Grrrrr.

[goldengirl]

Date: 1/21/2005 2:55

8 PM
Author: Cath
I just wanted to say that unfortunately, once you are married, the questions simply turn into ''So, when are you having kids?''

OMG, and what is UP with people thinking it''s totally normal to walk up to a pregnant stranger--I''m not even talking friend, relative or coworker, I mean some RANDOM person they run into at the store!!--and rubbing their belly?!?!?

I remember my friends complaining about being molested while shopping by other women who come up, pat their tummy and coo "When are you due??"

I decided then and there that if anybody even DARED to be so forward when I''m expecting, I''m going to reach out, pat THEIR belly, and coo, "Six months, you??"

 

[JCJD]

LOLOL!!!!! I love this thread!!! It''s crap that everybody goes through!! Even before bf and I got engaged, his dad was subtly hinting about when we''d be having babies! I feel bad for FI''s sister, she''s been married over 5 years and hasn''t had kids yet, and the families have definitely taken notice of that fact....

I''ve got a canned answer ready for the "So when are you going to have kids?" question.

Answer: "Well, we''re not ready yet, but would you like us to tell you when we start trying?" And if they don''t get it and agree, then the response is: "Well OK... so do you want to know before, during, or after?"

And to the "When are you guys getting married??" question, if bf was with me, I''d turn to him and say, "I don''t know, is Tuesday OK with you? No? Well, how about Wednesday? No wait, I''ve got a test/dentist appt/etc then. Thursday? Good? OK! *Turn back to the dingbat asking* It''ll be Thursday." If bf wasn''t with me, "You''re going to have to ask him that question, cause I don''t have any control over that." Putting all the pressure onto him, where it should be.

LOL gg - That''s an awesome response to random pregnant-belly-patting!! I must remember that.....

Blue Chica - Stewie!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

Date: 1/22/2005 12:31

7 PM
Author: JCJD

I feel bad for FI''s sister, she''s been married over 5 years and hasn''t had kids yet, and the families have definitely taken notice of that fact....

I feel bad for your FI''s sister as well. We have been married for 5 years as well. No kids either. My mom occasionally opens her big mouth...I tell her that everytime she asks me about she has just extended the timeline. But seriously, she won''t raise them, so it really is none of her business. For the record, I always believed that 5 years was a minimum marriage length before even thinking about having children!

 

[Cath]

Date: 1/21/2005 11

3:57 PM
Author: goldengirl

Date: 1/21/2005 2:55

8 PM
Author: Cath
I just wanted to say that unfortunately, once you are married, the questions simply turn into ''So, when are you having kids?''

OMG, and what is UP with people thinking it''s totally normal to walk up to a pregnant stranger--I''m not even talking friend, relative or coworker, I mean some RANDOM person they run into at the store!!--and rubbing their belly?!?!?

I remember my friends complaining about being molested while shopping by other women who come up, pat their tummy and coo ''When are you due??''

I decided then and there that if anybody even DARED to be so forward when I''m expecting, I''m going to reach out, pat THEIR belly, and coo, ''Six months, you??''

LOL gg, I wish I could be as bold as you! If that ever happens to me, I would just stand there shocked and then just walk away.

FTLOD, maybe we should trade moms. My mom has told me that she doesn''t think I should have kids, because they are too expensive, not worth it, etc... Is that what she thinks of me?!?

 

[chantal990]

Once you are engaged and have told people it moves up to "when''s the wedding?" But it reminds me of a joke I heard (can''t remeber who said it but it goes like this:

"old women kept on comming up to me at weddings saying not long and you''ll be up there. They stopped when I started doing it to them at funerals"

 

[MelissaSue]

haahahahhaahaha.. emerald girl! THATS FANTASTIC!

 

[goldengirl]

Date: 1/23/2005 10

1:59 PM
Author: Emeraldgirl
''old women kept on comming up to me at weddings saying not long and you''ll be up there. They stopped when I started doing it to them at funerals''

LMAO..... I''m going to use this if I ever get the chance!!!

 

[BLINGQUEEN]

Date: 1/23/2005 10

1:59 PM
Author: Emeraldgirl
Once you are engaged and have told people it moves up to ''when''s the wedding?'' But it reminds me of a joke I heard (can''t remeber who said it but it goes like this:

''old women kept on comming up to me at weddings saying not long and you''ll be up there. They stopped when I started doing it to them at funerals''

ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!that''ll shut em up!!!!

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

Date: 1/22/2005 5:43:16 PM
Author: Cath


FTLOD, maybe we should trade moms. My mom has told me that she doesn''t think I should have kids, because they are too expensive, not worth it, etc... Is that what she thinks of me?!?

Gosh! Cath, I am sorry to hear that! My mom isn''t that bad... she just REALLY wants to be a grandma.. I think I am off the hook soon though. My lil sis is getting married this August and she plans on starting her family on the honeymoon!

Emerald!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[blue_chica]

My BF''s mom grilled me on kids (do I want them, when do I want them, how many do I want) etc. the very first time I met her - we''d been dating about a month. I just told my BF that I was glad I apparently was of high enough caliber to bear his seed.

I may just tell her I''m planning on waiting 5 years but I''ll have them earlier for a cash price of 100k or something.

 

[blue_chica]

Cath - ouch! That is pretty harsh. My mom is not very pro-kids either.

Emeraldgirl - that is GREAT!

 

[Cath]

FTLOD and Blue Chica -- no worries, I have gotten used to my mom''s comments so it doesn''t bother me when she says stuff like that. I actually find it quite amusing that she is the opposite of most people''s moms! Maybe I just scarred her for life -- I was quite the nightmare child and I am sure my payback is coming!! I am scared to think what my kids will be like!

 

[JCJD]

I was the worst baby in the world - wouldn''t fall asleep, only slept for a couple hours at a time when I did, barfed on all of my parents'' friends (except one!), would only fall asleep listening to Pink Floyd''s Dark Side of the Moon or The Supremes (Baby Love) while driving around the neighborhood, wouldn''t potty-train until I was 4 years old!!!!!, etc. So now my parents egg me on - I can''t WAIT till you have kids!!! I hope they''re ALL like YOU!!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! (evil laughter). But even after me-the-devil-baby, my parents had 3 more! So I couldn''t have been that bad! Right???

 

[allycat0303]

My mom says: wait until you have a really good job, so you can afford their expensive habits. She also says that I (like JCD) was the WORST child. So was my boyfriend. We''ll probably have children that could be mistaken for the SPAWN OF SATAN

. I''m not too into children yet. I told my boyfriend that I think God forgot to put a biological clock / maternal instiinct in me. I mean is this possible? I''m 24 years old and have no desire for children. There must be something wrong with me.

 

[Cath]

I think most parents are convinced at some time or another that their child must be the worst in the world! Ally I wouldn''t worry about the kids thing yet. You are still young -- I am a couple of years older than you and I haven''t heard my biological clock yet. I''m thinking it''ll happen when I''m around 30-32...so we''ll see, but you still have PLENTY of time! Until then, enjoy your free time!!!

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

Date: 1/24/2005 12

7:50 PM
Author: allycat0303
My mom says: wait until you have a really good job, so you can afford their expensive habits. She also says that I (like JCD) was the WORST child. So was my boyfriend. We''ll probably have children that could be mistaken for the SPAWN OF SATAN

. I''m not too into children yet. I told my boyfriend that I think God forgot to put a biological clock / maternal instiinct in me. I mean is this possible? I''m 24 years old and have no desire for children. There must be something wrong with me.

Ally: I just decided that I actually WANTED kids at age 26...but I don''t plan on having them until I am 30!! so don''t worry!

 

[blueroses]

....and I AM 30 and am still not even ready, so there you go!!

(I always thought I''d have kids by this point....amazing how both life intervenes, and how having extremely rambunctious nephews can make one re-think plans! Now I think perhaps 34?)

 

[allycat0303]

Forloveofdiamonds: Oh I hope I am like you! I haven''t even decided I want kids. Some days I think "Yes" both most days its no. It just seems like a huge responsibilities.

Cath, Blueroses: Personally, I think somewhere in my 30''s would be a good time. I don''t want to feel like I missed out on being young and enjoying myself. My mom says that 30''s is too late, but then again, she ALWAYS says she regrets getting married and having children young... it''s a bit conflicting!

 

[blue_chica]

Alley - Oh my, there''s nothing wrong with not wanting kids at 24. I''m only 27 and I think I''m awfully young to consider it. And when I think about the financial and time investment required it gives me pause, even though I am usually "sure" I "want" them. As I get older the "best" time to have them seems to get older and older.

 

[goldengirl]

Oh, man... I was a ROTTEN child. I mean truly, in-your-face, mean-tempered, how-can-I-bend-the-rules-or-at-least-not-get-caught-breaking-them, sneaking out, backtalking, in trouble with the LAW nasty child. Well, preteen. But I was ok by the time I was 16.

So I get the "I hope your kids are JUST AS BAD AS YOU!!!" thing too!

But fh was the PERFECT angel child... no, seriously... I think the only time he ever got grounded was for getting a C- or something. Would never DREAM of talking to his parents the way I talk to mine NOW, let alone the way I talked to them in my shitheaded stage!

So I''m hoping he''ll kinda balance out my genes and we''ll get a reasonably well-behaved child...

We''re getting married at 23 (both of us will be 23) and we want to wait three-ish years before having a family... so I''ll probably have my first at 26/27, the second at 29/30. (A third is still being debated!

)

Am I really planning for being THIRTY?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

 

[fatafelice]

I guess I am a little late getting in on this thread, but I definitely can relate. The engagement questions have been bad enough. Friends and family have been asking for YEARS. Now, I am the ONLY young, unmarried female at the school where I teach and it is as if the other women are trying to live vicariously through me! My students even ask me about it! And my BF''s mother won''t visit us at our home because we "live in sin" (seriously, I''m not making that up!) Lately, however, it seems like my own mother has skipped the idea of marriage in favor or bugging me about children! It''s as if she has lost hope for our marriage, but loves my BF so much that she wants me to have babies with him! Thank goodness my older sister will be getting married soon -- I''m sure she''ll be pregnant within the year!

 

[Blue824]

Out of curiousity...for anyone who hasn''t decided if they''re having kids or not (me included) how has your bf handled that?

For us right now it isnt an issue, but I know it needs to be resolved before we got engaged. We''ve tried to tackle it on many occassions and me saying how about one leaves him thinking well then we can adopt the others? But anyway, he was an only child and I''m one of 3...I can honestly say I have no real desire for kids, he on the other hand, loves kids...but i don''t think he realizes the amount of time, energy or money that is spent on them. Where as I nannied in college and from the rates I charged

, I don''t know when I''d be able to afford that. My mom was a stay at home mom and she totally regrets it. I dont know, I just have so many issues with it! And then add onto the whole gaining weight and stretch marks and other complications - I freak out if I gain 2 pounds let alone 20+ for a kid! I dont know, I"m sure I''m just way too young, 22, to decide or think about this normally. But just curious how those talks went with other people.

 

[allycat0303]

Blue: It might as well have been me posting that message. I feel EXACTLY the same way. My boyfriend really wants to have kids. He wants 3. I told him he''d be lucky to get 1. They are a lot of work. I worry about everything: our different cultures, parenting styles (he is soooooo lenient with his niece), and the time it would take out of our lives. AND yeah, the weight. Don''t get me started. I told him, IF I was pregnent, I''d better gain one more pound then the baby weighs

.

As for talking with my boyfriend, we''ve talked about it, but I haven''t definitively said "NO kids yet" partially because I''m not sure if it is my age, my obsession with med school, or if it is just something that comes with maturity. I have let him know that I''m not sure yet, he wants to get married either way, but I think if I ever decided "NO" for sure, we would break up. I feel that it would be something he would regret later on and he would hold it against me in the future. I hope it doesn''t come to that. After all, my family is the most important thing in my life so....grrr.... maybe adoption....

 

[icekid]

haha.. you guys and the baby talk! sometimes i think i''m in med school just so i can have kids and be financially ready to take care of them! well maybe not. that said, med school seriously puts off any baby having for us for a good while. i''m 23 now, will be just turning 27 when i graduate from school... so maybe my training will be finished around 32. so THEN we can think about having babies. but i am really glad that we''ll be together for a good long while before we have kids. i think at that point, we''ll have been married for around 6 years. i am with FTLOD on that one; i want to spend as much time alone w/ my hubby as possible before we completely muck it up with kids.

ally- but kids ARE sooooo expensive.. i think your mom was thinking of all of that figure skating! what an expensive sport! in my family, my sister and i are both skaters, and my brothers play hockey (24/7 it seems)... we are quite the expensive bunch. my parents rarely spend any money on themselves, which sounds like not much fun to me.

the part about how much they mess up your body freaks me out too. my mom is thin and healthy after 4 babies, but that stretched out tummy just never goes away! i was seriously talking today with my friends about how i am going to have to pay a surrogate to carry my children, but i think they thought that i was joking

however, we both definitely want kids. i''m thinking two biological and adopt one, or something along those lines. just not anytime soon... however, bf''s sister is 30 now and married for a couple years, so i am hoping she''ll have some kids soon and take the pressure off of us, and plus i''d have some nieces or nephews to keep me busy enough until my schedule allows for kids

 

[blue_chica]

Blue824: Biiiiiiiiiiiig topic, one I've been thinkging about a lot lately. My BF and I talked about kids very early on because a doctor told me when I was 21 that my ovaries were failing...so it was on my mind all the time. I felt a lot of pressure to decide, and if I wanted them, to go for it early. I decided, however, that it wasn't something I wanted to rush, it wasn't the right time, regardless of medical issues. As it turns out, that doctor was full of crap. Here I am 6 years later after having finally broached the topic with my current doctor. She told me that most likely my symptoms at the time were due to my untreated hypothyroidism. Can you imagine if I'd had a kid then because of what the first doctor had said, JUST IN CASE?!! It makes me so mad.

Anyway, when my BF and I talked about it he said he'd always been "no kids, ever". He'd been in a really long unhappy relationship at that point, and she wanted kids/marriage, so he was kind of against both. However, he said he could definitely see them with me. I was still kind of undecided. Two of my best-friends are child-free, one has been sterilized with Essure (27 y/o). They make very good arguments that I completely agree with intellectually (money, over-population, relationship strain, no travel, etc). Also, I grew up in a very socially and financially unstable living situation, very unhappy childhood, and have some worries about whether I'd be able to do a good job with kids. Those fears have lessened a bit over the eyars. Finances are still a HUGE sticking point for me though. I will not ever be f'ing poor again.

Anyway, after mulling it over for months, I just realized that I'm pretty sure I want kids, even though it's not a "smart" choice in some ways, it's just a gut feeling. And when I told BF, he said life would be great either way. So I suppose we're in sync, which is great. The timing almost entirely comes down to finances/house. I've been out of college for 7 years, done a fair amount of traveling, and don't really feel like kids would cramp my style all that much. On the other hand, I have no problem with the concept of bringing an infant to a bar...haha, maybe I shouldn't be a parent after all.

My friend who was sterilized has known she didn't want kids from a very early age, and would have gotten sterilized earlier if she had been able to find a doctor who would do it. She announced to her (now) husband on their first date - "I don't want kids, ever, so if you do let's just drop this now." Which I actually think is not a bad idea of you are absolutely certain you don't want them.

Both you and Ally are pretty young, so I wouldn't worry about not having the urge right now, unless you are really sure you wouldn't want them and it won't change and sure your BF does and won't change, in which case perhaps it's better to avoid the heartache. Adoption is a great thing, but pregnancy is a small part of parenthood so avoiding it isn't going to change much. Kids are definitely a relationship hot spot and worth hashing out prior to marriage.

 

[wcitygirl]

I can''t believe how in sync we all are. My bf and I have been grappling with this as well. Well, I always say how much I hate kids -- well, I DO, but I think for me, it''s just a "I''m not ready yet" thing and other people''s children are ALWAYS inconveniencing me. My bf doesn''t really like the idea of kids -- for all the reasons you all discussed -- they''re expensive, they''ll cramp our style, etc. And so, basically what I''ve said to him is that I don''t want kids NOW, but I would like to reserve the right to want them later. (like in FIVE years later)

PLus, I think that my mom and Bf''s aunt (basically his mom) would be really disappointed if we didn''t. And I know that''s the wrong answer -- to want them because other people want you to have them. But, my mom could only have me and she wanted more and MY aunt couldn''t have any and she wanted a bunch and Bf''s aunt just lost her only child in a car accident, so I think it would be a really special thing for our families.

My idea, though: I was going to pop them out one after another -- two, at the most three -- and then have everything tied up and have all kinds of crazy plastic surgery (specifically focused on my belly and my boobs). Bf has already volunteered to get me plastic surgery. WooHoo!

 

[Blue824]

Thanks girls ---
It is definitely nice to hear that I''m not the only one who lacks this maternal desires or whatever you''d call it! But even though I tell myself I''m young, the issue does come up. All my friends long for the day they get to have kids and it makes me feel like a freak sometimes! One of them told me that my priorities were just too off to ever be a mother. My bf jokes with me that if it came down to me buying some new designer purse or baby food I''d buy myself the purse. I dunno, I was raised in a way very different from most of the friends I made in college. I guess basically always getting whatever I''ve wanted and college was a huge reality check for me when I realized that people took out loans? I was like what!? I sound like a brat, but I mean, it was just I was never around that, so anyway, the level at which I consider financially stable for a kid is probably well over where other people consider themselves stable. I think I''ll come to more reasonable conclusions as I become more independent though, and I''m sure it''ll end up being a decision that I''ll just have to make way down the line. One thing that makes me prone to saying that I''ll eventually want them is that when I think of myself young I don''t see myself with kids, but when I see myself old I don''t want to not have kids or grandkids around me.

Hehe wcity, I like your if I have kids I get to fix all the things they give me with plastic surgery. I have joked with my bf about that. I wouldn''t be opposed to a little bit, I''ve heard that a lot of women schedule a C-section and a tummy tuck for the same time.


BlueChica -- I''m sure glad you didn''t rush into anything and that the doctor was full of crap. I think at this point I assume that I have that option ahead of me, but if I was told you won''t have this option in 5 years or whatever arbitrary number, I don''t know how I''d deal with that!

 

[chantal990]

The only maternal stirrings I have ever had have been for my dog.

I am terrified that if I have kids they will turn out like their parents. Following reasons:

Me:
I was a horrid teenager really, really horrid with a really big problem with authority amd how to get around it. I also tortured my little brother growing up. I used to make him wear dresses and do his hair and makeup. I also once terrorised him for months cause he ate watermelon seeds and I told him that a watermelon was growing in his tummy and it was going to have to be cut out of him which would cost a lot of money so mum and dad would probably just let him die. I also measured him every day to tell him how much bigger he''d grown and finally I put some leaves on his pillow and told him they''d come out his ears while he was sleeping. That''s when he freaked and went to mum and I got a hiding.

He:

Burnt the house doan at 5 years old trying to copy his dad smoking by rolling up a newspaper and lighting it up under his brothers bed. He choked on the smok dropped it the bed anmd blankets caught fire he walked out of the room and shut the door and went to play wiith his cars.

Kids for us 2? No way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[goldengirl]

Aw, you guys... I really, honestly, truly want kids. I do have a mild case of baby fever (mild as in, someone else''s baby clears it up quickly, right now!

) but I''ve always known I wanted kids. My mom was a stay-at-home mom.. well, she still kinda is, as the youngest is just 10. She works, but from home, while the kids are at school. She likes her job, and I don''t think she''s ever regretted staying home. She got her AS when I was still in elementary, but never really used it. I think she regrets more never finding a job that she loved, than staying home to raise her kids. And she''s still looking for that job.

I feel ya, Blue Chica--I''m f''n poor right NOW.

It does suck. We''re working hard to pull ourselves out of debt and create a better life for ourselves, but it''s a long, uphill road and I''m still waiting for that damned light to appear like everyone said it would.

My "kids" plan is pending finances... that''s when we''d LIKE to have kids, but if we can''t afford ''em, we''ll wait. It''s not worth it. But I do want kids, and so does he. He''ll make a great dad.

I am very much a mother, at heart. Some people aren''t and that''s ok... I''d rather you recognize it and choose not to procreate than succumb to peer pressure and let your hooligans run rampant in the streets like everyone else does!!!

 

[BLINGQUEEN]

Listen to your mothers ladies!!!When they say they hope you have a child as bad as you it''s like some kinda gypsey curse or something. And you know how they say Red heads don''t have redheaded children

well......I think my mother added that to her gypsey curse while she was at it!I was a holy terror

and I am paying for my raising, BIG TIME!!I gave birth to the most incorrigable child since.....well me.