How important is having parents who love each other?

[pennquaker09]

To quote TravelingGal, "I am a big believer in forgiveness." This isn''t something I really share, to be honest, I don''t even know the last time I talked about it, but anyway. I had a highly abusive boyfriend when I was in high school. He came from a great hoe. His parents were great, but there was just something from within that would make him lose it.

 

[miraclesrule]

Pennquaker- Sometimes a typo just has a way of breaking the tension. And yours certainly did that for me. Thanks, that was too funny. It took me reading it twice to realize you meant ''home". I thought you were venting.

 

[AmberWaves]

DH and I tend to think that we''re who we are now because of what we''ve been through. Ten years ago we dated and broke up because I was childish and he was too nice of a good guy.

I didn''t think I deserved it, so I ended it. 6 years later, after a few terrible relationships I thought about him. Took my chance and tried again, and despite telling myself that I may not deserve him, I overrode myself and said, "Damn it, you DO deserve it". And here we are, married.

Poor guy has to hear me asking him if he''s sure he loves me all the time. He understands, though.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 6/18/2008 2:22:44 PM
Author:AmberWaves
Growing up I had both parents in the home, but it wasn''t a happy home. It was obvious they had no affection for each other, and were just ''doing the right thing'' by staying together for the kids. It was a very volatile home with arguments and fighting, and constant tears. To combat this, I became the scapegoat, trying to detract their attention from each other to myself. My brother turned inward and became a bit of a hermit. They made it known to us that they were only together for us (Yes, it was terrible to say that to us), and that while they loved US, they didn''t love each other.

It stayed that way until I moved out at 21, when my mom finally left. Now there is no interaction between them, but at least the animosity is gone, which is a blessing. Still, I often wonder what kind of person I would be now, had I either had two parents who loved each other, or two parents who split up, saving us from the violence.

What are your opinions? Do you believe it''s better to stay together for the kids (in a very hateful home), or separate to save them from seeing how your relationship has changed? I know a lot of families aren''t as angry and bitter as mine, so I know there are definitely some amicable separations, but in my case, I truly don''t know what would have done more harm. Fighting is what I thought was normal, and every day I have to try to change that.

I grew up in the same situation, and used to go to bed at night praying that my parents divorced. They''re in their early 60s now and still together (Catholics) and it''s so sad to me that these people will have spent their whole lives making each other miserable.

 

[risingsun]

I see things from both the childrens'' and parents'' perspectives in my practice. The parents believe that are keeping their difficulties from the children. When I speak with the children, I discover that this isn''t accurate. Children observe their parents very closely and have a fairly realistic view of the state of the marriage. Some children make it their mission to find out what is going on with their parents--and they are quite good at investigating the situation. In an ideal world, it would be optimal for a child to be raised by parents who love each other. In the real world, it makes all the difference if each parent can respect each other and love the child--placing that child''s needs before the issues that exist between the parents. The number of parents I encounter that are unwilling or unable to do this is heartbreaking.

 

[anchor31]

Everything I''m going to say here are things that FI told me himself about his parents... who are staying in a 33 years totally miserable marriage.

FI once told me that he believes his father married his mother and had children because he felt like he had too, not because he wanted to. Not a very good start... And he seems to have resented his wife and children all this time. FI said he was repeatedly hit on the back of the head and called worthless by his father growing up. He stopped paying for anything relating to his children as soon as they turned 18 and asked for rent, even if they were still in school. About 8 years ago, he cheated on his wife. Meanwhile, FI''s mom has been doing... nothing. She''s miserable, but she''s (again, quoting FI) "too chicken" to divorce him. She never stood up for her children. Despite their misery, I guess they''re somewhat "comfortable"... His dad likes having the woman to to his cooking and cleaning, and his mom likes having a man paying for the roof over their heads and food on the table. FI certainly wishes they had divorced a long time ago.

 

[KimberlyH]

Every child I have ever encountered whose parents were unhappily married knows it, on some level, and it affects them all in different ways. Some become better at relationships others don''t know how to form them at all. It''s hard to make a blanket statement about what is most important in a childs'' development, because there are so many factors involved, but I would say it is best for parents to be happily unmarried, and co-parenting, rather than unhappily married. In short, what Indy said.