How do I get out of feeling bad?

[zhuzhu]

I love my DH to pieces and so does my family, and my family showed it by generously supported us on part of the house payment. However I am just not feeling that I am being received as warmly by his family as I have hoped to be. Granted that they did say "congratulations" when they heard of our wedding last month, nothing more has been done or said after that. Maybe I am just expecting too much? but shouldn''t all parents welcome their new daughter-in-law with open arms and express their welcome via some sort of means? I am not talking about monetary means as I understand everyone has different financial background. but I did not even receive a card.

I complained about it to DH and now I feel bad about it because I know I made him feel bad. I don''t want him to feel that he is caught in the middle, but since he is my best friend who else can I talk to about my distress? Anyone else has experienced similar situation?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

There is a reason there are so many jokes about bad inlaws. In the marriages I know, about half the inlaws are either not thrilled about the relationship or don''t think the SO is good enough, etc. I can only think of a handful of cases where the SO was completely accepted as one of the family and these are all strong marriages. I just don''t think it happens all that often.

My FMIL is a nightmare, so frankly even having a congratulations would be amazing for me. We are less than 6 months from the wedding and our parents haven''t met because his mother is such a fright.

 

[nclrgirl]

zhuzhu, This really stinks that you''re going through this. You''re not alone. I wish that people could see that you make your DH happy and accept you for that, if not for all of your other wonderful qualities. Sending hugs your way!

 

[coatimundi_org]

ZhuZhu, I''m sorry you''re going through this. I completely understand.

My hubby''s parents are great, but his sister is another story. They used to be very close, but she has gone out of her way to make me feel unwelcome. She told me that I was not allowed to have children, because we have to help her raise her son. Crazy! She''s the big matriarch of the family, so she basically runs the show.
We''re expected to be there for her during every and any event. We have tried to be there for her as much as we can, but we have our own life!

Anyway, she didn''t acknowledge our marriage. No call. No card. Nothing. We''ve tried to call her, but she won''t answer our calls. We''ve just stopped trying, and frankly, I''m annoyed at myself for trying so hard in the first place!

I''m sorry that your husband''s family did not receive you as warmly as you''ve hoped.
Sounds like your own family is great.
I hope your situation gets better, and Congratulations on your marriage!

 

[Clio]

Now of course, I''m not there so I don''t know all of the details, but I would recommend that you give them the benefit of the doubt. It may be that by congratulating you on your marriage, they were welcoming you into the family. Some people are more reserved (because of personality, culture, whatever) and a simple congratulations may mean a great deal coming from them.

Again, I don''t know the situation or your in-laws, but it is one possibility to consider.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 4/15/2008 5:39:32 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
There is a reason there are so many jokes about bad inlaws. In the marriages I know, about half the inlaws are either not thrilled about the relationship or don''t think the SO is good enough, etc. I can only think of a handful of cases where the SO was completely accepted as one of the family and these are all strong marriages. I just don''t think it happens all that often.

My FMIL is a nightmare, so frankly even having a congratulations would be amazing for me. We are less than 6 months from the wedding and our parents haven''t met because his mother is such a fright.

Same thing for us (FMIL is a nightmare and our parents haven''t met). We didn''t get a congratulations when we got engaged and I''m a little concerned about what will happen on the wedding...

I''m sorry it''s happening to you, zhuzhu, and remember that you''re not alone.

 

[ksinger]

Perhaps you DH''s parents aren''t even demonstrative with HIM, did you ever think of that? Some families aren''t close at all, and you may just be seeing it. It may not have anything to do with you personally. I don''t know the full situation, but his family dynamic could be part of the issue.

Just a thought

 

[Kay]

That''s rough, Zhu. I have had a rocky relationship with my in-laws since DH and I started dating. It is definitely better than it used to be. They were very congratulatory about our wedding and helped with details, but I found out later from DH that his mom took him aside a few days before the wedding and asked him if he was sure he wanted to go through with it!

Maybe your DH''s family is just reserved? Or maybe they felt surprised/hurt/left-out that you had a quick wedding with just the 2 of you rather than a larger family wedding to which they were invited?

 

[Elmorton]

Zhu, could it be that they're upset that you had a private wedding? DH and I discussed doing a destination wedding several times with family and for some reason, it really upset people, especially my grandparents. My cousin eloped (planned way ahead of time) in Vegas (on her 3rd marriage - she'd had two very large weddings for her previous marriages and wanted anything but that). I think my grandparents were hurt though that they weren't included. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why it's SUCH a big deal (you're just as married when you return!), but apparently, it's a hot button issue for some people.

I do agree also that not all inlaws are the same and don't think in the same ways or support a couple in the same ways. My parents are very different from my inlaws and it took me awhile to get used to that. My inlaws are really two extremes, too - my MIL and I are really close and have been pretty much since we met, and while I know my FIL and my SMIL love me and DH very much, it's just not the same relationship. With them, things are a lot more formal and guarded, and we always have to watch what we do and say, since they are somewhat sensitive about certain subjects. Sometimes I have a hard time with that, but it's just trial and error - which is how it will be, cuz um...they're kinda stuck with me.

 

[movie zombie]

we not only didn''t receive cards from hubby''s side of the family.......my mil said on the phone . actually, i think i love him MORE than they do but that''s a long story.

movie zombie

ps live your life. don''t dwell on it. its their problem and their loss. you have nothing to feel bad about. you''re married and starting out together. you and only you are in control of your emotions. see a counselor if you must. but the time you spend feeling bad about this is time wasted.

 

[zhuzhu]

Thanks so much for your caring words and sharing of your experience. I think it is prob true that DH's family are still taking time to have the marriage news "sunk in".

I am surprised to hear how common it is to not have your in-laws love you (or pretend to love you) upon marriage. Do they not know that it is ultimately their own child suffering because the child has to "chose" which side to side with?

I feel better already as it is prob true that my in-laws need time to "get it", in fact they have not even seen us since we got married on 3/28.

Thanks for all your thoughtful words!

 

[pennquaker09]

I don''t have any advice, but I want to say that I hope they come around.

 

[D2B]

HI

I guess without knowing any other history, what you have written doesnt seem negative. They have said congratulations, and for mnay families I know of, that is as far as they go expressing these sort of things. additional guestures eg welcome card, celebration dinner wouldnt be thought off. we only had verbal congratulations and I never thought anything off it. the real test in the long term is how they treat you both as a couple and individually, with respect and love IYKWIM.

Gifts can be given, parties held, family money passed down etc, but love and respect may stilll be lacking (in fact sometimes it can be used to try and control adult children).

If they treat you with love and respect on a daily basis, just accept that everyone shows their feelings differently. It is their day to day actions that count. some peoples appreciation is shown more quietly eg my MIL picking up a book she knows I liked when she saw it (she would never in a million years I think actually tell me she loves me or likes me verbally - that is just not her style).

Best of luck,
PB

 

[D2B]

Just adding, that afterthinking about it a bit more, I guess if you expect your IL to be and act like your family you will be setting yourself up for trouble emotionally. My family and my IL are very different emotionally and practically and how they show affection etc. You need to let go of expectations and placing these onto them, in a way it isnt fair to them. As long as they love and respect you in their own way. Hope you know what I mean.

D2B

(dont know what buttons I pressed when I signed off earlier - but PB was me, D2B

)

 

[bee*]

sorry to hear that you''re not feeling totally welcomed. Perhaps as someone else has mentioned, they''re just not that type of family.

 

[Sabine]

I''m so sorry you are feeling down! IL''s can be tricky. Is it possible that they are still getting used to the idea that their son is married? Or the shock that they weren''t there (you two eloped, right?) Altough it stinks, the best advice I can give is just to give it time, and to maybe adjust your expectations. It really stinks that they aren''t welcoming you with open arms, but it doesn''t sound like they are being horrible either. That''s exactly how my FIL''s are too, and it can be really hurtful. I expected to be welcomed as part of the family, and while I''m invited to all family events and treated perfectly nicely, they just don''t go out of their way to get to know me or make me feel part of their family. I''ve gone out of my way to try to help them get to know me, but I don''t want to be too overbearing either, so I''ve kinda just excepted that we aren''t going to have the close relationship I dreamed of.

 

[LegacyGirl]

I''m sorry you feel that way op. I know its a bad feeling to have. It''s situations like this that make me glad my FMIL and FFIL don''t speak English

 

[lyra]

My husband's brother got married one year before us. So I got to actually hear the words they said to my SIL, which were "Welcome to the family!". We got married the next year. No welcome for me, none. They've never said they loved *me* in 25 years. They love my kids to pieces. They love our *dogs*! I guess it's just the way some people are, I don't know. Maybe they even thought my SIL needed to hear those words and I didn't or something, who knows. I do know one thing though, when my daughters get married, I'm definitely going to make a point of welcoming the husbands into the family formally, with a big hug! And I will tell them I love them too.

 

[mimzy]

i''m sorry they are being this way but at least you know that you aren''t alone!!

it took my FFIL two months to say ''congratulations'' when we got engaged (FI still lives with him at home), and still says some rather rude things like "you aren''t really getting married, are you?" and "you two are making a mistake". Last nite i actually had to talk to FI about it because within 30 minutes he made at least 5 comments like that while i was over there. granted he is unhappy in his own marriage so i''m sure it''s coming from that, but it still is hurtful somtimes (and pretty obnoxious). i generally am pretty good at ignoring it and it doesn''t usually bother me, but i have a feeling one day i am just going to let him have it

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 4/18/2008 12:36:44 PM
Author: LegacyGirl
I''m sorry you feel that way op. I know its a bad feeling to have. It''s situations like this that make me glad my FMIL and FFIL don''t speak English

HAHAHA! thats funny.

Actually I think my MIL is really cool and supportive. My FIL (they are divorced and remarried) is very conservative and I don''t think he and his wife are as welcoming of me. They are prob worry about my DH as he is selling his house and move from east coast to west coast to start a life with me. A big change for anyone. What I hope they understand soon is that changes can be good, especially if it begins with a wife who loves him with all her heart!

 

[Independent Gal]

Legacy, I''m with you. My IL''s and I aren''t fluent in each others'' languages either, so that certainly helps!

Zhuzhu, so sorry to hear this is difficult! I hope things improve.

 

[LittleRock]

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, BUT congratulations on your new marriage and the new life your starting together with your honey. My DH has always had a strangled, (couldn''t think of a better word) relationship with his family. He''s basically been on his own since he was 17/18 yrs. old. Although, his family was apart of our wedding and I thought I would be the bridge that would gap the hole in their relationship.....it didn''t work out like that. And now just about 12 years later they haven''t been apart of our lives the whole time. I can actually say that I think if they were more involved things could have been difficult for me and my DH, my DH was estranged from them for good reason in the beginning and I support whatever decision he makes regarding wanting to be in touch with them or not. Like I said I don''t know them, and I wish things could have been different but this is our life.

Now, I know your DH is in touch with his family, but don''t take it personal. I still feel emotional about DH''s family. That''s not how I was raised and we have a very close relationship with my family. Your DH picked you with good reason to marry and loves you, if they can''t see or want to be apart of that, that is their problem. Go on and make a wonderful new life with your DH, that''s really all that matters

 

[diamondseeker2006]

As a parent, I wouldn''t be overly thrilled to hear the news that my child had married after the fact. They might hear congratulations and that''s it from me, too! (Sorry, but that is the mother in me coming out!)

I don''t think you should feel bad as you two really made this choice to do things your way...which is certainly your right. But don''t be surprised that some people would be hurt or less than thrilled about not being included in what is usually a special family event. You may need to be patient and give them some time to get over it.

 

[firebirdgold]

Some families are just like that, it doesn''t mean they aren''t happy you''re a part of their family. Mine''s like that too, but they really are thrilled with DH. I was surprised when all of DH''s family sent us cards and presents. I was overwhelmed with shock when they sent us first year anniversary cards and gifts! And I have to say it''s very embarrassing that not even my immediate family thought to send us a card, and it took months and months for anyone to give us a gift from my side of the family.

So as I said, a lack of cards/gifts and other physical signs does not mean they don''t love you and and are glad you''re their daughter-in-law.

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 4/19/2008 1:23:44 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
As a parent, I wouldn''t be overly thrilled to hear the news that my child had married after the fact. They might hear congratulations and that''s it from me, too! (Sorry, but that is the mother in me coming out!)


I don''t think you should feel bad as you two really made this choice to do things your way...which is certainly your right. But don''t be surprised that some people would be hurt or less than thrilled about not being included in what is usually a special family event. You may need to be patient and give them some time to get over it.

Diamondseeker,
May I ask why parents do not usually like to hear of the marriage after the fact? We actually have really good reason (financial reason) for doing it the way we did. We offered to host the reception later in the year after we have moved into our new house (the most costly expense of our life!)and its not like we included one family and left the other out. Could you help me understand how parents think and why?

 

[miraclesrule]

Date: 4/20/2008 9:10:06 PM
Author: zhuzhu

Date: 4/19/2008 1:23:44 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
As a parent, I wouldn''t be overly thrilled to hear the news that my child had married after the fact. They might hear congratulations and that''s it from me, too! (Sorry, but that is the mother in me coming out!)


I don''t think you should feel bad as you two really made this choice to do things your way...which is certainly your right. But don''t be surprised that some people would be hurt or less than thrilled about not being included in what is usually a special family event. You may need to be patient and give them some time to get over it.

Diamondseeker,
May I ask why parents do not usually like to hear of the marriage after the fact? We actually have really good reason (financial reason) for doing it the way we did. We offered to host the reception later in the year after we have moved into our new house (the most costly expense of our life!)and its not like we included one family and left the other out. Could you help me understand how parents think and why?

Hi Zhuzhu~

I''m not diamondseeker but I am a MOB helping my daughter plan her wedding. I have to say that if she would have gone off and not even told me she was getting married, I would want to choke her.

I would also, rightly or wrongly, blame her new husband for the fact that my child didn''t inform me of their intentions.

I would be adamant that my child would not have done that if it weren''t for so and so...no way, she would never diss me like that. <----- you get the picture.

OMG, that sounds so bad. But it''s true. I would feel so slighted, so ignored, so ... unvalued, I guess it the word. I would take it as a sign of disrespect. There are just certain things you don''t plan as a surprise and expect a hearty slap on the back. Marriage is one of them.

I suspect the in-laws, mother in particular, is feeling a little too shocked and not awed, at the fact that you and her son ran off without even telling her. This all assumes that this is what you two did. If you didn''t...dang, I just wasted a lot of typing.

But I don''t think the damage is irreparable. Heck, I told my daughter I would pay her to elope.

I told her I would even buy the entire registry for her. (Thank gawd they don''t usually have big ticket items like a dining set). At this point, I think she wishes she had eloped...but I digress.

I could understand not telling them if your FI hasn''t had contact with his parents in years and years and years and didn''t anticipate any contact with them and his telling them that you got married was just to exercise some independence and/or intended to spite. But it sounds like you two are in contact with the parents, so that doesn''t appear to be the case.

I''m curious, did you tell your parents what you were going to do (assuming they are alive and well, and I''m so sorry if they aren''t)? If so, I would also wonder why they were told and DH''s parents weren''t.

See, here I am, sitting her soaking my feet after walking around all day and blabbing my mouth off when I don''t even know the whole story. I''m sorry, I am probably not helping.

If you told the parents beforehand, of the many good reasons why you were planning to go off and do the wedding the way you did, then dealing with it is their issue and not yours. If you didn''t tell them until afterward, you have to shift into damage control mode. Sorry, it''s the Mom thing, and nobody can explain the Mom thing until one becomes a Mom and then there is no need to explain.

If you clarify some of the above and provide more detail, I can make more specific recommendations for damage control. It''s what I do best.

I just hate to see you so sad, when you should be relishing in your new life with your love.

 

[Fly Girl]

Oh, I would be sooooo pissed if one of my kids ran off and got married and didn''t tell me until afterwards. I love my children dearly, and weddings (particularly if it is a first marriage) are just one of those things that families like to attend. I honestly don''t think that any of my kids would do that, but who knows?

Anyhow, without knowing more, I''d have to say that it might take some time for them to warm up to the situation and accept you. I expect that they were very hurt to not know about your wedding until afterwards. Expecting them to welcome you with open arms right away...I can understand how that might not happen. Best to give them some more time and let them get to know you better.

Once you have children of your own, you will probably understand better.

 

[zhuzhu]

We have been engaged for 4 months and I got along fine with his parents. The 2 of us actually did not even decide ourselves until one day before (seriously). The reason is that we did not expect the house negotiation to end so quickly and needing contract signing so soon. We decided to get the legal work out of the way before signing and were just going to get a marriage certificate, but luckily ended up with a very private AND beautiful outdoor ceremony outside the city hall. As many of you know, purchasing a property together as married couple has different tax and paperwork implications compared to purchase as two unmarried individuals. It was a decision based on practical and economical consideration, and we really did not have time to "shock" them with the news a day before.

Maybe we did not do it the "best way possible", but it was the best we could given the timing and situation. I just hope that when we host the reception later this year they will come to accept and be more understanding of us.

 

[vslover]

Oooh...as a mom of a son, I''d be devastated not to be there when he got married. That could be a wound that will take a while to heal.

 

[miraclesrule]

Date: 4/20/2008 11:01:22 PM
Author: zhuzhu
We have been engaged for 4 months and I got along fine with his parents. The 2 of us actually did not even decide ourselves until one day before (seriously). The reason is that we did not expect the house negotiation to end so quickly and needing contract signing so soon. We decided to get the legal work out of the way before signing and were just going to get a marriage certificate, but luckily ended up with a very private AND beautiful outdoor ceremony outside the city hall. As many of you know, purchasing a property together as married couple has different tax and paperwork implications compared to purchase as two unmarried individuals. It was a decision based on practical and economical consideration, and we really did not have time to ''shock'' them with the news a day before.

Maybe we did not do it the ''best way possible'', but it was the best we could given the timing and situation. I just hope that when we host the reception later this year they will come to accept and be more understanding of us.

((((((zhuzhu)))))<---------big hugs

Okay, let''s see. I''m a loss prevention person by nature. If one can''t control the loss/damage, one has to migitate the loss/damage. But please remember this quote for the future "A good preventer never knows how much bad they have prevented"....and that is good!!

This is one of those situations where a good bit of remorse and humor come in handy. First, try try try to emphatize with her situation. I know this is hard because you aren''t a Mom so understanding through experience is impossible. You may not be able to truly express your understanding until and or unless you become a Mom, but there is bright side. That is where humor will come in handy.

Personally if I were you I would acknowledge the "elephant in the room", so to speak. Tell her that you can imagine how hurt and sad that she might be at the fact that she didn''t know beforehand. Tell her that you didn''t know either, that it was an impulsive decision based on your ignorance of how fast the closing on the property would be and the monetary ramifications and that you were in a crazy haze and the victim of love and legality.

Then list off all the drama and stress you saved her from:
1. No haggling over venues.
2. No endless floral and photographer quotes that made her faint.
3. No guestlist haggling and paying for people she probably didn''t want to spend a night with anyway.
4. She didn''t have to contribute for the wedding, so she could save it for her grandchild (assuming you want kids) You can even joke with her that you sooooooooo won''t be able to hide that from her. Big Baby Bumps...

5. Tell her it was sort of like ripping off the bandage instead of peeling it off slowly.( Mommy speak) Painful at first, but less duration..
6. Personally, I would beg for her forgiveness.

7. I would also toss in a funny little "It''s your fault MIL, if you wouldn''t have had such a wonderful son, I wouldn''t be so crazy in love, dammit!!" Oh, and thanking her for having him might help too!
You might have to wait a bit before you toss in that last one...let her warm up first. Take her temperature first (More Mommy Speak).

When she tells you that both of you could have picked up the phone and called her to tell her your plans as you went to the service...tell her she is right. Tell her that you have no legitimate excuse and that you aren''t even going to try to make some lame thing up. Tel her that you know better now, because the last thing in the world you ever meant to do, was to have her feel the way she feels about the situation. You can even tell her it is keeping you awake at night. Then refer her to number 7.

But please know that at some point, you have to accept some responsibility for what you could have done differently.

Ask her if she would like to help you plan the reception/party and how much it would mean to you if she did. That you understand if she needs some time to consider this, but to please let you know if she wants to and that you would gladly welcome her assistance, because as she can see, you are learning as you go <------- you don''t have to do this one, if you really don''t want her assistance, but it might go a long way toward letting her be part of the festivities, if she really wants to.

I get the sense that her accepting you is important to you. If it wasn''t you, wouldn''t be feeling this way, and you wouldn''t have posted this thread. So I am assuming that you want to make peace with her and I just know that you will see that it will be worth it in the end. Unless she is just a plain loon, I am certain that she wants it too. Take that step. I don''t think you will regret it.

That''s my quick, not really thought out two cents, which is only worth...maybe two cents. Perhaps some of the other Moms have better advice. You can make this better. You''ll see. I lnow you will do it. But do it soon.