how has your parents'' relationship shaped your views on marriage?

[ficklefaye]

it''s bedtime for me, but i''ve had this question on my mind for awhile, i will share my thoughts tomorrow

 

[charbie]

Date: 8/13/2009 1:24:37 AM
Author:ficklefaye
it''s bedtime for me, but i''ve had this question on my mind for awhile, i will share my thoughts tomorrow

omg. ff. i heart you. had to deal a lot with this in our pre-cana at the Catholic church. i think FI and i have this agreement that there is no such thing as divorce for us seeing that we both come from families teared apart by our parents going through it. it has made things so hard on both of us since we don''t know what a marriage really is supposed to be like post-children. i''m honestly excited to see how things turn out...i want to have kids, raise them together...and then grow old as a couple since that is unknown territory for either of us!!

 

[Lilac]

My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. I never got to see them happy together (or really together at all, with the exception of when they "exchanged" me from one to the other and argued the whole time as I got older.) Recently they have become much more civil to one another and are both remarried with more children. They really were amazing at my wedding and I still find it incredible and so blessed that they can be in the same room together now and actually talk nicely for special occasions when it involves me. It never used to be like that when I was younger and every single time we have a family event that my parents both attend and are nice to each other (my birthday, our wedding, etc) I actually *cry* when it''s over because I feel so lucky that they have moved this far and can do this for me.

It''s interesting because I think about this question a lot and had numerous conversations with DH when we were dating about my feelings towards marriage as a result of my parents'' failed marriage. I think my parents'' divorce made me a generally insecure person. I often blame myself for things and feel very alone sometimes.

I have never been afraid of falling out of love with DH or wanting to get divorced - I know that won''t happen. Divorce isn''t something I would ever want, especially when it comes to my relationship with my husband. We are perfect for each other in every single way. However, DH reassures me every single day that he loves me just as much as he always has (and more). During fights or arguments, he always makes sure to tell me he loves me even though he''s upset or I''m upset. He knows I need this. Not because I don''t trust him, not because I believe he would ever leave me (because I know in my head and in my heart that he NEVER would) - I guess I can''t really explain why I need this reassurance. I look at my parents and wonder how they could have been in love at all, and how they stopped being in love, and because of this DH knows I need that extra reassurance sometimes that he won''t stop loving me and he makes sure to provide that for me.

Also as a result of growing up with divorced parents, I know I would never ever want to put my own children through that. It really hurt me all those years, and still does, and I know I would make every effort to make sure my children never ever went through that pain. Before marrying DH we both discussed all of this and we both know divorce isn''t an option for us. We don''t think about it or mention the word during arguments - it''s just not even a consideration for us. We both made sure we were SURE of ourselves when we got married and we know marriage takes a lot of time, work, and effort. It''s not always easy, but we know that no matter what comes our way we want to go through it all *together*.

 

[sba771]

My father lead a double life and had another family. We didn''t find out until 5 years ago. I knew my parents marriage was an unhappy one. It didn''t affect me other than I knew what to make sure I didn''t fall in love with and what behaviors were red flags. I am actually very excited to get married and avoid the trappings that my mother fell into.

 

[trillionaire]

My parents have been married for 30 yrs. Growing up, I didn''t get the impression that they were close as partners, but they were fantastic parents. After the kids trickled off to college, these two new people emerged who liked to hang out together on weekends, who would tease and flirt, buy things for each other and chase each other in stores using cell phones like walkie talkies.

Who WERE these people??? Now, if my siblings are around, they bicker constantly, it''s like they don''t know how to be a couple when we are around, but if we aren''t there, they are actually pretty darn cute!

So, I learned that marriage is more complex than can be seen on the surface. I also decided that I don''t want kids. I value my relationship with FI more than a relationship with children that I don''t know. I also have had to learn to be comfortable being physically affectionate (kissing, holding hands, snuggling) because I never really saw my parents model that. (they saved their hugs and kisses for the kids, not each other) Oh, and ''I love you''s... had to get used to saying that romantically too. They only really said it to us kids, not to each other.

My mom says that I am very lucky to be marrying my best friend. I don''t think she considers my dad her best friend. However, I have great parents, and a great family, and I have been very blessed. People have been calling us the Huxtables our whole lives, and I take it as a good sign that once we got engaged, people started calling FI and I the new millenium Huxtables.

 

[cindygenit]

My parents split up when I was young, around 13 or 14. It affected me because my dad begged me to ask my mum to reconsider.

I did nothing of course because i was so young and I knew deep down nothing I could say would change my mum''s decision. I also believed she would be much much happier without him. I LOVE my dad but it wasn''t meant to be.

When I was dating, I had a lot of insecurities, and I had trust issues. My views on marriage has not changed. I still believe that if HE is the one, the marriage will work out somehow. No matter how badly one person screws up.

 

[Dannielle]

My Mum died when I was 11, but my parents were married for 20 or so years.

I don''t remember much.. but what I do remember is that they were always smiling, laughing, cuddling.. They used to go out on dates every Friday night- they would get dressed up and go to different restauraunts and shows. They were so happy.. and it has inspired me to find that happiness in my own life.

Ofcourse there was up''s and down''s but underneath it all was love and mutual respect. My Dad still says that she was the love of his life, even though he remarried earlier this year.

Their marriage has definately shaped my views.. and I am so thankful that I had such great role models

 

[bee*]

My parents are married 28 years and they''ve mainly taught me that you have to take the ups with the downs. I can remember times when they''ve fought like mad but I knew that they wouldn''t go their separate ways as you could still tell they loved each other.

 

[Delster]

^^^ ditto

And trillionaire, my parents too seemed to get a new lease of the romances once all the kids were grown up and out of the house! They can be downright adorable sometimes these days, it''s great to see!

 

[merrymunky]

Good question ff!

Well, I have three or four different angles to see it from. I certainly know how NOT to do it. My FI's parents have been blissfully married for 30+ years. I never see them argue. They may have minor disagreements but they adore each other and it is blatantly obvious when you see them together. They both still laugh, act silly, flirt. It's truly lovely. I aspire to be like that with my FI once we are married (although I know my short fuse lets me down and we will bicker as much as we do now)

My Mum and Dad divorced when I was 14. Their marriage was terribly unhappy. My Father was abusive in more ways than one. My Mum couldn't stand him when they were married. She is civil towards him now and he has even stayed with her and my step father.

Then there was my Dad's second marriage which lasted 7 years. It was a marriage of convenience and my ex step mother didn't know if she loved my Dad anyway. Why on earth did she go through with it then? He got somewhere to love as well as someone to cook and clean for him it seems. They were as bad as each other!

My Mother and Step-Father are much like my FI's parents, although they have only been married for 13 years. They are si much fun together and I see my mother finally haooy, She never smiled or laughed WITH my Dad, but with my step dad they are constantly silly. She smiles all the time, she laughs...and they adore each other. They have a lot of stress to deal with on a daily basis, lots of issues to deal with within the extended family. But ehy stick together and just gen on with it. Their relationship and view on life is vastly different to my FI's parents, but the adoration is equal.

If my FI and I can be as appy as either his parents or my mother and step father we will be on the right track. It makes you realise that problems will occur, but if you stay together and stay positive, then the relationship doesn't have to suffer.

 

[Lauren8211]

My parents divorced when I was 5, and I never see my dad. We have no relationship whatsoever. I don''t remember why they divorced, but for some reason I always felt that they never worked hard at staying together. That always stuck in my head. If you commit to someone, you stay and you make it work. You don''t give up on your relationship.

Also, since I never had a relationship with my dad, I always swore that I''d marry a man who I KNEW would be an amazing dad. I want nothing more than to raise a daughter with confidence, who knows how a man is supposed to treat her, and doesn''t put up with the abusive crap I did.

 

[musincy]

Date: 8/13/2009 3:42:43 AM
Author: trillionaire
My parents have been married for 30 yrs. Growing up, I didn''t get the impression that they were close as partners, but they were fantastic parents. After the kids trickled off to college, these two new people emerged who liked to hang out together on weekends, who would tease and flirt, buy things for each other and chase each other in stores using cell phones like walkie talkies.

Who WERE these people??? Now, if my siblings are around, they bicker constantly, it''s like they don''t know how to be a couple when we are around, but if we aren''t there, they are actually pretty darn cute!

So, I learned that marriage is more complex than can be seen on the surface.

Isn''t it funny how things become more clear to us the older we get?

I think I understand my parent''s relationship more now than ever before, now that it''s just the two of them again... it''s amazing how stressful life can be and how it affects relationships.

Both my parents and DH''s parents have been married over 30 years. I think we''ve both seen that it''s not always going to be easy, we''re not always going to agree, but we''re in this for the long haul. For us, all that stress and extra stuff that comes with marriage and raising a family is all worth it to be together.

 

[princesss]

Interesting question.

My parents have been together 26 years, and BF's parents have been together...I want to say almost 30 years?

I think I realized pretty early on that my parents have an incredible marriage, and that I ought to learn from it. My mom up and left her hometown, family, and friends to move to a town in Thailand that we couldn't find on a map.

I remember going shopping for an anniversary gift for my mom with my dad my senior year of high school, and he got it in his head that she'd like an iPod. We drove all over Singapore looking for one and couldn't find one (we must have spent 2 hours in the car and in various malls). So then he decided she'd like a trip to Bali, so we went and booked a trip. I sat there and thought, "This is fantastic. This is what I want." He knew what she'd like and didn't give up until he got something she'd love. He lit up when he realized he could do something to make my mom happy.

When I graduated high school (and promised my dad I wouldn't get into a serious relationship in college, lol) I swore to myself I would not marry anybody if I didn't feel the way about them that my parents feel. I want my parents' kind of marriage or none at all. Luckily, BF's parents are the same way. It's obvious how much they love each other and how they care for each other, and there's no "What if..." with them. Their lives include each other, and always will.

So I got lucky when I met BF at 18 that we came from similar homes (though wildly different lives), and had parents with similar values about relationships and family. It's definitely influenced the way that we view marriage, and our parents' marriages have forced us to have some important discussions early on (Would we move away from everything we know for each other? What if one of us was diagnosed with a debilitating disease?).

So yes, their relationship definitely affected the way I view marriage, and I think that's a really positive thing.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 8/13/2009 5:25:12 AM
Author: bee*
My parents are married 28 years and they''ve mainly taught me that you have to take the ups with the downs. I can remember times when they''ve fought like mad but I knew that they wouldn''t go their separate ways as you could still tell they loved each other.

Ditto. My folks have gone through a rocky period or two in their marriage, but they knew they were going to work through them, and so they did. It was pretty amazing for me to witness. It was like they just had a fundamental, unwavering commitment to working things out -- and it wasn''t because they''re very religious or divorce was not an option. I guess that is how marriage is supposed to work, it''s just you don''t see that so often anymore these days.

 

[Mannequin]

I want to have a marriage like the one my parents have someday. Each of them was previously married once, and now they are in it for forever. I have never seen two people who love like they do. They are true partners in every sense of the word. They tackle everything together, good and bad, and they work hard and play hard. They are ALWAYS laughing - their relationship is so playful and happy. Ex: My folks have been together for almost 30 years, married for 28. If you ask my dad, he''ll say that "it seems like only 28 minutes.... underwater.... without a breath."

LOL It was a lot of fun to grow up in their home and be raised by them, I can only hope I''ll do half as good a job with my own kids someday.

FI''s parents... another story. His parents had a bad split when he was younger and they are still upset with each other like twenty years later. His dad''s family is not even invited to the engagement dinner his mother is hosting next week in our honor.

 

[ficklefaye]

hi everybody, thank you for sharing, i guess it''s my turn

i grew up with a verbally abusive dad and a submissive, passive/aggressive mom, i say grew up, but they are still very much like that now, believe me, i love them both, but it was definitely not easy growing up, my dad would just out of the blue blow a fuse and lash out at my mom and us kids, my mom never defended herself or us, she threatened to file for divorce many times, but she never did, verbal abuse doesn''t leave any physical signs, but it was still painful to have my family constantly put down or controlled

fast forward to now and my dad hasn''t changed much at all, he doesn''t let my mom see her family and of course my mom doesn''t do anything about it no matter how hard we try to convince her that my dad has no right to stop her for seeing her family, the other day he made my sister cry even though she was going through an emotional situation concerning her husband''s health, my mom blamed my sister for starting up the conversation in the first place

i must be honest, my parents'' relationship really gave me a distorted view on my own relationships, my very first serious relationship closely resembled my parents'', i''m very glad i got out of that one, now i''m with my FI and he is nothing like my father and our relationship is nothing like my parents'', i didn''t even think i would ever get married until i met FI

FI and i have similar values and goals in life, but a lot of other things are different, but we complement each other well, we give each other time and space when needed and never feel the need to control each other, i do nag him, but eh, isn''t that part of it?

i''m a very happy person now and although i know my mom and dad love each other, i don''t think i''ll ever understand their relationship

 

[Diva0413]

I think this is a great question. Thanks ff!

My parents divorced when I was very young and my Mom re-married when I was 7. They stayed married until I graduated from high school and they only stayed together for that long because my Mom felt I needed two parents. Honestly, as I was growing up, I could tell my Mom and my step-father weren''t happy together, but I did not find out until I was adult that they only stayed together for me. So for me, because of all the divorce I''ve seen not only for my Mom, but also my grandparents, uncles, and aunts, I take marriage very seriously. I''m very determined not to be like everyone else in my family and get divorced. I only want to get married once.

 

[cocolaw]

shheeesh!!!!!! they were very unhappily married, and had a VERY messy divorce 18 years later. it was miserable for everyone! after that trainwreck, one might think that i would be really afraid of marriage. but i do not have cold feet......probably due to being hard-headed and due to the fact that my fiance is so wonderful

!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

my parents have been together for 40 years and they''ve taught me that you can still be romantic even in your mid 60''s This year my dad just took my mom on their honeymoon to hawaii FINALLY after all these years! they definitely did not want to come back and are considering moving there for their retirement

 

[mtjoya]

My parents split up when I was 7 and my brother was a newborn. I didn''t want to get married because I saw how unhappy my mom was when my dad left. My mom taught me that I should consider very carefully before I got married because a marriage should last forever and should not end in divorce. I never had dreams as a little girl of getting married and having babies. I did have a boyfriend who proposed but did not accept my family (mom & brother). I knew that he wasn''t the right one for me.

I met my current boyfriend and knew that he was the one for me, not to sound chessy but I saw myself with him.

I am now getting married next week & expecting a baby in Feb. I feel that regardless of what happened to my parents, my views changed as soon as I met my FI. I am now very happy and appreciative that my mom was always there for us. My dad is really not in the picture but is a good dad to his other family, and was never a good dad to us. I am glad that I went through this because I have learned many lessons.

 

[Luckyeshe]

I come from a traditional Filipino family. I believe that my parents loved each other when they met and then got married. I think children (bro and I) put some stress on their relationship as well as other circumstances like the move from the Philippines to the US, the reverse roles (mom becoming the breadwinner), and the big/extended family''s involvement in daily living strained their relationship for a few years. I remember them yelling at each other and talking about divorce and talking to my brother and I as to which parent we would live with. Those were the dark times. Now, they are happier, always touching, saying "I love you" and kissing each other on the cheek whenever one leaves the other. I never got to see this growing up. I believe that if it wasn''t for my brother and I they would have probably divorced. I''m glad my parents were able to weather the tough times. They celebrated 28 years of marriage this past June.

I know that I do not believe in divorce. I also know that I am not one to rush into things without thinking about it over and over to the point of over analysis. I would follow my parents path only in the aspect that they stayed together. I do not think I could have handled all the fighting in the middle before getting to the good stuff now. I would have probably seeked conseling as well as not allow family involvement get in between my FH and myself. I''ve learned to take the good with the bad because of my parents, but I know that I''ll incorporate couples therapy and that there is no shame in asking for help if and when the time comes.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Interesting topic!

My family: never divorced, raised 4 kids, financially secure (and make good financial decisions), make time for romantic vacations with each other, make efforts to love each other, have had bad times but stayed together and worked through them, are still intimate (I think!), respect each other, take turns with chores, and both were around to raise the kids, and still happily married 30+ years later

FI''s family: never divorced, raised 2 kids, financially secure (maybe not the BEST financial decisions), dad is the bread-winner by far, never take vacation together unless its to go visit family/kids, mom screams at dad all the time (including in front of me) and is never loving towards him, they don''t sleep together anymore, both were around to raise the kid and did a good job, and are still (unhappily) married 25+ years later

I''ve told my parents numerous times that they''re relationship is a great inspiration to my upcoming marriage, and that I''m so thankful to have good role models.

I''ve b*tched to FI that his parents are a terrible example of how a marriage should function and I can''t believe they''re still together, it''s stressful (and FI agrees). I''ve told FI that if I ever treat him like his mom treats his dad, he''s welcome to leave me.

So, I guess we''ve seen both sides of the coin. I hope we end up like MY parents

 

[honey22]

My parents have been married for 40 years this year!!! They are still like teenagers in love. It really warms my heart to know they have each other for life.

I still consider my Mother to be the most incredibly patient woman and my dad''s selective deafness has probably worked wonders in their marriage

 

[4ever]

I learnt from my parents that marrige is not a happily ever after. I learn''t that if you don''t spend any time together or make an effort, it won''t be a happy relationship. I learn''t to be cautious choosing a life long partner because some times people choose wrong. I learnt that if you want to leave your husband or are unhappy in your marrige, your 3 year old daughter is the wrong person to talk to about it. I learn''t that it can be best to seperate rather then "stay together for the kids" and then screw them up anyway by telling them that''s what you''re doing.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

My parents have been together for 33 years and have had some ups & downs through the years. I always knew when there was tension in the house, though I never heard them argue. Ever, every. And they were FABULOUS parents (still are!)

Their relationship has changed, I think. Perhaps the passion is more-or-less gone, but they still love one another. I think they''ve just changed as individuals, gotten older, etc. That being said, my dad always tells me that my mom is his best friend, soul mate & life partner and he could never, ever be without her, no matter what rough patches they face.

I think they''re really enjoying being empty-nesters, too... They love to play WII and hang out with their other couple friends, sans kids.

From them I''ve learned to endure the tough times when you know you''re truly in love with your partner- that sometimes you''ll contemplate or seek counseling, consider divorce, but to FIGHT through it all. I''ve also learned to be a strong communicator, which is something they may lack. They both bottle things up when upset with the other person. I''ve also learned that I want to do eeeverything I can to keep the "fire" in my relationship. I think sex/intimacy is a major component of marriage, and I''ve seen times when there is disconnect between the two of them. I fear that will happen to me- once I hit "mid-life" that I''ll stop desiring an intimate relationship with my hubby. I so, so, so hope that is not the case.

They''ve got a strong relationship and a ton of trust in each other. They''re loving, kind people with loads of mutual respect. They''re really, truly life partners. I hope I can have a similar relationship with FI, but I also hope that FI and I don''t change TOO much from how "we are" right now. I know some change is inevitable, but... sigh... I don''t even know how to explain it.