HELP! I need FMIL advice! I''m stuck!

[LauraTally]

Porridge: Chihuly is awesome we have seen his exhibits a few times including at the Atlanta Botanical Gardens...very awesome.

Junebug: I know that is what si going to happen but to make it almost more awkward it is going to have to happen over the phone since they live over 2 hours away from us. My FI says that he''ll do whatver I want to do but that if we have to throw something ourselves (or with his dad''s help, which is a whole ''nother headache) then we will. It''s just wants me to be happy and he knows that I want a really nice wedding and we can''t afford it for awhile (a long while) on our own.

decodelighted: She does throw high profile events through her work place. She works for a charity and they throw large celebrity filled events. They are also very "country club" style as well. I don''t know if the location I found she doesn''t like because it isn''t up to her "level" or her style. She hasn''t seen my location though so I don''t know if she just doesn''t like it because she didn''t pick it. All her places were very fancy, county club, big ballgown places which I''m not one of those people. She is a control freak but I never thought in a million years she would pull out completely if she din''t like a location, I would have expected her to talk to me about it which is part of the reason I am so frustrated/confused. The location is the only thing that I really care about...she can decide flowers and food and stuff.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 11/4/2009 2:28:37 PM
Author: LauraTally
The location is the only thing that I really care about...she can decide flowers and food and stuff.

I know it''s awkward, but it''ll save you SO much headache in the future if you get everything straight and clear. If locations is TRULY the only thing you care about, let her know that. And definitely clarify that she IS willing to pay for the wedding, the last thing you want is to make deposits anywhere, just to find out later that you misunderstood her intent.

My husband and I were lucky in that our parents gave us 10k to pay for the wedding, no strings attached. And we were all very clear on the "no strings" part, in fact, his parents told us how much they wanted to give us, and then started an excel sheet to track everything so that there would be no confusion. My folks (who live overseas) just wrote a check. So we were lucky in that everyone was clear and comfortable

My inlaws just cared that it would be in their church, and that their families were invited in a consistent manner so as not to offend anyone.

 

[junebug17]

It actually might be easier doing it over the phone lol! Well, if FI talks to them and they say they''ve changed their minds and won''t contribute, at least you''ll know for sure and won''t have to be playing this guessing game anymore. I''m really sorry this happened to you sweetie, fmil did a great job of getting your hopes up and then doing a complete about-face, pretty cheesy if you ask me. But they certainly don''t have to pay for the wedding, so you''ll just have to accept it and move on. I truly hope things work out for you!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/4/2009 2:28:37 PM
Author: LauraTally
She is a control freak but I never thought in a million years she would pull out completely if she din''t like a location,

Which is frankly surprising & unrealistic considering you said earlier that your fiance (who would know her FAR better than you) thought that is EXACTLY what she''d do. (Not pay for a place she didn''t like). Perhaps your expectations need to be adjusted here. You had high, pie-in-the-sky expectations & didn''t pay attention to the warnings from your FI, or the FACTS (i.e. - she''s a control freak) & heard what you wanted to hear (we''ll pay, don''t worry!). Well -- now you''re hearing the stuff you ignored before. I wouldn''t expect your fiance to be able to "talk her into" re-entering this wedding fray with pocketbook wide open. Would start adjusting to the NEW reality.

 

[purrfectpear]

Laura, you just don''t seem to get it. You''re an adult. Adults pay for their own parties. Period. There is nothing that needs to be discussed with your FIL''s. Pick a date, book a park, have the grocery deli cater, serve wine and beer. Done. Lovely wedding with happy memories and no "awkward" moments where you "ask" for that which should NEVER be requested. ALWAYS assume that you are paying for your own wedding. If parents or IL''s happen to decide to present you with a contribution, terrific, but never ask, never assume, and never whine about what you thought they were or were not going to give you.

Further if you absolutely insist upon asking for money, then don''t say things like "it''ll have to be over the phone as they live 2 hours away". Seriously? You plan to ask for thousands of dollars and you can''t make a two hour drive to do your begging face to face?

 

[KimberlyH]

Even if she did say they would pay for the whole wedding, knowing all you do now I''m not sure why you would still want her to. It''s still time to decide you''re doing this yourseives, whatever that looks like, and not expecting or asking anything from them.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Can I be honest for a moment?

It''s just excuse after excuse. You want us to see things from your eyes and agree with you...when in reality, we can''t because we don''t. We don''t think that your FMIL should be chastised because she''s not paying for your wedding--it''s not her responsibility...and we certainly can''t help you brainstorm away to make her fork out the cash either. We all collectively agree that selling your soul for a party is wrong...and we all think as a mature, working adult you should be able to plan and host your wedding if that''s what you want. We cannot help that you are unwilling to entertain other ideas outside of your "big wedding" that you cannot afford.

There are so many people brides on this site who scrimped and saved to throw modest, lovely weddings. They worked second or third jobs to host the event. You''re not alone in being broke in this economy...but there are means you''ve yet to explore, it boils down to how badly you want this wedding.

 

[decodelighted]

Maybe seeing the story differently would help demonstrate how this is coming across to other people -- objective people.

Say she offered to buy you a car and drove you around to Rolls Royce & Bentley dealerships and you shake your head, complain about the price and keep talking up the Ford Focus. Eventually she says, "Oh well ... have fun picking out your own car. Later!" Apparently its no fun for her to buy a Ford Focus ... no matter how much you want one. The whim has passed. The crackling flames of generosity and excitement have been extinguished.

Would you REALLY expect to be able to get *any* car out of her in the future? By saying the magical right thing ... or all-of-a-sudden praising her original choices? Its like: the moment has passed. You can''t unring a bell. You can''t go back in time and become a *gracious* gift recipient. You were the mouthy, choosy, entitled potential recipient and the giver decided to scram with her fat checkbook & luxe standards in tact.

For what its worth: it was only going to get worse. Consider this a dodged bullet. You THINK the only thing you care about is the locations ... but that''s just what''s on the table right now. You''d get swept up into the excitement too and start having "dreams" of your own wedding that would inevitably be CRUSHED by her need for control. If she has "country club" standards and you aren''t a country club girl -- this was just the first in a series of clashes that would have RUINED YOUR WEDDING and possibly tainted your very relationship. Its easy to assume things would have been peaches & cream & somehow you''d get a dream wedding for free! But that is a FANTASY. Seriously. It is. Hang around the BIW section & get your eyes full up of family dramz and nightmare wedding scenarios with overbearing parents holding the purse strings. She showed her cards early. So did you. Blessing in disguise I SWEAR.

 

[AprilBaby]

Advice FROM a MIL. Have your FI sit down and talk to them alone and take ALL the responsibily for the misunderstanding. They will be kinder on thier own son than a FDIL. Have him figure out what they will be willing to pay for and decide from there. Lay it all on him. He should be man enough to deal with it and you will not be responsible for any bad feelings. ( I am the mother of the groom).

 

[february2003bride]

Laura,

Is your FMIL paying for the entire wedding? As in 100%? I ask because the venue is just one item on a very long list. If your MIL is willing to pay for the venue, that''s great (assuming you both agree on one). But with that comes with catering, flowers, tips, wedding attire, etc. Once she puts down a non-refundable deposit on the venue and expects you to pay for the rest of the wedding, are you able to do that?

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 11/4/2009 3:41:42 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Laura, you just don''t seem to get it. You''re an adult. Adults pay for their own parties. Period. There is nothing that needs to be discussed with your FIL''s. Pick a date, book a park, have the grocery deli cater, serve wine and beer. Done. Lovely wedding with happy memories and no ''awkward'' moments where you ''ask'' for that which should NEVER be requested. ALWAYS assume that you are paying for your own wedding. If parents or IL''s happen to decide to present you with a contribution, terrific, but never ask, never assume, and never whine about what you thought they were or were not going to give you.

Further if you absolutely insist upon asking for money, then don''t say things like ''it''ll have to be over the phone as they live 2 hours away''. Seriously? You plan to ask for thousands of dollars and you can''t make a two hour drive to do your begging face to face?

HUGE ditto to purrfectpear''s post!