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Guilt Over Family Jewelry

J

Jambalaya

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 2, 2014
Messages
4,790
Hi, everyone,

Hope all’s well. Been too busy to check in for a while, but I do lurk.

Has anyone received family jewelry and then felt bad about wanting something similar but of higher quality?

My grandmother left me a sapphire and diamond ring. It’s very nice and I really like it. BUT, as a PSer, I’ve graduated to a somewhat higher quality. I’ve seen several sapphire and diamond halo rings but I’d feel really bad about getting something that’s essentially the same, but better, when she left her ring to me.

Even worse, if I got a higher-quality sapphire ring, I’d probably never wear my grandmother’s again. (BTW, I would never sell either of these pieces.)

The situation is somewhat urgent because there’s currently a sale on in one of my favorite jewelry stores, and there’s a gorgeous opal pendant. It’s oval, set east-west in a yellow gold bezel, and I love it. However, my mother bought me an opal pear pendant for Easter once. Not expensive at all, but pretty. But I really like the other one. My heart constricts when I think of her spending her hard-earned money on the opal pear pendant. It’s small and only cost $50, but still. She thought of me and bought it for me, but I feel terrible because I like the east-west one better. It’s higher quality all-round, much higher content of gold, and a brand that I love, 20% off. Sale ends soon.

Perhaps I just feel bad because my family before me struggled more than I’ve had to, and I feel terrible that I can afford better jewelry than they could.


Help!
 
You can keep the heirloom ring as a momento, switch out the center stone, or pass it on to another family member to keep it within the family.

As for the sale, get what you like if it causes no hardship!
 
I agree with Chrono. I'd also occasionally wear the family jewels if you're still feeling guilty this way you are still honoring the memory of those who gave the other jewels. :)
 
I would just keep the family jewellery to wear sometimes or to look at and smile. Or if you know of a family member who might want it, offer it to them to have. I have costume jewellery of my grandmothers and her engagement ring and other fine jewellery peices that are all badly in need of refurbishing before I can offer them to my daughter when she is older. I only wear the engagement ring setting my husband got me that now houses her engagement ring stone and my wedding ring from him because her jewellery, even the gold gives me rashes. The rest sit until I can refurbish them and pass them down :)
 
Is there anyone in your immediate or extended family like a niece who would appreciate the more modest family jewelry? If not a friend? Honestly I think it is most important that the piece is enjoyed and appreciated, than kept out of obligation. The only time I would feel differently is if it was expensive or had some kind of particular sentimental value.
 
Cozystitches said:
I agree with Chrono. I'd also occasionally wear the family jewels if you're still feeling guilty this way you are still honoring the memory of those who gave the other jewels. :)
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This. Have them both & enjoy them.
 
Is it the (new) setting that is higher quality or the stone, or both? If it’s just the setting, maybe see about resetting the heirloom stones in a new, custom setting like what you want. If it’s the stones, then I agree with passing those along to another family member who may enjoy them, and get what your heart desires (assuming it won’t cause any harm/hurt feelings).
 
Buy what you love and enjoy it.. and wear the jewelry your family gifted you around them once in a while too. Win-win for everyone. :))
 
ringo865 said:
We can have five different pairs of black shoes and not feel guilty. You can have two opals. Or seven. :whistle:
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Oh @ringo865 , I love the way you think, especially the “or seven” comment LOL.


@Jambalaya , Buy and wear the jewelry you want. I would keep the piece of jewelry she left you.
 
The others are right, why not have both if you can afford it! :dance: Wearing the family stuff occasionally still honors them and you can pass it down for future generations to enjoy too.
 
I have two inherited pieces.
One a ruby and gold ring except as I suspected the rubies are fake and totally abraided (but I just keep quiet as the family prefers to believe these are valuable rubies) and another ring, 5 opals in a band again, totally abraided.
Both rings are battered and ugly and I will never wear them BUT they are amongst my most treasured pieces because they were my grandmas and she loved them. I will pass them down to my daughter who I likewise suspect will never wear them either. No matter.
I wear (and buy) the gems and jewellery I love and feel no guilt in having and wearing a x100 better ruby and diamond ring I chose plus a stunning opal ring I likewise bought myself for myself.
You can have treasured heirloom pieces AND gems / jewellery you buy and love yourself.
 
I don't think anyone would be happy knowing that the piece they passed down left their loved one feeling shackled to it or somehow inhibited from buying something they would enjoy.

If they have passed down jewlery then it is probably because they got some joy out of wearing nice jewlery themselves. They were wanting to pass that enjoyment down to you -- not just the specific item per se, but more generally the happiness it bought them. They definitely don't want you wandering arround beating yourself up over whatever you are wearing, or what youre not. They want you to feel all the good thoughts and feelings they associated with the construct. So I think you are safe to just go buy the opal, and think about it as they passed down their love of jewlery to you -- and if that makes you smile then I am pretty sure that was their original intention and is their way of being there for you.
 
As an alternative take on things, is the situation any different to if you'd been handed down a hideous collection of creepy porcelain dolls? lol

Just because your ancestor liked them, doesn't mean you will / do / have to!

At least with rings they are small enough and pretty enough to keep in a jewellery box and look at them fondly each time you open it, maybe wearing them once or twice a year at family occasions like Christmas. :)

A collection of creepy dolls would have to be boxed up and hidden away, or you'd simply have to get rid of them and get over any guilt about doing so! :lol:
 
I think you should buy what you love and wear your inherited jewelry on special days to remember your loved ones. For example, on the day that was their birthday, or the opal pendant on Easter.
 
Life is short. Life is challenging. Bling should bring us joy not guilt. Wear what you love. You have many options for the bling you don't love and passing it on to beloved family members (i.e. nieces, etc) is just one good way to not feel guilty about not wearing what you don't love. Guilt is often a wasted and useless emotion IMO.
 
Ditto what everyone eIse said.
I have/had (lost somewhere in the house) some horrible rubies set into a terrible setting that were acquired by my dad and gran on their 'world tour' when he was a kid back in 1960 (I think my family thought they were in a Fitzgerald novel, unaware of the times they were living in). I treasure them because of the story associated with them (a funny ''idiots abroad' story about Dhaka rubies being more valuable, only for it to dawn on them that 'Dhaka' was actually the word 'darker', anyhow I digress) . I never wear them. I never feel guilty about not wearing them. Keep your opal tucked safely away as a memento of the nice gesture your mom made, look at it with love, and wear what you want. Your new opal will remind you of the first opal you were gifted. I know my one tiny 4.5 mm ruby reminds me of my family 'heirloom' every time I look at it.

Sorry I made this comment all about me :oops:
 
737lizakg said:
Ditto what everyone eIse said.
I have/had (lost somewhere in the house) some horrible rubies set into a terrible setting that were acquired by my dad and gran on their 'world tour' when he was a kid back in 1960 (I think my family thought they were in a Fitzgerald novel, unaware of the times they were living in). I treasure them because of the story associated with them (a funny ''idiots abroad' story about Dhaka rubies being more valuable, only for it to dawn on them that 'Dhaka' was actually the word 'darker', anyhow I digress) . I never wear them. I never feel guilty about not wearing them. Keep your opal tucked safely away as a memento of the nice gesture your mom made, look at it with love, and wear what you want. Your new opal will remind you of the first opal you were gifted. I know my one tiny 4.5 mm ruby reminds me of my family 'heirloom' every time I look at it.

Sorry I made this comment all about me :oops:
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LOL @737lizakg please do not worry about sharing your personal experience. It is what @Jambalaya asked us to do...and in fact helps her thought process as to what would be best for her.

Jambalaya said:
Has anyone received family jewelry and then felt bad about wanting something similar but of higher quality?
Click to expand...

It's all about sharing one's experiences that helps others with their issues. And your post is very helpful not to just Jambalaya but to others reading dealing with similar struggles.

(((Hugs))).
 
I would give away any jewelry that didn't suit me, for whatever reason. On the other hand, there was nothing for me to inherit. I will never understand why my mom gave me my dad's wedding ring, but gave her matching one to my niece. Why? That girl has never worn it, and worse, she disavows our side of the family since her dad, my brother, died 9 years ago. I would love to have both.
 
For my grandma, not really. Both my mom and I didn’t have a great relationship with her. My grandma was a rich snob and thought she bought a really nice sapphire from Thailand. My mom inherited it and it turned out to be gold plated and really dark. :rolleyes: My mom took the stone out and put it into a platinum setting. It turns out she was tricked a lot if you looked at her other jewelry.

I treasure the stuff from my own mother, though. (I am tempted to give her a nicer sapphire so she doesn’t have to wear that one.)
 
Hey there! I think your grandmother would want you to be happy, and to wear what makes you happy. I have my grandmothers engagement ring (solitaire), which I've posted about before - you had made a nice comment about it. I keep it as she wore it because she loved it like that, but I don't think she would have cared in any way if I added sidetones to it, or turned it into a necklace. I may still do that if I get enough money for pear side stones. I've also contemplated passing it along to the oldest great grand daughter, since I don't have children. Either way, I think she'd want me to wear whatever makes me happy, and so would your grandma! I would NOT feel badly at all.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that my mom passed away a couple of years ago, and I was left ALL of her jewelry, for the most part. My sister doesn't really like jewelry like I do. I have to say, my mom and I could NOT be more different when it comes to jewelry tastes (I'm simple & white metal, and she was yellow gold and the bigger the colored stones, the better). She had a ton of jewelry, and I struggle to find even one piece I can stand wearing - most of it just sits in my jewelry box. So, I totally get this, when I think about that. I think I will probably sell most of it someday, but I'm not quite ready to do that yet. But I will say this....that jewelry never crosses my mind when I think of whether I should buy myself something new. One has little to do with the other in my mind - I say buy the ring!
 
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violet3 said:
Hey there! I think your grandmother would want you to be happy, and to wear what makes you happy. I have my grandmothers engagement ring (solitaire), which I've posted about before - you had made a nice comment about it. I keep it as she wore it because she loved it like that, but I don't think she would have cared in any way if I added sidetones to it, or turned it into a necklace. I may still do that if I get enough money for pear side stones. I've also contemplated passing it along to the oldest great grand daughter, since I don't have children. Either way, I think she'd want me to wear whatever makes me happy, and so would your grandma! I would NOT feel badly at all.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that my mom passed away a couple of years ago, and I was left ALL of her jewelry, for the most part. My sister doesn't really like jewelry like I do. I have to say, my mom and I could NOT be more different when it comes to jewelry tastes (I'm simple & white metal, and she was yellow gold and the bigger the colored stones, the better). She had a ton of jewelry, and I struggle to find even one piece I can stand wearing - most of it just sits in my jewelry box. So, I totally get this, when I think about that. I think I will probably sell most of it someday, but I'm not quite ready to do that yet. But I will say this....that jewelry never crosses my mind when I think of whether I should buy myself something new. One has little to do with the other in my mind - I say buy the ring!
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Well I think pics are in order!
 
lyra said:
I would give away any jewelry that didn't suit me, for whatever reason. On the other hand, there was nothing for me to inherit. I will never understand why my mom gave me my dad's wedding ring, but gave her matching one to my niece. Why? That girl has never worn it, and worse, she disavows our side of the family since her dad, my brother, died 9 years ago. I would love to have both.
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Sere if she will sell it to you.
 
Thank you, everyone! It's wonderful to hear people's thoughts and opinions on the subject of hereditary jewelry, and everyone's personal experiences. I'm on nights, but am going to re-read and absorb the wisdom properly when I'm not so tired. I already love the responses, though - you're right! No reason to feel bad. Loved all the suggestions, but especially the one about wearing the inherited pieces on days associated with the long-gone family members.

I guess it's hardly unusual to have inherited pieces lying around that you don't wear much. :think:
 
I have a few pieces of my grandma’s jewelry..one of which is an antique diamond set in a not so great setting. They used to use colored blue glass instead of sapphires during that period so I’m not even sure they’re sapphires. The diamond has an ugly culet. I wrestled with resetting it..making it into a pendant, etc..I just decided to just keep it and look at it every once in a while. My mom bought low quality jewelry which she loves and wears. I remember growing up and wondering why she had to have a ring on most fingers..Anyway..I know she loves that jewelry..She’s 93 years old now...When she passes I will keep her jewelry in a special memory box but I won’t wear it. I was little long winded but the bottom line is don’t feel quilty you want a better quality. You’re a PS’r after all. I would wear the jewelry that your mom gave you when you are with her sometimes...It will make her and you feel good too.
 
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