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~*Alexis*~

~*Alexis*~

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
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I have been a lurker for the most part here just because I started a new full time job now and am working mandatory overtime. Over the last few months I have written about me and my boyfriends relationship. So far things had started to look up and whatnot in the beginning of June. Well things took a turn for the worse and it just wasnt going well. His dad ended up dying June 22nd. Over all he has handled it well up until now. He has started drinking more and more and has just prgressed worse. He doesnt like to talk about his issues at all and gets mad when I ask him if he wants to talk about it, of course he never does. Over the last week he has stayed at his friends house and drank 4 nights out of 7. and 2 of the days we were boating so I dont know what his issue is. i have tried being patient but it seems that things i do only make things worse. He didn''t call and tell me he wasn''t coming home he just didn''t come home (we live together). It just gets to a point where I can''t deal with him anymore.

To make matters worse a couple friends of ours (we introduced them) just got engaged this weekend. I am happy for them BUT they have only been together barely a year, they live in seperate states and they only see eachother everyother weekend. My boyfriend and I have been together for twice as long...am I being selfish or just overly emotional?
 
Neither. I understand that your bf is grieving, but it sounds like he needs to get some serious counseling on how to deal with his grief. The drinking is detrimental to his health, and also your relationship, based on what you've told us here.

As difficult as it is, you may have to put your foot down and have it out with him. Point out his drinking problem, and MAKE him see a therapist or at least talk to you about his feelings. I'm curious as to why he doesn't feel like he can talk to you about his issues. Has he always been like this? Or did it start after his father passed away?

Patience only goes so far, and his behavior is abominable. You need to get him some help quick before even thinking of getting married, because it may not be a good time to discuss this with him right now.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

ETA: I also wanted to mention that how he deals with the big life issues now may provide insight as to how he will deal with other issues that will crop up in the future. If he doesn't learn how to deal with stuff in a healthy manner right now, your relationship may suffer even further.
 
style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 212px">Date: 8/1/2006 11:27:26 PM
Author: Cinderella
Neither. I understand that your bf is grieving, but it sounds like he needs to get some serious counseling on how to deal with his grief. The drinking is detrimental to his health, and also your relationship, based on what you''ve told us here.

As difficult as it is, you may have to put your foot down and have it out with him. Point out his drinking problem, and MAKE him see a therapist or at least talk to you about his feelings. I''m curious as to why he doesn''t feel like he can talk to you about his issues. Has he always been like this? Or did it start after his father passed away?

Patience only goes so far, and his behavior is abominable. You need to get him some help quick before even thinking of getting married, because it may not be a good time to discuss this with him right now.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

ETA: I also wanted to mention that how he deals with the big life issues now may provide insight as to how he will deal with other issues that will crop up in the future. If he doesn''t learn how to deal with stuff in a healthy manner right now, your relationship may suffer even further.
Click to expand...
He has never really talked about his feelings. I have talked to him about it and he has told me to butt out. I gave him until friday to figure out what he is going to do. But well.....I didnt want to put our relationship in that area but I didnt know what else to do.....

Thanks Cinderella.....
 
If you really love him, you need to put the idea of an enagement on hold and focus on helping him to grieve and get help with his drinking. Can you talk to his mom/sibblings about your concerns?

ETA: If you choose to stick it out, please be careful not to lose yourself trying to help him. You should not be depressed and feel like you are losing your sanity.
 
Alexis, was "butt out" the actual words he used? I''m sorry, I don''t want to be negative here, but there are several red flags that are being raised my little mind here. A partner should not tell the person he loves to butt out of his life when she''s trying to show that she cares.
 
Oh Alexis I feel so sorry for your bf. I can only imagine what a tough time he must be going through loosing his father.

It worries me about his sudden drinking change. I know he is trying to cope, and he feels like alcohol is his source of freedom from the pain of it all. He should seek professional help, but most people in his situation don''t want to go that route. At least not right away. I think you need to continue doing your best to be there for him emotionally, and encourage him to talk to you about what''s bothering him.

About your friends who just engaged. I can totally understand that you are feeling a little jealous over the situation. Try not to compare your relationship and ya''lls status.

Keep us posted!! Hugs.
 
"He has never really talked about his feelings. I have talked to him about it and he has told me to butt out. I gave him until friday to figure out what he is going to do. But well.....I didnt want to put our relationship in that area but I didnt know what else to do....."

Just wrote a long post. PS ate it
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But basically, two main points:
-the "butt-out" comment shows he''s being pretty immature here. I know losing a father is an incredible loss and can be a shock to the system, but it''s been over a month, and I would expect him to be willing to include you in his thinking and grieving a bit more than this!
-the drinking is an escape mechanism (I''m guessing Lady Kemma will have more to say on this), and it sounds like it was pretty bad even before his father''s death, and now is to the point of some serious concern. His health and life are at risk. Is he driving after these nights out?

It''s just something to think about that he''s acting very immaturely about this (and before his loss). How will he handle other crises? Does he exclude you in other areas of his life? Is this REALLY okay with you?

Not trying to upset you, just wondering if you''re really, and truly happy in this relationship?

Aussiegirl : p
 
Alexis, you might consider going to an Alanon meeting or two. Alanon is for families and friends of people with drinking problems. It''s been very helpful to me.
 
Back when my parents were married, my mother went to some AlAnon meetings even though it was my father who was the drinker. They really were helpful for her and she managed to get ahold of the situation at least in her case. If your FF has drinking issues, I imagine going to some meetings may help you determine whether he has a significant problem in that area.

But I agree that he''s being unfair to you.
 
Alexis I''m so sorry to hear about your BF''s father. It must be hard for you to watch your BF suffer the way he is. Even though he is being immature and hurtful, please remember that the death of a parent isn''t something you get over in one month. Does that excuse the way BF has been treating you? Absolutely NOT. Even though he is resistant, try to get him into counseling. If he doesn''t go, you should try going to Alanon like the other PSers have suggested or seek private counseling on your own. People deal with grief in very different ways and your BF is choosing a very destructive route. But he needs you the most right now. Don''t be a victim, don''t lose yourself. You have to be strong and independent and sometimes show him tough love. I know I don''t know the full situation and I cannot say what is best for you and your situation. But these are the words I have to offer. Remember, he is in alot of pain. He needs to heal before your relationship can move to the next level in a healthy way. Good luck. We will always be here for you every step of the way.
 
Alexis~
I am so sorry. First of all, he actually told you to butt out? You''re talking about getting married and he told you to butt out of his life? Are you kidding me? How old are you???
Ok, I''m sorry. Your boyfriend is definitely self-medicating and that is not ok. This has alcoholism written all over it. It''s in my family, and many other PSers. If your bf won''t listen to you, go to his family. Is his mother within reach? Siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, anyone that can try to speak with him? Since you''re living together, you need to let him know exactly how you''re feeling. Do you feel safe? If you don''t, stay with family or a friend for a while. It might be a good idea anyway, since you''re reaching the point of not being able to deal with him anymore. He will undoubtedly refuse to admit he has a problem, but from what you''ve said it looks like a problem is definitely in the works here. Interventions don''t have to be dramatic where the person is dragged kicking and screaming to rehab, but I really hope (for both your sakes) that he takes a step back and looks at what''s happening here. If nothing else, Alanon will be helpful to you.
No, you''re not being selfish at all...but at this point I think we need to make sure your boyfriend is completely healthy before you progress into marriage. JMHO. Good luck sweetie, let us know if we can do anything to help!
 
Alexis - I am so sorry to hear about your pain - it''s so sad. HUGS!
In the past 4 years I have had many tragedies I have lost family members and very dear friends and it is in difficult times like this that I have truly learned who I can depend on as friends and life partners. The loss of a parent is horrible and everyone reflect their pain in a different way but I think that generally most people show their true character in times of despair.

You have to ask yourself (like I did 4 years ago) will my boyfriend be there for me when I loose my own father/friend or sister? - You know the answer - don''t sugar coat your future. In my case the answer was NO...It was difficult to leave my boyfriend/best friend of 6 years at the time but I wanted someone that I can depend on just like I was there for him in HIS time of need.

I was actual very surprised to learn that he was cheating on my while he was morning the loss of his sister, while I was trying so desperately to work on his feelings and our relationship. I know that my situation has nothing to do with you and I’m not saying that his cheating on you but I just wanted to share my story so that you don''t feel alone or guilty for thinking about your future during this time.

It''s now 4 years later and I have a wonderful new kind boyfriend, not only did he help me handle the loss of my ex boyfriend''s sister but he''s helped me to enjoy life again . I don’t have to watch the door or phone – it a wonderful feeling not to worry about my relationship. All I''m saying is don''t loose yourself because you have an incredibly big heart. You deserve to be loved and you deserve to be with someone that will stand by you.

Only YOU will know the answer to your situation. I hope that your boyfriend will reach out to you and that things will work out for you. Give yourself time to think about all this. Don’t do anything drastically but listen to your heart. Just remember, when you are mentally strong YOU will be a better friend and partner.

HUGE HUGS! I’m also so sorry to hear about you loss – I’m sure that you also adored his father. Give yourself time to morn his loss as well.
 
the nice people at Al Anon will tell you what to do.
 
(((HUGS)))

My ff lost his father a little earlier in our relationship (<1 yr). It was hard and it set us back. I couldn''t understand why he didn''t want my comfort or sometimes even my presence.
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We also very closely in time lost a dear (very young) friend. I learned from his comments regarding how that family mourned that his family just never dealt with things that way. It all came out usually with alcohol months later, the emotion. I really don''t have any advice other than this next year will be a tough one...and alcohol doesn''t help the situation. I know that for sure. I wouldn''t expect that this would be a good time for him to make life decisions about the future.
 
I don''t have much to contribute after all that''s been said, but I wanted to offer my sympathies and my support. Take care of yourself... And lots of hugs!
 
OK so here is the update.....
I finally told him that WE needed to go to counseling. His response? if WE cant do it on OUR own then its not worth it." He also said "couseling is for the weak." Nice right? So now at this point I dunno. He agreed to stop his drinking and to tone it down. Which is good....but it still doesnt solve our problems. So i dunno....if I didnt have anywhere to vent but I would go insane..thanks for all the kind words. Means a lot to me.

Overall I think we might just take a break. But my fear is that once that happens do you really get to go back?? We were going to get engaged 4th of July weekend. But that never happened. ( totally understood that) But now he says he is not sure it will even happen in the next 2 years. So it seems like we are just taking steps backwards and not forward. Its frustrating because he will spend his money on a new intake for his car but he cant save for something as important as a ring. He was like I have $2,000 in my account so dont worry about it. Well the other day he was telling his mom that the bank had charged him 3 NSF fees because they took out to much money. So it just gets more and mroe frustrating and to make it worse we have a wedding on Saturday...great timeing huh??

I am about to loose my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS yes he told me to butt out...#$** off and much more...isnt that great??
 
oh gawd, he's in deep. unfortunately he has a long dismal mulitiple year decline to hit bottom. the question is do you want to be dragged down too? you are at a jumping off place for this sinking titanic before you get sucked down too.

now, what does this mean for you? it's ok to love them but YOU need get to an alanon meeting. AlAnon will teach you what to do and what not to do.

when my husband was a mess, under the advice and counsel of alnon people -- i said I require you to go to X number of 12 step meetings a week and therapy once weekly or I will file for divorce. And they got me to a place where I meant what I said. he went.

Don't make threats you don't intend to carry out.

and don't leave unless you mean it. you can decide to stay one day at a time until your way becomes clear. your higher power may want you to stay, at least for this week.

edited to add: (putting on AlAnon sponsor hat) Do not get into a car with him.take separate cars until he regains trust. I advise my newbies to pack a suitcase and put it in the car, with some cash and a credit card. hide a key outside in case he gets between you and your purse. have a predesignated place to go. things will get worse before they get better.

edited to add more (super ninja alanon sponsor hat) your assignment for thursday is to go to a noon or evening al anon meeting. report back here with three interesting or useful things you heard at the meeting and pick up a meeting schedule.
 
Date: 8/2/2006 9:30:01 PM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
OK so here is the update.....
I finally told him that WE needed to go to counseling. His response? if WE cant do it on OUR own then its not worth it.'' He also said ''couseling is for the weak.'' Nice right? So now at this point I dunno. He agreed to stop his drinking and to tone it down. Which is good....but it still doesnt solve our problems. So i dunno....if I didnt have anywhere to vent but I would go insane..thanks for all the kind words. Means a lot to me.

Overall I think we might just take a break. But my fear is that once that happens do you really get to go back?? We were going to get engaged 4th of July weekend. But that never happened. ( totally understood that) But now he says he is not sure it will even happen in the next 2 years. So it seems like we are just taking steps backwards and not forward. Its frustrating because he will spend his money on a new intake for his car but he cant save for something as important as a ring. He was like I have $2,000 in my account so dont worry about it. Well the other day he was telling his mom that the bank had charged him 3 NSF fees because they took out to much money. So it just gets more and mroe frustrating and to make it worse we have a wedding on Saturday...great timeing huh??

I am about to loose my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS yes he told me to butt out...#$** off and much more...isnt that great??
Click to expand...
Ditto to LK''s suggestions. That being said...

Counseling isn''t for the weak, it''s for those big enough to admit there''s an issue that needs to be addressed. I''m afraid to think that this kind of reaction is a form of denial. Denial is most often the first sign of an addiction/misuse of a substance...you know the rest.

As for the break, is this the type of situation you want to go back to sweetie? I know you love your boyfriend and it can be very hard dealing with a situation like this (my family has) and there''s only so much you can do.

Here''s the part where it''s wise to consider your options. Unfortunately, most often it takes someone hitting absolute ROCK BOTTOM before they agree to get help. Stay strong, and it is a good idea to have a safe place in case things get out of hand. Please take care of yourself first. You can offer all the help in the world but the bottom line is if your boyfriend isn''t ready to admit the problem and receive help, it won''t do any good. I really hope he follows up with his end of the bargain to lay off the alcohol, for both your sakes. On a side note...I admire your patience. I don''t think I would tolerate a friend or my bf telling me to butt out or f--- off. I really hope the grief is speaking in that tone, but it certainly doesn''t make it alright. Please stay strong, stay safe, and let us know how you''re doing!
 
I lost my dad to cancer so I know what that pain is like. If they were close, this would be so tough. However, there are some things that concern me. One, drinking is clearly not going to solve the problem and will only make things worse and add another iron to the fire. He is self medicating, which for now helps numb his pain in the short run and I understand WHY he is doing it, but the price is very high in the long run. I also think this is when he NEEDS YOU MOST, and telling you to butt out and simply not coming home, when you live together, is so inconsiderate and hurtful, imho. Even if he said he would rather not discuss it now, you are owed the courtesy of knowing he is not going to be home. I would worry, with his drinking, that he might be hurt...it is just common decency to explain your whereabouts to your s.o. when you live together. I think he needs grief counseling. Hang in there if you love him and think you both can pull through this to be stronger on the other side...good luck, but do not be his whipping boy either or allow yourself to be hurt in the process of helping him...as someone else already posted.
 
In May 2006 you wrote:

OK well I have been here a while and I was hoping the situation would get better between my boyfriend and and I would not have to post here to get another prospective, buy sadly it has come to that point.
OK here goes:
Matt and I have been together for over a year and I moved in with him in August. His mom and dad own the house we live in and I pay rent. He has 5 cars and I have one. I am not allowed to park in the driveway and not in the garage. It is "his" garage. I am not allowed to make an decorating choices either. He never likes going out, he will be 23 in July. I am 21, graduatiing college next friday. I have worked my butt of to get to where I am. I work part time (VERY part time) I never have enough money to do anything because my work cut my hours. I cant find a full tine job where I am and the job market here is crap. We have been fighting alot lately about money and how we never do anything. So I started donating plasma here for an extra $50 a week so I could have some money, well then gas prices went up and I now I have no moneuy, I am even selling mu boldil fluids to get more money, The thing is my boyfriend is from a spoiled family and he gets everything he wants. He is very materialistic. I just feel like sometimes he never realizes that I work very hard at school. I got some great news the other day, so I came home got some wine ready and was waiting for him when he came home, he walked in the house, looked at me and said "whats all this crap for" Great huh? Well I let him change, and got him settled and then I told him I had great news, he was signing on the computer and I said "I got it" He had got what, i said Commencement speaker. he said "thats great hunny" He never looked at me, never said a word. That pissed me off. I mean it is a huge thing!! He never even acted happy for me. I am just frustrated. I dont know what to do, and we were going to get engaged this summer and now it is not going to happen. No wait it gets worse. We found out this week that his dad has liver cancer. They have given him 6 months to live. His mom told us today that she is selling our house when he dies, well I have no money no decent job, and I can hardly pay the rent that I have now. My parents live in another city so I cant move home. With all of these problems, I dont know what to do. The issues seem to be mounting and I love him to death but he refuses to go to a counselor to try and save our relationship. He says he wants to marry me but sometime I wonder if it is true. i never know where we are heading. at this point am i being selfish? Can enyone shed some light to the situation???

Alexis - your situation is BAD... Look at the big, overall, scary, picture. you have put yourself in a situation.
 
grrr I wrote something really long...Ps ate it...again...

ummm.....I forgot what I wrote...

Kemma- I went to the site and they do not have meetings in my area, so I signed up for info for the web based ones. So at least I can get some help....you live anywhere near Wisconsin?? :)

oh yeah another thing, I do have a place to stay if things get bad, so at least I have that. He doesn't drink and drive which is where the him not coming home thing comes into play.

Well off to bed I have be up at 445 am..thanks for all the posts...you guys rock!
Love you all, nite nite...

kemma- I forgot that I even posted that..wow, I have put up with alot of crap.... LOL

edited to add----oh yeah and I cant type either..... :)
 
Date: 8/2/2006 10:56:42 PM
Author: ladykemma
In May 2006 you wrote:


OK well I have been here a while and I was hoping the situation would get better between my boyfriend and and I would not have to post here to get another prospective, buy sadly it has come to that point.

OK here goes:

Matt and I have been together for over a year and I moved in with him in August. His mom and dad own the house we live in and I pay rent. He has 5 cars and I have one. I am not allowed to park in the driveway and not in the garage. It is ''his'' garage. I am not allowed to make an decorating choices either. He never likes going out, he will be 23 in July. I am 21, graduatiing college next friday. I have worked my butt of to get to where I am. I work part time (VERY part time) I never have enough money to do anything because my work cut my hours. I cant find a full tine job where I am and the job market here is crap. We have been fighting alot lately about money and how we never do anything. So I started donating plasma here for an extra $50 a week so I could have some money, well then gas prices went up and I now I have no moneuy, I am even selling mu boldil fluids to get more money, The thing is my boyfriend is from a spoiled family and he gets everything he wants. He is very materialistic. I just feel like sometimes he never realizes that I work very hard at school. I got some great news the other day, so I came home got some wine ready and was waiting for him when he came home, he walked in the house, looked at me and said ''whats all this crap for'' Great huh? Well I let him change, and got him settled and then I told him I had great news, he was signing on the computer and I said ''I got it'' He had got what, i said Commencement speaker. he said ''thats great hunny'' He never looked at me, never said a word. That pissed me off. I mean it is a huge thing!! He never even acted happy for me. I am just frustrated. I dont know what to do, and we were going to get engaged this summer and now it is not going to happen. No wait it gets worse. We found out this week that his dad has liver cancer. They have given him 6 months to live. His mom told us today that she is selling our house when he dies, well I have no money no decent job, and I can hardly pay the rent that I have now. My parents live in another city so I cant move home. With all of these problems, I dont know what to do. The issues seem to be mounting and I love him to death but he refuses to go to a counselor to try and save our relationship. He says he wants to marry me but sometime I wonder if it is true. i never know where we are heading. at this point am i being selfish? Can enyone shed some light to the situation???


Alexis - your situation is BAD... Look at the big, overall, scary, picture. you have put yourself in a situation.
Click to expand...


Oh my god-- that was you?!

Alexis, this has been bad news for a long time. There were red flags before his father''s death, and now that it has come about, the chance that he might turn over a new leaf in response to the trauma has not materialized.

Fisher, on another thread, posted a question about a guy being ''excited to spend the rest of his life with [the girl]''. With great compassion and feeling for you, I would pose the same question to you.

Has he consistently shown by his actions that he thinks of you before himself or his family?
 
Oh my gosh I can''t believe I didn''t do a search! I remember your post Alexis, and I remember posting my concerns about what you described. Well, since that post, and the one a few days later where you said things had gotten better and you were starting over...I''m seeing a cycle here babe, only this time it''s worse. You''re doing nothing but giving everything...to an extreme...and getting nothing in return. (Selling your plasma because your wealthy spoiled boyfriend won''t help you out with gas money?) I don''t want to be the bad guy, but I think you need to get out. I hope you''re sleeping well and let us know how you''re feeling tomorrow!

P.S. The secret to solving PS eating your posts is this: any time you type something beyond a few sentences, before you submit the post highlight and copy everything. That way, when it doesn''t go through, all you have to do is paste your reply and try again! I''ve had to do this a few times, and I''m glad I did!
 
Alexis -- I'm so glad that you checked for nearby Alanon meetings. Congratulations!

Since there are no Alanon meetings near you, you might check for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meetings. Trust me, they'll welcome you even if there was no alcoholism in your family. You'll learn to differentiate between good and bad relationships, to take care of yourself, to love yourself... Go even you if leave the BF, to help you get to a point where you'll no longer accept being in a relationship with an abusive or indifferent BF. Good luck!

http://www.adultchildren.org/

BTW, *many* years ago, after my second relationship with someone with a drug or alcohol problem, I swore I would never do that again. So I had my guard up when I met my third alcoholic... and fell hard for him anyhow. Of course I didn't think of him as having a real alcohol problem at the time. That came later, after he broke up with me, and other circumstances forced him into treatment. That's when I finally found Alanon. My point is that dealing with the BF is only part of the solution. The other part is to learn more about you so you won't find yourself in a similar relationship in the future.
 
there are al anon meetings in wisconsin. did you speak to a human being on the phone? the website lists maybe 0.1% of the meetings. call a local pastor or priest - chances are there are meetings right in a neighboring church. Call every church in town, Call local Alcoholics Anonymous.

(buzzer noise) eeeerrrrrnnnnhhhh! Sorry! I don't buy it! try again!

wisconsin has an intergroup, so there are hundreds of meetings available
http://www.area61afg.org/Meetings.html
 
minims - I loved Adult Children of Alcoholics! it helped see patterns that i kept repeating. I think that ACA helped deal with the wounded kid, and Al Anon helped deal with the Here and Now Adult.
 
Alexis - I highly recommend you moving out! I recently (as in last weekend) moved out of the home I shared with my boyfriend, and I believe it''s the best decision I''ve ever made. I did take me a few months to come to the decision because no matter how horribly he treated me, I didn''t want to admit to myself that he was not right for me. I was in denial. I kept telling myself that "I loved him"....but one day I came to the realization that NO ONE should be treated like a doormat. I just got fed up, I was so sick over the relationship, and I just don''t want to live my life like that. You really need to think about yourself right now and whether this is the life you want (and it doesn''t sound like it). It will be tough, but you will feel so much better when you do not have to deal with someone who treats you this way.

I also can attest to the ''counseling is for the weak'' attitude. I also tried to get my ex-boyfriend to go to counseling, but the best he could do was "well if you need it, I''ll go to support you".......unbelievable. Well I did go (and still am), but by myself. And it has really opened my eyes (and I''m sure has given me the strength to get out of the relationship). I still believe my ex needs counseling, but that would require him to admit he has "issues"...and well, that will probably never happen. Another reason, I am glad I got out! Please stay strong, and let us know if you need anything.
 
I think it is good that you are considering a break from all this. Don't be afraid to move on if you are running into brick walls. Even if this guy DID want to marry you tomorrow, do you think that being married to him will change his treatment of you or of himself? If you think a break is in order, then go for it--even if it means facing the possibillity that you will never get back together. It is better to be independent and on your own than to be in the wrong relationship. And it is VERY hard to see past a relationship, but I promise that life can be wonderful even after the relationship you have worked for and held on to for so long is over.
 
Hi Alexis -


I NEVER post on PS; I''m usually just an avid lurker. However, reading your post made me want to reply. I understand exactly what you''re going through. My family is wading through a lot of the same issues with my father''s drinking. It''s a sad state - for my mother especially. She''s stayed with my father through DUI''s, suicide attempts, and nights in jail. She''s just now realizing how dire the situation is, which is prompting her to contemplate leaving him (finally.) Her only regret is, I think, not leaving him sooner, due to the toll it took on me and my sister as we were growing up. Its unbelievable how much drinking affects everyone in the relationship - including children.

The reason I''m writing all this is to suggest what your situation CAN turn into, especially if you marry him. I agree with everyone else''s suggestion that you go to an Alanon meeting. I know at first when people suggested I go to one, I brushed them off and thought "yeah yeah later...as soon as I get my dad''s drinking under control." The point of alanon, however, is to understand that you have no control over your bf''s drinking, and that the only think you can change is your reactions in response to him. It''s really very helpful, especially if you feel you''re drowning in the situation at hand. Before you do anything - about the engagement, about him, about the future - go to a meeting.

You also might look at a couple of books. "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud is a good one, as is "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie. (I know, the titles are cheesy, but they''re religiously oriented if that''s your thing, and they are very helpful). Here are the links to them:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0894864025/sr=1-1/qid=1154619666/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-3790220-0275023?ie=UTF8&s=books

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0310247454/sr=8-1/qid=1154619607/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-3790220-0275023?ie=UTF8

Good luck with everything.

- NDpyndint
 
Date: 8/3/2006 1:06:26 AM
Author: IrishAngel
P.S. The secret to solving PS eating your posts is this: any time you type something beyond a few sentences, before you submit the post highlight and copy everything. That way, when it doesn''t go through, all you have to do is paste your reply and try again! I''ve had to do this a few times, and I''m glad I did!
Click to expand...
Absolutely! I started doing this on long posts I wouldn''t want to have to retype. I don''t do it for the short ones...but when those get eaten up, it''s not sooooooo bad.
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