Help me deal!!

[Erin]

On paper it sounds like he''s slowly slipping into a depression. When you said he was skipping social gatherings he used to enjoy, it sounded like my exboyfriend.

My advice is to be empowered. Even though it may seem frightening, confront him and say, "I think you are depressed and I think you need help." He may agree or he may stonewall. If the latter happens, the next step is to say "If you don''t think you have a problem, then we have a problem as a couple and we need help."

Depressed people may reject your help because they feel they should be able to help themselves, and feel worthless when they can''t. Instead, they may withdraw or start an argument in an effort to resolve their difficulties. In addition, people with depression have negative thoughts and feel so hopeless that they do not see recovery as a reality.

Do not dismiss their feelings by saying things like "snap out of it" or "pull yourself together."
Do not force someone who is depressed to socialize or take on too many activities that can result in failure and increased feelings of worthlessness.
Do not agree with negative views. Negative thoughts are a symptom of depression. You need to continue to present a realistic picture by expressing hope that the situation will get better.

 

[beebrisk]

Kenzie,

This last post of yours only re-confirms the fact that any talk of engagement or the marriage right now would be ill-timed at best, and irresponsible at worst. It''s understandable that he can''t deal with it right now.

That said, do you sit around and let him take it all out on you?? Of course not. No matter what we may go through, and how tough times can get, we must always be cognizant of those around us. It''s natural to lash out and we''ve all done it in stressful moments, but at some point he does need to reel it in a bit and take your feelings into consideration...Especially because this is such a prolonged ordeal. At the very least, he should show some gratitude to you for sticking with him and being his friend during this time.

These situations can be eye-openers. We find out what people are really made of, we find out how they deal with stress and fear. You may just discover that it is intolerable for you and that you are not prepared to spend your life with a man who cracks so deeply under intense pressure. To be sure, other life events WILL happen that will shake you both to the core. It''s important to know up-front how your partner is going to handle them.

It''s true that what doesn''t kill you, makes you stronger. Some relationships survive the really bad times and come out closer on the other side. Others simply fall apart from the stress. I hope yours does survive, but it will take some real fortitude on your part...And for him it will take time, understanding and ultimately a conclusion to this matter.

Good Luck....

 

[LostSapphire]

Date: 1/22/2008 12:32:55 PM
Author: kenzie1
Wow-I must say I did not expect so many people to weigh in and I also must say that I was a bit hurt with the way some did respond.


HollyS -- I'm not sure it's fair of you to say I think it's all about me. Let me clarify -- for 5 MONTHS this has been a huge issue for not just him, but for US. I cannot count the number of nights he's gotten out of bed at 3am because he could not sleep. I have gotten right up with him and either gone down stairs to make him a snack or sat at the computer with him to work on his case. I have edited and re-edited several documents with him and on my own personal time at work. I have taken time off to visit his lawyers with him, etc. I have also stepped it up around the house and with errands, taking care of our dog etc. I have attended his family events by myself because he is not up to coming. I have surprised him with dinner, a couples massage, cute emails, cars, and anything else that could possibly make thus easier for him -- and it's because I SHOULD. Let me make it clear that by no means do I think I am a hero for this--this is what you do and should do when you love someone...and I know that. It's what I want to be for him and what I would want him to be for me if the situation were reversed.


However, there has also been the impact on his mood/temperament. Several times, he has completely blown up on me, though I am the one person who is with him through this (and yes, I understand you take things out on the people you love most). Furthermore, I can't count on him for anything (yes, I know he has 'more important things' but sometimes it still hurts). He has backed out of major commitments because this whole situation has him down. I am talking at the very last minute, he has missed huge family gatherings, dinners with friends, going to see our friends new babies etc. and believe me...I have been MORE than understanding.


But it is to a point now that what I am saying is--when does he continue to deal with this, but at the same time realize that it cannot rule his world? If this lawsuit continues for 3 years, tell me ladies--does that mean he gets off the hook for letting everyone else down, neglects his other responsibilities and relationships? And if I go to other people for support because this situation sucks for us, does that make me selfish? I'm sorry, but that's just not realistic.


I guess what I came here for was some insight as to how to somehow regain normalcy and happiness with not just him, but for us, WHILE we deal with this. Perhaps what I did NOT mean was 'when will he forget about his problems in life and pop the question because I want a rock?', but rather 'how can we get through this tough situation and still maintain what we had and who we were before?' I will not be convinced that I have to drop any hope of happiness, progress, and even just us working as a team while this is going on.


And Monarch, I understand your point, but please don't chastise me about my use of the words 'best friend.' By this I obviously mean my girlfriend I have known since the age of 5, and vice-versa for him. Please don't insinuate that I don't consider HIM the person closest to me, my confidant, and my everything.


Again, it's easy for all of you to say I am selfish, but please consider that I have been through hell and back ALONGSIDE him. Because I love him so much, I continue to support him 100% and instead came here to vent some of my feelings. Instead, I kind of feel attacked instead of advised and supported by a lot of you.

Hello Kenzie1

Once again,I am sorry to hear of the predicament you and your BF find yourselves in.

Can I offer some gentle suggestions? It seems to me that you are needing some sense of "how long is this gonna take"?? And this is causing you a fair bit of frustration, which I understand.

If YOU are feeling this frustrated, try and understand how hard this is for him: his life is totally on HOLD until he sorts this lawsuit out. Maybe it will happen sooner, maybe later. But in the whirlwind of what he's experiencing, it is very difficult for him to see past that big thing in front of him.

Perhaps when he gets a sense that things are moving well, and he has some control over how the legal stuff is progressing, he will ease up and take a breath. But in the meantime, unfortunately, that's not something that can be forced, no matter how much EITHER of you want it to be over....

Read my post again: it is written to give you some perspective of the person in the middle of the whirlwind. I can't even begin to express how hard it was for me to even THINK of my job, my family, my (then) boyfriends' plans, or the future in general. EVERYTHING was on hold until I was healing. I was incapable of making even the most basic of decisions because everything always went back to my health problems.

BUT, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. It took 3 years before I felt that I had some control over my health, my life, and my future. ANYTHING I did in the middle of that muck was done in reaction to the problems I was having, and therefore, those decisions were not always the best ones.

Once I had a sense that I was on the mend, and moving in the right direction, things relaxed and got a lot easier.

Although I have to admit that being told my pelvis fell apart on my honeymoon: (you figure that one out: there was not much FUN on that trip! ) kind of put a damper on things again, but we were really together on things at that point and we took that big setback in stride.

It DID however, take another 2 years before I was well. So, in total, I had the quiet, patient support of this man for 5 years, who asked for very little in return.

Yes, there were MANY sleepless nights on my part, a LOT of surgeries (11 in total), pain medication and therapy to put myself right.

So you see, I really do 'get it'. I am not attacking you, just trying to help you see it from a different perspective.

I truly believe if we had married before being 'tested' as we were, the marriage would not have lasted. But I don't regret a minute of it. It taught me patience and that I am far stronger than I would have imagined. It also taught me that I have a rarity: a man who really understands the words "For better for worse in sickness and in health". For that I am eternally grateful.

I really hope you can see this hard time as a gift, and an opportunity to learn more about each other than you will ever imagine. You may, however, decide that this isn't the path that you want your life to take. That's something you will have to decide for yourself. But you can't put a timeline or a deadline on when HE will be ready, until things sort themselves out.

I wish you the very best. This is hard, yes, but the human spirit is capable of so much more than we think....