Grandma''s Wedding Ring

[nclrgirl]

My brother got married this weekend, which means a lot of great family times! Well, on Friday night at the rehearsal dinner, my Grandma pulled my younger (by 1.5 years) cousin and I aside to talk to us. She said to my cousin "K, since you''ll probably be the last one to get married, I want you to have my wedding ring when I die." K and I were a bit shocked... First of all, it''s never fun when your grandparents talk about dying. Secondly, it hurt K''s feeling with the whole probably being the last to get married comment.

Well, I realised tonight that my feelings are a bit hurt... I definitely think that it was a nice gesture for my Grandma to leave her ring to Cuz K, but I must say I''m a bit jealous and feeling guilty about those feelings. I feel like I shouldn''t have been asked to be there for that conversation.

Just thinking in writing here. Am I over-reacting?

 

[oobiecoo]

I don''t think you are overreacting at all. That was pretty insensitive. My grandma on the mom''s side was always saying pretty insensitive stuff... I think its because she was in pain alot from arthritis and she also just didn''t have all her wits about her at that age. She may have asked you to be there so that there would be no confusion when it was time to pass the ring on. Some people get pretty vicious about making sure they get what they think they deserve when a loved one dies so maybe she was just making sure that her wishes were clear. I don''t think its an appropriate place to bring this up though. I''m sure she didn''t mean to cause offense to either of you though.

 

[LitigatorChick]

I feel your pain. My mom had a diamond and sapphire ring that belonged to her grandmother. My mom wore it on her wedding day, and her grandmother left it to her. It was always that "special ring". Mom always said all us girls would wear it on our wedding day. I wore it on mine, and my second sister wore it on hers. However, 6 months after my second sister''s wedding, I see her wearing the ring again. I ask her what that is about, and she says that Mom gave it to her! I was hurt - this was a special ring, and Mom almost "hid" the fact that she gave it away. Also, I am hurt that my youngest sister may not get to wear it on her wedding day.

 

[Pandora II]

I''m coming to the conclusion that grandmothers are just odd. It seems odd that she would take you both aside to then give her ring to just one of you?

Mine once brought a whole load of pieces of jewellery to a family occasion where all her grand-daughters were present. We were each allowed to pick a piece we liked, and luckily everyone went for a different one.

She then congratulated me on having picked the piece that was worth more than the others put together - she''s into jewellery and meant it as a compliment, but I wanted the ground to open up.

I did know that the piece I chose was by far the most valuable there, but it was the one I liked best and no-one else seemed interested in it. It was also designed by my grandfather (who died when I was a month old) and made for her with stones he brought back from Sri Lanka in the 1950''s whereas all the others were just generic pieces that he had bought.

My uncle made a couple of comments that made me feel really bad.

 

[Elmorton]

YES! I think grandmothers are odd too. One of my close friends is the only granddaughter and her grandfather just passed away (grandmother passed away years ago). Her grandmother gave half of her jewelry to her BACHELOR SONS (they were in their late 40s when she died). When my friend went to take the jewelry that had been labeled for her (they were cleaning out the house) she also took her gma''s solitaire ring out of the jewelry box and gave it to her uncle. He said "Well, this will go in a box somewhere until I die, and then it''s yours." And how does this make sense?

A few years ago, my grandmother got sick with the flu and realized that, if she died, she had a diamond to give my mother and my two older cousins, but not one for me. So she went to Zales and bought a diamond pendant to bequeath to me. It''s a nice gesture I suppose, but I''d rather have something with sentiment attached rather than something she purchased out of strange guilt just so I''d have "something." It kindof makes me feel like an afterthought.

My other grandmother has never once mentioned what any of us "get" when she dies. She hasn''t labeled anything that I know of, although I assume those things are taken care of in a will. I MUCH prefer that side of the family, because I feel that my grandparents value lessons learned, wisdom, and happy memories as their legacy. They feel that their kids and grandkids are financially stable and happy on our own, and I think that has a lot to do with why they don''t talk about what they''re "leaving us" - we don''t need anything except the life lessons we''ve already learned from them. That''s definitely how I want things to be when I reach that stage in my life.

I don''t think you''re over-reacting at all, Nclrgirl. I''m sure that your grandmother felt like it was pressing issue, didn''t want either of you to be hurt, had a hard time deciding what to do about the situation, and did what she believed to be fair. Clearly though, she has a lot of respect for you (feeling that you''re solvent, will be married, etc), and that''s something you should be proud of. Wow, I do feel bad for your poor cousin though...!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Grandmothers sometimes don''t think about how their good intentions will come off. I guess everyone is that way, but the older we get, the less we seem to care about not stepping on toes along the way, I suppose.

Back when my cousin and I were getting married one week apart from one another, my grandmother said some odd things, too. We both know my grandma pretty well, so we just thanked her for her thoughts and went on about our business.

I can remember a time when my grandmother told me that I was far too fat to consider being married one day, so I might as well just get a cat and be happy. Granted, I was very overweight at the time, but that didn''t mean I couldn''t get married!

There is definitely something to be said for tacting decreasing with age.... It''s kind of fun to think about being that "free" later in life, though.

I hope you and your cousin''s feelings aren''t hurt too badly; your grandmother was trying to be nice, although it doesn''t make sense that she would include you in that conversation with your cousin.

What I''ve found with my grandma is that when she does make a truly sweet comment, it means all the more to me, because I know she must mean it since she doesn''t mince words anymore!

 

[laine]

My grandma has done some similar things. My mother (her daughter) is doing a little better than her siblings (lots of divorces and things) and so my grandma has always focused all her attention on the other kids, leaving my mom to mostly fend for herself. Grandma even told my mom once, after giving various jewelry pieces to mom''s siblings (some of which are now gone with the divorces, sadly) that my mom didn''t need them, as my dad could afford to buy her jewelry. My mom is a very sentimental person, and would like a few items for their sentimental value (as they have little monetary value), so this hurt her alot. In fact, grandma openly admits that she has a "favorite child" which I know hurts my mom, and likely hurts the others also.

Grandma also owns one diamond of value, which she told my mom she wanted to leave to one of my cousins because she "worries about him." Mom mentioned that this wasn''t very fair, as there are 8 cousins, and that the others might resent just one receiving such a generous gift. It seems like grandmas just don''t get it sometimes--these things can be hurtful, not just because of the value of the gift, but because we feel left out and would like a rememberence, an inherited sentimental piece as well.

As for jealous of your cousin--I can understand that as well. My other grandmother left all her jewelry to her only daughter, which I understand, but again, I felt a bit left out when I heard my cousin had been wearing her wedding ring. (My aunt since offered me a piece of my grandmother''s jewelry, and I chose a ring that I cherish, knowing it was a gift to her from my grandfather).

 

[Linda W]

Hey, I am a grandmother and I don''t think I am odd. Ha ha ha. Just kidding to make you laugh a bit.

Linda

 

[Gypsy]

Throw me in with the grandma's are odd bit.

I'm the favorite grandchild. I know this. But my uncle is their favorite child. ONLY son, yada yada yada. He was married for the first time 3 or 4 years ago and my grandmother finally opened up her secret HOARD of stuff she'd been saving up for his future wife (whoever she may have been, she's been saving up for DECADES) and unloaded a ton of stuff on my new aunt.

Now my aunt is lovely woman, but um... can't stand grandma's taste in jewelery and doesn't seem to care much for the sentiment of it all. And they aren't planning on having kids.

When my uncles sister's (including my mom) objected to litterally DROWNING his wife in jewels she'd never wear (said so herself) my grandmother set her chin into stubborn STUBBORN lines and said "They were bought for MY SON'S wife, and they WILL GO TO MY SON'S WIFE."

Well, 3 (or four, who can remember) years later and not a month goes by that grandma, who loves her DIL, doesn't complain about the fact that her DIL doesn't wear any of the TONs of jewels she gave her.

Funny thing is my AUNT (by marriage) has bought my GRANDMOTHER pieces of jewelry for mother's day and what not, and grandma has returned every piece. Not to her taste, complaining all the while that her DIL doesn't give her pieces that suit her taste.

It's a war of attrition. I think they both enjoy it on some level.

Drives me batty. Not that I wanted any of the pieces grandma gave her, grandma and I have very dfferent tastes in jewelry, but at least it would have meant more to me.

I'm still wondering if grandma listened or if she gave her DIL the silver flatware she had been hoarding. My aunts AND my grandfather were against that. Grandma's stubborn though. I wouldn't be surprised if she did give it to her.

Not that any of us would have seen it (nor have we). It was ornate. New aunt's taste is streamlined contemporary.

Grandma's are definitely unique.

LOL Linda!

 

[Hera]

I don''t think you''re overreacting, I would have been hurt too

Like others have said, grandmother''s are odd and start losing it a little.

 

[isaku5]

Okay, I''m a grandma too and gladly accept the epithet "unique",

but frown viciously on "odd".

I have one daughter to whom I''ve promised two pieces: My diamond bezel 18k Piaget watch and my 25c rb (that''s right, rb) aquamarine that has the added bling of 27 EF VVS rb''s in a spiral around the aqua. One of a kind and fabulously gorgeous! Yes, I''ve worn them both, but sparingly. I also promised my original wedding set, but since it was stolen, don''t really know what to do with its replacement. Her DH gave her a honkin'' rb, but he went for size over quality and got a "deal" from his friend in the "business"

. I know she''ll wear the set her DH bought for her, so am thinking....maybe leave it to their daughter??

When we were updating our wills last year, our lawyer suggested making a list of what jewellery goes to whom. I''m still procrastinating

. As well as our daughter, we also have a son, DIL, and one more granddaughter. I figure I have the DD (who didn''t phone us on our 45th anniversary last week, but I digress) covered by my two pieces, and her daughter with my rings and probably her mom''s by default. That still leaves a lot to be divvied up.

Your suggestions are most welcome. I have never played favourites with either our kids or our grandgirls and want to be fair and yet prepared in the event that I lose my marbles or worse.

. I''ve actually considered selling all of it and dividing the proceeds, but that sounds tacky.

The pieces that are left are, by no means, unsubstantial.....

 

[luckystar112]

I don''t know. Maybe I''m in the minority but I think it''s good to be clear about what goes to whom, because after the person passes all hell could break loose. At least in my family!!! Heck, it gets a little crazy right now. My grandmother gave my aunt some of her crystal and my mom just about went into a deep depression.

My family has always done this. My great grandmother (when she was still alive) told my mom in front of everyone that she gets her opal ring. My grandmother has made it clear that I get her diamond cluster ring (after my grandfather died she put every diamond he ever bought her into one ring).

I just think things like that should be verbal as well as put into a will...just so everyone is clear. If my grandmother hadn''t said that the diamond cluster ring goes to me, I''m positive I''d have a cousin or two fighting me for it.

 

[laine]

Luckystar--I agree its good to be clear (apparently my grandma has lots of things with labels listing who gets them in her jewelry box), but I think its also good to be even or fair. You get every diamond your grandfather ever gave your grandmother, which is wonderful, but do you think the cousins that aren''t getting that maybe feel a little jealous or left out? If they get similarly valuable and sentimental pieces, then its fine, but if they don''t, it seems a little unfair and hurtful.

Isaku--I think you''re on track with being fair and not playing favorites, and thinking about this in advance. Maybe check in with people, see what means the most to them and keep that in mind when making your allotments. Also, on one side of my family it was made known that things would not being given to the inlaws. Inherited things went to the children (no spouses), or to grandchildren, so it stayed in the family, so all jewelry went to the one daughter to be given to granddaughters as she saw fit. I think a rule like this is fine, as long as it is understood and accepted by all parties.

As a side note, I think it would be wonderful to include a bit of the history of each piece with it. Just a small note that explains it was a 10th anniversary gift, or it was passed down from an aunt, or you got it on vacation in 1974, or whatever. Its the history and sentiment that makes heirloom jewelry so great.

 

[isaku5]

Thanks Luckystar and Laine for your insight. I''ve heard and read of families being estranged over some little trinket and so I want to avoid that if I can.

I have limited experience with this as no one in our family, with the exception of my aunt had much jewellery. As an only child I received my mom''s wedding set when she died. It is a lovely very tiny set appropriate for the tiny lady she was. My jewellery-loving aunt had only about three pieces, all diamonds. One ring went to her sister (my aunt) and disappeared when my aunt died. It was intended for her daughter, my cousin (another only child), who never laid eyes on it. I saw my aunt wearing it whenever we visited so I know she had it, but where it went after her death, I have no idea. My uncle survived her, but I never thought to speak with him about it as he never fully recovered from my aunt''s death (very sad).

Each piece of mine, with the exception of my wedding rings and anniversary ring, was collected painstakingly and paid for by me so there''s no real story attached to any of the pieces. The only one who really knows the extent of my collection is my DH, and I don''t want to saddle him with distributing it.

I''ve thought and thought about this over the past year, but I still haven''t reached an equitable solution. The closest I came was the sale and distribution of whatever proceeds there are, or putting a piece of paper listing each item in a "hat" and letting them take turns. Of course, neither of those is ideal either.

As I mentioned earlier, the only promised pieces are the aqua and the Piaget. The stolen w-rings are a moot point, (I think).

Any other ideas out there? I know that my DD would resent her SIL getting anything at all so the opportunity for a family rift is like a time bomb.

Someone''s got to have experience with this, I hope

 

[laine]

Not about jewelry specifically, but with what my dad and his siblings did to distribute their parents possessions was as follows. This was what their parents requested and was discussed in advance.

Each item had a value from an insurance appraisal, so that was used as a "purchase price". In turn, each person selected an item that they wanted. If they picked something with a really high value, they didn''t get to pick again until the others caught up with their total money "spent". They all had the list of items with values in advance, so they could make choices ahead of time, with their families, but the day of, it was just the siblings. By taking turns but also taking value into account, it ended up being pretty fair. Also, if anyone ended up with a higher value of stuff overall, the difference was made up with the money from the sale of whatever was left.

Hope this wasn''t too much of a threadjack--just wanted to share one perspective on how this could be done.

 

[isaku5]

Excellent idea!!! Thanks so much. Dilemma is solved thanks to Laine!

Of course, all pieces would have to be done by the same appraiser within a short time frame.

 

[laine]

Date: 4/13/2008 6:22:56 PM
Author: isaku5
Of course, all pieces would have to be done by the same appraiser within a short time frame.

Good point. It doesn''t have to be exactly right (like as long as all items list an inflated value, it doesn''t matter that its inflated), but an appraisal from 20 years ago will not be proportional to a recent one. I imagine you could find someone willing to give you a rough value for each item for much less than a full appraisal would cost (hopefully).

 

[UCLABelle]

I would be a bit upset (okay, pretty upset!!!). I think, if she were to give it, she should have perhaps found other rings or jewelry to give you and any other grandchildren. For me, this never happened. I was the only granddaughter and all jewelry was given to me throughout our time together.

 

[isaku5]

Date: 4/13/2008 7:17:10 PM
Author: laine

Date: 4/13/2008 6:22:56 PM
Author: isaku5
Of course, all pieces would have to be done by the same appraiser within a short time frame.

Good point. It doesn''t have to be exactly right (like as long as all items list an inflated value, it doesn''t matter that its inflated), but an appraisal from 20 years ago will not be proportional to a recent one. I imagine you could find someone willing to give you a rough value for each item for much less than a full appraisal would cost (hopefully).

I will look after this sooner rather than later because right now I think I''d be considered "of sound mind" ( I know, I''ll get my doctor to sign a statement stating just that!) whereas farther down the road, who knows?

 

[luckystar112]

There are no hurt feelings with cousins etc. because they all get something special as well.
Also, my grandmother is also my Godmother, which is why I get the diamond cluster ring. My mother is my cousin''s godmother, so my cousin will be getting something really special from my mom...and so on and so on.

I think it''s pretty fair! So, I don''t think it''s awkward for a grandmother to set things straight vocally...I think it''s more awkward to be talking about their death!

 

[laine]

I think nclrgirl's problem (and the concern that alot of us agreed with) wasn't that it was done vocally/verbally, but that her cousin was being given something very special, while she was being left out. In your case, luckystar, all the cousins are getting something so it is fair. nclrgirl's grandma is leaving her out, so she is right to feel a little hurt and jealous (imho).

ETA: by the way, luckystar, that sounds like a really cool piece of jewelry that you'll be inheriting. I love how it represents the many years of love shared by your grandparents!

 

[Linda W]

My grandmother had two special rings. Before she passed away in 1988, she gave one to me and one to my cousin.

Well, my cousin wasn''t happy, but kept it to herself. After my grandmother died, my cousin told me off purple and said she always wanted the ring gramdma gave me. She wanted to trade rings with me. I told her I was sorry, but grandma gave me her engagement ring and I was going to keep it.

My cousin hasn''t spoken to me since. Talk about holding grudges.

Linda