How has your view on relationships changed from when you were 21?

[emeraldlover1]

WARNING: Long Post

Some posts lately got me thinking a lot about what was going through my mind in my early 20''s. I wouldn''t let myself get too deep into a relationship with a guy that I didn''t think had the potential to be in my life forever. However, this wasn''t without trying to make these relationships into something they were not. Just because I was, "in love" did not mean I could make it work.

After two, two-year relationships in college it was clear to me that these guys were not, "The One". I wanted them to be, but I couldn''t overlook the fact that there were some obvious signs as to why it wouldn’t work out. The first one I loved, but not on a physical level. God knows that I wanted to. He was smart, respectful, determined but...I wasn''t physically attracted to him. I tried to convince myself that I could be attracted to his mind but there wasn''t that chemistry that comes with that deep physical attraction. The one after that I had that chemistry with. Not the kind that lasts for a couple months. At two years he would still do something or look at me a certain way that just sent shivers down my spine. However, this guy did not have the same life goals that I did and I had to end it.
Also, when I was in college my reasons for dating someone were much different than they were after being on my own for sometime. My reasons for dating someone in college were much more superficial then they are now. I hate to say it but I didn''t care about if they had any aspirations in life. Its sad to say, but one of them didn''t. I discovered that is important to me.

I believe that there are people out there that know what they want much earlier than I did. Frankly, I''m jealous of those people. However, I think that most of us know that those couples are few and far between. I hate to admit that I am almost 29 and I know people my age that are divorced and remarried.

I think that most of us feel it is our duty to warn the women and men in their early twenties that there are so many more life experiences ahead of you and it is important to think about what you could endure together in your relationship, as you grow older. When I graduated college seven years ago I wasn''t thinking about if the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with could deal with my drive and ambition for career success. Sometimes you don''t know the answer to that until you experience it first hand. The older that you get the more life experiences you have to draw from. It becomes easier to see not only how your partner will react in certain stressful or happy situations, but also how you will act. I''ve learned a lot about myself just based on evaluating my reactions and wants/needs from certain situations. I''m not talking about just the bad. The good also.

So how is this different from when I was 21? I am completley responsible for myself. I have years of experience on what it is like to be able to take care of myself. I''ve faced some hard challenges when no one was there to help me pick up the pieces. It has made me more confident in myself and allowed me the opportunity to be selective choosing what I want for myself and what I think is ideal in my mate. Personally, I did not have this at 21 or earlier. I was an adult but not a fully responsible adult.

I''m not saying that there are not people here that do no know what they want or how to get it. I know that there is. One of my best friends from high school has been married for almost 10 years and has three kids. They both went to school and delt with some extreamly hard times together. However, the both know that they are lucky to have made it through those times not having a ton of life experience to grow from. I also know that there are people that are older than I am that still may not know what they want or how to get it. There are some that haven''t had as many ups and downs as I have either.

My advice to the early twenty somethings: Who is to say when the right time is to make the decision to enter into a lifetime commitment? The only one that can answer that question is you! You and your partner are the only people in your relationship. Many people will give you their oppinions along the way. You may or may not agree with them. Some people may tell you things because they truly care about you and want the best for you. I hope that 99% of the time that is why. You need to know yourself and know deep down in your heart that you are making the best decision for you. If you hesitate, maybe you should wait. There is no problem in waiting. Waiting only teaches you more about who you are.

I know what it is like to want the wedding, the husband, the kids, the house. I still want that. More than anything though, I want it to be right for us.


What kind of experiences have you had that taught you about what you want in relationships? How has that changed as you have gotten older?

 

[Laurenj915]

I don't think my view on relationships has changed. I think I am a very different person at 31 than I was at 21. I am more confitant, more laid back, more appriciative of friends and family. I have very different interests that I did when I was 21. And it's not just all that. Somehow my thought process has changed. If I read my journals from late college I do not recognize that person anymore.

I think that your twenties are a time of tremendous growth. You go from a teenager to truly feeling like an adult. Many people, me and many of my friends for example, had a very long term relatiuonship in college or after college that we thought would lead to marraige but the two people changed and grew apart.

Many of other people had a long term relationships in college or after college and the two people changed and grew together. Those relationships worked. My parents are one of those relationships. Those people are very lucky. And you know, I think the people who changed, grew apart and broke up are very lucky too. Breaking with someone is better than being unhappy and trying to make yourself "fit" with someone who just doesn't "fit" anymore.

 

[nebe]

ETA: nevermind, I'm not going there.

 

[TravelingGal]

I think there are some younger gals in this board that show a lot more wisdom that I did in my 20''s, so I don''t think it''s age specific.

Honestly, I didn''t make too many whacked out mistakes in my 20s. I figured I was young and immature. My mentor (and still very good friend) once told me that I was more mature than I thought I was because I understood I had a lot to learn. I took it as a compliment.

Where I WAS able to learn was through my friends. I believe you CAN learn a lot from other''s mistakes, and many of my girlfriends made some seriously dufidious ones. I looked at them with the same WTF? look that I still do when I read some of these posts. Fortunately I was able to mask most of my WTF feelings and be supportive, or I daresay I would be without friends at this point.

I grew up in a family where I was taught to work hard and pay my dues. I didn''t mind being at the bottom of the corporate ladder and didn''t expect anyone to give me anything. I tried not to feel any sense of entitlement in my life, which I think helped in all facets in my life. I spent my 20s bettering myself, because it was my pet peeve to hear my friends say why they loved their men so much...it was almost always "Oh, he makes me laugh, supports me in everything, is so good to me, blah blah blah." I couldn''t help but think...what happens when those things wane? And what are YOU bringing to the table?

This probably all sounds a bit righteous, but it was always how I was taught to think. My parents were strict, but loving and took no sh*t. Yes, I think I''m a bit smarter now...when I was in my 20s I was a bit more head over heels when it came to men, and was too giving, if that makes any sense. I''m just a bit more balanced now in my 30s. And like my parents, I find that I don''t take a whole lot of sh*t.

 

[decodelighted]

My Views On Relationships (that have changed since I was 21)

1. There''s more than one "soulmate" in a lifetime ... in fact, the ones that feel most "soulmatey" can be the most toxic.

2. People tell you who they are. Listen to them. "I''ve really been a dog" "I''m mean" Boasting about lies etc ... means they will do it TO YOU.

3. Love is a verb not a feeling. People who don''t ACT lovingly, aren''t "in love" with you.

4. Knowing yourself & having a full life WITHOUT a partner is the best way to attract similarly self-aware, balanced partners.

5. Jealousy is about control & the jealous person''s insecurity, not love. Not flattering.

6. Timing is everything. And some loves, you''ll lose to it.

7. Relationships are non-stop negotiation ... not "happily ever after".

That''s all I can think of for now.

 

[Tuesday]

Wow, great post! Good topic and good food for thought.

I think for me, the biggest change in my perspective on relationships (and more specifically marriage) has to do with love. Most of us tend to grow up thinking that romantic relationships are the ideal, that love conquers all, that all you need is love, etc. There''s some vague notion at that age that being an adult entails responsibility and hard work, but I think most of us honestly believe that if we love someone enough, that we can make it through anything.

That''s just not the case in real life. Love is an absolutely necessary part of the equation, but it''s not the only part, or even the biggest part. There are so many other things that are required in a relationship - things you give, things you take, things you should be prepared to sacrifice. Marriage is a commitment, it''s a job. It''s making a conscious decision every single day to support and work collaboratively toward building a life with someone regardless of how you feel about them or yourself on a particular day. Your shared future is not something that just magically appears, or just happens to work out, either. It''s something that the two of you have to work together to build - and that means you have to be capable of communicating and working with each other to achieve it.

You''re not always going to be in love with your partner. You''re not always going to like them. They''re not always going to be in love with or like you. But that''s ok. Life isn''t going to be wonderful or perfect. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee you that you''ll have more than your fair share of bad luck, heartache, and sadness. Hopefully, though, you can find someone to stand by your side through all of it, someone who makes it all worth it in the end.

 

[bubbly1126]

First off, I don''t think this post was meant at all to bash any particular age group.

I am 23 and have been with my BF for 5 years this month. Back when we were 20, we both changed so much between making new friends and just growing up that we both felt our relationship was falling apart. As a last minute ''save the relationship'' effort, BF asked me to marry him. Young and in love me, said yes.

Long story short, we ended up breaking up. Our lives had just completely taken us separate directions and we fell apart. BF, at the time, had changed so much that I felt like I didn''t know him at all. He also fell in with the wrong crowd, started smoking (cigarettes, marijuana) and drinking a lot and I''m not at all into those things. I also changed as well. I guess I became more independent and spent nearly all of my free time with friends doing random stuff and not enough time nurturing our relationship.

Here it is, 2 1/2 to 3 years later and we are together. We got back together after being apart a total of about 6 months and have been great ever since. He changed back to the person he was before everything went downhill and well, I am still independent and like to spend a lot of time with my friends but first and foremost comes my relationship with him. I''ve learned that relationships take A LOT of work and you both have to be in it to really make it work. And we are. We both are in it all the way this time around.

BF will tell you to this day how stupid he was... but also that he wouldn''t go back and change anything if he could because well, it helped us grow so much. Both individually and as a couple. It was good to be apart for a while and just do our own thing. Everyone, at some point in their lives, goes through this, regardless of what age. But we were just lucky enough to find our way back to each other. And now, I truly believe we are MUCH MORE appreciative of each other.

If we had gotten married back then? -Guaranteed, we most likely would not have made it. We still had a lot of growing to do, both together and apart to make a marriage work.

I''m not saying the same will happen to all couples who are that age and want to get married. Not at all. By all means, every relationship is different and every person is different. Like the OP said, the only people who can say what is right for your relationship is you and your SO. It''s that simple.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 11/1/2007 4:18:42 PM
Author: Tuesday
Wow, great post! Good topic and good food for thought.

I think for me, the biggest change in my perspective on relationships (and more specifically marriage) has to do with love. Most of us tend to grow up thinking that romantic relationships are the ideal, that love conquers all, that all you need is love, etc. There''s some vague notion at that age that being an adult entails responsibility and hard work, but I think most of us honestly believe that if we love someone enough, that we can make it through anything.

That''s just not the case in real life. Love is an absolutely necessary part of the equation, but it''s not the only part, or even the biggest part. There are so many other things that are required in a relationship - things you give, things you take, things you should be prepared to sacrifice. Marriage is a commitment, it''s a job. It''s making a conscious decision every single day to support and work collaboratively toward building a life with someone regardless of how you feel about them or yourself on a particular day. Your shared future is not something that just magically appears, or just happens to work out, either. It''s something that the two of you have to work together to build - and that means you have to be capable of communicating and working with each other to achieve it.

You''re not always going to be in love with your partner. You''re not always going to like them. They''re not always going to be in love with or like you. But that''s ok. Life isn''t going to be wonderful or perfect. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee you that you''ll have more than your fair share of bad luck, heartache, and sadness. Hopefully, though, you can find someone to stand by your side through all of it, someone who makes it all worth it in the end.

I could not have said it any better myself!!!

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Wow, EVERTHING changed in my early twenties. The way I view relationships and the way I viewed myself. Shoot and I’m only 24! I can’t imagine what more I will learn about myself over the next 10, 20, 30 years!

I was engaged to my high school sweetheart at 19. I “loved” him; we had been together for 5 years and bought a house together. I spent so much time convincing everyone around me that I wasn’t too young to get married and that I knew what I was doing. I didn’t. I’m not saying that all 19 year olds don’t know… some do, and that is awesome. But I didn’t. I was in a relationship that I thought was normal. Everyone always said, relationships are hard, you have to compromise. I didn’t know that I was compromising myself for this relationship, because I had never been in another serious relationship before. I didn’t KNOW that my relationship went beyond the “but no relationship is perfect” (which is what I always told myself when I thought there was somethign wrong in our relationship)

One month after purchasing a house for the two of us, the week before our five year anniversary, he broke up with me. Later I found out that he had cheated on me numerous times with friends (I did know about one occasion and took him back… that was DEFINATLY something that I learned not to do from experience) and I also found out he had a completely separate life that he kept for me. I was in love with the person that I wanted him to be (my ideal) not him. I was so devastated, not just because I lost my “love” but because I was wrong about something I was so sure of. It was TOUGH! I didn’t feel like I could trust myself.

So what happened in almost 6 years? Well, I was alone. I changed majors. I traveled all over the world. I took up painting. And eventually, after finding out what I liked about myself, I started dating to find out what I liked in a partner. I dated a lot! Haha. (I called myself an equal opportunity dater). I never dated anyone seriously; I just tested the waters, because my expectations were so high, no one ever met up to the standards. Until one day I met my now boyfriend. Two weeks went by and I was talking to my mother about him. I remember saying “I just met this guy, but I don’t know…. If things don’t work out with us… I know I’ll be ok, I’ll always be ok. I just don’t think I’ll ever find someone like him again.” And of the first time since my break-up, I felt comfortable with trusting myself in love.

And there we have it! So what have I learned about relationships from 21? I learned not to settle- to look for a realtionship that IS damn near perfect, and I learned the most important relationship and love you can have is with yourself. Once you figure yourself out, it all comes together. If you can do that at 21, that is awesome, but it just wasn’t the case for me.

I know I’ll have more to learn along the way, but I’m excited to have my guy (the right guy) by my side for it all….cheesy, I know.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Tuesday, I think your post hit the nail on the head.

 

[Independent Gal]

Delete!

 

[littlelysser]

Delete...had to run before I finished it.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

In short? I make more money, but am more tired.

When I was 21, I''d already graduated from college, was focused on my career, had my own apartment (and had been living in it for a few years), was living with then-boyfriend, now DH.

DH graduated from college when he was 18, so he''d been focused on his career for a few years, we both had individual career and financial goals as well as goals for the relationship.

We knew we didn''t want to get married utnil our mid-to-late twenties (I''m now 26, he''s 2 but seriously? We haven''t changed. I''d like to think we''re more mature, but even that is questionable, haha.

Now we''re focused on retiring early and we are TIRED, TIRED, TIRED! We planned to work really hard until we had kids, then maybe take a step back, but kids aren''t coming for another several years and we''re drained!

For whatever reason I''ve always known my type. Geeky, intelligent, funny, motivated.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

You''re not always going to be in love with your partner. You''re not always going to like them. They''re not always going to be in love with or like you. But that''s ok. Life isn''t going to be wonderful or perfect. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee you that you''ll have more than your fair share of bad luck, heartache, and sadness. Hopefully, though, you can find someone to stand by your side through all of it, someone who makes it all worth it in the end.

Tuesday, well written dear. I love this....

 

[emeraldlover1]

I''d just like to add that I started this post because I wanted to hear other peoples experiences in life. Not to talk about any one age group. I used the 20''s because it is when most of us become more independent. I think many of you have read the entire post and taken the right approach. This post is not about taking one side or the other because I think there are people that will and can argue anything. As you can see from some posts there are people early on that learned what I did not.

No one said anything but I wanted to clarify before anyone gets defensive.

 

[bee*]

Date: 11/1/2007 4:18:42 PM
Author: Tuesday
Wow, great post! Good topic and good food for thought.


I think for me, the biggest change in my perspective on relationships (and more specifically marriage) has to do with love. Most of us tend to grow up thinking that romantic relationships are the ideal, that love conquers all, that all you need is love, etc. There''s some vague notion at that age that being an adult entails responsibility and hard work, but I think most of us honestly believe that if we love someone enough, that we can make it through anything.


That''s just not the case in real life. Love is an absolutely necessary part of the equation, but it''s not the only part, or even the biggest part. There are so many other things that are required in a relationship - things you give, things you take, things you should be prepared to sacrifice. Marriage is a commitment, it''s a job. It''s making a conscious decision every single day to support and work collaboratively toward building a life with someone regardless of how you feel about them or yourself on a particular day. Your shared future is not something that just magically appears, or just happens to work out, either. It''s something that the two of you have to work together to build - and that means you have to be capable of communicating and working with each other to achieve it.


You''re not always going to be in love with your partner. You''re not always going to like them. They''re not always going to be in love with or like you. But that''s ok. Life isn''t going to be wonderful or perfect. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee you that you''ll have more than your fair share of bad luck, heartache, and sadness. Hopefully, though, you can find someone to stand by your side through all of it, someone who makes it all worth it in the end.

I agree with this totally. I''m 25 and I started going out with D over 8 years ago and have never split up within that time, so in terms of learning from my relationships, I can only base it on the one. I still remember back when we were about 19/20 saying to each other that we would marry each other that second if we could. Never thought about the logistics, nothing like that. Even though I''m still quite young, I have changed sooo much from then. I agree with Tuesday in that back then, I thought that love was all you need. Who cares about anything else but that. Now I can see that although obviously you need to love each other, there are so many other things you need. I can see now that I couldn''t be with D unless he was ambitious and knew where he wanted to go in life. You need to be financially stable before you can get married and live together as your own family, I really recommend travelling before you settle down. It can be done as a couple, D and I have travelled all over the world together and it made us so close. For me, I''m thrilled that we waited until we did to get engaged. Obviously it was tough waiting sometimes and I would have said yes in a second if he''d asked beforehand, but I honestly don''t know if we would have lasted if we had. Now we both have our own careers, money, independence etc. It was just the time for us.

 

[Aloros]

Love is NOT enough. No feeling can be sustained, forever and ever without end. There has to be a strong foundation beneath those feelings. If, barring romantic feelings, you couldn’t see yourself maintaining a long-lasting friendship with the person you’re dating (and be HONEST), then you shouldn’t be dating them.

‘Til death do us part is a very, very long time. It’s so hard to have a clear idea of exactly how long this is. It is binding yourself to another person FOR LIFE. You have only one life to live, and you are choosing to spend the rest of it with this one person. Sounds romantic, but are you willing to deal with all their quirks and annoyances day in and day out until one of you dies?

Words are cheap. It takes only a little effort and a bit of air to say “I love you”, “you mean the world to me”, “I want to make you happy”, etc. If the man in your life is not actively making you a priority and keeping his word, then he’s probably not worth the time and the effort.

Are you truly, sincerely, ok with him just the way he is? Trying to change someone else is a pointless endeavor and a waste of energy. That other person has to want to change and actively be working toward it. “I want to change” or “I’m working on it” doesn’t count. (see above – words are cheap).

Are your life goals compatible? If one of you wants to travel the world for five years, and the other wants to buy a house ASAP and have kids…well, you’ll have some difficulty working this out. In addition, it shows some underlying personality differences that could cause conflict later in the relationship.

Relationships are hard sometimes, but they shouldn’t be TOO hard. Ideally, a good relationship should enhance your life, not detract from it.

Date someone you can be proud of, and not just for their looks. If you’re embarrassed by them…not a good sign.

Fundamentally, a successful relationship isn’t about hearts and flowers or winning and losing – it’s about two people in a partnership working toward common goals while at the same time striving to keep the other person happy (while not interfering with their own happiness!). It’s a very difficult balance to strike, and one that needs two mentally, emotionally, and physically compatible people. I don’t believe in soulmates, but I do believe that some people mesh better than others.

All just my opinion, of course. These are the lessons in love and relationships I’ve taken from my early twenties. Who knows what else I''ll learn in the next ten years!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I meant to add that what I see with women in their early twenties is that they have a more difficult time balancing relationship goals with individual goals. Your twenties are a time for individual growth and that can happen within a relationsihp. When a woman puts the relationship in front of her own goals, however, she often finds herself in trouble down the road.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/1/2007 4:16:22 PM
Author: decodelighted
My Views On Relationships (that have changed since I was 21)

4. Knowing yourself & having a full life WITHOUT a partner is the best way to attract similarly self-aware, balanced partners.

Thank you for saying this! I say this to my friends that complain about not having a man. I honestly do not understand the obsession. I always felt that I should focus on myself, making myself a better person. I felt like that attracted me to people that were worth while.

But in my early twenties, I did not care about having a boyfriend. I didn''t care for committment at all to be honest. It wasn''t until my current, and honestly ONLY long term relationship, that I realized why people wanted to get married. We got together when we were 24 and I can honestly say we grew together (with a lot of headbutting along the way). I actually feel secure in the idea of marriage with him because we fully discussed, as adults, what we want out of life. I don''t think I would have been capable of that in my early 20s and perhaps thats why I never wanted a serious relationship. It frightens me when so many young women are so rush rush and gunho about marriage. So much can change in so little time.

 

[MoonWater]

Kudos to the great posts by Tuesday and Aloros!

 

[Pandora II]

I''m now 35 and have had 5 ''serious'' relationships since I was 18 (7 years, 2 years, 1 year, 2 years, and FI - 3 years and onwards ...) and some very short-term dating scenarios.

What have I learnt:

1. To stop focusing on my partners interests and needs to the detriment of my own.

2. That people do not change unless they want to and even then it may not be successful. A fundamentally untidy person will never turn into a neatfreak, and an abusive person will normally become more abusive.

3. The right relationship should feel comfortable. If you have dated toxic people, you will find comfortable very difficult to adjust to.

4. To date men with the same values and life-goals as my own, a similar level of intelligence and a similar family background.

5. Men who cheat on their partners with you, will cheat on you in the end.

6. If a man is into you, you will know about it - if he''s not calling, treating you right, there is NOTHING you can do to change this. Just walk away. Ditto, if a man is interested - he will call, he will pin you down for a date. If he doesn''t: he has not lost your number, he is not too shy, he is not busy, his mother did not just die - he just doesn''t want to see you. If you call him, you will only humiliate yourself.

7. You can love many, many people in the world. Who you marry is about both of you being in the right place at the right time.

8. Getting engaged is not a goal to strive for or a prize to win, it is just the official declaration of a logical progression of the relationship.

9. Being totally independent of your parents, supporting yourself 100% and a good range of life experiences are important steps in learning to know yourself and your priorities in life.

10. Being ''in love'' does not mean a relationship is healthy, neither does amazing chemistry. One of the men I had the most incredible chemistry with, was completely incapable of having a decent conversation and had never read a book...

11. If there is no chemisty, no matter how hard you try or how long you google ''creating chemistry'', it will not happen. I tried for 2 years and made us both very unhappy. Sadly, it is possible that one person feels amazing chemisty and the other does not - which make it very hard.

12. That I still feel 18 inside, but have a lot more confidence, security and faith in myself.

13. Your mother is normally right

and finally:

When that little voice in your head tells you things, listen to it - it''s rarely wrong and can save you a lot of grief.


I took a long time to learn all of this, and I only now feel ready for marriage - others may well get there a lot sooner. Horses for courses...

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/1/2007 7:14:27 PM
Author: Pandora II


6. If a man is into you, you will know about it - if he''s not calling, treating you right, there is NOTHING you can do to change this. Just walk away. Ditto, if a man is interested - he will call, he will pin you down for a date. If he doesn''t: he has not lost your number, he is not too shy, he is not busy, his mother did not just die - he just doesn''t want to see you. If you call him, you will only humiliate yourself.

"He''s just not into you"

Seriously, all really great advice (cept the part about moms, my mom was NOT right my lord).

 

[ringster]

one thing i learned from my 20s which took me a long time to learn

* don''t stay with someone just because you think they will fall apart if you leave

i knew it didn''t feel right but he was a cute, nice guy, great physical chemistry and i thought that he would be a wreck if i left. i finally realized that it was pretty arrogant of me to think that he wouldn''t be able to survive w/o me and it was also not my responsibility for how he dealt with the break-up

it was hard to break-up and harder to see him so distraught but i''m glad for both of us that i did so. after several relationships i finally found my guy - who by the way is totally not anyone i would have expected to end up with! another thing i learned - look beyond the physical and look for those "diamonds in the rough" . i think my guy is really cute but i frankly wouldn''t have looked twice at him in my 20s.

 

[cellososweet]

Date: 11/1/2007 3:43:34 PM
Author:emeraldlover1

My advice to the early twenty somethings: Who is to say when the right time is to make the decision to enter into a lifetime commitment? The only one that can answer that question is you! You and your partner are the only people in your relationship. Many people will give you their oppinions along the way. You may or may not agree with them. Some people may tell you things because they truly care about you and want the best for you. I hope that 99% of the time that is why. You need to know yourself and know deep down in your heart that you are making the best decision for you. If you hesitate, maybe you should wait. There is no problem in waiting. Waiting only teaches you more about who you are.

I know what it is like to want the wedding, the husband, the kids, the house. I still want that. More than anything though, I want it to be right for us.

Shouldn''t this be advice to all women in general? I have several friends who are in their 30''s with a great career and are "established" who are considered marriage to people who are all wrong because they "want a family" and are "getting up there in age" (rolls eyes. so ridiculous! it ain''t over ''til you stop breathing. you''re not old) I''m still young, so I can''t really say much. But. . . isn''t the joy in life that we rediscover ourselves on a daily basis? Age is a number. Life experience is a better gauge of how ready you are for anything. Whether it be marriage, kids or a career change. I learned early on that love is give and take. I had a great example of this in my parents. I saw them be angry with eachother and work it out with respect. I saw those times when they didn''t do such a good job and they were always honest about it. My mother told me as a child that life takes work. And it does. My marriage is wonderful because it''s so imperfectly perfect. Knowing that anger is ok, but that disrespect is not. Knowing how to give and take. Compromise (real compromise, where both people meet in the middle. When one person gets what they want and the other is miserable, that isn''t a compromise). Knowing that if I fell apart at any point, DH would be right there to help me (and boy have we had our share of family crises, personal crises, etc). Your right. . nobody knows when your ready but you and your SO. And yes. . .people will give you "advice." Get used to it. There will be plenty!

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 11/2/2007 12:58:32 AM
Author: cellososweet

Date: 11/1/2007 3:43:34 PM
Author:emeraldlover1


My advice to the early twenty somethings: Who is to say when the right time is to make the decision to enter into a lifetime commitment? The only one that can answer that question is you! You and your partner are the only people in your relationship. Many people will give you their oppinions along the way. You may or may not agree with them. Some people may tell you things because they truly care about you and want the best for you. I hope that 99% of the time that is why. You need to know yourself and know deep down in your heart that you are making the best decision for you. If you hesitate, maybe you should wait. There is no problem in waiting. Waiting only teaches you more about who you are.

I know what it is like to want the wedding, the husband, the kids, the house. I still want that. More than anything though, I want it to be right for us.

Shouldn''t this be advice to all women in general? I have several friends who are in their 30''s with a great career and are ''established'' who are considered marriage to people who are all wrong because they ''want a family'' and are ''getting up there in age'' (rolls eyes. so ridiculous! it ain''t over ''til you stop breathing. you''re not old) I''m still young, so I can''t really say much. But. . . isn''t the joy in life that we rediscover ourselves on a daily basis? Age is a number. Life experience is a better gauge of how ready you are for anything. Whether it be marriage, kids or a career change. I learned early on that love is give and take. I had a great example of this in my parents. I saw them be angry with eachother and work it out with respect. I saw those times when they didn''t do such a good job and they were always honest about it. My mother told me as a child that life takes work. And it does. My marriage is wonderful because it''s so imperfectly perfect. Knowing that anger is ok, but that disrespect is not. Knowing how to give and take. Compromise (real compromise, where both people meet in the middle. When one person gets what they want and the other is miserable, that isn''t a compromise). Knowing that if I fell apart at any point, DH would be right there to help me (and boy have we had our share of family crises, personal crises, etc). Your right. . nobody knows when your ready but you and your SO. And yes. . .people will give you ''advice.'' Get used to it. There will be plenty!

Maybe. Like I said in my post, some people know at a young age, what I did not. Some people will never get there.

The post really doesn''t have anything to do with age other than the fact that I stated there have been a lot of posts going around latley specific to age and length of relationships. I was hoping that starting a general discussion about what some of us have learned with the hope that it would give people who may be reading an opportunity to learn something without it being directed at a specific person. I''ve already learned a lot about the way others think just by reading the previous posts. Thank you to those who understood the nature of the question at hand.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Background: I''ve been with my husband for 5 years, 6 in May of 2008. I met him when I was only 19 and in college. We married when I was 22 and I''m 25 now. I love him to bits. I''ve had 1 other "serious" relationship and I dated a lot in college.

Things that I have learned -

1. Relationships are about compromise. You have to be willing to meet in the middle. If not, be prepared for a lot of never-ending arguments.

2. In line with compromise, sometimes you have to sacrifice. Whether it be a material object or going without _______ to get by then sometimes that''s what it means and you just have to deal with it.

3. Trust. You MUST trust your partner 100%. If not then what are you doing?

4. Patience. My husband always tells me that patience is a virtue and that I need more of it. I''m an instant-gratification sort of person. When I see something I like I want it now. Not in a week, month or a year. NOW. My husband has taught me that sometimes the best things in life are worth waiting for - just as long as you''re patient.

5. You have to crawl before you can walk and walk before you can run so take it easy and stop comparing yourself to the "Joneses" because there will always be someone with bigger, better, more expensive things than you and it''s not worth getting down about.

6. You should be on the same page before making major decisions and you should discuss major topics before getting married/engaged/moving in together. This includes: Finances, religion, children, family, sex, careers, education and life in general.

7. You can''t change people - they have to want to change and sometimes it''s not for the better.

8. Communication - My husband and I are pretty good at communicating with each other. I''m not a mind reader and neither is he so speak up if there is something going on or if you need to get something off of your chest.

There''s more, I know, but I gotta go!

~Jess~

 

[ringster]

well said DivaDiamond007! you are tons more wiser than i was in my mid 20s

 

[misysu2]

Date: 11/1/2007 4:16:22 PM
Author: decodelighted
My Views On Relationships (that have changed since I was 21)

1. There''s more than one ''soulmate'' in a lifetime ... in fact, the ones that feel most ''soulmatey'' can be the most toxic.

2. People tell you who they are. Listen to them. ''I''ve really been a dog'' ''I''m mean'' Boasting about lies etc ... means they will do it TO YOU.

3. Love is a verb not a feeling. People who don''t ACT lovingly, aren''t ''in love'' with you.

4. Knowing yourself & having a full life WITHOUT a partner is the best way to attract similarly self-aware, balanced partners.

5. Jealousy is about control & the jealous person''s insecurity, not love. Not flattering.

6. Timing is everything. And some loves, you''ll lose to it.

7. Relationships are non-stop negotiation ... not ''happily ever after''.

That''s all I can think of for now.

YES! I learned these the hard way from a man I dated before my FI. We were like twins, had the same interests and hobbies, and everyone (including the both of us) expected us to get married. Now my FI and I are complete opposites and love eachother so completely.

 

[Sabine]

When FI and I graduated from college, we had been together for 2 years. I thought I was ready to marry him then and there. Instead, we moved in together, continued to pursue our own goals, and (something I am SOO grateful for), learned to GROW together. In past relationships, if things weren''t perfect, I ended it. But FI and I have learned about the work aspect of relationships that so many of you have eloquently written about. Looking back, I can see how easily things could have turned out differently if we didn''t continue to grow in the same path. It''s been 5 years now, adn although we are still relatively young, I think by going through such a learning time in our lives together we have built such a solid base for our marriage. So basically what I''ve learned is that no matter what age you are, you should give yourselves TIME to see if your lives really are moving in the same direction before making any huge decisions.

 

[cellososweet]

Date: 11/2/2007 11:30:57 AM
Author: emeraldlover1

Date: 11/2/2007 12:58:32 AM
Author: cellososweet

Date: 11/1/2007 3:43:34 PM
Author:emeraldlover1




My advice to the early twenty somethings: Who is to say when the right time is to make the decision to enter into a lifetime commitment? The only one that can answer that question is you! You and your partner are the only people in your relationship. Many people will give you their oppinions along the way. You may or may not agree with them. Some people may tell you things because they truly care about you and want the best for you. I hope that 99% of the time that is why. You need to know yourself and know deep down in your heart that you are making the best decision for you. If you hesitate, maybe you should wait. There is no problem in waiting. Waiting only teaches you more about who you are.

I know what it is like to want the wedding, the husband, the kids, the house. I still want that. More than anything though, I want it to be right for us.

Shouldn't this be advice to all women in general? I have several friends who are in their 30's with a great career and are 'established' who are considered marriage to people who are all wrong because they 'want a family' and are 'getting up there in age' (rolls eyes. so ridiculous! it ain't over 'til you stop breathing. you're not old) I'm still young, so I can't really say much. But. . . isn't the joy in life that we rediscover ourselves on a daily basis? Age is a number. Life experience is a better gauge of how ready you are for anything. Whether it be marriage, kids or a career change. I learned early on that love is give and take. I had a great example of this in my parents. I saw them be angry with eachother and work it out with respect. I saw those times when they didn't do such a good job and they were always honest about it. My mother told me as a child that life takes work. And it does. My marriage is wonderful because it's so imperfectly perfect. Knowing that anger is ok, but that disrespect is not. Knowing how to give and take. Compromise (real compromise, where both people meet in the middle. When one person gets what they want and the other is miserable, that isn't a compromise). Knowing that if I fell apart at any point, DH would be right there to help me (and boy have we had our share of family crises, personal crises, etc). Your right. . nobody knows when your ready but you and your SO. And yes. . .people will give you 'advice.' Get used to it. There will be plenty!

Maybe. Like I said in my post, some people know at a young age, what I did not. Some people will never get there.

The post really doesn't have anything to do with age other than the fact that I stated there have been a lot of posts going around latley specific to age and length of relationships. I was hoping that starting a general discussion about what some of us have learned with the hope that it would give people who may be reading an opportunity to learn something without it being directed at a specific person. I've already learned a lot about the way others think just by reading the previous posts. Thank you to those who understood the nature of the question at hand.

Woah!. . . I did understand the question at hand and didn't have anything to add to the already great advice and conversation that came before me regarding your question. I don't know why you seem to have taken offense to what I said. Maybe because I said that people will give you advice and to get used to it. I wasn't aiming that at you specifically. I was just re-emphasizing your point that a lot of people will have opinions and that only "you" would know. The you wasn't actually. . you. :-/ I believe I did write what I've learned. My post wasn't specific to anyone. I was actually agreeing with your p.o.v but extending it to people of all ages. :-/ Sorry if it came off wrong. I just responded to that particular part with a discussion on age because your advice said: "to you early twenty somethings." I just wanted to extend it to everyone. sorry if i rubbed you the wrong way.

edited for spelling. probably still missed some