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Help me! I am a snooper

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lasscreative

lasscreative

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 24, 2008
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470
I snooped! I snooped so bad it hurts!! I checked his emails I looked at his chats, I read everything!!! and its not the first time I did it. I just can''t help myself! and the worse thing is he knows I did it. I admitted to it and everything. But I was the one that told him (begged him in fact!) to change his password. I told him I had a ranging addiction and to stop me is to change his password, but he didn''t!
He tells me nothing about the ring and what its up to and his plans (which, granted, he shouldn''t) But I neeeeeeed to know!! I am insane.

A bit of background - We went to a jeweler, picked the stone and the setting and they have started making it and that''s all I know. What I want to find out is, what he is saying to his friends about it and any correspondence with the jeweler and when it will be complete.

Ok what I found out. Not much!!!! Just him saying to his friends that he put a deposit down and needs to pay it off.... Zero about what he actually plans to do, which is EXCELLENT that I didn''t found out (because even though I snoop i still want it to be a surprise) but.... I want to know every single detail of what he is planning!!!!

Help me!!!!!!!! what can I do! I feel like a drug addict!
how do I get it out of mind.... I think I feel this way because the stone has been away for a while ( haahahha like 2-3 weeks.. thats a life time right now)
and I want to know whats going on....

Advice, please help me. My boyfriend is furious! He thinks I have trust issues. It has nothing to do with that. I have never snooped about anything with him before. I just want a diamond lol
 
You not only have trust issues, you have integrity issues. Serious ones.

You seem to think because this is about a diamond (that you don''t even own yet), it''s somehow OK to snoop. You further push the responsibility off on your FFI that it''s HIS fault that he didn''t change his password?

What planet do you live on?

There is nothing cute about this behavior. No hahahhaaa, no lol. Just pity for someone with such poor values
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I can understand that you're excited about the ring and, more importantly, being engaged to the man you love. My FF is in the process of working out my ring (I have NO IDEA how far along in the process he is) and I know his email password too. I know that the jeweler he might work with has his email address and told him he would be in touch via email. I would never snoop though because I don't want to ruin the surprise or upset him. I realize its a big deal for him to trust me enough to know his passwords but I don't abuse that power.

I'm not sure what to say to get you to stop snooping except that its something you know upset your FF and I can imagine that its not something you'd want to do again.

Be patient and eventually his plan will be revealed!
 
It really just sounds to me like you''re more excited about an engangement ring than a promise from your BF to wed. You also seem to care more about an engagement ring than the feelings of the person that you''re planning to wed some day.

How would you feel if you your BF put his materialism over your feelings? Try thinking about that next time you search through his things.

I know you''re excited, but imagine how you''d feel if you were planning one of the biggest surprises of your life, and your BF took that all away from you but searching through your private things.

Take a breath, step back, and re-analyze what exactly is going on right now. Is it really your BF you want, or a ring?
 

I can sympathize with the anxiety involved in waiting for the ring and wanting to know the status. There isn’t much you can do about that. No matter what any of us says, its not going to go away until the ring is on your finger…which brings me to my next point.


He is making a huge purchase for you, about to commit his life to you, and what are you doing? Putting doubts into his head. If it was me and I knew that I was with someone that was snooping on me, I would think twice about marrying that person. You need to back away from his email and his chats. That’s a huge invasion of privacy and while there should be no secrets in a relationship, there also needs to be a level of trust and respect.


Now, I’m fairly certain that no matter what any of us says you are still going to snoop so this is my advice to you: don’t let him find out you do it. Your “addiction” shouldn’t be his problem and if you can’t control yourself, then at least don’t bother him with it.
 
Oh boy, I think you''re going to get a lot of replies to this.... and I have to say I bet I will agree with most.

STOP SNOOPING! My BF is in the ring buying process, and I know his email password, but I WILL NOT snoop because I know that a surprise engagement means so much to both of us (besides the fact that I wouldn''t check his email to begin with- I believe in privacy). I don''t want to ruin it for him or me.

Furthermore, he is "furious" and suspects trust issues- isn''t that enough to make you stop? Do you really want to get engaged with this bothering him and hanging over your relationship!? I know it can be hard not to be in on something so important- but at least you know he is working on the ring and you will be getting it someday soon so just leave it at that. You don''t want to piss him off anymore. Good luck and please stop snooping!!
 
STOP IT!!!!
 
Concur with Purrfectpear ... and every single word!
 
You already know the ring is on its way. I don''t understand what you feel compelled to snoop for. What is there left to worry about??

If you continue, you''ll ruin the proposal/surprise.
 
You shouldn''t snoop. I have all my SO''s passwords (have occansionaly typed them in when I''m on the computer and he needs to check something out real fast, but he has ALWAYS been right there with me at the time!) We have one e-mail that we both use, we opened it together, and it was to both of our knowledge that the two of us would use it, we use it for for the less important things that require an e-mails, because we didn''t want to both get alot of junk mail. Other than that I''ve never, never, ever, ever snooped. I don''t feel any desire to either, which I suspose is a good thing!

I understand that this is a stressful time for you. I myself am a control freak. I love to plan, be in charge, and just know what''s going on! This usually benifts me, as noone else really ever wants to take control! However, it''s very difficult to have "control" over the whole engagment ring situation! Luckily enough my SO & I picked out my ring together, so I know what it will look like. However, once it arrives he''s not letting me see it until the day he pops the question! More likely than not, this day will be well over the silm return policey. Now he knows to take it to get it looked over and etc as soon as he gets it, but this is KILLING ME!!! I want to have an approvale too!!!! But I can''t. I realize it''s important to him to let me have that "wow" factor the first time I lay eyes on the ring, and as much as I''d LOVE LOVE LOVE to see it the second it arrives, that''s not what he wants. This time in our lives is as much about him as it is me. Please try to grasp that concept. Afterall, it''s his TIME, MONEY, and LOVE that are going into the ring... the important this is you''re going to be engaged to the person you love more than ANYTHING (right?). If he uses a twiste tie... who cares? You got the man!!!

Just try to relax, re-evaluate whats important, and remember to let him have his moment as well!
 
I would think you have trust issues too if I were your SO. Honestly, now it''s a diamond but what else could it end up being in the future? What other things will you not be able to live without knowing? It''s not his job to safeguard his life from you, he''s trying to share his life with you. It''s your job to respect him, and your relationship, enough not to go snooping for anything, for any reason. Here''s a novel idea: talk with him about the ring. You might not learn any new information, but it sounds like you didn''t learn that from snooping anyway. At least if you talk to him about it he''ll still be in a position to trust you instead of beginning to doubt whether you''re the kind of person he wants to even be around, let alone marry. I know it sounds harsh, but this is serious. Best of luck to you.
 

Yeah, it''s not your boyfriend''s responsibility to change his password so you can stop snooping. It''s up to you to learn how to control your behaviour.


I don''t believe you have an addiction - I believe you can control yourself if you really make the effort to. You have urges that seem uncontrollable (all of us do), and you''re choosing to give in to those urges, by telling yourself you have an addiction and you just need to know!! It''s an exciting time for you, yes, but you don''t NEED to know everything that is happening, and you may be really damaging your BF''s opinion of you by not being able to control your excitement over a ring that is coming in just a few weeks, especially when you know it''s violating his privacy and trust.


The next time you have the urge to snoop, try to control yourself - YOU CAN. Try to sternly talk yourself out of it and remind yourself you need to develop some patience and self-control. I''m sure you ''ll feel much better about yourself when you''re able to do that.

 
I don't get the whole knowing each other's passwors thing. My fiance and I have been living together for 2 years and the one aspect that is private is that he doesn't know my passwords or me his.... We prefer it that way so we never end up snooping in each other's emails for whatever reason. Every single couple I know who has each other's passwords end up snooping. I prefer to ask my fiance to show me his emails if I would ever want to see his inbox than go behind his back an open his account. That is such a violation of privacy an extremly unhealthy in a relationship.
 
Date: 8/11/2008 12:28:41 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
I don''t get the whole knowing each other''s passwors thing. My fiance and I have been living together for 2 years and the one aspect that is private is that he doesn''t know my passwords or me his.... We prefer it that way so we never end up snooping in each other''s emails for whatever reason. Every single couple I know who has each other''s passwords end up snooping. I prefer to ask my fiance to show me his emails if I would ever want to see his inbox than go behind his back an open his account. That is such a violation of privacy an extremly unhealthy in a relationship.
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We know each other''s passwords to everything. I never go into his account unless he''s away from a computer and asks me to check his mail. Having passwords isn''t the unhealthy part or the violation of privacy. It''s what you do with the information.
 
Ditto to Fiery. My parents actually SHARE their e-mail account. They have no secrets from each other.

But looking at HIS account is really unhealthy and wrong. Please don't snoop. If I were your boyfriend and I knew you were doing that, I'd think twice about marrying you. And I truly mean that. In a good marriage, there's enough trust that most things are share-able, but neither person feels the desire to check up on the other. I could guess my DH's passwords in a minute, I'm pretty sure. But it has never once crossed my mind to do so. Same on his end. Yeah, sometimes we get nosey with each other and say "What are you looking at for so long online?" (with me it's usually PS!) and then we jokingly say "Mind your own business!" But we would never actually CHECK.

If I knew he was looking at my e-mail, I would think that our relationship was in serious, serious trouble, and I can tell you that I would never NEVER have married him if I knew he did that.

The only time I have felt the temptation to snoop was when I had already found out that an Ex was cheating on me. In other words, it is a symptom of and a sign of distrust.

So please, stop.
 
Date: 8/11/2008 5:03:33 AM
Author:lasscreative
I snooped! I snooped so bad it hurts!! I checked his emails I looked at his chats, I read everything!!! and its not the first time I did it. I just can't help myself! and the worse thing is he knows I did it. I admitted to it and everything. But I was the one that told him (begged him in fact!) to change his password. I told him I had a ranging addiction and to stop me is to change his password, but he didn't!
He tells me nothing about the ring and what its up to and his plans (which, granted, he shouldn't) But I neeeeeeed to know!! I am insane.

A bit of background - We went to a jeweler, picked the stone and the setting and they have started making it and that's all I know. What I want to find out is, what he is saying to his friends about it and any correspondence with the jeweler and when it will be complete.

Ok what I found out. Not much!!!! Just him saying to his friends that he put a deposit down and needs to pay it off.... Zero about what he actually plans to do, which is EXCELLENT that I didn't found out (because even though I snoop i still want it to be a surprise) but.... I want to know every single detail of what he is planning!!!!

Help me!!!!!!!! what can I do! I feel like a drug addict!
how do I get it out of mind.... I think I feel this way because the stone has been away for a while ( haahahha like 2-3 weeks.. thats a life time right now)
and I want to know whats going on....

Advice, please help me. My boyfriend is furious! He thinks I have trust issues. It has nothing to do with that. I have never snooped about anything with him before. I just want a diamond lol
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Perhaps his not changing his passwords AFTER you told him what you were doing is his way of seeing if he can trust you. So far, you are failing that test.

This is a serious breach of trust in a relationship.

So, what do you think it is, if not a *trust issue*. Just because you "want a diamond"???

And that's not an *lol*

Good luck with this: you have some work ahead of you to mend this breach. But if you're still passing it off as "lol" because you "want a diamond", you (not he) has a long way to go.

LS
 
Ditto to purrfectpear, fieryred and elledizzy. ETA: also to IndyGal and LostSapphire

I'm also wondering if it's the ring you want or the man.

If I were him, I'd be seriously rethinking proposing to you.

You have nothing if you don't have trust.
 
Ditto to what the others have said.

I, personally, think it''s a huge issue that you would be this dishonest over a RING. A ring that is supposed to stand for love and trust and commitment. It would be something entirely different (although still not acceptable) if you said, I suspect he is being unfaithful and I checked him email. But to snoop over a ring? I don''t know... I agree with the others, it would definitely make me hesitate about being engaged. You''re doing your relationship with this man a huge disservice by saying basically that you having the ring is more important than his feelings and he''s made his feelings on the situation known.
 
Ok, you are really going to need to channel your energy. Go to the gym every time you want to snoop, or call a friend. Get away from the PC.

I very recently found out that BF was looking at rings (he left his email up on his PC the whole weekend that I was there
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Note, I saw the subject line and sender of the email with the jeweler, I did not open and read it) and I was thrilled, because I had NO IDEA that he was looking into rings, but it did send me on a "I need to know" tizzy. I posted on PS, and everyone told me that I could not under any circumstances check his email. I didn't. It was VERY hard, but after a few days, it got easier. It's hard when you let yourself think that it is not off limits. I had to remind myself that it was never an option, then it became easier and easier.

Honestly, if he wanted you to know, he would have told you.

Real talk. There are plenty of women who pick out the ring with their guys, and some even know when and where the proposal will come. You are not dating one of those guys, so you are going to have to do better at respecting his privacy.

Since he knows that you snooped already, you may want to consider apologizing. Let him know that you recognize that it was selfish and unfair, and that it won't happen again, that you just let the excitement about spending the rest of your life together get the best of you. Maybe you can do something nice for him. You can't undo the snooping, but you can change the behavior and the poor impression that it made
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Good luck!

ETA: You are catching a lot of flack here, but if you have read around the forums, there are many gals here who have looked for rings, paperwork, and all sorts of info about their future rings, just not necessarily on email. It really does get to the best of us, but learning patience is important, and I am glad that you are not lying/hiding from your BF that you have done this.
 
Date: 8/11/2008 12:28:41 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
I don''t get the whole knowing each other''s passwors thing.
Click to expand...

i know his and he knows mine. there are times when i will want him to read something in my inbox and vice versa. i suppose forwarding is an option, but we have nothing to hide from each other. it works for us.
 
Date: 8/11/2008 2:05:19 PM
Author: tenfour

Date: 8/11/2008 12:28:41 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
I don''t get the whole knowing each other''s passwors thing.
Click to expand...

i know his and he knows mine. there are times when i will want him to read something in my inbox and vice versa. i suppose forwarding is an option, but we have nothing to hide from each other. it works for us.
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To each their own I suppose... if it works for you guys than good for you! I still think there should be some borders in a relationship you just don''t cross... If you share an email account or know each other''s passwords but don''t use them that is completely different than knowing someone''s password and checking in on their emails without them knowing - which is what I am commenting on.
 
Hi Lasscreative: I figured you would get slammed for this, and I can''t say I blame our fellow PSers. But, I do want to remind many LIWs that some of them encourage or enable snooping, so I think we need to look to ourselves as part of the problem. It''s not just you, but that doesn''t make it any less problematic. I think it is really good that you realize you want to stop. If this really is an addiction, admitting the problem is the first step.

For me, the easiest way to break the habit is to think how I felt about it. If my BF was looking through my chats, e-mails, etc. I wouldn''t just be changing passwords, I would be changing BFs, too. To him this may well be a deal-breaker, and you don''t want to loose him for the ring do you?

Plus, what are you going to do if you find it? Wear it and skip the proposal? Shift your ''addiction'' to snooping for other more important information (like financial records, etc.)? Just know where it is/what it looks like and still be a LIW?

You and your SO need to talk about this soon because if he is as furious at you as I would be, you may not be having a BF around to snoop on. Plus, if this is so important to you, you should also talk about why you weren''t a part of the ring process. After all, it is a symbol of a joint decision to spend the rest of your life together.
 
23.gif


Gah....wha...huh...uh...*sputter*

.....

....

OK, what THEY (all of them) said.

(and WHY do threads like this still surprise me? Am I old fashioned to think that women should just chill out about impending engagement?)

Gah.
 
Date: 8/12/2008 12:10:25 AM
Author: TravelingGal
23.gif



Gah....wha...huh...uh...*sputter*


.....


....


OK, what THEY (all of them) said.


(and WHY do threads like this still surprise me? Am I old fashioned to think that women should just chill out about impending engagement?)


Gah.
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LOL TG: I was thinking the same thing. Please just let the poor guys propose!!!!!!!
 
i''m not going to say much. everything has already been said, and i agree with the gals. but i''m sorry for your bf. he needs to run. you need help. you''re in it for all the wrong reasons. what a shame.
 
Ok everyone! here is my respond!
I agree with pretty much everything people have responded with and knew they were heading my way when I created this thread.

I only know his password because he was away from the computer and had to get me to check something, this was only recently and has asked me to do it a few times since. That''s why it is fresh in my memory. We have been going out for 3.5 years and it never bothered me that I didn''t know it before. I would have preferred not knowing it. He would happily show me anything in his emails.

Just to re-iterate. I have never ever snooped at anything since this time I did it. I know what my problem is. I was apart of the whole ring making process together, we searched, hunted down and looked at diamonds together, we browsed leon mege together, we went to the jewelers together, we agreed on a design together so once everything was fine and ball started rolling he cut me out of the rest of the process, just threw me to the side, so to speak... time to be hush hush about it.... WHICH YES!!! its FAIR ENOUGH! But like one poster said! I am and she is a control freak. I need to know every detail, make sure everything is okay, on track. I am the kind of person who would like to plan her own surprise party!

When he went cold turkey on me, I went berserk and lost a part of my brain. One poster said that maybe if I had talked to him about it! I tried --- he did the whole cute thing of "what ring?? I don''t know what you are talking about" My dear boyfriend knows I slipped up in a big way and I have apologised profusely. The same level of trust is there still.

I just felt he (for someone who makes sure everything is perfect) wasn''t putting that same level of attention in our ring (which in hindsight, he obviously was!!!! he never leaves anything to chance and he knows that this is a big purchase) But he was doing this as an act to deter me.

I haven''t looked since and the desire to look is GONE!!! Because I feel such a strong wave of shame rush over me! How could I have done this to our relationship! Whats to see anyway. On Thursday night we are going to the jewelers to try on the ring with no stones set... so, honestly what more do I need to know????

At the time I wrote the first post, I needed these responses, because I had a big fear I would look again.
But that fear is gone! (and to indulge you all!! I was being ultra materialistic to th highest level)

Thanks everyone! I hope you will still look forward to the engagement story and my Ring in the SMTR section???
 
Glad you came to your senses girl. We look forward to seeing pics on your finger after the big question
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Date: 8/11/2008 8:41:23 AM
Author: purrfectpear
You not only have trust issues, you have integrity issues. Serious ones.


You seem to think because this is about a diamond (that you don't even own yet), it's somehow OK to snoop. You further push the responsibility off on your FFI that it's HIS fault that he didn't change his password?


What planet do you live on?


There is nothing cute about this behavior. No hahahhaaa, no lol. Just pity for someone with such poor values
38.gif
Click to expand...

What's the big deal about reading emails? I mean, he's your husband, or soon to be... I mean, my man naturally hears every single phone conversation I have, because he's in the same room... our email address delivers mail to us both... I don't get the big guilt trip, really...

ETA: and let's face it, she's getting engaged, with a flash rock. 'nuff said!
 
The drama is killing me. Just chill. I haven''t even had my coffee yet.
 
Date: 8/12/2008 8:35:37 AM
Author: LaraOnline

Date: 8/11/2008 8:41:23 AM
Author: purrfectpear
You not only have trust issues, you have integrity issues. Serious ones.


You seem to think because this is about a diamond (that you don''t even own yet), it''s somehow OK to snoop. You further push the responsibility off on your FFI that it''s HIS fault that he didn''t change his password?


What planet do you live on?


There is nothing cute about this behavior. No hahahhaaa, no lol. Just pity for someone with such poor values
38.gif
Click to expand...

What''s the big deal about reading emails? I mean, he''s your husband, or soon to be... I mean, my man naturally hears every single phone conversation I have, because he''s in the same room... our email address delivers mail to us both... I don''t get the big guilt trip, really...

ETA: and let''s face it, she''s getting engaged, with a flash rock. ''nuff said!
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But if your husband was "furious" at you for reading his emails and asked you to stop, would you continue?

I said earlier that we have each other''s passwords to everything and that includes voicemail. Now that we are planning a wedding, all of our vendors are calling me and leaving me messages so he goes in and listens to them. It''s no big deal for me but if it became one and I asked him to stop, I would expect him to stop out of respect because I asked. Had the OP''s FF "lol" at the situation to then no big deal but he doesn''t find it so funny.
 
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