Friend needs relationship advice.

[june48]

She is in her early 20s and recently got engaged to a guy she dated for about 14 months. He''s in his late 20s. She absolutely adores him and realizes that he''s the one, but she recently realized that she can be pretty immature at times (throwing temper-tantrums when she gets upset, feeling overwhelmed by grad school stress, etc). Thus, she feels a little guilty about tying the knot when she doesn''t have her stuff together. What''s the best thing to do? Just have a long (2 years or so) engagement where she tries to work on herself? What''s the best way to do this? Should they move in together now or hold off on that? I''d love to hear any/all advice you might have. He''s ultra sweet and reassuring with her when she gets emotional and stuff, but she worried that it will start to affect their relationship so she doesn''t want to start off on the wrong foot.

 

[MelissaSue]

I''d say maybe they should go to couples counselling to work out her issues. If they are in love.. he should be willing to work with her to get through all her issues.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

I think counseling would be best to try first. If that isn''t helping anything, then maybe a long engagement would help.

 

[decodelighted]

I, for one, do not think couples counseling is in order. Sounds like she needs personal therapy to deal with her emotions HERSELF. Individual therapy is VERY VERY helpful in learning to deal with life/stresses etc.

I don''t see why she needs to put the brakes on her relationship though. If he''s ok with things as they are, and she starts on the path of self-help ... things will probably be fine by the time they''re married.

I heard that when Anne Bancroft met Mel Brooks, she said to her own therapist "Fix me quick -- I found THE ONE! And I don''t want to f*ck it up!"

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 1/16/2006 12:15:26 PM
Author: decodelighted
I, for one, do not think couples counseling is in order. Sounds like she needs personal therapy to deal with her emotions HERSELF. Individual therapy is VERY VERY helpful in learning to deal with life/stresses etc.

I don''t see why she needs to put the brakes on her relationship though. If he''s ok with things as they are, and she starts on the path of self-help ... things will probably be fine by the time they''re married.

I heard that when Anne Bancroft met Mel Brooks, she said to her own therapist ''Fix me quick -- I found THE ONE! And I don''t want to f*ck it up!''

I second the individual counseling idea...I do not mind admitting that I am currently in individual counseling and it is the best thing for me and those I love. You have to be as "whole" as you can to be able to offer the best part of you in any given intimate relationship, I feel...

 

[JCJD]

If she knows he''s the one, and he knows she''s the one, then they should work on her personal issues together. He can kindly let her know when she''s being immature and she can work on recognizing when and why she''s being immature in the first place. Whether they decide that it''s best for them to do that during a long engagement or during their marriage (there will be bigger fish to fry in their married future) is up to them.
Personally, I don''t see why she should feel guilty about getting married while dealing with personal problems. We ALL have issues, and that shouldn''t stop someone from marrying, so long as their partner knows about them before hand and is willing to help deal with them. Couples counseling sounds like a very good idea.

 

[qtiekiki]

It sounds like they have a great relationship and he is very acceptance of her despite of her tantrums and emotional stages, so I don't feel like it's really a couple issue. She needs to grow as an individual to handle the stress of her life, so individual therapy would be helpful.

However, do their ages affect her view of herself as being immature? Do you think she is immature as a friend? I know one of friends who was 24 and in pharm school was dating a guy in his early 30s, and she felt really immature around him because the ways that he treated her. Both to me, she was very mature and goal oriented. So I was wondering if that might have to do with her feeling of immaturity. If that is the case, then couple counseling is the way to go because that become a couple issue.

I guess what I am trying to say is that your friend have to determine what causes her feeling of immaturity before she can figure out what to do. She is the only one who really knows what is best of her and their relationship; all we can do is suggest possible solutions, but she is the only one who can make the correct choice.

I don't think she needs to prolong the engagement because growing together is part of a relationship. Great couple will continue to encourage growth in each other and be supportive of the growth. Had she discuss this with her bf? I think that would be important so they can be on the same page.

 

[AndyRosse]

Date: 1/16/2006 2:44:08 PM
Author: qtiekiki
It sounds like they have a great relationship and he is very acceptance of her despite of her tantrums and emotional stages, so I don''t feel like it''s really a couple issue. She needs to grow as an individual to handle the stress of her life, so individual therapy would be helpful.

However, do their ages affect her view of herself as being immature? Do you think she is immature as a friend? I know one of friends who was 24 and in pharm school was dating a guy in his early 30s, and she felt really immature around him because the ways that he treated her. Both to me, she was very mature and goal oriented. So I was wondering if that might have to do with her feeling of immaturity. If that is the case, then couple counseling is the way to go because that become a couple issue.

I guess what I am trying to say is that your friend have to determine what causes her feeling of immaturity before she can figure out what to do. She is the only one who really knows what is best of her and their relationship; all we can do is suggest possible solutions, but she is the only one who can make the correct choice.

I don''t think she needs to prolong the engagement because growing together is part of a relationship. Great couple will continue to encourage growth in each other and be supportive of the growth. Had she discuss this with her bf? I think that would be important so they can be on the same page.

I absolutely agree with qtiekiki. Individual vs. couple counseling should depend on why she thinks she is acting immature.

And it sounds like her fiance is fine with how she acts, etc., so I don''t see a need to postpone the wedding. Everyone has issues (like MS said) and if we all waited until we sorted them out, no one would get married! Of course, if she thinks her issues will affect the quality of the marriage, then I can understand her hesitation. But I''m not sure how it would affect the marriage if it is not affecting their relationship right now. How is a piece of paper going to really change things?

But in the end, it is up to your friend to talk with her fiance and decide what to do. The first thing every relationship and marriage need is open communication.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 1/16/2006 2:44:08 PM
Author: qtiekiki
It sounds like they have a great relationship and he is very acceptance of her despite of her tantrums and emotional stages, so I don''t feel like it''s really a couple issue. She needs to grow as an individual to handle the stress of her life, so individual therapy would be helpful.

However, do their ages affect her view of herself as being immature? Do you think she is immature as a friend? I know one of friends who was 24 and in pharm school was dating a guy in his early 30s, and she felt really immature around him because the ways that he treated her. Both to me, she was very mature and goal oriented. So I was wondering if that might have to do with her feeling of immaturity. If that is the case, then couple counseling is the way to go because that become a couple issue.

I guess what I am trying to say is that your friend have to determine what causes her feeling of immaturity before she can figure out what to do. She is the only one who really knows what is best of her and their relationship; all we can do is suggest possible solutions, but she is the only one who can make the correct choice.

I don''t think she needs to prolong the engagement because growing together is part of a relationship. Great couple will continue to encourage growth in each other and be supportive of the growth. Had she discuss this with her bf? I think that would be important so they can be on the same page.

i second this...