How conflict avoidant are you? Advice needed...

[Mreader]

I am very conflict avoidant and I know that most people don’t enjoy conflict. But some people (like my DH) do not waver from unpleasant conversations, but I am terrible at it. Hopefully this isn’t TLDR but this is doing to be long…

An example is that I am the conservator and legal guardian of a family member who lives in a group home (family member has autism and cannot live alone). There are always issues that get really frustrating for me. For example, the smoke detector was going on in the home and I contacted the agency to fix it (there are two people I communicate with – one is the president of the organization and the other is the residential director). I went back to see my family member a month later and the smoke detector was still going off. So, I had to tell them again, and again. I don’t live in the same state, though I visit often. Still, the distance complicates things.

Another thing that happened is every time I would FaceTime my family member, the person who was supposed to be working at the house would be in their car. It happened multiple times, so she was obviously leaving them by themselves. Once again, I complained. But when I do complain, I am not forceful. I don’t speak with a firm voice or say something like “this is completely unacceptable”. I say something like “I’m not trying to cause trouble, but this needs to be addressed”. I feel apologetic and awkward and uncomfortable even though they are totally in the wrong and I am totally in the right.

My DH is the opposite. A similar situation happened with the family member yesterday. Background: the home is a residential house that has one giant bedroom with a bathroom, and two small bedrooms. When the family member first moved it with his roommate, nobody got the big room. They thought that a staff member would be moving in that room full time (that is called a “companion” when they live full time with the disabled individuals). That never happened, so the room remained empty. They recently remodeled where you can access the bathroom from the hall way. I only learned about the remodel yesterday. So that is the background. Yesterday, they call and tell me a third roommate is moving in on Friday. So I get virtually no notice. I asked if my family member could have the bigger room since they will all three be occupied. They said no because this third person has a lot of furniture. Well, when my DH heard that he took the phone and it was guns blazing. He said that it was totally an unacceptable reason, and that our family member has been there longer and that if all three rooms should be occupied that he should get access. Then he proceeded to bring up all their other past failings – some of which I have previously mentioned.

As he’s going off, I’m listening, cringing and dying. Once again it was a situation where we were right and they were wrong, so why can’t I get over my feelings, especially when I’m advocating for an individual with disabilities who can’t stand up for themselves? I try to tell myself this and yet every time I feel so awkward and when I was hearing this interaction on the phone, it actually makes me feel almost panicked, my stomach clenching and all those things. I wish that I weren’t that affected by it.

I am guessing I’m not alone, but I would be curious to hear your thoughts. Especially those of you who are conflict avoidant - what helps you get over any awkwardness to be firm when you need to be?

The room situation is still not resolved btw.

For those who think I should change agencies, I have thought about it. I have learned that many of these problems exist though. Sadly the staff are low paid, it’s high turnover, and just hard to get quality care. The family member has a job that gives him a lot of social interaction and if he left the agency he would also be leaving the job, so that is a big reason for staying.

Thanks for reading.

 

[glitterata]

I can't advise you about your family member's living situation--it sounds like there are many considerations to weigh. But I can address the part about your feelings. Many people feel uncomfortable with confrontation, for many reasons. There's nothing wrong with you! But it sounds like your discomfort is making you unhappy and making you worry about not being an effective advocate for your family member (and probably also for yourself). If that's the case, this is something therapy can help with. You can change. A good therapist can help you learn to be more assertive, how to stand up for yourself and your loved ones, and how to tolerate the discomfort you're describing. Therapy was the best investment I ever made.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Men can get away with a lot that women can't get away with when it comes to making demands of others. I am fairly forceful in many situations. But in a situation like you describe I would 100% have my husband handle all complaints lol. Use that male privilege for an advantage. He is the "official complainer" in basically any situation where I think sexism is going to affect how I would be perceived or where I expect lots of push back.

Point being, some of your concerns are warranted and its OK to work around if you can. It also sounds like you are judging yourself negatively for your apprehension and that is a part of the problem that can be more easily solved -- much harder to stop the feelings themselves which likely stem from pretty deep rooted childhood experiences and personality (not to get all psychoanalyzing lol). EDIT: lol or like @glitterata said, "get therapy"

 

[Matata]

Can you get someone else to be the conservator for your family member? Can you hire an attorney to act in your stead to handle issues with those who are supposed to take care of him?

Therapy is a good option if you think your life is diminished because you are conflict avoidant. If not, then you do you the best way you can.

 

[Mreader]

Can you get someone else to be the conservator for your family member? Can you hire an attorney to act in your stead to handle issues with those who are supposed to take care of him?

Therapy is a good option if you think your life is diminished because you are conflict avoidant. If not, then you do you the best way you can.

I’m next of kin so there’s really nobody else who would be willing and the other option is having an attorney to act as Conservator but I don’t like that idea. His roommate is in that situation because his poor roommate doesn’t really have family to advocate for him. I’m also his rep payee and handle his finances. I would not want to relinquish control of that.

It’s not that I can’t speak up because I do. I just feel like I should be a lot more aggressive yet can’t muster the ability to do it.

 

[MissGotRocks]

While I can appreciate avoiding conflict, in this instance I feel it is totally justified. You are an advocate for someone that can’t advocate for himself - sort of like a child. In that instance, I would have no trouble speaking up rather forcefully on his behalf. You tried to go about it nicely, and were clearly ignored. That would tell me that another approach would be necessary. You may not have to go to the lengths your husband did, but getting your point across and seeing resultant action is needed. Let’s see what progress your husband made with them by handling it a different way. Might give you the extra umph next time. I appreciate the fact that all people are not overly assertive, but sometimes it is just a necessary requirement.

 

[seaurchin]

If I understand the situation correctly though, imo the issue might not really be that you're not being forceful enough. After all, you said your husband let them have it. But it seems that didn't fix the situation, either.

I think sometimes being more forceful works better but other times a softer touch is more effective, just depending on who you're dealing with.

And then, other times, it's just not likely to go your way no matter what you do. Then you might have to re-evaluate the whole scenario, which it sounds like you've done but not found it quite bad for what your relative would have to give up by going to a different placement (which, as you say, might not be any better anyway).

Years ago, I turned in a nursing home for various outrageous things. Then I discovered they'd been turned in to the state authorities many times and gotten bad marks repeatedly. But still, nothing changed.

Maybe someone would be able to turn it around but I'd think it would only be at gargantuan expense and/or effort on their part. Meanwhile, they'd have to worry that the powers-that-be might just find some excuse to evict their loved one, and then things might be even worse for them.

So, I just don't know. It seems there's just not enough money directed at caring for those who need assistance and the result is sub-standard care.

Would it be possible to perhaps bridge the gap some between the care given and the care you think is reasonable? Like paying someone to visit your relative a couple of times a week to provide personal assistance with whatever would make their life nicer. For example, ear plugs (for the fire alarm issue) or just a couple of hours out of the facility for a nice lunch, or whatever else comes up. Just a thought. Good luck with it.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I am very conflict avoidant and I know that most people don’t enjoy conflict. But some people (like my DH) do not waver from unpleasant conversations, but I am terrible at it. Hopefully this isn’t TLDR but this is doing to be long…

An example is that I am the conservator and legal guardian of a family member who lives in a group home (family member has autism and cannot live alone). There are always issues that get really frustrating for me. For example, the smoke detector was going on in the home and I contacted the agency to fix it (there are two people I communicate with – one is the president of the organization and the other is the residential director). I went back to see my family member a month later and the smoke detector was still going off. So, I had to tell them again, and again. I don’t live in the same state, though I visit often. Still, the distance complicates things.

Another thing that happened is every time I would FaceTime my family member, the person who was supposed to be working at the house would be in their car. It happened multiple times, so she was obviously leaving them by themselves. Once again, I complained. But when I do complain, I am not forceful. I don’t speak with a firm voice or say something like “this is completely unacceptable”. I say something like “I’m not trying to cause trouble, but this needs to be addressed”. I feel apologetic and awkward and uncomfortable even though they are totally in the wrong and I am totally in the right.

My DH is the opposite. A similar situation happened with the family member yesterday. Background: the home is a residential house that has one giant bedroom with a bathroom, and two small bedrooms. When the family member first moved it with his roommate, nobody got the big room. They thought that a staff member would be moving in that room full time (that is called a “companion” when they live full time with the disabled individuals). That never happened, so the room remained empty. They recently remodeled where you can access the bathroom from the hall way. I only learned about the remodel yesterday. So that is the background. Yesterday, they call and tell me a third roommate is moving in on Friday. So I get virtually no notice. I asked if my family member could have the bigger room since they will all three be occupied. They said no because this third person has a lot of furniture. Well, when my DH heard that he took the phone and it was guns blazing. He said that it was totally an unacceptable reason, and that our family member has been there longer and that if all three rooms should be occupied that he should get access. Then he proceeded to bring up all their other past failings – some of which I have previously mentioned.

As he’s going off, I’m listening, cringing and dying. Once again it was a situation where we were right and they were wrong, so why can’t I get over my feelings, especially when I’m advocating for an individual with disabilities who can’t stand up for themselves? I try to tell myself this and yet every time I feel so awkward and when I was hearing this interaction on the phone, it actually makes me feel almost panicked, my stomach clenching and all those things. I wish that I weren’t that affected by it.

I am guessing I’m not alone, but I would be curious to hear your thoughts. Especially those of you who are conflict avoidant - what helps you get over any awkwardness to be firm when you need to be?

The room situation is still not resolved btw.

For those who think I should change agencies, I have thought about it. I have learned that many of these problems exist though. Sadly the staff are low paid, it’s high turnover, and just hard to get quality care. The family member has a job that gives him a lot of social interaction and if he left the agency he would also be leaving the job, so that is a big reason for staying.

Thanks for reading.

i feel bad for you, i avoid conflict at all cost so i have no useful advice
i would call the fire brigade/ fire insepector or local council about the smoke detector
because apart from the obveouse problem surly a misfunctioning fire alarm of any kind is not going to be nice on a number of levels with a person with autusm

 

[JPie]

Have you tried writing down some main talking points so you don’t have to remember them on the spot? Also think of obvious counterpoints that they may bring up so you have a strategy for addressing them.

You could practice going through it before calling them.

 

[Bron357]

You don’t need to be aggressive or confrontational as that usually doesn’t lead to unpleasant outcomes. Can you phrase your concerns more like questions rather than accusations?
Like “last time I called x you as the carer apparently weren’t in the house but were in your car, was there a reason for that because as the carer you should be in the house.” As for the room situation, ask how they intend to resolve it. You could say, I would think that the person there the longest should have first choice, what are your thoughts about that?
Giving people the opportunity to explain their situation or express themselves or be asked to “face” their actions - like with the car “ I was only out there for a few minutes” but the real reason might be “I think I’m going to punch the wall if I don’t get a time out”. So acknowledge their need to a break but ask if that is safe for the people needing care in the house or are there any other coping strategies that might help.
You always want to be sympathetic to them but make sure they understand there responsibilities and consequences if they fail the people in the house ie an injury or incident that will really test their patience and resolve.
As others have said, think about what you want to say and practice it.

 

[missy]

@Mreader first of all the fact that you were made conservator and legal guardian is a huge compliment and shows how much trust others have put in you. Let no one tell you differently you are good just the way you are. Not everyone wants to deal with unpleasant stuff and yes they are conflict avoidant. As long as someone deals with it and takes care of the problems that is what matters. It doesn't necessarily have to be you. But if you wanted to I will share what works for me. Below.

I personally hate dealing with conflict but I don't shy away from it. When I need to I do. We all have our different styles and usually there is no right or wrong. I always work on seeing both sides of any conflict. But in this case you are discussing there is only one right side IMO. Yours and your family member. I am very sorry you are going through this. This is how I handle conflict most of the time.

I practice active listening.
Making sure they understand I hear them
I express my needs clearly
Stay calm. Very important to stay calm. IMO
I am respectful and empathetic (depends on the circumstances of course and every case is a bit different but these are my general guidelines)
Identify areas of agreement
Brainstorm successful solutions
And if need be get a third party involved
And after it is resolved I keep tabs on the situation if necessary and continue to communicate
And also very important, be kind to yourself.
Be patient but also please be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can and that will be good enough.

Sending you many good wishes for a successful resolution.

 

[Avondale]

I think sometimes being more forceful works better but other times a softer touch is more effective, just depending on who you're dealing with.

This. Besides, there's a thin line between being assertive and holding your ground, and being too aggressive (which is usually where people stop wanting to cooperate with you on a purely emotional level). But in the end you need to be able to choose between the two approaches, rather than be stuck with only one.

Especially those of you who are conflict avoidant - what helps you get over any awkwardness to be firm when you need to be?

My mom taught me when I was a child, very early on. I used to be extremely conflict avoidant back then.

The truth is there is no simple and easy shortcut. You learn this through practice. You have to accept to experience all the negative emotions you associate with conflict, and just endure. And then do it again. And again. And again.

It will get easier each time. You'll get used to the negative feelings and this will lessen their effect on you. Soon enough you'll be in a position where you won't feel anxious or scared anymore.

 

[lyra]

Hey, sorry you're having issues. Maybe because I was the baby of the family, I haven't avoided conflict. I have to try really hard to be reasonable, and. heaven help the person if I actually lose my temper. My first response to anything is to say no, then think it over. The issues you are facing are simply unacceptable.

I think some of this ability now is just due to age. I'm almost 63. So I kind of don't care anymore. You started out being reasonable and logical. They had their chance. You can step it up more. Don't feel bad. You're advocating for someone else. I never let being a woman affect my communications with others in authority. I don't accept that from others. I am a shy introverted person, but with business situations I get my way. Can't waste my precious remaining time. Go for it!

 

[Mreader]

Would it be possible to perhaps bridge the gap some between the care given and the care you think is reasonable? Like paying someone to visit your relative a couple of times a week to provide personal assistance with whatever would make their life nicer. For example, ear plugs (for the fire alarm issue) or just a couple of hours out of the facility for a nice lunch, or whatever else comes up. Just a thought. Good luck with it.

Hi, I already do this. He usually goes out once a week with another family member and/or someone I pay.

 

[Mreader]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I have contacted his ISP (Independent Support Coordinator) to try to help me. I wish I had thought of her yesterday, because it being Good Friday I don't know if their offices are closed. Anyway, with luck, I will hear from her today and perhaps she can work as a mediator of sorts.

 

[Piper70]

Some really great responses here. The only thing I have to add is that because I have anxiety, I do try to avoid conflict. I try to keep communication short and direct as I can. Also, I try to be clear about what I need and am expecting so it doesn’t really give them the opportunity to say no. Sadly, the squeaky wheel is usually the first one to get the grease so playing nice gets you nowhere.

 

[Lookinagain]

For me, it depends on the issue. I don't avoid conflict if its something very important that clearly needs to be dealt with and it just isn't happening. The smoke alarm going off would be one of those for me. If it is going off when there isn't a fire, how will they know when there is one? I avoid conflict when I decide the issue isn't worth the fight.