How do you tell a friend you can''t come to their wedding?

[Lilac]

DH and I were not able to go on our honeymoon right after our wedding in February so we decided to go in August. One of his friends got engaged a few months ago and told us the wedding would be August 23 and we shouldn''t make other plans for that day. When we were looking at the calendar trying to figure out when to go on our honeymoon, we realized that the only week we could go away would leave us still on our honeymoon August 23.

I feel terrible about this, and I even considered and discussed with DH postponing our honeymoon until January because I felt so bad about missing his friend''s wedding when we gave him the impression we would be there. DH says he''s not so close with this friend that he wants to push off the honeymoon ANOTHER 5 months just to be around for this. He feels that this is our honeymoon which is very important for us, and his friend probably would have enjoyed having us there, but in the grand scheme of things, whether we are there or not won''t affect him *that* much.

I think his friend will be hurt that we aren''t coming, and won''t really understand why we chose that week to go away when we knew it was his wedding. (We had to choose that week based on DH''s work schedule and my school schedule - it was literally the only time we could go away until January.)

I keep telling DH he needs to call his friend and explain the situation, but he doesn''t know how to say it in the least "hurtful" way. He asked me to post on PS about it and ask everyone what they think - would you be really hurt if a friend (not really a close friend, but someone you thought was coming to your wedding) told you they were going on their honeymoon instead of coming to your wedding?

I say he needs to pick up the phone and CALL him, he wants to email him so he doesn''t put him on the spot. I think he''s just worried about hearing his reaction. I''m going to keep trying to convince him to just rip off the band-aid and call him as soon as possible. I think the longer he waits the worse it will be.

Any advice?

 

[JerseyGrl81]

I agree with you- your fi needs to call his friend and explain that you two wont be able to make it because you will be on you honeymoon. That is a very good reason to miss their wedding. When your friend asked you to save the date and not schedule anything else that weekend she probably meant other weddings or BBQ and such. I wouldn''t plan your honeymoon around them!

 

[Tuckins1]

I would just be straight with them and say that you won''t be able to attend because you will be on your honeymoon. Maybe you can get together before or after and have a little celebration together.

 

[MissGotRocks]

I have to agree with the others. I''d just tell them the truth - a honeymoon is a valid reason to miss their wedding. You wouldn''t have planned for it to happen that way - it just did.

 

[honey22]

You have a perfectly good reason to not attend his wedding, I am sure he will be disappointed, but understanding.

However, your FI needs to call him in person and explain the situation, he isn''t putting him on the spot, it''s not like he is asking a favour or something, you are just explaining that you can''t make it. It''s a bit rude to just email him though.

 

[Lilac]

The thing that I''m worried about is that we''ve been married for over 5 months already - it''s a *delayed* honeymoon. If it were a honeymoon right after our wedding, I think it might be different, but we had to wait till now to go on our honeymoon. My husband''s friend will see this as a "vacation" and not a honeymoon - so he''ll just think we chose to take our vacation when he''s getting married and didn''t care about missing his wedding.

I do agree that my husband absolutely needs to call him. Emailing in this case is just wrong and I''ll make sure he understands that

 

[honey22]

Whether your friend sees it as a honeymoon or vacation, that''s not the point. The point is, it IS your honeymoon, and your friend will have to respect that.

 

[MissGotRocks]

It is a delayed honeymoon though and not simply a vacation. When people plan to marry in summer months, they have to understand that some people will be away during that time. It''s just a fact of life. In your case, it just happens to be when you can both get away for your honeymoon. He may miss your presence at his wedding but he''ll enjoy it all the same. It''s important that you and your husband have your honeymoon too. Give him a call and explain the situation. Send a nice gift and enjoy your honeymoon. I understand feeling bad about it but you''d feel worse if you just kept postponing your own honeymoon. Go while you can!

 

[honey22]

Just wanted to add, if my friends couldn''t understand that I was having a delayed honeymoon and they got annoyed that I couldn''t make it to their wedding, then they wouldn''t be friends that I would want to see married anyway.

What I am trying to say is, if they are your true friends they will understand. And if they don''t, they you don''t have to feel bad that you can''t make it

 

[DearBuddha]

It''s a tricky situation, because on the one hand you don''t want to cause your friends undue hurt and anger. On the other hand, however, if it''s the only time you have for your honeymoon, you need to go.

Are your friends aware of your delayed honeymoon situation? If they know you weren''t able to go immediately after your wedding, then it has to dawn on them the significance of this proposed trip. They shouldn''t view it as a "vacation" (and if they do, then they''re being selfish and demanding).

Good luck with the situation!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I really had to think about this, because this is a fine line. But, in the end, I think it boils down to do whats best for your family.

Honeymoons are important. They cinch up the wedding. This is something that shouldn''t be overlooked.

I think if I were you, I would personally tell them via the phone that you have a conflict. Then, send a lovely wedding gift and note. After you get back from your honeymoon, and they come back from theirs...you should take them out for a nice dinner. They can share pictures, you can share yours. You all can celebrate privately.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/21/2009 7:43:50 PM
Author:Lilac

I feel terrible about this, and I even considered and discussed with DH postponing our honeymoon until January because I felt so bad about missing his friend''s wedding when we gave him the impression we would be there. DH says he''s not so close with this friend that he wants to push off the honeymoon ANOTHER 5 months just to be around for this. He feels that this is our honeymoon which is very important for us, and his friend probably would have enjoyed having us there, but in the grand scheme of things, whether we are there or not won''t affect him *that* much.

This is a friend of your DH not a personal friend of yours. Your DH has made it clear that he wants to go on honeymoon so go and enjoy yourself

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 7/21/2009 10:29:52 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I really had to think about this, because this is a fine line. But, in the end, I think it boils down to do whats best for your family.

Honeymoons are important. They cinch up the wedding. This is something that shouldn''t be overlooked.

I think if I were you, I would personally tell them via the phone that you have a conflict. Then, send a lovely wedding gift and note. After you get back from your honeymoon, and they come back from theirs...you should take them out for a nice dinner. They can share pictures, you can share yours. You all can celebrate privately.

I think this is a great idea! We made it a point to take two of our friends out on their anniversary weekend because we had missed their wedding and it was a wonderful time.

 

[havernell]

I have a bit of a different perspective from some of the others. Since your husband has stressed that this is not a CLOSE friend, I don't think you need to make a big production out of declining their wedding invitation. I would just wait until the invitation comes and send the RSVP back with a note saying you really wish you could come but you'll be on your honeymoon. That's what everyone else who can't come to the wedding for their own individual reason will do, so why should you make a huge deal over your declined invitation? You don't need to explain your life to them

On top of that, I actually think it's a little weird to tell someone you can't come to their wedding when you haven't even *officially* been invited yet. Sure they verbally said "save the date" to you a few months ago right after the got engaged, but things can change. People may decide they need to downsize their wedding and can't really afford to invite everyone they wanted to in the beginning. They may have been excited about their engagement and were just shooting their mouths off before really thinking about budgets and space constraints and whatnot. Espeically if these aren't close friends, I wouldn't 100% assume you're invited until you get a save the date or an actual invitation in the mail.

So, overall, I wounldn't do anything now as it could be seen as a bit presumptuous to call up and say you can't come to something that you really haven't been formally invited to yet.

 

[mrscushion]

I don''t seen an issue. It''s your honeymoon. End of story. Call them and tell them -- surely they will understand.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 7/22/2009 1:11:49 PM
Author: havernell
I have a bit of a different perspective from some of the others. Since your husband has stressed that this is not a CLOSE friend, I don''t think you need to make a big production out of declining their wedding invitation. I would just wait until the invitation comes and send the RSVP back with a note saying you really wish you could come but you''ll be on your honeymoon. That''s what everyone else who can''t come to the wedding for their own individual reason will do, so why should you make a huge deal over your declined invitation?

On top of that, I actually think it''s a little weird to tell someone you can''t come to their wedding when you haven''t even *officially* been invited yet. Sure they verbally said ''save the date'' to you a few months ago right after the got engaged, but things can change. People may decide they need to downsize their wedding and can''t really afford to invite everyone they wanted to in the beginning. They may have been excited about their engagement and were just shooting their mouths off before really thinking about budgets and space constraints and whatnot. Espeically if these aren''t close friends, I wouldn''t 100% assume you''re invited until you get a save the date or an actual invitation in the mail.

We already got the invitation a couple days ago

. I wish it was a case where we weren''t actually invited, but we are. We didn''t say anything sooner to him because we wanted to finalize everything for the honeymoon before telling him for sure we couldn''t come. We tried our best to get a flight early enough to be back for the wedding, but unfortunately the wedding is on a Sunday at 12 noon and we couldn''t get any flight to get us home in time to make it to the wedding.

Bottom line is the friend won''t understand. My husband is upset that he might lose a friend over this, but he still didn''t want to skip our honeymoon. And as many of you said - if a friend can''t understand us going on our honeymoon, then maybe he''s not someone we need as a friend anyway

I just feel bad.

 

[Lilac]

Thank you JerseyGrl81, Tuckins1, MissGotRocks, honey22, DearBuddha, Italiahaircolor, Londongirl1, Keepingthefaith21, havernell, and mscushion for all your advice. I really appreciate it.

My husband now knows he needs to call - I spoke to him last night and explained that we just can''t send an email or just an RSVP that says we can''t attend. It needs to be an actual PHONE call. He doesn''t know what to say to his friend and how to phrase it in the best way to convey how much we wish we could be there, but needed to go on our honeymoon at that exact time. Any suggestions?

 

[havernell]

Date: 7/22/2009 1:21:55 PM
Author: Lilac

We already got the invitation a couple days ago

. I wish it was a case where we weren''t actually invited, but we are. We didn''t say anything sooner to him because we wanted to finalize everything for the honeymoon before telling him for sure we couldn''t come. We tried our best to get a flight early enough to be back for the wedding, but unfortunately the wedding is on a Sunday at 12 noon and we couldn''t get any flight to get us home in time to make it to the wedding.

Bottom line is the friend won''t understand. My husband is upset that he might lose a friend over this, but he still didn''t want to skip our honeymoon. And as many of you said - if a friend can''t understand us going on our honeymoon, then maybe he''s not someone we need as a friend anyway

I just feel bad.

Ah, okay, good to know that you got the formal invitation

Is this a friend who lives locally that you will definitely see before the wedding? If not, I would still just send back the RSVP with a note about your honeymoon instead of calling. You just don''t want to make it into a bigger deal than it actually is (and calling will make it into a bigger deal), and sending back the RSVP is the expected way of declining an invitation.

If it is someone you see often, pehraps just tell them in person next time you see them (hopefully in a public place).

And as you said, if this friend is going to decide to hate everyone who can''t come to his wedding for their own personal reasons, then he''s the one with the problem. Lilac, I''m sure you had some people who couldn''t make it to your wedding, but do you hold a grudge towards them? I doubt it.

Finally, if it''s your husband''s friend and not your friend, I think you need to let him have final say in how he''s going to decline the invitation. Guys have ways of interacting that just work for them, and your husband probably knows best how to handle his friend.

Have a fantastic time on your honeymoon, by the way! Where are you planning to go?

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/22/2009 1:32:50 PM
Author: havernell


Ah, okay, good to know that you got the formal invitation

Is this a friend who lives locally that you will definitely see before the wedding? If not, I would still just send back the RSVP with a note about your honeymoon instead of calling. You just don't want to make it into a bigger deal than it actually is (and calling will make it into a bigger deal), and sending back the RSVP is the expected way of declining an invitation.

If it is someone you see often, pehraps just tell them in person next time you see them (hopefully in a public place).

And as you said, if this friend is going to decide to hate everyone who can't come to his wedding for their own personal reasons, then he's the one with the problem. Lilac, I'm sure you had some people who couldn't make it to your wedding, but do you hold a grudge towards them? I doubt it.

Finally, if it's your husband's friend and not your friend, I think you need to let him have final say in how he's going to decline the invitation. Guys have ways of interacting that just work for them, and your husband probably knows best how to handle his friend.

Have a fantastic time on your honeymoon, by the way! Where are you planning to go?

Well said havernell

Although I still don't understand why DH thinks he'll lose a friend as you OP said they're not that close

.

Anyway, on with the honeymoon plans. Sandals have dropped their prices for the Carribean

.

 

[Lilac]

Bottom line is we can''t go to his wedding, but I think the friend thinks they''re closer than they are. Which is why he won''t understand us not coming (but again - there''s nothing we can do about it). They grew up together, and were relatively close through high school and up until about a year or so ago when they grew apart a little. We''re Jewish, so my husband had an "aufruf" before the wedding which is a celebration the weekend before with meals where friends and family come, he came to our wedding, and he came to a party after the wedding that our friends made for us to celebrate. Our honeymoon means my husband will miss not only the wedding, but also the "aufruf" weekend and any bachelor party he has.

There were some people who couldn''t come to my wedding and I understood that, but based on specific comments from this friend in the past since his engagement I just know he won''t be as understanding. I just need to accept DH and I can''t make everyone happy all the time, and if the friend doesn''t understand then it''s unfortunate but we can''t help it.

And as for the honeymoon - we''re going to Hawaii.

 

[Clairitek]

The advice I was going to give has already been said but I just wanted you to know that I think its sweet of you to fret over this. I can tell you care about your and your husbands friends.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

The friend will be bummed that you guys can''t go, but there is nothing to be done about that now...you made your plans. When your hubby calls or talks to him, I would say that you had ALREADY made plans - booked flights, etc. - and didn''t realize it was the same dates as the wedding when he first told you. All you can say is that you are sorry you guys won''t make it and would love to celebrate with them after.

Good luck! I know it will be a tough conversation.

 

[lala2332]

i think you and DH are way overthinking this. Its always sad when someone can''t make it, but it shouldn''t end or chaneg a friendship. I couldn''t go to a friend''s wedding when I was in my first year of law school. I just sent the RSVP with a no and that was it. We have talked since then and she was one of the first people to write on facebook congratulating me on my engagement and again when I graduated law school. I was sad I couldn''t make it and I''m sure she was sad when she got my RSVP, but I highly doubt my absence had an effect whatsoever on her wedding day.