He doesn't understand

[diva rose]

I just wanted to clarify that although we are both currently in graduate school, we will be done in May. I am not asking him to propose immediately, but I just wanted some sort of idea of whether this year would be a possibility. He still maintains that he DOES want to marry me, doesn't stay specifically that he is not ready, but I think that he does have other stuff going on that marriage is not a priority right now. I was just hoping for some understanding of what being in this limbo feels like, having little control over the next step in our lives. Some idea of a timeline would be nice, but he was not willing to discuss it. He is traditional in his thinking that the guy has to propose, with an expensive ring (although I found a ring I love that is less than $500), and has to be a big surprise. Some of you commented on the price of the wedding, and much of my wedding research was all based on DIY and how to reduce the cost to make it affordable, so I don't have unrealistic expectations on that front, and could afford half of the wedding right now. But I am going to chill out and worry about other things, like my thesis.

Mariewest ~ I think a lot of the ladies here can understand and have been through the place where you are at right now. I don't think you have unrealistic expections at all. Marriage is something both parties should discuss and be ready for.

It is clear from his actions he is not ready and he does not want to discuss about it. Marriage may not be a priority for him right now. Fair enough but if he loves you - you need to be his priority not anything else. I do hope this is the case.

As I recommended from the previous post - I think the best action for you would be - making YOU the number one priority.
If he is not planning the future with you - you really need to do that. He is not a child - he is an adult. It doesn't matter if he is working or studying - people can still plan their future.

 

[metatrix]

What are your individual career plans for after you graduate? Is there a possibility either or both of you would have to move for a job? Is a LDR a possibility in your future?

 

[Asu]

I'm not a liw,but I just wanted to say something.I know this will not work for everyone,but that's what worked for us,and maybe you can get some help/inspiration for your own situation.when I was about to turn 19 I moved in my inlaws house,and lived there for two years.When we found an house for us,and started the moving process,I told my then-boyfried that I wasn't going to just live with him for who knows how long.We were both working,both wanted marriage (even thought we were young.He was actually the one that brought it up first),both wanted kids young.I said,see,I'm not going to wait around just for you to find the "right moment" or right age.Now we are in a good enough position to do some things,but you never know what can happen in the future.I may loose my job (and it happened),you may loose yours,anything can happen,and there will never be a "right" moment.to me,a moment is right when you want it to be right.So,if in a year from now,things will not start to move toward marriage,I will move back to my mother,or move somewere alone,but I will not be your wife and take care of you and our home ifI'm not,in fact,going to be your wife.what I wanted was just the engagement within a year,even the preparation for the engagement would have been great(you know,starting to get a budget,to talk rings),but by the next year we were married.While this sure can't work for everyone,it worked for me.I'm too strong willed and sure about what I want to waste my time waiting for something that I want but god knows when and if it will happen.We can talk about it,find a compromise about it,making decisions together about it,but don't ask me to just wait around being in the dark on when the heck something will happen.Thank god we got married when we did,because as I said,you never know what life reserve to you.For us it was the worst news possible,and now he is so happy that we married when we did and found out about this so early on.Even only three years from now,it would have been a lot more difficult.
I'm not trying to scare you,but this is also something to take into consideration,and bring to his attention.Life doesn't always go as you want.Waiting indefinitely for the right moment may lead to find that the right moment as you want it may never come.

 

[Amys Bling]

After finding out OP and her SO are only 24 and in grad school, I have a different view. Mariewest, your lives are too unsettled to get engaged. And your obsession with getting engaged and married must be off-putting to a 24 year old guy who's still going to school. You both need some time to finish grad school, establish careers, save money, pay off student loans, etc. With the attitude you have now you are going to be miserable until you are on your honeymoon...and that's a long time away

yeah, I have to agree with this. I am 25 and in grad school, and in NO POSITION to buy anyone a ring. Perhaps have an honest talk with him about it, see how he feels...if he has reservations because he's not sure about you, that's one thing, but if he wants to wait until he is done with school and more financially stable, that certainly seems reasonable.

Ok- I agree with this- being in grade school many times equates to= no real finances for a ring and wedding and honeymoon and all the expenses that associate with getting engaged and married. If his reason is financial- then yes- I wouldn't want to (if I was a guy) be struggling to get by- in school with stress- and trying to afford a ring, and then the planning and financial stress associated with this. Also- maybe I am ok- but I dont think there is a timeline with dating and when "engagement" happens. I see sooo many posts form ladies in waiting where is starts off with "we have been dating for _____ years". that is not the determining fact for engagment. My fiance and I dated 11.5 years and co-owned and co-habitated our townhouse for 2 years prior to him proposing and getting engaged...why? he didn't feel his financials were at the level he wanted them to be to afford the "ring i deserved" and the wedding WE wanted (all 200 guests) including the things we wanted at our wedding and the big 2 week european honeymoon we dreamed of. did I have moments prior to the proposal where i was dying to get engaged and upset it didnt happen yet? of course we all have those crazy moments, but it happened- i got a stunning ring, more than I expected to get, and we are having the wedding and honeymoon we both wanted- and this all coincided with the financial aspect that was holding everything up- he got a promotion and raise and large bonuses at work and everything was falling into place.


so- years you are dating- in my mind is the last thing i put on the last to qualify a couple as "ready". i think you have to be emotionally ready- BOTH of you- and i also think that you need to be "comfortable" with your finances and ready that way too. as rosetta posted- if you want to you will find a way- and I agree- but I think everyone has a level of comfort in the financial area they need to meet to be emotionally and financially ready.

 

[Amys Bling]

also wanted to add- we started dating at age 14... so if you are dating four years but were young when you started that is different than 4 years when you are 30something.