How do you cope with holiday stress?

[kenny]

I feel for those of you who host holiday dinners...
I am not hosting and I am already stress! To be honest I don't even like turkey. If it were my turn to host some day I think I will buy a few pre-roasted duck instead.

I think my stressor comes from the expectation of our teenager nieces and nephew. The adults from DH's husband side of family seem to think we as adult owe these children gifts. They contact us before their birthday days to "casually mention" about the birthday day while asking us about the weather, and they make such a big deal out of the Christmas gift opening event (which we are not joining this year but are still expected to send gifts).

The kids will email we adults a list of expensive items as "wish list". After receiving them on Christmas day, they however never thank us properly, not once. I am kind of sad and annoyed to buy presents for them, in a way I am enabling in a parenting style that I particularly dislike.

Do I HAVE to buy for them? Prob not. But I also won't like the gossips and disapproval coming from his side of adults if I don't (consequences). So you see Kenny, it is not so simple and clear-cut when it comes to families.

At the very least we will have the peace and quiet of having our own private Christmas with our nine-feet tree and 4 furry love (cats) who don't demand a thing from us except for love!

Based on what you wrote about the kids, you are perpetuating what you are complaining about.

I think it is simple and clear-cut.
You are voluntarily meeting (and perpetuating) the demanding expectations of family members.
Yet you complain about stress and I think I sense resentment on your part.
You can't have it both ways.

I recommend you just skip Christmas this year.
Just take the year off.
You and everyone around you may have a more stress-free holiday next year.

I don't understand why people behave as if they have no choice and are forced into stuff this time of year?

 

[zhuzhu]

I feel for those of you who host holiday dinners...
I am not hosting and I am already stress! To be honest I don't even like turkey. If it were my turn to host some day I think I will buy a few pre-roasted duck instead.

I think my stressor comes from the expectation of our teenager nieces and nephew. The adults from DH's husband side of family seem to think we as adult owe these children gifts. They contact us before their birthday days to "casually mention" about the birthday day while asking us about the weather, and they make such a big deal out of the Christmas gift opening event (which we are not joining this year but are still expected to send gifts).

The kids will email we adults a list of expensive items as "wish list". After receiving them on Christmas day, they however never thank us properly, not once. I am kind of sad and annoyed to buy presents for them, in a way I am enabling in a parenting style that I particularly dislike.

Do I HAVE to buy for them? Prob not. But I also won't like the gossips and disapproval coming from his side of adults if I don't (consequences). So you see Kenny, it is not so simple and clear-cut when it comes to families.

At the very least we will have the peace and quiet of having our own private Christmas with our nine-feet tree and 4 furry love (cats) who don't demand a thing from us except for love!

Based on what you wrote about the kids, you are perpetuating what you are complaining about.

I think it is simple and clear-cut.
You are voluntarily meeting (and perpetuating) the demanding expectations of family members.
Yet you complain about stress and I think I sense resentment on your part.
You can't have it both ways.

I recommend you just skip Christmas this year.
Just take the year off.
You and everyone around you may have a more stress-free holiday next year.

I don't understand why people behave as if they have no choice and are forced into stuff this time of year?

Because we live in a society, we don't live alone in the cave. When 100% of adults with the same last name (by marriage)are doing the same thing (buy gifts for kids) and you don't, you are holding up a sign that says "I am an outsider" or "I am better than you". That is a fastest way to guarantee that you become the least likable relative of the family.
Just because you personally don't care, a lot of us do care how the future in-law family relationship is affected by it. We are all connected in more ways than one. Yes I am resentful for having to do it but I also know I will hate it more for the consequences of not doing it. I wish human emotions are as simple to solve as mathematics equations, but I can assure you that they are not.

 

[kenny]

I feel for those of you who host holiday dinners...
I am not hosting and I am already stress! To be honest I don't even like turkey. If it were my turn to host some day I think I will buy a few pre-roasted duck instead.

I think my stressor comes from the expectation of our teenager nieces and nephew. The adults from DH's husband side of family seem to think we as adult owe these children gifts. They contact us before their birthday days to "casually mention" about the birthday day while asking us about the weather, and they make such a big deal out of the Christmas gift opening event (which we are not joining this year but are still expected to send gifts).

The kids will email we adults a list of expensive items as "wish list". After receiving them on Christmas day, they however never thank us properly, not once. I am kind of sad and annoyed to buy presents for them, in a way I am enabling in a parenting style that I particularly dislike.

Do I HAVE to buy for them? Prob not. But I also won't like the gossips and disapproval coming from his side of adults if I don't (consequences). So you see Kenny, it is not so simple and clear-cut when it comes to families.

At the very least we will have the peace and quiet of having our own private Christmas with our nine-feet tree and 4 furry love (cats) who don't demand a thing from us except for love!

Based on what you wrote about the kids, you are perpetuating what you are complaining about.

I think it is simple and clear-cut.
You are voluntarily meeting (and perpetuating) the demanding expectations of family members.
Yet you complain about stress and I think I sense resentment on your part.
You can't have it both ways.

I recommend you just skip Christmas this year.
Just take the year off.
You and everyone around you may have a more stress-free holiday next year.

I don't understand why people behave as if they have no choice and are forced into stuff this time of year?

Because we live in a society, we don't live alone in the cave. When 100% of adults with the same last name (by marriage)are doing the same thing (buy gifts for kids) and you don't, you are holding up a sign that says "I am an outsider" or "I am better than you". That is a fastest way to guarantee that you become the least likable relative of the family.
Just because you personally don't care, a lot of us do care how the future in-law family relationship is affected by it. We are all connected in more ways than one. Yes I am resentful for having to do it but I also know I will hate it more for the consequences of not doing it. I wish human emotions are as simple to solve as mathematics equations, but I can assure you that they are not.

So you have chosen to do what you prefer.
In your mind you are getting the pay off, being a liked member of your family.
Everything we do in life has a cost.

I you choose it, be happy.

BTW your "I'm better than you" comment is not really fair.
Everyone on the planet feels he/she is doing the right thing.

 

[zhuzhu]

Again Kenny, I wish human emotions are as simple to turn on and off as a light bulb, but I can assure you that they are not. Thank you for your advice though.

 

[kenny]

No, I don't think human emotions are as simple as turning on a light bulb.
Not sure how you get that from what I've written.
I just don't think we should live our lives as resentful, stressed out powerless victims of our family's and society's impossible expectations.

Actually, you already are in control of your choices.
We do only what we want to do, but have gotten tricked into thinking we are not in control - which avoids responsibility and offers us delicious blame.
If you say you don't want to do X but are only doing X "for little Sussie and Jonny" then you are choosing that.
To you, getting the desired reactions from Sussie and Jonny must be worth doing X.

You ARE doing what you want to.

 

[Jennifer W]

Honestly, I don't do what the other adults with the same last name do in my family. To be strictly accurate, I didn't even adopt the last name. They can feel any way they like about me, it's just irrelevant. If they're going to love me, they'll accept that I will continue to be doing my own thing, my own way, and if they were going to hate me, well, there's something for them to pin it on that goes no deeper or hurts me as a valid criticism.

If you feel this pressured about the gift buying for DH's family, hand it over to him. Don't ask him to help, just tell him it's up to him and you've taken your turn for enough years now to be ok with that.

Or continue to feel bad, but I hope you won't, because you deserve to enjoy your holiday too. I hope you will.

Jen

 

[Amber St. Clare]

~edited because most people do not appreciate my humor.

 

[kenny]

I do.
I saw it.
It's fine.

Let's not dumb down this place to the lowest common denominator.
Booooooring.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

think my stressor comes from the expectation of our teenager nieces and nephew. The adults from DH's husband side of family seem to think we as adult owe these children gifts. They contact us before their birthday days to "casually mention" about the birthday day while asking us about the weather, and they make such a big deal out of the Christmas gift opening event (which we are not joining this year but are still expected to send gifts).

The kids will email we adults a list of expensive items as "wish list". After receiving them on Christmas day, they however never thank us properly, not once. I am kind of sad and annoyed to buy presents for them, in a way I am enabling in a parenting style that I particularly dislike.

Are you friendly with these teen agers during the year? Do you have an on going relationshp with them? How would they feel if you said this year you donated gifts to poor families in their name?

 

[zhuzhu]

Hi Amber,

Actually I hardly know these kids. They do not call us during the year.

Having chosen to continue buying gifts for children who never express appreciation is for the sake of DH. The women in DH's family get upset if we do not "follow the family tradition". The money is not the issue, it is the lack of any acknowledgment that makes this "tradition" unpleasant for me. I love buying gifts out of love, but gifting out of obligation is such a drain!

Vent over. I better run before some life coach comes preaching again!

Thanks for checking in!

 

[iLander]

I'M WITH KENNY '

Expectations are nothing more than resentments in the making.

And "society" doesn't care what you do. My sign off used to be "don't worry what people think about you, they don't do it very much". Seriously.

And start screening your calls around birthdays, these relatives are a bunch of greedy jerks. Filter them out.

I say make everybody (especially DH) pitch in and you'll be amazed how quickly they appreciate what you do when THEY'RE doing it!

And 2 Magic Words: GIFT BAGS!

Buy a jumbo pack, at Sam's or Costco and use easy remove tape to close them up. Screw wrapping! Our bags have so many layer of tape, you can barely see the bag! Drop it in, close it up. Reuse next year.

Wrapping is a waste of time and trees.

Or just send a Visa gift card. One envelope each. They can go pick up their own stuff, you're not a delivery service. And I think thank-you notes are a sign of class. These people are not classy, they're trashy!

Ugh, great to know whoever is raising these teens is getting ready to unleash MORE self-centered twits into society!