Help! Hubby upset about new ring

[StefJam]

Hello, I''m new here and I''m glad I found you all! Here is my dilemma: My wedding ring is a yellow gold "swirl" ring with a 1/4 carat diamond and two teeny sidestones. It is a sweet ring that I''ve proudly worn for 12 years, but honestly, I would not have picked this ring out for myself. Recently I was given a beautiful 1 carat solitaire ring by my husband''s aunt. She told me it is the family diamond and I can do whatever I want with it in terms of making it into new jewelry. My husband and I discussed the idea of having it placed into my current ring. But to be perfectly honest, I would really love to have a white gold or platinum ring since just about all the jewelry I wear is of a white metal. Sooooo, I''ve been out looking and I found and fell in love with a gorgeous ring for my 1 carat stone. It''s a half-bezel setting with four princess cut diamonds on either side, in either a white or platinum setting. After talking with my husband about it for the last week I went back to the jeweler yesterday and they will begin making the ring next week. So when I come home my husband tells me that he''s upset that I don''t want my original ring anymore! He said he was so proud when he bought that ring because of what it represented and also he loves the fact that our rings "match" and now they won''t. Please know that he is a not a mushy, sentimental guy AT ALL, so all of this came right out of left field!!! I asked him about the possibility of alternating between wearing the new and old ring, and he seemed receptive to that, but now I''m unsure about the whole thing!!! Do I forget about the new white metal wedding ring that I''ve ALWAYS wanted and stick with my original ring or do I go for it and hope for the best??? HELP!!!!

 

[sumi]

Hmmm, is there a way maybe to incorporate your old stones in to the new ring? Then you would still always be wearing part of the original ring that he gave you.

For what it's worth, my wedding ring does not match my husband's. We decided that we should pick out something that we really like because we'll have to wear it everyday. It was more important to us that we wear something that we really loved, than it was to match. For us, just the fact that we wear wedding rings is enough to show our commitment. I actually only know of one couple who have matching rings.

 

[hoorray]

Can you wear your original ring as a right hand ring sometimes? Or, reset the stones into a pendant or something?

For what it's worth, ours don't match either. We each have different styles, and our rings match our styles. It doesn't lesson the sentiment to us.

 

[strmrdr]

Well it is really up too you.
But to be honest I see his point.
I would be more than a little ticked off in the same position he is in.

How would you feel if you spent a long time finding agonizing over a ring for the most important person in your life while sweating a life altering decision and the chance of one of the worst rejections known and the person "proudly wears it for 12 years" then decides its crap and wants a new one.
He hid his real feelings about it for while but it would have eaten at him if he hadnt said anything.
So at the 11th hour he does...
So the question becomes are you going to kick him and change rings or not?

You can always have the size changed and wear the other ring as a right hand ring or something .....

just my 2c .....

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi,

My husband's ring and my rings don't match either. . .in fact, my eng. ring and wedding band don't even match each other (lol). . .

Honestly, after twelve years of wearing the same ring, you have every right to ask for a change. Peoples' tastes evolve over time. This is just the way it is, we grow, we change.

If you're liking white metals and have always liked them, chances are you'll be happy with your new upgraded ring for years to come. Maybe renew your vows with your new ring in order to create new sentimental value with your new ring

Also, I like the idea of making your current wedding set into a right hand ring.

Good luck with your decision.

Michelle

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 1/31/2004 2:33:02 PM MichelleCarmen wrote:

Hi,

Maybe renew your vows with your new ring in order to create new sentimental value with your new ring

Also, I like the idea of making your current wedding set into a right hand ring.

Good luck with your decision.

Michelle----------------

Both good ideas.

Also, he could re-propose with the new ring as my hubby did. Same way, Same place.

 

[Jennifer5973]

My original diamond isn't the greatest....I even posted here a few months ago panicking that the cut was poor since I had learned so much on the forum... here is the thread:

http://www.pricescope.com/forum/topic10814.html

Bottom line: It would have hurt my husband's feelings so badly to trade in my original diamond that I banished the thought from my head.

I learned a good lesson...if it will really hurt his feelings, don't do it. Wear the ring on the right hand.

Just my 2 cents ...good luck.

 

[ChooChoo]

I think you should tell him, as sweetly as you can, that the white gold ring you want is your dream, and ask him to help you make it meaningful (the proposing again idea is great!). As far as the old ring goes, you can either wear it sometimes, or if you have a daughter, maybe ask what he would think about resizing it and giving it to her as a gift?

P.S. I don't blame you at all - if I had a yellow gold ring, I wouldn't want to wear it either because it wouldn't match anything I have! And matching rings with your husband is fixable too - you could both get new white gold rings and renew vows with them.

 

[StefJam]

Thanks for all the input!!
You all had so many great ideas. I was seriously going to take the diamond out of the old ring and have it made into a white gold bezel set pendant that I would never take off. That way, I'd still have part of the old ring closer to my heart at all times. But that was until yesterday when I found out that he was upset about that too!! Seems he wants to keep the ring intact, unless I replaced it with the bigger stone. I can't wear the ring on my right hand unless I resize it (1/2 size difference between the two fingers!) and it would still be yellow gold, which I want to get away from. I suggested getting a white gold band for him, but he likes the uniqueness of our current rings and doesn't want to do that. I like the idea of having him propose again with the new ring and also renewing our vows with it too. If it really becomes a problem I will look into having the old stones incorporated into a new ring and forget about the other ring all together.

For the record, I never said the old ring was crap and I realize now how he really feels about it, but it's a two way street and I hope we can come to some sort of compromise. I respect him very much for telling me how he feels (and am glad he didn't wait until after I put down the deposit!). But it's true, our tastes do change over time and I hope I can make him realize that, without hurting his feelings. But again, if it will hurt him deeply I won't do it.

Stef

 

[hoorray]

I have a yellow gold anniversary ring that is very sentimental to both of us. He picked it out with no input from me, which can be problematic! It is not something I ever would have picked myself, but I love it and wear it on my right hand a lot -- even tho everthing else I am wearing is white gold or platinum. It looks great, it is separated enough from the white look and I know my husband likes the fact that I wear it and enjoy it.

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 1/31/2004 6:46:34 PM StefJam wrote:

Seems he wants to keep the ring intact, unless I replaced it with the bigger stone. I can't wear the ring on my right hand unless I resize it (1/2 size difference between the two fingers!) and it would still be yellow gold, which I want to get away from. ----------------

On a realistic note, you may not be able to use the setting w/ the larger stone. In fact, I doubt you can without major remake.

 

[Mara]

Hmm tough call. It would actually drive me nuts if my husband did this....surely he must understand there is always room for change! Plus you wore the original for 12 years...an upgrade is way overdue.

I would not be as concerned as you are about the whole thing...I would probably just set him straight in terms of not pushing what he feels is best onto me. If after 10 or so years he wanted a newer ring or a different style, that's his perogative...I would honestly never want to hinder that. But that's just how I am about anything...I don't believe in stifling people at all...they should do what they want to do.




I would possibly have the original setting remade in white gold or platinum and then wear that on your right hand with the original diamond. I also would still consider the pendant setting thing which is the whole 'close to your heart' thing.




Or maybe just shelve the idea of modifying the original ring for a while until he gets over his fit of pique. Continue to have the new ring made (you discussed and he agreed, no going back now!)...and then hopefully he will come to accept it in time. But really....what is the big deal?

 

[strmrdr]

*sarcasm*
Yea its no big deal he is just a guy.
His feelings dont count.

Now we cant have a guy standing between a gal and her ring now can we?

Maybe im just older than my years but I sure dont get some women these days.
But then again there is Jennifer5973, lop and a few others with a voice of sanity so maybe it just isnt me here who sees the right thing to do.

 

[caratgirl]

Aeeiiiii!!! He will get over it, I hope. Sure is a shocker when the guys surprise us. Maybe if you wait a little bit? After all, the diamond is not going anywhere.

My husband is very tolerant of my setting changes. He has had three of his own. The first one was yellow gold in a greek key design that we were married with (too wide to be comfortable for him). Then we found a great .50ct 7 stone yellow gold band that he just loved (still does, but it is too big due to weight loss). Then, we decided to look for a white gold ring with diamonds, since he started to collect a lot of high end white metal watches. He now wears a beautiful .60ct 10 stone channel set band. I guess that we are just not too emotionally attached to our material possesions.

 

[Mara]

----------------
On 1/31/2004 11:46:11 PM strmrdr wrote:







*sarcasm*
Yea its no big deal he is just a guy.
His feelings dont count.

Now we cant have a guy standing between a gal and her ring now can we?

Maybe im just older than my years but I sure dont get some women these days.
But then again there is Jennifer5973, lop and a few others with a voice of sanity so maybe it just isnt me here who sees the right thing to do.

------

Could you be any more dramatic? 'His feelings don't count'? Come on.

What I said was that I wouldn't appreciate my guy pitching a fit over something that I wanted to do, especially something so benign like place a family heirloom into a new ring AND still keep the old one. It doesn't have a thing to do with a 'gal and her ring'...but rather ANYTHING. I let people do what they want to do...period.

Don't read things into people's posts that don't exist. They discussed the options, she started work on the project, and THEN he decided to speak up. For me that does not fly and I would not be as accomodating as she is...different strokes for different folks.

 

[LesleyH]

Hi Stef:

How's this for a suggestion? Have the ring resized the half size difference and get the jeweler to have the ring rhodium plated. Rhodium plating is relatively inexpensive and will make the ring look like white gold. That way it will match your other "white" jewelry and you will be able to wear it all the time on your right hand.

I got married with an 18K yellow gold flat wedding band. It matched my engagement ring and I never took it off for 15 years. When I changed my engagement setting the wedding band didn't match anymore, so I got a whole new set. My kids were horrified that I wasn't wearing the ring "Daddy gave you on your wedding day". I have it safely locked away and everyone got used to the change really fast!

Please let us know what happens.

LesleyH
www.whiteflash.com

 

[strmrdr]

Dramatic maybe :}

Reading something that isnt there... dont think so...

"Or maybe just shelve the idea of modifying the original ring for a while until he gets over his fit of pique. Continue to have the new ring made (you discussed and he agreed, no going back now!)...and then hopefully he will come to accept it in time. But really....what is the big deal?"

The big deal he is upset about it... but i guess that dont matter does it?

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 2/1/2004 10:31:06 AM strmrdr wrote:


The big deal he is upset about it... but i guess that dont matter does it?
----------------

It's all relative. And, I understand Mara's post. I don't cater to someone who *makes* me do something. It's that pesky free will thing. That said, I didn't think her husband was *that* vested in the notion. I got the impression that perhaps he was seeking validation regarding the sentimentality, etc of her orig. ring. I think some time to "think" about it is warranted.

And, marriage is all about working things out to a compromise that everyone can live with.

 

[EdSkinner]

I inherited the family "ring". Nice sort of Art Deco, filgree ring. But it was too long for my wifes fingers. She likes pins so I had the shank taken off and put on a pin stem. She loves it. However if she didn't like it, I would have had the stones taken out of the ring and replaced with CZ's and let her do what every she wanted with the diamonds. That way the mounting would still be intack, she would have something she likes, and the mounting could always be refurbished. Now if she wanted to change the wedding ring, I would be alittle perterbed and hurt. To me the wedding ring reminds me of how far we have come and what it was like when we started. The aunt said she could do whatever she wants with it. Can't she wear it on another hand? Or have it made into something else? Also I wanted to say something about white gold. Keep it away from clorine. It breaks down the alloy and will eventually fall apart. So go with platinum if you like white metal.

 

[Mara]

Strm...your gal has alot to live up to!

My main beef with this original post is that they discussed the ideas beforehand. She doesn't say speficially if he said he was okay with the project, THEN she moved forward. But it's implied. So for him to discuss it with her for a week and then agree (assumed) and then speak up later? That would really not fly with me in terms of tolerance. Later does no one any good and just causes confusion. I would not want to kill the happiness buzz if I knew Greg was really excited about something. It would actually be quite selfish on my part in my opinion to speak up and take away that excitement--ESP on something like this. Really, it's not as though they are buying a house in another state and he doesn't want to move. Changing out a ring worn for 12 years with a family diamond? It's not like she went out and bought a new stone against his wishes. I feel like the scale of this whole thing is quite blown out.




Obviously this hubby has created some guilt with what he has said and his wife is concerned enough to try to garner advice from random forum people.

That's a tough call. In the end, Stef knows her hubby best and hopefully will also know best on how to diffuse the situation, but from experience I have learned that if you sometimes let things die down a bit you will find that in a few days...things look different. Sometimes Greg sounds quite irrational about things, or 'twitchy' as he likes to call it, and then a few days later...he's normal again. Men may not have the same monthly cycle as women but I swear they have SOMETHING.

Whatever you decide, good luck Stef!

Strm...take a chill pill bud

 

[strmrdr]

="padding-bottom:0;marginTop:0;marginBottom:0;">----------------
On 2/1/2004 12:42:05 PM Mara wrote:

----------------[/quote]


I really wasnt my intention to get into it with you this morning and my first post said my feelings on the subject but your post just rubed me the wrong way.
Its wierd how personality conflicts can flare up even on web boards isnt it?

As for my gal she would say the same thing I did.
I couldnt upgrade her ring if I wanted too even replacing it with a 2ct diamond she wouldnt let me.

Anyway im gonna kick back and take a chill pill :}

 

[Hest88]

Well, I also would be quite annoyed if my DH said nothing for a week and then pitched a hissy fit when I actually moved forward with the plans. Uh, how about some communication here? The time to express his displeasure would have been when she first started talking about the idea.

That said, for the sake of family harmony I'd also suggest a right-hand ring. However, I'd make sure he knew that this type of behavior would be unacceptable for any future decisions.

 

[StefJam]

Wow, I didn't think this would elicit such a big response...you guys have all been very helpful. Loved the idea of having the old ring remade in a white metal...why the heck didn't I think of that? I will ask the designer on Tuesday how much that would be.

Strmrdr, if my husbands feelings didn't count I would have gone ahead with the ring no matter what. I wouldn't have sought out help and advice. I thought maybe there was someone out there who had been through a similar experience and I was just looking for a little guidance. My husband's feelings mean the world to me and I don't appreciate the implication that I am just going to toss them aside. There's already too much drama in the world, I don't need any more. Again, it matters very much that he is upset. I appreciate all the suggestions and I think I am mature enough to take them all into account and be able to come up with a solution to make both sides happy. That being said, the one thing that he said to me (which he says often) that made me believe that he was behind this idea all the way was "you do what you need to do". How would you take that? In my mind he was saying "if that's what you want to do it's ok by me", so that's what I based everything on.

We have not mentioned it since Friday and I don't intend to just yet. I'll wait until I see the designer on Tuesday and then approach it again.

Enjoy the game today folks!!

Stef

 

[LesleyH]

Stef:

I didn't mean that you should have the ring remade. There is a process called rhodium plating where the yellow gold ring is dipped into rhodium and the ring will look just like white gold. In fact many white gold rings are rhodium plated to give them an even whiter and shinier look. The plating does not last forever, but lasts quite a long time under normal conditions. When the yellow starts coming through again, you can just take it back to be dipped again.

LesleyH
www.whiteflash.com

 

[Mara]

Actually Lesley, I had noted she may want to have the ring re-made into white gold or platinum. Sounds like Stef has many options to choose from, hopefully a few that will keep the peace.

 

[sumi]

This is such a touchy subject. On the one hand, the husband carefully chose something that he thought his wife would love. On the other hand, the wife is the one who must wear a ring that she might not be crazy about. The jewelry you wear says something about you and your tastes. I don't know how I would feel about wearing a ring every single day that I don't love.


I have a friend who got the most hideous e-ring. Her husband likes the cutting edge, artsy scene. He designed the ring himself and the diamond is set UPSIDE DOWN! Yikes, it's a really ugly ring. The sad part is, I think he spend a lot of money on it. There is a lot of platinum in the ring and the diamond looks like it would be really nice if it was set correctly. The best way to describe the ring is like a volcano with an upside down diamond in it. The craftsmanship is terrible too. Poor girl. I don't know if she actually likes the ring, but she's been wearing it for quite a while now. I bet she just doesn't have the heart to tell him.

Needless to say, after I saw that ring, I made sure to tell my husband (at that time, my boyfriend) that if he was going to design something, he should not pull anything like that.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

----------------
He designed the ring himself and the diamond is set UPSIDE DOWN! Yikes, it's a really ugly ring. ----------------

LOL!!! Sorry but I'm laughing my head off. Sounds hideous.

Michelle (who is especially glad at this moment that her husband lets her pick out all her own jewelery)

 

[tessa]

I am sorry, sir, but I think you have control issues.

Do you tell your wife how to wear her hair?

Do you pick out her lipstick too?

Do you recommend a particular type of women's sanitary protection or make her wear a particluar brand or fabric of underwear?

She has to wear the ring every day, not you.
It's a family heirloom from HIS side of the family anyway.

She is not rejecting him; she is not even rejecting the ring.
I would personally hate it if my DH picked out my jewelry with no regard for what I like.
I don't like that kind of ":surprise" proposals.

Send me a chill pill or two; I could use them now.

 

[esalyi]

I dont see what the big deal is...why cant you just make a new ring in the beautiful style you want but dont call it an "upgrade" or use it to replace your wedding ring...its just another ring in your wardrobe and wear it on your right hand like you would any other ring. Why do you need to replace the original wedding ring..that is the one that represents your marriage etc...any "upgrades" or new rings that you wear on your left finger in my opinion are not your wedding ring and you would be promoting it as such if you wore it there. Your wedding ring is the yellow gold one...so just get the new ring..it sounds fab and wear it on your other hand and wear your wedding ring on your wedding ring finger...

This would probably be fine with him as he is upset that you want to replace the old ring with the new one..I am sure he could care less about making a new ring with the stone for you to wear on your other hand. Get your old ring plated to look white to match your new ring and you are all set!

This is what I am doing in the future as I love my engagement ring and wedding rings but then again I picked them out! lol..but I plan on getting new diamond rings but they will be for my other hand

 

[Jennifer5973]

I love diamonds and think they are great fun, and I am as guilty if not more so as many of the lavish posters here in the amount of stuff I have acquired...what I've shown here is a fraction of the crap i have amassed. Hence, I have loved being a pricescope poster, but it's threads like this one that make me realize just how ridicuous the extremes are.

Anything--a diamond, a car, a can of tuna fish--that hurts someone who loves you's feelings just isn't worth it. I don't think it is about "control" or being "stifled." It is about deep sentimentaltiy around a significant piece of jewelry which--lest we forget--is supposed to be a symbol of love and fidelity, an outward sign of one of the most precious commitments two people can make. It is so easy to get caught up in how big it is or the perfect HCA score....without the feelings behind it, the diamond ring is as valuable as a piece of glass.

I don't know this poster or her husband, and to be honest, I am a bit confused by this thread at this point and what's going on, but regardless, sometimes we--including me--need some perspecvtive.

This week, we watched as my husband's 35-yr old friend, a loving husband and father of two with one on the way, was killed in a sensless car accident. Wake up--a diamond isn't worth anyone's feelings, especially someone you love. It's how we treat people every day that matters,especially those who love us. This is what defines who you are and your worth...not a diamond on your finger, no matter how "perfect" the crown and pavillion angles are.