Hope for advice

[mirre]

Hello all LIW! I suppose I am mostly here to just get things off my mind but any advice or input would be appreciated.

Next month I will have been with my BF for a year. For New Year''s we went out of town and he had mentioned wanting to get married and said he was upset that I never mentioned it or talked about it. My response was that I didn''t know why I didn''t talk about it but I did want to just not while I was in school (I graduate college May 200. It had nothing to do with him, it was just all personal preference that I not get married until after I was finished with school. So soon after that I began talking with friends about it and getting ideas but not speaking with him about it. I went to a Bridal Fair with a good friend of mine but kept it secret from BF to be kind of a surprise. He had said something about me never thinking about it at one point and I told him that I had been thinking about it and when he asked how much or when I told him Fall 2008 because I would be finished with school and fall is my favorite time of year. One day he had either mentioned me going somewhere with her and keeping it from him or he mentioned me not ever talking about the marriage thing and I went to get all of my stuff I picked up that day to show him... from then on I would mention it occasionally and give him ideas and get ideas from him. And he talked with me about it some, one day he just asked if when he proposed I would want people around or not, I told him I''d rather not have a bunch of people around I''d rather it just be us, he said "Ok I have an idea of when I want to do it" and left it at that. And after looking for stuff he got to where he didn''t talk about it anymore. So I gave up hope and slowly started to not look for any ideas anymore. Then a couple weeks ago in a phone conversation with my mom then 20 min later with a good friend both out of the blue asked when we were getting married... again I started looking at ideas but haven''t mentioned it to him in fear that I would be "pushy". I feel like he''s forgotten or something... What is going on?!?... I have given him ideas of a ring... and money is tight so I''m thinking that''s what the hold up is... because I''m pretty sure I''ve told him that whatever ring he gives me I want it to be the one I''ll have forever (not that there is anything wrong with upgrading it just isn''t for me, replacing a wedding set or e-ring 10 years down the road will not be MY original e-ring or wedding set, even if it is an ENORMOUS diamond... it could never take the place of the original) so maybe he''s thinking he''ll wait until he has enough to get what he knows I''ll like instead of a "meantime" ring? Thanks to all for letting me rant!

 

[musey]

I get a little ADD when reading big "chunk" posts, so you'll have to forgive me if I missed something along the way... but here is my understanding:

-You've been with your boyfriend ~1 year, and you are about 20/21? 22? (I assume since you're about to graduate college-undergrad? graduate?)

-He started talking marriage 2-3 months into the relationship (last December/January), and wondered why you hadn't yet

-You then started thinking about it, going to bridal shows, etc. (when?) and hinted about a ring (when was this? how long ago?)

-He hasn't mentioned it since then (this is why I'm asking how long ago, for perspective on how long he's "not been mentioning it") so you're wondering what his hold up is.


Is all that right? Just double-checking, I don't want to post based on something I may have mis-read in your post. Question: is this a first "serious" relationship for either of you?

ETA: In light of recent heated threads on the LIW board, I should also ask WHAT kind of advice you're looking for: "hang in there, it'll happen!" -or- "I'll be blunt: ________" ?

 

[mirre]

Yes I am 22 will be 23 in Dec. Bridal show was in Feb. ( I had begun thinking about it aroudn the same time he had I just didn''t talk out loud about it).

Around mid to end March told him ideas of what kind of ring I would want, changed my mind from a three stone to a single center with side stones.

Moved in with him in May.

May and June looked at bridal magazines to get ideas and even asked his opinions on a couple things.

I figured since he was upset that I hadn''t been talking about it that if I started showing that I was actually interested in the idea that would help. So I''m wondering if maybe he was just wanting to know that I was thinking of the idea and we were on the same page but maybe I went into information overload? Haha

We''ve talked about trying to get a house soon after I graduate.

What kind of advice do I want? Well, even though I''d like to know honestly what people think... very "Quite frankly" or very "Blunt" honesty scares me... so I guess sugar coated version?

 

[miss_flo]

I think I read the same thing as you Musey.

ETA: Never mind, I wrote a little too early. Thanks mirre, I'll respond in a separate reply.

 

[mirre]

Hmm.. Perhaps you are right. Sorry about that.

I guess maybe I''m beginning to see myself wonder if he''ll ever do it since he talked about it then hasn''t mentioned it for quite some time... or if maybe I''m just being too paranoid and should lay off the looking at ideas for rings and be happy with where I''m at?

 

[miss_flo]

Perhaps he thinks he may have rushed pushing for the wedding so early. The one year mark usually brings a new sense of clarity, and with that comes the realization that oh-my-god-most-people-date-for-several-years-before-marriage and why-are-we-rushing-it? If you''re already planning to buy a home, then you''re both not going anywhere and he knows that. It''s totally okay to slow down after that initial frenzy of falling in love.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/27/2007 2:11:40 PM
Author: mirre
Hmm.. Perhaps you are right. Sorry about that.

I guess maybe I''m beginning to see myself wonder if he''ll ever do it since he talked about it then hasn''t mentioned it for quite some time... or if maybe I''m just being too paranoid and should lay off the looking at ideas for rings and be happy with where I''m at?

You are young and haven''t been in the relationship that long. I wouldn''t be paranoid just yet. Sounds like it will happen.

And don''t lay off looking at rings. It''s fun to look! Just don''t beat him over the head with it.

Oh...and it''s always a good idea to be happy where you''re at (which is not to be confused with complacent).

 

[miss_flo]

Aww trust me the addiction to looking at rings doesn''t really ever leave.

I''d say mentally and emotionally, yes, it''s probably a good idea to slow down and reevaluate all the planning...but it doesn''t hurt to look at gown and rings and mentally prepare yourself for a proposal. Big hugs girlie

 

[mirre]

Thank you both!

 

[mirre]

You''re all so sweet! I''m glad I posted.

 

[musey]

Okay, here's my sugar-coated version

(I think that having people clarify what kind of advice they want could really help tension around here! Even though there's VERY little to begin with)

His first broach of the subject was VERY early in your relationship, during the "honeymoon period" (which you probably are still in, or nearing the end of). With that said, there could be many different things going on here, not necessarily mutually exclusive.

(1) It's possible that he was caught up in emotion when first bringing it up, and wasn't necessarily thinking in the immediate future. Just that he was falling in love with you and liked the way marriage sounded.

(2) He's giving the relationship time to simmer. You moved in pretty recently, maybe he wants to see how things go for awhile before locking in the relationship.

(4) He's already in process of picking out and purchasing a ring. This is generally not a quick, easy trip to Tiffany's, especially if he's really putting time and effort into research.


Of course there are more possibilities, but you get the idea.

...

I am exactly your age, so I won't give you the whole "you're young, why rush" thing (even though it's true, I just don't feel I have a right given my also-youngness, lol

).

I will say though, that after about 6 months with FI I thought I was ready to be engaged. About a year after that (1.5 years in) I thought "wow, I can't believe I was thinking marriage already. It would be really smart to wait things out and see if we're really right for each other." One year after that, we were DONE with the honeymoon phase, and still very happy together, and that's when we moved in together (at 2.5 years).

A few months later, when living together was going amazingly well, we had talked about everything we could possibly think of when it came to marriage/kids/finances, etc. etc.... THEN I really felt ready. I wasn't doubting his actions anymore, or wondering what he was thinking, etc. because we talked about it all (and what's to wonder about when you can talk about anything? If I wonder, I ask!). We started talking rings about one year ago, and we were engaged four months later. It's been seven months since then, and we've been together over 3.5 years.


Sooo, I guess the moral of my incredibly long-winded story is that, early in the relationship it's very easy to get caught up in the emotions of truly loving this person, possibly the first person you've ever considered marrying. When marriage is a hot topic so early on, the problem that arises is that while all the love/emotion is there, the solid comfort that comes with a LONG-term relationship is perhaps not quite developed yet. So you don't feel comfortable enough to ask him what's going on in his head.

Had you already been dating for 2, 3, 4 etc. years, you wouldn't have to ask US what he's thinking--you'd just ask him.

Do you know what I mean?


Anyway, take the pieces of that that actually make sense to you and apply to your situation, because of course not all of it will. My "advice" (if you can call it that) is based on SUCH limited information that it won't all be accurate to your case. Feel free to add more details so we can zero in on you more

 

[musey]

I keep meaning to get better about brevity. TGal and miss_flo got at my points in less than 10 sentences each, and it took me a novel

Good grief. Sorry, mirre!!

 

[decodelighted]

Okay ... this is way out of left field & not necessarily what''s going on in this case but ...

Some guys assume we ladies are lining up to marry them. The "how come you haven''t talked about it??" after just a couple months seems more indicative of insecurity than "true love" IMHO. Bringing it up as in "I feel" this way or that way is one thing. Being annoyed or upset or concerned that you''re not CHOMPING at the bit to get all hitched up with him ... unusual.

Could it be a game? Like ... he''s hooked you now. NOW you''re interested. NOW you''re planning & he''s not so interested anymore. Planning his next emotional conquest? This type of gamesmenship is NOT unheard of amongst young fellas.

But, like I said ... I have no idea whether its the case here ... but it''s something I''d mention to a real life girlfriend if she told me of a similar scenario. Especially if the guy was early 20s ...

 

[mirre]

Thanks Musey (sorry if misspelled... not the best at that)!

No "insiteful" details yet come to mind but if they do I''ll be sure to add them.

 

[mirre]

Musey don''t worry about the "novel" I am completely sorry for my LONG initial post... I didn''t realize it was so long.

To the last poster (sorry I can''t remember the name

) I''m not sure it''s that (I''m not sure it''s not that either) but he just turned 29 so I don''t think it''s the early twenties game.

I know I know... big age difference... I was a little hesitant about the age thing at first but you can''t help certain things... feelings for another person... that''s one of those.

 

[musey]

REALLY interesting points, Deco. I hadn't thought of that. I know a couple of guys who have played that game w/ friends of mine

How old is your boyfriend, mirre? *EDIT* I see he's 29. Hmm. Well, to me that explains a little bit why he asked about marriage so early. That's apparently the "ready" age for a lot of guys, when they're really out looking for a future wife.

In that case, I would be a little less surprised if he is actually looking for a ring now. But I would caution you about these on-a-mission-for-a-wife types of guys, some of them don't look before they leap (a non-friend of mine recently broke off her engagement with such a guy... he broke up w/ his 8-year girlfriend, met my acquaintance, proposed to her in less than a year and a year after that they called it off).

It's always best to take your time, and wait until it really feels completely right.

 

[mirre]

So I think I''ve figured this thing out...

I shouldn''t be worried...

I can still look and get excited about planning little things and details (such as rings!) and enjoy each step as we get to it...

I think the main reason I was worried was the timeline I was going by (that I was hoping for this time next year) and I shouldn''t be going by that, and that by him saying that he basically had a general idea of when he would want to do it I jump to conclusions and automatically assumed ASAP and really it doesn''t mean any time in general just that he knows maybe when and I don''t!

 

[musey]

That sounds like a good plan to me! You''re being really level-headed about it. You guys will be just fine

Enjoy that empty finger while you have it!!!

 

[bee*]

I totally agree with Musey.I remember when D and I were going out a few months and declaring our undying love and saying how we can''t wait to be married to each other. It was definitely the honeymoon phase for us. Now 8 years later we are definitely ready (it doesn''t have to take that long

-we just wanted to get college out of the way and get settled in jobs etc). If you don''t feel comfortable sitting down and talking to him about this, then I wouldn''t get engaged yet. Have you talked about kids, finances and other long term things? If not, then bring it up with him. Is there any way you can sit him down and ask him what he''s thinking and when he thinks he''s going to do it?

 

[mirre]

I don''t know about talking about when he''s going to do it (unless it was like within the next year or in 2008, etc.) because I want to be surprised... haha... this coming from the one who is going crazy trying to figure out when!

Other than mentioning that there will be kids we haven''t really talked about that part of it.

Maybe by me saying I don''t want to be a married college student he''s thinking it''s best not to seem like he''s pressuring or something.

 

[bee*]

Date: 9/27/2007 3:32:24 PM
Author: mirre
I don''t know about talking about when he''s going to do it (unless it was like within the next year or in 2008, etc.) because I want to be surprised... haha... this coming from the one who is going crazy trying to figure out when!


Other than mentioning that there will be kids we haven''t really talked about that part of it.


Maybe by me saying I don''t want to be a married college student he''s thinking it''s best not to seem like he''s pressuring or something.

Oh yeah, I don''t mean ask him what date etc he''s going to do it, but more in a general way as in next year, the year after...
I just think if you''re going to make a lifetime commitment to someone, you should be able to talk about the future before you get engaged.

 

[Independent Gal]

Yup, sounds like you''re on the right track!

Buuuut, you really, really need to have those serious talks: not just THAT there will be kids but how many? when? will they be raised religiously? will they go to public or private schools? etc... and then money stuff... what are your financial goals together? does he want to spend while he''s young while you want to save save save for retirement?

All this stuff. The stuff that leads to divorce if you''re not on the same page. Talk. It. Out. Now. Before you get engaged. If you come up against an irreconcilable, it''s better to know now.

 

[robbie3982]

I''m willing to be that he already knows how and when he''ll propose and has stopped talking about it to keep it a surprise.

 

[musey]

Date: 9/27/2007 4:10:56 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Yup, sounds like you''re on the right track!

Buuuut, you really, really need to have those serious talks: not just THAT there will be kids but how many? when? will they be raised religiously? will they go to public or private schools? etc... and then money stuff... what are your financial goals together? does he want to spend while he''s young while you want to save save save for retirement?

All this stuff. The stuff that leads to divorce if you''re not on the same page. Talk. It. Out. Now. Before you get engaged. If you come up against an irreconcilable, it''s better to know now.

AMEN, IG! I like to think that PSers are single-handedly saving future marriages on the LIW board

haha

 

[lovelee]

Oh my gosh, we''re almost in the same shoes. I started dating my boyfriend when I was 22 and he was 29.
I''m now 25. (He''s 32 for the mathematically challenged.)
Well, after a few weeks of dating he tells me that he thinks I might be the "one."
I, of course, look at him like he''s insane. I should have run, but I didn''t.

The point is, around 30 is definitely the age when guys start thinking ''marriage.''

Anyways, long story short, we are now in the middle of shopping for diamonds and talking to jewelers to do my setting.
But back to you, I do think it''s a good idea to date a few years before getting engaged.
I know that it took about two years for us to really get to know each other.

Okay, that said, I think once guys have a path established, they don''t find it necessary to talk it to death, you know?
In a man''s head he''s thinking, "okay, we''re getting engaged when I get the ring and ask her." That''s it.
It''s not "okay, I have to tell her every little detail of the process of saving up for and buying her a ring, and planning a great proposal."

That''s just what I think. I dunno.

I bet you''d be surprised if you knew all the planning that was going on under all that silence.

 

[mirre]

Thank you all so much! We have talked about a few financial things but more in the lines of generalities not necessarily technical aspects if that makes sense.

I''ve noticed on here that many of the LIW are going to the jewelers and "shopping" for the ring with their BFs. How exactly is that working? I mean is it just for him to get ideas of what the GF wants then it''s up to him to actually decide WHEN to go back and purchase it and give it to her?

 

[mimzy]

Date: 9/28/2007 1:48:22 PM
Author: mirre
Thank you all so much! We have talked about a few financial things but more in the lines of generalities not necessarily technical aspects if that makes sense.


I''ve noticed on here that many of the LIW are going to the jewelers and ''shopping'' for the ring with their BFs. How exactly is that working? I mean is it just for him to get ideas of what the GF wants then it''s up to him to actually decide WHEN to go back and purchase it and give it to her?

hi mirre and welcome

yep, most couples here go to look at rings together to see what they both like (although i think the majority of people on here are getting their rings from online vendors and just go to jewelers to get ideas). If your boy isn''t very opinionated about rings (a lot of guys on here tend to push for a RB when the girl wants something else), then you can probably go look with a friend or something to see what kind of ring you like (which is HIGHLY recommended....a lot of girls LOVE a style of ring until they try it on, or HATE something but then love it on their finger). It really depends on the couple as to how much involvement the girl has...it can range anywhere from just dropping hints about what you like to actually picking out the stone and setting with their man. Some guys want a lot of input from their girlfriends....some don''t. so it is really up to the individuals involved!

 

[bubbly1126]

I agree with robbie3982. I am also willing to bet that he's backed off talking about it because he already knows how and when he'll do it and wants it to remain a surprise. Especially since he stated "Ok I have an idea of when I want to do it" and since then hasn't really spoken anymore about it.

I wouldn't worry. If it's meant to be then it will be!

 

[bee*]

Date: 9/28/2007 1:48:22 PM
Author: mirre

I''ve noticed on here that many of the LIW are going to the jewelers and ''shopping'' for the ring with their BFs. How exactly is that working? I mean is it just for him to get ideas of what the GF wants then it''s up to him to actually decide WHEN to go back and purchase it and give it to her?

It really depends. Some people go to show their boyfriends what they like and want in a ring and to give him some ideas. And others, like me, went shopping with their bf''s and picked the exact ring they wanted. It''s whatever you feel happy with. I loved picking out my ring with my bf-it was a great experience and I got the ring of my dreams.