Helping FI feel comfy with certain necessary wedding decisions...

[musey]

He has been great with all the event-planning stuff (choosing a venue, photographer, menu) and is actually pretty excited about it all (for a groom, anyway

).

However, there are a couple of things that he gets really uncomfortable about. First is selecting his wedding band... he doesn't even want to talk about it! Whenever I ask about it (has been about once a month thus far, with 10 months to go), he just shuts down and says "I don't know..."

He has almost the same reaction when I ask him about his groomsmen. I've told him that he can choose however many (even if that's none) and whomever he wants, but he says he feels "funny" asking that of his friends. I tried to give him some fun ideas for how to ask (tshirts, funny cards, etc.) and he just feels so uncomfortable with it. So I usually say "you know you don't have to have any groomsmen if you don't want to!" which he dismisses.


So it seems that these decisions that are solely up to him just make him too uncomfortable! How can I help take some of the pressure off, beyond just dropping it completely? (That would be a good option, if he weren't so indecisive by nature

)


I suppose this is sort of an unnecessary thread, as I'm sure we can work it out on our own, but I thought it might also provide a little venting area for other BIWs having trouble with indecisive/uncomfortable FIs

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

My suggestion with the ring is for you to pick a few that you think he will like and tell him that you love them and maybe he should pick from those. It might be less overwhelming if he is picking from 5 bands rather than every single one on the market.
It might sound silly, but if he is afrai of picking one band he will wear for the rest of his life, maybe you could ease the tention by having him buy two cheaper ones so he can switch off? My friend has 5 antique opal rings she switches out as her wedding ring and loves doing it.
I really don''t know what to tell you about the groomsmen though.

I don''t know if you know the thread, but just be careful letting him choose things by himself like Tgal and the guestbook!

 

[tberube]

OMG I'm looking in a mirror....FI is doing the same thing, with the ring and the best man thing. The only two things he has to do on his own! Good thing he's not planning the whole wedding, I say! But I figure he knows he needs a wedding ring, he'll get one in time. And with 8 months left, it's okay if he still isn't sure who his best man will be or how he'll ask him once he figures it out.

Or - I keep trying to tell myself that.

 

[partyjewels]

hmm. Mine had no problem with the groomsmen, he had them all picked and asked asap! But the wedding band thing, oh yes. The problem is he just doesn''t care what it looks like apparently. Thats what he told me just yesterday! He thinks that we''re going to just go to any old store and buy the first ones we find! He asked why it can''t just be a plain band, and I said thats fine, but theres no such thing as just a plain band, theres still loads of options! And while I may end up with a ''plain'' band, I still want to look! I''ve been looking all over the place online, but I''m not one to go looking at fine jewelery by myself. My sisters aren''t really into jewelery like I am, so they''d get irritated with me after the 1st store. My mom is always so busy so I feel a bit badly asking her to come with me for things like this, but at the same time I know she''s happy that I want her there.

But I digress. Since my FI has said he doesn''t really care what it looks like, I''m going to focus on finding something I love, and find something that goes nicely with it for him without being matchy matchy (cause I don''t think thats the way to go for us). He doesn''t want stones of any kind, and there are a few that I got him to look at pictures of that I know he didn''t like, so at least I have somewhere to start with! So I''m going to go the route of picking out a handful of rings and having him choose from them if he doesn''t want to go with me in the first place or do it on his own.

It''s not so much that he feels uncomfortable, my FI just thinks we have lots of time still before we have to do any of this.

 

[MustangGal]

If he''s having issues with deciding, maybe ask if he wants you to pick the ring for him? The narrowing it down idea might help also.

You could try the same approach with the groomsmen, or if you feel comfortable, maybe you could ask the men for him? I''m sure some of his close friends/family are kinda expecting it at this point.

 

[AmyBride]

I don''t have that particular problem, but I guess I can sort of understand, given that FI will (hopefully) be wearing the wedding band the rest of his life, and choosing groomsmen is one of those personal topics that men like to avoid

. I''m not sure I have any brilliant ideas, unfortunately.

 

[cara]

Attack the groomsmen problem slowly and let the ring issue sit for awhile longer, except for extracting a promise from him that he will start ring shopping on X date.

As for the groomsmen, you do need to push the issue a little bit because it will affect other things and you asking your bridesmaids. Don''t even address the how of asking, focus more on the who and the broad timing. Start perhaps with your own lists of potential bridesmaids. Of course the sides don''t have to line up exactly but it would look a little silly to have eleven bridesmaids up there with no guys but your groom. If you have a list of 3-4 people in your head to stand up on your side, see if he can even come up with a similar number. Ask if he really wants none or one or if he envisions 5 or 6 or if he says "whatever you want dear" and actually means it. If he keeps ducking, give him a deadline of say 7 mo out to address the issue, so that you can ask everyone in a timely fashion.

As for the how to ask, my hubby and I used some awkward variation of, "So, do you want to stand up in the wedding wearing a monkey suit/ugly dress?" Not for everyone, but...

On the ring, I totally feel you. My then FI was in absolute deadly fear of ring shopping, as if that would somehow make it real (in a way that putting down thousands of dollars in deposits somehow didn''t?) and the jewelry would emasculate him. He refused to even entertain the idea of ring shopping at 10 mo out, but brilliantly I made him promise to start ring shopping 4 months out because of the potential 8 week lead time for custom rings/sizes by some manufacturers.

And so he started shopping four months out, trying on rings with an pained silent expression for THREE MONTHS (I swear, he was almost worse than me deciding on engagement rings - at least I gave an indication of what I liked and what I didn''t) and finally he bought something off the shelf without me there a few weeks before the wedding, not cause it was better than the others, but just cause he was so sick of trying them on and it fit and we needed to check off that item on the to-do list.

I had to tell him we could upgrade/refresh it at some later anniversary if he grew to hate it just to get a ring for the wedding! So much for sentimental attachment.

 

[sumbride]

Mine didn''t have the same problem with the GMs... he had picked so many I had to ask him to narrow it down.... but the ring thing sounds familiar. Finally one day I got him into a jewelry store and he realized how many different kinds there were and suddenly he had definite preferences. If I''d just asked him to tell me what he wanted he wouldn''t have known because it had never occurred to him to think about it.

 

[FacetFire]

I totally understand where you are coming from! FI has looked at rings, but he doesn''t seem at all interested in picking one. He keeps saying that we have plenty of time (we are 5.5 months out). But then again, we seem to be doing eveything last minute. I don''t even have a caterer yet...yikes! But the groomsman/best man issue is immpossible with him. He doesn''t feel close to any of his old friends from high school or college, but doesn''t feel right asking his new friends who he has only known for a year or so. So, I am suggesting that we just go with my sister for the MOH and his dad for BM. But, he thinks just having his dad would look silly. So, I have no idea where we are at...and it''s getting to the point where he needs to decide so we can ask people. I realize that I have no good advice, though, but sometimes it''s just nice hearing that other people are in the same boat!

 

[firebirdgold]

Picking out jewelry sorta freaked DH out a bit. He just didn''t wear anything so the idea of something on his hand all the time was very unappealing! This turned out to be the root of my problems with him and picking the band. Maybe with yours as well?
Also I just couldn''t get him to think about it until a month and a half before the date. 10 months is pretty far out for a guy.


After a little poking we figured that comfort was most important to him. He wanted a medium to thin width with a flat thin profile. I did the research and checked out the stores ahead of time for DH''s band. He only had to do two shopping trips, once for research and the second to look at a single store with three bands to choose from. The idea was to make it as painless and easy as possible.
You know your guy, you surely have some idea what he might like that would help narrow the choices? You probably do even though you don''t know it.

It wasn''t until I started actually looking at them in person that I realized he''d find a matte finish gold ring the most appealing.


Can''t help you with the gm stuff. We didn''t go that route.

 

[bee*]

Am I the only one that has a FI that is so fussy about his wedding ring! He knows exactly what he wants and is so fussy about the detail. Maybe try and get him to have a look online Musey and see are there any that he likes and then you can maybe go have a look in a store afterwards.

On the groomsman thing, I can relate. D knows who he wants to ask but just won''t go ahead and ask them. There are a group of about 7 of them that hang around together and he wants to ask three of them but he''s afraid of letting the others down. I said to him that he should have more of them if he wants but he doesn''t want to ask the others as he''s not as close to them as the three that he wants to ask. I just think it''s strange that he doesn''t want to go ahead and ask them, as I was so excited to ask my bridesmaids. I suppose that''s the difference between men and women

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 1/4/2008 5:56:38 PM
Author: bee*
Am I the only one that has a FI that is so fussy about his wedding ring! He knows exactly what he wants and is so fussy about the detail. Maybe try and get him to have a look online Musey and see are there any that he likes and then you can maybe go have a look in a store afterwards.

On the groomsman thing, I can relate. D knows who he wants to ask but just won''t go ahead and ask them. There are a group of about 7 of them that hang around together and he wants to ask three of them but he''s afraid of letting the others down. I said to him that he should have more of them if he wants but he doesn''t want to ask the others as he''s not as close to them as the three that he wants to ask. I just think it''s strange that he doesn''t want to go ahead and ask them, as I was so excited to ask my bridesmaids. I suppose that''s the difference between men and women

No kidding about the ring, my FI is the same way. He found the perfect ring in Dublin but as we were starving students while we were living in Ireland, we couldn''t pick it up. Now he wants me to talk to local jewelers to see if any of them could get a hold of it.
He didn''t have a groomsmen problem since he has three brothers so I don''t have any advice.

 

[gtn]

For the wedding band, I would have pick out 5 rings for him to look at. Then ask what he likes/dislikes about each. I have to do the same with my FI. As for the Groomsmen... I would ask him who he would like in his wedding. Our wedding party is a mix of both of our male and female friends.

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/4/2008 8:11:04 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy

Date: 1/4/2008 5:56:38 PM

Author: bee*

Am I the only one that has a FI that is so fussy about his wedding ring! He knows exactly what he wants and is so fussy about the detail. Maybe try and get him to have a look online Musey and see are there any that he likes and then you can maybe go have a look in a store afterwards.


On the groomsman thing, I can relate. D knows who he wants to ask but just won''t go ahead and ask them. There are a group of about 7 of them that hang around together and he wants to ask three of them but he''s afraid of letting the others down. I said to him that he should have more of them if he wants but he doesn''t want to ask the others as he''s not as close to them as the three that he wants to ask. I just think it''s strange that he doesn''t want to go ahead and ask them, as I was so excited to ask my bridesmaids. I suppose that''s the difference between men and women

No kidding about the ring, my FI is the same way. He found the perfect ring in Dublin but as we were starving students while we were living in Ireland, we couldn''t pick it up. Now he wants me to talk to local jewelers to see if any of them could get a hold of it.

He didn''t have a groomsmen problem since he has three brothers so I don''t have any advice.

Which shop in Dublin did he find his ring? I think that we''re going to order ours from the US as the prices over here are so much higher!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Its not a specific shop. It is a style made in Ireland called the warrior ring. The pattern is based on the pattern on the chalice or Ardagh (sp). It is intricate but still very masculine and we both love it. Here it is.

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/5/2008 5:31:50 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
Its not a specific shop. It is a style made in Ireland called the warrior ring. The pattern is based on the pattern on the chalice or Ardagh (sp). It is intricate but still very masculine and we both love it. Here it is.

It''s lovely! Are there any shops over here that can ship it over to you? I remember reading somewhere that someone ordered a ring like that from rings of ireland or something with it a similar name. Next time I''m in town I''ll keep an eye out for you.

 

[Selkie]

Date: 1/5/2008 5:31:50 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
Its not a specific shop. It is a style made in Ireland called the warrior ring. The pattern is based on the pattern on the chalice or Ardagh (sp). It is intricate but still very masculine and we both love it. Here it is.

Wow, I LOVE that ring! Without the rails, it would even make a good woman''s ring. The color of the gold is beautiful, too.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 1/4/2008 8:11:04 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy

Date: 1/4/2008 5:56:38 PM

Author: bee*

Am I the only one that has a FI that is so fussy about his wedding ring! He knows exactly what he wants and is so fussy about the detail. Maybe try and get him to have a look online Musey and see are there any that he likes and then you can maybe go have a look in a store afterwards.


On the groomsman thing, I can relate. D knows who he wants to ask but just won''t go ahead and ask them. There are a group of about 7 of them that hang around together and he wants to ask three of them but he''s afraid of letting the others down. I said to him that he should have more of them if he wants but he doesn''t want to ask the others as he''s not as close to them as the three that he wants to ask. I just think it''s strange that he doesn''t want to go ahead and ask them, as I was so excited to ask my bridesmaids. I suppose that''s the difference between men and women

No kidding about the ring, my FI is the same way. He found the perfect ring in Dublin but as we were starving students while we were living in Ireland, we couldn''t pick it up. Now he wants me to talk to local jewelers to see if any of them could get a hold of it.

He didn''t have a groomsmen problem since he has three brothers so I don''t have any advice.

No, Mr. Surfgirl was more difficult to find a ring for than I was! We shopped many times, going to all manner of places. I was actually surprised that he wanted to wear a ring and not only that, that he wanted a ring he really loved! We finally found one, it was crazy expensive and I didn''t care because it made him SO happy...I sort of felt like now I know how the guy feels getting his girl the more pricey ring and seeing her expression...Anyway, he never takes it off unless he absolutely has to...I take mine off quite a bit. So it''s funny to think a man can be more picky than a woman about a wband but I''ve found that it''s worth it to help him in the process because if he loves the ring, he''ll be thrilled to actually wear it. That said, 10 months out is a long time. I think you can give him a few months to mull it over...What about pulling photos out of mags for him to look at? I do have to say, men''s wband selections are fairly awful! I was appalled at the lack of selection most places had. We found his band at Stuart Moore, who has more contemporary men''s designs from Germany and the like, very masculine and engineered to appeal to guys. But man, most of the selection was abysmal!

musey, have you asked him why he seems adverse to shopping for his ring? Do you have any idea what he prefers in terms of style? I remember that Single Stone had some interesting men''s designs...

 

[musey]

Date: 1/5/2008 5:58:45 PM
Author: surfgirl

musey, have you asked him why he seems adverse to shopping for his ring? Do you have any idea what he prefers in terms of style? I remember that Single Stone had some interesting men's designs...

Thanks for replying, everyone

Surfgirl, I have, and he has almost nothing to say for himself

I think the problem is that he wants to to find something in person (not online), because he's finding that what he likes in theory is not what he likes in practice (we found this out during a robbins bros. visit a couple of months ago).

Today we firmly established that he prefers the darker look of tungsten and titanium (they look great with his skin tone, I have to admit) and that he thinks a polished finish is "too feminine" (these are not new revelations for him, just more cemented now). I attached a compilation of ones that he likes--some for the finish, some for the shape (they're all very similar--we're not exactly weighing yellow gold against black titanium, here).

So it's not like we're at square one, which is good. We just really need to find a store or two with a great selection of tungsten and titanium for him to try on.

 

[musey]

I wanted to add that the main reason (and pretty much the ONLY reason) why I worry about him choosing and informing his groomsmen is... one of them canNOT stop asking me if he'll get to be in the wedding! Seriously, every time I see him it's "Do I get to be a groomsman?" and "Why hasn't he asked me yet?" or "Did he pick someone ELSE?!" This guy seriously has LIW-style anxiety!

I've told FI that he's quite anxious to be asked, but I think he gets some kind of cruel pleasure through making him wait

He doesn't see much point in asking before absolutely necessary. I guess there's no real reason, other than that it's kinda fun to have that stuff set!

 

[Independent Gal]

My FI also knew EXACTLY what he wanted for the ring. In fact, he has had very strong and definite opinions on every aspect of the wedding so far. ARGH! Mostly I''ve been letting him get his way.

Musey I think the technique of setting a timeline "Think about it, and on date X we''ll sit down and you make a decision" might help? That is funny about Mr. EagerBeaver Groomsman-to-be.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 1/5/2008 5:39:57 PM
Author: Selkie

Date: 1/5/2008 5:31:50 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
Its not a specific shop. It is a style made in Ireland called the warrior ring. The pattern is based on the pattern on the chalice or Ardagh (sp). It is intricate but still very masculine and we both love it. Here it is.

Wow, I LOVE that ring! Without the rails, it would even make a good woman''s ring. The color of the gold is beautiful, too.

Actually, they do it without rails and with smaller rails for women as well. They also do it with diamonds and a number of different golds. My engagement ring is long north south so I am not wearing a band but if I did it would be a matching one.