"Friends" engagement/wedding schedule

[JenStone]

Does anyone else watch Friends?

I''m still obssessed with that show, even though there are only reruns these days.

Do you remember the episode where Rachel (Jennifer Aniston''s character) talks about at what age she wants kids? Based on that, she counts backwards and chooses an age to get married, an age to get engaged, and finally, an age range to meet the right guy.

For me, I want to have my first kid before or on 30. That means getting pregnant at 28-29. I would want a year or two for just the two of us before having kids....that means I need to get married at 27 or 28. And I want at least a year to plan my wedding....engagement at 25-27.

I''m 25 now!

Luckily, my boyfriend didn''t freak out when I told him this. He said, "Well when you''re 27, I''d be 30...that seems like a good age to get married."

Do you have a schedule similar to this?

 

[Mandarine]

yes....but my schedule has already been bumped back several times

a mixture of bad relationships and not the right ones......so I''m now 28 (soon to be 29)...my new schedule is to be married by 30-30 and a half....so my BF better hurry up!

Actually I am thankful...because I didn''t just try to stick to my "schedule" and held off until someone felt completely right...and my BF is that person...so the bumping back was well worth it!

M~

(I love friends too!)

 

[Mannequin]

I had this very convo with my guy recently. It was eye opening for me to hear that he doesn''t want any kids until he is about 30. I want to be a tenured teacher when I have a child, which means if I am 23 now and need four years to be tenured, I could begin spawning at 27. He would be 28 at that time. I realized that our timeframes for many things were a little mismatched and after some discussion, we came to some tentative agreements on things. I told him I didn''t feel comfortable living with him until I get my ring, and that I did not want to have kids until I was married. We also now know that we will likely need a summer wedding too, as teaching doesn''t allow for easy time off for honeymoons or pre-wedding planning time during the school year . I think we have schedules and agendas for ourselves more often than the guys do, and it just takes some talking to get them thinking about what they want. Boys don''t plan this stuff out.

 

[ilovesparkles]

I''m glad you brought up this topic JenStone! I have quite a few different schedules set in my head and haven''t really sat down to figure out if they all mesh together or not. One I have to finish my Master''s before getting married (next May). I want our wedding date to be on our current anniversary so that doesn''t change, plus I am sentimental (end of October). Before having kids I would like to have a stable full time job for two years and be married for at least one. I also want 3 kids, and want them 4 years apart. I would like to start having kids no later than 28. And the last little stickler, my flower girl is rapidly growing up, I actually talked to her in Jan. (I''ve nannied for the family for 7 years) She is 9 and we figure she can be a flower girl until 12-13. However, given the situation with my BF and I, I don''t think there will be an engagement for another 2 years. So all of this is nice and dandy but some of it may be unrealistic. Oh well, the girl I take care of may just be a junior bridesmaid instead of a flower girl. I am only 23 so theortically I have lots of time to establish my career and be married before 28. Ok I have gone on way long enough.

Amanda

 

[firebirdgold]

Ok, you guys are officially scaring me. I'm just now starting to think seriously about kids and I'm 33!

I did talk awhile back with my bf about a theoretical schedule if we were going to have kids. I firmly believe every kid should have a sibling; so that's 2 kids before I'm 41, at least three years of marriage before getting pregnant, and we won't be getting married until I'm almost 35. Just a wee bit of a tight schedule, huh? Too bad there's no history of twins in either of our families!

I always thought I wasn't very interested. But I recently got the news that there's now no serious medical impediment and I was surprised at how happy that made me.

Guess I was just fooling myself. I'm still not 100% convinced I want children, though. I think I'll let my SO, who manages to avoid all dinners with our friend when she has her toddler with her, make that call.

 

[decodelighted]

Wellllll...ladies, don''t get so caught up in future plans that you miss out on your present: your love, your youth, your health. Hate to say it but even tomorrow isn''t promised to us. Life is full of so many unknowns & wrong turns & suprises & bumps in the road. Aiigh. Timelines like that make me SO nervous!

Probably at one time I thought I''d get married at 27, have two kids between 30-33 & live happily ever after. But I also thought I''d be a history professor living in Virginia or perhaps a lawyer.

I absolutely, positively never planned to be a 38 year old, never married but engaged, non-kid-wanting, solo-homeowner living in the shadow of NY''s Catskill mountains, writing & producing TV promos & shows from a guy''s home office, surrounded with four cats (even though I''m not a cat person and quite possibly allergic), a dog that fits in my pocket, and a fiance whose been married before and whom I previously dated but once ruled out for jerky but not actually deal-breaking worthy behavior.

So ... what does that tell ya?

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 3/21/2006 10:15:53 PM
Author:JenStone
Do you remember the episode where Rachel (Jennifer Aniston''s character) talks about at what age she wants kids? Based on that, she counts backwards and chooses an age to get married, an age to get engaged, and finally, an age range to meet the right guy.

I''ll also kindly remind you that Jennifer Aniston''s REAL life has been a tish bit bumpier than the "idealized plan" of the sitcom character she was portraying. i.e --Husband scramming for moodier pastures full of International adoptees and ginormous lips?

 

[Honeyfly]

Oh I love Friends!!! We don''t get re-runs here, but I have them all on DVD!

I have always had a "time-line". I wanted to get married about 26-27, and I want my first kid by 30. So considering I''m 24 and almost 25, currently looking at diamonds for my ring, I think I''m doing pretty good!!! (I didn''t plan on having a boyfriend for 9 years before engagement though

but that''s the way the cookie crumbles!!!).

The scariest thing for me is trying to pay the freakin'' mortage on this house of ours on one income when we have a baby (real estate has BOOMED here in the past 5 years, we bought at the end of it damn it). Won''t be buying diamonds then, so need a great one now

 

[anchor31]

I don''t plan on having children before 28, so it''s still pretty far away for me as I''ll be 21 in May. We''ll quite possibly have a 3-year engagement (I''m hoping on two, but it might not be possible...), so I''d be married at 24, and it''d give us a few years to have time together and take care of our careers. My SO told me once he''s like to have a kid by the time he''s 30, but he''s 3½ years older than me and I don''t think I''ll be ready by then. We''ve talked about it a little, and he''s fine with waiting a little longer.

But we''ll see! As Deco said, everyone tends to make little "schedules" in their heads, but things often don''t work out this way and we have to be ready for that. I''m wishing everyone good luck though!

 

[Caribou]

You really can''t ''plan'' for these types of things in life. I mean you could get pregnant tonight, so there goes the marriage before kids plan, you know what I mean.

I think people should just let life take you where it was meant. I mean, when I was in my twenties, I never imagined I''d be 33 and still not married, but here I am...going on 34.

Won''t be married until September. Thinking back, I''m glad my life turned out this way. My life is great now!

I won''t have my first child until I''m 36 (God willing) which for me is a good age, not for all.

It''s good to have plans but for life...you can''t really predict the twist and turns you can encounter.

 

[Blenheim]

I guess that my situation is almost the opposite of most of the ladies posting. My BF has told me that he thinks 24 or 25 is a good age to start having kids (so, 2-3 years from now). To which I replied, "No babies until tenure!!" His response was basically that it''s my body and my career, so that''s fine. I''m beginning to rethink my original time-line for kids. But, it''s probably so far in the future that it''s not shaping my desire to get engaged or married at a certain age.

I also agree that life never works as planned.

 

[vizsla]

CRAP... if i would have stuck with my original "plan", i''m quite sure i would be very upset with myself... i can''t tell you how much you are going to change in your 20''s... the beginning is light years away from the end. think about yourself at the beginning of college and then at graduation.. would you even recognize that person?

i thought the same thing.. married mid 20''s, babies by late 20''s.. but the fact of the matter is that you can''t put a hold on life and wait until it meets up with your plan... sooo many wonderful and unplanned things happen, and you have to love every single one of them.. they make you who you are.

my bf and i have now come to a point, we''ve lived together for 3 years and when we marry (2007 - fingers crossed) we could theoretically start having kids right away and everything would be back on schedule.. but the fact is that now neither one of us knows if that is what we truly want... a 180 degree difference from 5 years ago... and i''m so glad i didn''t have kids early and then regret something i wouldn''t have been able to do if i had.. life is an adventure.. live it and things will come when they are supposed to.....and not a second sooner

 

[sumbride]

I FULLY agree with Viszla! You never know what will come along!

When I was in elementary school, we had an assignment to write a letter to ourselves 15 years later. I read mine a couple of years ago and was AMAZED at what I had thought back then. I grew up in a small town in Texas, so it was completely abnormal to NOT get married right out of high school or college. Of course, my family wouldn''t have heard of it happening before college graduation, so I always thought I''d be married when I was 23. Then reality set in! At 23 I was dating the WRONG people. Was serious with one, thought I''d marry him just because the timing seemed right. Thankfully, he ended it before we got to that point. Now, at 28, almost 29, I''m thrilled that my "plan" didn''t come to fruition because I''m finally with the RIGHT man and looking ahead into the future together.

Back then I thought I wanted two or three kids. Now, I''m not even sure I want one. He isn''t either. Every once in a while I point out that, at 28, I really only have about 10 years of healthy fertility left. Maybe not even that many thanks to some genetic impediments in my family. But then we both say, "well, do we even want kids?" then decide if we want them later we can always adopt.

My early twenties were very change-filled. I''m SUCH a different person now than I was at 22, even 25... and thank god for that! I have friends that got married right out of college... one who is getting a divorce now and rediscovering dating... some are getting ready to start their families... and good for them... but I''m glad I didn''t do that because for me, breaking my schedule was the best thing I could have done.

 

[Blenheim]

Sumbride, and others who were in similar situations:

When you were 23, did you think that you wanted to marry the man who you were dating because the timing was right? Or have you realized in retrospect that that''s what was going on?

I''ve seen the slightly more mature LIWs write on multiple occasions that they''re glad that they waited to get engaged. Viszla is talking about how much people change in their twenties, and I''ve seen quite a few LIWs write about how they would have married the wrong guy if they had gotten married earlier. I''m 22. I want to marry my BF one day, and am generally secure in that decision. But sometimes, when I see what others write in retrospect about their relationships when they were my age, I question whether I''m too young. Is there any way to tell at this age that he''s really the right man for me, other than having an 8-year long engagement? Or is this one of the things that you have to just learn the hard way?

 

[sumbride]

Blenheim -

I understand your dilemma, but I don''t think there''s any real way to know... For me, at the time I wanted to marry him because I was in love and felt he was right for me. It''s only in retrospect that I realize how wrong I was... that it was the timing more than the relationship. I don''t know if there''s a way to fast forward to that and make sure all is well... I wish there were!

I think now I realize this is the right relationship vs. just good timing because I had that bad one and have been able to reflect on it. There were things that I was hiding from myself... like how different we were... we didn''t really relate to each other in a lot of areas. There were a lot of things I found myself settling for, but I was so blindly in love that I didn''t notice until later. We were only together about a year, it was sort of fast and furious... and I think that can be a huge red flag. I have no doubt that some people can meet the right person, fall in love and get married all within a couple of months... but for me, I really think I moved to fast in that and skipped over a lot of stuff. Now, at 28, I''ve been with my boyfriend for over three years, living together about 8 months. We''ve been through all the seasons a couple of times... survived holidays together, illnesses, death, pets, friends, home buying, car buying, career changes, long distance and relocation... and we''ve handled it beautifully. Sure, there were times I wasn''t sure it was going to work, but in my heart, the reason I know it will is that if we NEVER actually got married, I still would want to be with him, share my life with him. I suppose I can say this because I know we both want marriage... but I want my life to be with him, come what may.

As far as whether or not you''re ready to make that decision "at your age", I think age only becomes a factor if you think things will always be as they are now. Your twenties are probably the most volatile decade in terms of personal growth and development... you go from a very sheltered environment to trying to find your place in the world with very few hands helping you... personal beliefs are challenged as you meet others that are different... careers can be horrible or fantastic... friends move on different paths at different paces... it''s amazing how much can change... but that''s not to say you can''t do all that with somebody beside you. I think the key is realizing that you two will be together through all of it, weathering it together, and (hopefully) changing in the same direction. If you love him with all your heart and know in your head that this is it, of course you can make it. But don''t force yourself to feel that way just because you''ve been dating for x number of years, you''re xx years old, and this is "what''s next."

-sum

 

[vizsla]

that''s a hard one.. i dated the same guy throughout college and after college.. total of 7 years... and was ABSOLUTELY convinced he was "the one". we even moved to another country together! i fully planned on marrying him, and probably would have and would have been "happy". (then my current bf came along)

it''s so hard to give advice because if i hadn''t seen things in my current bf that i was totally needing from my ex, i would have never known that "this certain characteristic" is something very important. because we had dated so long and i really didn''t know what else was out there, and i didn''t fully know "myself" yet... and that''s a big one (i mean it''s only been in the last year that i can admit that i don''t look good in shorts.. god that one hurt my current bf is still amazed that if i knew something important was missing why was i willing to settle?

because i was comfortable? - probably, because he was safe? - sure, because it was easy? - absolutely! but these are not good enough reasons to marry someone FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! you have to find those things that are important to you, and if your bf isn''t willing to give them to you, then you have to 1) live with that, or 2) you can find someone who will.

for me, i wanted to know that i would always be a part of his plan.. if he was going to go to grad school i wanted to know he was thinking about a plan for both of us (he wasn''t) i wanted to know that we would work thru everything together (he didn''t) i wanted someone who would think of "us" before "him" (he was definitely a "me first" kind of guy) - i didn''t want to wait around for him to make decisions on life for the rest of ours.. it is a joint decision.. especially when married.

i would have thought anyone telling me how much my life would change from 24 to 29 was crazy... and still to this date i don''t know how much my experience would help anyone else contemplating getting married so young.. i mean thought about it, we all have... but the only thing i can say is that it''s such a big deal.. it''s not just a fancy ring and a great party.. it''s hard work, and it''s harder work to remember each and every day why you love someone.. and why you want to be in a marriage with this person.. it''s not just having a roommate, it''s not just living with someone (which i feel like some of my friends who have gotten married are doing.. just "living with someone" instead of "being married to someone") - i know there are going to be many people who disagree, but living with my bf before marriage was the best thing that could have happened.. when so many marriages end in divorce, i''d rather "break up" because we find out we can''t live together then divorce...

i don’t'' know if this has helped in any way, and i have seen marriages work when people get married young.. it all depends on the person i guess.. i''m just glad i didn''t settle and i really thought about those things that were important to me (it''s hard sometimes to admit what those things are.. it means realizing that "mr. right may be mr. wrong")

follow your heart (and stomach).. it really does know best

 

[Caribou]

When I was in my early 20''s I was engaged to my ex-boyfriend, if I had married him I would be completely miserable today, would be emotionally and mentally abused, and have no self worth left. Today, I am a completely different person...it''s taken me awhile to get to this point and I''ve made a few mistakes along the way. But I would do it all over again to get me to this point.

Don''t rush things if you don''t want to and don''t let people pressure you into something this huge, regardless of how long you''ve been with your boyfriend/fiance. If you are questioning whether it''s the right thing to do at this point in your life, then take a step back. It''s okay at 21-23 to not know where you want to go in life, whom you want to go with, or when you want to do these life altering things. Heck, at 33, I''m just realizing what will make me happy in life. So you have time....have fun in your life now. I know some people think that 36 is too old to have kids. But I had fun in my 20''s (most of the time) and am still having a blast. I can at least say that even though I''ll be between 54 and 57 when my kid is graduating from HS I had my fun...10++ years of it and it was great. Now I just want to sit back and enjoy the rest of my ride.

 

[decodelighted]

For most of us, life up to our mid-to-late twenties is pretty laid out for us. Elementary School. High School. College or Professional training. Entry level jobs. Small promotions & jumps in responsibility. NO WONDER we get the idea that "life will always be like that". I think the reason so many people have "mid-life-crisis" now at 25, 27, 30 is that one day you look around and realize LIFE is COMPLETELY different than you thought it would be. Not spelled out in easy 2-4 year steps & test grades & dances & seasons & lists & schedules. But a BIG, CRAZY, MESSY beast frought with tragedy and unfairness and injustice and unpredictable occurances around every bend. The boyfriend you thought had all the potential in the world actually never finds a professional job and starts gambling. The nice person who hired you & promised you a promotion is a tyrant who becomes threatened by you, stabs you in the back and gets you fired. They don''t teach this stuff in college or grad school & most parents don''t really "come clean" about the harsher realities of life in the hopes their kids magically avoid all trauma & dissapointment.

But I''ll tell ya! Enjoy the moment. You''ll never be more beautiful and healthier and more energetic than you are RIGHT NOW! Don''t define yourself by your relationships and how they''re moving along -- figure YOURSELF out first. Explore your own secret wishes & goals & see where that takes you. Stuff may get bumpy and weird and heartbreaking, but if the REST of life was a structured as the first part - we''d be bored by 40!

 

[JenStone]

I totally agree with everyone who say that you can''t predict life. Heck, before I met my boyfriend I didn''t even want to get married. But I''ve been with him for two and a half years now....if he does propose later this year or early next year, that seems like an appropriate time between the start of a relationship and the engagement. The timeline I posted was planned recently, when we started talking about marriage and kids together. Because I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I planned this out as an "ideal" (knock on wood) situation.

I guess I want to settle down sooner rather than later just because of where I am in life right now. I''m only 25 but most people who talk to me always comment on how mature I sound. I''ve had a lot of hardships in life and I''ve also done my fair share of partying/playing so I''m pretty certain that I want to settle down with the man I love soon.

But who knows, right?

 

[anchor31]

I wanted to add something to the "schedule" topic this morning but didn't have time.

I thought it was pretty funny to see this subject come up, since my brother (T, student, 22) is doing his Navy officer training right now and we've exchanged a few letters. In his last letter, he told me that his girlfriend of 1 year (J, student, 23), who is finishing college this Spring and will be a grade school teacher, wants them to move in together next summer. He doesn't think he's ready, and he thinks it's too soon. He also told me that he won't be graduating before Spring 2008 and then he has 18 months of military training in Esquimalt and Halifax, which pushes back family life for 4 years. By then, J will be 27, but apparently she wants at least one child before 27. T knows it's not possible to have a kid by then for him, and he asked me for advice.

So I told him that everyone makes up a little schedule about school and marriage and kids and jobs and stuff. But a lot of times it doesn't work out that way. A lot of times we have to make choices, and we should focus on making the right choice for ourself even if it changes the "schedule". I then told my brother that J will have to make a choice. She can either accept my brother's career choice and it's consequences (military wife, marriage and kids a couple of years later than she would have liked, etc.) or she can't. She can choose to have her children at 25 but not with my brother, or she can choose to wait 2 more years (and what's 2 years in a whole life??) and have them with him.

Just like I chose to leave 300 miles away from my boyfriend for school. I ended up hating my college and I'm transferring, but I figure it's something I had to try. My boyfriend and I chose to stay together even if I left and make the most of it. I firmly believe it helped us learn a lot about ourselves and each other, and without this we probably wouldn't be ready to get engaged now. I chose to transfer next year because I know it's the best thing to do for me, even if it delays my graduation by a year, maybe even two. That bumped my "schedule", but I think my happiness is worth more than a "schedule"... J (my boyfriend) and I won't be moving in together next summer because of money issues, and we both think it's better to wait so I don't have to go into debt. All those choices aren't easy to make, but we really have to consider what is really the best thing to do.

So, in the end it all really is a matter of choices and doing what's right for you, not following some schedule!

 

[caligal]

What a fun discussion! This and beautiful diamonds are why I LOVE this forum! Well, for the youngers gals I have to agree with Deco, Wren, Caribou and all my other beautiful approaching 30/in the 30''s gals.... you will change immensely in your 20''s and please take advantage of you single time. I too had a schedule and I also grew up in a small town in the midwest. By my age, 29, I was supposed to be a stay at home mommy... guess what? I''m soooo glad I didn''t marry any of my old boyfriends! And... I''m still not sure I want any children and if I do- it will be one! I do think this changes a lot with age as we see friends who struggle with young marriages and have children and later... wonder who they are and what purpose they fill as the kids leave the nest? My advice is to throw out any schedule! Enjoy your time being single and use this time to advance in your career- move around the country- travel- and have lots of girlfriend time. If the guy you are with is the one for you... then it will work out! Relationships are a TON of work and LOTS of compromise- which is why our divorce rate is so high! You can have kids into your early 40''s... if you are 20-25... relax- you''ve got plenty of time. I definintely was more antsy to settle down and get married/have a family more when I was 21-26, but what I found out through all my relationships is what I exactly want. If you''ve found it before I did- great! But remember, men take a lot longer than we do to get to "settled land"- so be patient with your guys.

 

[leeenie]

Date: 3/22/2006 1:18:08 PM
Author: caligal

You can have kids into your early 40''s... if you are 20-25... relax- you''ve got plenty of time.

Just wanted to respectfully add that this isn''t true in a lot (not sure if majority) of cases...Many people think having kids in their 40''s is standard and won''t be significantly more difficult than at a younger age, but the truth is that fertility for women plummets in the early 30''s and also iin the late 20''s. I think it''s because so many visible Hollywood actresses have children later in life, but most of the time they don''t reveal if they''ve had to have fertility treatments which is probably true for a lot more than reveal it given the statistics (Courteney Cox Arquette being one exception). There was a book out recently by 2 women who waited to have kids and felt bamboozled about not being given the hard facts about declining fertility when they were younger, and had to have extensive fertility treatments to get pregnant. Not to mention the increased risks of bearing children "at an advanced maternal age" (>35).

Not saying that everyone is deluded or that even knowing this will really change anything in most peoples'' lives, but just wanted to point that out.

----------------

Study: Fertility declines in late 20s
http://archives.cnn.com/2002/HEALTH/04/30/fertility/index.html

Careers and babies: Fertility decline underscores dilemma
http://archives.cnn.com/2002/HEALTH/04/30/fertility.women/index.html

"Although it''s not a revelation that women''s ability to conceive a child gradually declines as they approach middle age, some seemed surprised -- even shocked -- to learn that fertility begins to fall in their late 20s.

And they''re wondering why nobody bothered to tell them.

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine argues that while the age-related decline in female fertility has been well demonstrated, it has been under-recognized by both the general population and many health care providers.

Indeed, a survey last year by the American Infertility Association found that nearly 90 percent of more than 12,000 women surveyed overestimated by five to 10 years the age at which fertility begins declining.

The society, which launched a campaign last year to better educate women about the narrowing window, suggests that''s because many women in previous generations had finished bearing children by their late 30s, so perhaps the point was moot."

 

[sumbride]

Teagreen is right on this... you can never count on having fertility later... you can''t actually count on having it at all!

My older sister had severe endometriosis, which runs in our family. She had her child at 26, fortunately (she was a lucky accident), because at 27, the pain was so severe she had a complete hysterectomy. I was 16 at the time and she told me that I''d probably get it too. Yeah, sweet sister! So I''ve been working closely with my dr. to make sure I stay healthy and thus far I am, but I sort of feel like I''m already on borrowed time since I''m 28. For me though, I feel like I would be ok with adoption if I was unable to have kids. I may do that instead of having kids... pregnancy is not at ALL appealing to me... I have a hard enough time with back pain as it is!

 

[AmberWaves]

Well, when I was 20, my best friend and I were talking, I wanted to be married by 25, with at least one child by 27. She wanted to finish school, get a great job and not get married for a long time. We''re now 26/27, and she''s married, been married for 4 years, and has an almost 2 year-old. I am 5 years past the boyfriend I wanted to marry then. Now? I''m almost engaged (gimme a week

), living with my boyfriend (Never thought I''d live with a guy before marriage), and we (the both of us) have made a semi-plan. We''ll marry next November (of ''07), enjoy a year of marriage, and then start trying for kids. We''re saying trying because we know it may take awhile. I wanted to be pregnant before 30 (I teased him that I wanted to be pregnant at our 10 year H.S. reunion next year, so they won''t notice the weight I''ve gained

), and considering my age, that means I should be 29 by the time we start trying. It''s all a felixible life plan we have set for ourselves, but not a schedule. I''ve got a great job, flexible hours, good pay, benefits, great vacation time, and an understanding work environment. He does, as well. We are taking baby steps and doing things according to what''s best for US, and OUR plan. I''m a planner, I always have been. By no means am I going to follow this plan no matter what, if I got pregnant next year (knocked on wood, right there) we''d be just as happy as we would have been if it had been planned. I dunno, I guess that''s just us! We like to make sure we both are seeing eye to eye, adn so far so good.

 

[Caribou]

Although I agree that getting pregnant gets tougher as one gets older, anyone, at any age, can have fertility problems. My mom had a hard time getting pregnant at 28, my aunt got pregnant right away at 36 (they are sisters). It seems like every time someone brings up fertility and any age past 35, the whole talk about getting pregnant at an older age is diffcult comes up.

ETA: I'm not trying to sound *itchy...it's that topic has been talked to death, IMO.

 

[decodelighted]

Who says you or your eggs are too old?

Contrary to popular belief, fertility is not determined by one's age or the number and quality of one's eggs alone. Fertility is a lifelong relationship with oneself regardless of age or whether one has a biological child.

Efforts to portray women above the age of 35 as "too old" undermine the confidence of millions of women concerning their fertility. It also places undue fear-based pressure on women in their 20's and 30's to have families when they are not yet ready to do so. I am concerned that under the weight of these judgments one's natural ability to conceive is sadly being lost in the shuffle of ageist-based statistics, charts and dictums which unnaturally separate one's emotional life from physiological consequences.

Doctrine overturned?

For generations, scientists have believed that every female mammal is born with all the eggs she will ever have. This is the basis for the argument that "old eggs" cause the decline in fertility as women age.

But a recent study at Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital discovered that female mice have germ-line stem cells in their ovaries that can make new eggs throughout the female's fertile life.

This would parallel the function of germ-line stem cells in males, which make new sperm throughout the male's fertile life.

Though more study is needed, this is a very hopeful breakthrough for women struggling to conceive.

To read the National Institute of Health summary of this study, click here >>

Madonna and Geena Davis are famous moms-over-40 but far from alone. In 2000, over 450,000 babies were born to women 35-39, and almost 95,000 to women over 40. Ironically, birth rates for women over 40 are still only half the level in 1960, before the advent of "the pill", small families, and women working instead of having children. A lot of forty-something women don't realize how fertile they are, which can account for the fact that they are second only to women aged 19-25 in frequency of abortions.

ETA: Source Found Here

EETA: In my industry its very common for women to delay starting families until their mid to late thirties. Most of these gals are SHOCKED, SHOCKED, SHOCKED at how quickly & repeatedly they were able to get pregnant because of all the "info" to the contrary. I hate to think of people rushing to have kids they may not be ready for for fear of NEVER having them... that's not fair to, hello, THE KID.

 

[Blenheim]

Sumbride, Viszla, Caribou, and Decodelighted -

Thank you for your responses.

When I was 18, I dated a guy who I could envision a future with. I now know that I would have been complete miserable and emotionally abused. He shattered my self-worth as I struggled to live up to his insane demands of what I should be like. I grew a lot once I got out of that relationship. I realized that I will always have to live with myself and always need to place myself first (not in a selfish way, just in a protective way). I''ve also gone through therapy in part to work out why I was attracted to him and to prevent myself from establishing that pattern in my relationships. While not as much time has elapsed for me as for people like Caribou, I still have been able to learn a great deal from it and have learned to recognize what I need in a relationship.

My current BF and I have now been together for almost 2.5 years. We''ve also survived dividing holiday time between our respective families, illnesses (like my poor back), and car buying. We''ve struggled as someone very close to us has battled bipolar disorder. We''ve spent 4 months an ocean apart. I was immersed in a completely different culture and at times I was very homesick, but it helped to cement to me who I am and what I want out of life. We''re on the verge of relocation and career changes. We''ve been through a lot of changes and are going to continue going through a lot of changes. I know that all of this is going to be work, but he''s worth working for. My heart tells me that he''s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I just wanted to ask this because, while my heart says yes, people are often faulty judges of themselves and of what is right for them. I haven''t had all of the life experiences as some LIWs have had, and hoped that they could share some insight into avoiding the bad experiences that they''ve gone through.

Deco, I don''t really feel pressured into this. I want to marry him eventually. There are people asking why we don''t just go ahead and do it, but I''m not going to do what''s not right for us or for our relationship.

 

[vizsla]

honestly.... i''m sharing my experience because that''s all i''ve got ....my experiences... but everyone is different... you could meet the man of your dreams at 16, fall in love, marry, have kids and live happily ever after.. it does happen...

you know what''s right for you.. that''s the great thing about your gut feeling - it''s there for a reason!

like my mom would say to me when we were shopping..."well honey, if you like it, buy it, you''re the one who has to wear it, not me"

take everyone''s opinion with a grain of salt you know when you are ready and that''s all that matters.. and tell everyone else to MYOB (mind your own business) - although that''s easier said then done... especially when everyone is asking "so.. when are you two getting married" - my fav. response of all time (with an extra side of sauciness) "when i get pregnant"

 

[Caribou]

Date: 3/22/2006 4:24:24 PM
Author: vizsla
take everyone''s opinion with a grain of salt you know when you are ready and that''s all that matters.. and tell everyone else to MYOB (mind your own business) - although that''s easier said then done... especially when everyone is asking ''so.. when are you two getting married'' - my fav. response of all time (with an extra side of sauciness) ''when i get pregnant''

ohhh that''s good Vizsla,

I''m passing that on to my single friends.

Blenheim, it''s very good that you were able to get to really know who you were in a short period of time (rather then my 10 years

I''m slow what can I say

). It''s also good that you don''t feel pressure from people asking those ''when are you getting married or engaged'' stupid questions. Keep being the strong woman that you are. You''ll know when it''s the right time for you and your boyfriend to complete your circle in life.

 

[sumbride]

Blenheim - You really sound like you''ve got it together! Keep trusting yourself!

Sum