Hotel Room Dilemma With BF''s Family

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/3/2008 2:44:52 PM
Author: PostIt
I see it more as you should respect the FMIL''s wishes just as it were her house, since they are the hosts for the weekend.

Ya see ... but as a *guest* I have a choice whether to be HOSTED or not. We''re talking about free adult humans. People can make their own choices about where to sleep. Being a "host" doesn''t make someone boss of the world -- if they are a GOOD host, they''d be concerned about things like people''s personal comfort levels. But they are NOT behaving like good, considerate hosts IMHO. And accepting an invitation to a WEDDING & RECEPTION isn''t the same as turning over control of your accommodations & personal space for an entire WEEKEND. OVER THE TOP! Totally!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/3/2008 2:44:52 PM
Author: PostIt

Date: 6/3/2008 1:46:35 PM

Author: gwendolyn
I can definitely see that side of things, but there's just this VERY loud voice in the back of my head shouting, 'It nobody's business but ours!' I don't think it's about the 'hook up' as much as it is about two adults living as a unit, instead of being separated due to someone else's wishes because of someone else's value judgments and beliefs.

I see it more as you should respect the FMIL's wishes just as it were her house, since they are the hosts for the weekend.

If it was the FMIL's house, sure--her roof, her rules. But if I am paying for my own hotel room just to attend a wedding? They may be hosting the event, but they don't own every hour of my life while I am in town for the wedding. J and I will be paying for our own wedding, and I would never dream of telling anyone where they can or cannot sleep if they decide they would like to join us to celebrate. It's none of my business.

ETA: Yay, deco! It's not just me who feels this way!

 

[JulieN]

Date: 6/3/2008 2:44:52 PM
Author: PostIt

Date: 6/3/2008 1:46:35 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 6/3/2008 1:30:26 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 6/3/2008 12:52:57 PM

Author: gwendolyn

Aye. That's why I would be paying for my room, same as you are. And I'd tell my boyfriend which room number it is in case he wants to join me.

Normally I'd be right thee with you Gwen, but in this case I'm thinking 'maybe not'. Although the OP is paying for her own room and can do as she wishes, this weekend IS and SHOULD be about the couple getting married. If there's the slightest chance of getting 'caught' and any drama that might mar the wedding weekend, I think I'd pass on the hook up this once. It's just the respectful thing to do since OP is going to be part of the family soon.

I can definitely see that side of things, but there's just this VERY loud voice in the back of my head shouting, 'It nobody's business but ours!' I don't think it's about the 'hook up' as much as it is about two adults living as a unit, instead of being separated due to someone else's wishes because of someone else's value judgments and beliefs.

I see it more as you should respect the FMIL's wishes just as it were her house, since they are the hosts for the weekend.

3rd. It may be an unpopular opinion, but I don't really agree with the two adults living as a unit...unless they live together/engaged/married, and everyone knows that that is the case.

As I said before, some different communities/religions/ethnicities have different beliefs, and if someone were to say, Why should FMIL be so judgemental and small-minded, you could say the same thing the other way around, too.

 

[PostIt]

Date: 6/3/2008 2:51:39 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 6/3/2008 2:44:52 PM
Author: PostIt
I see it more as you should respect the FMIL''s wishes just as it were her house, since they are the hosts for the weekend.

Ya see ... but as a *guest* I have a choice whether to be HOSTED or not. We''re talking about free adult humans. People can make their own choices about where to sleep. Being a ''host'' doesn''t make someone boss of the world -- if they are a GOOD host, they''d be concerned about things like people''s personal comfort levels. But they are NOT behaving like good, considerate hosts IMHO. And accepting an invitation to a WEDDING & RECEPTION isn''t the same as turning over control of your accommodations & personal space for an entire WEEKEND. OVER THE TOP! Totally!

Yeah, you can sleep wherever you want... I would get my own room, but in terms of my BF sleeping in that room or not would be up to how his mother feels about it as if it were her house... that''s just how I would deal with the situation.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 6/3/2008 2:51:42 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 6/3/2008 2:44:52 PM

Author: PostIt

Date: 6/3/2008 1:46:35 PM


Author: gwendolyn

I can definitely see that side of things, but there''s just this VERY loud voice in the back of my head shouting, ''It nobody''s business but ours!'' I don''t think it''s about the ''hook up'' as much as it is about two adults living as a unit, instead of being separated due to someone else''s wishes because of someone else''s value judgments and beliefs.

I see it more as you should respect the FMIL''s wishes just as it were her house, since they are the hosts for the weekend.

If it was the FMIL''s house, sure--her roof, her rules. But if I am paying for my own hotel room just to attend a wedding? They may be hosting the event, but they don''t own every hour of my life while I am in town for the wedding. J and I will be paying for our own wedding, and I would never dream of telling anyone where they can or cannot sleep if they decide they would like to join us to celebrate. It''s none of my business.

ETA: Yay, deco! It''s not just me who feels this way!

Agreed!!

It''s possible that this isn''t even an issue, the OP hasn''t said. So she got her own room, fair enough, but own room doesn''t equal automatic hook-up. Hopefully the OP and her BF will make up their minds about what kind of activities are appropriate in her room without any input from the mother or drama.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 6/3/2008 12:40:24 PM
Author: LDubs
Thanks girls!


I went and just booked a room for myself. I intend to say thanks to his mom, but explain a mix of the light sleeper/not intruding on the sisters'' last night story. It''s just not worth the stress. I''ll certainly post a note about it after the wedding if it causes a situation!


Gwen, while I''m sure his mom doesn''t mean it maliciously - I think you''re pretty close on the manipulation part. I think as adults, and as long as we''re paying for the room, my BF and I should be able to do as we wish. However, if it were on her ticket (which it is), I won''t put up a fuss - but I think she jumped on the rooms early just so she could dictate sleeping arrangements.

I think you are 100% doing the right thing in booking a room for yourself. You can even point out that you think the bride needs her own bed the night before her wedding, and it will appear that you are being generous to her by getting your own room. You could also offer that one of the sisters could get ready in your room with you to give the bride more bathroom space. I''m sure the offer would be appreciated even if they don''t take you up on it.

I think you are making the best of a trying situation. As you and Gwen said, it is clear what his mom was intending to do, and to be honest, I think it is quite gauche of her to presume that the arrangement she made was acceptable. If she is going to make a value judgment like that, she should at least 1) be up front about it, and 2) allow you an option other than sleeping with her daughters. Regardless of what your boyfriend thinks, it''s her behavior that is questionable. While my parents are also Catholic and do not want me sharing a bed with my BF in their presence, they always provide options that he will be comfortable with and make sure to treat us both like the adults that we are.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/3/2008 2:59:53 PM
Author: PostIt
I would get my own room, but in terms of my BF sleeping in that room or not would be up to how his mother feels about it as if it were her house... that''s just how I would deal with the situation.

I agree ... am def not advocating they sneak around at the hotel. On the contrary. I think that would be disrespectful of the bride & groom, as well as the "hosts" ... if only because it would be distracting from the MAIN EVENT if they were to be caught. Not worth the potential downside -- considering they can be together anytime they want BEFORE or AFTER the wedding weekend (if they are already intimate that is).

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/3/2008 2:53:04 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 6/3/2008 2:44:52 PM
Author: PostIt

Date: 6/3/2008 1:46:35 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 6/3/2008 1:30:26 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 6/3/2008 12:52:57 PM

Author: gwendolyn

Aye. That''s why I would be paying for my room, same as you are. And I''d tell my boyfriend which room number it is in case he wants to join me.

Normally I''d be right thee with you Gwen, but in this case I''m thinking ''maybe not''. Although the OP is paying for her own room and can do as she wishes, this weekend IS and SHOULD be about the couple getting married. If there''s the slightest chance of getting ''caught'' and any drama that might mar the wedding weekend, I think I''d pass on the hook up this once. It''s just the respectful thing to do since OP is going to be part of the family soon.

I can definitely see that side of things, but there''s just this VERY loud voice in the back of my head shouting, ''It nobody''s business but ours!'' I don''t think it''s about the ''hook up'' as much as it is about two adults living as a unit, instead of being separated due to someone else''s wishes because of someone else''s value judgments and beliefs.

I see it more as you should respect the FMIL''s wishes just as it were her house, since they are the hosts for the weekend.

3rd. It may be an unpopular opinion, but I don''t really agree with the two adults living as a unit...unless they live together/engaged/married, and everyone knows that that is the case.

As I said before, some different communities/religions/ethnicities have different beliefs, and if someone were to say, Why should FMIL be so judgemental and small-minded, you could say the same thing the other way around, too.

I totally disagree. Franky, it''s none of FMIL''s business. If OP and her SO are adults paying for their own accomodations, she has no right to dictate whether they sleep together or not. She may not like it, but it''s not her place to be telling them what to do.


For ME, small-mindedness and being judgemental is when you try to impose your beliefs on someone else and dictate how they behave. ie, being against sleeping together when you aren''t married AND expecting others to follow suit because of how you feel. It''s fine to feel that way - everyone is entitled to their values - but it''s not fine nor reasonable to believe that everyone should adhere to your beliefs. Similarly, I don''t care if unmarried couples sleep separately even though SO and I sleep together. Live and let live -- it''s not the same thing the other way around at all.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/3/2008 3:03:16 PM
Author: Addy

Date: 6/3/2008 2:51:42 PM

Author: gwendolyn
If it was the FMIL''s house, sure--her roof, her rules. But if I am paying for my own hotel room just to attend a wedding? They may be hosting the event, but they don''t own every hour of my life while I am in town for the wedding. J and I will be paying for our own wedding, and I would never dream of telling anyone where they can or cannot sleep if they decide they would like to join us to celebrate. It''s none of my business.

ETA: Yay, deco! It''s not just me who feels this way!

Agreed!!


It''s possible that this isn''t even an issue, the OP hasn''t said. So she got her own room, fair enough, but own room doesn''t equal automatic hook-up. Hopefully the OP and her BF will make up their minds about what kind of activities are appropriate in her room without any input from the mother or drama.

Aye. The boy/girl room split and the fear over drama from the mother if the boyfriend were to visit the girlfriend''s room totally reminds me of high school band trips, where we were separated by not only rooms but FLOORS so the parent chaperones would at sight be able to tell who belonged where and who didn''t.

 

[LDubs]

Date: 6/3/2008 3:04:48 PM
Author: decodelighted

I agree ... am def not advocating they sneak around at the hotel. On the contrary. I think that would be disrespectful of the bride & groom, as well as the ''hosts'' ... if only because it would be distracting from the MAIN EVENT if they were to be caught. Not worth the potential downside -- considering they can be together anytime they want BEFORE or AFTER the wedding weekend (if they are already intimate that is).

To answer all, although I believe I have the right to do whatever I want, with whomever I want, when in my own hotel room - we will not be sneaking around throughout the weekend

It''s just not worth it, IMO.

I just didn''t want to offend his mother/sisters by getting my own room - which as more opinions are gathered - makes me realize that I''m not completely out of line in wanting a little private space.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 6/3/2008 3:28:57 PM
Author: LDubs

Date: 6/3/2008 3:04:48 PM

Author: decodelighted


I agree ... am def not advocating they sneak around at the hotel. On the contrary. I think that would be disrespectful of the bride & groom, as well as the 'hosts' ... if only because it would be distracting from the MAIN EVENT if they were to be caught. Not worth the potential downside -- considering they can be together anytime they want BEFORE or AFTER the wedding weekend (if they are already intimate that is).

To answer all, although I believe I have the right to do whatever I want, with whomever I want, when in my own hotel room - we will not be sneaking around throughout the weekend

It's just not worth it, IMO.


I just didn't want to offend his mother/sisters by getting my own room - which as more opinions are gathered - makes me realize that I'm not completely out of line in wanting a little private space.

Wow, are we nosy about your private life or what

I think you made a good choice about getting your own hotel room. Have fun at the wedding!

 

[Cleopatra]

I see this as a "bathroom issue" - 4 girls getting ready for a wedding in one hotel room - with, I assume, one bathroom? no way - ain''t gonna happen....excuse enough to get your own room

You''re 25 - if you don''t want to share a room, don''t - i wouldn''t do it - even if they got mad

 

[wishful]

Yeah I'm just surprised that the Bride is okay with having to share a room with three other girls on her wedding day! I can see one other girl in there with her but three?? I'd feel a bit cramped. I love the idea of offering your bathroom up to the other girls to alleviate the space issue when you all are getting ready. Shows them that you're a team player.

I'm another "open minded" girl who feels that two adults esp in a commited relationship or engaged should be able to do as they wish when it comes to things like this.
My 1st bf's parents were Catholic as well and we lived together and they knew about it (not happy). And the few times we went to see them and happened to stay over we had to sleep in seperate rooms. And since there were not enough spare rooms in the house he slept in the living room on the couch and (even though there was another couch in the LR) I had to be in a "different room" so they put a cot in their porch and I had to sleep out there with a ton of blankets and a space heater! (it was winter). Ugg.... I thought it was silly esp. since we were engaged at the time!
Oh well whatcha gonna do. It was their house.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 6/3/2008 2:51:42 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 6/3/2008 2:44:52 PM
Author: PostIt

Date: 6/3/2008 1:46:35 PM

Author: gwendolyn
I can definitely see that side of things, but there''s just this VERY loud voice in the back of my head shouting, ''It nobody''s business but ours!'' I don''t think it''s about the ''hook up'' as much as it is about two adults living as a unit, instead of being separated due to someone else''s wishes because of someone else''s value judgments and beliefs.

I see it more as you should respect the FMIL''s wishes just as it were her house, since they are the hosts for the weekend.

If it was the FMIL''s house, sure--her roof, her rules. But if I am paying for my own hotel room just to attend a wedding? They may be hosting the event, but they don''t own every hour of my life while I am in town for the wedding. J and I will be paying for our own wedding, and I would never dream of telling anyone where they can or cannot sleep if they decide they would like to join us to celebrate. It''s none of my business.

ETA: Yay, deco! It''s not just me who feels this way!

I''m with you as well, Gwen. While I would respect her wishes if we were at her house, at a hotel I don''t think she should be dictating the room arrangements for two adults. If you are not financially dependent on your parents, I don''t believe they have the right to make this call.

Granted, if I were in the same position as the OP, I''d probably just stay in my own room to avoid drama over the wedding weekend. Keeping the peace with the future inlaws may be more important than proving a point.

 

[Pandora II]

Having worked for several companies where we all shared rooms and beds (male with male, female with female obviously) at tradefairs etc I have no problems with sharing a bed with people. (These were all top Italian companies - it''s normal practice there).

But, if it''s something you''re uncomfortable with then you are more than justified in saying so.

On the sneaking around thing, I''m someone who makes my own decisions about what I do with my SO and I''m not interested in their parents views on things like intimacy before marriage or living together etc.

I will always respect parents wishes under their roof, but in a neutral setting such as a hotel then I don''t feel that they have any such rights.

Luckily all my past bf''s and current FI''s parents have been pretty liberal (even the one whose mother was a former nun - though she did tell us to sleep with a pillow between us!)

However it is up to the OP to decide how she would like to conduct her relationship over the weekend and only she will know what is right for her, her SO and his family.

Have a lovely time at the wedding!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

When I first read the post, I felt that the bathroom situation was the primary issue, and that is how I would explain the extra room. I see no way for 4 girls including the BRIDE to get ready with one bathroom! I can''t stand to stay with more than one other person to a room even when I go somewhere with my own mother and sisters!

And I think it is very nice for you to show respect for his mother by not staying with your boyfriend. It is not about being an adult and doing what you wish regardless of the feelings of others. It is about repecting his mother and and making a very small sacrifice for one weekend.

 

[NYCsparkle]

i wonder if his mom will "stalk" your room at night to listen for any "innappropriate" behavior....

 

[diamondfan]

I think she is clearly trying to control things.

If you were teens, and it was her home, I would certainly grant her right to put you two in separate spaces. And I feel she is certainly entitled to her views, but you are both grown ups, living away from home, and are in a public place. I would not chose her daughter''s wedding as the place to take my stand, but certainly, going forward, I would. Again, if you go stay in her home unmarried, and it really bothers her, I would not get into it. Or I would stay in a hotel with my guy. Think about family trips in the future...are you, until you are married, stay in separate rooms from your man? Is she going to stick you with the other unmarried daughters to ensure you do not sneak away to his room? Again, this is not the time to force the issue, but still, I think that it would be better if she knows after the wedding that you two are adults and do not intend to be treated like kids.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 6/3/2008 2:51:39 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 6/3/2008 2:44:52 PM

Author: PostIt

I see it more as you should respect the FMIL''s wishes just as it were her house, since they are the hosts for the weekend.

Ya see ... but as a *guest* I have a choice whether to be HOSTED or not. We''re talking about free adult humans. People can make their own choices about where to sleep. Being a ''host'' doesn''t make someone boss of the world -- if they are a GOOD host, they''d be concerned about things like people''s personal comfort levels. But they are NOT behaving like good, considerate hosts IMHO. And accepting an invitation to a WEDDING & RECEPTION isn''t the same as turning over control of your accommodations & personal space for an entire WEEKEND. OVER THE TOP! Totally!

A-MEN! This thread gives me the heebie jeebies thinking about sleeping in the same bed with people I don''t know. My butt would be on the floor at the very least!!

 

[Blair138]

Date: 6/3/2008 9:14:21 PM
Author: NYCsparkle

i wonder if his mom will ''stalk'' your room at night to listen for any ''innappropriate'' behavior....

Haha...maybe she will tape your doors shut so in the morning she can see who opened their doors

 

[diamondfan]

Speak into the lamp, she might have gone to the Spy store and gotten a bug or two!!!

But all kidding aside, you two ARE adults. This is not her home. And your guy should, after the wedding, make it clear that you did not wish to make an issue during the wedding so as to avoid negative impact, but that in the future, though you both respect her and her wishes, they are NOT YOURS. Sometimes catering to certain things only embeds the behavior more. I would not flaunt things nor would I be disrespectful at all about it, but her way is not the only way. Just think the weekend her daughter gets married is not the time to push the envelope.