be your age, and chances are things you perceive as 'slights' are not, people probably do not even consider you for a moment when making THEIR own life decisions. and PS'ers will tell it how they see it. it's not about upsetting someone or hitting a nerve. listen to this advice people are giving you and try to grow a bit. good luck.

 

[qtiekiki]

I read all the posts and agree with a lot of what was said. Maybe your friends changed over the course of your friendship, but at the same time maybe you changed too. Friendship is not a one-way relationship; both persons have to make an effort for it to grow. Instead of blaming everyone else for the failing friendships, it''s time for you to step up and take some responsibilities. If you truly value the friendships, you should have heart-to-heart talk with your friends and try to figure out and resolve any issues between you. Only after that, can you truly decide if the friendships are worth saving. I am not saying you are to blame as I only know what you posted, but we tend to see only our side of a situation. Sometimes it''s good to see the other side of the situation, so we can learn from it and even if it doesn''t help with the current situation, it can help us in future situation so as to not repeat it.

I personally don''t really understand your grudge with her. Is it because she wasn''t happy for you when you got engaged? or because she doesn''t love her fiance and is getting married for the sake of getting married? If it''s the former, then I hope the dress shopping will help amend your friendship and you can be happy for each other. If it''s the later, then I don''t think you are in the position to judge. It''s her life and she can do what she wants with it. As her friend, you don''t have to agree with her choices but you should support her and be there for her when she needs you. That''s what friends are for.

I hope you will have wonderful friendships in your life (either with your current or new friends).

 

[flopkins]

About a month after we were engaged, two of my friends both got engaged within a week of each other. One of them got married before me, the other three weeks after me.

Let me tell you, there were absolutely no hard feelings between any of us when we all got engaged and married. In fact, I think we all pretty much knew it was going to happen for us around the same time anyway.

The only thing I was sad about was the fact that I couldn''t attend the wedding right after ours, because it was a destination wedding right after our honeymoon - we didn''t have the money or the time off after our own wedding... That and I wanted her to be a BM but decided against it when we realized she was going to be married right after me, just too much stress for her.

Anyway, good luck on your wedding planning!

 

[laine]

Date: 11/9/2006 1:14:03 AM
Author: Cehrabehra

My daughter has an extremely unusual name (Acacia) and I''d wanted to use it since I was a freshman in HS... well I had this friend M who had a SIL pregnant and due the same month as I. I never actually *met* the SIL but we knew each other existed etc. M *never* said anything to either of us about our name choices, but then she had a boy and a couple weeks later I had a girl.... when M told her SIL that I named my daughter Acacia, the SIL got so pissed off she refused to speak to M for SIX MONTHS and called her a liar and said she''d given me that name. i don''t even know if M knew I liked that name, but she NEVER told me her SIL liked it... I thought it was a cool coincidence that we both liked it when it''s so unusual, and I could not believe how bent up the SIL got because she thought I, someone she''d never met before, had ''stolen'' a name she NEVER ended up using, ever (3 boys) LOL oh well ... these make for amusing anecdotes later on haha

Slightly related, when my mom was pregnant with my brother, my parents had picked out Lindsay if he was a girl, Blair for a boy, but hadn''t told many people of their choices. About 2 weeks before he was born, their friend gave birth to a daughter, Blair Lindsay. My parents just laughed and realized they had better start thinking of new names.

 

[sean_morrison44]

i have a related story thats now kinda funny
my cousin (He''s like 1 1/2 years younger then me)got got a girl pregnant(dont know whole story but think she told him she was taking pills when she wasnt)
well he stayed in relationship with her nad was a father to the child (the childs now 1ish years old).i think he got her a ring , but didnt have a date and was thinking of waiting awhile before gettin married. me and my fi picked out a day we wanted to get married(7-7-07)..and then told my mom so she could start getting prepared (and of course the news spread around). well then in sept. my cousin all of a sudden decided they wanted to get married in april on a beach.(which my mom was saying probably because he wanted to be the 1st of our cousins to get married (there''s 11 cousins-i''m 4th oldest))my gpa is dead, but gma is alive so would be the 1st granchild of hers that gets married. well this brings us to the present where they split up-no wedding, not in relationship anymore-shes going to be moving somewhere else soon.
this kinda teaches a lesson about trying to beat someone in getting married if your not ready. (thou theres confusion about who''s to blame for the breakup). that kinda gives me aguility happy feeling becuase if he was trying to beat me it serves a lesson (after all-he was alreayd the first one to have a kid), but i feel horrible for for his mom, who now wont be able to see her grandson anymore etc.

 

[Girlrocks]

All of my friends and I got engaged, married, bought houses, had kids, etc. all within weeks/months of each other. That's just the way life works, most of my friends are within 3-4 years of me (up or down) so it's just natural to go through "life" with them and do things around the same time as them. Stealing your thunder after 2 months...how long does your thunder last?

When I got married 8 years ago, my husband and I picked the date of September 26. Well, my husband's sister FLEW OFF THE HANDLE because that was her wedding day (20 years at the time of our marriage) and she could not believe we had the nerve to "steal" her wedding day. Well, she's going through a divorce now! My hubby and I just laughed it off and went ahead with the day anyway.

5 days before my wedding, my brother's wife had their 2nd child. She was also my matron of honor. Poor thing, walking down the aisle 5 days after giving birth in a floor length, form fitting dress...god love her! I couldn't have been happier for her.

When I got pregnant with twins, this same brother and sister-in-law got pregnant with their 3rd child 2 months later. When I got pregnant with my 3rd, they got pregnant with their 4th 10 weeks later. We all absolutely love the fact that the cousins are so close in age. I loved being pregnant at the same time as her. We were experiencing the same things at the same time and it was great to have someone close to compare all of the "dirty" details about pregnancy with! Now, they are pregnant with their 5th child and the family joke is that my hubby and me better start getting busy!! haha!

By best friend since kindergarten (30 years now) and I had our pregnancies as well at the same time. Our oldest kids are 5 months apart and our youngest, just 2 weeks. I could go on and on with the similarities, but as I said above, it's just natural to go through these milestones with people the same age as you.

I don't mean this in a condecending or mean way at all but you are young still and as you get older, you'll realize that this does not matter at all and you will probably laugh at yourself for feeling this way. Everyone who is older on these boards is just trying to make you realize that in the scheme of life, this is really trivial. Be happy for your friends throughout your laugh for their happiness and cry with them during their sad times. Being a great friend is what matters, and try not to let your jealousy win out here.

 

[firebirdgold]

It seems to me that it''s different when the other person getting engaged/married is family.
I wasn''t really jealous, but I was not at all happy when my (decade younger) fsil got engaged before us and decided to get married in the fall of ''06 which is when I had wanted to get married. It was compounded when my fi told me that we couldn''t get engaged too soon after his sister because she''d be upset and also that none of his extended family would be able to afford to come to our wedding even if would be six months later.
My resentment was softened a fair amount because I do understand how hard it is to be the younger sibling who struggles with life to a smart, successful older sibling who seems touched with golden luck. Being in my fi''s shadow all her life, even if it was mostly in her head, can''t have been easy. Once I thought about it, I realized that I didn''t really begrudge her the chance to take center stage with her family. Plus it was a blessing in disguise that we started to think about really small weddings, otherwise we wouldn''t be getting married in hawaii!

If it had been a friend I wouldn''t have minded but it was hard to happily talk about wedding stuff with my future-in-laws when we weren''t engaged yet.
Think about it this way Sunset, you can plan your weddings together and support each other. There will be someone to share the fustration of finding the perfect dress and picking the perfect invitations. It''ll be a lot of fun! Unless all your friends have to fly somewhere to both of your weddings, I doubt they''ll choose one over the other.

 

[codex57]

Date: 11/10/2006 11:56:02 AM
Author: Girlrocks
Stealing your thunder after 2 months...how long does your thunder last?

Hahaha, that reminds me of that one Sex and the City episode where Charlotte was griping over something like this and Miranda tells her, "You get a day, not a week" or something like that.

When I got pregnant with twins, this same brother and sister-in-law got pregnant with their 3rd child 2 months later. When I got pregnant with my 3rd, they got pregnant with their 4th 10 weeks later. We all absolutely love the fact that the cousins are so close in age.

I''ve got two cousins from my mom''s side that are just about my age. I think it''s cool. One has lived next to us pretty much my whole life. It was always nice having someone to play with. He got married 2 weeks after me. Got engaged right after me too. I suppose I could look at it like he was stealing my thunder (since I thought he got married kinda soon after meeting her), but I didn''t sweat it. Just was happy for him. He was one of my groomsmen, I was one of his. I guess he coulda been annoyed when a bunch of his guests were talking to me like remarking on how tanned I looked during his wedding (cuz I had just come back from my honeymoon), but nope. We just went on getting him excited about his wedding and honeymoon.

Yeah, I know I''m a guy and the whole wedding thing usually effects guys and girls differently, but this isn''t something to stress over. Weddings have enough stress as it is to worry about crap like this.

 

[lumpkin]

I''m late getting in on this, sorry.

I don''t know your background or your friend''s or your family''s, but I''m going to assume there''s more to this story.

All I can say is that weddings bring out the best and the worst in people. There''s a lot of jockying for position when there''s a major change in the structure of the family -- and that goes with friends, too. Maybe your friend(s) is(are) afraid that once you get married you will be more your husband''s wife than their friend. Which is true, you will be. Everyone knows that loyalties shift (and should) when a couple gets married. They may be afraid of losing you, or losing their place in your life.

As for her suddenly getting engaged and beating you to the altar, you may truly be seeing something in her behavior that is disturbing to you, and only you really know the dynamics of your friendship. My suggestion is to give serious consideration as to how much you treasure this friendship and whether she really is a friend, or a frenemy. If it''s the latter, move on to other friends. If she is a true friend, try to really comprehend where all this is coming from on her side and yours and work it out with her. And be truly happy for her, even if she isn''t happy for you right now. There may be a time when something wonderful is happening in her life when you can''t find it in yourself to be happy for her and she is the one who will have to be forgiving.

I had a coworker once who had a very hard time with miscarriages and confided in me that her best friend was pregnant and she just could not be happy for her. She wanted to be, she knew she should be, but she was furious that her friend got pregnant so easily and was having such an easy pregnancy. Maybe there is something in your friend''s background that she is really having a hard time getting around.

And then as Codex said, friends change and outgrow each other, and it simply may be that.

 

[phoenixgirl]

If your friend has gotten engaged to a man she doesn''t love because she''s jealous of you, then that''s sad, right? She deserves your pity, not your anger.

And no, she''s not stealing your thunder. My brother was engaged for a year before he got married. My sister got engaged seven months before his wedding and married six weeks before. It was a little crazy for my family, but it was the right time for her.

You wrote this in an earlier post:

Oh man I''m still so pissed. Yesterday my (BESTFRIEND) and I '' (starting to feel like she''s not a true friend'') had a drink. I wanted to start talking to her about the annoucement Ideas I had come up with. By the way she hasnt even tried give me any ideas. And she thinks she is going to be my maid of honor and by the look of it if her jealous doesnt go away soon. She is so not being it. Plus ill get rid of her completely because she is getting on my nerves. Plus everytime I try to bring up anything about my engagement she changes the subject. why ?

You and your friends may have been drawn to each other because you like to compete with and feel superior to each other. I don''t know. But I do know I would never announce I was going to "get rid of a friend completely" or say, "She is so not being my maid of honor!" because someone is getting on my nerves. It doesn''t sound like your friendship is based on much that is real and solid, so I wouldn''t mourn its loss too much.

 

[Webmn0key]

Wow, wish your S.O. luck for me.

Did it ever occur to you that the GUY asked her to marry and didnt consult her on all of her friends current status. You have issues.