Help! Big fight with bf concerning LIWitis

[Amys Bling]

I'm sorry that you're struggling with a difference of timelines for marriage.

I must agree with him, 20 is young. Plus you're both in school and reliant on your parents for support. That's not an ideal start to any long-term, adult relationship. It's so cliche, but you will change a lot in your 20s. I remember one of my friends getting married in her very early 20s and it about sent me over the edge. I wanted to get married!

If this is the right guy - with common goals in life, ideas about marriage and family, and how to manage households, extended family, work priorities and religion - then he'll come around. Bringing up marriage years before he wants it, and before you've finished school and can support yourselves, may end up in a lot of heartache for you both. And as a now 30 year old who got married at 24 years old, damn is marriage shockingly hard! It's not so much the 1st year, it's the rest of your life thing.

Couldn't have said it better. I have to agree with him, 20 is away to young and you both have way too much going on. THe biggest mistake you can make it pressuring someone to get married before they are ready- and before you are both financially ready. Money issues is in the top two reasons for divorce. Sex is the other and the sex issues stem from lack of communication, people not being happy where they are, and from trying to escape pressures at home. If he is "the one" for you- the last thing you want to do it rush into marriage and bring stress on the both of you.... if he's the one, you will be together forever and 26 is not old when getting engaged or married. I was with my husband since we were 14 years old and we got engaged at 27 and married at 28. Forever is forever, so what is the rush into marriage?

 

[amc80]

Of course, it's really tough for a man to propose.

No, it's not. If a man wants to propose and spend the rest of his life with someone, he will.

 

[LaraOnline]

Perhaps I'm weighing in a little late here..
Hey, Misaki!
Ultimately I believe from your post that your issue is about values. This is why the oh-so-practical response of 'forget about marriage' just doesn't ring for you, becos you have, for whatever reason, developed a whole series of values that appeal and apply to you.

Good on you! Values and ideals are very important in life!
Unfortunately, they often don't translate well on paper. So you can expect when you discuss your situation with others, that you will not necessarily get a lot of support or even recognition of your values. Values are, after all, very personal.

Personally, I think you are in quite a challenging time of life, sexually and romantically speaking.
Too young to be 'taken seriously', and yet living an adult life...it's a difficult path. Everybody responds to these challenges differently.
Some want to be idealistic and harness their romantic urgings in marriage...others want to give it a bit of a go but keep their options open.

I can empathise with you because I also felt that I wanted to experience a well rounded sexual and romantic life...within marriage.
Unfortunately, in my social circle this was completely out of sync with expectations, and so for the sake of companionship (and of course the chance of future marriage with someone I liked) I went the usual route of long term but no commitment bf.

Did this make me feel happy? No.
Would I have been better off on my own? Quite possibly. At least then I wouldn't have felt like such a hypocrite. I also felt quite a lot of frustration about not being able to 'play the field' and find someone better who did want to marry!

I am happily married now - married at 32! - and while the last five years of my single life weren't the most enjoyable process, I did finally end up with a Mr Pretty-Much-Perfect, who takes his family life and responsibilities seriously. (although it would be great if he coughed up more bling heheh)

This sex-and-love before marriage stuff IS serious for some of us dames... but at the end of the day, experience is knowledge. By marrying late I did have the smarts to pick a decent guy. By staying positive I also knocked a few of my own edges off...I'm probably a better and more steady partner now than earlier, when I had so much going on in terms of setting my life up. My earlier 'picks' were pretty hopeless, too tbh.Much better to NOT have married them. I would have ended up with a really selfish jerk.

Amys Bling sounds on the money. 26 IS a good age for planning to marry. But the most important thing of all is that you be happy, and unconflicted, on a daily basis. If you have to chuck a good guy overboard to find your peace, or to reconcile your values, so be it. Don't expect others to understand. But it is most important that you live your life as far as possible without regrets, and without basic violation of your values.

 

[princesss]

Threadjack:

Lara! Welcome back! We haven't seen you around in a while. How have you been?

 

[LaraOnline]

Hey Princess!
It is cool that you remember me!
How are things with you?
I'm baa-aack heheh. My husband SURPRISED me with a HOF 5-stone eternity ring this christmas.... and it's my 40th next week and I am expecting 'big things' HOF?? so back to PS I come heh!
Wish he'd let me pick and do all the shopping though!! Men! I keep telling him I'll buy his boat he's been dreaming of his whole life...just give me the cheque book I'll be down the local boat shop and back in hour haha I haven't been able to sleep I am so nervous

anyway, sorry about the thread jack Misaki