Hello and goodbye?

[Fredana]

Hello all. I've been an unofficial member, reading, relating and releasing along with the rest of you and finally decided to make a name and join the fun!

Not sure why I decided today was the day, but perhaps it's because I feel like I need to express my emotions through my ups and downs from the past few months. I'll try to keep this as short as possible for you!

I met my bf during my last semester in high school. He saw me at a wedding and asked all of his friends who I was and finally got my contact information even though it took him months to conjure up the courage to contact me via instant messenger... Fast forward 8 years.

We've been through a lot. A lot of ups and a lot of downs. We always knew marriage would not happen for years of being together because of our age. We are both 26 now. I wanted to finish school, get a masters and find a job (which I have all accomplished!). I feel as if NOW I am finally ready to settle down and transition into the lifestyle of being his wife.

Just as I finished my masters and was looking for a job, his job was transferred to NYC from Michigan (where we both live). He decided to take the job and live out there for about a year. Because my family is very strict due to culture, I could not visit him as often as we both wished and we ended up taking a break due to stress and failed communication attempts to explain why I couldn't come and failed attempts to understand why because we have been together for so long. Because he was new at the company, he was laid- off and came back home where we reconnected and have been together ever since. Not soon after he came back, he asked me to find "the perfect ring". I did, but nothing ever came of it. I was fine with waiting a while, due to the fact that I still hadn't found a job post graduation....

Fast forward again to now.

Last year September he mentioned really looking at rings and getting a move on things.. Then his father was diagnosed with cancer, and he had to take a leave of absence from work to fully care for him. It was a really hard year, in every aspect. He passed away in May, and culturally (we come from the same culture) we are not supposed to "celebrate" for a year. Well the "mourning year" is coming to an end and perhaps so is our relationship?

He is now working, but about an hour from home. We do not live together, but live apx. half hour away. We can only see each other on the weekends, due to work conflicting work hours. I'm not sure if time apart and crazy schedules is to blame, or his slight depression with living alone (his father lived with him). I feel less connected to him and even when we are together, it's like I don't know what to say because his response is usually short and uninterested. He is still affectionate and loves to cuddle and tells me he loves me and mentions marriage. But when I mentioned it last, he said, "I would marry you right now at the city hall, I wish we didn't have to do the hoopla of a wedding." I originally said this months ago and his response was that it, "is not fair to our families."

We know culturally we have to have a wedding. There is no way our marriage would be even considered "official" without a church ceremony and reception. WE both know that, and I don't know if that's where his hesitation is coming from. But we cannot seem to agree on anything related to a wedding lately. When we start talking about it he says, "let's enjoy today and worry about it next time." It's like he wants to have nothing about a marriage conversation lately. I know nothing will happen proposal wise until well into the summer, and I don't know if I am being too intense, which I DO NOT think I am. I have never pressured in the 8 years we've been together, but not that the time is getting closer, I need to know if it's happening or not.

I don't know why he's stalling and I don't know if I wait any longer. I deserve to know, but feel as if our communication in the past few weeks has been really weak. I have accomplished everything in my life and feel great about my efforts... everything besides this. This is the only thing that has not gone in the way that I envisioned it.

I guess I'm just confused.. Perhaps only time will tell.

 

[TooPatient]

Lots of hugs to you. The waiting is so hard -- as is the expectation of your family/community to have a wedding.

 

[Fredana]

Thanks Toopatient. I was hoping to find some solace here!

Just don't know if I should press the issue and bring it up, or continue without mention and see if he brings it up soon. grrrrr

 

[Amys Bling]

Sounds like he is depressed I've his father. He initially said you couldn't t do that to you families (elope or go to court house) but now that his father past he is saying go to a court house one day- on another he doesn't even want to discuss marriage. I really think its the passing of his father. is there someone he can talk to?

 

[Fredana]

Amys Bling: He is one of those men who never ask for directions/go to the doctor/ ask for help. He has had emotional moments and apologizes heavily every time it happens. I do my best to be there and comfort him. I haven't mentioned to him that he should maybe find a grievance counselor, but I know he won't want to..

You have brought up an interesting point; maybe my goal should be trying to find him some more comfort in this time instead of seeking answers for me.

Thanks for the reality check - I appreciate it!

 

[audball]

You have to do what is best for you. If you really feel like you're there and he's nowhere close, you have to make the decision if you're willing to forgo your own feelings and wait, for him. If you're not, you have your answer and you need to go with your gut. Your feelings are unlikely to change for the better during the waiting game and, if anything, will get worse as the resentment grows.

Go with your gut. It's usually right. We're here if you need to talk. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Fredana]

Audball.. I've followed your journey and just want to say what a strong/inspiring woman you are! I wish you the best!

It's been a while since I've felt like we've been 50/50 in our relationship. He got laid off, that pushed things, he comes back to look for a job, that pushed things, his father fell ill, that pushed things, and now his father is gone, that is pushing the marriage now.

Through all of these things, we've made it, and I selfishly or not want to know what is going to happen, sooner rather than later, but as Amys Bling mentioned, I wonder if it's because of going through a hard time currently. He says he wants it to happen, and wishes it was easier and no fuss.... but when?! I think I am already starting to feel resentment for not being able to know what the future will hold.
He mentions "oh when we are married...." but then when it comes to having a heart to heart conversation about it; consider it pretty nonexistant.

 

[decodelighted]

I suspect he's depressed too. The passing of a parent, especially the same sex parent -- can be incredibly traumatic. Especially for closed off people who have trouble processing emotions.

It's a shame that these set-backs have taken place during your timetable for romance ... but, well, that's life. These are the very same things that will happen once you're married. And how he's reacting to them now is the same way it would be then. In a way, these tests help you determine if you'd succeed at the tests that life will throw you later.

If your instinct is to run away & save yourself. Maybe that's your gut trying to tell you something. Maybe the fire w/this guy is already dimming. One way to tell is to talk to a therapist *yourself*. Unfortunately you can't really control him. You can express your concern that he might be depressed & give him resources, but you can't control him. Or his desire to move forward in his life w/you.

Good luck!

 

[Fredana]

Decodelighted: Thanks for the reply.

My instint isn't to run, in the 8 years it's been together, I can't say I've ever felt that. There is just something "different" now and I can't pinpoint it. I don't know if it his depression, or at this point maybe second guessing taking the next step.

In the time we've been together, we've felt pressure from both of our families but I never over emphasised time or pressured him.I would never want my husband to be a husband because he felt like he had to or it was the next step. I want a husband who is excited to spend his life with me. And right now, I feel like there is no excitement about anything in his life at the moment. He is just closing off and shutting down when it comes to talks about the future- UNLESS he brings them up first.

I'm just confused and feel like we are at a standstill.

 

[Amys Bling]

Also his statement of: think about today as not worry about tomorrow leads me to feel his fathers passing has taken a serious toll. A dear friend had his father suffer from cancer for a year before passing and it was bad.. He always make similar remarks about living in today and not planning for tomorrow and I think his fathers passing has lead him to this mentality. I agree with living for the day- but to not plan for the future sue fear of death and endings- isn't ideal. My friend didn't go to college or seriously commit o girlfriends for the mentality of not planning anything for a future he might not get to live. I believe my friend needs counseling.., he does not agree with me :/

 

[audball]

Audball.. I've followed your journey and just want to say what a strong/inspiring woman you are! I wish you the best!

It's been a while since I've felt like we've been 50/50 in our relationship. He got laid off, that pushed things, he comes back to look for a job, that pushed things, his father fell ill, that pushed things, and now his father is gone, that is pushing the marriage now.

Through all of these things, we've made it, and I selfishly or not want to know what is going to happen, sooner rather than later, but as Amys Bling mentioned, I wonder if it's because of going through a hard time currently. He says he wants it to happen, and wishes it was easier and no fuss.... but when?! I think I am already starting to feel resentment for not being able to know what the future will hold.
He mentions "oh when we are married...." but then when it comes to having a heart to heart conversation about it; consider it pretty nonexistant.

Thank you for the compliments.

Feeling resentment and feeling like you're putting in more than half the work is going to make that resentment you already feel build over the coming months. Only you know the answer to this: is he ALWAYS making excuses for why not now and why you have to wait, or do you truly feel that it's because of the happenings of life recently? If you don't feel like he's intentionally putting it off, then I think you do your best to support him right now since what he's going through is hard. It's life, and as deco said, it's marriage. Do you two generally want the same things in life? Have you had all the major discussions about how you'll live your married life together? If you're on the same page about everything and it's just timing, wait it out awhile longer. But I also encourage you to TALK to him. Keeping your feelings inside will only build your resentment. One thing I've learned from past relationships is to not be afraid to voice my feelings at all times. You have a right to feel the way you do, even in light of the current situation with his dad. Don't be completely self centered or selfish about it, but you can definitely broach the topic and your feelings so you can feel some relief.

 

[audball]

I suspect he's depressed too. The passing of a parent, especially the same sex parent -- can be incredibly traumatic. Especially for closed off people who have trouble processing emotions.

It's a shame that these set-backs have taken place during your timetable for romance ... but, well, that's life. These are the very same things that will happen once you're married. And how he's reacting to them now is the same way it would be then. In a way, these tests help you determine if you'd succeed at the tests that life will throw you later.

If your instinct is to run away & save yourself. Maybe that's your gut trying to tell you something. Maybe the fire w/this guy is already dimming. One way to tell is to talk to a therapist *yourself*. Unfortunately you can't really control him. You can express your concern that he might be depressed & give him resources, but you can't control him. Or his desire to move forward in his life w/you.

Good luck!

Very sound advice, as usual, deco.

 

[Seattle SC]

Just thought I'd chime in since I somewhat feel like I can relate to your bf. I'd agree with everyone else though, and say that he's depressed and his father's death is taking it's toll on him. Since I'm the type to shut down as well, I can't give the best of advice but I'd say try to find a good time to talk to him about your relationship. See if he's will to go to counsuling, not to help him necessarily get over the death of his father, but to work out your issues instead. There's nothing he can do to bring his father back, but he does have an option to make sure he doesn't lose you too. I'd at least give him that.

 

[Fredana]

Well we talked last night... sort of. He released some things that were frustrating him. Which is a start in the right direction. He mentioned that I don't visit him enough at work and that he thinks my family doesn't like him.

Let me explain further.

I am a teacher, which means he can't come visit my job, technically. He owns a restaurant.. It is an hour away from my house, and after working 6 days a week, teaching an afterschool program 2 days a week and taking 2 classes, 2 other nights a week, time slips away. I know I should visit him more, but the ONE evening I have.. usually consists of laundry, and a shower here and there. HAHA! So making time to visit is critical and is something I will be doing more of.

Second, my family is VERY strict. In our culture, traditionally you live with your parents until you are married. I live with mine and althouh I am 26, they call/text me/leave messages/ if I am not home in what they think is a decent hour.. Let's say 10/11? They have also called/texted him to tell me to come home. Crazy, yes, I realize. He thinks they don't like him (which I explained very well that they don't hate him.) But they know I am at his house alone, until late night and God knows what does through their minds that they go so crazy. AND, my family believes that unless there is a ring on it, the relationship is not "official" therefore they have only met a handful of times, and really... don't know each other. Yes, all of this still occurs after 8 years and being 26.

Soo.. Needless to say. I feel his pain. This weekend will be dedicated to talking and seeing where things will go!

 

[audball]

Do keep us updated to any progress. This is the kind of thing that really can put a damper on the good things happening in your life, but it is part of life. If you can get through this as unscathed as possible, things may turn around

 

[Fredana]

Hello all.

Well things got better, then they got worse, and right now I'm not really sure where they are. I asked him if he still loved me and he said "yes, of course, but I'm not in love with our relationship" and truthfully, either am I.

I actually took a vacation with my family to clear my head and give us time to think about what we want and need. We both love each other, and imagined our lives together but we are both unhappy with the way our relationship is currently. We both feel disconnected from one another. So.. I will give you a better update within a week when I get back home and to "normal".


Thanks for asking audball! Means a lot...

 

[audball]

Hello all.

Well things got better, then they got worse, and right now I'm not really sure where they are. I asked him if he still loved me and he said "yes, of course, but I'm not in love with our relationship" and truthfully, either am I.

I actually took a vacation with my family to clear my head and give us time to think about what we want and need. We both love each other, and imagined our lives together but we are both unhappy with the way our relationship is currently. We both feel disconnected from one another. So.. I will give you a better update within a week when I get back home and to "normal".


Thanks for asking audball! Means a lot...

Oh no

Try and focus on what you really want for your life and in your future. If he can help that be achieved maybe it'll work out. But you may be starting to see a picture of being happier without him. It's a tough situation to be in. Good luck - you're in my thoughts!

 

[Amys Bling]

I understand that you're parents are strict- but to e honest I don't think their over involvement in your relationship (calling and texting your bf telling you to come home by a certain time...) as a 26yr old is helping you.

I think part of the relationship issues stem from your parents over involvement and views on the one you spend with your bf. air down with your parents and have a heart to heart,..,

 

[tammy77]

I understand that you're parents are strict- but to e honest I don't think their over involvement in your relationship (calling and texting your bf telling you to come home by a certain time...) as a 26yr old is helping you.

I think part of the relationship issues stem from your parents over involvement and views on the one you spend with your bf. air down with your parents and have a heart to heart,..,

+1
I had a really long post typed out but deleted it because I don't want my message to get lost in the anger I STILL have towards my ex because of the crap he put me through in order to not anger his parents.

Let me point out why I think your BF is stalling/backing off.

He lost his job and had an extended period of unemployment - that's a blow to self esteem.

His father died of cancer recently - I don't even need to explain.

His girlfriend of EIGHT years can't stay overnight, much less past 11pm without angry phone calls from her parents to BOTH of you.

His girlfriend won't stand up to her parents, even when her long term boyfriend has just lost his father, is clearly suffering from loneliness and depression.

Despite all of the above things, his girlfriend took a vacation with her parents in order to clear her head instead of taking that time off to go spend with him to work out the problems.

It sounds like you're not ready to grow up and you're going to lose this guy. It's not fair of you to answer to your parents and string him along. Just cut him loose if you're not willing to be an adult, make your own decisions and be there for him when HE needs you. A ring doesn't make a relationship strong. A united couple that's there for each other in their hour of need makes a couple, among other things. I don't see how he could possibly be in love with your relationship. You don't have one with him because your parents are sitting right between both of you and from what I can tell (the recent vacation w/them, etc.) that's the way you actually want it.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Your parents do not approve of him or rather have not choosen him for you, and you are therefore emotionally unavailable to him. Have I missed something--what else is there?

 

[SweetAsscher]

Is it possible that he is having trouble planning a marriage with you bcuz if he does then he has to face the reality that he is moving on with life without his father? I'm sure he always thought his father would be there at his wedding and maybe now it is really painful for him to go forward with those plans knowing one of the most important people in his life will be missing from one of the most important moments in his life.
If he doesn't think about the future then he doesn't need to plan a life in which his father doesn't exist.

My father-in-law passed away one year ago. Two months after he passed my husband and I had our second child. As happy of a time as that was I also know that my husbands heart was hurting to not be able to share it with his dad.
It's kind of like the amount of our happiness is equalled by the sadness of not having his dad around to share it.

 

[njng_dash]

You have to make a choice between your current family - your parents - and your potential new family with your BF. My family is from a traditional background where in the home country almost everyone lives with mom and dad until marriage - but I have never in my life heard of parents exerting as much control over relationships as your parents are. Maybe your culture is ridiculously strict but I have a feeling that you might also have a strict family beyond what your culture dictates.

Also - and I hope this doesn't sound harsh - but if your family was the main problem in keeping you two apart, he would have proposed years ago so you'd be married and living together already. The fact that it hasn't happened means that either YOU are not really ready to leave mom and dad, or that HE is not really committed to making the relationship work long-term. I suspect it's actually the former which is causing the latter.

 

[Fredana]

Thank you ladies.

This is just what I needed. There is so much that I wish I could tell my sister or friends but they will always be biased. I appreciate your comments and suggestions.

Looks like I have a mess to clean up! I have been hiding under my parents shadow for a while especially during these uneasy times with my boyfriend. I guess I didn't know where to go or what to do, so I reverted to what was most comfortable, not knowing so. But once it was pointed it, it makes it visible and relevant.

I am going to do my best to be the woman he loves, without the baggage of parental control. I am going to do my best to be there when he needs me like I should have been... Just hope it's not too late at this point.

 

[audball]

I think that's a good approach. Good for you taking the criticisms so gracefully. It's hard. But I think the other ladies are right. Good luck...be sure to let us know how it's going!

 

[Phdecorate]

Hi, I am new here, so just reading your posts....how are things going? Have you made any progress?

 

[dandyandi]

Hi Fredana,

I'm afraid I don't have much to add that hasn't already been advised to you... I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you and your SO are going through this difficult time. I can relate with you on having strict parents and somewhat of a culture-clash. I'm going through a similar stage of stating my independence from my very traditional and controlling parents. It's not an easy transition, but you have very good reasons to do it! (For your SO and your relationship!)

Anyway, I'm rooting for you and your happiness! Please keep us updated! *big hug!*

 

[audball]

I hope you'll come update us soon! I keep looking for you to post...

 

[Fredana]

Hi ladies..

Thanks for the words of encouragement and the check ins. I appreciate it.

I'm not sure what's going on to be honest. I'll give you guys a quick run down and then keep you posted as more happens.

I had a talk with my mom, a real heart to heart and she seems to understand how important it is to be able to make my own decisions and back off (in a nice way). She has agreed and has followed through so far. So things on that front look better.

BUT, back to the BF - he still thinks that my parents "hate him" and that even though "he will never stop loving me" he thinks we are in a "failing relationship". This week he got off of work early after going in at the butt-crack of dawn and asked me to come over... He fell asleep on the couch before I got there. I felt bad to wake him up so we cuddled for a while and when I told him I should go (it was 1am) he gave me a kiss, hug, walked me out and that was that. Haven't talked to him or seen him in 3 days.

Let me give you some background history though. This isn't the first time he has shut down. He's done this before. And I know now that pressure is higher for him to make the move since his 1 year period of mourning is over soon, and he may feel depressed, and ALL of our friends are engaged, getting married (next month) which we are standing up in the wedding together, or onto having babies, so I am trying to be patient with him and not show that it is bothering me, and giving him the space that he needs, but it's getting frustrating. He's done it before where he just takes days off from the relationship and hides from everyone. He did this to his sister a while ago and went weeks without talking to her. He has no problem shutting people out. It's a little scary, because he is 26 years old and either needs to step up and be the man that I always thought he was or seek counseling because he is secluding himself in misery. =(

I've been there through everything with him (he hasn't had the easiest life) through job loss, moving, death, etc. and I have never once left him during happy, sad, joyous, traumatic, rich or poor. This silent period has made me realize more than anything that I have loved him unconditionally and it seems like at this point, the unconditional love is not mutual.

Sooo.. Right now I'm being super, duper, uber patient to the point where I am surprising myself... But let's see how much longer I can take it.

 

[tammy77]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear that the update isn't a great one. I'm glad that you're being supportive and that you've had the conversation with your mom. I can't help but feel like your BF is in a DEEP depression that he needs help with. Shutting down for days to weeks at a time, doom and gloom about your relationship, etc. are all big red flags.

My DH was in a situation like this when he went through a very rough patch in his life right when I first met him. He was alone and had been relocated by his job for the 6th (!!) time in 3 years (not city moves, entire states). He wouldn't speak to his family for weeks at a time, let his bills slip, missed time at work, etc.

I'd love to say that he got help, but he didn't. The only thing that helped was getting him out of the environment where he was constantly alone. He moved back to his mom's for a bit to regain a sense of balance, then eventually moved out here to California. He's been doing great for the past 3+ years - working, communicating with family and generally very healthy mentally.

My guess is that your BF is not dealing well with living alone and he's not optimistic about your relationship because he's depressed - feelings of worthlessness or that everyone's out to get him/hates him are ALL classic signs of being seriously depressed.

I wish I had a solution for you instead of just guesses and observations. I'll try to come back after thinking for a bit. Big hugs to both of you.

 

[audball]

I'm so sorry Fredana. I hope it gets easier soon. tammy pretty much summed up my thoughts about it. I hope you can manage to do what's best for you while you work through this.