His parent and ME! - Help

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/23/2008 6:27:54 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
Also, you mentioned that you are only 20 and he is 27 and you''ve been dating for 4 years? Doesn''t that mean when you were 16 that he was 23 and isn''t that well...a bit illegal? Im sorry but I had to say it. I can''t believe a 23 year old would go for a teenager...ok I said it.

It was 2 weeks before my 17 birthday. Yes there is an age gap but it has never been a problem to most people. We took the best part of a year just hanging out with each other and we fell for each other and that''s that! It has been 3 years of serious committed dating. It''s not illegal. At least not from where I am from (Sydney Australia)

 

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/24/2008 12:34:43 AM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 11/23/2008 6:27:54 PM

OP, you are 20, and 20 is SO YOUNG! (and yes, young people hate to hear that

) You really need to slow down and take a deep breath. I agree with whoever said that the parents are being very generous to let you stay. My SO is not allowed to sleep on the same floor as me when he stays at my parents house to visit, let alone the same bed! Stop having sleepovers and pull back until he decides to stand up for you and your relationship. If he moves out, then great. If not, at least it will be a clear message.

Well that is why I have stopped going over all together.

 

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/24/2008 12:34:28 AM
Author: havernell



I''ll second someone else''s question- have you ever had an adult relationship with anyone else? You really don''t have to take this grief from someone who seems unwilling to treat you as an equal partner. Relationships shouldn''t have to be this hard. You deserve better.


I''m sure reading some of the comments on this thread are not easy or fun, but just know that we are all just trying to help you gain a little perspective on your situation. None of us want to see you hurting like you are. It''s just not right.

No I haven''t had another serious relationship with another man. But I have had my fair share of fun with boys.

He does want to treat me like an equal. He himself doesn''t know how to deal with his parents. When he put his foot down and said he wouldn''t be leaving me to pick up his mother, look what happened he was physically assaulted!!!!!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

sorry lass, i wasnt sure if you were from the US or not. 17 and under is a minor in the US and that is why it seemed strange to a lot of us that he would want to date someone that young. You may have had your share of fun with other boys but sometimes that really isn''t enough... imho, this relationship still has a lot of distance to go before you guys should even be thinking about engagement...

 

[lasscreative]

I don''t know what to say! I am still confused.

Do I go back to the house? Do I spend time with these people?

I really don''t want to but. I have always felt uncomfortable and unwelcome there.

I love my partner soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!!! He is soooooooo kind to me. We speak nicely to each other, always uplifting and there to help. We think the world of each other. I am not going to say he is perfect (because no one is) but he is pretty darn close.

Between Me and Him we don''t have any real fights that would cause major problems. The only problem we face is trying to do something about his parents. He is 27 and never rebelled against them so this is a shock for them. But I don''t understand what they expect. Did they honestly believe that their son would stay home and live with the mother forever, never leave her side??? I don''t know how she can believe that her kids will still be there to drive her to work and wherever once they have moved out.

Don''t they realise that they grow up they find ppl they love and want to start their own family with and that you are no longer their number one priority????

I know things for me and him will get a TONNNE better when we live together! But I am not delusional! This problem will still be lurking!!! I will have kids with this man! and they will want to be involved.

Do I give up the man I my dreams because I can not stand his family???? I am not willing to stop having a relationship with my partner. Our relationship is great. What is not great is his relationship with them and my relationship with them. I know it will never change.

Its such a shame! I always envisioned dating someone, where I would be invited over for a big gathering of people at his house and have a bbq and meet his other relatives and have a good old social time! But they just don''t do anything like that... at all!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would love to receive a nice thoughtful wedding present from them that symbolises me joining their family and welcoming me. But I know that won''t happen. If I get anything at all it will probably be some washing detergent!!!

ARghhhhhhhhhhhhh I know you marry the family.

So do I give up the love my life because I can not stand his parents and their lack of social ability?

Cause I really don''t think I can give my boyfriend up. Not anytime soon.

 

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/24/2008 1:50:36 AM
Author: Smurfysmiles
sorry lass, i wasnt sure if you were from the US or not. 17 and under is a minor in the US and that is why it seemed strange to a lot of us that he would want to date someone that young. You may have had your share of fun with other boys but sometimes that really isn''t enough... imho, this relationship still has a lot of distance to go before you guys should even be thinking about engagement...

That''s not a problem at all!

 

[FrekeChild]

Ok. This is meant in the kindest way possible, but you are not his number one priority. Until you come first in his life, which means him standing up to his parents, you will not be as important to him as they are. The ring he''s kind of bought? Sounds to me like it''s a half @$$ way of getting you off his back for a while. The choosing his parents over you? Means that he''s not ready to put you at #1.

I understand there are different cultures and norms within those cultures, but it sounds to me like you both are too far apart in what you expect from your families. This is never going to stop as long as his family is around. And he may expect you to be the same way towards your children once you have them.

I also think that at age 20, and this being your only real boyfriend, as well as what everyone else has said, and my above mentioned items, that neither of you are ready for that kind of commitment.

Also, if he does feel like he has to choose between you and his family (which is kind of what you''re doing) he''s going to resent you for that. Resentment is never a good thing in a relationship because is festers forever, and can make a relationship implode.

He''s not ready. Period. Otherwise he would have done it already. And it doesn''t really sound like it''s forthcoming either.

I suggest you think long and hard about if you want to marry this family. Because you wouldn''t just be marrying him.

 

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/24/2008 2:23:59 AM
Author: FrekeChild
Ok. This is meant in the kindest way possible, but you are not his number one priority. Until you come first in his life, which means him standing up to his parents, you will not be as important to him as they are. The ring he's kind of bought? Sounds to me like it's a half @$$ way of getting you off his back for a while. The choosing his parents over you? Means that he's not ready to put you at #1.


I understand there are different cultures and norms within those cultures, but it sounds to me like you both are too far apart in what you expect from your families. This is never going to stop as long as his family is around. And he may expect you to be the same way towards your children once you have them.


I also think that at age 20, and this being your only real boyfriend, as well as what everyone else has said, and my above mentioned items, that neither of you are ready for that kind of commitment.


Also, if he does feel like he has to choose between you and his family (which is kind of what you're doing) he's going to resent you for that. Resentment is never a good thing in a relationship because is festers forever, and can make a relationship implode.


He's not ready. Period. Otherwise he would have done it already. And it doesn't really sound like it's forthcoming either.


I suggest you think long and hard about if you want to marry this family. Because you wouldn't just be marrying him.

He doesn't resent me in the slightest. He is soooooo thankful that I came along and cheered up his unhappy life being stuck at home and antisocial with his parents. He thanks me every day for making a crack in his shell. He still breaking out (he is extremely shy) He has never known anything else until he met me. And he has come aaaaaaa hellll of a long way!!!! He has made leaps and bounds... that was until daddy dearest decided he would go back to old abusive dad.

That's where it started to crumble a bit. I don't go to his house and he doesn't know how far he can put his foot down with his parents.


I don't think you have to go out and have more then one boyfriend before getting married! If you have found the one then you have found the one!

 

[FrekeChild]

I''m not talking about him resenting you now, I''m sure he doesn''t. But if you try to come between him and his parents at any point in the future, then odds are, some resentment will build. He''s shown that he feels a tremendous amount of loyalty to his parents, and that you aren''t as important to him as they are. That''s what he did when his mother called him and he had to leave your party.

If I were you, I wouldn''t be able to stand it. I''m incredibly loyal to my parents, but when I made that commitment in my mind that FF was it for me, he became number 1. My parents are closely behind him, but he is my family now. I''m afraid that you won''t ever get that distinction.

And I think that if you can''t cut the apron strings at 27...it''s getting a bit late. If you''re still in the same place in three years, I think it''s time to move on. Probably past time to move on.

But you''re young. You have a lot of life ahead of you. I hope that you keep that in mind.

I wish you luck. I''m sorry that you have to deal with this. I hope that it works out in your favor. Whichever way that might end up being.

 

[havernell]

Date: 11/24/2008 2:33:09 AM
Author: lasscreative

He is soooooo thankful that I came along and cheered up his unhappy life being stuck at home and antisocial with his parents...
He has made leaps and bounds... that was until daddy dearest decided he would go back to old abusive dad.

I think this is where a lot of us are confused. He isn't stuck at home- he's CHOOSING to stay at home, even after his Dad physically abused him. Is it worth it to him to put up with physical abuse and to never have his girlfriend come over just to save a few bucks in rent? It just doesn't seem to make sense...

 

[Smurfysmiles]

and you keep saying how much you''ve done for him (and i don''t doubt you''ve done a lot), but what has he done for you besides get you wrapped up in this whole crazy mess? it is overly apparent that he doesn''t put you first, ditto to freke about giving it 3 years at the MOST

 

[lasscreative]

Date: 11/24/2008 3:12:22 AM
Author: Smurfysmiles
and you keep saying how much you''ve done for him (and i don''t doubt you''ve done a lot), but what has he done for you besides get you wrapped up in this whole crazy mess? it is overly apparent that he doesn''t put you first, ditto to freke about giving it 3 years at the MOST

He took me overseas in April, Paris, London and Barcelona. It cost me about $700. He happily took up the tab on the rest. Early on in our relationship he had sooooo much trust that he lent me 15k to buy a car (I don''t how much that gets you in the U.S but that got me a decent second hand car) because I was a student with a temp job, no bank would lend to me. My parents were not in a position to help me out. So he gave his 19 year old gf the loan to which I have nearly paid off. (but I have acquired a nasty addiction to colour gemstones!! I must have got it from you guys!!!

)

My boyfriend is not rolling in it either just to add. He works hard and is dedicated to his job.

He is always there to support me when I get stressed with my studies. He sits and brainstorms with me, when he is not a design type.

He wants me to succeed as well and he will help every part he can! He got me all the programmes that I need for my course and this year he also bought me a 24" iMac (these things are ridiculously expensive here)

He doesn''t just buy my stuff to shut me up! It is not like that at all. I didn''t nag for any of these things. He certainly doesn''t buy my clothes our haircuts.

 

[Rhea]

Love isn''t enough. It really isn''t. He may love you sooooooo much, and do soooooooo much for you, and may be sooooooo up lifting and kind, as he should be, but it''s not enough. He is showing you, through his actions that he''s not ready to move, he''s not ready to be engaged, and he''s not ready to get married. Until he can do more than love you and take you on nice holidays (and you can do more for him) then you''re simply not ready. No amount of pushing, begging, and pleading is going to get him there.

 

[Steel]

Date: 11/24/2008 5:54:16 AM
Author: Addy
Love isn''t enough. It really isn''t. He may love you sooooooo much, and do soooooooo much for you, and may be sooooooo up lifting and kind, as he should be, but it''s not enough. He is showing you, through his actions that he''s not ready to move, he''s not ready to be engaged, and he''s not ready to get married. Until he can do more than love you and take you on nice holidays (and you can do more for him) then you''re simply not ready. No amount of pushing, begging, and pleading is going to get him there.

+1

 

[sba771]

Did you see the Sex and The City Movie? There is a line towards the end that your latest post made me think of something Samantha says (sorry for my paraphrase) but she says "well Smith stayed with me through chemo" when she was saying she felt obligated to stay in the relationship. Those things he did for you were very kind, but you don''t owe him anything in return (aside from paying off the direct loan) because you do those things when you are in a relationship. You do those things because you care and love, but sometimes that just isn''t enough, but those things should not be justification for staying in something that isn''t healthy. I have no doubt you love him, but love isn''t enough to make something work and people and families don''t change. He already has shown you where you fall in the hierarchy by his actions. You will always come second and your family will too and you will just continue to be angry and frustrated and it will only escalate. You are so young and you do have so much ahead of you I would suggest you explore that world and enjoy yourself for a while. If it is meant to be then maybe after time apart if he has made the necessary changes in his life to make you work as a couple and put you first then great! but if not you need to put your ultimate happiness as most important and honestly, you don''t sound very happy with what is going on. I don''t mean to sound harsh, but I also don''t want you to feel second best all the time and be stuck in a situation that is not healthy. Good luck!

 

[sammyj]

I have read all of the posts in this thread and I''m sorry you''re going through this, lasscreative. There are so many thoughts running through my head but I don''t think I''ll articulate them as well as some of the other PSers.

First, just as sba said, people and families don''t change. From reading your posts, it does sound like you''re asking you partner to choose between you and his family. Like many have said, this won''t work in your favour. It''s obvious by your descriptions that he maintains a high degree of loyalty...whether he is happy or not in his situation. Cutting apron strings is one thing, but it sounds like you want him to cut all ties. You''ve alluded to the fact that don''t want them at your wedding, as guests at your future home, or as grandparents to you children. It''s not fair to your partner or his parents in spite of the fact that you don''t like their personalities or their social skills.

I also agree with trillionaire. My BF and I are not allowed to sleep in the same room when we visit his parents. One time after a late night out, his mom found us fully clothed sleeping on the floor and she flipped on him. I for one, would never sleep naked in my BF''s parent''s home. It''s a matter of respect to his parents and my own personal privacy.

Reading through your recent posts, I feel like you''re very defensive of your relationship and your partner...which isn''t necessarily a bad thing because you believe in your relationship. At the same time, it seems like you''re not hearing/absorbing what everyone''s trying to tell you. I strongly recommend you go back and re-read everything and see if you come out with a different perspective.

btw, when you listed all of the wonderful things your BF bought for you, my first thought was, wouldn''t you rather he save his money to: 1) buy your ring or 2) put a downpayment on a home so he could move out!?

 

[LoveRoundBrillants]

Ok so i have read all these posts and a million thoughts are going through my head, but one thing i think i must say is...TALK TO YOUR SO.
Tell him these things bother you, tell him how upset you are, and explain to him why. Tell him you know this your family that you love dearly and that you too want to be apart of his family but it can''t continue like this. Also i agree with others on this post that maybe you are looking at it a little differently. Just because you were''t raised this way doesnt make it "right" or "wrong" just different. Also FREKECHILD i think is right. You need to be #1 in his eyes and until then you wont get the respect of his family. His family knows that he wont take your side and thats something that you need to talk to him about.

Speaking from his side (not that i know him or much about about him), but i do have a lot of friends from Croatia and bordering countries. Their kids do a lot for their parents. They feel that it is owed to them because of the life they were given as a child. This is very very common part of their culture. Any help that they can do, they will. My own friends do this as well, and too an outsider it might seem like being a "mamma''s boy" but its very much something they grew up knowing. Not to say this isnt hard for your SO and can get quite annoying to your SO and you.

Your first step is to talk to him...and you pulling away from his family i dont think helps your situation with them. I mean they are your future inlaws right??

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/24/2008 3:46:53 AM
Author: lasscreative

Date: 11/24/2008 3:12:22 AM

Author: Smurfysmiles

and you keep saying how much you''ve done for him (and i don''t doubt you''ve done a lot), but what has he done for you besides get you wrapped up in this whole crazy mess? it is overly apparent that he doesn''t put you first, ditto to freke about giving it 3 years at the MOST

He took me overseas in April, Paris, London and Barcelona. It cost me about $700. He happily took up the tab on the rest. Early on in our relationship he had sooooo much trust that he lent me 15k to buy a car (I don''t how much that gets you in the U.S but that got me a decent second hand car) because I was a student with a temp job, no bank would lend to me. My parents were not in a position to help me out. So he gave his 19 year old gf the loan to which I have nearly paid off. (but I have acquired a nasty addiction to colour gemstones!! I must have got it from you guys!!!

)


My boyfriend is not rolling in it either just to add. He works hard and is dedicated to his job.


He is always there to support me when I get stressed with my studies. He sits and brainstorms with me, when he is not a design type.


He wants me to succeed as well and he will help every part he can! He got me all the programmes that I need for my course and this year he also bought me a 24'' iMac (these things are ridiculously expensive here)


He doesn''t just buy my stuff to shut me up! It is not like that at all. I didn''t nag for any of these things. He certainly doesn''t buy my clothes our haircuts.

So mostly what he does is buy you things? When he claims that he wants to save for a house so he can move out from his parents house? Honey, it''s time to move on.

 

[girlie-girl]

How does YOUR family feel about this situation? Have you shared these concerns with them? Are they telling you that you shouldn''t be limiting yourself to the FIRST serious boyfriend you''ve ever had?

Sorry, but I too feel like you''re making excuses for your bf and his behavior. If you''re the FIRST person your bf has ever been with, how does HE know you''re the right one? I honestly think both of you are trying to force the other into some idealistic role and neither of you appear to be ready for it. Why doesn''t your bf move into the other house and take care of it etc. and have his father move back in with his mother so he can take care of her? There are plenty of options out there, it just appears your bf isn''t willing to explore any of them.

Are you sure this man is ''soooooo'' wonderful and perfect for you? I can feel you loathing his parents (and him) in your posts. Just look at how many exclamation points and question marks you''re using at the end of your sentences. I''m sorry but it''s like you are here throwing a temper tantrum. You say you''ve had your fair share of fun with lots of boys prior to hooking up with your bf and maybe that''s the problem. You need to date MEN and explore serious relationships with men, not boys. Sounds to me like you''re still with a boy. I cannot believe a 27 year old would make the excuses he''s making and allow his parents to carry all the blame. Put the blame where it lies... squarely on your bf''s shoulders. Your relationship is not ''great'' or he wouldn''t be subjecting you to this nonsense.

I also think you are being extremely disrespectful sleeping naked in his parents'' house and staying there four nights a week for free and then complaining of how they run their household. I think you really need to take a step back from this situation and take a good hard look at everything you''ve described. This is NOT a healthy relationship. I don''t foresee it changing. Moving out and/or getting married to this boy will NOT change how he is with his parents. In fact, I''m willing to bet that if you weren''t throwing a fit, he''d be just fine with how things are... think about that for a while.

I''m not trying to be rude or hurtful so please accept my apologies if I have been. What I am trying to do is to get you to see this situation for what it is. If it were me, I''d end the relationship and be done. It''s seriously going nowhere quickly.

Either way, I wish you luck but most of all I wish you''d look at this relationship with open eyes.

 

[Pandora II]

The Italians have a phrase: "Moglie e buoi dei paesi tuoi". Basically translates as "Get your wives and cows from your own country".

Cross-cultural relationships can work - but it takes a lot more effort and understanding and compromise than a relationship with someone from your own background will.

I lived in Italy for 8 years and dated a number of Italians. The last one was 33 when I met him and still living at home with his parents (he was an only child as well) - he also worked for the family business so we are talking serious apron-string problems. After a week of dating - and having to listen to him compalain about his mother getting angry about his room being tidy I gave him an ultimatum: If you want to date me, get out of your parents house as I haven't lived with mine for over 10 years and I'm not putting up with crap from someone elses.

Despite having very little money, he was out of that house in under a week (his mother took me out for dinner as a thank you as well

).

The relationship ultimately didn't last, but I did leave him with the apron strings well and truly cut. I moved back to the UK partly because I realised I wanted to marry a man from my own culture and bring our future children up with traditions that were familiar to me. Think very carefully about what having children would mean for you and your SO - how will you feel about granny and grandpa wanting a good share of influence?

I'm very protective of "my space" and I have married a man who feels the same. We are going to have a load of trouble when our first child arrives in May with FIL who is going to want to see the child at least once a month (4 hours drive each way from us). However, we are planning on setting boundaries VERY early on. We see them about 2/3 times a year at the moment and that is not going to change.

If I had married a man who didn't feel this way it would be a HUGE issue for us. Don't get me wrong, I really like his parents and I really like my parents, but I don't need to see them all the time. My husband is number one in my life and I'm number one in his.

I'm going to be brutally honest here and say that I'm just not seeing him making you number one. If he was, he would be desperate to move out and set some boundaries - the row with his dad should have cemented that feeling not crumbled it.

I'm sure he is wonderful to you and loves you - but he doesn't love you the way that a man who is wanting to marry a woman should.

If a man truly WANTS to get engaged/live with/marry a woman, NOTHING will stop them from doing that. If they are making lame excuses about rent money and having to buy a house first then they don't love her enough.

The last thing you should do is buy a house with this guy anyway. He's got a heck of a lot to prove to you before you should even think about engagement.

My advice would be to call everything off and see what happens. Maybe it will help him grow some cojones - he's certainly lacking them right now.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Okay, I am not going to read the other posts on this page...but I am going to give you the absolute best advice I can think of...

First of all, he''s 27 and still living at home, and you''re shocked he''s still being treated like a child with parental demands? Personally, I think he''s being treated exactly how he should be treated given the fact that he has this "failure to launch" thing going on right now. He needs to put on his big boy pants and stake claim to a place of his own, then prehaps he''ll stop being treated like a personal driver and more like an adult.

Secondly, put some clothing on! You''re a guest in their home...and you''re feeling "put out" because they walked into the room where you happen to be sleeping ... and you''re naked? Jeeeezzzzz. You need to remember, no matter how long you''ve been dating or how comfortable you may feel, you need to behave with class and not put yourself into position that are potentially uncomfortable. If you''re sleeping there, pack some pajamas...or, better yet, don''t sleep there. See? Problem solved.

I''ve had ongoing issues with my "ins" ... but when you''re going to complain you need to also take some responsibility in the fact that there are two sides to every issue.

 

[ckrickett]

I personally think you need to step back from this relationship. He is MORE that an adult and he COULD move out, but has an excuse (a valid one, but YOU have valid reasons why he should move out too). He doesn't put you first, and that is HUGE. If you guys were only together a few months and weren't entertaining the thought of getting married that would be ok, but you have been together for years and are talking about buying a house and getting married and that is where he needs to step up, and if he doesn't you need to STEP OUT. What happens when you guys live together on your own will he still be his mom's personal driver, YES. The strings go everywhere and he doesn't have the damn balls to make it stop. Yes he mentioned it but after the talk and when his dad assaulted him he should have packed his bags went to a hotel and seriously looked for an apartment. He needs to step up and I truly believe you need to give him a damn good reason to. Take a break. Maybe not forever but see what happens when you are out of the picture, if he makes promises like "I'll move out" or "I'll take a stand and put you first" . DO NOT take him back until he has fulfilled his promises! It's to easy for guys to say things to get a woman to stay and then just pooof forget them.

This is gonna be tough on you, but you need to SERIOUSLY look at it, he is not being a man, not doing his duty and you deserve to be treated with respect. He isn't treating you with respect by letting his parents ignore you, walk into his room when you're there (naked) andletting his mom disrespect you. That is HIS family and HIS resposibility, and if he can't man up then you need to leave.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

Date: 11/24/2008 9:29:59 AM
Author: girlie-girl
How does YOUR family feel about this situation? Have you shared these concerns with them? Are they telling you that you shouldn''t be limiting yourself to the FIRST serious boyfriend you''ve ever had?

Sorry, but I too feel like you''re making excuses for your bf and his behavior. If you''re the FIRST person your bf has ever been with, how does HE know you''re the right one? I honestly think both of you are trying to force the other into some idealistic role and neither of you appear to be ready for it. Why doesn''t your bf move into the other house and take care of it etc. and have his father move back in with his mother so he can take care of her? There are plenty of options out there, it just appears your bf isn''t willing to explore any of them.

Good idea! Why isn''t this an option? If its not possible, he needs to stop buying you things and put some money into moving out NOW. I''m also interested to hear what your family has to say about all of this...

 

[Bliss]

Lass, I feel for you!

Like the other posters, I have to agree that your wonderful man isn't putting you #1 on his list of priorities in life. But I also think that's because he feels powerless to do otherwise. His parents have probably hammered into his head that without them, he's nothing. It sounds like they have reared him to be their 24/7 servant. It's hard to rewire that kind of programming. It's been 27 years of brainwashing from those he has trusted the most. It has to be very very hard for him and I'm sure he feels conflicted more and more into manhood. I'm sure they really do love each other and that the bond comes from a good place. But it really creates a ton of drama and pain for him, them and you. He is clearly someone who cares and will go above and beyond for a loved one. That's a good start, right?

I think things can definitely change. But it's going to take a lot out of you. You'll suffer in the process and some innocent part of you, can't be grown back when you go through really hard times. Even so, you will also be stronger for it. He needs help from a loving and strong anchor. It sounds like he is starting to see that his parents are in the wrong. Children are not slaves. They are independent human beings who have a right to happiness and life, too. His parents are old, they have had a chance to live their lives. They need to stop stealing life away from their son. They are probably not bad people, but are blinded by their own needs.

I wish you the very best. You sound very strong and independent and that is what your partner needs! I feel like it will indeed be a battle but you can safely pull him or guide him to the other shore. Freedom and a happy life. That doesn't mean you never have to see his parents again. But things do have to be drastically different. Remind him that cutting the apron strings doesn't mean that they can't love and support each other. But this way is more sustainable without the eruption of drama coming from constant resentments, you know?

Good luck!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/23/2008 9:56:55 PM
Author: katamari
I honestly would not expect to not get treated like anything but children so long as you are living with parents (and this would go for any couple). Sounds to me like an apartment for at least one of you should become top priority over any ring or wedding.


I also think you are overlooking how hospitable they are being. My parents would not have let my BF stay at our house even one night when I was 20. And, they certainly wouldn't have let him stay 4 nights a week. Sleeping in the same bed would have been unthinkable. It also sounds like you weren't offering them any kind of rent or assistance, either. Sounds to me like they are terribly accepting of you.

Ditto. As long as you're under their roof, you live by their rules. End of story. As some others have said, it sounds like his priorities are to stay home with his family, not start a family with you. You're still extremely young; not sure how much more of my life I'd give him in your place.

 

[SparklyLibra]

Date: 11/24/2008 8:35:23 AM
Author: sammyj


I have read all of the posts in this thread and I''m sorry you''re going through this, lasscreative. There are so many thoughts running through my head but I don''t think I''ll articulate them as well as some of the other PSers.


First, just as sba said, people and families don''t change. From reading your posts, it does sound like you''re asking you partner to choose between you and his family. Like many have said, this won''t work in your favour. It''s obvious by your descriptions that he maintains a high degree of loyalty...whether he is happy or not in his situation. Cutting apron strings is one thing, but it sounds like you want him to cut all ties. You''ve alluded to the fact that don''t want them at your wedding, as guests at your future home, or as grandparents to you children. It''s not fair to your partner or his parents in spite of the fact that you don''t like their personalities or their social skills.


I also agree with trillionaire. My BF and I are not allowed to sleep in the same room when we visit his parents. One time after a late night out, his mom found us fully clothed sleeping on the floor and she flipped on him. I for one, would never sleep naked in my BF''s parent''s home. It''s a matter of respect to his parents and my own personal privacy.


Reading through your recent posts, I feel like you''re very defensive of your relationship and your partner...which isn''t necessarily a bad thing because you believe in your relationship. At the same time, it seems like you''re not hearing/absorbing what everyone''s trying to tell you. I strongly recommend you go back and re-read everything and see if you come out with a different perspective.


btw, when you listed all of the wonderful things your BF bought for you, my first thought was, wouldn''t you rather he save his money to: 1) buy your ring or 2) put a downpayment on a home so he could move out!?

I have to agree with SammyJ 1000% on this point! It almost sounds as if he is just doing his best to pacify both you and his parents because he has no idea how to say "No" to either of you. I don''t know how he fares with his peers when it comes to standing for himself, but it does say and awful lot that in the two main relationships that should matter to a man his age he is not able to give a FIRM answer as to where he wants to spend the rest of his days: either with you or them.... That would scream volumes to me if I were looking to join my life and have children with someone. It seems he has a lot of growing up to do PERIOD. I will also say that it does seem like the way he was brought up is probably the root cause of his lack of ability to stand up for what he wants, better yet even be able to determine what he wants for himself and go for after it. Sometimes our parents can cripple us instead of preparing us to be independent. But there should come a time when a man or woman in that situation begins to see how green the grass is on the other side of the white picket fence, and actually WANT to have their own legacy, and go after that. Until he comes to that realization on his own, he will be in no condition to marry anybody in my opinion. I also have to say that you should want more than that for yourself. Yes it''s hard because you love him, but love is not always enough. You deserve someone whose love for you and desire to be with you is so strong and compelling that he is making moves to set up a life for the both of you to share.

HTH

~SL.

 

[SparklyLibra]

Date: 11/24/2008 2:33:09 AM
Author: lasscreative

Date: 11/24/2008 2:23:59 AM

Author: FrekeChild

Ok. This is meant in the kindest way possible, but you are not his number one priority. Until you come first in his life, which means him standing up to his parents, you will not be as important to him as they are. The ring he''s kind of bought? Sounds to me like it''s a half @$$ way of getting you off his back for a while. The choosing his parents over you? Means that he''s not ready to put you at #1.



I understand there are different cultures and norms within those cultures, but it sounds to me like you both are too far apart in what you expect from your families. This is never going to stop as long as his family is around. And he may expect you to be the same way towards your children once you have them.



I also think that at age 20, and this being your only real boyfriend, as well as what everyone else has said, and my above mentioned items, that neither of you are ready for that kind of commitment.



Also, if he does feel like he has to choose between you and his family (which is kind of what you''re doing) he''s going to resent you for that. Resentment is never a good thing in a relationship because is festers forever, and can make a relationship implode.



He''s not ready. Period. Otherwise he would have done it already. And it doesn''t really sound like it''s forthcoming either.



I suggest you think long and hard about if you want to marry this family. Because you wouldn''t just be marrying him.

He doesn''t resent me in the slightest. He is soooooo thankful that I came along and cheered up his unhappy life being stuck at home and antisocial with his parents. He thanks me every day for making a crack in his shell. He still breaking out (he is extremely shy) He has never known anything else until he met me. And he has come aaaaaaa hellll of a long way!!!! He has made leaps and bounds... that was until daddy dearest decided he would go back to old abusive dad.


That''s where it started to crumble a bit. I don''t go to his house and he doesn''t know how far he can put his foot down with his parents.



I don''t think you have to go out and have more then one boyfriend before getting married! If you have found the one then you have found the one!

He is soooo thankful that YOU came along and saved him from his (own) unhappiness???

Honey, I really think this is not a healthy way to start of ANY relationship. Yes sometimes love can come along and brighten your perspective on things, but I thought that people need to work on their OWN happiness before they go and yoke themselves up with anyone else, especially in marriage. It really bothers me that he is dependent on others to make him happy. It just comes across as a little co-dependent to me and you may find yourself forever being his only beacon of light in life. I''m not saying it can''t work, but I think he needs to get some professional help before hitching himself up with anyone, it''s simply not fair to the other person. He may eventually drain you dry if you become his only source of strength, happines, inspiration. It just seems a little sanguine. I would proceed with caution if I were in your shoes....

~SL.

 

[fieryred33143]

1. Her asking you inappropriate questions may just be a communication barrier. And given that you say “she doesn’t even bother to learn English” tells me you aren’t really trying to meet her half way. If he’s going to be your forever, there’s nothing stopping you from learning a few words here and there to make her feel a little more comfortable as well.

2. You were naked. In their house. Not in his room. In their house. I lived with FI and his parents for 8 months and the only time I was ever naked was when I was taking a shower. I wouldn’t even get “intimate” in their home. It’s disrespectful…at least to me but that may be a cultural thing.

3. If there’s no room in his home then you need to stay elsewhere. Period. You are a guest in their house and yes they should respect your space. But obviously in their home there are no boundaries so you need to stay somewhere else. Again, not to compare you to me because that’s not the point but when I lived with them, I didn’t close the door. The only time the door closed was at night when I would sleep and they had no problem with me closing the door either. I just felt it was rude. Your BF’s family is an “open” family. It is what it is. Don’t like it, stay somewhere else.

4. As for the driving, that’s his mom. If he feels the need to take care of her then he’s going to. That doesn’t make him a bad man. But not a lot of women can handle their man taking care of their parent’s home (I wouldn’t be able to) and if you can’t, then maybe this man and his family are not the right fit for you. Food for thought.

I can go on and on but I just feel that they are disrespecting him and his boundaries that’s his problem to fix. It has nothing to do with you. And if he hasn’t fixed it at age 27, he’s not going to do it any time soon. In the meantime, I feel you are disrespecting them. Again this may be because of my culture but the minute I read naked in their house

.

 

[choro72]

I come from a very conservative traditional culture, and I''ve dated a guy that while may not be as extreme as your case, we parted ways for the very reason that he always put his parents first.

A man may treat you like a queen and buy tons of things for you. From what you wrote though, there is a condition to that treatment and the condition is "as long as his parents are not around/calling/waiting/in his mind/having a bad day with a hangnail. That does not work.

To answer some of your questions,

Did they honestly believe that their son would stay home and live with the mother forever, never leave her side??? I don''t know how she can believe that her kids will still be there to drive her to work and wherever once they have moved out.
Yes, they believe so, this IS what''s going to happen, and they will not allow anything else to happen.

Don''t they realise that they grow up they find ppl they love and want to start their own family with and that you are no longer their number one priority????
I will be straight forward with this. You are the one that has to realize that this is not going to happen.

Let me explain. There are two ways that this relationship can work. One is if your SO clearly tells them "My family is lass now. You are going to have to drive by yourself from now on, we are living on our own, and all of my decisions and actions are going to be based around lass and me.". SO has to say this and stick to it.
The second way is to accept the fact that in your SO''s mind, his parents are going to be right next to you in terms of importance. Maybe even higher. You are going to have to live with it.

Judging from the fact that SO got beaten up when he tried option no. 1 and from his subsequent actions, it''s going to be option 2. Moving away from his parents is not going to solve the problem. You two need to move really far, need to tell them that they cannot come unannounced, both of you need to show them what is their business and what isn''t, and you two need to work as a team on this. Do you think that''s going to happen? I doubt it.

Bottom line is, SO needs to show that you two and only you two are the definition of "his team", and he hasn''t shown that to you nor his parents.
I personally decided that option one is the only way I can be happy, so I pursued option 1. I found it, and so can you.

This is probably uncalled for, but looking at your reaction to some of his parent''s comments (i.e. "What''s in your bag?" "Lemme show you how to cook an egg"), I suggest some more time to yourself to realize that there need to be some backing off on your part as well. I''ll probably be thrown rotten tomatoes for this...*ducks*

 

[IrishEyes08]

Ok, I only read lasscreative's posts, no other responses, but here is my take.

Your BF is making his choice. And it is his parents. My BF is also Croatian (born there, lives here now), and I know how tight Croatian families are, however if your BF wanted to establish his independence he has certainly had the opportunity to do so.

How is it going to be in 5, 10, 15 years? When you're married? When you have children? Unless R is willing to take a very strong, hard stance with his parents this is going to continue for decades. I think you need to really evaluate this situation and ask yourself, can you live with these people and their relationship with R for the rest of your life?