Holiday card etiquette while separated

[Imdanny]

How do you think that should work?

A quick story- my brother and his wife of three years have a two year old daughter, and separated last year.

I found a card from her in my mailbox this year with her return address on it (my brother moved out of the house). Inside was a picture of her and my niece and the card was signed "Love, Her mother's name, her name".

It was as if my brother didn't exist. It kind of shocked me in an unpleasant way, but I can't put my finger on why.

I ignored it. That's what I'm going to do, but is there such a thing as "etiquette" regarding others' family when separated (or divorced)?

 

[zoebartlett]

I have friends that are in the same situation and during the holidays, we got a card from one of them (my girl friend, not her husband) and her kids. That seemed appropriate to me. To me, it wouldn't make sense for my friend's husband to be included on the card because of the separation. The husband never sends holiday cards, but if he did and I got one from just him, that would seem appropriate, too.

 

[Lottie]

Is it possible that she is trying to leave the door as open as possible for your niece and any contact you might want to have with her? Obviously it depends on what your relationship with her was like before the divorce and if you got on well with her, but maybe she is just trying to keep things as normal as possible for the daughter.

As far as etiquette goes, I think things like this are too much of an emotional minefield for there to be a set rule for all but I would have expected the holiday cards for your side of the family to come from your brother and niece, and the cards for her side to come from her and your niece.

Edited as I wasn't making sense.

 

[Amys Bling]

Is it possible that she is trying to leave the door as open as possible for your niece and any contact you might want to have with her? Obviously it depends on what your relationship with her was like before the divorce and if you got on well with her, but maybe she is just trying to keep things as normal as possible for the daughter.

As far as etiquette goes, I think things like this are too much of an emotional minefield for there to be a set rule for all but I would have expected the holiday cards for your side of the family to come from your brother and niece, and the cards for her side to come from her and your niece.

Edited as I wasn't making sense.

ditto. It would have been strange if the card came from the three if them considering they have split- since you are family To the daughter she prob wanted to include you...


Maybe this is her way of encouraging a relationship between yourself and your Bruce?

 

[Haven]

Is it possible that she is trying to leave the door as open as possible for your niece and any contact you might want to have with her? Obviously it depends on what your relationship with her was like before the divorce and if you got on well with her, but maybe she is just trying to keep things as normal as possible for the daughter.

As far as etiquette goes, I think things like this are too much of an emotional minefield for there to be a set rule for all but I would have expected the holiday cards for your side of the family to come from your brother and niece, and the cards for her side to come from her and your niece.

Edited as I wasn't making sense.

I agree with Lottie.

I'm sorry your brother and his family are going through this right now.

As for etiquette, I think the most gracious thing on your part is to be overly forgiving of your loved ones when they are going through a particularly difficult time.

I'd be proud of her that she was able to get the cards out at all, considering she probably feels like her life is spiraling out of control at the moment. I don't know if you've ever seen a divorce up close and personal (I hope you haven't) but they are messy, and they are hard. So hard.

I have sisters, so I know it can be very difficult to be anything other than protective of your sibling in this situation, but really, this is a wonderful sign that your SIL is concerned with keeping a good relationship with you, and it's probably for the sake of their child. That is wonderful, IMO.

Hugs to you and your family. I bet your niece needs you more than ever right now.

 

[Rhea]

Seperated or not, the child is still your niece. I imagine that she was trying to keep things normal for the child, and perhaps for herself. I think the polite thing to do is to follow your brother's and sister-in-law's ques for this type of thing.

My aunt-in-law and uncle seperated a couple of years ago. My mother's sisters all remained polite with the aunt-in-law while my grandmother became quite rude and told aunt-in-law exactly what she thought of her. When the couple worked things out and got back together a year later the sisters were all still on polite and friendly terms with aunt-in-law and her children from a previous relationship. The aunt-in-law and her children however did not forget how terrible my grandmother was during the seperation.

It's not an easy situation for any involved, but best not to burn bridges.

 

[maplefemme]

Is it possible that she is trying to leave the door as open as possible for your niece and any contact you might want to have with her? Obviously it depends on what your relationship with her was like before the divorce and if you got on well with her, but maybe she is just trying to keep things as normal as possible for the daughter.

As far as etiquette goes, I think things like this are too much of an emotional minefield for there to be a set rule for all but I would have expected the holiday cards for your side of the family to come from your brother and niece, and the cards for her side to come from her and your niece.

Edited as I wasn't making sense.

I agree with Lottie.

I'm sorry your brother and his family are going through this right now.

As for etiquette, I think the most gracious thing on your part is to be overly forgiving of your loved ones when they are going through a particularly difficult time.

I'd be proud of her that she was able to get the cards out at all, considering she probably feels like her life is spiraling out of control at the moment. I don't know if you've ever seen a divorce up close and personal (I hope you haven't) but they are messy, and they are hard. So hard.

I have sisters, so I know it can be very difficult to be anything other than protective of your sibling in this situation, but really, this is a wonderful sign that your SIL is concerned with keeping a good relationship with you, and it's probably for the sake of their child. That is wonderful, IMO.

Hugs to you and your family. I bet your niece needs you more than ever right now.

I agree with Haven and Lottie (and the others)

I understand your gut reaction and would say its quite normal. I know nothing of your Sister in law, her personality or the nature of the seperation or how she is handling it. But whatever the situation I know it's traumatic all round, especially with children involved.
The reality is that you are bound to this woman on some level, for life, due to your Niece. There will be social situations later where you'll be in her company. If your relationship has been good all along, it's best to try and keep it that way, especially as she seems to be holding out an olive branch your way. Trust me, her sending the card was no easy feat, it was thought out.
Unless she's a vicious person by nature, unless she's in the midst of throwing your Brother under the bus, I'd try to be gracious. Divorces, even amicable ones, are painful, both for the two people involved and for families and friends of both parties.
I know with my own divorce, our families and friends had a hard time, between loyalties and emotions.
I know he's your Brother and you are being protective, but it doesn't make her the enemy, just a very unfortunate situation that you try to make the best of.

Good luck and best wishes to you all...

Edited for spelling atrocities

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Was it a greeting/holiday card? If so, it's common practice for greeting cards to be household-based. As your brother has his own household post-split, he would also send out holiday cards from him and his daughter without needing to mention the ex-wife.

That said, if it was an announcement and correspondence on specific behalf of the daughter (like a graduation ceremony or wedding), the best wording includes both parents. Such announcements are considered family-based, and are ideally treated as such even in light of divorce.

Was it something like a first communion announcement, or more like a Valentine's Day card?

 

[movie zombie]

personally, i think it was a nice gesture.
leaves the door open should "things work out between them" but more importantly lets you know that she is open to your continuing a relationship with her child. your choice whether you do so, of course.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

I think it was a lovely gesture that she thought to send a card to her child's uncle, regardless of her separation. As for not including your brother, I think she was again right. She is separated from him and they aren't a unit anymore. It would be very odd and rather wrong for her to sign a card as though from him. I think she is handling her separation with as much class and grace as possible.

The reason the card shocked you, I think, is that we often accept a fact rationally before we dealt with it emotionally. So, while you know your brother has separated, emotionally it hasn't sunk in. The card is a concrete thing that reflects the separation and your emotions aren't dealing with it that well it.

 

[monarch64]

I think she did it for your niece, which is actually a very unselfish thing to do. When I divorced, I didn't ever send a card to any of my formers again, but I did not have children with my ex-husband. If I HAD, I would've made the effort for the kids' sake no matter how much it might have pained me. I think your SIL is being more respectful to your brother than anything even if she doesn't make mention of him. It just depends on how you choose to see it. If you expect negative things from people, well, that's what you'll get. Choose to see it in a positive light, you might end up much more at peace with the situation.

 

[Imdanny]

Was it a greeting/holiday card? If so, it's common practice for greeting cards to be household-based. As your brother has his own household post-split, he would also send out holiday cards from him and his daughter without needing to mention the ex-wife.

That said, if it was an announcement and correspondence on specific behalf of the daughter (like a graduation ceremony or wedding), the best wording includes both parents. Such announcements are considered family-based, and are ideally treated as such even in light of divorce.

Was it something like a first communion announcement, or more like a Valentine's Day card?

Christmas.

Urg. This is a hard situation. I hear what you're all saying, and I accept it. I'm sure it's a nice gesture, and it means she's amenable to me having a relationship with her daughter, etc.

I would like to clarify something, there's been no decision about divorcing as far as I know.

However, I'm pretty certain that's what she has in mind. She married my brother because she wanted to get married and have children, then she did it, three years later she decided the most beautiful thing in the world is being by yourself. Of course, she's not by herself. She has my brother, who shares custody and pays child support. She has her mother. She has my mother. I don't think had the first clue what a lifetime commitment meant when when she married. However, again, I have to accept their decision, and, yes, I wasn't as ready to focus on this as I thought.

My brother had a head injury from a car accident when he was sixteen. He was in a coma for six months. Then he was in a rehabilitation hospital for six more. We've been proud of him for many reasons. He finished high school. He has a job at the community college working for the maintenance department. He's full time, has health insurance, sick days, etc. He got married, bought a house, and had a daughter. I met her when they came to Hawaii for their honeymoon, BTW.

The last time I talked to him he was very upset about the possibility of her wanted to divorce.

Oops, I got ahead of my story.

So she got a lawyer and told him he could use her lawyer. And he believed her. My father had to talk him into getting his own, who promptly found all kinds of things wrong with the paperwork her lawyer drew up. She wanted him to get an apartment. I don't know why. He refused this, thankfully, and he's living with our parents. I don't know what their arrangement is. I don't really care. I just knew, like he did, that he couldn't afford to get an apartment, and pay for their house, their child, his (used) car, etc.

They had a couple disagreements, and that was it- three years, a child, a marriage, a wedding ceremony my elderly grandfather came from Florida to New York for, a honeymoon in Hawaii, the whole nine yards, and her first thought was through the marriage under the bus. Seriously? After three years? With a child? And without trying?

So, yes, he's my brother, and, yes, I feel loyalty toward him. I see his side of things, and personally I agree with him. I think the above mentioned is plain silly, and he says if they divorce, it was a waste of time, and the truth is- she could leave my life as easily as she came into it, and I wouldn't care BUT they have this child, and she and I are kind of destined to be in each other lives forever.

I think the card reminded me of her goal of being by herself, even though she isn't, even though she won't ever have to be.

Please be assured, though, that she and I have never said one cross word to each other, and I have no plan on burning any bridges! You don't "answer" a Christmas card, so there's not a lot for me to do. I guess on my niece's birthday, I can can send her a card, and I can send it to her mother's house, and that's nice.

 

[Enerchi]

Oh Danny, Thats such a hard situation for your family. Separations and divorces don't just involve the immediate married participants - it does affect everyone else in the family and a loss is a loss is a loss. Its the end of something and it's hard to all the family to adjust.

I have no advice other than stay close with your family. (phone/email because I know you are Hawaii and they are NY state) This is when everyone needs each other - especially your mom who is probably suffering extra with concern for her granddaughter, her son and your dad's injury! Poor mom... And that poor little girl, lost in the mix, no fault of her own wondering what just happened to the rest of my family?

Hang in there... Your character and values will pull you thru this in good standing. Good wishes sent to you thru the miles!!!

 

[Imdanny]

Good wishes sent to you thru the miles!!!

Right back at ya.

 

[Amys Bling]

I think the only thing you can be is supportive of your brother- cordial to his (possibly future EX-wife), and loving and present for your neice. You don't have to go out to dinner with the ex- but having outward animosity towards her will only hurt your neice in the end. And if they work things out- they tension betwen your brother's family and yourself.

I have never gone through this and I am sure it pains you to see your brother in this position. I think just being amicable to her- and loving to your brother and neice is the only thing you can do. Hugs to you and your family.

 

[lulu]

I know how you feel, Danny. Even though I divorced people for a living, my brother's divorce was emotionally exhausting for me. I was shocked at how hard I took it and how angry I was with my sister-in-law. And I worried about their kids every day even after it was final.

I can't say what her actual intentions were, but looking from the outside in it was actually a nice gesture.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think it was a lovely gesture that she thought to send a card to her child's uncle, regardless of her separation. As for not including your brother, I think she was again right. She is separated from him and they aren't a unit anymore. It would be very odd and rather wrong for her to sign a card as though from him. I think she is handling her separation with as much class and grace as possible.

The reason the card shocked you, I think, is that we often accept a fact rationally before we dealt with it emotionally. So, while you know your brother has separated, emotionally it hasn't sunk in. The card is a concrete thing that reflects the separation and your emotions aren't dealing with it that well it.

I agree. Why would she include your brother's name/photo if they are no longer together? She is keeping the door open for *you* to have a relationship with your niece. I think that is very kind of her.

 

[allycat0303]

Danny,

I think that your having an emotional gut reaction to her Christmas card because you love your brother. Its very difficult to understand people's motivations, or relationships (for that matter), but I think she's trying to make do the best she can with what's going on. All you can do is be a supportive sibling. From first hand experience, I think siblings cab disappoint and hurt you just as much as your children.

 

[junebug17]

I can see why you'd be a bit taken aback by the card Danny - sounds like this separation is fairly recent and you're still trying to adjust emotionally to the situation. And you are concerned and protective of your brother. I can see how it would be a little confusing to you. But I guess the card was your sil's way of keeping you in contact with your niece, which is a good thing. It doesn't seem like she had any ill intent in sending the card. So sorry about all of this, it's very hard to see a loved one get hurt and go through such a rough time.

 

[Imdanny]

Thanks so much, everyone. I think this is one of the rare time when I didn't really know what to expect from people's reactions but you'vee as a group given me kind of a reality check and some food for thought. My mom, of course, has to deal with my brother, my SIL, and the baby everyday! It's not like a should be complaining. It just freaked me out a little, but I have to accept this, I guess, because I doubt they're going reconcile, and my SIL is doing the best thing by her daughter and by me by reaching out to me. It doesn't warm my heart, her card, if I'm being honest, but I have to look at it in a different way. I feel so bad for my brother, but I guess we've pretty much all had relationship that didn't work out. It's just that when you have a wedding (and such a beautiful wedding) you don't want it to come crashing down, especially in such a short amount of time. I'm rambling so I'll be quiet. I got this card well after Christmas. I have plenty of time to think about reciprocating the gesture. I think I should because they are family, and I think I'll be ready to by then.

 

[junebug17]

Danny, I just wanted to clarify a little - I didn't mean to imply by my post that I think you're "wrong" to feel the way you do - I think it's very understandable that the card didn't warm your heart - to be honest I wouldn't feel too warm and fuzzy about it either! My point was just that I don't think she meant anything bad by sending the card.

I'm impressed by your last post Danny - you're being honest about your feelings, but you're also trying to figure out ways to come to terms with the situation - which you will, it just takes time. Hugs to you, I know this is a very emotional thing!

 

[Imdanny]

junebug17, thanks for your clarification and kind words. Hugs!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Your reaction is valid, I think most people would feel like that!

But I think a little reassessment like you seem to be doing, seeing it as a positive gesture... that is a good thing too. Perhaps look at it as a card from your niece only?

If I was your SIL I would have sent a card just from the neice anyways, but maybe she didnt really know what to do.

 

[kenny]

Do whatever feels right to you.
Others will do the same.

Results will vary.
That's okay. (read my sig line)