How do you cope with holiday stress?

[zhuzhu]

I always thought of winter holiday season as a time to unwind the stress of the year. However it seems to me that the holidays just bring out more stress, especially for women of the family!

Isn't it kind of counter-intuitive? What can we do to avoid stress at this special time of the year? Any tips you would share with the rest of us?

 

[kenny]

We expect too much.

Just flip a switch in your brain right now and bring expectations closer to what is realistic.

 

[zhuzhu]

Bring expectations closer to what is possible.

I agree with you Kenny. I also think that being in a season where everyone is in a "holiday mood" is a source of stress itself. Everyone is talking about gift buying, baking, decorating, travels.... what if they are not your "things"? what if your or your family need a little space from the big gatherings? How to prevent being hurt of hurt others' feelings? The external pressure can really create internal stress!

I think I will stock up on bubble bath product to relax....

 

[kenny]

Bring expectations closer to what is possible.

I agree with you Kenny. I also think that being in a season where everyone is in a "holiday mood" is a source of stress itself. Everyone is talking about gift buying, baking, decorating, travels.... what if they are not your "things"? what if your or your family need a little space from the big gatherings? How to prevent being hurt of hurt others' feelings? The external pressure can really create internal stress!

I think I will stock up on bubble bath product to relax....

You don't have to do anything.
Let go of the expectation that you do.
Nobody is holding a gun to your head.
You are the boss of your life.

Respect diversity by creating your own perfect holiday season for yourself and forgive those who don't respect your choices.
You can just graciously decline invitations, "Oh thank you so much for inviting us but we have other plans." - which is true.

Have a conversation with your loved ones about this and reach compromises.

 

[monarch64]

Bring expectations closer to what is possible.

I agree with you Kenny. I also think that being in a season where everyone is in a "holiday mood" is a source of stress itself. Everyone is talking about gift buying, baking, decorating, travels.... what if they are not your "things"? what if your or your family need a little space from the big gatherings? How to prevent being hurt of hurt others' feelings? The external pressure can really create internal stress!

I think I will stock up on bubble bath product to relax....

Yup, bubble bath product, WINE, favorite foods, (in moderation), music that YOU like, little things that make you comfortable and help you deal are all tangible items that ease stress. You really can only control your own actions and reactions to anything that happens during the holidays. Tacori E-ring always says something about controlling what's inside your own hula-hoop, and I think that's a great metaphor for the holidays especially if you are dealing with family. Try not to worry so much about what others will think of you...try to worry more about what makes you happy. A happy hostess is a great blessing--if you're happy, then your guests will hopefully feed off of that positivity and maybe be happier themselves. Just remember that it's only a few days out of the year. No need for you to think that everything you do is being judged, whether it is or isn't. Hey, all you can do in life is your best, and if that isn't good enough for people who are invited into your home, then screw them!

Further, make a list of everything you've done to make the holiday lovely for everyone. Then make another list of what you've done to make the holiday lovely for YOURSELF. See where I'm going? Life is far too short to worry about pleasing everyone else and not yourself. You deserve happiness too!

 

[zhuzhu]

Another favorite de-stressor of mine is The Body Shop body butter. Strange enough, what I love for the winter season is the nutty flavor butter, like Almond and Brazil Nut body butter. Oh how I go to bed with a smile on after a hot shower followed by all-over body butter application - heavenly!

 

[monarch64]

Another favorite de-stressor of mine is The Body Shop body butter. Strange enough, what I love for the winter season is the nutty flavor butter, like Almond and Brazil Nut body butter. Oh how I go to bed with a smile on after a hot shower followed by all-over body butter application - heavenly!

I LOVE body butter, especially in the winter! My absolute favorite brand is TreeHut. Target used to carry it but discontinued the line, and now they've come out with all sorts of different flavors that drugstore.com carries. They have a FB page, and if you message them, they will email you what stores in your area carry it. Our Body Shop went out of business here like 3 years ago so TreeHut is the only brand I can get now. It's like a tropical explosion in the winter, kind of like lying out in the sun with tanning oil on for a bit! I love it!

 

[zhuzhu]

Another favorite de-stressor of mine is The Body Shop body butter. Strange enough, what I love for the winter season is the nutty flavor butter, like Almond and Brazil Nut body butter. Oh how I go to bed with a smile on after a hot shower followed by all-over body butter application - heavenly!

I LOVE body butter, especially in the winter! My absolute favorite brand is TreeHut. Target used to carry it but discontinued the line, and now they've come out with all sorts of different flavors that drugstore.com carries. They have a FB page, and if you message them, they will email you what stores in your area carry it. Our Body Shop went out of business here like 3 years ago so TreeHut is the only brand I can get now. It's like a tropical explosion in the winter, kind of like lying out in the sun with tanning oil on for a bit! I love it!

The Body Shop has sales online and free shipping just recently. I will let you know if they offer it again. I think the deal was like 3 for $10 each - some crazy thing!

 

[Imdanny]

I used to get seasonal depression when I lived in the Northeast but now that I live in the tropics to be honest I don't have a lot of holiday stress. My family is thousands of miles away so it's kind of hard for them to have a lot of expectations of me and vice versa. I kind of like that actually. I was never really big on "now we have to go to Uncle so and so's house and all be social on command." I hope that doesn't make me sound like a Grinch. LOL.

 

[soocool]

I hide in the basement. No, really I do. No one ever comes down there to bother me. I have an exercise area down there with a treadmill, tv, cd player, matted floor, and no phones - so all the peace and quiet in the world. Exercise for me is the greatest stress buster in the world.

 

[bebe]

It is a stressful time for most moms. We have to do the shopping, decorating, planning and cooking. This has been a big beef of mine for years. I don't try to do it all but I'm still stressed just gift shopping, wrapping and doing all the other little things that seem to be my 'Holiday job description". Maybe it's my age and generation, but from my viewpoint, it does seem that most women are the ones to do it all. Few of my girlfriends get much help from their H's or SO's. My H doesn't shop with me (and I buy a lot of gifts!) and it gets frustrating dealing with all involved in that process. I am still shopping and wrapping this year. In the past I'd be done and ready to kick back a bit. I have a feeling I will buying a few more gift cards this year instead of a lovingly well-thought out picked out just for you gift. !!

I do blame the media for some of (if not most) of the pressure to have this glorious holiday season filled with every goodie they
throw at us. While I fall victim to some of it, in no way do I think I have to bake cookies for every neighbor or friend, send a card to every person I've ever known, or visit all my long lost relatives. We will see some friends, have a few dinners out and I plan on some baking next week. My 23 and 25 yr. old kiddos will be home for Christmas, my brother will come visit and we will have a family Christmas gift exchange and dinner at my sister's house. That's not much, but still there are other things going on - yeah the stress adds up.

 

[elrohwen]

I'm with Kenny that high expectations are usually the cause of stress - at least from what I see around me.

Personally, the holidays don't stress me out at all. I only do as much as I can comfortably handle as far as presents, cards, cookies, etc goes. We keep our family things small and manageable, which is easy for us since we have such a small family.

 

[decodelighted]

I think I misunderstood about this "Body Butter". Yuck. Phooey. *spit* Time to make some fresh toast.

 

[kenny]

It is a stressful time for most moms. We have to do the shopping, decorating, planning and cooking.

This is the problem.
You don't have to do anything.
Do only as much as you want to.
Guess what . . . You're the boss.

Think of what you are teaching your kids this time of year, stress or peace.

If society and family are shoving you around, via that voice in your head, it's because you allow it.
Actually they can't shove you around, though that is the complaint we hear over and over.
Again unless a gun is involved you are in control of your life.

 

[Jennifer W]

I don't do it and I don't buy into any notion that I should, either. I don't see any merit in being the one to do everything, then being too stressed and exhausted to enjoy the moment, especially now I have a child. Who wants their mommy tense and irritable on Christmas morning? Anyway, it's my holiday too.

Here's my approach, and I always have a fantastic, memorable Christmas:

Planning - a few emails or text messages should wrap that up, or the plans are too detailed for my taste. Be spontaneous!

Christmas dinner - go to a relative. Wangle an invitation, ideally from whoever in your family has a reputation for cooking and being generous with wine. If that isn't practical, book a table somewhere. Also, don't stay there too long. Aim to leave just before the fight begins...Unless you love cooking, in which case your spouse shops and clears up. You can't do it all.

Gift buying - that's what the internet is for. If you don't enjoy shopping or find it stressful, buy online, or have your spouse handle it. If you need to be in charge of it, write a list.

Wrapping - I like to open a bottle of wine, DH piles everything up on the living room floor and we wrap, drink, write tags, drink, wrap, drink, drink and drink. It's nice to have quality time together. Call it a date night...

Decorating the house - don't do it, or keep it 'lite.' Or have your spouse or kids do it. Same applies to the clear up.

Basically, the less I do, the more I enjoy it, and we always have a fantastic Christmas. To get into the spirit, we go to things other people have arranged - community carol service, local church, pub Christmas lunch, village committee's kids' party etc (well DH does that one, I can't cope with 80 small children in one room).

 

[Strawdermangrl]

I eat.

I mean, if we are being honest, I eat. Oh, and drink.

 

[violet3]

I agree that this time of year is extremely stressful - i'm not a huge fan in general.

Remedies: wine. that's all i've got.

 

[MonkeyPie]

I never get stressed at Christmastime - maybe I've been lucky so far, but it just isn't a bad time of the year for me. No one expects anything of me at all...LOL maybe that says something about me.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

1. Have NO expectations.
2. Practice self-care (with good quality alone time).
3. Live the holiday through my daughter's eyes. Enjoy the simple moments.
4. Ignore annoying, even if well meaning family members. I would rather be right than happy.

ETA: I decorate slowly over a span of a few weeks. That way it is not so overwhelming.

 

[swingirl]

Our family has called it quits on the whole gift-buying tradition. We slowed down years ago. No gifts for anyone other than immediate family. The name-drawing gift exchange was everyone's headache so we all agreed to skip it. DH and I go shopping a few days before Christmas and buy something for each other. Adult children get 1 or 2 big items that they have asked for. This whole "surprise me with the best gift ever" is what stresses people out. Baking? I have one easy nut bread recipe that makes mini loaves. Some years I bake, some years I don't. Decorating? I put the tree in the corner so I only have to decorate the front that we see. Perfect tree? Honestly I buy the first or second one I touch at Home Depot.

Boils down to lowering your expectations and stop trying to make everyone ELSE have a wonderful Christmas or holiday. Do the things you enjoy and don't bother with the rest.

 

[LGK]

We always get pulled in a zillion different directions over the holidays- we both have divorced & remarried parents so there's *so* many branches of the family clamoring for us to be with them on Xmas day. And of course they live 100 or so miles apart. We often end up driving all over creation and hating it, no time to enjoy anything and some branch of the family always feels slighted.

Last year we said eff it, and left for a two week long road trip. We knew we were giving up some $20K in Xmas money but it was soooo worth it! Part of the family is *still* annoyed with us bailing even a year later, but I just don't care. It was incredibly nice to just have a lovely peaceful Xmas, I had grown to hate it really having to please everyone else and never having any time to really enjoy anyone's company.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat! Yeah, you annoy family if you bail out on the stuff that they deem crucial for holiday fun, but often times they're being quite selfish and not really caring that *you're* unhappy and stretched too far in too many directions. But it's your life and if anyone asks just be honest that you were feeling stressed out and wanted some time off. Even if you can't do what we did and just totally leave, calling it quits on the ridiculous expectations of others can be so refreshing. I totally recommend it.

 

[bebe]

It is a stressful time for most moms. We have to do the shopping, decorating, planning and cooking.

This is the problem.
You don't have to do anything.
Do only as much as you want to.
Guess what . . . You're the boss.

Think of what you are teaching your kids this time of year, stress or peace.

If society and family are shoving you around, via that voice in your head, it's because you allow it.
Actually they can't shove you around, though that is the complaint we hear over and over.
Again unless a gun is involved you are in control of your life.

Kenny, I understand exactly what you are saying. But as the mom around my house and even with young adult children (1 Grad school, other graduated and working) and a fairly large family, if I don't do it, then it doesn't get done. There would be no gifts, no tree, no nothing! If I didn't buy the gifts, I can quarantee you my H wouldn't do it. He never has and therein lies part of the problem, And yeah, my fault I feel I HAVE to do that. For years I have been the one person in my family to host Christmas Day dinner for the family and most years another dinner on the 24th. I was the one who held it all together - kept the families together. Stressful - you bet. But in a way I also felt like I was showing my kids (they were younger) that it's important to be together. I have a great family but cooking and hosting a Christmas dinner just isn't their thing. Hey, that's ok, but sometimes it got to be too much for me. I'm getting a huge break this year, I'm not doing either dinner. I'll have a quiet time with my H and kiddos on the 24th and then Christmas Day at my sister's house.

 

[Kaleigh]

I tried to post..

Give yourself the gift of time. Pace yourself. If you want to chill and be alone, do so... Being forced to be all merry and bright is a bunch of BS.

I am usually one that loves the Holidays. But this year, we have been hit so hard with deaths, and me being diagnosed, and add to that my Casper isn't doing well...

Do what you can... Be honest with your loved ones ..

 

[bebe]

Wise words Lisa, thanks.

I fear I'm coming down with a sore throat and whatever crud is going around, so I'm officially slowing down.

Lisa, I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. hugs

 

[merilenda]

I don't really get stressed out about the responsibilities of this time of year, but then, I don't have kids. And I don't have much family left. However, what DOES stress me out is FI's large family. Being an introvert, large family gatherings definitely stress me out, especially because I always had such a small family growing up and I'm not used to it. I de-stress by making absolutely sure that I spend an adequate amount of quiet alone time after such a gathering. I like to cuddle up in blankets on the couch and read a good book!

 

[Kaleigh]

Wise words Lisa, thanks.

I fear I'm coming down with a sore throat and whatever crud is going around, so I'm officially slowing down.

Lisa, I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. hugs

Thanks bebe. Hope you don't cacth what is going around.

I made an executive decision. I am staying home for Xmas.

Casper can't be left anymore... It's going to be his last Xmas, not that he cares about Christmas. BUT I can't leave him. When I left him for Thanksgiving, the stress on him was too much. He's pretty blind, mostly deaf... and is almost 17.
My pet sitter used to be great, but she lost her husband to cancer and can't fault her for things going downhill. I got back and he wasn't able to walk up the stairs. I was like how could this be?? She said well his vision has gotten a lot worse..

He's able to get up the stairs fine, after me being home for a week... The stress of me being away is just too much.

And you get the point... I don't want to go to SIL's and stay in a hotel for Xmas... She's sooo bossy. Last thing I need right now!!!

Last time we went to their house, yes it was ages ago We were made to feel very unwelcome by my BIL. He's a hot head, and I am not one to hold back these days. I tells it like it is, and may say something I regret. I guess when you are ill, you see what's really important... So the silly things in life don't add up to much in my book...

So am happy to stay here with my doggies and not worry about if someone shows up to take care of them and the house. I am taking a pass this year.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I start early...like August. I buy all my wrapping at the end of the season prior so as I buy, I wrap. By the time the official Christmas season comes, I'm ready. I don't have to fight the crowds or the cold, my gifts are bought and wrapped. I can open my home to friends and family and that's what I enjoy.

I think being organized in the key to keeping it all under control.

 

[bebe]

Italiahaircolor, I used to be like you until this year - very organized and lists to follow. It worked. But still the stress was there.

This year, I'm still sitting here wondering what to buy for a few other people. I cannot believe I'm at this point and still no ideas.
Oh well, gift cards to the rescue.

Lisa, I understand about Casper and I don't blame you one bit for staying home. I wouldn't want to be in a hotel for Christmas either.
I'm going through a situation with a girlfriend I finally decided I couldn't support any longer. My husband and I were discussing that there comes a time in your life that you have to do what you know is best for you and be done with it. To heck what anyone says or
thinks.

 

[anchor31]

Here are my tips...

1. No shopping. HUGE stress reliever. Last year, I decided to make presents instead of buying them because our budget was tight with the baby coming (born Dec. 29). I made "cookies in a jar" presents and they were a hit. They took me an afternoon to make and a day to make cards and wrap. Cost me about 15$ for 7 of them. This year, we're flat out broke because I still haven't found work, so I did the same with new recipes. Another alternative is online shopping. I avoid shopping centers like the plague!

2. Divide and conquer. DH decided that he wanted to host Christmas dinner... So I decided that we'll be hosting dinner for his family on the 25th, but visiting my family on the 26th.

3. Delegate, delegate, delegate! You don't have to do everything! I'll be making the turkey, stuffing and gravy, but DH is in charge of cleaning the house, and I asked MIL to bring the dessert, SIL to bring side dishes, and BIL to bring drinks.

4. Start early! My presents and cards were made in November. Also, I will be cooking the turkey on the day before, carve it, make the gravy and reheat. Yup. A lot less stress on the day-of.

Good luck!

 

[zhuzhu]

I feel for those of you who host holiday dinners...
I am not hosting and I am already stress! To be honest I don't even like turkey. If it were my turn to host some day I think I will buy a few pre-roasted duck instead.

I think my stressor comes from the expectation of our teenager nieces and nephew. The adults from DH's husband side of family seem to think we as adult owe these children gifts. They contact us before their birthday days to "casually mention" about the birthday day while asking us about the weather, and they make such a big deal out of the Christmas gift opening event (which we are not joining this year but are still expected to send gifts).

The kids will email we adults a list of expensive items as "wish list". After receiving them on Christmas day, they however never thank us properly, not once. I am kind of sad and annoyed to buy presents for them, in a way I am enabling in a parenting style that I particularly dislike.

Do I HAVE to buy for them? Prob not. But I also won't like the gossips and disapproval coming from his side of adults if I don't (consequences). So you see Kenny, it is not so simple and clear-cut when it comes to families.

At the very least we will have the peace and quiet of having our own private Christmas with our nine-feet tree and 4 furry love (cats) who don't demand a thing from us except for love!