Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws, etc

[mmi]

Hey everyone. I will try to keep this short. Quick re-cap for those who don't know: BF and I have been together over seven years, we are going on 24 (me) and 26 (him). My last posts were about the diamond that BF and I bought in Feb. I've been trying my best not to get too much in a hurry with setting it, him proposing with it, etc. but as you can imagine it has been a little difficult.

But I don't think that's the big part of the matter. The problem is that BF has been "getting my hopes up" and then not following through. For example, he tells me he would like to look at settings online over the weekend, perhaps stop by the jewelry store we like. Weekend comes, nothing. I bring it up like, "Hey, remember we wanted to look at settings?" and he's like, "Oh. Uh, maybe later" then nothing. The same goes for anything remotely engagement or wedding related. (We are just planning to elope)

This goes on for a while and I am getting irritated and hurt and feeling like I am being blown off. I know there's got to be something behind it so I confront him gently about it. At first he insists that he just "forgets" by the time the weekend comes that we wanted to look at rings/wedding stuff. I don't buy this, I mean, if it's important to you at all, would you forget about it week after week? So after more prying he comes to the conclusion that he really wants to marry me, but the biggest thing holding him back a little is the fact that his parents aren't exactly over the moon about this. We have showed the diamond to his parents and my parents, and the reactions were a little different to say the least. Mine were gushing, besides themselves happy. His parents were confused why he got a diamond, why it was so expensive ($3.5k) for being so "small" (0.95ct), why we were "rushing" (wtf, after 7 years?), but overall gave their support, after the shock of it I guess. They are from a different culture, and I get that. My poor BF was hurt by this, and I feel terrible. They are an extremely family-oriented culture and what they feel weighs down on him, whether he admits it or not. He told me that if he felt support from his parents, we would already be married by now.

I don't know how to feel about all this. I grew up with a different background than he did, so that makes it hard to understand. I don't know if he should "man-up" and propose or if I should "woman-up" and wait for him to be ready. It's just kind of eating me up and I don't know what to do next.

Thanks so much for reading,
mmi

 

[missy]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

Sorry you are dealing with this mmi. Not knowing the whole situation ofc, I can only offer my opinion based on the info you have shared and it's not good.

I would not want to spend my life with someone who could not make important decisions on his own without needing mommy and daddy's approval. Sorry if this seems harsh but you guys have been together a long time and if he still seems hesitant based on the (seemingly lack of enthusiastic) approval from his parents that would be a huge red flag for me.

My dh's family hated me for him (based on their prejudices and misjudgment) and here we are 13 plus years later- happy and still very much in love. What did my dh do when his family expressed their disapproval all those years ago? He said that was unfortunate they felt that way but I was in his life for good so if they still wanted to be a part of his life they would have to accept that fact and be respectful of me.

This is but one obstacle you two will face if you share your lives together. You are a team and if he cannot handle this how will the rest of life's difficulties be overcome? I think a heart to heart is in order and perhaps, finding a therapist who can help you two successfully get through this. Wishing you the best of luck and I hope it works out for you. But you both need to want to make it work. It cannot be just you- there are 2 of you in this relationship.

 

[tammy77]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

Sorry you are dealing with this mmi. Not knowing the whole situation ofc, I can only offer my opinion based on the info you have shared and it's not good.

I would not want to spend my life with someone who could not make important decisions on his own without needing mommy and daddy's approval. Sorry if this seems harsh but you guys have been together a long time and if he still seems hesitant based on the (seemingly lack of enthusiastic) approval from his parents that would be a huge red flag for me.

My dh's family hated me for him (based on their prejudices and misjudgment) and here we are 13 plus years later- happy and still very much in love. What did my dh do when his family expressed their disapproval all those years ago? He said that was unfortunate they felt that way but I was in his life for good so if they still wanted to be a part of his life they would have to accept that fact and be respectful of me.

This is but one obstacle you two will face if you share your lives together. You are a team and if he cannot handle this how will the rest of life's difficulties be overcome? I think a heart to heart is in order and perhaps, finding a therapist who can help you two successfully get through this. Wishing you the best of luck and I hope it works out for you. But you both need to want to make it work. It cannot be just you- there are 2 of you in this relationship.

I couldn't have said it better, so I'm just going to +1.

Support from family is very important, I get that. Cultural differences are tough, I lived with it for 10 yrs with my ex (he's first generation Chinese, I'm Caucasian). His mother and father threatened to disown him when he announced our marriage (mind you, until he told them we were getting engaged, I was his "roommate" only...). They did come around to an extent, but I never felt like I was more than tolerated. It's an awful road to walk and it can be very lonely. Ultimately every big decision in our lives was made by his parents (where we lived, all of our big purchases, etc.) and eventually, I left him. Unfortunately, I lost all of my 20's, and am now tied to a city where I have no family until my children are old enough to make the decision on their own to move away with me.

Sorry for the off topic rant, I just think you need to think very carefully about entering into marriage with someone that seems to be putting you off because his parents aren't over the moon. It's just one of MANY decisions over the course of your marriage that they will have a strong opinion about, especially if/when you have children.

I'm sorry that you're in this position, it sucks!

 

[mmi]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

Thank you missy and tammy for reading and replying. I want to clarify that his parents have nothing against me. We get along pretty great actually. They just don't see the point in getting married now. Where he is from, men get married after 30-35 if at all. He is their youngest. It's just not in their nature to get excited about such things (or anything really). I think BF was hurt that my parents reacted with more love and excitement.

But yeah. I'm not seeing why this should delay us more or anything. Right now he has a "well, screw them, it doesn't matter" view on the whole thing, but we'll see if he really means it.

 

[tammy77]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

Oh! Well that makes a big difference. I'm glad that they do love you!

 

[missy]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

Thank you missy and tammy for reading and replying. I want to clarify that his parents have nothing against me. We get along pretty great actually. They just don't see the point in getting married now. Where he is from, men get married after 30-35 if at all. He is their youngest. It's just not in their nature to get excited about such things (or anything really). I think BF was hurt that my parents reacted with more love and excitement.

But yeah. I'm not seeing why this should delay us more or anything. Right now he has a "well, screw them, it doesn't matter" view on the whole thing, but we'll see if he really means it.

mmi, I am happy that they accept and love you but how is it his parents business when you get married? They don't see the point??
If the 2 of you feel ready for marriage that is your decision and should have nothing to do with his parents. It will be the 2 of you starting your (married) life together and his parents should have no input as to this very important decision. Will they be part of every (major or minor) decision the 2 of you make for the rest of their lives? I hope not. If you read Tammy's post closely you can see what detrimental effect that will have on your relationship. And think about your potential future children. That's when life will get way more difficult if he needs his parents approval for everything.

Honestly, if my bf was unsure because his parents didn't "see the point" in getting married now I would seriously question if I wanted to marry him at all. Sorry if this sounds harsh but warning bells are going off in my head. My SIL (dh's brother's wife!) didn't see the "point" in us getting married because we didn't want children. Seriously, that's her business? Umm, not even a tiny bit. I dislike when people meddle in intimate matters none of their business. Controlling and manipulative are never a good ingredient in any marriage and to my eye, that is exactly what it seems his parents are doing.

 

[Enerchi]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

mmi, I feel for you in this situation. I have no personal experience to share other than, people get MORE set in their ways than LESS , as time goes on. Patterns become entrenched and if his pattern is to defer to what parents wish, that won't change over time it will just intensify.

Are you sure you are ready for more of this forever? I am not being flippant or intentionally noisy, just concerned for you and your happiness. If he can get past his parents influence become more of a 'couple' and not a 'son', then maybe I'm just talking thru my hat. Tammy has made a good point above. I have acquaintances that have lived this and all is not well in their homes. No decisions are made without deferring to parents - who do not have the educational abilities or sufficient information to make such huge decisions--- for someone else!

I'm just a worried PSer, hoping for the best for you! Best wishes and big hug sent your way {{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[mmi]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

Thank you missy and tammy for reading and replying. I want to clarify that his parents have nothing against me. We get along pretty great actually. They just don't see the point in getting married now. Where he is from, men get married after 30-35 if at all. He is their youngest. It's just not in their nature to get excited about such things (or anything really). I think BF was hurt that my parents reacted with more love and excitement.

But yeah. I'm not seeing why this should delay us more or anything. Right now he has a "well, screw them, it doesn't matter" view on the whole thing, but we'll see if he really means it.

mmi, I am happy that they accept and love you but how is it his parents business when you get married? They don't see the point??
If the 2 of you feel ready for marriage that is your decision and should have nothing to do with his parents. It will be the 2 of you starting your (married) life together and his parents should have no input as to this very important decision. Will they be part of every (major or minor) decision the 2 of you make for the rest of their lives? I hope not. If you read Tammy's post closely you can see what detrimental effect that will have on your relationship. And think about your potential future children. That's when life will get way more difficult if he needs his parents approval for everything.

Honestly, if my bf was unsure because his parents didn't "see the point" in getting married now I would seriously question if I wanted to marry him at all. Sorry if this sounds harsh but warning bells are going off in my head. My SIL (dh's brother's wife!) didn't see the "point" in us getting married because we didn't want children. Seriously, that's her business? Umm, not even a tiny bit. I dislike when people meddle in intimate matters none of their business. Controlling and manipulative are never a good ingredient in any marriage and to my eye, that is exactly what it seems his parents are doing.

Missy, I absolutely agree that it is not their place. It gets complicated though by the fact that they are staying in the US with a visitor's visa. Pretty much everything they do is taken care of by BF (who is not a citizen but getting there). They are completely dependent on him, moreso than they should be, we both agree. But that complicates things because what we do directly affects them and where they may live. Maybe they are worried a little bit about what will happen to them? They DID get brushed aside by their older son when he got married. He picked up and moved 500 miles away. I grew up in a not-so family oriented household. We make it a point to try to be independent of each other. So this is a cultural difference. BF is pretty Americanized but does get pulled in both directions.

mmi

 

[mmi]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

mmi, I feel for you in this situation. I have no personal experience to share other than, people get MORE set in their ways than LESS , as time goes on. Patterns become entrenched and if his pattern is to defer to what parents wish, that won't change over time it will just intensify.

Are you sure you are ready for more of this forever? I am not being flippant or intentionally noisy, just concerned for you and your happiness. If he can get past his parents influence become more of a 'couple' and not a 'son', then maybe I'm just talking thru my hat. Tammy has made a good point above. I have acquaintances that have lived this and all is not well in their homes. No decisions are made without deferring to parents - who do not have the educational abilities or sufficient information to make such huge decisions--- for someone else!

I'm just a worried PSer, hoping for the best for you! Best wishes and big hug sent your way {{{{HUGS}}}}

Enerchi,
I so agree. I've talked to BF in the past about us being a team and putting each other first, and he adamantly agreed. Of course, the heart and the head do different things.

I'm trying to imagine the situation if MY parents told ME "what's the rush?"... my parents are smart, and it would make me pause and think a bit for sure. However they are not like that at all and are overwhelmingly supportive. More like "it's about time!"

Thank you for the hugs!

 

[missy]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

Thank you missy and tammy for reading and replying. I want to clarify that his parents have nothing against me. We get along pretty great actually. They just don't see the point in getting married now. Where he is from, men get married after 30-35 if at all. He is their youngest. It's just not in their nature to get excited about such things (or anything really). I think BF was hurt that my parents reacted with more love and excitement.

But yeah. I'm not seeing why this should delay us more or anything. Right now he has a "well, screw them, it doesn't matter" view on the whole thing, but we'll see if he really means it.

mmi, I am happy that they accept and love you but how is it his parents business when you get married? They don't see the point??
If the 2 of you feel ready for marriage that is your decision and should have nothing to do with his parents. It will be the 2 of you starting your (married) life together and his parents should have no input as to this very important decision. Will they be part of every (major or minor) decision the 2 of you make for the rest of their lives? I hope not. If you read Tammy's post closely you can see what detrimental effect that will have on your relationship. And think about your potential future children. That's when life will get way more difficult if he needs his parents approval for everything.

Honestly, if my bf was unsure because his parents didn't "see the point" in getting married now I would seriously question if I wanted to marry him at all. Sorry if this sounds harsh but warning bells are going off in my head. My SIL (dh's brother's wife!) didn't see the "point" in us getting married because we didn't want children. Seriously, that's her business? Umm, not even a tiny bit. I dislike when people meddle in intimate matters none of their business. Controlling and manipulative are never a good ingredient in any marriage and to my eye, that is exactly what it seems his parents are doing.

Missy, I absolutely agree that it is not their place. It gets complicated though by the fact that they are staying in the US with a visitor's visa. Pretty much everything they do is taken care of by BF (who is not a citizen but getting there). They are completely dependent on him, moreso than they should be, we both agree. But that complicates things because what we do directly affects them and where they may live. Maybe they are worried a little bit about what will happen to them? They DID get brushed aside by their older son when he got married. He picked up and moved 500 miles away. I grew up in a not-so family oriented household. We make it a point to try to be independent of each other. So this is a cultural difference. BF is pretty Americanized but does get pulled in both directions.

OK, I understand what you are saying but I am still aggravated for you. Let me tell you why. It is a parent's goal (or should be anyway) that their child grows up to be self sufficient and happy. That should be a main goal IMO. It is not right for parents to stunt the emotional growth of their child for their own (selfish) reasons. Their other son made his own life for himself and had the "nerve" to move 500 miles away!! In my view, it was his every right to do so. He has a wife and hopefully they are making a happy life for themselves. Every person deserves that right.

It gets complicated sure. But life is like that. Complicated and messy and believe me, if it wasn't this it would be something else. I am still not sure what you guys getting married have to do with them and it really is none of my business. You posted and I was sharing my experiences and thoughts with you.

Let me share one more quick story. My gf comes from an old school Italian family and long story short when she got divorced (still in her 20's) her parents insisted she move back home. Because a single woman doesn't live away from her parents till she gets married. Her dad died and fast forward 20 some odd years later and she is still living at home taking care of her mother. She has no life. She takes her mom on all her appts and does everything for her. She has a sister but her sister has a child and has her own life. Take from this story what you will. And ask yourself how do you see your future? I truly wish you the best of luck in a difficult situation. Sometimes you really need to be a little selfish and put yourself first especially when it seems no one else will.

I so agree. I've talked to BF in the past about us being a team and putting each other first, and he adamantly agreed. Of course, the heart and the head do different things.

Actions speak way louder than words mmi. Please take that to heart.
I am also sending you lots of hugs because I didn't mean to come off so harsh in what I know is a tough time for you. Please listen to your heart and head and think about what you want your future to look like. Hugs!

 

[audball]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

Oh mmi. I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated. I know it's tough.

From what I can see there is good news and bad news. Good news is your BF is SAYING he's on the same page with you. Other good news is that his parents don't outright dislike/disapprove of you. Bad news is your BF is SHOWING you that he's on the same page with you and his parents seem to be the cause.

7 years is a long time. Keep perspective too, though. You have been together for 7 years but it was from 17-24 for you and 19-26 for him. The first several years of your relationship you were likely (assuming here, sorry if it's inaccurate!) somewhat dependent on your parents. 7 years is still undoubtedly a long time, but different than say someone who dated from 30-37 and was still waiting.

If his culture doesn't find it acceptable to marry before 30-35, I can see why his parents were less than enthusiastic despite how long you've been dating. But I also see why you are ready, your culture doesn't have the same stigma and come on! It's been 7 years!

Ultimately it seems your BF has a decision to make. Make you happy by moving forward with the timeline you were both comfortable with until his parents slowed him down OR make his parents happy and make you wait. To me, the latter is unacceptable. In marriage you should be making a new family with your intended. That doesn't mean he has to be disrespectful of his parents, but he should state that he intends to make a life with you and that your joint feelings have to come first.

Until he is ready to do that, I wouldn't take his promises of shopping each weekend very seriously. In fact, I'd probably tell him to stop teasing me and decide what is most important to him. If he loves you and wants to marry you now as much as he has SAID he wants to, he'll figure out a way to respectfully tell his parents that it's happening anyway and SHOW you he's really on the same page and move forward.

Best of luck sweetie. Keep us posted.

 

[madelise]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I really have no advice. I'm just uber curious as to what culture it is that a male is to marry at 30-35?? I've never heard of anything like that. I always thought all of the "old school cultures" that were carried over from other countries all had earlier marrying ages? And that "westernizing" had been the reason we're all postponing (due to pursuing higher and higher academia and saving $$$ in our current economic times) as compared to the older generations?

If they're here only temporarily, and your SO is currently on his way of becoming a citizen.. doesn't that mean he's going to be staying in the US but his parents will eventually have to go back to their home country (unless they plan on hiding out from the government)? Or can he sponsor them to also become citizens? Wouldn't him marrying you quicken the process of him becoming a citizen?

 

[audball]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I really have no advice. I'm just uber curious as to what culture it is that a male is to marry at 30-35?? I've never heard of anything like that. I always thought all of the "old school cultures" that were carried over from other countries all had earlier marrying ages? And that "westernizing" had been the reason we're all postponing (due to pursuing higher and higher academia and saving $$$ in our current economic times) as compared to the older generations?

If they're here only temporarily, and your SO is currently on his way of becoming a citizen.. doesn't that mean he's going to be staying in the US but his parents will eventually have to go back to their home country (unless they plan on hiding out from the government)? Or can he sponsor them to also become citizens? Wouldn't him marrying you quicken the process of him becoming a citizen?

Not that I would recommend using this as an argument to move things in the direction you want them to go...

But good question madelise! I'm also curious as to what the parents future plans are in terms of where they will live. Going against them now could make your life quite difficult if, in their culture, it is customary for his parents to live with you two or something?

 

[Enerchi]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

Interesting points Madelise.

Would you mind sharing some more info, mmi? Maybe it could help us to learn as well...

 

[madelise]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

But they're not marrying for the sake of that citizenship, they're marrying because they've been together for 7 years and want to. A marriage won't work if he gets sent away! I'm just trying to understand the parents' logic..

 

[audball]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

But they're not marrying for the sake of that citizenship, they're marrying because they've been together for 7 years and want to. A marriage won't work if he gets sent away! I'm just trying to understand the parents' logic..

Agreed! Just a gentle reminder to her not to let that tid bit of information affect the situation. It didn't sound like he was at any risk of being sent away any time soon since he's in the middle of the citizenship process already. The parents' logic does seem wacky. I hope mmi chimes in with some more information about the here and now and what the future will hold in terms of them and his parents status to see if it helps sway any advice.

 

[madelise]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

From my and SO's extended families' and family friends' experience, one could be in the midst of a citizenship application after years, and still get rejected. Own a home, have children that are citizens, have a job, pay taxes.. being completely responsible citizens that are self-reliant and all.. and have to be faced with selling it all and leaving in a short period of time. OR paying lots of $$$ to re-apply by hiring immigration lawyers. I'm watching one of my closet family-friends, an aunt figure to me whose lived here for over 20 some years have to move back to Taiwan after getting rejected now the second time. It's painful for all of us around her.

I guess it's an extra reason why I am so confused for OP's situation!

 

[mmi]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I really have no advice. I'm just uber curious as to what culture it is that a male is to marry at 30-35?? I've never heard of anything like that. I always thought all of the "old school cultures" that were carried over from other countries all had earlier marrying ages? And that "westernizing" had been the reason we're all postponing (due to pursuing higher and higher academia and saving $$$ in our current economic times) as compared to the older generations?

If they're here only temporarily, and your SO is currently on his way of becoming a citizen.. doesn't that mean he's going to be staying in the US but his parents will eventually have to go back to their home country (unless they plan on hiding out from the government)? Or can he sponsor them to also become citizens? Wouldn't him marrying you quicken the process of him becoming a citizen?

It's the trend in Europe to marry later these days. I will try not to say what country for privacy reasons, but a quick Wikipedia search tells me men are about 33 at the age of first marriage. In the US it seems quite low compared to other countries!

Visitor visa means they stay in the US 6 months at a time, then must go back. So they own a house (through BF) in the US and spend half the year here. Yes, marrying me would speed up the process, but BF will be eligible within a couple years anyway.

 

[mmi]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I really have no advice. I'm just uber curious as to what culture it is that a male is to marry at 30-35?? I've never heard of anything like that. I always thought all of the "old school cultures" that were carried over from other countries all had earlier marrying ages? And that "westernizing" had been the reason we're all postponing (due to pursuing higher and higher academia and saving $$$ in our current economic times) as compared to the older generations?

If they're here only temporarily, and your SO is currently on his way of becoming a citizen.. doesn't that mean he's going to be staying in the US but his parents will eventually have to go back to their home country (unless they plan on hiding out from the government)? Or can he sponsor them to also become citizens? Wouldn't him marrying you quicken the process of him becoming a citizen?

Not that I would recommend using this as an argument to move things in the direction you want them to go...

But good question madelise! I'm also curious as to what the parents future plans are in terms of where they will live. Going against them now could make your life quite difficult if, in their culture, it is customary for his parents to live with you two or something?

We have been upfront with them about the fact that we will likely have to leave the area we are currently staying to find a less saturated job market for me. I don't know what that means for them in terms of where they will live. I don't think they know either! BF thinks they will perhaps sell their house in the US and spend more of the year in their home country, but that has not been decided for sure.

 

[mmi]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

But they're not marrying for the sake of that citizenship, they're marrying because they've been together for 7 years and want to. A marriage won't work if he gets sent away! I'm just trying to understand the parents' logic..

Agreed! Just a gentle reminder to her not to let that tid bit of information affect the situation. It didn't sound like he was at any risk of being sent away any time soon since he's in the middle of the citizenship process already. The parents' logic does seem wacky. I hope mmi chimes in with some more information about the here and now and what the future will hold in terms of them and his parents status to see if it helps sway any advice.

Hope you don't mind this sea of replies. BF is in no danger of getting sent back overseas because he has a green card now and is a permanent resident of US. 5 years after that, you become eligible for citizenship. I think it's been 3 or 4 years now, so he will be able to become a citizen soon and like a poster said, sponsor his parents to become citizens. Everyone is aware of this implication but I guess it's not a big deal to them?

 

[Sun-Shine]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

I'm going to venture out on a bit of a different limb here, it sounds to me like everyone in this situation is ruled by fear. Your fear is that you will not be married to BF after what you feel is a sufficient timeline, this makes you feel _______ (fill in the blank, second place, lonely, inferior, embarrassed etc). Mum and Dad Euro feel fear about an uncertain future, they are concerned with finances and housing it sounds like. By their son getting married they feel _______ (abandon, insecure, in danger etc). Now BF is also feeling fear, maybe that is disappointing the people he loves therefor misunderstood or out of control. All of that encourages all of you to say things like: If only HE would propose I would be happy, If only SHE/THEY would take the pressure off I could relax, if only OUR SON remains unmarried we will feel comfortable. Which all leads to a reaction, perhaps you up the pressure, get clingy or pout. Mum and Dad Euro manipulate. Son withdraws. Less than ideal. And its a self-perpetuating cycle. What can mmi do to make herself happy? In this scenario the only person you can control is you. Maybe if everyone sits down in a group and opens up to the fear that is keeping them locked in this cycle you will earn their blessing. This is a happy time and an important right of passage for a couple and you deserve to be surrounded by all the joy you yourselves feel at this event. I may be totally off base, but usually in these situations it is fear that holds people back. I hope this helps and I hope you all have big smiles on your faces and a ring on your finger!!

 

[peonia]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

i'm sorry to hear you're having these issues, it's difficult. you've already got some great replies here so these are just thoughts from my own experiences, for what it's worth. i'm having problems with my parents re: engagement plans. don't want to go into too much detail, but let's just say i would be grateful if i was in your SO's shoes, because his parents at least sound a lot more supportive than mine. my problems with them are also partly a culture thing.

i've seeked their approval all my life, but after a lot of heartache and tears, i came to the calm conclusion that this decision is for SO and i to make, not anyone else. although i've taken out my frustrations on SO in my weak moments, we always remain a team and i no longer let my parents and their own views affect how i feel about our relationship and decision. i think that your SO should be more than capable of standing up to them and making you a priority, and it seems he's not doing that right now, with the stalling of ring shopping etc.
if he says his parents' approval is what's holding him back, that doesn't sound like something a mature man would say.

i really hope you can work this out, i really do. just remember that saying - "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

 

[madelise]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

Thanks for replying to all my inquiries, Mmi!

I never knew about the older marriages in Europe. Nice to learn new things everyday.


I really hope things work out for you, and soon! Your SO just needs to be firm with them. That way you guys can still keep them in the loupe, but they are not allowed to be pessimistic or try to intrude or forbid anything. He is an adult. I think *HE* needs to lay down the law to them and stand up for himself. He is no longer a child, thus they can no longer forbid him from making life choices or give him timelines. The whole tuition thing would be the 'trade' though. Most of us don't have parents to even pitch in for half the tuition, so he'd basically just be going through what everyone else does. But he does need to have that conversation with the 'rents sooner or later. Otherwise you'll be having helicopter mom over for dinner everyday while she complains about how you clean the house and how you are raising the kids. (Think Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond).


ETA: Mmi, SO and I are the same exact ages as you and your SO. Is there any compromise you can come up with? Like postpone marriage to when he's halfway done with grad school? Or The only reason I'm bringing this up is because we are the same age. Only a select few of my friends and my SO's friends are married. VERY few. And we have friends that have been together for 10+ years. The whole pursuit of higher education IS pushing today's youths to marry later and start families later.. I'm in no way telling you what's right for YOU, but I'm wondering if there was any compromise? Get engaged now, but put off the wedding for a year or two? I have a set of friends who are doing that now. They got engaged last year, and won't marry until next year or so. They're waiting for one of them to finish school. They're both a little bit older, too.

 

[audball]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

From my and SO's extended families' and family friends' experience, one could be in the midst of a citizenship application after years, and still get rejected. Own a home, have children that are citizens, have a job, pay taxes.. being completely responsible citizens that are self-reliant and all.. and have to be faced with selling it all and leaving in a short period of time. OR paying lots of $$$ to re-apply by hiring immigration lawyers. I'm watching one of my closet family-friends, an aunt figure to me whose lived here for over 20 some years have to move back to Taiwan after getting rejected now the second time. It's painful for all of us around her.

I guess it's an extra reason why I am so confused for OP's situation!

I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hit a nerve. I know the process is difficult...it sounds like the OP's BF already has a greencard though so there shouldn't be any issues on that front at least.

 

[audball]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I really have no advice. I'm just uber curious as to what culture it is that a male is to marry at 30-35?? I've never heard of anything like that. I always thought all of the "old school cultures" that were carried over from other countries all had earlier marrying ages? And that "westernizing" had been the reason we're all postponing (due to pursuing higher and higher academia and saving $$$ in our current economic times) as compared to the older generations?

If they're here only temporarily, and your SO is currently on his way of becoming a citizen.. doesn't that mean he's going to be staying in the US but his parents will eventually have to go back to their home country (unless they plan on hiding out from the government)? Or can he sponsor them to also become citizens? Wouldn't him marrying you quicken the process of him becoming a citizen?

Not that I would recommend using this as an argument to move things in the direction you want them to go...

But good question madelise! I'm also curious as to what the parents future plans are in terms of where they will live. Going against them now could make your life quite difficult if, in their culture, it is customary for his parents to live with you two or something?

We have been upfront with them about the fact that we will likely have to leave the area we are currently staying to find a less saturated job market for me. I don't know what that means for them in terms of where they will live. I don't think they know either! BF thinks they will perhaps sell their house in the US and spend more of the year in their home country, but that has not been decided for sure.

Do you think that is part of your BF's issue? That he is uncertain for his parents?

 

[audball]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

I'm going to venture out on a bit of a different limb here, it sounds to me like everyone in this situation is ruled by fear. Your fear is that you will not be married to BF after what you feel is a sufficient timeline, this makes you feel _______ (fill in the blank, second place, lonely, inferior, embarrassed etc). Mum and Dad Euro feel fear about an uncertain future, they are concerned with finances and housing it sounds like. By their son getting married they feel _______ (abandon, insecure, in danger etc). Now BF is also feeling fear, maybe that is disappointing the people he loves therefor misunderstood or out of control. All of that encourages all of you to say things like: If only HE would propose I would be happy, If only SHE/THEY would take the pressure off I could relax, if only OUR SON remains unmarried we will feel comfortable. Which all leads to a reaction, perhaps you up the pressure, get clingy or pout. Mum and Dad Euro manipulate. Son withdraws. Less than ideal. And its a self-perpetuating cycle. What can mmi do to make herself happy? In this scenario the only person you can control is you. Maybe if everyone sits down in a group and opens up to the fear that is keeping them locked in this cycle you will earn their blessing. This is a happy time and an important right of passage for a couple and you deserve to be surrounded by all the joy you yourselves feel at this event. I may be totally off base, but usually in these situations it is fear that holds people back. I hope this helps and I hope you all have big smiles on your faces and a ring on your finger!!

Agreed!

 

[mmi]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

I'm going to venture out on a bit of a different limb here, it sounds to me like everyone in this situation is ruled by fear. Your fear is that you will not be married to BF after what you feel is a sufficient timeline, this makes you feel _______ (fill in the blank, second place, lonely, inferior, embarrassed etc). Mum and Dad Euro feel fear about an uncertain future, they are concerned with finances and housing it sounds like. By their son getting married they feel _______ (abandon, insecure, in danger etc). Now BF is also feeling fear, maybe that is disappointing the people he loves therefor misunderstood or out of control. All of that encourages all of you to say things like: If only HE would propose I would be happy, If only SHE/THEY would take the pressure off I could relax, if only OUR SON remains unmarried we will feel comfortable. Which all leads to a reaction, perhaps you up the pressure, get clingy or pout. Mum and Dad Euro manipulate. Son withdraws. Less than ideal. And its a self-perpetuating cycle. What can mmi do to make herself happy? In this scenario the only person you can control is you. Maybe if everyone sits down in a group and opens up to the fear that is keeping them locked in this cycle you will earn their blessing. This is a happy time and an important right of passage for a couple and you deserve to be surrounded by all the joy you yourselves feel at this event. I may be totally off base, but usually in these situations it is fear that holds people back. I hope this helps and I hope you all have big smiles on your faces and a ring on your finger!!

I think you're right. It's a viscious cycle. And I know I am not helping much because I get irrational fears (what if I was better for him, would he be more ready to marry me, etc) and... that's just not helpful to anyone. I can't help it though.

 

[mmi]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

ETA: Mmi, SO and I are the same exact ages as you and your SO. Is there any compromise you can come up with? Like postpone marriage to when he's halfway done with grad school? Or The only reason I'm bringing this up is because we are the same age. Only a select few of my friends and my SO's friends are married. VERY few. And we have friends that have been together for 10+ years. The whole pursuit of higher education IS pushing today's youths to marry later and start families later.. I'm in no way telling you what's right for YOU, but I'm wondering if there was any compromise? Get engaged now, but put off the wedding for a year or two? I have a set of friends who are doing that now. They got engaged last year, and won't marry until next year or so. They're waiting for one of them to finish school. They're both a little bit older, too.

It's interesting you bring this up. SO does still have one semester left before he graduates. However he is working full time now and that's where his focus has shifted. He needs to finish up those last few credits though because his company is paying him as if he has his master's already!

As for me, I have one year of professional school left. Plenty of classmates are getting married during the last year. Several are having babies during the last year (how does that work??). Could be a regional thing. I could never plan a 150+ person wedding while in school, but really we just want to elope and not make a big to-do. It is most likely we would get married next spring/summer because that is just how my clinical rotations schedule panned out. I don't think either of us prefer a long engagement, but hey, if that is what happens that is what happens!

 

[mmi]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I really have no advice. I'm just uber curious as to what culture it is that a male is to marry at 30-35?? I've never heard of anything like that. I always thought all of the "old school cultures" that were carried over from other countries all had earlier marrying ages? And that "westernizing" had been the reason we're all postponing (due to pursuing higher and higher academia and saving $$$ in our current economic times) as compared to the older generations?

If they're here only temporarily, and your SO is currently on his way of becoming a citizen.. doesn't that mean he's going to be staying in the US but his parents will eventually have to go back to their home country (unless they plan on hiding out from the government)? Or can he sponsor them to also become citizens? Wouldn't him marrying you quicken the process of him becoming a citizen?

Not that I would recommend using this as an argument to move things in the direction you want them to go...

But good question madelise! I'm also curious as to what the parents future plans are in terms of where they will live. Going against them now could make your life quite difficult if, in their culture, it is customary for his parents to live with you two or something?

We have been upfront with them about the fact that we will likely have to leave the area we are currently staying to find a less saturated job market for me. I don't know what that means for them in terms of where they will live. I don't think they know either! BF thinks they will perhaps sell their house in the US and spend more of the year in their home country, but that has not been decided for sure.

Do you think that is part of your BF's issue? That he is uncertain for his parents?

We talked a little more last night and he said what is really bogging him down is the lack of support from his parents, who he says have never supported his big decisions (like moving to the US). However after a few months they get completely on board with his plans. It's just how they are. I wish he didn't feel like he constantly had to please them. I feel for him. I have a very different family dynamic so I don't know what that is like. He just wants them to feel proud that he is making a good decision and for them to TELL him that for once. Mama's boy.

 

[madelise]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

ETA: Mmi, SO and I are the same exact ages as you and your SO. Is there any compromise you can come up with? Like postpone marriage to when he's halfway done with grad school? Or The only reason I'm bringing this up is because we are the same age. Only a select few of my friends and my SO's friends are married. VERY few. And we have friends that have been together for 10+ years. The whole pursuit of higher education IS pushing today's youths to marry later and start families later.. I'm in no way telling you what's right for YOU, but I'm wondering if there was any compromise? Get engaged now, but put off the wedding for a year or two? I have a set of friends who are doing that now. They got engaged last year, and won't marry until next year or so. They're waiting for one of them to finish school. They're both a little bit older, too.

It's interesting you bring this up. SO does still have one semester left before he graduates. However he is working full time now and that's where his focus has shifted. He needs to finish up those last few credits though because his company is paying him as if he has his master's already!

As for me, I have one year of professional school left. Plenty of classmates are getting married during the last year. Several are having babies during the last year (how does that work??). Could be a regional thing. I could never plan a 150+ person wedding while in school, but really we just want to elope and not make a big to-do. It is most likely we would get married next spring/summer because that is just how my clinical rotations schedule panned out. I don't think either of us prefer a long engagement, but hey, if that is what happens that is what happens!

Time passes quickly, mmi. That's the good thing (and bad)! Eloping is my wish, too, but I know it can't happen. It seems like you're a very resilient person from all your replies, so I know you'll do amazing with coping if it does drag on longer. Your SO is lucky that you're so supportive and understanding, even if the family dynamic is off from what you're used to. I hope he knows that! And now that you've mentioned he's European, I can understand why they think a 3k diamond is ! They don't really do big diamonds there, and e-rings aren't even a common practice in most areas. I do wish you all the luck in dealing with his parents for the rest of your life, though. If you keep giving into momma's wishes, you'll always have to deal with momma!

He's so lucky to be paid at a graduate level when he hasn't yet finished! And your own classmates.. I can never figure out how one can be going through morning sickness AND studying for exams! H-E-double hockey sticks NO will I ever be pregnant in school! I can barely crawl out of bed to make it on time for classes NOW without being pregnant! Haha! ESPECIALLY since your field does clinical rotations! That's exhausting to do on its own without a big ol' belly knocking everything down, lol! I give those ladies lots of props for pulling it off.. It's definitely not what everyone can handle.



(Aud, no offense was taken at all! You're silly! I was just trying to explain why I felt it was so awkward. Heck, I figured if I was the parent, I'd rather him marry sooner than later, if only for the practical reasons! Heck, we're currently trying to figure out what's going to happen to one of that aunt's daughters.. She wasn't born here, so she'll have to marry her BF sooner than later. And she's barely 20? 21? But we figured, since they're going to marry anyway, and she's going to be living with him anyway, she might as well do it now so at least she can stay. They've been together since HS as well, so it's not some sort of whirlwind romance or rushed thing.)