How did you know when you were ready to have kids?

[Dreamer_D]

We are contemplating, and I really really want to and I really really don''t! haha... please share how you knew when you were ready to have kids!

DD

 

[neatfreak]

For us it was having a pregnancy "scare" and then both being sad when we found out it was a false alarm! Just happened very recently but it was the one thing that said to both of us that we were as ready as we were going to get.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 4/8/2008 11:16:56 PM
Author: neatfreak
For us it was having a pregnancy ''scare'' and then both being sad when we found out it was a false alarm! Just happened very recently but it was the one thing that said to both of us that we were as ready as we were going to get.

I wonder if it is "as ready as we''ll get" for everyone, or do some people feel that sense of "now now now now now!! No doubts, I am ready!!"

I think I would feel disappointed if I had a "scare" and it turned out to be wrong...

DD

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 4/8/2008 11:28:35 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 4/8/2008 11:16:56 PM

Author: neatfreak

For us it was having a pregnancy ''scare'' and then both being sad when we found out it was a false alarm! Just happened very recently but it was the one thing that said to both of us that we were as ready as we were going to get.

I wonder if it is ''as ready as we''ll get'' for everyone, or do some people feel that sense of ''now now now now now!! No doubts, I am ready!!''


I think I would feel disappointed if I had a ''scare'' and it turned out to be wrong...


DD

I don''t know that you can EVER be 100% ready. But I think there is a point where you are as ready as you''re going to get. That is where we are now, so as soon as we can get everything else lined up (dates, when I will be defending my disseration, making sure I''m not pregnant during job interviews, etc.) we will go for it.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Well you have to remember you will *never* have enough money and there will *always* be trips to take. So we didn''t base having children on those factors. Honestly it was just a feeling. I would see babies and would long for my own. I just felt like it was time. DH had to be convinced but it didn''t take too much as he has always loved kids too.

 

[Kaleigh]

We had talked about how important having kids was for us before we got married. Once we married, we decided to have a year to oursleves, and then TTC. TTC happened quickly for us, and we were thrilled. It was a feeling of, yes we are ready to be parents and assume that responsiblity. Is there ever really the right time?? I don't think so. It's something you feel in your gut, and then it can happen and you doubt it. So there ya go, it's hard.

For us we are so happy it happened the way it did. We are still young? 46 and 47 with soon to be 20 year old DD, and soon to be 18 year old son. We have all the time to be with them and have fun being just the two of us.

 

[Heishman]

Hello dreamer_dachsie- I don't think you are ever really ready to have children. For me it was my husband that kept asking to have kids. It took me about a year and a half before I agreed that I thought it was time. I was in my mid twenties and he in his late twenties when we decided to give it a go. My children have been such a blessing and I am so greatful to have had each one of them, even the third one which was a major opps.

 

[LitigatorChick]

You are never prepared, emotionally, for the shock of having a child, despite how many kids you have looked after, etc. However, we were prepared financially and physically, had been married 5 years, and felt ready to take that step.

Tacori mentioned that she saw other babies and had an urge. I had none of that. Honestly, I am generally not that fond of other people''s children - they kind of annoy me (yes, I am awful). But my kid is another story all together. I just wanted to add that in, in case you don''t have maternal instincts toward other kids.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 4/9/2008 8:51:20 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
You are never prepared, emotionally, for the shock of having a child, despite how many kids you have looked after, etc. However, we were prepared financially and physically, had been married 5 years, and felt ready to take that step.

Tacori mentioned that she saw other babies and had an urge. I had none of that. Honestly, I am generally not that fond of other people''s children - they kind of annoy me (yes, I am awful). But my kid is another story all together. I just wanted to add that in, in case you don''t have maternal instincts toward other kids.

LC - That made me feel so much better! I''ve actually wondered what my problem is! I''ve always thought I would have kids eventually, but knowing that I have never felt that urge when I saw other kids, I got worried! I started thinking maybe I wasn''t going to have kids, but that never felt right. Other kids make me nuts. My nieces are amazing, but I have no issues handing them back to my sister when I go home to my great downtown condo where it is just me and FI.

I''m glad to know that even though I don''t have that maternal instinct towards other kids, I might be okay!

 

[LitigatorChick]

Glad I could help October2008bride. My mom says she was the very same way too. Actually, I think it has focussed my maternal instinct into one little creature, rather than spreading it around!

 

[dani13]

I have always ADORED children, but I just know its not the right time *yet* for MH and I. We've only been married for 6 months, and even though we've been together for almost 5 years now, we just want to enjoy more time just being married and spending quality time together. I think as women its hard, you always hear that clock ticking in the background, so being that I will be 30 in a few months and hubby is 33, I worry about potential complications (infertility). Even though I do worry about that, MH and I figure that that fear is not a reason to have kids if we dont feel its truly time yet.....We both know we can't wait a long time, so probably in about 1-2 yrs we will consider TTC....To us that seems like a good timeline...MH will be done with grad school, starting a new postition, and hopefully we will be buying our first home... all within the next 1.5 yrs.

Most of our friends have kids, but after spending a few hrs with them, we are SO HAPPY to leave!!!! We like our life now as it is, and when its time I think we will just know and just go for it!!! But that wont be for awhile!

 

[Dandi]

Funny this topic should come up now, dreamer! Up until recently I''ve been really unsure as to whether or not I really wanted kids. DH is 7 years older than me, and is far closer to the ''clucky'' stage than myself. Recently though, like only in the last month or so, I had a dream that we had kids, like baby/toddler age. Since then I haven''t been able to stop thinking about it!!! Plus at work knowing I''m a newlywed, people hound me as to when it will happen... if I feel unwell, or tired - ah! She''s pregnant! Or if I''m having a good day and feel good I must have that ''glow'' that pregnant women get... ahhh it does my head in!! HOWEVER, I''m starting to soften and the idea is beginning to take on appeal to me, hehe!

We have a ''plan'' (I know, best laid plans etc etc) to completely pay off our mortgage before we think about TTC, which will be in 4 years at the rate we are paying it (I''ll only just be 30). I feel that will be the right time because now, at this stage, our lives are about enjoying each other''s company while working hard towards owning our home. When we''ve achieved that goal or are close to it, I figure our priorities will change and we''ll be ready and financially able to focus our energy toward something... or someONE else! Plus I don''t want to give up my career for any amount of time yet, I love it too much! I''ll get sick of it eventually

I suppose we''ll just get to a stage where we feel like ''yep, we can do this now''... or somewhere along the line it might happen unexpectedly, and them wham! Guess we''re ready then!

 

[Pandora II]

I know just how you feel.

I''m 36 this year and so FI and I are going to TTC after the wedding in July.

I''m starting to leave it late, and if I get PG by December, it will make a big difference financially to my maternity leave (it''s a year in the UK, but your salary drops in a BIG way. I have a second salary as a politician that isn''t affected as I''m elected not ''employed'', but it stops in May 2010 and I''m not standing again. If I get pregnant by December it will more than triple my maternity pay up till when I go back to work)

Half the time I can''t wait, and then I wake up at night terrified. I''m someone that needs a LOT of sleep and due to the meds I take for my back that knock you out, I work from 11am to 8pm which doesn''t fit with schools etc

Is it wrong that the idea of having to get up early terrifies me more than anything? Once I''m up, I can easily go through till 3am, so I have more ''productive'' hours in the day - just at the wrong time. I so envy people who can bounce out of bed at 7am.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 4/8/2008 11:36:32 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Well you have to remember you will *never* have enough money and there will *always* be trips to take. So we didn''t base having children on those factors. Honestly it was just a feeling. I would see babies and would long for my own. I just felt like it was time. DH had to be convinced but it didn''t take too much as he has always loved kids too.

This really seems true, I have heard others say this too...

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 4/8/2008 11:53:36 PM
Author: Kaleigh
We had talked about how important having kids was for us before we got married. Once we married, we decided to have a year to oursleves, and then TTC. TTC happened quickly for us, and we were thrilled. It was a feeling of, yes we are ready to be parents and assume that responsiblity. Is there ever really the right time?? I don''t think so. It''s something you feel in your gut, and then it can happen and you doubt it. So there ya go, it''s hard.

For us we are so happy it happened the way it did. We are still young? 46 and 47 with soon to be 20 year old DD, and soon to be 18 year old son. We have all the time to be with them and have fun being just the two of us.

Others I know who had their kids when they were younger have also said how happy they are that they now get to enjoy themselves while they are still young, once the kids are gone. We will be older when our kids are gone, but I hope we will still be able to enjoy ourselves in our 50s! haha

DD

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 4/9/2008 8:58:18 AM
Author: October2008bride

Date: 4/9/2008 8:51:20 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
You are never prepared, emotionally, for the shock of having a child, despite how many kids you have looked after, etc. However, we were prepared financially and physically, had been married 5 years, and felt ready to take that step.

Tacori mentioned that she saw other babies and had an urge. I had none of that. Honestly, I am generally not that fond of other people''s children - they kind of annoy me (yes, I am awful). But my kid is another story all together. I just wanted to add that in, in case you don''t have maternal instincts toward other kids.

LC - That made me feel so much better! I''ve actually wondered what my problem is! I''ve always thought I would have kids eventually, but knowing that I have never felt that urge when I saw other kids, I got worried! I started thinking maybe I wasn''t going to have kids, but that never felt right. Other kids make me nuts. My nieces are amazing, but I have no issues handing them back to my sister when I go home to my great downtown condo where it is just me and FI.

I''m glad to know that even though I don''t have that maternal instinct towards other kids, I might be okay!

Hee hee... I am the same. I like other people''s kids but I am not baby crazy... hubby is much more oggly boogly about all babies, but he is a nicer person than I am generally!

But I have no doubt I will love my own kids... I''m sure you will too October!

DD

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 4/9/2008 9:18:41 AM
Author: Dani
I have always ADORED children, but I just know its not the right time *yet* for MH and I. We''ve only been married for 6 months, and even though we''ve been together for almost 5 years now, we just want to enjoy more time just being married and spending quality time together. I think as women its hard, you always hear that clock ticking in the background, so being that I will be 30 in a few months and hubby is 33, I worry about potential complications (infertility). Even though I do worry about that, MH and I figure that that fear is not a reason to have kids if we dont feel its truly time yet.....We both know we can''t wait a long time, so probably in about 1-2 yrs we will consider TTC....To us that seems like a good timeline...MH will be done with grad school, starting a new postition, and hopefully we will be buying our first home... all within the next 1.5 yrs.

Most of our friends have kids, but after spending a few hrs with them, we are SO HAPPY to leave!!!! We like our life now as it is, and when its time I think we will just know and just go for it!!! But that wont be for awhile!

I feel exactly the same way, and when I am not worrying, I also think the ideal time for us to start TTC would be in about 12 - 18 months... but it is so hard to predict the future (haha) and who knows what might come up then? In lots of ways NOW is a very good time for us. We live near DHs parents, who would help a lot I am sure, I am in a research position that gives me lots of free time, and if we get preggers in the next 4 months I will qualify for 12 months of mat leave (at a reduced salary, but a liveable wage)... But if I didn''t have to listen to the clock, I would ideally prefer to be settled, but that may not happen for a few more years yet (academic job market is a long process)... and I kind of want to start our family now! Oogg!

I''m also quite happy to leave my friend''s houses when their kids act up

DD

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 4/9/2008 9:46:35 AM
Author: DandiAndi
Funny this topic should come up now, dreamer! Up until recently I''ve been really unsure as to whether or not I really wanted kids. DH is 7 years older than me, and is far closer to the ''clucky'' stage than myself. Recently though, like only in the last month or so, I had a dream that we had kids, like baby/toddler age. Since then I haven''t been able to stop thinking about it!!! Plus at work knowing I''m a newlywed, people hound me as to when it will happen... if I feel unwell, or tired - ah! She''s pregnant! Or if I''m having a good day and feel good I must have that ''glow'' that pregnant women get... ahhh it does my head in!! HOWEVER, I''m starting to soften and the idea is beginning to take on appeal to me, hehe!

We have a ''plan'' (I know, best laid plans etc etc) to completely pay off our mortgage before we think about TTC, which will be in 4 years at the rate we are paying it (I''ll only just be 30). I feel that will be the right time because now, at this stage, our lives are about enjoying each other''s company while working hard towards owning our home. When we''ve achieved that goal or are close to it, I figure our priorities will change and we''ll be ready and financially able to focus our energy toward something... or someONE else! Plus I don''t want to give up my career for any amount of time yet, I love it too much! I''ll get sick of it eventually

I suppose we''ll just get to a stage where we feel like ''yep, we can do this now''... or somewhere along the line it might happen unexpectedly, and them wham! Guess we''re ready then!

Sounds like a good plan, you are still so young that you don''t need to hurry until you are ready... your clock is still on "sleep" haha... Sometimes I hope for an accident because then the decision is just made and there is no more thinking about it!

DD

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 4/9/2008 11:25:53 AM
Author: Pandora II
I know just how you feel.

I''m 36 this year and so FI and I are going to TTC after the wedding in July.

I''m starting to leave it late, and if I get PG by December, it will make a big difference financially to my maternity leave (it''s a year in the UK, but your salary drops in a BIG way. I have a second salary as a politician that isn''t affected as I''m elected not ''employed'', but it stops in May 2010 and I''m not standing again. If I get pregnant by December it will more than triple my maternity pay up till when I go back to work)

Half the time I can''t wait, and then I wake up at night terrified. I''m someone that needs a LOT of sleep and due to the meds I take for my back that knock you out, I work from 11am to 8pm which doesn''t fit with schools etc

Is it wrong that the idea of having to get up early terrifies me more than anything? Once I''m up, I can easily go through till 3am, so I have more ''productive'' hours in the day - just at the wrong time. I so envy people who can bounce out of bed at 7am.

Pandora, I recall in another thread that you recently changed your mind and decided to have kids... if you don''t mind me asking, what was the deciding factor? I imagine a loving partner really helps...

I hope you get knocked up right away so you can get that $$! That will make life easier.. why not start now? There are many beautiful wedding dresses for preggos

Oh, and if your timetable says don''t get up early, at least with babies, I have some friends who''s kids just adjusted to their time table... and I read in OK magazing that Tom and Katie let Suri stay up til 11pm and then she wakes at 9am... and if they do it then it must be all right! haha

DD

 

[AmberWaves]

I hope you get knocked up right away so you can get that $$!

You sound like my mother in law, with the whole "knocked up" thing!! Although it''s not knocked up if you''re married, that''s what everyone told her!

Right now we just got off the pill, (Ha, WE?) and are prepared for the emotional and physical parts of child rearing. I''ve loved children my whole life, and I''m looking forward to having the chance to have a child. DH loves kids (he teaches k-, but has never actually had to change a diaper or wake up for feedings (I nannied), so he''s nervous about that. I still have my moments of, "It''s not too late to pick up that birth control packet!", but all in all, we''re ready- as ready as we''ll ever be. We''ve been married for 5 months, but together for many many years.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 4/9/2008 4:27:36 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Pandora, I recall in another thread that you recently changed your mind and decided to have kids... if you don''t mind me asking, what was the deciding factor? I imagine a loving partner really helps...

I hope you get knocked up right away so you can get that $$! That will make life easier.. why not start now? There are many beautiful wedding dresses for preggos

Oh, and if your timetable says don''t get up early, at least with babies, I have some friends who''s kids just adjusted to their time table... and I read in OK magazing that Tom and Katie let Suri stay up til 11pm and then she wakes at 9am... and if they do it then it must be all right! haha

DD

I think it was actually sitting down and having a real, TV turned off kind of conversation about whether we did or not.

I was talking about the option of not having any and FI offered to go an have a vasectomy. I felt really devastated the minute he said it and knew then and there that I DEFINITELY wanted a child.

So then we talked about how soon, and were thinking about a year or so - till I clicked about the $$$ thing. We sat and counted backwards and just went... OMG, that soon

My dressmaker would kill me if I got PG before the wedding!

On the time thing, I''ll be fine when they''re tiny, it''s when they have to go to school on time - and they''ll want breakfast! FI and I don''t do breakfast!

 

[ephemery1]

At 14 weeks pregnant, I'm still not TOTALLY sure we're ready......

I've been a kid/baby person my whole life... loved babysitting, volunteering in the church nursery, working at summer day camp, etc. I couldn't wait for the day I could have kids of my own. Then when I hit my early 20s, I suddenly felt like I wouldn't mind waiting a while... I liked my life the way it was, and the responsibility of kids seemed a bit too grounding to me.

After dating DH for a few years, though, we talked a lot about our future family and I started thinking about what a good father he would be. It definitely renewed my earlier interest, plus I liked the idea of having our kids while we are still young-ish (we are 28 and 30). I'm not worried about the actual childcare aspect of things (diapers, feeding, physically caring for a child, etc), because I've dealt with it in so many contexts already. And I feel like our relationship is strong and seasoned enough (been together over 5 years) and we communicate very well, although I'm preparing myself for the inevitable changes and obstacles that will come from adding a baby into our little 2-person family.

The financial stuff probably worries me most... we are not rich, by any stretch of the imagination. But we are stable, we both have graduate degrees, and there is potential for growth. Plus we have very generous, supportive family on both sides who help us feel more financially comfortable. So I am trying to have faith that things will work out in that area.

It is such a personal thing! But I think anybody who says they are 100%, totally, completely ready... is probably fooling themselves. Or else envisioning a little pet they can dress up in cute clothes and carry around with them... and not thinking much beyond that.

Even after I got that positive pregnancy test I wanted so badly, I spent a few weeks thinking "WHAT HAVE WE DONE" and freaking out about the reality of it all. But I adapted to the idea. And feel pretty darn excited at this point.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I have a question. Dont mean to threadjack.......My boyfriend recently told me that chances of having "problems" start after the age of 32. Is that true because a lot of celebrities are sure having kids when the are 40 with no problems. Not sure yet if we would want kids because we talk about how we don''t want ''em but then we talk about "if we had kids" but if I did, I wouldn''t want them until 39. HA! I told him but we are turning 27 and aren''t married yet. I know I want to be married for quite some time before if at all I did have kids. I surely know I DON''T want kids before 32.

Threadjacking over....

 

[Dreamer_D]

Amberwaves: somehow "knocked up" sounds less scary than pregnant! hee hee... I also went off the pill last month. We are using condoms, but as my mom says, that's the "stupid birth control method"... so we aren't actively trying yet but we are ok with an accident and when we are ready to really try, well I guess my eggs will be good and ready too! haha

Pandora: Last night I looked at our messy house (just untidy, not dirty, somehow neithr one of us manages to keep things picked up and put away inbetween visits of our cleaning lady) and I said, "If we are going to have kids then we need to start keeping the house tidy!" And then hubby looked at me and said, "Why?" haha... I had no anser for him there.

DD

 

[isis~goddess]

im still not ready and i have two. i think the answer is, if you wait till your ready youll over think and never do it.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 4/9/2008 7:47:53 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
I have a question. Dont mean to threadjack.......My boyfriend recently told me that chances of having 'problems' start after the age of 32. Is that true because a lot of celebrities are sure having kids when the are 40 with no problems. Not sure yet if we would want kids because we talk about how we don't want 'em but then we talk about 'if we had kids' but if I did, I wouldn't want them until 39. HA! I told him but we are turning 27 and aren't married yet. I know I want to be married for quite some time before if at all I did have kids. I surely know I DON'T want kids before 32.

Threadjacking over....

My doc said to have my family done by 35. I think that is the magic age where risks for complications start to arise.

 

[somethingshiny]

just a note on the age thing, my SIL just had her first baby at 36. She was medically at a much higher risk for having twins, and low-weight babies, and miscarriages, etc. However, she had an easy pregnancy and a 10lb 12oz baby 8 weeks ago.

And, for knowing when you''re ready. I think for some people it''s a definite feeling of "now", and others may never have that huge emotional attachment before there''s anything to attach to.

 

[ladypirate]

Also on the age thing, my mother had me (oldest) at 37 and my sisters (identical twins) at 40 and we are all healthy, hearty, hale, all that. Also, she had no problems conceiving--I was created the first month they were TTC--and had us all au naturale with no epidural. O.O Considering I was almost 9 pounds, that must have been something.

Just throwing that out there--35 doesn''t necessarily mean the last possible time for everyone. My mom said she definitely wanted to be done by 40, though, because apparently the risk for downs syndrome goes way up after that. My parents are also young for their age, though--they look like they''re a well-taken-care-of 50 rather than early 60s.

 

[Pandora II]

Post-35 is a risk.

Chances of abnormalities such as Downs Syndrome increase and your chance of conceiving goes down.

Both my GP and a friend who is a gynae have told me that they are seeing more and more women in their 30's who have put kids/marriage on hold for their career and are now having huge problems or have left it too late.

I was prepared to risk it because of my family history (all my female blood-relatives have got PG within 2 months - and all have 3-4 kids) and because I hit puberty very late. My mother was the same and has only just hit the menopause at 58.

With the celebrities, there is no way of knowing if they conceived naturally or though IVF or similar.

I'm trying for the first this autumn when I will be 36, but I do know that I will be medically considered to be past my prime!

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 4/9/2008 11:05:27 PM
Author: LitigatorChick

Date: 4/9/2008 7:47:53 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
I have a question. Dont mean to threadjack.......My boyfriend recently told me that chances of having ''problems'' start after the age of 32. Is that true because a lot of celebrities are sure having kids when the are 40 with no problems. Not sure yet if we would want kids because we talk about how we don''t want ''em but then we talk about ''if we had kids'' but if I did, I wouldn''t want them until 39. HA! I told him but we are turning 27 and aren''t married yet. I know I want to be married for quite some time before if at all I did have kids. I surely know I DON''T want kids before 32.

Threadjacking over....

My doc said to have my family done by 35. I think that is the magic age where risks for complications start to arise.

Certainly people do have healthy pregnancies in their 40s, but as LC said, 35 is generally considered the "magic age" in the medical world. You are considered "advanced material age" or even a "geriatric pregnancy" if you will be 35 or older when you deliver the baby, and risks of various complications increase dramatically at that point. Down Syndrome is one potential complication... the odds of Down Syndrome based on maternal age at birth are: At age 30 (1 in 759), age 35 (1 in 302), age 40 (1 in 82). But other increased risks include miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, placental abruption, placenta previa, premature birth and stillbirth.

Again, doesn''t mean every 35 year old pregnant woman will have all these things, just means her odds of facing them are significantly higher, compared to a 25 year old.