Have you ever lost interest in keeping in touch, for no good reason?

[CJ2008]

Happy 2009 everyone.

I''m wondering if you guys ever lost interest in keeping in touch with someone for no particular reason other than just not wanting to bother. I have a situation like that now and I feel weird about it because the friendship didn''t need much upkeep in the first place. I have this one guy that I''ve known for decades, nice guy and everything, but I feel like if we kept in touch here and there via email I''d be OK with that. I had no interest in inviting him to my wedding last year but I felt incredibly guilty about it because he mentioned wanting to come and definitely did not sound happy that he was not invited, even though he tried to fake being OK with it. We haven''t talked since the wedding and now he sent me a Christmas card, texted me on New Year''s and sent me an e-card as well saying that the misses me - I replied to his text out of courtesy mostly, to wish him a Happy New Year as well, but I''m not sure I want to reignite whatever little communication we did have. The truth is through the years he''s done more to keep the frienship going than I have - I feel guilty that I''m willing to just let it go after knowing him for so long.

So I guess my real general question is, are you good with keeping in touch with people, or are you lazy? And if you''re lazy, do you feel guilty about it, or do you not care?

 

[fieryred33143]

I''m lazy and I sometimes feel bad about it but most of the times I''m too lazy to care.

I have a few friends I met through grad school that are just great people. The problem is that they all moved to other areas so our main point of contact is through phone. I hate talking on the phone, I hate listening to messages, and I hate calling people. The best way to get through to Fiery is via email or text messages but a lot of people find that is too impersonal. So...I ignore

I have other friends that I''ve kind of been waiting for the moment where we just stop communicating. Its not because I didn''t enjoy their friendship but it was too much of a task to be their friend. One in particular is a male friend that lives about 1 hour away. When he and I would get together to say hello I''d have to drive somewhere far (even if we met halfway) and then it ended up being an all day thing since I drove all that way. Then once he had his baby it was a lot of me driving all the way there to see him, his wife, and the baby. It was just way too much. I still send them Christmas cards and what not but no more hanging out.

 

[CJ2008]

fiery - how funny - I left this out of my original post, but I also hate the phone...

 

[princesss]

Yeah, there''s actually somebody right now I don''t really feel like making an effort to communicate with. He is a nice guy, but I''ve kind of grown apart from him, and he seems to need me to be the same person I was when we started hanging out (when I was 14!). But a lot of friends have dropped him recently, and he''s having a tough time, and I can''t seem to do the same. I don''t know why. I guess, ultimately, that I still care about him and don''t want to hurt him. I just don''t want to have to make an effort. That''s probably pretty terrible. But that''s how it is.

I''ve let a lot of friendships fade away over time, but really, there have only been a few that I''ve actively wanted to let drop, and usually it''s because the other person seems to not want to. At that point, I kind of make it longer and longer between communications and see what happens.

 

[EricaR]

I had a friend who I liked, but the upkeep on our friendship seemed to be more than the friendship was worth. (How horrible do I sound?!?!) Something happened between us that officially severed thing and you know what? I don''t miss her! Not one bit. Sometimes I miss having someone to gab with when I''m driving in the car but in no way do I actually miss the person she is/was.

I also have a group of friends from college that I''m sort of curious about, but not enough to make a full blown friendship. Those are people I have as "friends" as Facebook so I can see at a glance what they are up to. Occasionally we''ll send a message back and forth but beyond that it is totally effortless.

 

[CJ2008]

as you guys post other thoughts come to mind...and I swear I AM working in between!

princesss, when you mentioned about the other person not wanting to drop the friendship, I wonder if it''s the same I felt with the card, and then the text message, and then the ecard...it felt like too much...and I feel bad not acknwledging and replying to the "miss ya" in kind, but I can''t truly say that I miss him...

 

[onedrop]

Wow! I am glad to learn I am not alone in not being a phone person. I haven''t always been this way, but in the last few years, I have just gradually become less and less fond of talking on the phone a lot. Luckily most of my close friends have recognized that, and don''t hold it against me. Admittedly though, some friendly connections have probably faded because I don''t call people much and I feel terrible about it. Which is why I am resolving to call a lot more than I have been.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I don''t like the phone too much either.

I think sometimes if you aren''t particularly close to someone, having a long distance friendship seems a bit pointless. I wouldn''t worry about it too much.

 

[Tuckins1]

Yes I have. I feel that it''s less lazy and more like "Why bother because I am the one who is always doing the work- calling, e-mailing, etc..." It got to feel more like work than a friendly relationship, so i''m done.

 

[CJ2008]

tuckins - well, it seems you''re the person on the OTHER side of the lazy person...you''re the one initiating the communication all the time. In my case, I''m the lazy one...

There was one friendship I left back in NY where I was often doing more of the initiating - the last time we emailed she had told me she would call me when she got back from a trip to LA - it''s been about a year since I''ve heard from her. So I''m done. Not in a bad way - if she emailed me I would respond, etc. - but I''m done initiating.

So guys - the friendships that work - the ones that keep going - what''s different about those as far as communication? Is it that there''s a "match" as to how often each expects to hear from the other, etc.?

 

[joflier]

I''m rather phone-phobic, so staying in touch isn''t easy for me at all. But usually if there''s someone that I do keep in touch with, and suddenly want to stop, there is a reason for it.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I''m also not a huge fan of the phone, but I use it as needed.

I think its less a question of how often, what form, etc...the communication takes and more a question of how important a role the person is actually capable of playing in your life. It sounds like you don''t have any real connection with this person anymore, so I think if that''s the case, you are both best off just cutting your losses (in a friendly manner) and moving on.

I have friends that I talk to at least once a week and friends that I talk to every six months or less, and I''m closer to some of the friends in the latter category - has nothing to do with how often we talk, it has to do with shared history, values, and a certain intangible connection that I strongly believe will always be there (and after 15+ years I feel confident saying that).

 

[CJ2008]

AG - I think you hit the nail on the head - it's about the connection. And to tell you the truth I never quite felt a big "connection" with this person, although there was a period in my life when we talked a lot more often and shared a lot of my personal life details - but this was many, many years ago. I was a lot younger, single, and a different person in many ways. I wish him the best, I really do, but it's almost uncomfortable for me to hear things like "miss ya" because I just don't feel the same way...I thought he wasn't going to contact me again because it has been almost 8 months or so since we talked but now I get this little "flood" of communication, and I'm like, what do I do with this?

ETA: just to add to that, the connection is probably what keeps friendships going. When there's a real connection I think there's more of a genuine interest and effort on BOTH parts to keep the friendship going. And you're right, it's not about the how often at that point...there's just a connection.

 

[Steel]

CJ, I see you posting around recently and I wonder if we would get on in real life? Call me sometime, or you could come visit, or write, we could go shopping or for coffee?

I find I am just anti-social these days. For the most part I have been let down by people I trust so I tend to keep to myself. It takes a firecracker and a match closely associated with my bottom to find me visiting somebody (does visiting the doctor or dentist count?), hell even returning a call. I have an outgoing only home-phone; I ask you to beat that for anti sociability, oh and I live in the middle of nowhere. I should make my house out of gingerbread and call it done! (Joke!)

The only downside is that sometimes I wonder how my old friends are doing, I miss them. But I know if I did make contact again I would just lose interest all over again.

Thank goodness for PS.

 

[coatimundi_org]

I''ve had some friends for a long time, and time just isn''t a good enough reason for me to maintain friendships with them. 2 in particular I have nothing in common with except...time. I felt a little guilty at first, but life''s too short--I want to use my time wisely with folks I really love and enjoy.

 

[bee*]

I''m not a phone person either and I can definitely get lazy contacting people. Sometimes I really just don''t want to make the effort.

 

[CJ2008]

Well, it seems that many of us don''t like the phone and can be lazy with keeping in touch with people.

I''ve never been the type to have a lot friends - I find that the more people in your life, the more social obligations, and I hate those! When I was much younger I was part of a group of about 20 girls and there was always something going on! Somebody''s birthday, somebody''s pregnant, somebody''s getting married - I think I''m making up for all those things I had to attend back then!

So - how many friends right now are you actively and happily keeping in touch with?

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 1/2/2009 2:18:12 PM
Author: Steel

CJ, I see you posting around recently and I wonder if we would get on in real life? Call me sometime, or you could come visit, or write, we could go shopping or for coffee?

I find I am just anti-social these days. For the most part I have been let down by people I trust so I tend to keep to myself. It takes a firecracker and a match closely associated with my bottom to find me visiting somebody (does visiting the doctor or dentist count?), hell even returning a call. I have an outgoing only home-phone; I ask you to beat that for anti sociability, oh and I live in the middle of nowhere. I should make my house out of gingerbread and call it done! (Joke!)

The only downside is that sometimes I wonder how my old friends are doing, I miss them. But I know if I did make contact again I would just lose interest all over again.

Thank goodness for PS.

OK Steel, I''ll call you and we''ll hang out. ahahahah

 

[tlh]

Have you ever seen this guy NAKED? If so, giggle a little and move on.

But, I always felt like if a guy was friends with you... and was the one doing all the work towards the friendship- it is because he secretly harbours a genuine interest in you... a hookup gone bad; ie, he tried to be your man, and you bannished him to the friendzone where he lays in purgatory. If you aren''t really interested in maintaining a friendship... shoot him an email response to his phone calls or whatever--- and just keep it within 3 sentances... "sorry, things are just soo busy with me right now! Hope all is great with you! I''ll catch back up with later when I have more time!"

Yeah, I feel ya... especially when it is like you haven''t talked in a long time, and now there is a serious case of the static cling! I just bounce! OMG I am such a dork! So that is just my $0.02

Happy New Year!

 

[CJ2008]

tlh, you crack me up - no, I''ve never seen this guy NAKED! We really always just been friends. I never got the inkling that he wanted more than that with me though...

I did keep my text back to him really short...but I''m thinking I''ll ignore the rest of his attempts. I just think it will lead to a phone call from him and I think that will be harder to ignore...

 

[Lorelei]

It happened once with someone I had known for years, we just outgrew one another, no animosity.

 

[Steel]

Date: 1/2/2009 3:12:28 PM
Author: CJ2008

Date: 1/2/2009 2:18:12 PM
Author: Steel

CJ, I see you posting around recently and I wonder if we would get on in real life? Call me sometime, or you could come visit, or write, we could go shopping or for coffee?

I find I am just anti-social these days. For the most part I have been let down by people I trust so I tend to keep to myself. It takes a firecracker and a match closely associated with my bottom to find me visiting somebody (does visiting the doctor or dentist count?), hell even returning a call. I have an outgoing only home-phone; I ask you to beat that for anti sociability, oh and I live in the middle of nowhere. I should make my house out of gingerbread and call it done! (Joke!)

The only downside is that sometimes I wonder how my old friends are doing, I miss them. But I know if I did make contact again I would just lose interest all over again.

Thank goodness for PS.

OK Steel, I''ll call you and we''ll hang out. ahahahah

I''ll go wait by the phone...

 

[tlh]

hmm that is right... you already texted him back.. so yeah, he probably will phone you. Just let him fade away... how does that saying go? they never die... they just fade away... oh well, I'd probably muck it up anyway.
or did I just do that?

darn, I think I did.

So yeah, ditto that- just kinda let it fade. I am sure he'll bounce back when and if-ever you wanted to resume a friendship... but seeing that you're married, he'll probably take a hint... I mean, NO ONE wants to be that crazy person that is doing ALL the calling... I mean, sometimes you want a little return on your love! (well not you... him) So I agree with EricaR and Tuckins1.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 1/2/2009 1:58:41 PM
Author: CJ2008
AG - I think you hit the nail on the head - it''s about the connection. And to tell you the truth I never quite felt a big ''connection'' with this person, although there was a period in my life when we talked a lot more often and shared a lot of my personal life details - but this was many, many years ago. I was a lot younger, single, and a different person in many ways. I wish him the best, I really do, but it''s almost uncomfortable for me to hear things like ''miss ya'' because I just don''t feel the same way...I thought he wasn''t going to contact me again because it has been almost 8 months or so since we talked but now I get this little ''flood'' of communication, and I''m like, what do I do with this?


ETA: just to add to that, the connection is probably what keeps friendships going. When there''s a real connection I think there''s more of a genuine interest and effort on BOTH parts to keep the friendship going. And you''re right, it''s not about the how often at that point...there''s just a connection.

I think you''ve got your answer right there - don''t feel too guilty, its not something that can be "helped" it just is, and you are really saving both of you grief by politely but firmly distancing yourself.

 

[CJ2008]

tlh, you''re so funny.

Well, I''m not even opening the ecard - he has a knack for words and probably said a lot in there that will be emotional and how much he cares about the friendship...so I don''t want to feel guiltier after I read it or feel obligated to respond in kind.

He has met my DH, one time he was in town and we met up for lunch...

Like you said - maybe after some time passes if he contacts me again I might feel differently.

 

[tlh]

Yay, I made you laugh! Eh, you are worrying too much! Sounds to me like you need to rollup in those fuzzy jammies, eat some "spoon" (it is a flavored frozen yogurt) and watch a good girlie movie...

I bet your hubby would love it if you took some of your guilt out on him

I hope that was not too forward!

 

[CJ2008]

AG - I think my guilt comes from me feeling like this not just about him, but about MOST people! I can take them or leave them most of the time. I feel like my whole life I have tried to have LESS people I know so I don't have to go to any birthday parties or christmas parties or whatever parties. I do think a lot of that trauma comes from when I was growing up, with 20 girls that always had something going on. And then I look at my DH, who keeps in touch with everyone...but then he doesn't mind the phone - he actually answers it and talks on it and doesn't mind when it rings. Something I cannot comprehend. ahahah I hear the ring and I'm like "what could this person POSSIBLY want?" And then it takes me like 3 days to get up the energy to call back...while all the time hoping it will be a quick conversation, or better yet, that I get their voicemail so then I can resort to email because I couldn't catch them.

Steel, can you identify with any of this?

 

[CJ2008]

tlh - yes, you did!

But don''t worry - seriously, I''m not worrying too much. Just venting my guilt out on you guys, enjoying hearing that other people can be a little lazy sometimes too, and absolutely amused with the fact that some have the same antisocial thoughts as me!

What''s weird is that I am a very friendly person - so you''d never guess I consider myself antisocial. I enjoy talking with people - but if they start wanting to talk all the time, or making me feel guilty for not spending enough time with them, or that I don''t call them, or that I don''t stay long enough when I go to a party, etc., I start to back away.

I have enough with my MOM telling me all those things! haha

 

[tlh]

I can, hah! I have a ringtone for my hubby, my momma, and my bro. My best 2 girlie friends have one too... then there is the one for everyone else. If I dont recognize the ring tone... i dont answer, nor do I listen to the vm either! hah

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 1/2/2009 11:00:57 AM
Author: fieryred33143
I''m lazy and I sometimes feel bad about it but most of the times I''m too lazy to care.


I have a few friends I met through grad school that are just great people. The problem is that they all moved to other areas so our main point of contact is through phone. I hate talking on the phone, I hate listening to messages, and I hate calling people. The best way to get through to Fiery is via email or text messages but a lot of people find that is too impersonal. So...I ignore

I have other friends that I''ve kind of been waiting for the moment where we just stop communicating. Its not because I didn''t enjoy their friendship but it was too much of a task to be their friend. One in particular is a male friend that lives about 1 hour away. When he and I would get together to say hello I''d have to drive somewhere far (even if we met halfway) and then it ended up being an all day thing since I drove all that way. Then once he had his baby it was a lot of me driving all the way there to see him, his wife, and the baby. It was just way too much. I still send them Christmas cards and what not but no more hanging out.

Almost exactly the same for me

I HATE talking on the phone - the only ones I make an effort for (phone-wise) are my family and my BF. Unfortunately, my best friends from high school all live about 2000 miles away, and we all have very different lives (one is doing some research work in psych, one is finishing up her undergrad in elem. ed and planning her wedding, one is working for a political campaign in CA, and i''m in law school). I was really good the first couple years of college about keeping in touch - I would call my friends a lot and we''d chat about our lives, but my last year, I just kind of stopped. For one, once I stopped, nobody really made the effort, which was annoying, and two, I was so stressed out that year from my thesis and applying to law schools, etc.

Of course the problem is I''m MOH in my friend''s wedding...but I feel really bad because we haven''t been that close in the last couple years, and when I get married, it''s pretty likely that neither of my two friends from HS will be my MOH...which I think will be a problem

But I definitely need to be better this year about things - I''ve been kind of lazy this past fall even with law school friends (you know, it''s ALWAYS the same things we talk about...school....) but I think a break was what was needed (I go to a REALLY small school - definitely such a thing as over-exposure to...everyone...)