Help! - MaidOfHonor Dilemma

[decodelighted]

If it was ME ... I''d keep it at the MOH''s house, use the invites, keep my feelings to myself until LONG after the wedding and ask FMIL to help with the $$/food issue only. That seems to be what MOH wants help with. After setting FMIL in touch with MOH ... I''d leave it alone. Stay as far out as I could get & just accept whatever happens even if it''s not what I''d plan for myself.

It really truly isn''t a reflection on you and EVERYONE does know that ... good luck!

 

[FireGoddess]

I would keep the party at the MOH''s house and let your FMIL help with the food, etc. Have your FMIL get in touch with the MOH so they can work it out. Your MOH should really feel embarassed to be doing nothing except having the party at her house and doing the invites. Maybe she''ll realize during the course of the interaction that her actions are inappropriate. Maybe she won''t. Either way, it''s not for you to deal with. You''re just supposed to show up and be happy!

 

[squarediamondlove]

Ok, just though I''d give you the UPDATE..

Deco, Firegoddess and Saturn, the idea of still having the shower at my MOH would is good but after talking to my MOH and mother here is the story...

I talked to my MOH and my mother and it seems that it will be unlikely that we would have it at my MOH''s house. I told my mother the problem in the hopes that she can help and pay for the shower. Now my mother feels ackward having the shower there b/c the MOH''s mother clearly has a problem with it. So she doesn''t want to take the chance of there being tension between MOH and her mother and me and my mother during the shower. This seems to be a reasonable concern on her part. So my mom is willing to help pay for the shower but she now wants to move it to a private room in some resturant. (my MOH moved back to her parent''s house recently and that is where we were going to have the shower. I proposed having it there b/c it would lower my MOH cost of renting a room or paying for food in a resturant, but her mom sees it the other way around - as it being more burdensome to do it there.)

I talked to my MOH about my problem and disapointment, but in a very descrete manner withough getting upset at her and she actually took it very well. She made me feel really comfortable explaining she had good intentions in mind and that she wanted the best for my bridal shower and doesn''t want to back out of it - she just needs a little help b/c she feels overwhelemed. She told me that she wanted to do something really nice for me - the activities, games, decorations and food that she wanted she now realizes she can''t aford all on her own. To make a long story short, she reasured me that she is very enthusastic to do this just feels like she needs help pulling it off. So that really put me mentally at ease. I told her that I felt bad about leaving her all on her own to do this b/c I myself don''t know how this bridal shower thing works. I also told her that I spoke to my mother and she will now help her with the shower, and will probably do the organizing with my MOH helping her.

I feel really bad b/c the invitations already have my MOH''s address on them and they did cost $300. But I though of maybe putting in an additional card (about the size of a business card) stating that there has been a change of venue with a new adress on it. On the invitations that have not yet been printed we can use the new address and sent it to more more distant guests. Is this appropriate?

Now, I am also uncomfortable giving all the responsibility to my MOH as far as budgeting goes so would it be a good idea to just give that over to my mother and my MOH can help out. My mom doesn''t want my MOH to plan it anymore, given all the problems and given that my MOH will be using my mothers money and my mom doesn''t want her to be wasteful with it. My mom said it would be nice if my MOH and the bridesmaids would help my mother plan it and they can provide some form of entertainment or decorations instead of the food. what do you guys think?

 

[decodelighted]

Sounds good. What about stickers with the new address printed on it. Should be able to be done in any printer & you could just stick it over where the old address appears?

Not ideal, but would "save" the invites!

 

[FireGoddess]

Oh, the irony. $300 on invites that are no longer correct.

Great job that MOH did! Sorry - couldn''t help myself. Deco''s idea of the stickers is a good one, and so is your change of venue card - but if the cov card gets lost (people just do), people will be showing up at the MOH''s by accident - I wouldn''t risk it.

 

[Mara]

i was blissfully entirely unaware of the bridal shower and it's planning stages...

i just knew my MOH was doing something and that was it. i honestly didn't care to know anything past that. she knew most of my friends, asked for my immediate family's contact information and that was that. i just showed up. it was great too, very low-key, it was at 2pm so she had it catered with just appetizers and then had cupcakes with a monogrammed M on them, put orchids and liles all over the downstairs and that was that. her house was already lovely so it was a great place to have it and cost-effective.

however i knew that my MOH is a total planner and i knew she'd take care of things. it was also paid for by her and my other 2 adult BM's (the final 2 were my sisters)...i have always thought that all the maids split the expense, that is certainly how i have planned other bridal showers, sometimes i'd pay a bit more since i was the maid of honor but for the most part it was split pretty evenly.

at this point i'd get your mother involved. tell her you don't want to deal with this and hand it over to her and let her do what she wants and wash your hands of it. it could get REALLY hairy especially given your past history with this girl and her already-reluctance to committ to a future friendship with you originally. this way your mother can just come in and be motherly and involved and make sure all the stuff is done one way or another and then no one's feelings are hurt. oh and after you hand it off to your mom, tell them not to bother you with it anymore...you have other things to worry about like planning a wedding.

 

[squarediamondlove]

Deco and Firegoddess, yes I feel just absolutely terrible when I was braking the news to my MOH about the invitations. There is quite an irony there the $300 invitations that never got used.

She does have 15 extra unprinted papers for invitations. So I''m thinking we will use the stickered ones (with the new address) for guests that are very close to us, i.e. bridal party, FI mother, my aunt, and those who will clearly not mess up the venue, and other more formal/distant guests we will sent out the other 15 invitations with the new adress printed on it.

 

[squarediamondlove]

Mara you were so forutnate and lucky that things ran so smoothly for you. I too didn't want to be involved at all in the planning of the shower - I just had to know the date to make sure I can make it b/c of my tight schedule. Unfortunately, I got involved anyway b/c my MOH kept telling me and asking me about the details of the shower and then she told me this problem.

Now my MOH doesn't like the idea that my mom will control where the party will be and what will be served at all. She wants my mother to just give her the $ an she will deal with the whole thing. If it is not apparent already, my MOH clearly doesn't see how she already made a bad impression that she should not be entrusted with money. What does she expect? Ohhhhh! All the calling back and forth I am like a mediator between my mother and my MOH...ayyy!! I just feel like this is a big mess and I'm stuck in the middle of it.

 

[Mara]

I can understand being stuck in the middle but I really think you should just have your Mother speak to your MOH...she's the oldest adult here and she should call her up and be like look I understand you want to run things but I would love to be involved, it is my $$ etc...and lets plan together. Obviously in a more tactful way. Your MOH will not turn down your Mother (I would assume she wouldn't, it would be totally disrespectful!) and then your Mom can also be like 'and I don't want Kal bothered by this again, she's got too much going on and i'd like her to be surprised by some elements..etc'...end of story. It's wrong of your MOH to expect your Mom to just fork over the $$ and have no say in how things are run.

You can and should disentangle yourself, let your Mom play the heavy for you and put your mind at ease...!!

 

[squarediamondlove]

Yes, I will definately talk to my mother about asking my MOH to keep things between the both of them and will ask my MOH to do the same. I have finals for 2 weeks in 2 weeks so I will really need to be kept out of it! Knowing however my MOH and how impatient she gets in telling me both the good and the bad news, I''m afraid that I will not be left in the dark in how everything is going unfortunately.

 

[meepcat]

This is a mess. But it''s fixable. It''s complicated, and some hearts may get broken, but it''s still salvagable.

Do what you''re most comfortable with. Sure, it''ll be arduous, painful, difficult, and time-consuming. But you can change your perspective on receiving this challenge.

IMHO, you should resolve whatever you have confidence that you can take on. It''s your wedding, but it''s also your reponsibility to pick the people YOU know you can rely upon.

There are other people in this party, besides your MOH, B, and their mothers. You have groomsmen, who can be diligent at getting specific tasks done, and your FH can also pitch in effort. While food is so important in your custom, you should take on this task to organize, but leave the coordination to someone in your wedding party (or maybe even outside your wedding party).

Regardless of the wedding, it sounds like your MOH is just a selfish, self-absorbed, and non-communicative person. She''s not a bad person, but seems immature (based on the descriptions I''ve read here), and isn''t responsible enough for you to rely upon. So rely no further, and incur no further stress. She can still be your MOH, but if there isn''t anyone else you can put in that role, then make the best of it, while assuming the tasks which are more important to you.

The fact that you don''t trust her is an unfortunate situation. Either get over your feelings of distrust, by having faith (after a good, hearty talk with some definitive guidelines), or focus on the positive things you have with her so you can mend your friendship. I might add, you may have to manage her time and budget yourself, which is not a bad thing, just will take more of your time.

The bride can sometimes end up doing more than she''d like, but whose fault is that? She chose the people in her party, and she chose to have the kind of party she wants. Come hell or high water, she''ll have to pull it together herself, but in the end, a good time will be had by all.

The lesson here is: don''t choose your MOH based on how close she is to you, choose her based on how responsible and reliable she''ll be.

That''s my opinion.