"Friends" engagement/wedding schedule

[leeenie]

Date: 3/22/2006 3:14:10 PM
Author: decodelighted
Who says you or your eggs are too old?

Contrary to popular belief, fertility is not determined by one''s age or the number and quality of one''s eggs alone. Fertility is a lifelong relationship with oneself regardless of age or whether one has a biological child.

Efforts to portray women above the age of 35 as ''too old'' undermine the confidence of millions of women concerning their fertility. It also places undue fear-based pressure on women in their 20''s and 30''s to have families when they are not yet ready to do so. I am concerned that under the weight of these judgments one''s natural ability to conceive is sadly being lost in the shuffle of ageist-based statistics, charts and dictums which unnaturally separate one''s emotional life from physiological consequences.

Doctrine overturned?

For generations, scientists have believed that every female mammal is born with all the eggs she will ever have. This is the basis for the argument that ''old eggs'' cause the decline in fertility as women age.

But a recent study at Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital discovered that female mice have germ-line stem cells in their ovaries that can make new eggs throughout the female''s fertile life.

This would parallel the function of germ-line stem cells in males, which make new sperm throughout the male''s fertile life.

Though more study is needed, this is a very hopeful breakthrough for women struggling to conceive.

To read the National Institute of Health summary of this study, click here >>

Madonna and Geena Davis are famous moms-over-40 but far from alone. In 2000, over 450,000 babies were born to women 35-39, and almost 95,000 to women over 40. Ironically, birth rates for women over 40 are still only half the level in 1960, before the advent of ''the pill'', small families, and women working instead of having children. A lot of forty-something women don''t realize how fertile they are, which can account for the fact that they are second only to women aged 19-25 in frequency of abortions.

ETA: Source Found Here

EETA: In my industry its very common for women to delay starting families until their mid to late thirties. Most of these gals are SHOCKED, SHOCKED, SHOCKED at how quickly & repeatedly they were able to get pregnant because of all the ''info'' to the contrary. I hate to think of people rushing to have kids they may not be ready for for fear of NEVER having them... that''s not fair to, hello, THE KID.

Sure, it''s not really disputed that age is not the ONLY factor in fertility - lots of other things can come into play. But it''s also not really disputed that it IS a factor - a negative one. Of course there are always women who can and do become pregnant at "later" ages, but on average, increased age means declined fertility. The women who do get pregnant at later ages probably had even greater fertility at younger ages - but it doesn''t matter, because the can get pregnant at the later age. It matters for people with average or below average fertility for whom added years means they have trouble getting pregnant.

The new study that was cited is something new, but needs a lot more work to be considered medically/scientifically sound. The statistics in that article are presented in a deceiving way and the article is from a holistic/alternative medicine website; that approach hasn''t scientifically been proven by definition despite whatever merits it may have.

Policy-wise I don''t think people should force themselves to have children before they''re otherwise ready because of this either. I just think it''s better to be informed of the facts, rather than shocked and disappointed if one faces problems in the future (again, though it''s entirely possible that one will have no problems at all).

 

[Blenheim]

Thank you all for your supportive words!

Viszla, thank you for sharing your experience. You''ve seen more than I have in life and you''re willing to be honest, so it''s quite valuable.

And I love that response of yours! I might have to try it out sometime...

Caribou, I''m sure that you''ve figured out a lot more in your ten years than I have in my shorter time. I had a really supportive family and therapy, both of which can do wonders.

 

[flopkins]

interesting topic!

I only have one 'schedule' in my head - that I want to have my first baby by the time I'm 30 - or thereabouts. I'm 25 right now, and getting married in less than three weeks - so I think it's reasonable that we would be ready to have kids in a few years after I finish grad school and start working...

I find it interesting there are so many strong feelings about the fertility topic, I guess everyone has their own experiences that play into it... but the reality is that the average age a woman has her first child has increased siginificantly, and that statistically speaking, older women have a lower fertility rate and higher probability of complications. Yes, women over 35 have kids all the time. The point is, they are *less of them* compared to a younger age group.

Some women will have no problem concieving at 35 or 40.... and they will be surprised at how fertile they are - but how many women that age are trying to conceive and can't - but don't tell anyone about it?!!! Of course you are going to hear the positive stories of the women who have kids late... what about the negative ones? Most people are very private about that kind of thing.

deco - I think the article you posted is interesting but scientifically speaking, there is no proof that human females can generate new oocytes. The NIH article referenced is about mouse embryos ... which is similar, but not the same. As we all know, mice reproduce like crazy! Human reproduction is quite a bit more complex than mice... while it's promising that *in the future* perhaps new eggs can be made, as of now there is no such option.


I would hope that no one would 'rush' to have kids early *just* because they think it's healthier, that's just silly. If I wasn't getting married in three weeks, I'm sure my timeline would be different - But for me personally, the timeline is right - and I'm not going to deny that having a child before 30 is *partly* because of health reasons! First, having your first child before 30 is healthier for the mom, the pregnancy is less likely to have problems, and I am not about to be chasing after a 10 year old at age 50 - I'm going to be wiped out...!!! It's great for some, just not me. And bottom line - I'm REALLY looking forward to having kids, and soon! Not everyone will have the same 'schedule' - or like many said, their 'schedules' didn't happen the way they expected - that's fine, everyone has their own timeline, emotionally and circumstancially. Who knows? My mom had a really hard time concieving, and maybe I won't have my first kid before 30 - only God knows!

ETA:

oops, meant to say
Jen Stone - It sounds like your bf is on the 'right track' so to speak, but don't push things if it doesn't feel right just to fit the 'schedule'... but if things fall into place at the right time, you will know, and best of luck!

blenheim - same thing - don't feel pressured if you're not ready - if you're not, you're not!! Things will feel right if it's the right time!!! It sounds like your BF is very respectful of how you feel - that's a good sign to me!

 

[akw94]

This is an interesting topic. I know that i''ve strayed from my "plan". I never had a set time to be married and have kids, but I did plan to become a lawyer, get married, have 2-3 kids. Well, i''ve already gone a bit far from that. I ended up having a child in college and did not stay w/his father (luckily for me and my son). I finished college, went to law school and am now 30 and my son is 11! It''s almost unbelievable. So that wasn''t exactly what I envisioned. I have never been married and am so glad that I haven''t. I never would''ve been ready until recently. I really needed my 20''s to figure out who I was and what I wanted/needed with my life. As others have said, while you''re in school and still very young (early 20''s), you see things so much differently than even mid/late 20''s. Of course, it''s different for everyone, but I wouldn''t have been ready until I took the time to explore myself, learn about me before I could ever join in a healthy, life-lasting relationship. Not to mention that I wanted a fantastic person to take part in my son''s life. Now, I feel that I have found that person. Now, I feel ready to talk about marriage and maybe even more children. But I know that if we have any children, it''d be at least a few years from now. I really don''t want to be more than 35 and having children. For me, it''s very hard to imagine having a baby again. That was sooo long ago. So i''m trying to take one day at a time. It''s amazing to be in a relationship now where I can be me, where I know who I am so I can appreciate what I have and give back as much as I get. Where I am not willing to settle, where we can truly grow together.. I could go on and on...

So anyway, I value the time that I had to learn about myself. I am definitely still learning. It''s funny, my bf and I just talked about the average age of people marrying and it was mid 20''s. I thought that was so young and he thought that was just fine. It really depends on your life, what works for you, who *you* are.

 

[JenStone]

The reasons why I want to start having kids before 30:

1. I want to stay young enough to have the energy to play with my kids and be more actively involved in their lives. It's great that women have kids in their 40's and 50's - that's their choice and if they are happy about it, good for them! But I myself could never do that...if I have a kid when I'm 40, that would mean I would be 58 at their high school graduation. I just can't picture myself, at that age, attending my child's high school graduation when my own parents (right now) are not yet 58.
   
2. I'm not that into medical news so someone please correct me if I'm wrong. But isn't having kids later in life also linked to breast cancer? 5 of my mother's friends have been diagnosed with breast cancer in the past couple of years. And the one thing that they all have in common is that they all had their first child after the age of 30.
   
3. I'm not sure about all those other medical reasons, but I'm the type of person who likes to play it safe. I would just rather not risk anything.

*edit* I forgot to add: I'm not saying that I would rush into having kids just for these reasons. If I am not ready by the time I'm 30, then I will definitely wait longer.

 

[E B]

Weirdly enough, my fiance just told me he was talking to his boss, due with twin girls in her 30s. She already has a child she gave birth to in her twenties, and she says pregnancy and motherhood is much easier the younger you are. It makes sense, though it isn''t written in stone.

 

[vizsla]

that come back is from my mom!... she''s quite hilarious....

another vizlsa mom-ism - (i, in no way, claim that she made this up.. she just said it on a daily basis) "opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one" - and that''s the TRUTH! -

man.. am i going to do any work today? nope... cuz it''s almost 6

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 3/22/2006 5:16:04 PM
Author: flopkins

and I am not about to be chasing after a 10 year old at age 50 - I'm going to be wiped out...!!!

DOH! Ok, hadn't thought of that...

It's true that life never conforms to your envisioned schedules or timelines. But there's no real getting around our age or our ageing! For me it's one of the downsides of having a 5 year younger bf; for him kids are still a misty future possiblity not a fast approaching bridge-out sign.

At this point I accept that it's mostly in the hands of fate. And maybe Chinese adoption officials

Since my sister is 38, I know a few women in their late 30's and early 40's. One woman squished in two kids between 39 and 41. Another woman tried from 35 on with no luck and now has the cutest sweetest little girl I have ever met who's from China. And a third woman who is 40, got pregnant in a couple of months and is now 3+ months along. We'll see how that goes.

Also I am very glad I did not marry the guy I was engaged to in college. I sorta had the whole sweetheart in HS marry after college fairytale in my head. Thanks mom and dad.

I've only known four people who married right after college. Two are divorced and the other two are my happily married parents.

 

[anchor31]

Bleinheim - there have been a few discussion about age, maybe it can help.

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/age-and-the-length-youve-known-someone-matter.35311/=

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/the-right-age-to-get-married.36449/=

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/what-do-you-think.32993/=

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/poll-how-old-were-you-when-you-got-engaged.34426/=

It mostly all came down to being different from person to person. It depends on your experiences and how well you know yourself and each other.

Some people have told me I''m ruining my life by settling so young, but my boyfriend has never held me back. Being his girlfriend has never stopped me from leaving for school and travelling and trying new things, and neither will being engaged and married to him.

 

[Blenheim]

Thanks, Anchor! Those threads were very helpful.

Vizsla, a quick unrelated question -- I just realized that Vizsla is spelled with a "zs" and not with a "sz". How is it pronounced here in the States, or wherever you live? The "zs" is kind of a soft j sound in Hungarian, if that makes sense, so I think I''ve been consistently pronouncing it incorrectly.

 

[flopkins]

Wren -
You never know though, life throws you loops... just wait, I''ll turn 40 and have one of those ''oopsies'' kids... as FI calls them! you know, the one that''s way younger than the rest of the kids, bc they weren''t *quite* planning on having another one...

 

[vizsla]

it is hungarian.... it''s my dog''s breed.. she''s a hungarian pointer... funny thing... hungry is where my ex bf and i lived for awhile... beautiful country, i would highly recommend to anyone wanting to take an inexpensive european trip.

this is the day we brought her home from rescue... how pathetic does she look

 

[Caribou]

Date: 3/22/2006 5:24:18 PM
Author: JenStone
The reasons why I want to start having kids before 30:

1. I want to stay young enough to have the energy to play with my kids and be more actively involved in their lives. It''s great that women have kids in their 40''s and 50''s - that''s their choice and if they are happy about it, good for them! But I myself could never do that...if I have a kid when I''m 40, that would mean I would be 58 at their high school graduation. I just can''t picture myself, at that age, attending my child''s high school graduation when my own parents (right now) are not yet 58.
   
   
2. I''m not that into medical news so someone please correct me if I''m wrong. But isn''t having kids later in life also linked to breast cancer? 5 of my mother''s friends have been diagnosed with breast cancer in the past couple of years. And the one thing that they all have in common is that they all had their first child after the age of 30.
   
   
3. I''m not sure about all those other medical reasons, but I''m the type of person who likes to play it safe. I would just rather not risk anything.

*edit* I forgot to add: I''m not saying that I would rush into having kids just for these reasons. If I am not ready by the time I''m 30, then I will definitely wait longer.

These are good reasons...I mean my dad had his 3rd kid at 50, which means he''ll be 68 when she graduates.

My mom was diagnoised with breast cancer last year (stage 1 had the lump removed and some tissue but not her full breast, she went through radiation and is now on these pills, which are the same as kemo just different side effects; she won''t loose her hair with these pills. She has to take the pills for another 4 years). I went to my gyno to talk to her about it and I was really surprised to find that breast cancer isn''t just heritary, like I thought and unfortunately there are different ways to get it. Cancer does not run in my family, my mom is the first, my doctor told me that given her age (62 when diagnoised) it''s probably from menopause. So, unfortunately, there are different factors that could cause breast cancer.



This isn''t directed at anyone in particular, just venting.
I think all of us on here who are waiting, for whatever reasons, to have kids at a later age know the complications that could come from it (downs syndrome, higher risk of birth defects, higher chance of having twins (although this to me is a positive), more miscarriages). I find it slightly insulting that the instant someone mentions wanting to wait until 30 or later to have children, someone pops up and brings in all these studies that show the risks....this isn''t going to change our mind, and again, we are aware of the risks.

We don''t need it shoved in our face everytime it''s mentioned. Obviously, everyone has to do what is best for them. I really never imagined having kids any early than I am now...if I had, I think they would have had issues, had messed up dads, and I would not have been able to be the best mom I could. So for me, it was better to wait until later, get my sh*t together and then have kids.

 

[vizsla]

it''s my opinion, that if i decided to have kids.. and i''m having problems.. then maybe 1) i wasn''t supposed to have kids or 2) i can always adopt... there are thousands of childern who would give anything to have a stable home and loving parents...

my bf always jokes that when we turn 40 we will just adopt a 10 year old and be right back in the game - but it''s not a bad idea

 

[anchor31]

Fertility issues can be touchy... My parents were married at 19 and 24 and decided they were ready for children two years later. (I''m turning 21 in 6 weeks, and I can''t imagine behing ready for a kid!!

) However, after years of trying, it didn''t work. They had fertility tests and everything seemed to be in order, but... no baby. They had started procedures for adoption when my brother finally came along. My mom had just turned 29 when she gave birth. Healthy pregnancy, no problems during childbirth. And then (surprise!), my mother found herself pregnant again with my sister and I 11 months later. We were born at 30 weeks, and I have a minor physical disability due to hemorrage in the brain. Was this due to age? There''s no way to tell. I knew a 19-year-old who had her twins at 30 weeks too...

Right now I think I''d rather not have children before 28 (we want 3 or 4), but who knows, really?

 

[caligal]

I''m not sure what you all believe spiritually, but if you''ve read my other posts you''ll see it is from a Christian perspective. Regardless, if you have any belief in a higher being or fate- then I think all of this happens to us at different times for different reasons. My Mom and Dad were blessed with marriage at 18 and started having kids at 23- I believe this was God''s plan for their life. I''ve tried to do my own thing, make my own destiny- but darn it if it doesn''t work for me!

So- I''ve decided to go with the flow and trust all with work out as it should for me! Heck- I never thought I''d meet such a wonderful man- and now I''m in the final running for a dream job! I hope all of your dreams come true ladies!