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kenzie1

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Jan 19, 2008
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Hi Ladies,

I am new here and am hoping joining the LIW board will help me better deal with my situation. Here''s where I''m at: I am a few weeks away from my 27th b-day, while the BF will hit 30 this summer. We have been together for only a year and a half, but things have moved quickly from the start. We''ve been living together since May and I really thought we''d be engaged by the end of 2007 at the latest. We both have great jobs, he has a ton of $$ saved, and we are just a really good place...seems like there''s nothing to wait for, right?

Well...around August or Sept I let it be known that I was ready for engagement...he said it would happen but we didn''t set any kind of timeline. Around that time, some serious stuff began happeing with him at work...a long story, but he''s in law enforcement and is involved in a major lawsuit. This has caused HUGE stress for him and definitely strained our relationship. In the beginning of all of this, I tried to ease up on the engagement topic because I knew he had a lot on his plate. At this point, it''s been MONTHS of this sitaution and lawsuits can go on FOREVER...I have been so supportive and feel like I have sacrificed what I want (meaning moving forward in our relationship) because of this job that is consuming his life. I have begun to mention the topic of engagement again, but it''s to the point now that he always seems agitated about it. He gets short with me and doesn''t want to talk about it, saying he can''t begin to think about that right now due to everything else thats happening.

Lately the waiting has become really unbareable...my best friend got engaged on Christmas and his best friend on New Years. I feel like an awful person for being anything but happy for them, but I can''t help but feel miserable that I have no idea what is happening with us. I also hate that I have begun feeling so insecure and bitter toward him because of this. I know it sounds awful, but I am starting to resent him for making me wait for the things I want in life. I understand he is in a tough spot right now, but I truly feel like the work issue is bringing our relationship to a halt. I have told him I understand he is going through a lot, but I dont think our relationship should suffer because of it. What do I do? Is this selfish of me and how long do I wait before doing something about it? At this point, I REALLY want us to move on with our lives and the waiting is completely consuming me....at the same time, I love him so much and want to be there for him through all of this crap....I just wish we could go through the bad stuff together but separate that from our relationship....HELP!!
 
I know it sounds awful, but I am starting to resent him for making me wait for the things I want in life.


Honestly, this does sound awful.

It sounds like your BF is going through a really trying time right now. I''m sure you''re supportive, but if you look at it from his perspective, he''s probably under way too much pressure to deal with an engagement/wedding at the moment.

Right now he needs you to be there for him, not feel like he''s "making" you wait for the things you want in life. That''s a pretty big burden and a whole lot of pressure to put on him as he''s going through what sounds like a real life-changing and stressful experience.

Getting engaged should be a wonderful, happy time for the two of you...Not just you! Don''t you want him to be able to enjoy it, too?

You may feel like you are "sacrificing", but he may feel like he''s about to loose a tremendous amount personally and professionally as a result of this lawsuit.

One day the tables will be turned, and you''ll need him in an important way. If he gave you even subtle messages that you were making him "sacrifice", that you were causing him to wait for things he wanted in his life, wouldn''t that make it all worse??

Good luck...I hope this bad time passes quickly for you both.






.
 
I partly disagree with Bribee. Even when we are going through a hard time, we have to be considerate of our partner's needs. I can totally see how someone would not want to get engaged while going through such a thing, but if it's going to last for YEARS, then he is going to have to find a way to cope and go on with his life. My friend with breastcancer (stressful!) is still working on her doctoral thesis because...life goes on, even when you're scared it won't.

I would definitely give him some time maybe 6 months to a year depenending how things go? But at a certain point, if he is not getting his sh!t together and coping well with the stress, that might make you think twice about marrying him. Know what I mean?
 
Date: 1/19/2008 11:25:08 PM
Author:kenzie1

I just wish we could go through the bad stuff together but separate that from our relationship

I am sure that there have been many people who have thought this when finding themselves in a bind. However, that''s NOT what relationships are about, in my opinion. Unfortunately, I had a very horrible family situation arise over a year ago involving a lawsuit which still has not gone to trial and the stress on the family has been very trying. When everything first started I was a mess, my SO and I were buying our first home together and sadly, the stress of my situation took a lot away from the joy I should have felt moving into our first home together. Luckily my SO realized that you can not seperate the "bad stuff" from a relationship...part of your commitment to your SO is to help them go through trying times TOGETHER even if those situations have an adverse effect on where your relationship is moving. Most adverse situations in life are temorary (even if it takes years to fully resolve them) your relationship moving to the next level is something that should last a lifetime and happen at a time that is good for both of you.

A year ago, engagement was far from my mind but was on the forefront of his. Since then many situations have arisen and many delays have resulted and although I have my share of LIW moments, I''ve stopped trying to think so much about what I do not have and focus on what I DO have instead. Watching my SO help me to handle the situation with my family, which sometimes feels neverending, has shown me very vividly that this is a man I can depend on, trust and know will be there for me in good and bad times...to me, that''s what a marriage partner should be and if I was more untraditional, I would have proposed to him because of how much he''s proven to me that he will stand by me even if it screws up his plans. Sometimes when you love someone you have to put aside things you want right now and wait for the right time for both of you.
 
You all offer such great advice...and it''s funny because the opposing points of view that some of you have is exactly what is going on in my head. On one hand, I know I need to be there for him and you''re right...I wouldn''t want to force engagement on him now when he can''t even enjoy it. On the other hand, I wonder about the strength of our relationship when I see that its being put on the back burner for so long because of it.

Ultimately, I guess I need to try hard to be the strong one right now and be there for him. But maybe you''re right about the deadline...I''ll give this another 6 months and if it''s still going on, I need to talk to him about my concerns that our relationship is at a stand-still. Thanks everyone for your advice...this forum is definitely a great way for me to vent and get support, rather than taking it out on him :-)
 
I'm afraid I don't really get this.

Being there for your partner in a long-term crisis is a far more important feature of a permanent relationship that any ring or wedding ceremony.

Surviving it before marriage is a huge indicator of each of your reactions to future events. Imagine if you were to have a severly disabled child or one of you were to be disabled.

Having gone through a major court case (that I brought) in a foreign country, I know that I could think of nothing else for at least 6 months. My relationship at the time didn't last because he didn't understand that I needed support, not demands to endlessly show how much I loved him. I know I probably made him insecure because my mind was very much elsewhere, but I needed a rock at the time, not someone who was endlessly sulking and trying to make me feel guilty.

I know that probably isn't what you want to hear, and I'm not suggesting you are behaving like my ex in any way. I just don't see why you would feel that your relationship isn't moving forwards? These kind of situations are just what tests and helps you grow together as a couple.

Maybe you need to work out what you need in a relationship and if your bf is capable of providing this in your future.
 
Well you''ve only been together for a year and a half, so it seems like this will be an important test for your relationship. It will show you both how you deal with issues as a couple and individually. It looks like Pandora was posting as I was getting ready to post, and I have to say I agree with her.
 
Just to clarify what I was saying, I definitely think you need to back right off for at least 6 months. But if, after a year or so, all he can think about is his own stress and he''s not functioning in the rest of his life, I probably wouldn''t want to marry him. It won''t be the last big stress in your lives, and I wouldn''t want to be with someone who can''t handle serious stress. I don''t think people get to be totally self-absorbed indefinitely, no matter what they are dealing with.

Another thing to keep in mind: your friends engagements are of course irrelevant to yours. It''s not a race!
 
Date: 1/19/2008 11:25:08 PM
Author:kenzie1
Hi Ladies,


This has caused HUGE stress for him and definitely strained our relationship. In the beginning of all of this, I tried to ease up on the engagement topic because I knew he had a lot on his plate. At this point, it's been MONTHS of this sitaution and lawsuits can go on FOREVER...I have been so supportive and feel like I have sacrificed what I want (meaning moving forward in our relationship) because of this job that is consuming his life.


Lately the waiting has become really unbareable..I understand he is in a tough spot right now, but I truly feel like the work issue is bringing our relationship to a halt. I have told him I understand he is going through a lot, but I dont think our relationship should suffer because of it. What do I do? Is this selfish of me and how long do I wait before doing something about it? At this point, I REALLY want us to move on with our lives and the waiting is completely consuming me....at the same time, I love him so much and want to be there for him through all of this crap....I just wish we could go through the bad stuff together but separate that from our relationship....HELP!!



Welcome to the board, Kenzie. I hope your situation sorts itself out soon...however:

I'm going to try and be kind here: GIVE THE GUY A BREAK. HE'S BEEN IN THE THROES OF A LAWSUIT FOR WHAT, 6 MONTHS?

My husband waited 3.5 years for me to get out of a wheelchair before I would marry him. In spite of him wanting to 'take care of me' etc "through sickness and health" I didn't have the emotional energy to divide between my health problems and the prospect of a wedding/starting a life together.

On our HONEYMOON my pelvis once again fell apart and I was airlifted back home for another 2 years of surgeries/wheelchairs/physiotherapy and crankiness. It was only because of our strength as a unit were we able to get through the tough times, and that strength came from going through some really hard times before the wedding.

Frankly I'm not seeing a lot of 'supportive' behavior in your post. His head is in a totally different space right now and to ask him to focus elsewhere is unfair. You can be sure (as I was) of how acutely aware he is that you want to be married. But he can't deal with that while he's staring down a lawsuit. Let him get that cleared up, so he can give YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE his undivided attention.

It is also very possible that his current problem is making him think of himself as not 'marriage worthy'. I know that my self esteem tanked during the health problems and I couldn't for the life of me accept the fact that someone actually wanted to marry me!

If I can suggest, that you look at this situation as a gift: use it to strengthen the bond between the 2 of you. When all is said and done, you will both be more together as a couple that you could imagine.

I would not give back one iota of the growth my husband and I were able to achieve as a result of going through the 'fire' like we did. And I appreciate him all the more because he was quietly, silently, patient, kind, supportive, generous of his spirit, selfless and my ROCK until the hell was over.

That was 21 years ago. The wait was worth it.
 
Very early in our relationship my bf had open heart surgery. I learned then, that my place at that time was to be his support-his rock, as Pandora kind of said- and that I would be there for him no matter what. Around his surgery and at least 2 months afterwards, the relationship was almost completely one sided. He was just trying to recover and I did everything I could to make him comfortable and do whatever he needed me to do.

Right now we''re approaching the 2 year mark, and there has been lots of talk about engagement, but the truth of the matter is-we''re just not ready. He wants to be fairly close to finishing school and for one of us to be making enough money to support us on. I would never push him to propose before he''s ready, however I do tease him quite a bit.

Basically what I''m saying is that the bad stuff needs to strengthen your relationship, and while I can see where you''re coming from, I think you need to sit back and reevaluate your relationship, think about the good stuff and the bad stuff, and really realize that you DON''T need to measure yourself to your friends or his friends that are getting engaged. If you start looking around here, you''ll find that most LsIW have been with their significant others for at least 3 years, and I feel like our relationship is in its baby steps when I''m on here, with quite a few relationships adding up to 7-10 years!

Welcome to the board!
 
I agree with Pandora. I think that you need to be there and support your bf during this time and don''t bring up engagement issues at this current moment. I''m sure when he gets engaged he wants to be at a happy place in his life also and with this lawsuit going on, I doubt he can concentrate on getting engaged at the moment. I think that you have to decide if you want to stand by him or if you are going to resent him too much and will want to move on. Prior to his lawsuit, did he say he was ready to get engaged?
 
This part of your post -, "....I just wish we could go through the bad stuff together but separate that from our relationship...." really stood out for me.

I really dont'' think you can ''compartmentalize'' life like that all. Bad, stressful things happen to people - and you can''t necessarily separate that part of your life from everything else. It doesn''t mean you''ll be completely down in dumps and unmotivated about everything - but understandably, it''s going to consume quite a bit of your positive energy. Your BF is human - he''s naturally got this lawsuit on his mind and is probably very anxious about where things stand for him right now. I don''t think that''s something he can necessarily ''shut off'''' - just as much as he mightn''t be able to shut off his emotions in another personal crisis - like the loss of a family member, for example. I''m sure his career/reputation are important to him. Talkiing about a wedding/planning an engagement when his career and reputation are possibly at stake probably seems a bit ''frivolous'' to him right now. Especially since it''s not a question of IF it''s going to happen. It''s just a matter of WHEN.

And you guys have only been dating for a year and a half! That''s not to trivialize the emotions you''ve been feeling... but looking at the whole picture and the stresses your BF is going through - I dont'' think it''s really a long time to have to wait. From what you wrote - it sounds like you brought up the engagement talk after a year? - and the lawsuit thing has only been happening for about 6 months? That''s really not a long time in the big scheme of things.

It sounds like you''''re very impatient for things to move forward, and are getting anxious because other people close to you are getting engaged. As Indy said, it''s not a race. Everybody has a different timeline, and different circumstances that have to be dealt before an engagement can happen. If your BF is going through something serious right now, then that might have to take priority for a while. Your proposal is not an independent entity that HAS to happen at ''x'' date - it''s something that has to be considered in light of what is going on in both you and your BF''s lives.
 
It sounds to me like it''s a GOOD thing he''s not proposing at this time. He''s obviously stressed out about what''s going on in his life and it is very important that when thinking about the future and a marriage, he has a good, clear head on his shoulders. I know the waiting part can be hard but I personally think that in the long run, it''ll be much better if you let him "live this out" first. If he just suddenly asks you to marry him amongst all this other turmoil, it could be for the wrong reasons or a bad decision because he doesn''t have his head on straight.
 
oh, kenzie, I can relate so much to your post. I am in a VERY similar situation, and I know how tough it is. I was in the midst of feeling sorry for myself when I found this thread. I think you have gotten good advice. I took some of it for myself
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It is so easy to get caught up in what you want in your relationship, and not to look at the bigger picture. I know for me, I need to back off and support my BF during this time instead of adding to the pile of stress he has. Easier said than done, I know, but these ladies are right. Marriage is about supporting and realizing that there will be times when your SO needs you to just be there, and you may have to hit pause on other things. If you guys are a good match, you will get through this and appreciate each other and the strength of your relationship. Anway, sorry if this is rambling, but thank you for your posts, and know that I understand where you are coming from and you can come here and vent anytime! Hugs!!!!
 
I do understand where you are coming from.

However, I would just like to say that you should put yourself in his shoes. Would you want to marry someone who isn't supportive of you in your time of need? Be careful how you deal with this because it might make him see something in you that he doesn't want in a future wife.

I'm not at all saying you're a bad person so I hope you don't take it that way! Just reverse the situation. I'm sure you would want him to be understanding in this situation.
 
There are a great many red flags in your post that all boil down to one problem: it''s all about you. What you feel, what you want, where you want to be, whether you''re happy, whether you''re fulfilled, etc., etc., etc.

He''s facing a HUGE issue -- one that affects him deeply in the MOST important areas for a man: his self-esteem, his value as an employee and community member, the respect he needs to feel like an important part of the system where he works and in the community he serves. These are paramount to making a man feel good about himself. I suggest you go to your local bookstore and get a copy of "Love and Respect", dealing with the differences between men and women and how *respect* is the one thing men need above all else. This problem is creating doubt in himself; doubt that he can be the person you would want, and doubt that you can accept him if he doesn''t come out of this the same as he was. He needs your assurance that he can count on you; but you''re too busy needing his assurance that you''re still the most important part of his life.

You cannot separate this issue from your relationship. There is no shutting-out-the-world when it comes to marriage and the problems you will face; why do you think you should be able to do that now? This is a real test of your relationship, your feelings for one another, and your ability to survive life together without imploding as a couple. You are failing -- failing him, failing yourself, failing your relationship. If you want this to work -- make it work. Start giving him the support he needs, and stop talking about your future. He doesn''t know what the future holds, and it''s scaring him. That''s why he can''t talk commitment with you.
 
Date: 1/21/2008 6:27:22 PM
Author: HollyS
There are a great many red flags in your post that all boil down to one problem: it''s all about you. What you feel, what you want, where you want to be, whether you''re happy, whether you''re fulfilled, etc., etc., etc.


He''s facing a HUGE issue -- one that affects him deeply in the MOST important areas for a man: his self-esteem, his value as an employee and community member, the respect he needs to feel like an important part of the system where he works and in the community he serves. These are paramount to making a man feel good about himself. I suggest you go to your local bookstore and get a copy of ''Love and Respect'', dealing with the differences between men and women and how *respect* is the one thing men need above all else. This problem is creating doubt in himself; doubt that he can be the person you would want, and doubt that you can accept him if he doesn''t come out of this the same as he was. He needs your assurance that he can count on you; but you''re too busy needing his assurance that you''re still the most important part of his life.


You cannot separate this issue from your relationship. There is no shutting-out-the-world when it comes to marriage and the problems you will face; why do you think you should be able to do that now? This is a real test of your relationship, your feelings for one another, and your ability to survive life together without imploding as a couple. You are failing -- failing him, failing yourself, failing your relationship. If you want this to work -- make it work. Start giving him the support he needs, and stop talking about your future. He doesn''t know what the future holds, and it''s scaring him. That''s why he can''t talk commitment with you.

DITTO. Thank you for saying what I was trying to say (higher up) so eloquently.
 
Yay to this board for the honest and straight forward advice that can be found here.

I think everyone who has responded really wants this to work for you two, but the resounding consensus is that you need to stick by him... support him...love him...for AS LONG AS IT TAKES. He needs that now-- far more than you need an engagement ring.

Of course, I don''t know the circumstances, but perhaps he feels like his livelihood and career (and money saved for your ring!) are in jeopardy because of the lawsuit. Have you considered if you still want to be by his side if that should happen? If you really love him as much as you say you do, then you won''t think twice about sticking around for the long haul--whatever the outcome.

You are the only one that can decide if you really want to do that. You may not want to, and in that case I would say do yourself and your BF a favor and move on.

Please let go of the arbitrary deadline you''ve set for 6 months. Your desires must be put on the back burner until this is over and your BF can breath again. Give him that...he needs that from you. He doesn''t need subtle (and not so subtle) pressure from you to make a plan for the future. His future is up in the air, and as his partner, by default, so is yours. Wait until you can both see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The proverbial ball is in YOUR court now...not his. Stay the course, or find another course.

Good luck to you both
 
Date: 1/21/2008 6:27:22 PM
Author: HollyS
There are a great many red flags in your post that all boil down to one problem: it''s all about you. What you feel, what you want, where you want to be, whether you''re happy, whether you''re fulfilled, etc., etc., etc.

He''s facing a HUGE issue -- one that affects him deeply in the MOST important areas for a man: his self-esteem, his value as an employee and community member, the respect he needs to feel like an important part of the system where he works and in the community he serves. These are paramount to making a man feel good about himself. I suggest you go to your local bookstore and get a copy of ''Love and Respect'', dealing with the differences between men and women and how *respect* is the one thing men need above all else. This problem is creating doubt in himself; doubt that he can be the person you would want, and doubt that you can accept him if he doesn''t come out of this the same as he was. He needs your assurance that he can count on you; but you''re too busy needing his assurance that you''re still the most important part of his life.

You cannot separate this issue from your relationship. There is no shutting-out-the-world when it comes to marriage and the problems you will face; why do you think you should be able to do that now? This is a real test of your relationship, your feelings for one another, and your ability to survive life together without imploding as a couple. You are failing -- failing him, failing yourself, failing your relationship. If you want this to work -- make it work. Start giving him the support he needs, and stop talking about your future. He doesn''t know what the future holds, and it''s scaring him. That''s why he can''t talk commitment with you.

Well, right now you are not married, so it can be all about you, bottom line. However, if you want to get married, it will DEFINITELY no longer be all about you!

I know I''ll probably get flamed for this (and am making a huge gross generalization here), but I completely agree that men NEED respect. Women need to be cherished...

Wikipedia''s definition of respect:

"Respect is an assumption of good faith and competence in another person or in the whole of oneself. Depth of integrity, trust, complementary moral values, and skill are necessary components."

I can adore TGuy all I want. Coddle him. Show him in little and big ways that I love him. That''s all good and dandy. But it''s when I second guess him because I think (and probably KNOW) I know better is when we run into bumps. As a man, it really gets his goat to feel that I don''t respect him.

He, on the other hand, can tell him how to drive, and do all sorts of stupid things to second guess me, but if I feel he is cherishing me for the most part in my daily life, I can just grin and blow it off.

I am not trying to make it sound like a woman needs to be submissive, which a lot of people mistake me for when I say what I''ve said above. Of course women want respect too. I''ve been far too independent a woman far too long to put up with total disrespect, or even partial disrespect. But at the end of the day, if I were to choose ONE thing that I need from my husband, I would say that I need to know that he adores me and loves me with all of his heart (and shows it). For him, at the end of the day, he would choose that I respect him, value his opinions and trust that he is competent in all he does.

They say behind every great man is a great woman, and I believe that''s true. Their ego is a lot more fragile than we realize, and when they go through tough times, they''re already secondguessing themselves (at least my husband does). When their partner secondguesses them, it shatters them in ways that I don''t know if we can ever understand, and it manifests itself in some pretty unhealthy, needs-therapy, kind of ways.
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If you love him and want to be his wife, then do your best to respect the situation that he is in. If you can''t handle it, my advice would be to run now. It''s hard to change them, if possible at all.
 
Kenzie, welcome to PS!!!
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When I read your post, my first thought was why were you referring to other people in your life as best friends and not yourselves? For us, when it came down to marriage and who we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with, we stopped referring to our circle of friends as "best friends" on either side and started calling each other "best friend." When DH proposed to me, the thing that touched me the most and brought tears to my eyes immediately was that he said "you are my best friend."

The thing about marriage is, you have to get used to the fact that you will be living with/sharing a home with/sharing a bed with ONE person for the rest of your life. That person better be your best friend as far as I''m concerned. Yes, you can and should maintain your friendships outside of the marriage but they are not an entirely separate entity. They are little satellites that enrich your marriage and make it better, not pull it apart or pick away at it. If they''re causing problems, then you and your spouse need to decide as a team whether they are worth remaining attached to.

You''ll go through all the bad stuff together, but it will either make you or break you as a couple. There''s no way of knowing the outcome until you both actually try...unfortunately. The best thing you can do to try to prevent a possible breakup, imo, is to sit down and talk about your goals and dreams and how you both plan to work towards those together. If you can solidfy those plans you have a fighting chance, I think.
 
The best thing that you can do now is support him and be there for him. He needs you to not ride his rumpus about an engagement. I know you are eager..I am too for that matter...but when it comes to things like this, if you cannot recognize the need to support him, your marriage will be a rude awakening.

However, I will also get flamed for this.... I do not think he should be taking it out on you. You need to tell him that you can be is venting person but you will not be his doormat. He has a lot of stress and trying to plan a proposal as well as trying to plan a wedding is just not a smart option right now. That is something that he may not be able to handle. Also, I do agree however there needs to be a seperation between work and home. I have a stressful job, but when I come home, I do not want to talk about my job or what I need to do. I leave that at work. Maybe you both can make that deal. Its something to look into.
 
Wow-I must say I did not expect so many people to weigh in and I also must say that I was a bit hurt with the way some did respond.

HollyS -- I''m not sure it''s fair of you to say I think it''s all about me. Let me clarify -- for 5 MONTHS this has been a huge issue for not just him, but for US. I cannot count the number of nights he''s gotten out of bed at 3am because he could not sleep. I have gotten right up with him and either gone down stairs to make him a snack or sat at the computer with him to work on his case. I have edited and re-edited several documents with him and on my own personal time at work. I have taken time off to visit his lawyers with him, etc. I have also stepped it up around the house and with errands, taking care of our dog etc. I have attended his family events by myself because he is not up to coming. I have surprised him with dinner, a couples massage, cute emails, cars, and anything else that could possibly make thus easier for him -- and it''s because I SHOULD. Let me make it clear that by no means do I think I am a hero for this--this is what you do and should do when you love someone...and I know that. It''s what I want to be for him and what I would want him to be for me if the situation were reversed.

However, there has also been the impact on his mood/temperament. Several times, he has completely blown up on me, though I am the one person who is with him through this (and yes, I understand you take things out on the people you love most). Furthermore, I can''t count on him for anything (yes, I know he has "more important things" but sometimes it still hurts). He has backed out of major commitments because this whole situation has him down. I am talking at the very last minute, he has missed huge family gatherings, dinners with friends, going to see our friends new babies etc. and believe me...I have been MORE than understanding.

But it is to a point now that what I am saying is--when does he continue to deal with this, but at the same time realize that it cannot rule his world? If this lawsuit continues for 3 years, tell me ladies--does that mean he gets off the hook for letting everyone else down, neglects his other responsibilities and relationships? And if I go to other people for support because this situation sucks for us, does that make me selfish? I''m sorry, but that''s just not realistic.

I guess what I came here for was some insight as to how to somehow regain normalcy and happiness with not just him, but for us, WHILE we deal with this. Perhaps what I did NOT mean was "when will he forget about his problems in life and pop the question because I want a rock?", but rather "how can we get through this tough situation and still maintain what we had and who we were before?" I will not be convinced that I have to drop any hope of happiness, progress, and even just us working as a team while this is going on.

And Monarch, I understand your point, but please don''t chastise me about my use of the words "best friend." By this I obviously mean my girlfriend I have known since the age of 5, and vice-versa for him. Please don''t insinuate that I don''t consider HIM the person closest to me, my confidant, and my everything.

Again, it''s easy for all of you to say I am selfish, but please consider that I have been through hell and back ALONGSIDE him. Because I love him so much, I continue to support him 100% and instead came here to vent some of my feelings. Instead, I kind of feel attacked instead of advised and supported by a lot of you.
 
I also wanted to add that I really agreed with what IndependentGal had to say about stressful situations in life. There will be PLENTY. There will inevitably be sicknesses, deaths, job issues, money problems and I know that...what I feel is that it''s not ok to let everything else in your life fall by the wayside while all of this is going on. And I just feel a little overwhelmed and concerned that my BF is letting this situation define him and letting every other aspect of his life suffer (and yes, I guess this does include me.
 
Okay. I''m sorry. I''ll look at this from your point of view, now, instead of as an unbiased reader of what you wrote in your first post. You are frustrated at his lack of moving on, with anything, not just your relationship. I don''t think you told us that in your first post. In your first post, you said you felt like you were" sacrificing what you wanted (moving forward in the relationship)" because he was so immersed in this lawsuit. That thought was the focus of your first post; at least we all had that same impression.

You''re right. He has let this situation steal all the joy from his life, based upon info you imparted in your second post. Would he be willing to see a counselor, a pastor, etc. alone or with you? Would you be willing to see someone alone if he won''t go? Do you truly want to see him through this, even if it takes a long time? From your description, it appears he may actually be suffering from depression. Would he see a doctor?

You''re right. He is lashing out at you. . . because you''re there, you''re handy, you''re in it with him. Do you love him enough to let him express his anger and hurt, even if you aren''t the cause? Do you love him enough to look him in the eye and tell him that you love him, but you cannot allow him to undermine the relationship with his fear and anxiety without letting him know he could lose you?

You''ve got a tough road ahead, no matter what you decide. But facing it head on, with his return to normalcy being your focus, not worrying about when he''ll be ready for commitment, is the only way through this problem. And no one is suggesting that you have to go through it at all; that''s a decision only you can make.

I hope I said something you can take as advice and not as an attack.
 
kenzie, after reading your last post, I think it''s time for a professional to step in and provide some much-needed assistance for you both...For you, to learn how best to deal with you BFs issues right now, as well as devising a strategy for coping with your immediate desire to be engaged. And for him, to learn how best to cope with this current situation in a way that doesn''t affect his relationship with you in as negative a way as it is currently, and also for him to understand your desire to move your relationship to the next level and devise a plan that is do-able for him under the current circumstances. It sounds like you both need some good counseling, alone and together to help you get over this hurdle. Good luck.
 

Having read your most recent response it sounds like he may be struggling with a bout of depression. It might be beneficial for him to have a person outside of everything that is going on to talk to and blow of steam with. You can not achieve normalcy again until he is ready to be a key player in learning to cope with the situation he finds himself in.


When the legal situation the has practically destroyed my family first reared its ugly head, I tried in vain for months to just deal with it on my own. Now, my situation isn’t identical. The charges were not against me but let me tell you, when an immediate family member is charged with a brutal murder, you feel the ramifications full force. One call to my attorney with an SOS message and he had me in contact with a professional who could help me cope (which meant I could help my family cope).


Maybe if you let him know if he wants to seek help from a professional to help ease his stress and worries, that you are there for him and encourage him and above all that seeking help from a professional is not a sign of weakness.


I hope for your sanity he comes to realize that maybe he needs help that you can not provide to him completely while he goes through this and that by admitting this he is actually a very strong person and not weak by any means. At the very least he should speak to his Dr. about the stress he is experiencing. It could be beneficial for him to have something to take or some relaxation exercises to do before bed to help him at least get a decent night of sleep.


Good luck.
 
HollyS, thanks for your response. It is partly my fault for not including all of this info in my orginal post, but just did not want to ramble. You are right about what you say...and yes, I do love him enough to let him express all of his hurt and anger. And I am strong enough (most of the time!) to realize that he is not mad AT me, but instead is taking everything out on me because I am the one who is closest to him.

Surfgirl, thank for the concern. Yes--he is getting help right now...and I''m glad! It''s not that every single day is a nightmare, it''s just that it is a tough situation in general and a stressful time for both of us. I know things WILL get better and I intend to be there no matter what....just looking for some help along the way. Thank you!
 
You say HE is getting help right now but what about YOU? YOU are the one stressed out about this too. Is there some reason you''re also not getting help right now? Because I think it would help you a lot in learning how to cope with this situation.
 
Hi Kenzie
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Welcome to LIW!

I know it''s tough the waiting, the wondering and such forth... heck, most of us ladies have similar engagement and when is it going to happen rants, that part is normal. The stress factor that he is going through is another story.

You need to bump up your support system to him. You have not been together all that long and you being there to help him, not haunt him through these issues later on can only make him want you in his life that much more. He does not want to think that your not the supportive type but the stress/stuff he is going through and bringing up engagement to him now, at these tough times he''s having is only going to push him further away from the engagement that you want.
 
Date: 1/22/2008 1:44:48 PM
Author: surfgirl
You say HE is getting help right now but what about YOU? YOU are the one stressed out about this too. Is there some reason you''re also not getting help right now? Because I think it would help you a lot in learning how to cope with this situation.

I was going to say the same. It sounds like you could also benefit from talking to someone about things.
You obviously should not have to drop any chance of happiness etc, so I really hope that he benefits from getting help himself as if this is going to go on another three years, I''m not sure that I see a successful future if things stay the same. Best of luck.
 
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