Hello and goodbye?

[Fredana]

Hi,



My guess is that your BF is not dealing well with living alone and he's not optimistic about your relationship because he's depressed - feelings of worthlessness or that everyone's out to get him/hates him are ALL classic signs of being seriously depressed.

I wish I had a solution for you instead of just guesses and observations. I'll try to come back after thinking for a bit. Big hugs to both of you.

It's like you are in my head. Thank you for your reply, although it doesn't "fix" anything it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I know that he feels like he's alone and everyone is out to get him. I sent him a text message today (he didn't answer my calls) and told him I love him, I'm there for him, etc. just so he knows that he has someone to lean on.

Not sure what will happen, but I do appreciate your input! And you too audball, for always checking up on me!

 

[audball]

Hi,



My guess is that your BF is not dealing well with living alone and he's not optimistic about your relationship because he's depressed - feelings of worthlessness or that everyone's out to get him/hates him are ALL classic signs of being seriously depressed.

I wish I had a solution for you instead of just guesses and observations. I'll try to come back after thinking for a bit. Big hugs to both of you.

It's like you are in my head. Thank you for your reply, although it doesn't "fix" anything it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I know that he feels like he's alone and everyone is out to get him. I sent him a text message today (he didn't answer my calls) and told him I love him, I'm there for him, etc. just so he knows that he has someone to lean on.

Not sure what will happen, but I do appreciate your input! And you too audball, for always checking up on me!

Anytime I wish it was better news or that it was going to be easier, but you've got a good head on your shoulders. Listen to your heart.

 

[tammy77]

Can you go spend the whole weekend with him?

 

[madelise]

Haven't talked to him or seen him in 3 days.

Let me give you some background history though. This isn't the first time he has shut down. He's done this before. And I know now that pressure is higher for him to make the move since his 1 year period of mourning is over soon, and he may feel depressed, and ALL of our friends are engaged, getting married (next month) which we are standing up in the wedding together, or onto having babies, so I am trying to be patient with him and not show that it is bothering me, and giving him the space that he needs, but it's getting frustrating. He's done it before where he just takes days off from the relationship and hides from everyone. He did this to his sister a while ago and went weeks without talking to her. He has no problem shutting people out. It's a little scary, because he is 26 years old and either needs to step up and be the man that I always thought he was or seek counseling because he is secluding himself in misery. =(

Fredana, I typed out a whole novel for you, but I'm not ready to "come out" with all the details. I have been in his shoes. It's been a year. Stop feeding into his insecurities with lovey dovey supportive texts. It's time to be stern. Force him to go to therapy. Make the appointments for him. Drive him there. Force him to talk to a professional. Having depression doesn't make him less of a man. Depression is a disease. And it can kill. Drag his ass out. Don't let him call the shots on ignoring you, or his sister. Get his family to help you. If he refuses to get help on an outpatient basis, you might have to force him to check into an inpatient clinical rehab for psychiatric help.

I could have died if my boyfriend waited just 10 more minutes. I wouldn't be alive today if he continued giving me lovey dovey soft love. I needed him to be hard on me, even if it meant me feeling betrayed and hurt for him "daring" to do so. It never has to reach that point. If he had only been stern with me prior to that point, it would have never happened. Don't treat depression lightly. And don't let him push you away.

 

[madelise]

and don't take anything *negative* or hurtful he says against you to heart. He's not himself.

 

[Fredana]

Wow, thank you Madelise, so much. I'm so sorry you've been through a hard time, I'm happy that you are okay and can reflect back and appreciate your BF for helping you when you wanted it least.

I need to change what I'm doing, something has to change. Thanks again.

I will keep you updated.

 

[16ocean]

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

There seem are a lot of variables in your situation Fredana. Whether or not your boyfriend chooses to go to counseling it’s his life and ultimately his decision. Perhaps if you see a therapist it might help sort things out for yourself, in this situation and others that arise in the course of life.

I wish you all the best during this very challenging time in your life.

 

[Fredana]

Hello friends, here's an update for all who are curious.

Basically, we parted ways last night. We both love each other and are really disappointed/devastated that it's come to this point. In the past few months, I've noticed a decline in his desire to do anything, even the way he looked at me was blank. There was no passion there any longer. I tried everything I could, from being there, to calling, to making his favorite dishes, to giving him space, to sweet nothings like cards.. anything to try to make him smile, and it just seemed like it was useless.

We talked, and cried and talked some more. He realizes that his life is taking a downhill ride. I, in some sense feel guilty for leaving him at this time, I think (or THOUGHT) I could help, but it's obvious in this case that this is something he has to do alone. He has to find what he's looking for to bring that happiness back that he had, and be the passionate man he once was. I feel like if I am there, he might feel like everything is fine and not get the motivation to change his life around for the sheer misinterpretation that everything is okay.

I feel like for him to be happy again, I can't stand in his way. He knows I love him, and I know he loves me, but the way things were, were not right. So this is his chance to make it right for himself. Which is the first step before anything can be right with anyone else, including me.

So, I am taking a new class tonight at the gym, and forcing myself to be strong, because really, I want to lay in bed all day and night until next month.

So, I'll be around.

Thanks again for everyone's help.

 

[Enerchi]

oh my.

Sounds like you are a very strong person and feel confident this is the way to go. I hope all goes smoothly for both of you. Life is a challenge...

Take good care of yourself.

 

[Fredana]

Thanks,
I don't feel confident or like a strong person, but I do feel strongly that something had to change and be done. I feel torn, and I HOPE this is the right thing to do. Neither of us were happy, and I hope he realizes that although bad things have happened in his life there were uncontrollable, he now has the control, with no interference from me.

I have no idea if I made the right decision, but what I do know is that what we've BEEN doing hasn't been working.

 

[Enerchi]

You will be fine - you sound very mature in your thought process and very wise. Sometimes, as they saying goes, if you love something - set it free; if it comes back to you, its yours; if it doesn't, it never was. If this is the man for you and the relationship for you, it will happen. Unfortunately, the man in question needs to heal himself before he can love you fully.

I'm glad you are 'loving you' first and foremost. Stay busy, look after yourself, keep positive... time is the best healer. Thinking good thoughts for you Fredana

 

[audball]

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. I know it's hard right now, but Enerchi is right, you WILL be okay. Stay positive and try and go out and do things. Focus on you. 8 years is a long time to be tied to someone and feel like it's not going somewhere. Try and spend some time on yourself and keep moving forward.

 

[madelise]

Oh I'm so sorry that it has ended up this way, Fredana. But maybe this will be a good way for both of you to each grow independently? Find your strong self. Do things for YOU. Hopefully he'll figure out what he needs to do in life, and finds a way to come out of his rut. Talk to us here if you need to.. *Hugs*.

 

[pandabee]

I'm sorry to hear that you parted ways but it does sound like you know it was the right decision and you couldn't keep holding on for his sake. I wish you the best of luck and hope you are able to sort things out with yourself first. Please let us know if you need anything else <3

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

I've been following your story for a bit, and I'm sorry that it ended. I know it wasn't what you wanted, and I'm sure it was tough decision. But, may I be a little bold here, and still push him to get help? Depression is not something to be taken lightly, at all, even if it's part of coping and/or grieving. You've done everything you could in terms of being supportive, and letting him know you're there for him. But depression goes a lot deeper than not feeling supported, and could spiral downhill very quickly for no reason at all. It's imperative that he gets the help he needs and deserves to get out of it. My boyfriend is a psychologist and one of his clients' wife had to trick him into getting "couples" therapy so that her husband could finally get help for his depression. He only agreed to go because his wife went with him, but once he got there, he realized he needed to talk to a professional, and he agreed to meet with my boyfriend regularly, on his own. I'm not saying this is what you have to do, and there's a lot of stigma around getting help for mental health issues, but once the stigma clears, people say it's the best thing they ever did for themselves.

Sometimes it takes drastic measures like that, but it's so worth the effort. I've seen people crumble to depression, and if I was as intimately involved with one of them, I would never forgive myself for not doing my darned best to get them help. I know you've been patient, and an incredibly good girlfriend, please don't get me wrong. In this situation it might be worth a last ditch effort to get him to talk to someone just ONCE, and if he hates it, let him walk away and deal with his problems the way he thinks is best for him.

 

[Fredana]

I've seen people crumble to depression, and if I was as intimately involved with one of them, I would never forgive myself for not doing my darned best to get them help. I know you've been patient, and an incredibly good girlfriend, please don't get me wrong. In this situation it might be worth a last ditch effort to get him to talk to someone just ONCE, and if he hates it, let him walk away and deal with his problems the way he thinks is best for him.

Hi, this is the thing that I am thinking about the most. I called his sister, told her everything, and suggested that she help me in suggesting that he gets help. She happens to think that he just needs a big kick in the a$$ and this hopefully this is what he might need to realize that he needs to step up and do the right thing for himself. I was serious in my suggestion to her, and him, and he actually sent me a message saying "thank you for the advice".

I feel torn, I know that our passion for each other has died. And, I don't know what to do. I wish I could say that I am 100% confident in my decision but I'm not. I want him to know that I'm serious and that this is not what I want (he doesn't either) but I don't know what to do/say. I'm just lost.

This isn't good bye forever, we have the same friends and are supposed to stand up in a wedding together next month, so I know we will talk/see each other again, but this is whole situation is just a huge question mark over my head.

He might need a kick to wake up, he might need help. I don't know what to do..... =(

 

[Phdecorate]

Stay strong and see what happens. You want to end up in a relationship with someone who is able to give you all that you deserve and offer all of the things back to you that you offer to him. You can be hopefully that it may end up being him, if he gets help and if he wants to change. Unfortunately, sometimes life is very hard and you have to make hard choices. If you don't end up back together, you may look back years later with fondness for him and many happy memories and be glad you were able to get yourself to an entirely different place. Don't over focus too far ahead right now. Just think short term and keep doing things for yourself like the gym, etc to keep you going. Even some therapy to talk it out might help.

Try setting a small goal for next week, and one for the week after, or find a small way to treat yourself ( a mss age or pedicure? A new pair of shoes?) for getting through a week or two.

Time does heal. It also leaves nothing but memories....

 

[audball]

Thinking of you...hope you're feeling a little better. One day at a time.

 

[Fredana]

Hi ladies,
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am actually doing better than I thought I would be doing. I don't know if it still doesn't feel real to me that we are broken up or whether I feel like I am finally in control of my life. For so long, I have seen him close off emotionally and I tried everything... everything I could think of. And to be honest, even though the one year of mourning is almost over, and an engagement was probably on the horizon somewhere, I just felt like I wasn't as happy (neither was he) as we should be at such a joyous time. It felt like the closer we got, the more excuses he would come up with, and the more excuses I would have to make for him to everyone around us. I really do love him, and I hope for his sake he finds himself again.

I know we will see each other soon enough at our mutual friends wedding, and I'm curious/scared to see what my feelings will be when I see him. But I am taking it day by day and not too worried, I know everything will eventually work out the way it is supposed to. But for now, I will enjoy me.

 

[Fredana]

Oh, I also forgot to mention...

He emailed me some sort of invitation to some online shopping website. I thought it was cute that he was in a way showing he was thinking about me, then it turned into... "really, wtf is this?!" If he wanted to say something, I wish he would call or text instead of send me something like that.


Whatever.

 

[audball]

Hi ladies,
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am actually doing better than I thought I would be doing. I don't know if it still doesn't feel real to me that we are broken up or whether I feel like I am finally in control of my life. For so long, I have seen him close off emotionally and I tried everything... everything I could think of. And to be honest, even though the one year of mourning is almost over, and an engagement was probably on the horizon somewhere, I just felt like I wasn't as happy (neither was he) as we should be at such a joyous time. It felt like the closer we got, the more excuses he would come up with, and the more excuses I would have to make for him to everyone around us. I really do love him, and I hope for his sake he finds himself again.

I know we will see each other soon enough at our mutual friends wedding, and I'm curious/scared to see what my feelings will be when I see him. But I am taking it day by day and not too worried, I know everything will eventually work out the way it is supposed to. But for now, I will enjoy me.

This is good. You need to feel in control of your life. I hope the meeting goes well at the wedding. Try to make sure you don't emit much emotion and make it clear that you are in a 'friend only' place, at least for now.

 

[audball]

Oh, I also forgot to mention...

He emailed me some sort of invitation to some online shopping website. I thought it was cute that he was in a way showing he was thinking about me, then it turned into... "really, wtf is this?!" If he wanted to say something, I wish he would call or text instead of send me something like that.


Whatever.

Don't worry about this. You two probably shouldn't be talking right now anyway. He needs to work through some of his personal issues and you need to learn not to feel tied to him for awhile. It's good he didn't call or text. It's easier to ignore an email like this. And that's exactly what you should do.