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Got any jokes?
- Thread starter kenny
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Husband: Alexa, I'm really horny now.
Alexa : Okay, I am dimming the lights and setting AC to 70 degrees.
The Viagra is on the top right shelf of your wardrobe.
I have hired your favorite masseuse.
She is 12 minutes away per her Uber ride status.
I have scheduled her payment from your credit card for 2 hours from now.
I have checked your wife's GPS; she is at her sister's and they are shopping on Amazon.
According to her buying checklist stored on the cloud, that should take at least 2 hours.
According to Google Maps traffic analysis, it will take more than 1 hour for her to reach home.
A condom is in the pull out drawer of the living room and the key to that drawer is in the front left pocket of your navy blue slacks.
That is the last condom, so I added more to your Amazon cart....
MEANWHILE......
Wife: Alexa, have you finished setting all this up like we planned?
Alexa: Yes, he thinks you are going to be gone for three hours, but if you take an Uber now, you'll be home in 45 minutes.
I'm recording the whole thing with four cameras, you just need to walk in, make a scene, and we'll nail the bastard.
I've got your divorce papers ready.
Your attorney is briefed.
Case documents are drafted and will be completed and filed tomorrow, $2,000,000 in damages plus $20,000 monthly alimony.
Your Uber is waiting outside.
(After all, Alexa is female)
Alexa : Okay, I am dimming the lights and setting AC to 70 degrees.
The Viagra is on the top right shelf of your wardrobe.
I have hired your favorite masseuse.
She is 12 minutes away per her Uber ride status.
I have scheduled her payment from your credit card for 2 hours from now.
I have checked your wife's GPS; she is at her sister's and they are shopping on Amazon.
According to her buying checklist stored on the cloud, that should take at least 2 hours.
According to Google Maps traffic analysis, it will take more than 1 hour for her to reach home.
A condom is in the pull out drawer of the living room and the key to that drawer is in the front left pocket of your navy blue slacks.
That is the last condom, so I added more to your Amazon cart....
MEANWHILE......
Wife: Alexa, have you finished setting all this up like we planned?
Alexa: Yes, he thinks you are going to be gone for three hours, but if you take an Uber now, you'll be home in 45 minutes.
I'm recording the whole thing with four cameras, you just need to walk in, make a scene, and we'll nail the bastard.
I've got your divorce papers ready.
Your attorney is briefed.
Case documents are drafted and will be completed and filed tomorrow, $2,000,000 in damages plus $20,000 monthly alimony.
Your Uber is waiting outside.
(After all, Alexa is female)
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Girlfriday17
Shiny_Rock
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It snowed here this morning so I sent this to my husband at work. He loved it. Thanks for the laugh.
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oh jeez, Kenny I didn't even think of that. I don't mean to offend anyone I just found it funny
To our British peeps, I apologize if I offended any one , certainly not my intention.
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Oh, I wouldn't worry.
Not at all, or should I say not at Ouwal, my Deah.
I mean, you didn't mention trifles like royal toe sucking, socializing in Nazi uniforms just for yucks, serious toilet bowl hats, or three people being in their next king's marriage.
Just the facts, Ma'am.
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Garnetgirl
Ideal_Rock
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It took me a while to figure out the humor of this one.
LOL
Ha! Ha! I loved this.
Canadian here: I understood it immediately. So did my husband when I showed it to him.
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“
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost
control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road
when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who
asked, "Are you okay"?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with
cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the
car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage
that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like
me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have
any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken
and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a
couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I
feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so
I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't
know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess."
“
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost
control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road
when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who
asked, "Are you okay"?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with
cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the
car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage
that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like
me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have
any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken
and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a
couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I
feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so
I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't
know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess."
“
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