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Giving/Lending Money Question...

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littlelysser

littlelysser

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Okay. Follow me here. My former secretary at the firm where I used work was fired a while back. We''ve kept in touch and remain friends. She''s a single mom with a teenage girl. She''s having a tough time with money and she needs a computer. SHe has one right now, but it isn''t working. We are going to try to fix it tonight...(by we, I mean my FI)...but if that doesn''t work, I''d like to buy her one. They are relatively inexpensive these days...and really, my FI and I will blow that amount in a weekend at costco without a second thought.

She hasn''t asked or even intimated that she''d like us to loan her the money for one, and frankly, I''d rather just give her a computer.

I guess what I want know is if you all think it is a good idea...I certainly don''t want to make her feel all weird if we bought her a computer.

My FI and I are certainly not wealthy, but we are comfortable enough that we wouldn''t miss the money.

Thoughts?
 
I am all for helping people out. In fact sometimes I do it too much and it comes back to bite me. I don't see a problem with that if you don't mind never getting the money back. That is the question I always ask myself before I give money. Not just financially but emotionally. What if she does do well, will you resent her for not paying you back? I would actaully buy her the item instead of giving her money and talk to her about it before actually doing that.

Then I think about if that person will want more from me in the future ( learned that from past exeperiences). Then I am happy to give after I answered all those questions.

I don't see a problem if you answer all those questions and feel good and your FI feels good to. It is nice to be a giving person; I always feel better for it when I can help
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You sound like a good person.
 
I think that''s really, really sweet of you. The biggest problem, I think, is that she might feel uncomfortable accepting such an extravagant gift. Depending on how she feels, you could just tell her what you''re saying here, that you and your fi probably blow the same amount in a weekend at costco (although that could backfire and make her feel MORE uncomfortable). Or you could use the pretense of it being an early/late b-day or xmas present - you''re just giving it to her now because you can see that she needs it now. There''s always the classic "I know you''d do the same for me".

I''ve done similar things before, and have used such excuses with success and very little "weirdness".
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Hope that helps!
 
I think that is very thoughtful of you to want to help her. I would approach it by saying that you always appreciated all the work she did for you when she was your secretary and would love to express that by buying her a new computer. You can add that you are now in a position to do that and it would make you happy to give back to her.
 
Skippygirl - Honestly, I''d prefer it be a gift. We definitely wouldn''t want the money back - if she won the lotto or something, well, then maybe...
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But really, it is a pretty insignificant amount of money to us...and she is struggling right now...and it would really help her out.

Aloros - thanks for the advice. I like the "you''d do the same for me" idea...because I really do believe she would...we are just lucky enough that we have the ability to do this stuff.

The other thing I was contemplating doing is telling her we''ll loan her the money for a computer, but never really ask for her to repay it? maybe?

It is weird...but follow me here...I like to be generous for selfish reasons. It makes me happy to give a friend a nice gift...I get all warm and fuzzy from seeing that person happy...so yeah...it is selfish.
 
give it as a gift.
 
i think it is a great idea except if i were your friend i would feel it was too much. since i think it is great to help her couldn''t you or your guy just happen to want to upgrade and give her your computer? i think it would be easier for her to accept it if she thought you were giving her your "old" computer instead of buying her a new one.

you know this person and i don''t so if you think she would not be bothered by buying her a new one that is great. thanks for being nice!
 
Thanks for the responses!

I appreciate them a lot.

Crown - We thought about that...but my FI works for as a computer scientist at a university...all of his computers are university property. We *just* bought my laptop a few weeks ago, and she wants a desktop anyway...And the only other computer we have is one I got when I went to law school 9 years ago.

Hopefully this will be a moot point...if FI can get her computer working again, we should be alright...if not, we''ll probably get her one and figure out some way to give it to her.
 
I think this is a lovely idea and that you should do it. It is such an honour to be able to help those we love. It''s all in how you present it to her.

If you phrase it as ''sharing'' instead of ''giving'' that might help. You ''share'' with friend you ''give'' to charity. See?

e.g.: "We were unexpectedly flush this month and realized that nothing could make us happier than to share our good fortune with the people we love. Sharing with such dear, good friends is one of the greatest pleasures in life."

Just putting myself in her shoes, I would NOT cast is as a loan and then never ask her to pay you back because then every time she sees you, she''ll feel guilty that she hasn''t paid you back! That could damage the friendship! She might end up avoiding you or something.

Another idea: Can you have it shipped to her place? That way she doesn''t feel embarassed in front of you when it arrives / not know what to say, etc.
 
Ooh! Phrasing it as sharing is a really great idea.

You learn new things every day!
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Very good call on the not calling it a loan...I''d hate to mess up the friendship...especially when I definitely do NOT want the money back!

I like the sharing idea!

Ya''ll rock!
 
If you honestly don''t care if you get the money back, then I definately wouldn''t say it''s a loan and just never collect. If someone told me that I think it would stress me out more because I would worry about letting my friend down, so I would work extra hard to pay her back early, etc. And if I wanted a loan I would put it on a credit card or go to a bank.

From what you said you actually want it to be a present. I like the sharing idea. Also you could say it''s for her daughter too, since she will likely need if for school. And that she would do the same for you, and what are friends for type of thing. I think it''s sooooo sweet of you to help her out. Plus you can also say, "this way we can also send pictures and e-mails for fun" rather than just chat on the phone or something.

Good Luck~

Again, that is sooooo sweet of you!
 
I think the idea of "sharing" is a great one. As long as it is given as a gift, I think it is very generous. I think you can also try the "you were so wonderful to me for all these years and I would love to give back to you and have never had a proper chance to".

Go for it!
 
humm...I think I would tend to *give* her a used one. It''s not really about the money - but the dignity. I''m thinking in that situation one could tell her "it was just going to be discarded". Or buy a cheap new one & make it seem like it''s outdated.

It''s a really nice thing to do. But, can be a bit tricky as a receiver. Like others, I agree definitely don''t tell her it''s a loan. I''m with Sparkles22 - a loan would loom over my head w/ guilt. It just doesn''t sound like she can afford it even w/ a loan.

Anything she can barter?
 
Yeah...the whole loan idea was just so she wouldn''t feel like it was charity or whatever...because I really don''t want to make her feel that way at all. I hadn''t thought that she might feel badly if she couldn''t repay it, even thought we didn''t ever expect to be repayed. damn. This is a bit sticky.

I know she can''t afford one on her own. And I don''t want her to give us anything or barter anything for it...really...I just want to get her a cheap, decent computer...with no strings attached...

But I don''t want her to feel weird or pitied or anything like that.

blah. Hmmm. I''ll keep thinking on this one!
 
i worry the friend will be embarassed and this will affect the friendship. i would find a way to make it not look like i was buying her a computer. i am sure you can think of some way to come up with an extra computer or go through a third party who would supply the computer from an anonymous benefactor.

i know i could never accept such a gift from a friend and i would not want a friend to know it came from me as i would not want her to feel beholding. maybe this is strange on my part but i like to do my good deeds in secret. it seems to work out best for me and it should not diminish your good feeling for helping out.
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Why don''t you just buy a new one that is ugly (so it looks older) and tell her that it was an extra that you replaced with your new laptop? Just tell her it would give you great pleasure if it could be put to good use because otherwise it will sit around collecting dust.
 
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be"...

I''d give it as a gift, because expecting to get the money back might strain your friendship. You are very sweet to try to help out.
 
People are just funny about money. I remember a relative wanted us to co-sign a loan. Well, this is a relative that has a bad track record w/ loans. We didn''t want to co-sign only to learn when the loan was in default after the fact - which goes against OUR credit. We offered them the money. They refused huffily. After that, we gave the money to the relative anonomously through another relative (they had no problem taking it from *that* relative) .

I *know* you don''t want anything. It''s a really nice heartfelt gesture. The barter or finding a second hand thing may let her feel better about it.
 
if your worried about it buy yourself a new puter and giver her the old one.
That way you can say hey i got a new one here is the old one for you enjoy!
 
Date: 4/27/2007 3:41:31 PM
Author: neatfreak
Why don''t you just buy a new one that is ugly (so it looks older) and tell her that it was an extra that you replaced with your new laptop? Just tell her it would give you great pleasure if it could be put to good use because otherwise it will sit around collecting dust.
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I was just about to suggest this. Get her a new one (or a used one from craigslist or something if it''s easier) and just tell her that it''s extra, it just sits around and you''d love for her to have it. If she is balky, just say if she feels better she can ''borrow'' it but that you don''t expect it back. She might feel better about the ''gift'' then.
 
Well, I would feel kind of weird lying to her. And we are close enough friends that we''ve already discussed the computers we have that we could give her and came up empty handed.

I just spoke with her and I think we are going to buy a computer tonight...she says she wants to pay us back for it once she gets another job...I don''t think she''d accept us just giving her one...

We''ll talk more about it tonight...I REALLY don''t care about getting the money back...I just don''t want her to feel weird about paying it back.
 
Sorry, I misunderstood from the name "Giving/Lending Money Question."

That is very sweet of you; I am glad she is excited!!!
 
Date: 4/27/2007 6:27:49 PM
Author: littlelysser
Well, I would feel kind of weird lying to her. And we are close enough friends that we''ve already discussed the computers we have that we could give her and came up empty handed.


I just spoke with her and I think we are going to buy a computer tonight...she says she wants to pay us back for it once she gets another job...I don''t think she''d accept us just giving her one...


We''ll talk more about it tonight...I REALLY don''t care about getting the money back...I just don''t want her to feel weird about paying it back.
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That sounds very nice, but I would INSIST to her that she not pay you back in cash. Otherwise there might be a weirdness on her side if she is unable to pay you back soon. Maybe just say that someday she can repay the FAVOR instead? Sticky situation...
 
Make it a gift and be up front with it. Don''t make her stress about her paying you back. You can easily say it''s a thank you for all the hard work she did while she worked for you.

I think she''ll be thrilled and appreciative.
 
It is very kind of you to help out your former secretary.

We''ve been in similar situations before: the graduate student daughter of a friend needed a laptop computer -- we "loaned" her one, without expecting it ever to be returned; by the time she was done with it, technology had moved on. My daughter''s kindergarten teacher''s family computer blew up and I inadvertently heard about it, we had a 2-year old computer system that DH upgraded and it was happily accepted. When we''ve "lent" money to people who work with DH''s group because they were in temporary dire straits, it was always with the understanding (on our part) that we don''t expect to see the money back.

I completely agree that if you wish to help her out, it''s best to do so without the expectation of repayment. I''m sure that when she did work for you before, there were times when she went above the call of duty. I''ve had a couple of legal secretaries like that and they were worth their weight in gold. No doubt that is why you and she have a friendship. Tell her that your gift is given because you appreciated all her good work and because of your friendship. You know that she needs a computer and, like a washing machine, it''s hardly optional today.

If you are truly uncomfortable with the extravagance of a new computer, I agree with those who''ve recommended that you upgrade to a new one and donate to her your present equipment.
 
I agree with those who said to give it as a gift. I''d send her card that says how much you value your friendship and that you do not want to be repaid. Tell her there may be a favor you need from her someday. I think it is a lovely thing to do.
 
Well, we went last night and bought her the computer. She insisted on it being a loan and I told her that was fine...Honestly, I''d prefer it was a gift, but she really wasn''t comfortable with that...she suggested an amount per month she could afford and I said that was fine...but I tried to make it really clear that I didn''t want there to be any weirdness between us if she was a bit short and didn''t feel like she couldn''t pay us one month or whatever...

Hopefully everything will work out...

Thanks for all your advice!
 
If you feel moved to give a gift that is great. Maybe say it is for her daughter, sometimes people will take things if their kids are the beneficiary, whereas they might feel funny taking for themselves. Giving an actual item versus cash also makes it more gift like and maybe a bit less awkward.

To me, neither a borrower nor a lender be, but I amend that to never lend money, just GIVE it as a gift. Of course, this is only if you can do so without too much trouble to yourself financially. The reason to just give it is you are not then waiting for it to be given back and facing discomfort in the relationship. If you do get it back, it is a bonus, but if not, then having given it as a gift without any expectations, you remove that strain of being owed money from the relationship.
 
I''d go ahead and do it. If you''re worried that she''ll feel too bad about it, then you could imply that it was an extra or hand-me-down computer. I wouldn''t make up an elaborate story, just say, we have an extra computer now that FI got one from work or something like that.

She might see through your story, but it would only make her smile to know you did that for her, and since you''re not saying, "Since you are so poor, I ran out and bought you a charity computer" then awkwardness would be avoided.
 
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