How did you know when you were ready to have kids?

[jas]

As an "elderly preggo" with twins (first pregnancy) at 35, I can say we realized we were "ready" for kids when the test came out positive.

Seriously, we''re scared, but nature has given us nine months to let our over-thinking brains grapple this marvelous upset in our lives.

While 35 is the "magic age," I strongly recommend reading up on the subject. Many doctors will say they would rather care for a 35 (or 40) year old pregnant lady who takes care of herself before and during pregnancy than a 20-something pregnant woman who doesn''t. There are a lot of factors involved. I particularly love the book Your Over-35 Week-by-Week Pregnancy Guide. However, there are a lot of websites devoted to this topic.

Research is king.

Also, and I have no data or science to back this up, but I was on the pill for a gazillion years. In my own mind, this gave me a little wiggle room with saved-up eggs. Again, that''s MY crazy opinion. (And apparently the saved-up eggs couldn''t wait to come shooting out two at a time!)

 

[bem3231]

Also, and I have no data or science to back this up, but I was on the pill for a gazillion years. In my own mind, this gave me a little wiggle room with saved-up eggs. Again, that''s MY crazy opinion. (And apparently the saved-up eggs couldn''t wait to come shooting out two at a time!)

I''ve been reading this thread with some interest, as we will start trying to get PG probably a month or so after our July wedding. I''ll be 36 and DF will be 41 in September.

I actually asked two doctors about this ''saved egg'' theory, which I myself had constructed in my head to make myself feel better about the risks of later-in-life fertility and childbearing. Unfortunately, there is no basis to our theory, jas!

It''s not the number of eggs that are a problem, it''s the age of the eggs. Beh.

I am having particular ''issues'' with the whole ''being ready'' thing these days. I''ve never doubted that I wanted kids, but now we''re sort of at the point where we can''t afford to wait too long. Or, rather, the way that I feel is that knowing that DF and I both definitely want kids, it seems irresponsible for us to wait too long once we''re married and have no excuses! That sort of makes me sad because I''d really love some time to just enjoy being married, but given that the older we get the longer it may take us to get pregnant, it seems to make sense to start trying right away.

My mother had me when she was 42, so it is absolutely possible to have healthy children later in life, but the risks go way up. Also, my mom had two miscarriages and a stillborn child prior to having me, which surely was very, very difficult for both her and my dad. I totally agree that gaging what''s healthy or normal based on celebrities having babies is not reliable - they have the means and access to all kinds of technologies, and we never know exactly what went into conceiving their children.

Another issue that''s not spoken about much, but that there is mounting evidence on, is risks associated with men fathering children past 40. Risks for all kinds of stuff - autism is the one that stands out for me because I have an autistic nephew - increase dramatically as men age, too.

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 4/9/2008 11:05:27 PM
Author: LitigatorChick

Date: 4/9/2008 7:47:53 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
I have a question. Dont mean to threadjack.......My boyfriend recently told me that chances of having 'problems' start after the age of 32. Is that true because a lot of celebrities are sure having kids when the are 40 with no problems. Not sure yet if we would want kids because we talk about how we don't want 'em but then we talk about 'if we had kids' but if I did, I wouldn't want them until 39. HA! I told him but we are turning 27 and aren't married yet. I know I want to be married for quite some time before if at all I did have kids. I surely know I DON'T want kids before 32.

Threadjacking over....

My doc said to have my family done by 35. I think that is the magic age where risks for complications start to arise.

I had my first gorgeous healthy baby at 36 and am pregnant again at 37. Don't believe the hype. Nothing magically happens at 35, the risk factor does increase while fertility can decrease but it's not a guarantee that it will happen when you hit a certain age. It's just that "older" women are monitored more closely so there is more statistical data. You can have problems at ANY age.

And to answer the original question, I don't think anyone is ever really ready to have children! You just have to be sure that you have the majority of things checked off your list but I don't think there is ever a perfect time or age to do it.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 4/10/2008 12:11:21 PM
Author: curlygirl

Date: 4/9/2008 11:05:27 PM
Author: LitigatorChick

Date: 4/9/2008 7:47:53 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
I have a question. Dont mean to threadjack.......My boyfriend recently told me that chances of having ''problems'' start after the age of 32. Is that true because a lot of celebrities are sure having kids when the are 40 with no problems. Not sure yet if we would want kids because we talk about how we don''t want ''em but then we talk about ''if we had kids'' but if I did, I wouldn''t want them until 39. HA! I told him but we are turning 27 and aren''t married yet. I know I want to be married for quite some time before if at all I did have kids. I surely know I DON''T want kids before 32.

Threadjacking over....

My doc said to have my family done by 35. I think that is the magic age where risks for complications start to arise.

I had my first gorgeous healthy baby at 36 and am pregnant again at 37. Don''t believe the hype. Nothing magically happens at 35, the risk factor does increase while fertility can decrease but it''s not a guarantee that it will happen when you hit a certain age. It''s just that ''older'' women are monitored more closely so there is more statistical data. You can have problems at ANY age.

HI:

Really, and I always thought epidemology was rather an exacting science and course of study......

cheers--Sharon

 

[LitigatorChick]

Canuk, I had to look up your big word. Us lawyer folk don''t talk like that!

It''s all just another factor to toss into the mix. But I do think a lot of people treat it a little too lightly. I know lots of women who never even thought that it would be a problem to have a baby in their 40s and oops - they had problems conceiving, etc.. Just something to be aware of. On the flip side, I don''t think a "ticking clock" toward 35 is the reason to start breedin'', if you aren''t there emotionally, physically, financially, etc.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Wow, thanks everyone. That all kind of scares me a little. ha! Maybe because Im not even married yet. Well, at least I know now and Im going to tell my SO all about this. I thought when he said by 32 sounded a little too early to be having "problems." At least that part makes me feel better. Because I was thinking my god if I got married right before I turned 30, then I wouldn't have long if I was to have kids at all....I think I'll have plenty of time then to think about it

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Glad this thread was posted Dreamer - I''ve been wondering the same.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 4/10/2008 12:31:38 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Wow, thanks everyone. That all kind of scares me a little. ha! Maybe because Im not even married yet. Well, at least I know now and Im going to tell my SO all about this. I thought when he said by 32 sounded a little too early to be having ''problems.'' At least that part makes me feel better. Because I was thinking my god if I got married right before I turned 30, then I wouldn''t have long if I was to have kids at all....I think I''ll have plenty of time then to think about it

I''d talk to your family doctor and get his/her opinion on the issue, with the particular focus on your medical situation and family history - that should help put your mind at ease or let you know what your real "time frames" are to get pregnant.

 

[bem3231]

Date: 4/10/2008 12:29:39 PM
Author: LitigatorChick

It''s all just another factor to toss into the mix. But I do think a lot of people treat it a little too lightly. I know lots of women who never even thought that it would be a problem to have a baby in their 40s and oops - they had problems conceiving, etc.. Just something to be aware of. On the flip side, I don''t think a ''ticking clock'' toward 35 is the reason to start breedin'', if you aren''t there emotionally, physically, financially, etc.

I totally agree, LC.

I don''t know if this will be helpful or not, but being as we''re on the subject I''ll mention it. One of my best friends was a very successful news anchor with NBC in the US. She did a special report on fertility a couple of years ago and as a part of that interviewed some of the leading fertility and reproductive technology experts in the US. ''Off camera'' she asked the top expert what his advice was in terms of age of conception, as she was wanting this information for herself. He told her that if she knew for sure that she wanted children that he would not recommend that she wait "a day past 37" (to quote).

 

[MustangGal]

We just started trying in January also. I don''t know that I''m necessarily "ready", since I still don''t really have the urge, but we talked it over, and my hubby pointed out that if it doesn''t happen, he''s OK with it, but he doesn''t want to look back at his life and regret not trying.

Since we got married young, 21 and 22, we kept doiing the "later, we''ve got time" speach. Then 2 years ago when SIL and BIL started tring we decided it was time to sit down and figure out when "later" really was. We set a few goals, have so much in savings, make so much more a year, and to go on one last good vacation. We hit all those goals last April, and then I did one more trip in August with my mom and sister, and went off the pill. I''m a planner, so it was nice to have goals and meet them before we started. We''re now 3 months into TTC with no luck, but I think we''re as ready as we''ll ever be.

We''ve been married 6 1/2 years, togerther almost 12 years, and we''re 28 and 29 now, so we''re stable but still on the younger side. We''re going to give it a year, and if nothing happends just move on with life. We both agreed no fertility drugs or adoption, so we''ll see what nature has planned for us.

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 4/10/2008 12:20:28 PM
Author: canuk-gal

Date: 4/10/2008 12:11:21 PM
Author: curlygirl

Date: 4/9/2008 11:05:27 PM
Author: LitigatorChick

Date: 4/9/2008 7:47:53 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
I have a question. Dont mean to threadjack.......My boyfriend recently told me that chances of having ''problems'' start after the age of 32. Is that true because a lot of celebrities are sure having kids when the are 40 with no problems. Not sure yet if we would want kids because we talk about how we don''t want ''em but then we talk about ''if we had kids'' but if I did, I wouldn''t want them until 39. HA! I told him but we are turning 27 and aren''t married yet. I know I want to be married for quite some time before if at all I did have kids. I surely know I DON''T want kids before 32.

Threadjacking over....

My doc said to have my family done by 35. I think that is the magic age where risks for complications start to arise.

I had my first gorgeous healthy baby at 36 and am pregnant again at 37. Don''t believe the hype. Nothing magically happens at 35, the risk factor does increase while fertility can decrease but it''s not a guarantee that it will happen when you hit a certain age. It''s just that ''older'' women are monitored more closely so there is more statistical data. You can have problems at ANY age.

HI:

Really, and I always thought epidemology was rather an exacting science and course of study......

cheers--Sharon

I have no idea what epidemology is and couldn''t find it in the dictionary! Perhaps I was too flippant but I meant that on the day you turn 35, you don''t automatically become infertile or genetically imbalance. I said that the risk factor does increase but as someone who is going through this for the 2nd time at advanced maternal age, I have done research and have learned that there are risks at any age and while they are greater as you get older, there is also more data about older women because they are watched more closely so that makes it seem like 25 year old girls don''t have any problems getting pregnant or don''t have children with special needs. I think we all know that''s not true. Maybe I''m jaded because I live in NYC and most people aren''t even getting married until they are well into their 30s so having children a bit later doesn''t seem like a huge issue. I''m going to step out of this now--it hits too close to home and I''m too hormonal!

 

[gwendolyn]

See, this is where I end up feeling like I''m some sort of freak. I love kids--am naturally good with them as a teacher, and I''ve had tons of people tell me I will make a great mom someday. But...I''ve never felt any sort of urge to have kids, and sort of lean away from having them if I''m honest. J is very much into the idea of having a family, so I''m entertaining the idea more than I ever had before, but I still just don''t really want to have them. But I love them, and really enjoy them in school! So, I feel weird.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Gwen lots of people feel like you do, it isn''t wierd, there''s lots here on PS! If you BF/FFI does want kids, though, it is something you will need to talk about before you get married for sure.

Re: the issue of epidemiology (I think canuk had a typo which is why you couldn''t find it in the dictionary: "the branch of medicine dealing with the incidence and prevalence of disease in large populations") the problem with the numbers is that the questions being asked can also be biased (e.g., more research on older moms), the data can sometimes not account for all the factors (e.g., if a woman didn''t start trying until she was 35, how do we know if she would have had problems earlier?) and most importantly, you cannot predict an individual''s specific odds from population stats. So everyone is right

The odds get worse on the whole after 35, and also lots of people get preggers no probs after 35. Stats are so helpful eh?? Hee hee I try not to think about that as I use stats on a daily basis and base my career on them!

I sometimes wonder if the media and political attention and interpretation of the stats is another way of compelling women to stay at home and not pursue careers (Career women, you shall be baren!!), but that is a whole ''nother topic!

Thanks everyone for your experiences, it has been really helpful and interesting! Keep ''em coming!

DD

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 4/10/2008 4:00:09 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Gwen lots of people feel like you do, it isn''t wierd, there''s lots here on PS! If you BF/FFI does want kids, though, it is something you will need to talk about before you get married for sure.

Oh, we have talked about it heaps. I almost broke up with him once because I said it wasn''t fair to him if I didn''t think I wanted to but knew he really did, and he said he didn''t want to have kids with anyone else--if he was going to be a father, it was going to be with our kids. He''s very sweet about it, which makes me really want to feel differently about it, but I can''t force myself. I just turned 30 last month, so we still have a bit of time to settle down together and see how we feel--our lives are in complete upheaval and will be that way until we get through all the immigration paperwork and get married. I''m worried about us supporting ourselves, so maybe when that isn''t such a concern, I won''t feel so apprehensive about having kids. Dunno, will have to wait and see.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 4/10/2008 4:05:36 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 4/10/2008 4:00:09 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Gwen lots of people feel like you do, it isn''t wierd, there''s lots here on PS! If you BF/FFI does want kids, though, it is something you will need to talk about before you get married for sure.

Oh, we have talked about it heaps. I almost broke up with him once because I said it wasn''t fair to him if I didn''t think I wanted to but knew he really did, and he said he didn''t want to have kids with anyone else--if he was going to be a father, it was going to be with our kids. He''s very sweet about it, which makes me really want to feel differently about it, but I can''t force myself. I just turned 30 last month, so we still have a bit of time to settle down together and see how we feel--our lives are in complete upheaval and will be that way until we get through all the immigration paperwork and get married. I''m worried about us supporting ourselves, so maybe when that isn''t such a concern, I won''t feel so apprehensive about having kids. Dunno, will have to wait and see.

Gwen, Thats good your talked about it...If you don''t mind me asking, who''s immigrating where? I haven''t seen any of your other posts about this...

DD

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 4/10/2008 4:09:17 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Gwen, Thats good your talked about it...If you don't mind me asking, who's immigrating where? I haven't seen any of your other posts about this...


DD

I don't know yet, honestly. For the next year, we'll probably be in the UK because it would be almost impossible for J to get a work visa in the states (and I am eligible for the International Graduates Scheme which is a year of work permission in the UK to any international student graduating from a UK university), but I'm not sure if we'll end up settling back in the US or just stay in the UK once we sort through all the obstacles in our way before we get married (and before both our governments legally recognize our marriage and grant us the rights that come along with it). So, the short answer is that about 6 months from now, I'll hopefully have an answer to your question.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 4/10/2008 11:10:06 AM
Author: bem3231



I''ve been reading this thread with some interest, as we will start trying to get PG probably a month or so after our July wedding. I''ll be 36 and DF will be 41 in September.

LOL, I have a feeling we are both same age, same wedding day, same TTC plans...

I''ll see you over on the TTC thread in September then...

 

[bem3231]

Date: 4/10/2008 6:54:22 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 4/10/2008 11:10:06 AM

Author: bem3231




I''ve been reading this thread with some interest, as we will start trying to get PG probably a month or so after our July wedding. I''ll be 36 and DF will be 41 in September.

LOL, I have a feeling we are both same age, same wedding day, same TTC plans...


I''ll see you over on the TTC thread in September then...

I was thinking the exact same thing when reading your posts, Pandora!!

 

[jas]

Date: 4/10/2008 11:10:06 AM
Author: bem3231

I actually asked two doctors about this ''saved egg'' theory, which I myself had constructed in my head to make myself feel better about the risks of later-in-life fertility and childbearing. Unfortunately, there is no basis to our theory, jas!

It''s not the number of eggs that are a problem, it''s the age of the eggs. Beh.

Bem, ah science. Yeah, I figured it was something like that, but I still wanna believe my eggs are immature. In fact, some of them are throwing a temper tantrum as we speak.

 

[Sha]

Date: 4/10/2008 11:10:06 AM
Author: bem3231

Also, and I have no data or science to back this up, but I was on the pill for a gazillion years. In my own mind, this gave me a little wiggle room with saved-up eggs. Again, that''s MY crazy opinion. (And apparently the saved-up eggs couldn''t wait to come shooting out two at a time!)

I''ve been reading this thread with some interest, as we will start trying to get PG probably a month or so after our July wedding. I''ll be 36 and DF will be 41 in September.

I actually asked two doctors about this ''saved egg'' theory, which I myself had constructed in my head to make myself feel better about the risks of later-in-life fertility and childbearing. Unfortunately, there is no basis to our theory, jas!

It''s not the number of eggs that are a problem, it''s the age of the eggs. Beh.

I am having particular ''issues'' with the whole ''being ready'' thing these days. I''ve never doubted that I wanted kids, but now we''re sort of at the point where we can''t afford to wait too long. Or, rather, the way that I feel is that knowing that DF and I both definitely want kids, it seems irresponsible for us to wait too long once we''re married and have no excuses! That sort of makes me sad because I''d really love some time to just enjoy being married, but given that the older we get the longer it may take us to get pregnant, it seems to make sense to start trying right away.

My mother had me when she was 42, so it is absolutely possible to have healthy children later in life, but the risks go way up. Also, my mom had two miscarriages and a stillborn child prior to having me, which surely was very, very difficult for both her and my dad. I totally agree that gaging what''s healthy or normal based on celebrities having babies is not reliable - they have the means and access to all kinds of technologies, and we never know exactly what went into conceiving their children.

Another issue that''s not spoken about much, but that there is mounting evidence on, is risks associated with men fathering children past 40. Risks for all kinds of stuff - autism is the one that stands out for me because I have an autistic nephew - increase dramatically as men age, too.

I know how you feel. I will soon be 32 and my DH will soon be 40. He really wants us to have some time together as a couple. So do I....ideally, but I feel like we dont'' have that much time to get started. I wish we had met each other sooner so that we could be a little bit more relaxed about TTC.

DH will probably be 40 by the time we try. I had heard that Down''s Syndrome risk goes up for dad''s over 40, if the woman''s age is 35 or older. I didn''t know about the autism risk... will look that up.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 4/10/2008 4:00:09 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Re: the issue of epidemiology (I think canuk had a typo which is why you couldn''t find it in the dictionary: ''the branch of medicine dealing with the incidence and prevalence of disease in large populations'') the problem with the numbers is that the questions being asked can also be biased (e.g., more research on older moms), the data can sometimes not account for all the factors (e.g., if a woman didn''t start trying until she was 35, how do we know if she would have had problems earlier?) and most importantly, you cannot predict an individual''s specific odds from population stats. So everyone is right

The odds get worse on the whole after 35, and also lots of people get preggers no probs after 35. Stats are so helpful eh?? Hee hee I try not to think about that as I use stats on a daily basis and base my career on them!

HI:

So sorry for the typo! Of course you are correct DD, b/c to do so would be fallicious (as in ecological fallacy, hope I spelled that right as I am relying heavily on my old memory!), but enough said. We all understand another! Back to our regular programming!

In answer to the original question, in my own case I knew I was ready as we had been married 7 years and honeslty, I thought my marriage was getting very routine and rather boring. Oh we were very busy active people, travelling everywhere, building our equity in our home and bank accounts, but something was definatley missing. Not everything to me was career at that point. So we TTC and I ended up having two miscarriages before getting pregnant and delivering at 33. As it turned out, after one more miscarraige when I was around 35, I realized my son would be my one and only. Now nothing around here is routine or boring! Much better this way! (well, for us anyway)

cheers--Sharon

 

[firebirdgold]

We're only just now starting to want kids, but we're not quite ready yet. We're going to wait 2+ years for me to finish my Master's and hopefully for DH to get Tenure. Neither of us likes children in general, but the idea of of having a kid together makes us all kinda gooey inside.

It's that warm gooey feeling that makes us think we're close to be ready to have kids.

Unfortunately, I'm 35 now and our timeline puts us TTC at my being 38.

I've tried to explain to DH that this will lower our chances and it's not a sure thing that we'll have a kid. He just doesn't get it. I swear he thinks I'll get pregnant the first month! Oh well, I'll worry about it later.

 

[trillionaire]

I have always wanted to adopt! I decided this when I was 12 years old, and have not waivered. Not even a blended family of adopted and bio kids, I just can't imagine having a child when there are children who are unloved and need/want parents. With that being said, I am now 25, selfish, and have a dog. I LOVE my dog, but after raising a puppy, I cannot imagine having a child. CANNOT. I babysat a lot growing up (11-22), so I was never one of those people who had no idea what it would be like to raise a child, so I was never in any rush. I think it would break my poor parents hearts if I never had kids, but BF and I are pretty anti right now. We both agree that 30+ would be a good time, and we both are good with adoption, but honestly, I am afraid that we will never want kids. How do people know? Is my biological clock just going to kick in one day, or what? I could see BF and I years from now, just us and the dog, and happy...

honestly, when I see kids these days, I shake my head and think, cute, but bad idea...

 

[diamondfan]

I think there is not necessarily magic about it. I knew from a young age I wanted kids. Loved them, am great with them, babysat etc...but felt relief when I was young that I could leave! Now, I have three amazing kids, but my nerves are shot. I worry about so much and even worry about worrying when they are grown and I cannot have them in bed down the hall from me at night. (not sure their future wives would love it!)

I think if you start having that internal debate, and it sounds like something that could work, you are on the way. There is never the most perfect time. No one moment where all the i''s are dotted and the t''s crossed. You can always find reasons NOT to. I think, if you keep coming up with rationals etc yet the idea keeps popping up, you are feeling that urge. If you just think, Gosh, NO WAY, probably it is not for you. Of course I know a couple of people who I would say were not maternal at all and found themselves pregnant and having kids has been the most amazing and best thing in their lives. You cannot know that, so if you just really do not have any moments of desire at all, it is likely best not to have them

I feel it is a lifetime job. And sometimes thankless and tough. Your kids can look at you like you suck worse than anything on earth and then ask for a ride to the mall or money to go to the movies. You have to roll with it.

I am also a sleeper. Going with no sleep left my psycho. I frankly trained my kids to sleep in as they got older. On weekends my youngest sleeps til about 9:30 and my oldest two could sleep til ten, my 15 year old has hit noon when he is up late. But, he is in school til 5:30 daily plus has other after school stuff besides sports, and works very hard. He runs 40 miles per week with his team and really does a lot. When friends tell me their kids are up at 6 even on weekends, OMG I would flip out, with my insomnia I would not sleep at all.