"gratuitous" diamond?

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/29/2006 10:03:35 AM
Author: pearcrazy
I would be touched if my daughter wanted to give me a diamond but I would feel uncomfortable getting it around the time she gets her ring, and I wouldn't want her buying me an engagement ring. To me it steals the thunder away from your boyfriend who is making this grand gesture in buying you a beautiful ring. It's your time to shine no doubt, but it's also his.

This is kinda what I was trying to say. Thanks Pearcrazy! CZ for you too?

Deco's PSYCHOBABBLE CORNER
Engagement is traditionally a time where you're "moving away from your family of origin" and creating a new family of your own. It's quite a mixed-message to be commemorating your love of your mother with the same kind of ring (same cut of stone even) AT THE SAME TIME?? The desire to do it AT THE SAME TIME is what's tingly my spidey senses that there is more to this than meets the eye. (Not bad - just deeper than you might realize. Worth considering?)

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 4/29/2006 10:03:35 AM
Author: pearcrazy
If I missed this I''m sorry but is your mother married? If she is then I don''t think you should present her with a ring that''s nicer than her engagement ring if she has one. If she doesn''t have one then her husband might not like you giving her an engagement style ring.

That''s what I was thinking when i was reading this.
Now a mothers ring that''s a totally different story.
I think its very very sweet what you want to do but my question is how would Dad take it?
imho id stick to a mothers ring with birthstones its traditional.
Even a rhr with your birthstone would work but a large diamond....
I dunno.

 

[Mara]

Date: 4/29/2006 12:50:21 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/29/2006 10:03:35 AM
Author: pearcrazy
I would be touched if my daughter wanted to give me a diamond but I would feel uncomfortable getting it around the time she gets her ring, and I wouldn't want her buying me an engagement ring. To me it steals the thunder away from your boyfriend who is making this grand gesture in buying you a beautiful ring. It's your time to shine no doubt, but it's also his.

This is kinda what I was trying to say. Thanks Pearcrazy! CZ for you too?

Deco's PSYCHOBABBLE CORNER
Engagement is traditionally a time where you're 'moving away from your family of origin' and creating a new family of your own. It's quite a mixed-message to be commemorating your love of your mother with the same kind of ring (same cut of stone even) AT THE SAME TIME?? The desire to do it AT THE SAME TIME is what's tingly my spidey senses that there is more to this than meets the eye. (Not bad - just deeper than you might realize. Worth considering?)

CZ for Pearcrazy!!!!

Nah of course not. You girls have valid points. And your delivery goes down quite smoothly as well....like required fiber of the day.

TG I think you should do whatever you want in the end, it is your $$, your mother, your ring etc...but there may be something to be said for giving her something a little different than what you are getting. What about setting the cushion in a pendant? That would be stunning and appropriate for a mother as well I think.

I also agree that we tend to buy others things that WE find appealing or things we'd love to have. That is kind of what I am struggling with for my grandmother's purchase. I would love for her to have a diamond...because I know she has never had one. But I don't want her not to wear it! So I thought well maybe a nice .50ctw 5 stone ring, nothing flashy or gaudy (in her mind) so that she won't feel like she has to worry about wearing it or anything like that. I really would love to get her a 1ctw 5 stone like Sevens but I think that would be too much for her. So I'm kind of mentally struggling with what Grandma would like or wear vs what *I* want her to have.

Anyway, the sentiment is beautiful and I am sure you will figure it out and make it work. Good luck!

 

[TravelingGal]

Trust me, there is no underlying current of weirdness, I promise!

My original plan was to get her a round cut diamond, and present it to her on the eve of my wedding (several months from now) so she could wear it the day I get married. That plan changed because A) she likes cushions and B) There is a great one available now in my budget, and I thought I would be too excited to hold on to it for that many months. Deco, that is the only reason why I thought I''d do it at the same time...it''s a practical one. The cushion is available now...on the chance that she lied and she DOESN''T like the cut, I have 14 days to return it!

My boyfriend''s parents is coming probably a day or two after I get engaged (all the way from Australia) and are staying two weeks...which would be too late to return it if I gave it to my mom after they left. But your psychobabble is very intriguing indeed! Hee hee.

I could probably stick with my original plan (eve of the wedding), and still give her the cushion. It would be a quiet thing and no one would have to know. She could just wear the ring on her finger on my wedding day and just be happy herself with the pretty stone. You are right about the engagement same time thing being weird to some, but I really don''t consider my engagement a big deal...hoopla wise, that is.

As for my father, his feelings are not in the equation to me. Yes, they are still married, but they live in different apartments in a senior center. He has never given her jewelry (everything she owns is from me or my brother), has been physically abusive to her in the past, and still is emotionally abusive to her today even though he is sick and probably dying. Unfortunately, my mother comes from the old school asian mentality to just deal with it. She''s also an amazing selfless woman with a big heart, and just puts up a lot in general.

I can understand the birthstone idea, but honestly...I''ve given her quite a bit of jewelry in the past (because I''ve discovered she loves it) and a birthstone ring just isn''t what I am looking for at the moment. I really appreciate everyone''s advice because I am reconsidering a few things. At the very least, if I DO get this diamond, I''ll hold off giving it to her...if only not to steal my boyfriend''s thunder in any way because his feelings are definitely a priority for me. I am also rethinking doing it at this time and see what comes up this summer that I can buy. I would feel very bad for Mark Turnowski though, as he has been so helpful.

Probably the thing I could most admit to is that I want my mother to have nice things too. I don''t feel guilty about living a good life...that is what she sacrificed everything for. I just know right now that with taking care of my father, she is so burnt out (and there isn''t too much my brother and I can do to help) that I would like to add a little extra light to her day. I can''t even explain my father, except to say the doctors say that he''s having some psychosis issues because of all the strokes he''s had and gave me examples. I actually laughed and had to explain to the doctors and say he''s ALWAYS been that way, even when he was young and healthy!!!!

Thanks again everyone...your insight has been very helpful.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/29/2006 2:24:55 PM
Author: strmrdr

Even a rhr with your birthstone would work but a large diamond....

P.S. isn''t a one carat diamond around PS considered small?

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 4/29/2006 4:15:36 AM
Author: blodthecat
I speak now from a mother's perspective.

If one of my daughters even thought of doing something like that for me, then i would be very moved! It is a wonderfully kind and loving gesture...and you are obviously a very loving daughter.

HOWEVER...on your engagement, I would want the only ring people were admiring to be YOURS! That would really matter to me. And I think it would matter to your partner too.

A young couple starting out in life have a lot of expenses. I would want you to preserve you money for that.

A small token gesture...say a lovely chain set with a small diamond would be fantastic (but not a ring). Nothing too expensive, but just a small token to show your mum how much she really means to you. And of course a big hug from you...

I really think your mum would feel more comfortable with that. (IMO)

Good luck...and let us know how you get on

While I think you are a dear and precious daughter to even consider such a thought, as a mother of a 20 and 23 year old, I will have to agree with the above post as well as those of laurel_aurelia, deco, pear, and MrsFrk. I would not be happy for my children to spend that amount of money on me when they are starting a marriage and there are things like a home and other things to buy. Another thing that has not been mentioned is that it might make your siblings feel bad they they cannot possibly ever live up to giving gifts like that. And I agree that it sort of takes away from your own engagement celebration and makes the e-ring a little less significant.

I support the idea of a gift, but I think a pendant or some small diamond studs if her ears are pierced would be a much more appropriate gift and one that will show your love and appreciation for her without appearing overly extravagant.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/29/2006 2:43:21 PM
Author: TravelingGal
She could just wear the ring on her finger on my wedding day and just be happy herself with the pretty stone.

Last Gasp of Psychobabble (I promise

)
I don''t think ANYTHING, not even a sparkly, will make her happier than she will already be on your big day!! Don''t sell yourself, or her short on that account! *PSYCHOBABBLE CORNER OFFICIALLY CLOSED*

p.s. -- Travelinggal - you''ve taken all the input so well & fairly & with a lot of class! Just wanted to say that! I''m sure every Mom wishes she had a girl just like you! And its so awesome that you''re able to express your appreciation and respect and love both materially & emotionally!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/29/2006 3:04:33 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/29/2006 2:43:21 PM
Author: TravelingGal
She could just wear the ring on her finger on my wedding day and just be happy herself with the pretty stone.

Last Gasp of Psychobabble (I promise

)
I don''t think ANYTHING, not even a sparkly, will make her happier than she will already be on your big day!! Don''t sell yourself, or her short on that account! *PSYCHOBABBLE CORNER OFFICIALLY CLOSED*

p.s. -- Travelinggal - you''ve taken all the input so well & fairly & with a lot of class! Just wanted to say that! I''m sure every Mom wishes she had a girl just like you! And its so awesome that you''re able to express your appreciation and respect and love both materially & emotionally!

Hey, I think you hit the nail on the head! That psychobabble works after all!

What you are saying is very true and really the point, isn''t it? I really don''t think she needs a diamond to be truly happy for me on that day. I''ll try not to sell myself short.

And that is very sweet of you to say...thank you (although I can be a serious pain in the ass...ask my boyfriend!

). But honestly, my mother is just amazing...and I would like to think that even though she ended up with a wanky husband, life decided to give her something back in her kids, who just love her so much.

Thanks again!!!!

 

[ForteKitty]

Buy her the diamond. She deserves it.

It''s a wonderful gesture, and I completely understand where you''re coming from. I bought my mom a diamond a few years ago, and she still tears up whenever she looks at it. Your mom will love it!

 

[hlmr]

Date: 4/29/2006 3:04:33 PM
Author: decodelighted
Travelinggal - you''ve taken all the input so well & fairly & with a lot of class! Just wanted to say that! I''m sure every Mom wishes she had a girl just like you! And its so awesome that you''re able to express your appreciation and respect and love both materially & emotionally!

Date: 4/29/2006 3:14:16 PM
Author: TravelingGal.
I would like to think that even though she ended up with a wanky husband, life decided to give her something back in her kids, who just love her so much.

AMEN to these two statements.

 

[pearcrazy]

Date: 4/29/2006 12:50:21 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/29/2006 10:03:35 AM
Author: pearcrazy
I would be touched if my daughter wanted to give me a diamond but I would feel uncomfortable getting it around the time she gets her ring, and I wouldn''t want her buying me an engagement ring. To me it steals the thunder away from your boyfriend who is making this grand gesture in buying you a beautiful ring. It''s your time to shine no doubt, but it''s also his.

This is kinda what I was trying to say. Thanks Pearcrazy! CZ for you too?

Deco''s PSYCHOBABBLE CORNER
Engagement is traditionally a time where you''re ''moving away from your family of origin'' and creating a new family of your own. It''s quite a mixed-message to be commemorating your love of your mother with the same kind of ring (same cut of stone even) AT THE SAME TIME?? The desire to do it AT THE SAME TIME is what''s tingly my spidey senses that there is more to this than meets the eye. (Not bad - just deeper than you might realize. Worth considering?)

You betcha, I''ll take a CZ!! Make mine a pear shaped of course, and two carats at least!

Can I come sit in your psychobabble corner some more?

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/29/2006 5:35:09 PM
Author: pearcrazy
Can I come sit in your psychobabble corner some more?

Sorry Pearcrazy, the Psychobabble Corner is closed. Ooops. I see a crack. Shaft of light ...

Travelgal, is it possible that you''re so happy/slightly guilty about getting a GOOD MAN, and that''s what you *really* wish you could give your mom! (Cushion-cut stone ring being the best "replacement" and *symbol* for that, that $$ can buy!)

Okay - whoops - SLAM - I wrestled it shut again! Pearcrazy, did I accidently lock you in there?

 

[pearcrazy]

Whew, Deco!! I made it out just in time, although I must admit I like feeling safe and sound in psychobabble corner! Look out Dr. Phil--- Deco is going to steal your job!!

 

[Gemklctr]

OK, no psychobabble, just simple logic.

1. Your Mom loves jewelry.

2. You believe she deserves it.

3. You want to give it to her (and FI has no issues).

4. You can afford it.

5. A good deal on a top notch stone is available.

6. It will make BOTH of you very happy.

7. Therefore, go for it! (Timing should be up to you.)

My brother and I gave my Mom a blue diamond solitare the night before his wedding. It was close to Mother''s Day. She had always wanted one. You know your family dynamics better than us, so just choose the timing you are most comfortable with.

I think it''s absolutely terrific that you can and want to do this for your Mom. You''re both very lucky.

 

[movie zombie]

open the psychobabble door, please, and let me in.....i''m in the ''nice sentiment but give her something nice another time''. i really like the idea of giving that something nice to her on your wedding day.

movie zombie

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/29/2006 6:10:43 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/29/2006 5:35:09 PM
Author: pearcrazy
Can I come sit in your psychobabble corner some more?

Sorry Pearcrazy, the Psychobabble Corner is closed. Ooops. I see a crack. Shaft of light ...

Travelgal, is it possible that you're so happy/slightly guilty about getting a GOOD MAN, and that's what you *really* wish you could give your mom! (Cushion-cut stone ring being the best 'replacement' and *symbol* for that, that $$ can buy!)

Okay - whoops - SLAM - I wrestled it shut again! Pearcrazy, did I accidently lock you in there?

LOL Deco...yes, I certainly wish I could give my mom a great man, but she doesn't want any more men period after my dad! Once he passes away, she's says she is going to enjoy her life as a widow. I wish men came with "specs" before you made the decision. Ideal vs. common...deep or shallow? Ha ha!

My boyfriend is a wonderful man, but not one who inspires guilt!

I've thought about this over the weekend, and I do think I simply want to buy her this to make her happy...to see her smile with delight (after the initial look of "are you crazy") and giggle and wiggle her fingers with her new ring as she always does when I give her a piece of jewelry.

BTW, she is partial to rings...probably because she can see them and enjoy them herself, so the pendant idea (which I personally love) is out.

So I guess with all your help I have decided to get her the diamond...BUT bite my tongue and quietly give it to her 5 months from now. Ack, I'm going to struggle to be patient.

I will keep you posted!