He doesn''t want to involve me...

[Ms.Dreamy]

I think it''s so romantic to go ring shopping together and it gives the guy also clear guidelines what a woman likes and what she completely dislikes. I also understand that (if the woman has not an absolute dream ring she really wants to get) the final decision is the guy''s part....

But my guy told me that he thinks it''s not romantic to involve the woman in the ring shopping process

He said that if you know a woman, you also know what she likes, it must "only" be a diamond and a certain size (well, I can be happy that at least he knows my size preferences

)
I agree that it is romantic to be completely surprised by the proposal - it''s more romantic than picking out a ring together and then just waiting for him to propose (in my opinion). I told him that I understand, but that a man cannot read a woman''s thoughts - and the chance of getting her something she dislikes is quite big.

Anyway, that makes the waiting more exciting (well, it won''t be tomorrow or very soon anyway) but also exciting in an unpleasant way... I don''t want him to get something I don''t like... well, I am happy that my guy knows that I love jewellery and my preference of the diamond size... but there are so many things a guy may not think about: eg. the ring must be good to stack it with bands, it should have a thin band, etc. --- how could a guy know about all that?!? (even if he IS diamond-educated!)

Hm, maybe I should help him "knowing my taste better" by showing him rings I''ve seen in some stores after some of my future trips to my favourite jewellery stores? or making comments on rings we see when we are window-shopping? Not too abviously of course

- and I still have plenty of time to give all the small hints he might need...

Any advice for subtle hint-giving???

In the end I must admit that a proposal is more romantic in my opinion too when it comes totally unexpected (AND with a perfect ring too

) but in some way I feel I have to give hints on the ring part...

Or should I not bother at all - make sure that he doesn''t forget the size preference for the stone and the rest is not too important because you can always change the setting in the end...?

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Well first off let me say YAY! How exciting! A proposal must be just around the corner for you!

Secondly, if I were you, I''d probably just email him links to rings and not really say anything about it other than "ooh look at this, it''s sooo pretty!" He said you couldn''t be involved in picking it out... But did he say anything about your at least showing him things that you like, right? I think a lot of guys just think about size and don''t always consider the details of erings (like thin band, stacking, etc) and so it''s helpful just to guide them in the right direction. Just browse online and find maybe 2 or three pictures of settings you like to send him. He''ll get the hint and then probably go with something similar, after all he wants to get you something you''ll love and if you show him what you love, you''re more likely to get it!

Good luck! And again, YAY!

 

[fieryred33143]

How about dropping hints on what you don''t like. You can mention rings that "a woman at work has" or that you "saw at the grocery store." That way it''ll still be his input and a complete surprise and you won''t get something you don''t particularly enjoy.

I also agree with him that when a man does it entirely on his own, its so much more romantic. We aren''t doing it that way...then again, we aren''t the romantic type of people LOL

 

[Delster]

Would he be open to the Bling Book idea? If you tell him you''ve learned a lot about diamonds and that there is information it is useful to know before you go into a store, like the way it''s useful to be informed before going into a car showroom, and that you''d love to share that information with him, would he be open to that? If you present it as a ''consumer information'' thing rather than a ''you must choose this ring'' type of thing?

I know my man loved the Bling Book I made him but then he is a guy who very much held his hands up and said I was way too fussy and there was no way he was doing it alone!

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

PearlDahhhling - (I love your name by the way!) Thanks, but there is no proposal to be expected (at least I know that for 200% sure

) in the near future. But the diamond-freak I am, I''m already trying to guide him in the right direction... haha!

fieryred33143 - yes, it''s important too to point out what''s an absolute no go for me.
but I think he knows that already quite well (no yellow gold, not too modern or very thick settings, not a small stone

etc.)

I think he already knows my taste quite well and he knows a lot about diamonds (compared to other guys he''s an expert in this field)... but he is a stubborn guy, ya know

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/11/2008 8:45:59 AM
Author: Delster
Would he be open to the Bling Book idea? If you tell him you''ve learned a lot about diamonds and that there is information it is useful to know before you go into a store, like the way it''s useful to be informed before going into a car showroom, and that you''d love to share that information with him, would he be open to that? If you present it as a ''consumer information'' thing rather than a ''you must choose this ring'' type of thing?


I know my man loved the Bling Book I made him but then he is a guy who very much held his hands up and said I was way too fussy and there was no way he was doing it alone!

That''s a lovely idea in my opinion but my guy would freak out! really

He knows I am obsessed with jewellery but if I start making a e-ring book (even if there is no engagement planned soon) he would take me to the next mental hospital

showing him solitaires on the internet is easier... but even there: how could I manage that without saying obviously "honey, come over here and have a look at this nice ring (obviously an e-ring)"???

Fortunately he doesn''t need a consumer guide (he already knows about the 4c''s and all that) - I am so glad he does

But it would be cool to take him to my favorite stores and just try on rings for fun... but he is not too much into that idea - and I don''t know how to manage to get him to such a shopping trip spontaneously (he is not a big shopping fan and I am going jewellery-shopping mostly on my own...) and if I take him with me to buy something else, how can I ask the salesperson to show me the nice solitaire e-rings without giving him the desperate impression of "look, darling - I want this ring!!!"

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/11/2008 8:33:05 AM
Author: fieryred33143
How about dropping hints on what you don''t like. You can mention rings that ''a woman at work has'' or that you ''saw at the grocery store.'' That way it''ll still be his input and a complete surprise and you won''t get something you don''t particularly enjoy.

Eh, I''d be careful with that. Just from personal experience, I told J I didn''t like yellow gold, and the first piece of jewelry he ever got me was yellow gold. Why? Because he only remembered me talking about it, not that I said I didn''t like it.

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/11/2008 9:16:12 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 6/11/2008 8:33:05 AM

Author: fieryred33143

How about dropping hints on what you don''t like. You can mention rings that ''a woman at work has'' or that you ''saw at the grocery store.'' That way it''ll still be his input and a complete surprise and you won''t get something you don''t particularly enjoy.

Eh, I''d be careful with that. Just from personal experience, I told J I didn''t like yellow gold, and the first piece of jewelry he ever got me was yellow gold. Why? Because he only remembered me talking about it, not that I said I didn''t like it.

haha! that''s funny

anyway, he tried his best - that counts.
Oh, my guy really knows what I dislike the most - and he is always surrounded by the jewellery topic (thanks me and his mom) and sees my jewellery all the time - that definitely gives him an input to my favourite style and brands. (and he really knows that I don''t like yellow gold that much

)

it was funny: lately I told him to have a look at tiffany bands (to ask which one he likes most) and he was like "tiffany? I thought you are in love with cartier?!" sometimes guys are cute

 

[Delster]

Too funny Gwen!

A while back I asked my guy for simple pearl studs for my birthday, to go with my pearl necklace. The idea was to have something plain, classic, and understated for work. I took him into a shop and showed him the exact ones. Cheap, simple. Got it? Easy, right? But then I only went and mentioned how I liked the way the main character on Bones wears pretty little dangly earrings that match her outfits so well, and how I was thinking about buying some cheap danglies like those, to dress up my outfits when I wear jeans etc. Never occurred to me to clarify that I meant cheap as chips cheap and that I didn't want dressy dangly earrings. I mentioned it in passing while watching TV. It never entered my silly head that he could be storing it up as 'useful info'!

Guess what I got for my birthay?

He was listening. Not his fault at all. My fault for not communicating better. The earrings had to go back, they just weren't my style at all. And poor BF was so confused. And I still feel terrible.

Anyway Ms.Dreamy I think all you can do is gush over your friends' rings that you do like and gently comment adversely on those rings you don't like (don't want to let something you say about a ring you don't like stick in his head the wrong way!). Make sure you talk about other jewellery pieces in the same terms as what you like in an engagement ring - so 'wee sparklies everywhere!' or 'sleek fluid metal!' or 'sidestones, yum!' or 'just one highlight!' etc etc

BTW - make sure your BF knows about cut parameters etc. Sometimes guys say they know all about the 4Cs and they actually only know what maul stores have told them. They think 'cut' equates with 'shape' and have no idea that some stones can be better cut than others. But if he knows even that much, that's a good sign! He's been researching!!!

ETA - great advice Rob! It's fantastic to have a MIW's voice around here

 

[sklingem]

I would tell him both what you like and what you don''t like. Write it down and give it to him! And tape a copy on the refrigerator. Subtle can be nice but I would not take any chances. Just give it to him and tell him that you will not talk about it again or bug him but that he HAS to take these preferences and dislikes into account. And remember: just because you think that some design aspects are "obvious", others (including your FF) may not think so. Example: An e-ring does not have to have a thin band. That is purely your own preference. Good luck! And getting suprised will be exciting!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I think you can certainly talk openly about rings you like and rings you don''t...rings your friends have, rings you see on TV, rings you see in real life...

My guy has the same philosophy as yours and for the most part, I''ve left him on his own. I have, however, shown him my "dream ring", reported back to him about rings I''ve seen and definately make loads of comments when we window shop. One day I was feeling rather bold and told him outright that I really liked asscher cut above all else.

He''s let me know in his own little way that he''s looking for an asscher so he got that one pretty quick

. I''ve shown him several halo settings so I am hoping he''s gotten that part down as well. It is possible to let him know what you like and do not like without having direct involvement in the ring design/purchase process.

How very exciting for you!!! Do you have any idea when it will happen??

 

[Pandora II]

I have strong views on this as I've stated elsewhere.

In the UK most engagements are not with the ring - you chose it together afterwards which IMHO is far more fun and romantic. Engagements are not about rings.

And why do you 'have' to have a diamond?

Personally I'd be furious!

Why don't you ask him if he'd be happy if you pick the car he has to drive for the rest of his life?

ETA: My FI definitely knew what I liked - to choose things together!

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

oh, Delster that''s cute of your BF that he took subtle hints (even if they were not intended

) my guy also buys me matching stuff to my existing collection - that''s so nice.

well, he would NEVER buy jewellery at the maul

he''s diamond-educated because of my FMIL

she is crazy for jewellery too

And I did my best to bring his existing knowledge nearly to perfection

Rob - yay! I really appreciate a MIW''s opinion!!! hm, my constant hints are not so subtle anymore I guess

(eg. "I''d like something around/above ...ct!" - that repeated several times, pointing out that it is the ideal size for me... nah, not so suble anymore

) - but the communication of features like the thin band or the possibility to stack are things I have to work on!

 

[fieryred33143]

I don''t know if I would be "furious."

I think its important to remember that the engagement is just as much the man''s process as it is the woman''s. It isn''t fair that he has to give up his idea of what the perfect proposal would be just to accomadate her feelings of wanting to choose the ring herself, and vice versa. I think the key word is compromise. You should sit down with him and tell him just like Rob mentioned that you want to go over what you like/don''t like and the rest is up to him. That seems like a really fair compromise to me.

And yes he does know what you like and your style...but that''s more with clothing or jewelry you wear every day. He hasn''t seen an engagement ring or wedding set on your finger so its impossible for him to just "know" what you are going to enjoy. I still think its a romantic idea.

I would also, as a side suggestion, go to the jewerly store alone (assuming he doesn''t want to go with you) and try on various styles. I had always pictured my ring as a thick solitaire band. When I tried it on, I literally felt like I had man hands....but I fell in love with a thin, channel band. Rings look beautiful in pictures...totally different on your hand.

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/11/2008 9:54:17 AM
Author: Keepingthefaith21
I think you can certainly talk openly about rings you like and rings you don''t...rings your friends have, rings you see on TV, rings you see in real life...


My guy has the same philosophy as yours and for the most part, I''ve left him on his own. I have, however, shown him my ''dream ring'', reported back to him about rings I''ve seen and definately make loads of comments when we window shop. One day I was feeling rather bold and told him outright that I really liked asscher cut above all else.


He''s let me know in his own little way that he''s looking for an asscher so he got that one pretty quick

. I''ve shown him several halo settings so I am hoping he''s gotten that part down as well. It is possible to let him know what you like and do not like without having direct involvement in the ring design/purchase process.


How very exciting for you!!! Do you have any idea when it will happen??

Yeah, I guess I''ll have a look on my next jewellery trip and bring him pictures home of my dream ring(s) - just for reference. I can tell him why I prefer one setting to the other and tell him by doing this what features I like. When I show him 3 settings of the same style, he definitely gets the idea - the rest is his decision. The quality and size of the stone are most important to me and for the rest (after giving my most important inputs ) I have to rely on his good taste in jewellery.

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/11/2008 9:57:50 AM
Author: Pandora II
I have strong views on this as I''ve stated elsewhere.


In the UK most engagements are not with the ring - you chose it together afterwards which IMHO is far more fun and romantic. Engagements are not about rings.


And why do you ''have'' to have a diamond?


Personally I''d be furious!


Why don''t you ask him if he''d be happy if you pick the car he has to drive for the rest of his life?


ETA: My FI definitely knew what I liked - to choose things together!

I know your strong opinion on that. But on the other hand it is a gift from him and if he wants it to be a surprise - that has something exciting for me too! (I know you don''t like it, but I''m ok with it)

It''s different in your case (you don''t want a diamond) - I''d be furious if I didn''t get a diamond. He knows I want a diamond and he knows what size I want to get. He has an Idea of the style I like. - I think that''s much more than other guys knew who got their GF''s an unpleasant surprise

To calm you down a bit I can tell you that he told me "well, that''s ONE ring - the woman doesn''t have to wear it for the rest of her life, the woman could choose together with the man another ring when they are married" - hm, not bad!

and of course the wedding ring is something to choose together!

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/11/2008 10:05:50 AM
Author: fieryred33143
I don''t know if I would be ''furious.''


I think its important to remember that the engagement is just as much the man''s process as it is the woman''s. It isn''t fair that he has to give up his idea of what the perfect proposal would be just to accomadate her feelings of wanting to choose the ring herself, and vice versa. I think the key word is compromise. You should sit down with him and tell him just like Rob mentioned that you want to go over what you like/don''t like and the rest is up to him. That seems like a really fair compromise to me.


And yes he does know what you like and your style...but that''s more with clothing or jewelry you wear every day. He hasn''t seen an engagement ring or wedding set on your finger so its impossible for him to just ''know'' what you are going to enjoy. I still think its a romantic idea.


I would also, as a side suggestion, go to the jewerly store alone (assuming he doesn''t want to go with you) and try on various styles. I had always pictured my ring as a thick solitaire band. When I tried it on, I literally felt like I had man hands....but I fell in love with a thin, channel band. Rings look beautiful in pictures...totally different on your hand.

I totally agree with you about the "compromise": I am happy that he wants to surprise me - that makes it exciting. But, I want to give SOME inputs. I''ve already given the most important hints and now I am trying to communicate the "details".
After that I''ll be excited what he gets me!

Yes, I''ll go to the stores, try on rings and bring pics and stats home. Doing that after I was in the store buying something else is not so obvious and gives me a great opportunity to start the conversation about "the other ring I saw there..."

 

[Pandora II]

My views probably stem from the fact that I don''t see the ring as being the engagement.

The man gets to plan the proposal - but a ring is not a proposal, plenty of people have proposals without rings, a ring without a proposal is just a piece of jewellery.

An engagement ring is a piece of jewellery bought to celebrate the proposal.

 

[wishful]

I would just be open and honest with him. Say that you understand and respect his desire to keep the ring a complete surprise but tell him that there is more to it than just diamond size. Tell him you''d like to send him a few pics of the styles you like for settings and the widths of bands etc. and also other design ideas you like or don''t like (ie: diamonds in the band, suprise diamonds etc.) and tell him after you give him that info he is free to do as he wishes and you will stay out of it.

That''s kinda how I did it with my guy. He has several images I e-mailed him (thanks Pricescope!!) of designs I like but I gave him options. Now it''s up to him.

Good Luck!!!!!!!

 

[wishful]

Date: 6/11/2008 9:16:12 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 6/11/2008 8:33:05 AM
Author: fieryred33143
How about dropping hints on what you don''t like. You can mention rings that ''a woman at work has'' or that you ''saw at the grocery store.'' That way it''ll still be his input and a complete surprise and you won''t get something you don''t particularly enjoy.

Eh, I''d be careful with that. Just from personal experience, I told J I didn''t like yellow gold, and the first piece of jewelry he ever got me was yellow gold. Why? Because he only remembered me talking about it, not that I said I didn''t like it.

Good point Gwen!!!!

 

[kittybean]

Ms.Dreamy, my advice is to give him more information than he appears to want. Why? Because I have just experienced the negative ramifications of keeping my mouth shut in order to save the "surprise." If you read my "I pulled a Carrie..." thread from a few days ago, you'll see what I mean (link -- https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/i-pulled-a-carrie.87220/).

My boyfriend was adamant about not involving me at all in the ring-shopping process. I now know I'm getting a ring that I'm less than thrilled about (don't get me wrong--I'm over the moon about the engagement happening so soon!). It's not what I imagined at all, and while I'm going to give it a fair chance, it would've been so much nicer if I had given him more guidance and therefore gotten something closer to my dream ring. Now I may be in the uncomfortable position of having to ask to change the setting he picked out or settling for a ring that isn't me. My guy appears to have followed the few instructions I was "allowed" to give to a tee (emerald cut and white metal), so I really wish I had said more, even if he didn't necessarily want to hear it at the time.

 

[KCCutie]

I just have to say my BF was the same way and as the purchase seems to be getting closer and closer he''s giving in and asking for my help more and more.

At first if the subject even came up in more detail than I like fat little ECs and Asschers he''d just stop me and say he was doing it on his own and change the subject abruptly.

Last night he made a comment that he would be broke soon (and we both know why

) and I wanted to tell him to check out PS b/c I don''t want him to overspend in a maul store, but the right time never seemed to pop up for that. So I sent him and e-mail today just saying I know he doesn''t want my help but this website is amazing and the people here would love to help him find exactly what he wants for much cheaper than a B&M and asked him just to check it out.

His response was that he still wasn''t sure if if I wanted a solitaire or something else

. I took my chance and gave him what I consider to be the 2-3 most important aspects of the ring which are shape, metal color and that it sits flush with a WB. Then I reassured him that I knew whatever he picked would be perfect but I''d help him as much or as little as he wanted me to.

My point just be patient and drop little hints about the really important things and when he gets ready to spend the $$ he''ll probably ask.

 

[Dreamgirl]

lol Dreamy, you remind me of myself. You don't want something you wouldn't like, so you want to let him know! lol

Let him know a few things on what you like so that he knows, and then your chances of getting something you would like will be greater! Just tell your guy that you like thinner bands and every now and then drop a hint on diamond sizes you like.

Hopefully he will remember and you will be very happy with the results!

But from my own experience, don't be too pushy. lol As you know, when I backed off the subject, he became interested! What the heck?! lol But now the booger keeps teasing me insinuating about diamond sizes so I naturally tease back to make sure he knows I can handle a large diamond. lol! Its sort of a fun bantering thing we currently have going on.

Anyhow, at least let him know a few things.

 

[sunnyd]

If your goal is to change his mind about letting you pick it out together, completely overwhelm him with everything. My FF thought he wanted to be responsible for everything, so I gave him detailed specs of everything. He then realized it was way more than he wanted to take on, so we''re doing it together...well I picked out everything and he''s paying. LoL...

And we bought the stone yesterday!!!!!

 

[kittybean]

I am so envious of you ladies (sunnyd, Dreamgirl) that have spoken up to prevent getting something you don''t want. It sounds like it has worked out perfectly for you. If only I had spoken up!

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

wishful - thank you. yes, as mentioned above I''ll try a few rings on and then show him the pics and pecs of my favourites and I''ll explain to him why I like the ring (thin band, etc)

kittybean - oh yes, I posted in your thread... I am sorry that your expectations were not fulfilled (I remember you wanted a halo... but how could he know that without your input?) I don''t have this problem as he knows I like solitaires with big center stones and a band on the delicate side... But as you said - there is still enough possibility for misunderstanding and lack of knowledge of my wishes.

KCCutie - you are right. my guy is smart and he know that I have high expectations and am easily unsatisfied

- so if there is something he doesn''t know about my preferences he will ask or find it out in the sublte way (haha! he is a guy but he knows the subtle hint technique too: eg. when windowshopping he sometimes asks "do you like this one"?)

Dreamgirl - yeah we have a few things in common

I won''t communicate it in a pushy way... I have all the time in the world, so there are a lot of possibilities and who knows, maybe I can take him with me one day for a shopping trip and show him a few rings in person

hm, maybe the tiffany solitaire could be one of them

- I know that your BF finally convinced you

- for me it''s more convincing him... I like the tiffany setting or the cartier 1895 solitaires... but he mentioned once that he might like the idea of making something custom because it''s really unique and you can include all the features you like in one ring - I would be very happy if he would design my setting himself

hopefully it will look like a mix of the tiffany and the cartier - because I like both

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/11/2008 3:05:08 PM
Author: sunnyd
If your goal is to change his mind about letting you pick it out together, completely overwhelm him with everything. My FF thought he wanted to be responsible for everything, so I gave him detailed specs of everything. He then realized it was way more than he wanted to take on, so we''re doing it together...well I picked out everything and he''s paying. LoL...


And we bought the stone yesterday!!!!!

OMG - that won''t work on my guy as he already knows much about diamonds - but it''s a good idea!

is this your new stone in the avatar? It''s gorgeous!!!

tell me more about it (specs)!

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 6/11/2008 3:15:55 PM
Author: kittybean
I am so envious of you ladies (sunnyd, Dreamgirl) that have spoken up to prevent getting something you don''t want. It sounds like it has worked out perfectly for you. If only I had spoken up!

don''t be sad, kittybean! your ring IS beautiful! and it''s all about the setting and not the center stone - you could always change your setting if you really don''t like it - I think you''ve got some great ideas from others in your thread how you could communicate that to him.

 

[kittybean]

Ms.Dreamy, glad you hear you are in a better position--it''s good that he knows those basics and he''s heard them from you. My boyfriend told me a while ago that he "knew what I would like," so I assumed this meant he talked to my mom or close friends (who have all known my preferences for months, just in case). I''m pretty sure he didn''t do that, or maybe one of them told him something different. I think he just went and picked out what was nicest in his mind without much thought to my style (the ring he picked is quite different from any other jewelry I own), which makes me a little sad.

P.S. Sorry for focusing on my story so much. I just 1) don''t want the same thing to happen to you, and 2) just really want to vent.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 6/11/2008 3:22:07 PM
Author: Ms.Dreamy
Dreamgirl - yeah we have a few things in common

I won't communicate it in a pushy way... I have all the time in the world, so there are a lot of possibilities and who knows, maybe I can take him with me one day for a shopping trip and show him a few rings in person

hm, maybe the tiffany solitaire could be one of them

- I know that your BF finally convinced you

- for me it's more convincing him... I like the tiffany setting or the cartier 1895 solitaires... but he mentioned once that he might like the idea of making something custom because it's really unique and you can include all the features you like in one ring - I would be very happy if he would design my setting himself

hopefully it will look like a mix of the tiffany and the cartier - because I like both

Awesome! lol! Mmmmmm Cartier.

Yes, he convinced me once I had the Tiffany Setting on my finger. Didn't take much convincing though! lol! And he has enjoyed pointing out that he was right about it to me a few times already. lol!

By the way, if he has mentioned making something custom, then maybe he has some really nice plans up his sleeves for you and thats why he claims he doesn't want you involved. But still let 'em know........