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He wants more time.

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designchica

designchica

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 30, 2007
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260
Just when I thought a proposal was coming soon, he told me last night he wants/needs more time. Apparently he wants to go see a counselor to talk through some of his fears about getting married. I think its AWESOME that he wants to go to a counselor and am very supportive of that, but ladies, I am a bit disappointed that he still has so much uncertainty. I suppose it is better for him to work though his fears now rather than later.

He asked for a month which of course I will give. The relationship is too good to just throw away just because he''s not ready but a part of me wonders what can possibly happen in a month that will make him feel more ready? Somehow I feel that a month will turn into two months and then into three and then into four and before you know it it will be next year!!!
 
Well hopefully in this case, a month means a month and in the grand scheme of things, that''s really not a long time at all. So try to think of it as a positive thing; this month could be really exciting with all the anticipation. And I also think it''s great that even though he has some anxieties about marriage, he''s doing something about it rather than just hoping it''ll go away.
 
I can imagine that was hard to hear, when you were hoping so hard that an engagement was coming soon! But it must have taken a lot of thinking on his part to try to be ready and realize he isn''t, and I think it means a lot that he want to work through it with you, then just flat out say, "No, I''m not ready, find someone who is."

I think maybe you can''t allay his fears because you''re too closely tied in to everything, but a neutral third party might be able to reassure him, and possibly saying the same things you yourself have said! Sometimes people just need to hear things in a certain way, from an outside source, to really get them to sink in.

I think it''s GREAT that he wants to do this, and I''m very excited for you both. I think it''ll be good.
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He sent me conflicting messages though. at one point he said he wanted more time so that he could surprise me with a ring. He said, "its not as much fun giving someone a ring who's expecting one" and he mentioned several times how he wishes it were more of surprise and that he wants to be able to plan something special without me thinking every day that "this is gonna be the day". He said he wants more time so that he can do it right.

Then after all of that he asked for more time because he wants to go to counseling to sort through some things. So I don't know which story is true. Maybe they both are. Part of me wonders if he's making the stuff up about counseling to make me think an engagement is further away than I thought so I will be surprised when it does happen, but if that's the case, he's really toying with my emotions!

I know that he is shopping for a diamond which makes me think he has already decided to marry me so I don't really understand the counseling story.

In any event, regardless of the real reason he wants more time, it isn't happening for at least a month and I am just going to have to accept that. a month isn't even that long.
 
I wanted to add that we have a trip planned at the end of the month to go to Miami so I can meet his dad. Now, I don''t want to get too excited about a possible proposal then (especially since I built myself up for our Hawaii trip last month only to be let down)...However, he was VERY concerned about making sure I was still on board for that trip last night when I was upset. So who knows, maybe he is planning something for that trip. (but i''m not holding my breath!)
 
I know it''s hard, but unless you feeling like he''s being dishonest and jerking you around (which it doesn''t to me from what you''ve said--he just sounds like he''s confused and trying to figure out why he needs more time, but I know only a smidge of what''s going on), then I think you should try your best to take one giant deep breath, take a long hot bubble bath (my solution to everything
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) and just let it go for a while. A month, two months--that''s going to be gone before you know it, it really isn''t going to make THAT big a difference in the long run, so just be an awesome girlfriend, give him all the time he needs, and maybe that alone--seeing you honestly being chill about it--will help him realize that he''s CHOOSING to make a life with you, not being hurried or pushed into it.

Easier said than done, but it''s worth a shot.
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That''s tough. I got a similarly disappointing surprise this weekend, so I can identify. But it sounds like thing are on track for you two, if just a bit delayed. And I do think it''s good that he is confronting these fears now in a pro-active manner, rather than just forging ahead and then freaking out later.
 
Oh, man. That sounds really tough. And ESPECIALLY because it''s unclear if he''s just trying to surprise you (which I think would be a little cruel). But the fact that he wants to go to counseling, if that''s what it is, is a good thing. And frankly? A lot can happen in a month. Sometimes people just need a neutral sounding board for a few hours.
 
Wow, I''m really very sorry to hear that your boyfriend is giving you a hard time. It must be very disappointing to have had the build up, and now you''re facing this let down...it sounds like rollercoaster of emotions going on in that relationship lately.

There are many, many, many articles on the internet about how to cope with a man who has cold feet. It''s not just an old wives tale, some men really do "mourn" their independence and freedom to a degree that can be crippling to a relationship that seems otherwise perfect. If your boyfriend really does have issues he wants to proactively treat, I''d applaud the effort he''s putting in and reaffirm, on your end, that you''re proud of the steps he''s taking towards a brighter, happier future as husband and wife. The walk down the aisle starts long before you actual wedding day.

But, I''d be very sure to find out exactly what these issues are, because if this is real, then there is a part of this man you don''t know...he is keeping his true feelings from you, and that''s unhealthy. I would start an open dialog with him about his feelings and fears. A relationship is ultimately a partnership...it is two people cooperatively working together for a common goal...and if this relationship you''re currently in is meant to work out, he should be able to speak openingly and freely with you about where his head and heart are. While I fully believe in the idea of counseling and therapy, and embrace it, you shouldn''t have your future completely in the hands of two other people (his and his therapists). If what he is feeling is real and not simply a ploy to throw you off track, then he should be able to put his feelings into words...and if he just simply cannot find the words, the vibe you get from him should be sincere enough to know that this is in fact really happening, and he does have his set of limitations.

Then, its your turn to make up your own mind about what your future holds (notice a common word in that sentence? your!!!!). Women so often hold onto a relationship during the turbulent times banking on a brighter future, but, if his unsecurities will stiffle you from getting what you want out of your life then whats the point? I would never, ever tell someone to abandon their relationship...but I would take a few days to really think about it (after all, he''s asked for his month...you can have your time, too!), if I were you. How long are you willing to wait if it turns out a month does stretch on? I would absolutely set a maxium ammount of time you''re willing to live in limbo...be it a whatever it is...and I would stand firm to that conviction.

The best you can hope for is that he really is trying to throw you off track...that he does have a wonderful, beautiful, special purposal planned...and that you''ll come home from Flordia happily engaged and ready to plan a wedding... That is my greatest wish for you...but, come what may...you''ll be just fine...
 
When D and I first talked about engagements etc, we had been together 6 and a half years as I was feeling ready to take the next step. D wasn''t however and told me to give him until the end of last year which was two years later (part of this was we were in NY when we had the chat in Jan 06 and we had booked to return to NY in July 07. We wanted to buy the ring there as it''s much better value than Ireland). I was happy to give him that time as we weren''t in a position really to get engaged then anyway (ie no savings, home etc). When I questioned him though about why he wasn''t ready, he told me that he didn''t know, that he just wasn''t ready to do it at that time. After pushing him more though, he told me the reasons that he wasn''t ready (can''t remember what all of them were now, but they were mainly the reasons why I thought that we shouldn''t have done it then either, ie no home, needed to both work full time,etc). He told me that he didn''t want to tell me the reasons in case they hurt my feelings. Once we chatted about it and we put the wheels in motion on our future plans he was much happier and on board with things.
I think that it''s great that he''s seeing a counsellor and going to do it on his own. It shows that he''s really trying to get to the bottom of this issue. A month isn''t a long time at all so I would give him that and not mention engagements during this time. After the month, it''s time to sit down with him and see where he stands and then you can decide what you want to do. The reason why I posted my experience is that I think that most men seem to like all their ducks in a row before they take the next step and that''s what was bothering D and why he wasn''t ready. Once the ducks lined up and we returned to NY we got our ring and he has been happy ever since. Maybe that could be what''s bothering your bf?
I don''t think that there''s really anything you can do. Just be yourself, be there for him, don''t mention engagements during this time and just have fun in your relationship. I think that D was afraid that things would change for us once we got engaged. It''s only now he''s seeing that nothing has really changed at all only I have a pretty on my finger and we''re even closer than before. Just show him how great your relationship is.
I hope that things work out for you two!!
 
Date: 2/4/2008 1:54:58 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Wow, I''m really very sorry to hear that your boyfriend is giving you a hard time. It must be very disappointing to have had the build up, and now you''re facing this let down...it sounds like rollercoaster of emotions going on in that relationship lately.

There are many, many, many articles on the internet about how to cope with a man who has cold feet. It''s not just an old wives tale, some men really do ''mourn'' their independence and freedom to a degree that can be crippling to a relationship that seems otherwise perfect. If your boyfriend really does have issues he wants to proactively treat, I''d applaud the effort he''s putting in and reaffirm, on your end, that you''re proud of the steps he''s taking towards a brighter, happier future as husband and wife. The walk down the aisle starts long before you actual wedding day.

But, I''d be very sure to find out exactly what these issues are, because if this is real, then there is a part of this man you don''t know...he is keeping his true feelings from you, and that''s unhealthy. I would start an open dialog with him about his feelings and fears. A relationship is ultimately a partnership...it is two people cooperatively working together for a common goal...and if this relationship you''re currently in is meant to work out, he should be able to speak openingly and freely with you about where his head and heart are. While I fully believe in the idea of counseling and therapy, and embrace it, you shouldn''t have your future completely in the hands of two other people (his and his therapists). If what he is feeling is real and not simply a ploy to throw you off track, then he should be able to put his feelings into words...and if he just simply cannot find the words, the vibe you get from him should be sincere enough to know that this is in fact really happening, and he does have his set of limitations.

Then, its your turn to make up your own mind about what your future holds (notice a common word in that sentence? your!!!!). Women so often hold onto a relationship during the turbulent times banking on a brighter future, but, if his unsecurities will stiffle you from getting what you want out of your life then whats the point? I would never, ever tell someone to abandon their relationship...but I would take a few days to really think about it (after all, he''s asked for his month...you can have your time, too!), if I were you. How long are you willing to wait if it turns out a month does stretch on? I would absolutely set a maxium ammount of time you''re willing to live in limbo...be it a whatever it is...and I would stand firm to that conviction.

The best you can hope for is that he really is trying to throw you off track...that he does have a wonderful, beautiful, special purposal planned...and that you''ll come home from Flordia happily engaged and ready to plan a wedding... That is my greatest wish for you...but, come what may...you''ll be just fine...
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Ditto! I think you also should know what his fears about marriage are. Has he spoken about his fear of committment before?
 
hey there... just read your story, and just to make you feel less alone in this -- I''m going through the same thing, almost detail for detail.

i actually have a good friend who is a psychologist, and i was talking to him about it, and he said this: The cold feet thing, for men, is extremely common. I see many, many men who need a gentle sort of ''push'' into marriage. However, one thing you should keep in mind is that AFTER the wedding finally takes place, these men are almost ALWAYS thrilled and happy. They''re grateful and proud and feel that it WAS the right thing to do. That might reassure him."

I suspect one of your concerns might be that he won''t be happy during the wedding process, and afterward, but that is likely NOT the case. I really think the best advice is to remember that he will be happy about it eventually, give him the time he needs -- one month, or even two, and concentrate on yourself right now. Try to be casual and relaxed about it around him, and remember that your readiness may be a sign of greater maturity in this area. It''s a big step to ''grow up'' :)

Try your best to manage your anxiety by ''setting it aside'' for a set period of time. I know it''s hard... i''m talking to myself here too :)
 
It''s not just men who mourn their independence and get cold feet. You''ll find if you poke around here that some of us gals do too, especially the older ones. It was me who asked for more time (which turned out to be, like, two weeks), and completely panicked before we got engaged , and then once or twice AFTER we got engaged. Doesn''t mean I don''t want to marry him!

If one HAS independence and an independent identity, it is natural and healthy to mourn it going in to a marriage. A great book on this is "Emotionally Engaged" which many of us on here have read and recommended. Even though it''s directed at panicking women, it might give you insight into what he is feeling.


Hope you''re doing OK.
 
Indy...you''re right, men aren''t the only ones who have cold feet, or mourn their independance...but in this situation, HE is the one with cold feet NOT her. I was trying to keep it focused on her....
 
Yes, but I bet looking at the insights of independent women into their cold feet (as in this book I recommended) might also help DesignChica understand her guy''s cold feet. I bet a lot of the issues are the same even though boys'' feet may be less emotionally articulate.

haha. Emotionally articulate feet.
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sorry.
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I don't think that either of you should be setting a timeframe. You can't just magically be ready, and to say a month from now he will be is unrealistic. If he set a timeframe because he wants to save money for the ring that's one thing, but a time frame to get mentally prepared is just setting you up for disappointment.

Let him take whatever time he needs. It sounds like he really loves you. If he is willing to admit he has issues and wants to see a therapist to work through them then you must really be the one.

Being ready for marriage is just a feeling. You can't control it, you can't force it and you can't rush it.

Of course, if it's been a two years then maybe you have to put your foot down.
 
I really understand where you are coming from. I had a deadline for myself last year that I wanted to be engeged by, and when it was getting too close for comfort I brought it up. He explained that he just wasn't ready to get married yet, and he needed a few more months. After being together 7 years I really didn't understand, and still don't, how things could change so much in a few months, let alone a month. But I will say they did change! Thank God! ANd now we are on our search for the perfect ring. I can't explain boy time to you bc I just don't get it. Just have faith that it will happen. But you need to know for YOU what is going to be best. If waiting for another year plus won't work for you then make a timeline for yourself. Make sure he starts sticking to his timelines, it's only fair...
 
He had me added to his life insurance policy yesterday and I know for a fact that he is shopping seriously for a ring so I am thoroughly confused. To me, it seems like he has already made up his mind to marry me.

He has his first counseling appointment on Tuesday so at least things are moving forward.
 
It sounds like things are progressing. Maybe he just needs to work through the ''finality'' aspect of it in therapy. It''s not an uncommon thing for either gender. Even SO''s brother freaked out a bit as he pulled up to the church to get married -- and they''d been together for 8 years, living together for 6, etc. He knew he was going to spend the rest of his life with her and he wanted to, but it is a bit daunting at times. Still- and I think I said this before so maybe I''m a broken record- better to know he takes it really seriously than not seriously enough.
 
That is what my boyfriend said too, that he just wasn''t ready and that he needed more time and that he was going to see a therapist... Then, he decided that the only reason he would ever want to get married was when he was ready to have children, and he definitely doesn''t want to do that for like five years. Now he says that he just wants to meet new people and to have the option to date other women.
I can''t even believe that this is the outcome of our relationship, I thought that we would be getting engaged soon. He obviously never intended to do so, but he kept telling me things that I wanted to hear and kept leading me on. I was even emailing him examples of rings I liked, and he would say "Oh, that one looks nice". I don''t understand why he would be so cruel.
 
Well it sounds encouraging that he''s going to go to therapy and some men just need that little nudge. Unfortunately, that''s not the case for all men. In my case, my ex boyfriend even bought me an engagement ring and then never gave it to me (I was on his life insurance policy also.) Not trying to damper your spirits but sometimes things may not appear as they are.

It does sound like you and your boyfriend have a better relationship than my boyfriend and I at the time.
 
*MAJOR UPDATE**

BF and I talked and it turns out that although he is serious about wanting to go to therapy, it has nothing to do with hsi wanting or not wanting to marry. He told me he has already decided he wants to marry me!!!! Turns out that he wants to go to therapy so that he can work on his fears about not being a good husband but that he has already 100% decided he is going to ask me to marry him.

So why did he tell me that he needed to go because he still isn't sure he is ready to get married? Well, as I supsected, he was trying to throw me off so that I would be surprised and not supecting a proposal anytime soon. But when he saw how much it upset me he realized he'd made a mistake and was toying with my emotions.

So a few nights ago he told me that although he wanted it to be a surprise, he doesn't want to go to great lengths to make it one if that means making me feel like he's still unsure about us. So over the past few days we've looked at hundreds of rings online and have picked a couple of settings. So there will some element of surprise in that I am not positive which setting he will be getting (although I sure hope its this one cuz I love it so much!!!!!)
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/cushion-cut-micropave-halo-by-mark-t.57464/

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Great news, DC! I''m happy for you.
You''ll see I answered your post in the RT forum and I was curious as to what was up.
 
Date: 2/9/2008 6:06:05 PM
Author: designchica
*MAJOR UPDATE**


BF and I talked and it turns out that although he is serious about wanting to go to therapy, it has nothing to do with hsi wanting or not wanting to marry. He told me he has already decided he wants to marry me!!!! Turns out that he wants to go to therapy so that he can work on his fears about not being a good husband but that he has already 100% decided he is going to ask me to marry him.


So why did he tell me that he needed to go because he still isn''t sure he is ready to get married? Well, as I supsected, he was trying to throw me off so that I would be surprised and not supecting a proposal anytime soon. But when he saw how much it upset me he realized he''d made a mistake and was toying with my emotions.


So a few nights ago he told me that although he wanted it to be a surprise, he doesn''t want to go to great lengths to make it one if that means making me feel like he''s still unsure about us. So over the past few days we''ve looked at hundreds of rings online and have picked a couple of settings. So there will some element of surprise in that I am not positive which setting he will be getting (although I sure hope its this one cuz I love it so much!!!!!)

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/cushion-cut-micropave-halo-by-mark-t.57464/


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Yay, GREAT news, babe!!!! I''ll bet that felt like the weight of the world fell off your shoulders!!!
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That''s great news designchica!!
 
Yay!! Here''s hoping you''ll be off the list soon!!
 
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