Had my first wedding break down

[Tacori E-ring]

We chose our date almost a year ago so I am not sure why I waited until now to find a videographer. So of course I found one I LOVED based on his samples online, booked of course! Called 8 other companies, booked! So I was all frusterated and our DJ backed out so we have to replace him. I am not sure how if we can''t even find a videographer/ My sister was in charge of these two items and she is obviously not helping. I am not trying to be a bridezilla but DO NOT tell me you will take care of it if you aren''t. She totally dropped the ball.

She is the maid of honor and more importantly local to where the wedding is so it is SO much easier for her. Plus she has a ton of friends who have gotten married there so she could always get names through them. Argg....am I being unreasonable? The good thing is after my panic attack and me crying that no one was helping me FI agreed to go to mall with me to pick out his tux. (First thing he has helped with and the wedding is less than 4 months away

maybe crying helps

)

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Thanks Virginia. I know I shouldn''t blame my sister. It is totally my fault but I just expected her to help more since she said she would. She actually was looking for more to do and was upset my mom''s friend and aunt were throwing my shower. It is so frusterating.

I was calling videographers when our power went out so that is when it got to be too much for me to handle. My FI did offer to help me find a DJ but he is all talk (and I was crying at them time so I think he would have said anything to please me) but I will believe it when I see him with the phone in his hand. I just feel like there is SO much more to do and it is all me. I am so jealous with all of the FIs that actually HELP! Having a show up groom just gets old really fast. But I feel better now that the tuxes are picked out at least. Oh, and I had to get some candy at one of those mall candy stores that has every kind you can imagine of course! Some people drink, I reach for the chocolate

 

[sosst7]

I am sorry to hear about your videographer and DJ situation and I don''t think you are being a bridezilla at all. I would totally be upset if I were in your shoes. It''s really hard to depend on someone else (even family) because they seem to work on their own time schedule, I know from experience this can be very frustrating.

I am not sure where you looked, but have you checked out Craigslist? There should be some good options available and I have faith that everything will work out. Don''t worry, my FI isn''t much help either! He still hasn''t bought our bands yet and it''s only 3.5 weeks away!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Oh sosst7 we need to start a support club! I hate nagging him and he was flipping a house for the last 2 months and FINALLY is finished so only now does he have some free time but I had to help him with the guest list for his bachelor party! That is just NOT normal

He has never seen our venue or met with ANY of our venders. He actually asked if he has to go with me to get our marriage license and he was NOT JOKING!!!!

I wouldn''t be surprised if he didn''t know our wedding date. Okay, maybe I went over board with that one. I am usually cool about it but I just hit the wall today.

 

[princessv]

Oh Tacori I am so sorry! If there is anything I can do to help just remember I''ll be in Charlotte soon (and I really do mean that)

 

[diamondfan]

Tacori, I agree it will all work itself out...but, I also agree that your sister would have been better off saying she could not help to the degree you thought she could...it is better to just say, Hey, I can do such and such but that is it, I do not want you counting on me or relying on me and I do not deliver"...I think that is better than not coming through, because even with the best of intentions, no bride wants to find out in the clinch that something has been overlooked, something you would have and could have dealt with if you knew you needed to...good luck and take a deep breath...it does all come together in the end!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/17/2006 10:38:39 PM
Author: Princess V
Oh Tacori I am so sorry! If there is anything I can do to help just remember I''ll be in Charlotte soon (and I really do mean that)

PV- I got teary when I read your response because I know you do mean it. I am continuely amazed by the kindness of "strangers". Thank you!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/17/2006 10:46:10 PM
Author: diamondfan
Tacori, I agree it will all work itself out...but, I also agree that your sister would have been better off saying she could not help to the degree you thought she could...it is better to just say, Hey, I can do such and such but that is it, I do not want you counting on me or relying on me and I do not deliver''...I think that is better than not coming through, because even with the best of intentions, no bride wants to find out in the clinch that something has been overlooked, something you would have and could have dealt with if you knew you needed to...good luck and take a deep breath...it does all come together in the end!

Thank you! I guess I forgot this is how my sister is. We are opposites. I like to get things done right away. I sent my thank you notes for my shower the DAY I got back home. My FSIL was cute. She said "I didn''t know the bride did that kind of stuff" Ha ha, little does she know! I know it will be great and fine and we will find SOMEONE. It is just frusterating sometimes to be so far from the wedding site and feel like I have no support at home. The good news is I went to our photographer''s site to see if they suggested venders (some people do which is cool) and their prices have gone up $700! We booked them in Aug 2005. That''s a lot in less than a year!

 

[FireGoddess]

I think a well shed tear does wonders for getting people off their duffs...

I also think that people have no idea the stress a bride is under unless they''ve gone through it themselves...and if it''s been awhile, those people forget too! Just try to do what you can and remain as calm as you can....maybe get yourself a punching bag.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Thanks FG! It certainly worked with my FI. I have spent the night e-mailing different DJ and videography companies so HOPEFULLY someone will be open for my wedding date. I think my sister is fired from her jobs! She obviously does not have the same sense of urgency as I do.

 

[zhuzhu]

{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

You still have some time to get replacement. Just be firm and express your expectations clearly. Sometimes family mean well but just don''t perform as "professionaly" as hired help do. Be patient and delegate the task to another.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/17/2006 11:25:52 PM
Author: zhuzhu
{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}


You still have some time to get replacement. Just be firm and express your expectations clearly. Sometimes family mean well but just don''t perform as ''professionaly'' as hired help do. Be patient and delegate the task to another.

Thanks zhuzhu! Hugs right back at ya! I posted in your stressed thread. At least with all this stress maybe I will lose those last (stubborn) 5 lbs!

 

[princessv]

Date: 4/17/2006 10:59:13 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring

Date: 4/17/2006 10:38:39 PM
Author: Princess V
Oh Tacori I am so sorry! If there is anything I can do to help just remember I''ll be in Charlotte soon (and I really do mean that)

PV- I got teary when I read your response because I know you do mean it. I am continuely amazed by the kindness of ''strangers''. Thank you!

I know how stressful wedding planning can be and I''m just in the beginning stages

...I can only imagine what it must be like for you already..don''t worry we''ll catch up and vent to each other this summer at least!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/17/2006 11:54:27 PM
Author: Princess V

Date: 4/17/2006 10:59:13 PM

Author: Tacori E-ring

Date: 4/17/2006 10:38:39 PM

Author: Princess V

Oh Tacori I am so sorry! If there is anything I can do to help just remember I''ll be in Charlotte soon (and I really do mean that)

PV- I got teary when I read your response because I know you do mean it. I am continuely amazed by the kindness of ''strangers''. Thank you!

I know how stressful wedding planning can be and I''m just in the beginning stages

...I can only imagine what it must be like for you already..don''t worry we''ll catch up and vent to each other this summer at least!

Deal! Honestly though it has been pretty easy so far. It just hit the fan today. I guess Virginia is right. I went almost 11 months without too much stress so I guess I am due.

I am sure this is only the first in a series of melt-downs.

 

[princessv]

Hey Tacori how about we start planning our Charlotte get together how''s the week of May 8th?

I''ll be there for you to vent to if you have anymore frustrations!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/18/2006 12:22:22 AM
Author: Princess V
Hey Tacori how about we start planning our Charlotte get together how''s the week of May 8th?

I''ll be there for you to vent to if you have anymore frustrations!

Sounds good. Maybe we should post something under hang-out. MINE seemed interested.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Chocolate, wine, whatever helps you get through the stress- do it, girl!!

Seriously, I really feel for you. Your sister dropping the ball just sucks.

On a scale of 1-10, my FI scores a 6 (so far) for wedding planning involvement. He gets excited about some things but not others. And then he randomly questions things he had no opinion on when I first brought them up! UGH!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Thanks ChargerGrrl. FI was really cool with my melt down. He was sweet and sincerely felt bad instead of rolling his eyes and telling me I was freaking out about nothing (which is what I expected) which just reminds me how much I want to spend my life with him. The sad thing is I don''t think my sister even KNOWS she dropped the ball.

 

[princessv]

Ok for when May 12th or May 13th? (Friday or Saturday??) I''m good for either one of those days?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/18/2006 11:26:34 AM
Author: Princess V
Ok for when May 12th or May 13th? (Friday or Saturday??) I''m good for either one of those days?

Me too! I started a thread in hang-out. Might just be the two of us though!

 

[meepcat]

Hm, maybe you should talk to her about how important being a MOH is to YOU, and find out if she will oblige, or if she is just in it for the title. Some ladies I know, will do anything for their girlfriends, even if they aren''t in the bridal party. Sometimes being an MOH or B is a badge of honour. But it''s just a title. Your best friends may not be in the wedding party, but they certainly can help you out. After all, you''d help them too, if they were in a bind.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/18/2006 2:30:42 PM
Author: meepcat
Hm, maybe you should talk to her about how important being a MOH is to YOU, and find out if she will oblige, or if she is just in it for the title. Some ladies I know, will do anything for their girlfriends, even if they aren''t in the bridal party. Sometimes being an MOH or B is a badge of honour. But it''s just a title. Your best friends may not be in the wedding party, but they certainly can help you out. After all, you''d help them too, if they were in a bind.

I don''t think my sister has ever been in a wedding before so I guess she just doesn''t know what to do. In my mind I basically fired her from any important dutys. She is obviously not taking this seriously which really hurts my feelings because she is my sister. At the same time I know she is not trying to be lazy on purpose, it is just who she is. I found three available djs and at least one videographer. So I feel MUCH better now.

Thanks for all who responded with their support!

 

[meepcat]

Being an MOH or B put a huge rift between my sister and I. It''s not one I began, but one she continues (and has for 5 years). She refuses to speak to me, since I hurt her feelings with something (I can''t even remember, and she won''t explain) related to being the MOH or B at my wedding in 2001. It''s not my problem anymore, because I do try to talk to her. She just has a misconception of what''s right and wrong, and she''s very unforgiving.

I had the mindset that my sister could be my MOH or B, because she''s my sister. She complained, "we aren''t even close," and I thought, "well, then let''s get closer!" She refused. Her problem, not mine. But it deeply hurt me. I couldn''t understand why she would do that, and why she would continue to act this way. Still, I''ve forgiven her, but she hasn''t (and I have no idea why, after 5 years).

My impressions of what an MOH and B have changed -- I want my MOH to be a reliable, responsible, and communicative person. Someone to whom I can speak truthfully to. Someone, who will probably receive my engagement ring, since my BF wants to ship it out of state (taxes). Someone I can trust, will have my best interests in mind. My B''s, however, will have less responsibilities, but still need to be the ladies that I can rely upon for matters that I don''t feel like planning. For that, I can''t choose my MOH or B solely based on how close we are, but rather, how committed she''ll be.

 

[saturn]

Awwww.... Tacori, I''m so sorry to hear about your troubles.
But it sounds like you''ve worked through them and things are back on track.

I sort of panicked a little the other day when I realized that we only have 4 months before the wedding! While I know in my head that we are mostly on track, it just seems like there is so little time left!

Glad to hear that your FI offered to help you out with some of the planning. I pretty much didn''t expect any help from my FI, but lately he has been a lot more helpful.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 4/17/2006 11:39:20 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring

Date: 4/17/2006 11:25:52 PM
Author: zhuzhu
{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}


You still have some time to get replacement. Just be firm and express your expectations clearly. Sometimes family mean well but just don''t perform as ''professionaly'' as hired help do. Be patient and delegate the task to another.

Thanks zhuzhu! Hugs right back at ya! I posted in your stressed thread. At least with all this stress maybe I will lose those last (stubborn) 5 lbs!

Tacori, remember when I posted about my losing like 7 pounds the week before my wedding?

I''m really sorry to hear your sister/MOH let you down about the videographer thing. I hope that this is the very worst thing you''ll have to deal with, because at least there''s hope the situation can be saved. Just hang in there and try to focus on the end result--that no matter what, this day you''re planning will be the beginning of a happy, brand-new life.

Definitely talk to your FI and tell him you need a little help! Sometimes I think we gals want to be able to do it all, but it is so much stress trying to do it all yourself. Maybe if you give him a list of things you really need his help with he will take it seriously and get things accomplished--sometimes I have to give my DH a "friendly reminder" list of things that need to be done/bills that need to be paid, etc. with due dates and he seems to pay more attention to them. Just a thought. Tell him how much you love him and how much you want to make this wedding wonderful for him, too--it always helps if you stroke their ego, IMO!

I remember getting a huge compliment from my husband a month or so after the wedding--we were just talking one night and he said, "you know, you really did a great job putting everything together and I love hearing compliments from my friends...I couldn''t have done all the things you did and made it so beautiful" (I''m totally paraphrasing, but you get the idea). I was really touched that he''d noticed everything and knew that I went through all that stress for a reason--him, and the sake of our lifelong memories!

I''m in your corner, Tacori--we''re china twins, after all, lol!!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

meepcat- I am sorry to hear about the situation with your sister! How horrible! I don''t think things will get that bad but I do think we need to have a sisterly chat. I am just disappointed. She also got all weird because I mentioned I wanted the BM''s hair up. She said she hates her hair up which really surprises me because she has never had her hair professionally done in an updo. I just dropped the subject because I didn''t want to be a bridezilla but isn''t that a normal request?


Saturn- I know less than four months! Arggg....he did offer to help and felt really bad I was so sad. He even said something this morning about it. I think he is starting to see how stressful planning a wedding can be. At least we got the tux done (The FIRST wedding thing he helped with...so funny!)

Monarch- You are right. I hope this is the worse thing that happens. I found ONE videographer and he is sending me a sample. I am REALLY picky when it comes to stuff like that (since I am a designer) so if I hate it and I can''t find someone else I might just forgo the idea all together. Obviously the no DJ is more important.

I did make FI a list of ten things that he needs to do before or for the wedding. (ie apply for passport, order wedding band, help write the ceremony...) He kind of rolled his eyes which pissed me off because I have a million things to do and I just asked him to do ten but I forgive him. I know he is excited to marry me (spend the rest of my life with me) but not about the actual wedding and that is okay. (CAN''T WAIT TO START GETTING CHINA!)

 

[Tacori E-ring]

UPDATE:
I finally talked to me sister today (I wanted to wait because she went away with her boyfriend and I didn''t want to spoil the mood) The conversation was HORRIBLE. She basically told me it is not her wedding, not her problem, and to get over it now.

I was honestly speechless (and that does not happen often). I never attacked her or blamed her, I just simply told her how I was disappointed.

I HATE it when people tell me how to feel. It is one of the worse ways to get someone to get past a situation IMHO. I love her because she is my sister but right now I honestly don''t like her very much. If she had told me she was sorry sincerely (she did say it angerly) and asked what she could do to help me NOW I would have been fine. Oh, my sister and my mom are meeting with the DJ on Tuesday and she made it sound like she arranged it!!!

I let her know real quick I found him, researched him, and contacted him. WTF? Arggg! I was so upset I called me mom (which I probably shouldn''t have) and then she got angry....what a mess!

 

[selflove]

Oh sister, I can totally relate to you--you are not being unreasonable! When you delegate stuff to people who say they will help, the expectation is that they will follow through and you won''t have to be the one to pick up the pieces and make it all happen. ARGH!!! I totally feel for ya.

(((((hugs))))))

I swear, there are few people who understand how stressful planning all this crap is! I don''t have anyone helping me either.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/21/2006 1:00:52 PM
Author: selflove
Oh sister, I can totally relate to you--you are not being unreasonable! When you delegate stuff to people who say they will help, the expectation is that they will follow through and you won''t have to be the one to pick up the pieces and make it all happen. ARGH!!! I totally feel for ya.


(((((hugs))))))


I swear, there are few people who understand how stressful planning all this crap is! I don''t have anyone helping me either.

Thank you selflove. I have a tendency to over-react but I talked it out with so many people and they all agreed that I had the right to feel hurt and frusterated. The fact that not only did she ignore the things she said she would do but that she was so angry and unreasable when I confronted her. She totally passed the blame onto me. I find that more upsetting than not having my wedding details done. My wedding is just one day but she will be my sister forever.

I am so sorry you are going through similar stress. (((hugs))) right back at ya!

 

[saturn]

So sorry, Tacori.

It kind of sound to me like your sister may know that she dropped the ball, and be acting very defensively because she is embarassed about it and doesn''t want to admit it. Not that I expect that helps much...

Sisters can be so hard to deal with. I love my sister, but there are times when she can just make me nuts! It''s such a complicated relationship - a mixture of trust and competition, love and anger, friendship and jealousy, familiarity and disappointment. Just try to give both of you a little time to cool off.

I totally agree that you are in the right here. If your sister says that she will take care of something, then you should be able to trust her. However, she is still your sister and you don''t want to ruin the relationship.