Have you ever lost interest in keeping in touch, for no good reason?

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 1/2/2009 5:07:29 PM
Author: tlh
I can, hah! I have a ringtone for my hubby, my momma, and my bro. My best 2 girlie friends have one too... then there is the one for everyone else. If I dont recognize the ring tone... i dont answer, nor do I listen to the vm either! hah

Haha me too! I''m glad I''m not the only one!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am really bad at keeping in touch. So some of it is laziness I guess. Other times we just grow apart or at different places in our lives. Part of me does feel sad when the friend has been close but I really think some relationships fizzle out for sure. It''s sad how it is easier to lose a friend than make a friend.

 

[tlh]

Wow, Tacori... that is sooo true!

CJ... is this why you are feeling guilty?

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 1/2/2009 6:02:35 PM
Author: tlh
Wow, Tacori... that is sooo true!

CJ... is this why you are feeling guilty?

Hmmmm...no. hahahaha Well, sort of. I guess I feel guilty over how easily I can let a "friendship" go sometimes.

I think sometimes we use the word friendship too lightly though...

 

[elrohwen]

I have come to really appreciate the friends who require no maintenance, but are happy to accept you if you get together. My major in college was fairly small and very closely knit. I don''t talk to the vast majority of them anymore (I have regular contact with maybe 3 out of 65, 4 if you count my FI who was also in the major). However, we can get together with a group of them and it''s as if nothing ever split us apart. I know I could call any of them and stay at their house or something if needed. Those are the friends I like. We all understand that we don''t have time to keep in touch, but we don''t hold that against each other.

I keep in touch with my two best friends regularly and my four best friends from high school because we all have blogs together and update about our lives. I actually love the blog thing because you can vent about whatever you want and you know someone is out there reading it who loves you and wants to know what''s going on in your life.

Other than that, I just don''t have time to keep in touch by phone with more than a very small number of people. It''s tough! But I think most people understand that and don''t really mind if you don''t keep in constant communication. My best friend and I won''t talk for a month (we''re on opposite coasts and it''s hard to coordinate times to talk) but when we do talk we go on for like an hour as if we didn''t miss a beat. I know she gets it that it''s not possible for me to talk all the time beause it''s not possible for her either.

 

[Itgirl76]

I do this a lot I hate to say...I just get bored with people (I know that really sounds bad) But I feel with a lot of people I am the one asking all the questions and making all the conversation and the other person doesn''t reciprocate...it''s annoying. So no I don''t feel guilty.

I also hate talking on the phone...I think it is a waste of time.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 1/2/2009 5:02:57 PM
Author: CJ2008
AG - I think my guilt comes from me feeling like this not just about him, but about MOST people! I can take them or leave them most of the time. I feel like my whole life I have tried to have LESS people I know so I don''t have to go to any birthday parties or christmas parties or whatever parties. I do think a lot of that trauma comes from when I was growing up, with 20 girls that always had something going on. And then I look at my DH, who keeps in touch with everyone...but then he doesn''t mind the phone - he actually answers it and talks on it and doesn''t mind when it rings. Something I cannot comprehend. ahahah I hear the ring and I''m like ''what could this person POSSIBLY want?'' And then it takes me like 3 days to get up the energy to call back...while all the time hoping it will be a quick conversation, or better yet, that I get their voicemail so then I can resort to email because I couldn''t catch them.

Steel, can you identify with any of this?

Honestly, I think if that is just your personality you shouldn''t feel guilty about it. I''m pretty selective about people I actually try to make and stay friends with. I''ve gotten much more outgoing and friendly in recent years, but really, there are not that many people I''m truly close to or that I go terribly far out of my way to really keep in my life. And I really wouldn''t feel guilty about that if I were you - as long as you feel fulfilled and happy, I think you just need to stick with what works for you.

 

[CJ2008]

Itgirl - that happens to me too - you''re not the only one. I''ve been in conversations with people where I found out all kinds of things about them and they didn''t ask ONE thing about me - not even what I do for a living.

AG - you''re right; I need to just accept myself more - that''s where the real battle is. I''ve just always been "the odd man out" in every group, the least social one, and I''ve always gotten flack for it, all my life. Even when I did show up at parties, it wasn''t good enough because I didn''t stay more than 2 or 3 hours - everyone always made such a big deal. I''ve gotten more outgoing and friendly since meeting my DH (he''s extra outgoing and friendly, so I had to step up a little) but I too am VERY selective about who I go out of my way for. I also think that the fact that I work for myself now and I get to spend LOADS of time alone helps give me more energy for when I am with others.

The truth is I feel a bit of a relief thinking I won''t have to hear from this person anymore...so I''m just going to let it go and be OK with it. I just have a feeling he will continue to try to contact me, that he''s not just going to go away.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think that''s a very good decisions CJ - it sounds like you are working on coming to peace with who you are, and I really think that''s a good thing. I think that there are people who just really need time alone to re-charge, and it sounds like you are one of those people (I am too, so I know how it feels). Best of luck - I hope that this person takes your polite but firm hints and backs off a bit.

 

[Apsara]

The replies on this thread are really encouraging--I used to always felt badly about letting go of a friendship--often, it was either too much work or we just had less and less in common (which = too much work because conversations become work because it takes effort). but as I have gotten older, I realize that people come in to your life at different times, then exit, then new people come in. A person is lucky to have one or two really good friends that will stick with her for the long haul. And that''s ok!!! I am grateful for the great friendships I have had in my life, even if they weren''t forever. Each one has taught me something, even the bad ones, and I don''t regret any one of them.

Footnote: I admit--I am lazy also. I am not into driving long distances to see poeple and I HATE talking on the phone.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 1/3/2009 3:10:46 PM
Author: Apsara
The replies on this thread are really encouraging--I used to always felt badly about letting go of a friendship--often, it was either too much work or we just had less and less in common (which = too much work because conversations become work because it takes effort). but as I have gotten older, I realize that people come in to your life at different times, then exit, then new people come in. A person is lucky to have one or two really good friends that will stick with her for the long haul. And that''s ok!!! I am grateful for the great friendships I have had in my life, even if they weren''t forever. Each one has taught me something, even the bad ones, and I don''t regret any one of them.

Footnote: I admit--I am lazy also. I am not into driving long distances to see poeple and I HATE talking on the phone.

1. Oh no, we''re all going to walk away from this thread MORE antisocial and lazy! haha
2. Me neither - and it''s funny you mention that because this particular person had moved away a few years back and every time he came back into the state he would call me to see if we could meet up which would always involve at least 1/2 hour drive. In the many years he was away we met up maybe twice because of the drive/effort. And also because it seemed every time he came into town he would always have to find people to stay over with and to drive him around and to/from the airport, which I thought was a little annoying. I understand not having a lot of $ but I would never expect (or want, actually) for everyone to have to "take care of me" every time I came into town.

It''s weird - I''m starting to realize I was never crazy about having this friendship in my life...as a matter of fact I remember feeling a little pressured by his mom (that''s how I met him, she was my co-worker) to be friends with him. And I was so young, and not wanting to hurt anyone''s feelings I kind of "gave in" to being his friend even though I wasn''t particularly interested.

 

[CharmyPoo]

I think the best friendships are the ones that are almost effortless. I have known one of my bestfirends (I am her MOH) for 12 years. For the last 7 years, I have seen her at most once a year and talk by email / MSN once in a while. Our friendship is so low maintenance yet whenever we see each other - it is like there has been no gap at all. I believe this is the type of ever lasting relationship.

Now, on to your situation. I hate to admit that I am on the flip side (the annoying person that wants to keep the friendship going). My story is about one of my closest friends in University and have known each other for 10 years or so. We both made many scarfices for each other and we were always there for each other. We talked every day on the phone and we were each others first person to call when something happened. During all this time, I always had a boyfriend (various ones depending on when). I made time for him and did things for him because I cared. When he met his fiance about 3 years ago, we started to drift. He slowly stopped calling and we grew more and more distant. At first, I was furious and complained a lot to him as well as to our common friends and my boyfriend. I let him know how hurt I was because through out our friendship .. I always made time for him even when I had a guy in my life. I felt betrayed .. etc etc. Anyways, I am fine now and have accepted that this is the new friendship and people change. We are still invited to each other weddings and we know we can still call on each other in times of need. We just won''t be chatting on the phone every day or calling each other when something new happens in our life - I just needed some time to accept that I have been replaced.

Overall, this experience has made me think about how I treat others. I am really bad at maintaining friends - I am not the sensitive type to call and check up on people .. bake cookies and stuff. I am a great listener and provide actionable advice to help fix problems. I have left many people out of my life over the years and didn''t think twice about how they felt. Although I have not tried to mend any of the past friendships, I vow to treat my new friends better

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 1/3/2009 5:28:43 PM
Author: CharmyPoo
I think the best friendships are the ones that are almost effortless. I have known one of my bestfirends (I am her MOH) for 12 years. For the last 7 years, I have seen her at most once a year and talk by email / MSN once in a while. Our friendship is so low maintenance yet whenever we see each other - it is like there has been no gap at all. I believe this is the type of ever lasting relationship.

Now, on to your situation. I hate to admit that I am on the flip side (the annoying person that wants to keep the friendship going). My story is about one of my closest friends in University and have known each other for 10 years or so. We both made many scarfices for each other and we were always there for each other. We talked every day on the phone and we were each others first person to call when something happened. During all this time, I always had a boyfriend (various ones depending on when). I made time for him and did things for him because I cared. When he met his fiance about 3 years ago, we started to drift. He slowly stopped calling and we grew more and more distant. At first, I was furious and complained a lot to him as well as to our common friends and my boyfriend. I let him know how hurt I was because through out our friendship .. I always made time for him even when I had a guy in my life. I felt betrayed .. etc etc. Anyways, I am fine now and have accepted that this is the new friendship and people change. We are still invited to each other weddings and we know we can still call on each other in times of need. We just won't be chatting on the phone every day or calling each other when something new happens in our life - I just needed some time to accept that I have been replaced.

Overall, this experience has made me think about how I treat others. I am really bad at maintaining friends - I am not the sensitive type to call and check up on people .. bake cookies and stuff. I am a great listener and provide actionable advice to help fix problems. I have left many people out of my life over the years and didn't think twice about how they felt. Although I have not tried to mend any of the past friendships, I vow to treat my new friends better

I agree, Poo (

) For me, the less people ask of me/expect of me the more I am comfortable and therefore more giving. But when people try to become high maintenance I pull away.

I had a friend of mine the day before my wedding, in front of my sister and mom give this monologue how I'm always turning away help and pushing people away, that she always wants to help but that I don't really let her. All this because I kept the details of my wedding fairly private - I had no bridesmaids or anything like that - only my sister stood by my side at the altar. Throughout the wedding planning process she kept asking if she could help (she's out of the state, so it was more about do this or don't do this because she had already been through the process). I didn't really feel I needed help, and I always politely thanked her, and told her that she'd have to wait for the wedding to see the details. I thought it was pretty crappy of her to say these kinds of things the day before my wedding, in front of people she knew could very well agree with her and gang up on me - because I'm not the most open person, and yes, I don't often let people help me, especially if I smell strings attached. I said quite a few things back to that but I won't forget she did that to me.

I am also a great listener and people know that if they have a serious problem, or anything deep they need to talk about/find solutions to/share I give them my undivided attention, and am very trustworthy. But for every day chit-chat stuff and invitiations to all kinds of gatherings I have no interest in I am hard to find.

I can go weeks and months without talking to most people...

ETA: and, I have been on the OTHER side of things too - not to the degree that you have because our friendship wasn't THAT close and because I am way too scared of being THAT person. But I had a friend I had met through work (I was her supervisor) and we became friends, going out to dinner fairly often and really enjoying each other's company. When I moved away about 2.5 years ago I did most of the initiating the emails checking in on how she was, etc. - this wasn't often, but I'd say every couple of months - her responses were always fairly long (meaning they weren't 3-sentences compared to my 30) and she seemed genuinely excited I had written. However - if I didn't write, she didn't either. The last time we emailed she was on her way to L.A. and said she would call me when she got back - that was about one year ago. I could swallow my pride and just say hi but at the same time I feel that if there was genuine interest on her part a whole year would not go by. Now if I got an email from her tomorrow, though, I would try to put any "bad" feelings aside and just enjoy being in touch again. Because I realize that just like I do with OTHER people, the same could be done to me. And it hurts a little (we all think we're pretty great haha) but I understand that there may be times I'm more interested in a friendship than the other person is.

 

[Elmorton]

I think a rule for being friends with me is being able to pick up where we left off - even if it''s been months or years. I keep in touch with family but with friends, sometimes I just don''t have the energy to answer when I see number come on the screen. It''s awful I know, but I think my pals are a lot like me. We''re all pretty busy, but when we have the time, it''s good to hear from a friend.

 

[loriken214]

Date: 1/3/2009 3:10:46 PM
Author: Apsara
The replies on this thread are really encouraging--I used to always felt badly about letting go of a friendship--often, it was either too much work or we just had less and less in common (which = too much work because conversations become work because it takes effort). but as I have gotten older, I realize that people come in to your life at different times, then exit, then new people come in. A person is lucky to have one or two really good friends that will stick with her for the long haul. And that''s ok!!! I am grateful for the great friendships I have had in my life, even if they weren''t forever. Each one has taught me something, even the bad ones, and I don''t regret any one of them.

Footnote: I admit--I am lazy also. I am not into driving long distances to see poeple and I HATE talking on the phone.

AMEN....my thoughts exactly!

I just went through the "break up" of a friendship that began in 1981. This friend had a way of making me feel guilty for not "being there" for him each and every time he called me. We are both married to other people and live far apart, but tried to maintain our long time friendship that started as pen pals. He freaks out and calls me ugly names and tries to get me to apologize for not answering or returning his calls because he "urgently" needs me....I used to fall for this, but NO MORE. I told him that I would no longer take his abuse and we were no longer friends and to consider me DEAD. He was calling my bluff, but I got him!

During high school, college and my working life, I was always VERY social and had lots of friends...they always considered me a good listener and would tell me all sorts of things about themselves. It wasn''t always the same for me...some would let me share and some couldn''t care less. In 2002, I was diagnosed with SLE Lupus and became very ill. This made it physically hard for me to go and do like I was used to and some of my friends became MAD at me for it. Since then, I''ve become very sick from various illnesses and received a disability retirement from my job of 19 years. I''m 46 years old and am at home full time. Most of my work friends have called, emailed, written, etc. and I don''t want to be bothered. They really do care about me, but now that I''m away from them, I just want to be left alone. Does this make me selfish? I just think the friendships served their purpose while I was working with these people, but I''m not up to doing what it takes to maintain them now.

Lori

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 1/4/2009 7:20:08 AM
Author: loriken214

Date: 1/3/2009 3:10:46 PM
Author: Apsara
The replies on this thread are really encouraging--I used to always felt badly about letting go of a friendship--often, it was either too much work or we just had less and less in common (which = too much work because conversations become work because it takes effort). but as I have gotten older, I realize that people come in to your life at different times, then exit, then new people come in. A person is lucky to have one or two really good friends that will stick with her for the long haul. And that''s ok!!! I am grateful for the great friendships I have had in my life, even if they weren''t forever. Each one has taught me something, even the bad ones, and I don''t regret any one of them.

Footnote: I admit--I am lazy also. I am not into driving long distances to see poeple and I HATE talking on the phone.

AMEN....my thoughts exactly!

I just went through the ''break up'' of a friendship that began in 1981. This friend had a way of making me feel guilty for not ''being there'' for him each and every time he called me. We are both married to other people and live far apart, but tried to maintain our long time friendship that started as pen pals. He freaks out and calls me ugly names and tries to get me to apologize for not answering or returning his calls because he ''urgently'' needs me....I used to fall for this, but NO MORE. I told him that I would no longer take his abuse and we were no longer friends and to consider me DEAD. He was calling my bluff, but I got him!

During high school, college and my working life, I was always VERY social and had lots of friends...they always considered me a good listener and would tell me all sorts of things about themselves. It wasn''t always the same for me...some would let me share and some couldn''t care less. In 2002, I was diagnosed with SLE Lupus and became very ill. This made it physically hard for me to go and do like I was used to and some of my friends became MAD at me for it. Since then, I''ve become very sick from various illnesses and received a disability retirement from my job of 19 years. I''m 46 years old and am at home full time. Most of my work friends have called, emailed, written, etc. and I don''t want to be bothered. They really do care about me, but now that I''m away from them, I just want to be left alone. Does this make me selfish? I just think the friendships served their purpose while I was working with these people, but I''m not up to doing what it takes to maintain them now.

Lori

Lori, this was the same for me too...I found that I would listen to someone for hours, but when it was my turn to obssess about something, not everyone gave me the same in return...

I don''t even need that any more though - if I''m dealing with a problem/crisis, I go to therapy haha

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 1/4/2009 12:16:00 AM
Author: Elmorton
I think a rule for being friends with me is being able to pick up where we left off - even if it''s been months or years. I keep in touch with family but with friends, sometimes I just don''t have the energy to answer when I see number come on the screen. It''s awful I know, but I think my pals are a lot like me. We''re all pretty busy, but when we have the time, it''s good to hear from a friend.

Same here...it''s like, oh, man...especially those people that will talk and talk and talk. Although I''ve learned to say, "I''ve gotta go". One of my friends lately seems to want to keep me on the phone on purpose...knowing I don''t like it. A few times already we''ve had conversations that went on for 45 minutes. 45 minutes! There are about 10,000 things I would rather do. But because she''s pregnant, and we don''t talk often, I felt a little guilty so I would just take a deep breath. Next phone call, though, I am definitely saying that.

BTW - this morning, 5:02 a.m. I get a text from the same area code as the original guy friend I wrote about on this post saying "my bed is so much better than the couch". The # doesn''t match his cell, but unless it''s a weird coincidence (I don''t have any other friends in that area code) I''m sure it''s him...I swear, I hope he doesn''t start bombarding me with messages.

 

[Po10472]

What I want from a friendship is different to what I wanted/needed 10 or 20 years ago. I used to feel really guilty about not keeping in touch with friends but now I look at from a ''what am I getting from this'' relationship angle. Besides, they don''t exactly keep in touch with me either. Its a 2-way process. Good friends will be there for you and not get pissy when you don''t talk to them every week, that''s what works for me. My life is busy with my DH, work, uni and family first before I have time for my friends and in the last few years I''ve had less time for them. Its not been intentional, that''s just the way it is. They have busy lives too and children and that eats up a lot of their spare time. That''s not to say that when I do meet up with them I have a great fun, but its not how it used to be when we lived in each others pockets when we were younger.

I have lost track of good friends over the years, that''s just how it has evolved. And like many of the folks on here, I don''t like the phone. I''d much rather talk face to face or send an email.

I do have a situation just now however where an old friend has recently got in touch after 10 years and he was a friend of my ex-Fi. Now, I am struggling with this renewed friendship because I don''t seem to be getting anything from it - does that sound callous? He suffers from physical and mental illness and feels obliged to tell me stories of my ex-FI as he is still in contact with him, which I don''t want to hear and this is just making me feel unhappy and uncomfortable and well, I don''t wanna know. I think he will continue to tell me cos really that''s all he''s got in common with me. He doesn''t work for a living due to his illness and therefore doesn''t have the same desire to travel, study, etc etc, things which I find interesting. I''ll probably keep in touch with him but not rekindle any kind of ''friendship'' because it doesn''t serve me well.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 1/4/2009 9:37:17 AM
Author: Po10472

What I want from a friendship is different to what I wanted/needed 10 or 20 years ago. I used to feel really guilty about not keeping in touch with friends but now I look at from a ''what am I getting from this'' relationship angle. Besides, they don''t exactly keep in touch with me either. Its a 2-way process. Good friends will be there for you and not get pissy when you don''t talk to them every week, that''s what works for me. My life is busy with my DH, work, uni and family first before I have time for my friends and in the last few years I''ve had less time for them. Its not been intentional, that''s just the way it is. They have busy lives too and children and that eats up a lot of their spare time. That''s not to say that when I do meet up with them I have a great fun, but its not how it used to be when we lived in each others pockets when we were younger.

I have lost track of good friends over the years, that''s just how it has evolved. And like many of the folks on here, I don''t like the phone. I''d much rather talk face to face or send an email.

I do have a situation just now however where an old friend has recently got in touch after 10 years and he was a friend of my ex-Fi. Now, I am struggling with this renewed friendship because I don''t seem to be getting anything from it - does that sound callous? He suffers from physical and mental illness and feels obliged to tell me stories of my ex-FI as he is still in contact with him, which I don''t want to hear and this is just making me feel unhappy and uncomfortable and well, I don''t wanna know. I think he will continue to tell me cos really that''s all he''s got in common with me. He doesn''t work for a living due to his illness and therefore doesn''t have the same desire to travel, study, etc etc, things which I find interesting. I''ll probably keep in touch with him but not rekindle any kind of ''friendship'' because it doesn''t serve me well.

No, I don''t think it sounds callous because I can understand where you''re coming from.

HOWEVER - I do think you should politely, but firmly, tell him you would prefer not to hear stories about your ex-FI. If there''s nothing else for you guys to talk about other than that then things might fizzle out on their own. But I wouldn''t put myself thorough listening to these stories...

 

[Po10472]

CJ - I have, repeatedly asked him not to refer to my ex-Fiasco. He claims that if he knows something he HAS to tell me. He really angered me just before Christmas when he felt the need to tell me that my ex-Fi was about to be a father - a touchy subject for me and my DH who are TTC.

I don''t need to be reminded of what a tosser my ex was and this friendship just opens old wounds and I don''t have to put up with this.

I get straight to the point nowadays and tell people exactly what I think and feel and if he can''t deal with that then tough.

Geez - I sound brutal when I actually write it down.

 

[CJ2008]

Po, what''s TTC?

 

[Harriet]

I''m very bad. In a few cases, we grew apart. Mostly, I''m just being lazy.

 

[blueauratus]

Wow. That is totally me all the way! I have always kinda been that way though (I dont even half a cell phone!!) and it has just gotten worse now that I have two kids.. I feel like I just can''t keep up with the current friendships that I have as it is and I just dont have the energy to start/continue with new ones. I have stopped hanging out/calling several friends in the last few years and surprisingly dont miss em at all! Infact, it seems like my life is less complicated and dramatic now!

 

[AprilBaby]

I HATE talking on the phone. As far as being lazy..if a friend moves away I keep up for a short time but after that we both move on and there seems no point. Do I feel guilty? Heck no! They can contact me if they really want but they never do!

 

[tlh]

CJ... finding out a co-worker introduced you should make this simple as pie! and sounds as though the only reason you are asking is guilt- and guilt is never a reason to be someone''s friend... because lets face it... a true friend really wouldn''t feel that way. So, as long as she is no longer a co-worker... that makes it tough- then you are answering to 2 people... stinky!

PO- That dude is breaking one of the cardinal RULES! never be friends with exes! After a relationship ends one must ultimately choose sides. If he was friends with your ex... that is how it remains- that way you are free to NOT hear stories about the other. And he has a mental illness too? I''d be lacing up my nike''s and RUNNING AWAY!

I actually had to tell someone, "Sorry I dont do exes." hmm that sounds nasty. I had to clarify then too. If you are an ex... that is how you stay. Ultimately in MOST situations you are attracted to someone and thus you try to find as many things in common as you can... but the real connection is the attraction. Once that is gone- it was all an illusion... why ruin the good memories with awkward new ones? I am not friends with exes... whether they be my ex or my friends exes. Kinda goes in with the Naked rule. If I''ve seen you in the biblical sense-- we dont really need to be friends... just get a chuckle and move one.

 

[CJ2008]

wow, blue, no cell phone, that definitely limits the ability of people finding you.

Did you ever have a cell phone and gave it up for that reason, or you''ve never had one?

tlh - hmmm...the co-worker passed way quite a few years ago, of cancer. She and I had had a little bit of a falling out but when I found out she was dying I did go see her. I think guilt can come anyway, true friend or not, in the sense that I consider myself a good, solid friend as far as when people need me or they have a problem or they need someone they can trust. But I have a hard time doing the "right things" socially - I could love you, but I don''t want to go your birthday party (not a fan of being around a lot people, I like intimate situations better) or your kid''s baptism or whatever. I could do these things once in a while - but if you''re inviting me places all the time you''ll hear no 9 times out of 10. I''m much more likely to say yes to dinner and wine

with one person or a few people than I am to a party of any kind.

 

[tlh]

You know... that is really true! It sucks the work that is involved at larger gatherings.
I am sorry to hear that his mom passed. That certainly makes this tough- but not an obligation on your part. It is actually better for him to let it go- if you aren;t 100%. He'll make other friends that can be there... and you can be around when you can.... if you want to- but it sounds like you dont.

 

[CJ2008]

tlh, he is no longer grieving, she passed away about many, many years ago...

You''re right - he definitely deserves me to be 100%. He is a fine person, definitely doesn''t lack any friends, and doesn''t "need" me to be his friend. I think I''m still resenting about him inviting himself to my wedding...and then me dealing with the guilt of having to tell him he wasn''t invited, and then he seeming annoyed about it. So I think I need to work through that if/when/before ever speaking to him again.

I am sure I am not appreciating him like I should - we should all be flattered when someone cares enough to want to keep in touch in with us, especially through decades. But right now I just really don''t feel like dealing with him out of nowhere, and I definitely don''t miss him so I don''t want to have to say that back or say things I don''t mean which isn''t my style -so my gut tells me to let it rest for a while...and sort out what I really feel which I''ve never really explored except til now because he just always kept it going and I never had reason to be mean or rude and not return his calls/emails, etc. I think the wedding brought to the surface that there''s a difference in how we each view the significance of our friendship...which, weird...for the first time since this post and this whole thing, I feel sad...