Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws, etc

[Sun-Shine]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

I'm going to venture out on a bit of a different limb here, it sounds to me like everyone in this situation is ruled by fear. Your fear is that you will not be married to BF after what you feel is a sufficient timeline, this makes you feel _______ (fill in the blank, second place, lonely, inferior, embarrassed etc). Mum and Dad Euro feel fear about an uncertain future, they are concerned with finances and housing it sounds like. By their son getting married they feel _______ (abandon, insecure, in danger etc). Now BF is also feeling fear, maybe that is disappointing the people he loves therefor misunderstood or out of control. All of that encourages all of you to say things like: If only HE would propose I would be happy, If only SHE/THEY would take the pressure off I could relax, if only OUR SON remains unmarried we will feel comfortable. Which all leads to a reaction, perhaps you up the pressure, get clingy or pout. Mum and Dad Euro manipulate. Son withdraws. Less than ideal. And its a self-perpetuating cycle. What can mmi do to make herself happy? In this scenario the only person you can control is you. Maybe if everyone sits down in a group and opens up to the fear that is keeping them locked in this cycle you will earn their blessing. This is a happy time and an important right of passage for a couple and you deserve to be surrounded by all the joy you yourselves feel at this event. I may be totally off base, but usually in these situations it is fear that holds people back. I hope this helps and I hope you all have big smiles on your faces and a ring on your finger!!

I think you're right. It's a viscious cycle. And I know I am not helping much because I get irrational fears (what if I was better for him, would he be more ready to marry me, etc) and... that's just not helpful to anyone. I can't help it though.

You are a deserving woman .... There is something that BF fell in love with 7 years ago, and still loves today. Is there any chance you could say to him, "I feel hurt/rejected when you put the opinions of your parents before what I believed to be our plan as a couple. It causes me to behave in a way that is unsustainable for our relationship. Maybe we could set aside some time this weekend when we are both calm, and we can sit down and discuss what our future holds" then choose a time and put it in both your day-timers. Decide before you meet what is acceptable to you, respect his pain and fears, and lovingly discuss your desires. Be prepared to hear what you may not want to hear, but be thankful for his honesty. Then (and here's the kicker) respect each others wishes. There is almost always a compromise to be found, and it sounds hopeful that you two can come out win-win!

 

[audball]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

(Aud, no offense was taken at all! You're silly! I was just trying to explain why I felt it was so awkward. Heck, I figured if I was the parent, I'd rather him marry sooner than later, if only for the practical reasons! Heck, we're currently trying to figure out what's going to happen to one of that aunt's daughters.. She wasn't born here, so she'll have to marry her BF sooner than later. And she's barely 20? 21? But we figured, since they're going to marry anyway, and she's going to be living with him anyway, she might as well do it now so at least she can stay. They've been together since HS as well, so it's not some sort of whirlwind romance or rushed thing.)

Good! Phew! I definitely didn't mean it in a bad way!

 

[audball]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

ETA: Mmi, SO and I are the same exact ages as you and your SO. Is there any compromise you can come up with? Like postpone marriage to when he's halfway done with grad school? Or The only reason I'm bringing this up is because we are the same age. Only a select few of my friends and my SO's friends are married. VERY few. And we have friends that have been together for 10+ years. The whole pursuit of higher education IS pushing today's youths to marry later and start families later.. I'm in no way telling you what's right for YOU, but I'm wondering if there was any compromise? Get engaged now, but put off the wedding for a year or two? I have a set of friends who are doing that now. They got engaged last year, and won't marry until next year or so. They're waiting for one of them to finish school. They're both a little bit older, too.

It's interesting you bring this up. SO does still have one semester left before he graduates. However he is working full time now and that's where his focus has shifted. He needs to finish up those last few credits though because his company is paying him as if he has his master's already!

As for me, I have one year of professional school left. Plenty of classmates are getting married during the last year. Several are having babies during the last year (how does that work??). Could be a regional thing. I could never plan a 150+ person wedding while in school, but really we just want to elope and not make a big to-do. It is most likely we would get married next spring/summer because that is just how my clinical rotations schedule panned out. I don't think either of us prefer a long engagement, but hey, if that is what happens that is what happens!

I couldn't either! But I know several friends who have done it. I guess it's all about priorities. I did note that those who did didn't get as good of grades as they usually do during the planning time, particular the semester of the actual wedding. And being pregnant? Forget about it! I CANNOT imagine.

 

[audball]

Re: Hey Ladies. Advice please... cold feet, future in-laws,

I'm going to venture out on a bit of a different limb here, it sounds to me like everyone in this situation is ruled by fear. Your fear is that you will not be married to BF after what you feel is a sufficient timeline, this makes you feel _______ (fill in the blank, second place, lonely, inferior, embarrassed etc). Mum and Dad Euro feel fear about an uncertain future, they are concerned with finances and housing it sounds like. By their son getting married they feel _______ (abandon, insecure, in danger etc). Now BF is also feeling fear, maybe that is disappointing the people he loves therefor misunderstood or out of control. All of that encourages all of you to say things like: If only HE would propose I would be happy, If only SHE/THEY would take the pressure off I could relax, if only OUR SON remains unmarried we will feel comfortable. Which all leads to a reaction, perhaps you up the pressure, get clingy or pout. Mum and Dad Euro manipulate. Son withdraws. Less than ideal. And its a self-perpetuating cycle. What can mmi do to make herself happy? In this scenario the only person you can control is you. Maybe if everyone sits down in a group and opens up to the fear that is keeping them locked in this cycle you will earn their blessing. This is a happy time and an important right of passage for a couple and you deserve to be surrounded by all the joy you yourselves feel at this event. I may be totally off base, but usually in these situations it is fear that holds people back. I hope this helps and I hope you all have big smiles on your faces and a ring on your finger!!

I think you're right. It's a viscious cycle. And I know I am not helping much because I get irrational fears (what if I was better for him, would he be more ready to marry me, etc) and... that's just not helpful to anyone. I can't help it though.

You are a deserving woman .... There is something that BF fell in love with 7 years ago, and still loves today. Is there any chance you could say to him, "I feel hurt/rejected when you put the opinions of your parents before what I believed to be our plan as a couple. It causes me to behave in a way that is unsustainable for our relationship. Maybe we could set aside some time this weekend when we are both calm, and we can sit down and discuss what our future holds" then choose a time and put it in both your day-timers. Decide before you meet what is acceptable to you, respect his pain and fears, and lovingly discuss your desires. Be prepared to hear what you may not want to hear, but be thankful for his honesty. Then (and here's the kicker) respect each others wishes. There is almost always a compromise to be found, and it sounds hopeful that you two can come out win-win!

Well said SS!