Help! - MaidOfHonor Dilemma

[squarediamondlove]

(Please bare with me reading this long message...)

After reading Lindsey’s problem with her best friend, I realized that I need help with my own. In a nutshell, my problem is that my maid of honor blew her budget on invitations that I didn’t ask for and now doesn’t want to pay for the rest of the bridal shower, specifically the food.

Me and my MOH have been best friends since we were 8, but over the winter our friendship had struggled just b/c we realized that we both changed. When I told her that she is responsible for planning the bridal shower, she was fine planning it but didn’t want to pay for it. After talking with her, she revealed to me that the reason she felt uncomfortable spending money on me was because she didn’t know where our friendship was going (she also felt that we would get distant b/c we were at different points in our lives and our friendship was drifting further apart). We had a long conversation and we worked out our friendship and she was then very excited to take on the responsibility.

Just as a side note - She is typically the type of girl that would get very exited about weddings and planning an event – she has a very outgoing, cheery personality. She works full time, but as a secretary for now. She has a tendency to not budget money well and go overboard on things without looking at the big picture.

Because I didn’t want her to spend too much money, I told her that she can just invite people through e-mail and have the party at her house and that I will try to get my parents to help her out and pay for the alcoholic beverages like Champaign (if not, I would help her out with that) b/c I know it can get pricy. This way the only thing that she would spend money on is food. Well she insisted on getting invitations even though I told her that I didn’t want her to waste the money on that. But she told me that she wanted to do this for me. She also said that it wouldn’t cost as much b/c she was getting a software invitation program and that she can reuse for other occasions. So I said ok. My fiancé told me that I shouldn't stop her form doing something that she wants to do for me. So later she told me that she ended up spending a total of $300 to produce 20 invitations!

Crazy, I know. She explained that with the software, the cutter, the special paper that she got form invitation companies, and the errors she made and had to get more supply it ended up costing her $300. That is more per invitation than me an my FI wanted to spend on the ridiculously expensive invitation we decided not to go with because of the $ for our wedding invites. It would have been cheaper if she just ordered the invites. So I was completely shocked when I found out and I felt so terrible and guilty that she had to spend so much money b/c I really didn’t want her to spend so much and I didn’t really care for the invitations in the first place. She also told me that she wanted to get the bridesmaids together to help her out with paying for the decorations. So now that got me concerned on how much money she plans on spending for that. Then, just a couple of days ago, she asked me whether my mom was going to pay for the food b/c she can’t afford to. She said that she assumed my mom would. She explained that she spent so much money on the invites. Also, her mom has been constantly chirping in her ear that she doesn’t have to do a bridal shower for me, that my mother should. So that is when me feeling bad about her spending that much money turned into frustration and upsetness that her carelessness in not budgeting resulted in this circumstance.

What should I do, In my custom, if there is no food, too little food, or bad food on the table its offensive and makes a bad party. Also it sets a bad tone for the wedding – (nice invitations = bad party).

If I pay for the food and the alcoholic beverages, aren’t I the one throwing the party for myself?

Should I just be blunt with her and say either that you do it and pay for the food, or don’t do it and I and my FI mother will plan the party at her house.

 

[XChick03]

While it is her own fault that she spent so much on invitations, she had the best of intentions for doing it. I wouldn''t force her to pay for the food, instead I''d see if the other bridesmaids or maybe even your FMIL or someone would be willing to help her plan it. I don''t want my MOH to spend too much on my shower so I told her to have it at my mom''s house and they could do everything together. I think one of the other bridesmaids is going to pitch in also. I really don''t think its fair to put everything on one person when I have 3 other bridesmaids, but thats just me.

 

[SoonIHope]

WOW, I''m sorry to hear about that!!! I can''t belieeeeeeeve she spent $300 on 20 shower invitations you didn''t even want????

I would try talking to your other bridesmaids and see if they would be willing to pitch in for the food. I am a bridesmaid for my friend''s wedding in June and we just threw her a shower where all the bridesmaids contributed equally. Also, if you put the shower in the mid-afternoon, no one will be expecting a full meal, so you can get away with light snacks. I bet your other bridesmaids won''t have a problem pitching in a bit for that and you can get a good amount of food quite cheaply that way! We spend maybe $30 on food for 20 people by having one girl make a cake, and serving a lot of fresh fruit etc, so don''t worry too much about it! But I AM sorry you have to deal with this!!!!

 

[Starset]

Don''t forget, she chose to buy a program for her own personal future benefit. Do not let her play the sympathy card that your invites cost $300. They certainly did not. Your invitations cost $XX.00 and she now has a program to use for years to come to eventually offset the price of her computer program. If she would have just thrown you a party instead of making a self-indulgent purchase - she wouldn''t have anything to whine about.

 

[ivanadiamond]

Wow, I can''t believe she spent $300 on 20 invitations... Do they look like they are worth that much? I am sorry you even are having to hear about all this. I have been a bridesmaid many times and I always try to keep all the negative info away from the bride and deal with it with the other bridesmaids or on my own. However I don''t think that the MOH is soly responsible for paying for the food and alcohol. As the others have mentioned, I think everything could be split up amongst all your bridesmaids. Even the ones that might not attend due to distance.

I am throwing a shower on Saturday, and all 4 of us bridesmaids are chipping in. Other than that, she could also suggest that everyone bring something. Everyone that you are inviting are your closest friends. I am sure they will all want to contribute to make this day super special for you. She really shouldn''t be contacting you about any of this, rather she could ask everyone to bring their favorite dish or a bottle of bubbly, etc.

Lastly, another option would be to have the shower at a restaurant, maybe go to a fabulous champagne brunch or high tea and every one can pay for themselves and she wouldn''t need to spend money on decorations or flowers.

Good luck, sorry that you have to deal with this!

 

[squarediamondlove]

Chick and albicocca
I see your points, but I have two problems:

First, the food is very important in my culture. The reality is that sandwitches or snacks won't do and people will get very offended if they see that - which will set a bad tone for the wedding. Also in our cultrue, big meals are typically expected - my MOH and I decided on a mix of suchi and our traditional food. So I really can't get around the food issue.

Second, and this is my fault, 2 of my bridesmaids that I picked out are really not at all into weddings and really don't want to help out at all and really can't b/c they are very busy, as will I be at that time. I can try and ask the other 2 girls if they can help out. But I'm afraid that my MOH again will waiste the money they give her on decorations, which at this point I don't want b/c I would much rather have the food.

 

[squarediamondlove]

The problem is that her priorities are invitations, decorations and then food -despite of the fact that she knows how important food is. She just personally gets more gratification planning the other stuff so she wants to do that first without looking at the order of importance.

I''m upset at her b/c I feel like she just focused on what would be fun FOR HER to do, rather than what I wanted her to do. My priority was food, decoration and invitations and she knew that.

 

[squarediamondlove]

Date: 4/13/2006 4:36:14 PM
Author: ivanadiamond


Wow, I can''t believe she spent $300 on 20 invitations... Do they look like they are worth that much? I am sorry you even are having to hear about all this. I have been a bridesmaid many times and I always try to keep all the negative info away from the bride and deal with it with the other bridesmaids or on my own. However I don''t think that the MOH is soly responsible for paying for the food and alcohol. As the others have mentioned, I think everything could be split up amongst all your bridesmaids. Even the ones that might not attend due to distance.

I am throwing a shower on Saturday, and all 4 of us bridesmaids are chipping in. Other than that, she could also suggest that everyone bring something. Everyone that you are inviting are your closest friends. I am sure they will all want to contribute to make this day super special for you. She really shouldn''t be contacting you about any of this, rather she could ask everyone to bring their favorite dish or a bottle of bubbly, etc.

Lastly, another option would be to have the shower at a restaurant, maybe go to a fabulous champagne brunch or high tea and every one can pay for themselves and she wouldn''t need to spend money on decorations or flowers.

Good luck, sorry that you have to deal with this!

Starset and ivanadiamond thank you for your replies and being sympathetic.

I think I will ask her to get the other bridesmaids involved - if I do that, how much % of the cost do you think the bridesmaids should pay versus the MOH? I have 4 bridesmaids and 1 MOH.

I didn''t want the party at a resturant initially b/c I liked the idea of getting presents at a shower and also wanted to have a cozy environment - At least in my culture, people would just pay for their seat if we went out to a resturant and it would defeat the whole point of the bridal shower.

Besides, I think she may have already put the adress of her house on the invitations.

 

[squarediamondlove]

Date: 4/13/2006 4:32:58 PM
Author: Starset
Don''t forget, she chose to buy a program for her own personal future benefit. Do not let her play the sympathy card that your invites cost $300. They certainly did not. Your invitations cost $XX.00 and she now has a program to use for years to come to eventually offset the price of her computer program. If she would have just thrown you a party instead of making a self-indulgent purchase - she wouldn''t have anything to whine about.

Starset,

I think that is what makes me upset about the situation - even though I know she had good intentions, part of me feels like it was selfish of her to focus on what would be the most "fun" and the most "gratifying" for her to do - the invitations. Ordering and budgeting food was boring, but picking out invitations and decorating is fun.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 4/13/2006 4:39:41 PM
Author: Kaleidoscopic
Second, and this is my fault, 2 of my bridesmaids that I picked out are really not at all into weddings and really don''t want to help out at all and really can''t b/c they are very busy, as will I be at that time. I can try and ask the other 2 girls if they can help out. But I''m afraid that my MOH again will waiste the money they give her on decorations, which at this point I don''t want b/c I would much rather have the food.

Ummm, then why in the heck did they agree to be bridesmaids???? It is usually a GIVEN that the entire bridal party will throw the bridal shower, and pay for it together. I threw a bridal shower for about 25 people and the whole shower was $300. I did the invites myself, bought all the food ingredients and did the whole menu myself, bought rose bouquets and balloons and a cake, and all still ended up costing $300 total. And this was in Los Angeles!!! The 3 of us (me = MOH, and 2 bridesmaids) all chipped in equal $ and helped me with the food. That''s just part of the job. If they didn''t want to do so, they shouldn''t be in the wedding party.

It sounds like your MOH is a little out there, not budgeting well, and personally I would be embarassed to be acting that way if I were her. It''s fine if your parents want to help but she can''t just pay for a computer program to print invites you didn''t want and then not pay for food! And I agree with whomever said the program was her idea, and will benefit her in the future, so she can''t be pinning the entire expense on you!

 

[saturn]

Um. I'm going to try to put this as delicately as I can, because I don't mean for this to sound rude.

A bridal shower is not part of the wedding. It is a party thrown *for* the bride, not *by* the bride. So it's not really appropriate to "assign" the shower to anyone. Yes, typically it is thrown by the MOH or the bridal party, but that doesn't mean that it's an obligation. It also means that the bride doesn't get to dictate all of the shower details either.

It seems like it's really easy for things to go badly when a bride gets too involved in her own shower. Now, I understand that times are changing, and that nowadays it's pretty much expected that you will have a shower. But if you're expecting to plan it yourself, then you'd better plan to pay for it yourself.

This doesn't excuse your MOH for being foolish with budgeting for the shower, but if she's the one throwing (and paying for) the party, then the food, drinks, decorations, etc. are up to her. People know this, and if the party isn't up to their standards then it will reflect poorly on your MOH, not you.

I would try to make it clear just how important the food is to you. Also, if you can try to get the other BM's involved, that might help things.

 

[E B]

Kaleidoscopic,

If food is such an issue and your MOH/Bridesmaids won''t pay for it, why don''t you and your FI cover it? It looks as though the damage is done reg. the invitations, so you might as well save trouble and just get what you want yourself.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 4/13/2006 6:42:09 PM
Author: saturn
Um. I''m going to try to put this as delicately as I can, because I don''t mean for this to sound rude.

A bridal shower is not part of the wedding. It is a party thrown *for* the bride, not *by* the bride. So it''s not really appropriate to ''assign'' the shower to anyone. Yes, typically it is thrown by the MOH or the bridal party, but that doesn''t mean that it''s an obligation. It also means that the bride doesn''t get to dictate all of the shower details either.

It seems like it''s really easy for things to go badly when a bride gets too involved in her own shower. Now, I understand that times are changing, and that nowadays it''s pretty much expected that you will have a shower. But if you''re expecting to plan it yourself, then you''d better plan to pay for it yourself.

This doesn''t excuse your MOH for being foolish with budgeting for the shower, but if she''s the one throwing (and paying for) the party, then the food, drinks, decorations, etc. are up to her. People know this, and if the party isn''t up to their standards then it will reflect poorly on your MOH, not you.

I would try to make it clear just how important the food is to you. Also, if you can try to get the other BM''s involved, that might help things.

It did not appear to me that Kaleidoscopic planned and dictated anything to the MOH about the shower. She knew the MOH was worried about expenses and said don''t worry about having some big thing - evites are fine, someone''s house is fine...blablabla...

And yes, the second point I highlighted...it IS the MOH that is throwing the party, so she can''t just tell the bride now, "Sorry, I can''t pay for any food." She is now bowing out of her responsibility because she was careless with her budget and bought a computer program for invitations. What, is there not supposed to be any food at the shower now??

This seems to stem from a complete lack of planning. As a bridesmaid or MOH, I usually talk with the other people in the bridal party about how much they are comfortable spending for a shower, what they are comfortable doing, etc, and all of it is planned IN advance. A budget is made and stuck to. To buy a freaking $300 program to make 20 invites and not feed anyone at the party is RIDICULOUS. If the bride wants certain THINGS at the shower (ie. expensive champagne or something) then I do feel it is appropriate for her to offer to bring that stuff. But for the MOH to say she can''t pay for any food? It ain''t at the Waldorf Astoria...

Unfortunately Kaleidoscopic, it''s a tough position for you. This is definitely a lesson in picking your bridal party!!

 

[FireGoddess]

And in a feeble attempt to stop commiserating and offer some advice....you may just have to provide the food yourself, much as you may not like or want to. Not an ideal solution, but a solution nonetheless if your MOH and BMs aren''t going to do it...

 

[saturn]

Okay, I understand where Kaleidoscopic is coming from. The situation totally sucks, and if this MOH had been better about budgeting and planning, then this wouldn''t be a problem. And for said MOH to expect that K''s mother would pay for the food because she was foolish about the invitations is not reasonable IMO.

I guess that I''m trying to point out that now that the situation is all fouled up, she can''t very well FORCE the MOH to pay for the food if she can''t afford it. She can nicely ask the other bridesmaids to chip in, or she herself can offer to pay for some of it.

My comment were intended as more of a general warning to the other PS brides, that getting involved in your own shower can be dangerous. I was trying to avoid mentioning it, but this kind of reminds me of the whole MelissaSue shower problem - she got too involved in planning her own shower, and it led to some unpleasantness.

Please don''t take my comments personally, Kaleidoscopic. I feel for you, and I hope you can find some solution that will work for everyone.

 

[LAJennifer]

I''m sorry for the situation that you are in. Maybe you could contact a local grocery store and see if they do catering (you might have to pick up the check). Here in LA, the grocery store Bristol Farms has some excellent catering menus for parties that don''t cost a fortune. Maybe you could offer to "split" the cost with her? Also, you keep referring to "your culture" - just out of curiosity, would you mind sharing with us exactly what "culture" you belong to?

 

[selflove]

Date: 4/13/2006 4:13:22 PM
Author:Kaleidoscopic

When I told her that she is responsible for planning the bridal shower, she was fine planning it but didn’t want to pay for it.

You shouldn''t have to tell anyone to plan your shower. If they plan it that''s cool, but telling her that she should do it might have set everything off on the wrong tone.

I agree with what some others have mentioned about paying for the food yourself if you want it to be up to a certain standard. Can you afford to dish out the extra money? Don''t be too hard on her, it''s probably not worth the strain it will put on the friendship. Just relax and enjoy the fun party you are going to have!

 

[XChick03]

Date: 4/13/2006 8:49:47 PM
Author: LAJennifer
I''m sorry for the situation that you are in. Maybe you could contact a local grocery store and see if they do catering (you might have to pick up the check). Here in LA, the grocery store Bristol Farms has some excellent catering menus for parties that don''t cost a fortune. Maybe you could offer to ''split'' the cost with her? Also, you keep referring to ''your culture'' - just out of curiosity, would you mind sharing with us exactly what ''culture'' you belong to?

I was curious about that also.

And I, too, think you may just have to pay for the food yourself if its that important to you. I mean, she said in the first place she didn''t want to pay for your shower and she shouldn''t feel forced to do it. Yes, she was careless with budgeting, but maybe she''s just not money-smart and didn''t know exactly what all what into a shower.

 

[squarediamondlove]

Thank you firegoddess,

Saturn, I never wanted to be involved in planning the bridal shower, I only got involved when my MOH came to me and expressed the fact that someone else besides her will have to pay for the food - she said she didn't know if I wanted my mom to pay for it or I to pay for it. I was hoping and really liked the idea of having her throw a bridal shower for me, since she is my closest friend - so my intent was not to intervene. Actually if I was involved in the details of planning, none of this would have probably happened b/c I would budget everything starting with the food first. I am not one of those brazila brides at all, actually the opposite. So while I know what you are refurring to Saturn, I don't think that is a correct representation of me.

If anything else, I think it was my LACK of involvement that got me into this situation. As firegoddess said, I should have probably asked her what her budget is and how she is planning to spend it for each thing.

 

[squarediamondlove]

As far as my culture, I am Russian/Ukrainian and we are always used to having a lot of food on the table. Just to give you an idea, I know some catering halls offer Russian style menue which basically means you get a lot more food at dinner - family style. For us, if there is no food there is no party.

Selflove and chick,

I though that part of the MOH responsibilities is planning the shower? According to what I have read and have been told that is the case. Now maybe it was wrong to expect her to throw the whole thing herself, but as part of her discretion, she could have easily asked other girls to pitch in. She asked me whether my mom or I will pay for the food and drinks, not my other brides maids.

Also, from my perspective, we had been friends for 17 years and it is hurtful for me to know that after all those years of freindship that she would not be willing to do the shower for me, especially that she was always so excited that one day she will be my MOH. I would never tell her that I can't aford to throw her a party if she was the one getting married - You only get married once (hopefully) and I would want it to be very fulfilling for her.

I don't think its the fact that she has no money, b/c she earns a lot more than I do. I think a large part has to do with the fact that she has been hearing her mom tell her how she shouldn't have to plan the shower and that my mom should plan and pay for it and how awful of me to expect that she will, that her mother's chiming in combination with the fact that she already spent $300 is making her think this way. She told me that her mom has been driving her crazy over that and that her mom thinks she shouldn't have to pay for it. Again, b/c we are russian there is no such thing as a bridal shower or MOH there, so her mom doesn't really know or get the tradition of it and just doesn't understand it.

 

[XChick03]

I understand how you feel, I''d be very upset, too. And I can''t wait until my best friend gets married so I can help her make it the best day ever, just like I am sure you would want to for your friends. I guess your friend just doesn''t feel this way, she probably just sees it as more of a burden. And its different for everyone, sometimes its the MOH''s responsibility, other times the MOB does it, and sometimes all the BMs and family pitch in. I don''t know what else I can add, except that the best action to take would be to try and find someone else willing to pitch in or just pay yourself. I know it sucks, but it might be the only way.

 

[decodelighted]

Well since there are already several different opinions about who pays & who is responsible for the Bridal Shower on this ONE THREAD ... it''s clear that there isn''t really a "right" or "wrong" answer. You must know that, as you say your MOH''s mother has been very vocal about HER opinion that it''s the Bride''s MOM''s duty.

At this point, playing the blame game is fruitless. You just need some food paid for. If the MOH doesn''t feel comfortable approaching the other bridal party members and asking for financial contributions, I''d recommend you just pay for it to keep the whole thing on track. No one has to know you paid for your own food, or about the whole invitation debacle. And you''d have more control - which at this point, you can''t feel comfortable giving to her considering her organizing/approach so far.

She really should have stuck to her first instinct and declined being the MOH. It''s possible some of her actions are passive-aggressive resentment peeking through. And it seems like you might not have the friendship you once shared (or thought you did.) Just because you''d do something for her gladly, doesn''t mean she feels the same way. Whether she "should" or not.

 

[squarediamondlove]

Date: 4/13/2006 11:51:24 PM
Author: decodelighted
Well since there are already several different opinions about who pays & who is responsible for the Bridal Shower on this ONE THREAD ... it''s clear that there isn''t really a ''right'' or ''wrong'' answer. You must know that, as you say your MOH''s mother has been very vocal about HER opinion that it''s the Bride''s MOM''s duty.


At this point, playing the blame game is fruitless. You just need some food paid for. If the MOH doesn''t feel comfortable approaching the other bridal party members and asking for financial contributions, I''d recommend you just pay for it to keep the whole thing on track. No one has to know you paid for your own food, or about the whole invitation debacle. And you''d have more control - which at this point, you can''t feel comfortable giving to her considering her organizing/approach so far.


She really should have stuck to her first instinct and declined being the MOH. It''s possible some of her actions are passive-aggressive resentment peeking through. And it seems like you might not have the friendship you once shared (or thought you did.) Just because you''d do something for her gladly, doesn''t mean she feels the same way. Whether she ''should'' or not.

Hi decodelighted and thanks for the reply,
Definately at this point I have to make some kind of a decision - pay for it or not. The problem is that I really can''t plan it b/c I have my law school finals right before the shower so I really can''t do it then. I can''t do it after b/c I have the bar exam study. That is why a date of the shower was set up by both me and my MOH.

Also, and maybe you guys can help me out with this b/c I''m not sure if I''m correct, I feel like if I am going to pay for all the rest of the shower, which is basically everything else, I may as well just do it all myself - My FI said that we can have it at his mother''s house and his mother is retired so she will be more than willing to plan it for me. I guess in my mind I just need to draw a clear line on where I stand with my MOH - I want her either to do it all (minus the alcohol and with the help of other bridesmaids), or do nothing (and I''ll hand the planning over to my FI mother). What do you guys think?

 

[XChick03]

If it I were in your position, I would definitely let your FMIL do it. Your MOH had her chance and screwed up, plus she didnt really want to do it in the first place. If your FMIL is perfectly happy doing it, it seems like a great solution.

 

[squarediamondlove]

Date: 4/13/2006 11:48:38 PM
Author: XChick03
I understand how you feel, I''d be very upset, too. And I can''t wait until my best friend gets married so I can help her make it the best day ever, just like I am sure you would want to for your friends. I guess your friend just doesn''t feel this way, she probably just sees it as more of a burden. And its different for everyone, sometimes its the MOH''s responsibility, other times the MOB does it, and sometimes all the BMs and family pitch in. I don''t know what else I can add, except that the best action to take would be to try and find someone else willing to pitch in or just pay yourself. I know it sucks, but it might be the only way.

Chick, I can see how you guys seem to keep thinking that maybe she just thinks its burdensome and regrets taking on the MOH responsibilites. She first accepted MOH position without hesitation, it was only later in the winter when we had some problems, that she felt weird going all out for me. Also, just to clear things up, she is the type of girl that gets really into all this MOH stuff. Just to give an example, she actually bought a couple of books on MOH responsibilites, that some of my bridesmaids were teasing her about b/c they are not that type of girls. So I don''t think its b/c she doesn''t want the burden.

I think its actually that she wants the fun of being a MOH, without any of the "not so fun" responsibilities.

 

[squarediamondlove]

Date: 4/14/2006 12:07:20 AM
Author: XChick03
If it I were in your position, I would definitely let your FMIL do it. Your MOH had her chance and screwed up, plus she didnt really want to do it in the first place. If your FMIL is perfectly happy doing it, it seems like a great solution.

What should I tell her though? I can see her getting really offended. I feel like this incident may harm our friendship even further?

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/14/2006 12:09:45 AM
Author: Kaleidoscopic

Date: 4/13/2006 11:48:38 PM
I don''t think its b/c she doesn''t want the burden. I think its actually that she wants the fun of being a MOH, without any of the ''not so fun'' responsibilities.

The "not so fun" stuff IS "the burden". I agree that if your FMIL is game, party on! It sucks that people change their minds sometimes or "act out" rather than copping to their less-than-perfect motivations/feelings/ etc. You def. shouldn''t have to "debate" her into being responsible & you really can''t control how organized/logical/sensible/responsible she IS. Chalk it up to "human nature" and move on I guess!

 

[sosst7]

Date: 4/14/2006 12:12:01 AM
Author: Kaleidoscopic

Date: 4/14/2006 12:07:20 AM
Author: XChick03
If it I were in your position, I would definitely let your FMIL do it. Your MOH had her chance and screwed up, plus she didnt really want to do it in the first place. If your FMIL is perfectly happy doing it, it seems like a great solution.

What should I tell her though? I can see her getting really offended. I feel like this incident may harm our friendship even further?

Kaleidoscopic, I am sorry that you are in this sticky situation!! I also think that you should have your FMIL do it since she offered. If I were in your shoes, I would tell my MOH that after discussing it with your FI and family, the best solution would be to have it at the FMIL''s house so that the MOH would not have to worry about the food and other expenses. She may be offended but at least she won''t feel obliged to shell out more money than she had intended.

 

[squarediamondlove]

So I guess the consenses so far from Deco''s and sosst7''s post is to go ahead at my FI''s mother''s house. I have two more questions/problems:

1) My FI mother''s house is about 1hr 30min-2hrs away from most of my family and friends whereas my MOH house is like 10 minutes away from most guests. I''m afraid a lot of people are going to be disinterested in going all the way there.

2) Is it right for me to be upset at her? I can''t help but be upset and disapointed with her. Should she know that I''m upset with her or just keep it to myself?

 

[saturn]

Could you have FMIL plan it, but still have the shower at the MOH''s house? Might make it a bit harder for FMIL, but that way it would be more convenient for the guests and the MOH would still be contributing something.

As for your second question, I don''t think it really matters how you should feel, what matters is that you are sad and disappointed. Those feelings are totally reasonable. I don''t know if it would really help anything if you tell your MOH how you feel, because that might harm the relationship. My best advice would be to try and get over it. If it''s still bugging you a lot after the shower, then you might need to talk to her about it.