Got my dress--before my ring! And a question

[rubybeth]

I''m kind of crazy, but I just wanted to share that even though my now-fiancé and I have no idea exactly when/where/how/with whom present we are tying the knot, I already have my dress!

When the J.Crew Goddess Long Dress which I''d liked since I first saw it in the catalog went on sale, my boyfriend said, "You know I have the ring, you might as well order it!" so I did. I got it last Thursday, tried it on, loved it, and decided I probably don''t need to do anymore dress shopping, especially for the price. Only a couple close friends know I''ve got it, not even my mom

but I''ll tell her soon enough.

Boyfriend proposed the next day, so we''re sort of in planning limbo, have no idea what''s actually possible yet. How do we go about asking for a budget from my parents? My mom has tossed out a number before, but I''m not sure if that was for real, or what my parents expectations are for who would be invited (big families on both sides).

Do we say we have some wedding-related questions, sit down with them, and then explain what we''ve envisioned? What have others done about this? Both S and I are full-time students (me for grad school, him for a second bachelors in order to teach) so we really need our savings for when we move out and possibly move away for jobs within a year and a half. I think we could have the elopement we''ve imagined quite easily, but we''d definitely need parental assistance for any kind of wedding reception. I don''t really like being dependent on them for this, and part of me really just wants to avoid it altogether, but that''s not very mature.

Thoughts?

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Wow I kind of did the same thing, haha. Makes me feel a little better, yaay! Anyway, to your budget question: I definitely think you should sit down with them and ask them if they''ve thought about what their plans/expectations are for the wedding, and if they have what their expectations/plans are. Then tell them what your expectations/plans are as well. I don''t think depending on them is necessarily a bad thing as long as you''re willing to work within their budget. But either way, you''re going to have to talk to them sooner or later, but you know that.

 

[FrekeChild]

Ahem....I think some pictures are in order!!

 

[bee*]

Definitely need pictures of the dress!

I''m in grad school too but I work part time so D and I are paying for our own wedding. My parents and his parents came to us individually and said that they''d like to give us a small bit towards the wedding which was extremely generous of them. If I was going to them though, I would just ask them are they planning to contribute anything towards it and see what they say. I would probably go to my parents though and let him go to his.

 

[zoebartlett]

Hi Rubybeth,

Congratulations again! I''d love to see pics of your dress. As far as what to say to your parents, I agree with Bee. I think it might be good for you and your FI to talk with your own parents separately about finances. Some families are very private when it comes to what they can or can''t contribute and it might easy any awkwardness if you talk to your own parents.

I can''t really remember how we did it. My parents have always talked about paying for the majority of of our wedding, so I knew that before we dove into planning. I think my FI''s parents asked something like, "how much do you think you''ll need? Will X be enough?" My FI said yes very graciously. We are also paying for many of the costs ourselves. At first, we were thinking it might equal out to be a third, a third, and a third but it hasn''t. We''re all chipping in at the level we feel most comfortable with and it''s working well so far.

 

[enbcfsobe]

Everyone has given really sound advice. I think it is important to let them know your options (elopement/immediate family-only vs larger reception) and where you stand on what you think your savings should be going towards. I would initially talk to your parents individually (you with yours and FI with his). If your parents are traditional at all you should probably have FI ask for your hand before you start talking $$ and cents. Before you talk to your parents I would spend a little bit of time thinking about the things that you expect would be most important to you about your wedding, and what you expect will be most important towards your parents. I think it is important to be able to identify your priorities and try to gauge what their priorities will be. I think it is also important to ask them when you talk to them whether there are certain things that they feel must be part of the wedding (and why). I think this helps make clear what the expectations are on the front end. Good luck!

 

[rubybeth]

Thanks for all the advice, ladies. I think first of all, S and I need to sit down and figure what we actually want. If we eloped (or just did a small ceremony with parents/grandparents/godparents), I love the idea of an after-honeymoon party in our honor in my backyard. So, there are many options.

Thankfully, pretty much everyone who is married has already told me, "Do the wedding just how YOU want, don't listen to anyone else," so that makes me feel better about not wanting the big fairytale thing with all 45 of my cousins there.

And, tomorrow I'm going to show the dress to my cousin's wife, so I'll have her snap some photos!

 

[urseberry]

Yay, rubybeth, I just bought the long J.Crew goddess dress last week too. We''ll be dress twins! I thought I got such a deal at 20% off the sale price, only to have it drop to 30% off a few days later.

Oh well, it''s still a steal for a silk dress. How do you plan to accessorize? I originally thought the dress looked plain and planned have a seamstress add some beading at the top, but when I tried it on, I thought it looked perfect as is. All it really needs is a pretty necklace.

You''ve received lots of good advice on your money question above, so I''ll just add another congrats on your engagement.

 

[Harleigh]

Hi rubybeth!

Congratulations on your engagement! I think you have gotten some really sound advice about speaking to your parents, so I won''t repeat what the others have said.

I would love to see pictures of the J.Crew Goddess dress on you, also!

Could you please tell me how true to size it is? Thanks!

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 2/5/2008 9:42:45 PM
Author: urseberry
Yay, rubybeth, I just bought the long J.Crew goddess dress last week too. We''ll be dress twins! I thought I got such a deal at 20% off the sale price, only to have it drop to 30% off a few days later.

Oh well, it''s still a steal for a silk dress. How do you plan to accessorize? I originally thought the dress looked plain and planned have a seamstress add some beading at the top, but when I tried it on, I thought it looked perfect as is. All it really needs is a pretty necklace.


You''ve received lots of good advice on your money question above, so I''ll just add another congrats on your engagement.

If you want that extra 10% credited back, you could always go back to J Crew and ask for a price adjustment. Most stores will credit you the difference if the item is reduced in price within 14 days of the original sale as long as you have a receipt. It may be too late to go back now of course, but for future reference, it would be handy to know. I found out about it from a sales associate at a store I frequent. I was going to buy a jacket, and the sales girl said, "Hey, we''re putting that on an additional (whatever it was)% off tomorrow" I asked if I should just come back tomorrow and buy it instead, and she said, "Nah, buy it now and just come get a price adjustment."

Anyway, back to the original post: rubybeth, best wishes on your wedding! I think your ideas for eloping are super romantic and sensible at the same time. It''s WAY better to have a super simple wedding and NOT strain yourself financially. There is NO WAY my husband and I would have had the type of wedding we ended up having if it hadn''t been for contributions from our parents. We ended up paying only a small % of the overall budget.

Either way, it seems like all you really care about is getting married and that you will be just as happy with a simple wedding and a back yard after honeymoon party as you would with the fairy tale thing. I think it is SO considerate of you to want to gauge your family''s feelings on the guests they would like to invite. I could be wrong, but I bet that once your parents see how sensible you are trying to be financially, they will either accept your idea for a very small wedding and not contribute, or they will contribute to accommodate a larger wedding.