How is your relationship with FMIL?

[Lilac]

Ally-
I''m sorry you FMIL is giving you so many problems!! It sounds like she (understandably) is still mourning her husband, but she shouldn''t be trying to turn your wedding into a mini memorial service for him. I hope things go smoothly the rest of the way, and I think the things you are already doing to honor him sound wonderful. You should be able to celebrate at your own wedding and make your own decisions about what is being done since YOU''RE paying for it yourself!

My MIL is really difficult. She always was during the 4 and a half years DH and I dated, and she continues to be now that we''re married. She always thought he was her "baby" and too young to get married and I "stole him away" and therefore never really accepted me or included me. She''s very judgmental, clingy, possessive and extremely self-centered. She never invited me over to her house all the years we dated (and we lived only about a mile away from each other) and she only called me when she couldn''t reach him and wanted to know if I knew where he was. I''ve pretty much tried to stop caring what she thinks of me because at this point, I''ve spent so many years trying to get her to like me or for us to have a good relationship and I''m realizing she just has no interest so it''s not really worth frustrating and upsetting myself even more.

My FIL is pretty much exactly like my MIL but instead of being passive aggressive, he''s just outright mean sometimes.

But on the bright side, my husband is the best man I have ever met and treats me better than I ever could have dreamed of, so at least they did something right!

And he has always been on my side whenever it comes to them saying anything against me or against my family.

 

[CaliCushion]

Ally,

I''m so sorry you have to deal with all of this. I know it can be hard to say no to others, but this is your wedding, and you''re paying for it. I don''t know if I missed something, but where is your fiance in all of this? Does he think that it''s ok for his Mom to be so involved in the decision making? If you and your fiance are on the same page, it might be a lot easier for him to approach his Mom about all of this.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 6/5/2009 8:04:30 AM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
Im sorry Allycat but I can''t answer this one.
I made the mistake of telling my MIL and FSIL about pricescope. They now stalk pricescope for my threads and then get upset with me for what I write (telling the family and everyone!).

So I can''t respond........... LOL - at least you are not in my shoes!

LOL! I wonder what your MIL and SIL will say about this post! My in-laws would do the exact same thing, which exactly why I don''t post anything that could make me recognizable!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Ally I just realized I spent all of the time talking about myself and didn''t talk to you specifically..I just wanted to drop back in and say I am so sorry you feel this way. Please do not let FMIL push you into anything else, stand your ground as much as possible. Sending you huge hugs and prayers, you''re a fighter..I know you''ll get through this!

 

[16ocean]

Date: 6/5/2009 8:12:48 AM
Author: SapphireLover

Date: 6/5/2009 8:04:30 AM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
Im sorry Allycat but I can''t answer this one.

I made the mistake of telling my MIL and FSIL about pricescope. They now stalk pricescope for my threads and then get upset with me for what I write (telling the family and everyone!).

So I can''t respond........... LOL - at least you are not in my shoes!

Just noticed this- why oh why would you tell them? You need to cancel your membership, register in a new name and get B!TCH!N''

DITTO!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Thanks Ally, I really appreciated the kind words. I almost posted a thread here a while ago about it, but I didn''t have the energy. And yes, she has NO input now. And H has since cut most of her friends (except the ones he considers close family friends) from the guest list as we can''t afford to invite people WE want there, let alone her stupid friends. When I think about it, its really sad. She was soooo excited to get a daughter, H is an only child. I was excited to get to know her better and have her help me along the way. Now I don''t want her opinion much less her help, afraid she might get a whiff of some control in the air! Anyways, I digress.


I think you have been more than willing to honor your late FIL. MORE than willing! And the things she wants you to do are outrageous. OUTRAGEOUS! Invite some extra friends, OK (but not as many as she did, yikes!). Have some readings, OK. Display his picture, OK. When it comes to the church and alcohol, WHOA. I hope that was a decision you and your FI came upon, but I have a feeling it wasn''t. Open bar, wine, and now a champagne toast! RIDICULOUS! Does she have no respect! Does she have no common courtesy?!?!?! That is serious! And now she wants to choose your processional song!

That is just unacceptable! Please put your foot down! I would even say cancel the champagne if you can at this point. Black ribbons, black dresses, this IS NOT a second funeral. I understand she is mourning her husband, but could she please celebrate her son''s marriage as well! I could go on, its ridiculous.

My FMIL may have said some nasty things, but the consolation I have is that she made assumptions, and said some stupid things. Yes I was really hurt, but H put her in her place. I am also wanting to know where you FI is during all this?

Stay strong girl! Make sure you can enjoy your own wedding. I hope it will be one of the many happy days in your future! And please come vent here when ever you need too!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I don''t get to spend much time with fmil (living across the country and all) but i think she is awesome You don''t hear this often but she really is a cool lady and i can''t wait to be part of her family

 

[galvana]

Date: 6/5/2009 8:12:48 AM
Author: SapphireLover

Date: 6/5/2009 8:04:30 AM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
Im sorry Allycat but I can''t answer this one.

I made the mistake of telling my MIL and FSIL about pricescope. They now stalk pricescope for my threads and then get upset with me for what I write (telling the family and everyone!).

So I can''t respond........... LOL - at least you are not in my shoes!

Just noticed this- why oh why would you tell them? You need to cancel your membership, register in a new name and get B!TCH!N''

I guess because Im stupid. LOL - FMIL asked how the wedding plans were going and I told her i discovered this great website to give me lots of ideas and advice and I NEVER in my wildest dreams she and FSIL would log on, look for me, read my posts, and then get upset at me for them~! I have thought about canceling and coming back "incognito" but its so hard.
i can''t talk about ANYTHING or they''ll find me again, i mean seriously what is the point? lol
do i sound negative, i guess im just done caring. my mistake i should have never mentioned PS in the first place. i hope others here learn from my HUGE mistake..... and never ever EVER mention PS to anyone.

 

[allycat0303]

CaliCushion: I did talk to my fiance about it. I don't know if it's because I didn't articulate it well or what. It was kind of unclear, I didn't push, it but he says he talked to his mother, and she hadn't really said "It was too asian". Although, she said it to ME directly another time, so I don't think I was imagining it.

ilovesparkles: Thank God you have your fiance to help you! It sounds like your FMIL is kind of horrible.

tlh: She IS still in mourning. So I understand, which is one of the reasons I feel like I can't push this issue to much, I feel like it would be really inappropriate considering she just lost her husband.

october2008bride, tyty333 She calls me EVERYDAY. And everyday also brings things that she is not happy with. i.e yesturday, her oldest son, can't sit sideways in the limo they demanded, because he feels unwell. I'm to find a limo with normal seating. The guy is 40 YEARS OLD. And it's my cell phone, and I'm on vacation so I can't just not answer. Although I'm getting there.

fiery: I didn't know you were pregnant!!! Congrats to you and your man! And enjoy this special time in your life!

PilsnPinkysMom, Morgie: I'm jealous! And sad, because I would have qualified my relationship with FMIL the same way before the wedding planning.

Cocolaw:

. She'll know about any problems before you do! Or dear. Talk about boundary issues.

rhbgirl24: I'm glad your wedding bought you closer. I'm beginning to think this is the exception rather then the rule.

bee* aww, it's because you are one tough cookie!

Lilac: I think that is a very, very difficult situation. I'm surprised you can even be civil with her. Those mothers with the "stole away" attitude really get to me though. It doesn't sound to me like she's ever going to accept you as his wife. Although, at this point, I wouldn't want to either.

oobiecoo: Does your husband accept your strike? Or is he pushing for a resolution?

SarahLovesJS: How strange that her behavior changed so much!! Was there a specific incident or she kind of just soured on you? I can't stand being ignored. That's the one thing that makes me really aggressive. Talk about 180 degree change. I think wedding bring out the worst in people. Or bring stuff about the relationship to the surface.

I realized 2 things a) FMIL is not that bad b) But I am REALLY starting to resent her. She often ignores my suggestions as though I didn't make them. For example, we are PAYING for the reheresal dinner. I suggested our favorite Viet resturant. She said, "My intestines can't handle that kind of food. We'll have it here." She has NEVER had Viet food. It's her unwillingness to try something new, and she uses her *intestines*, which really, she has NO PROBLEMS with, to ensure I don't say no. Because I would be a jerk.

There's also snide comments that the wedding being *too asian*. What we are having a) Lion dance b) Viet appetizers for cocktail. That's it. I kind of feel like she thinks my culture is secondary, or less important then hers. Added to the alchohol + Catholic church thing, I feel she thinks they're family is *better then mine*. And worst of all, no one has said "Thank you" for making these sacrifices. She proceeded with the very expectation that *of course this is the way to do things* Call me a total jerk, but that's how I feel.

As for fiance. Well. I have voiced these problems to him. About 1 month ago, after a thread about all the stuff they wanted me to do, I kind of just lost it. I decided to call off the wedding. I was immovable for about a week. Left our house, went home, cried for days. I was unwilling and unable to deal with FMIL demands for a second funeral. I loved my FFIL. He was a wonderful man, but I could not deal with her demands. And even worst, that my fiance seemed to think a second funeral was appropriate. We worked it out, and FMIL retreated for a while, and relented on some issues. But I think it's starting to rear it's ugly head again. And some of the past stuff was brushed under the rug, and I'm still really resentful.

I think that FFIL was a buffer between us. He had an a very open mind about my culture. He was all for incorperating as many Viet traditions as possible. I think that I'm realizing FMIL is very close-minded. And I have the uneasy feeling she feels my culture is *dirty or inferior* to hers, while FIL never thought that, so it kind of hid her feelings. If that makes any sense.

 

[Porridge]

Wow Ally, what a crappy situation. I''m no psychologist, but a few things popped into my head when I was reading your last post. It seems to me that she''s trying to regain control after the loss of her husband. I think a lot of people do this after a traumatic loss or event. Their world is totally changed and there is nothing they can do about it, so they try very hard to cling back some control, wherever possible. I think maybe at this time, the wedding is naturally going to be picked as the focus of control, because a wedding is a family event, and family is just what she has lost. I would hope that instead of seeing your culture as being beneath her, that she is trying desperately instead to keep everything around her as familiar as possible. Her life has been altered forever after the death of her husband and she cannot handle any more change. Does that make any sense? I don''t think it''s because she doesn''t like your culture. I think (I hope) that at the moment she''s just not capable of anything different to what she''s used to.

So I think this mix of her 1)needing to regain control and 2)needing everything around her to stay familiar is just a disastrous mix at the moment. It''s so unfair that this is happening to you and ruining your wedding. But maybe if you keep those two things in mind when dealing with her it will make things easier? Maybe you could think of ways to make her feel like she has some control and to make her feel like things are just the same as always to help her to calm down and feel less threatened. I know you have more than enough on your plate, and this IS YOUR TIME, and I''m not excusing her behaviour, but she is family and she''s grieving, there''s no getting around it.

Again, I don''t mean pander to her every wish, at all, she''s totally out of line and you should 100% do what you want to do for your wedding. These are just things that came to me and maybe if I''m in the right direction then understanding why she''s behaving the way she is will make things a little easier for you.

 

[E B]

Ally,

I''m so frustrated for you, hon. Your MIL is overstepping boundaries, especially since you and your fiance are paying for the wedding. If I were you, I''d put my foot down from this moment forward- no wedding march, no more overt signs of mourning. I''d also cancel the champagne toast- $2000 for a few sips of champagne? No friggin'' way!

She''s been given plenty, IMO- don''t bend over backwards to change anything else for her! Stay strong, lady.

 

[katamari]

Ally, I also agree that you have been so accommodating. At this point, I would just omit some things and act like it didn''t happen, to be honest. Give an innocent "Someone messed up and didn''t reserve the champagne. What a bummer" and be done with it. Either that or just have the wedding that you want and deal with her after the fact. Then you can just say "well, it''s done now" and be done. I do think you have done more than what any of the rest of us would do to compromise and you have been asked to do incredibly unreasonable things. Hopefully when she is not grieving so intensively, she will recognize this and you two can restore the relationship you used to have.

 

[Diamond Confused]

I feel ya!!! FMIL thinks that she has a say in the wedding planning and she so doesn''t. We aren''t even married yet and she already thinks she has a say in my life. We need to put our foot down now or the MILs will be telling us how to raise our children

 

[packrat]

Yikes! Your last post..the "too asian" stuff and..well jeez everything else too..wow. So..what''s on her agenda after you guys are married? She planning on naming your kids to make sure you don''t pick a name that''s too asian? She planning on raising your kids Catholic or will she *allow* you to decide? She sounds so controlling and overbearing. I understand she wants to remember her late husband during the wedding..but it''s a wedding, not a wake. It''s supposed to be a day celebrating the union of you and your FI..not a day for everyone to console her. That sounds mean..but it''s not about *her*. As for her making the decisions..the things she''s decided *for* you that you don''t want, I really feel that since you guys are the ones paying, either just cancel the stuff and tell her, nicely, that you talked about it and don''t want to spend the money on something you don''t really want to have..or tell her first-"You know, we''ve been talking about the champagne toast, and I know it''s something you really want us to do, but we just can''t justify spending the extra money on it right now." She can either pony up the dough for it, or not.

I sound so crabby about it, I know..but my experience has been..give her an inch, she''ll take a mile. There''s nothing wrong w/compromise, I''m the first to admit that..but it''s your wedding and you''re paying for it, so only compromise on the things you want. I started putting my foot down about stuff..at first I didn''t want to ruffle feathers but after a while it got to the point of "Hello? This is MY wedding, MY house, MY kids"..and my MIL did take advantage when I''d relent.

I do hope it gets better for you and I''m sorry you''re having to deal w/all this extra stress!

 

[icekid]

ally- I am not close with my MIL, but we get along fine. Fortunately, for the most part, she recognized that our wedding was just that, OURS. What helped was we gave her a few specific tasks that really suited her talents. She did a wonderful job on those! It made her feel useful, but didn''t give her much control.. if you know what I mean hehe. Tell her to back off!

Why is your FMIL obsessed with limos and champagne toasts?? Of all silly things... we did not bother with a limo either (ceremony and reception in same location!).

 

[JerseyGrl81]

Awe Ally- I am sorry you are having difficulty with your FMIL. My FMIL is nice most of the time and very generous to us. I do like her, but there are times when she just comes out with the meanest comments towards me. I posted a thread today about how she acted at my shower. I think she likes to be the center of attention and has a tendency to be jealous of others. Sometimes I just don''t know how to respond to her without getting nasty, so I just keep my mouth shut and vent to my fiance after. I know he hates that though! But better him get my wrath then her! Good luck with everything with your FMIL, I hope that things get back to normal with her soon. I think you are giving her a lot of concessions and don''t need to do anymore of her requests.

 

[Blair138]

Ally-I am really sorry that your FMIL wants your wedding to be a memorial ceremony. I am appalled by her requests and think she is WAY out of line.

As far as my relationship with my FMIL-it''s OK. She never really made me feel like her ''daughter'' but then again I don''t want/need that. We talk ocassionally, but she is very different from me and my mom. She has made some WEIRD comments here and there about how "I get everything I want" and "I needed to have a big ring so I made FI buy it" and I did call her out on it and she did apologize... however she has annoyed me with some wedding things. She and Step-FIL are paying for the rehearsal, but she refuses to send invites...well people need to know what is going on! She also barely invited family and friends to our wedding, I basically had to beg her to invite her people! I didn''t give her a person limit AT ALL and I am paying for it. She made a point to tell me that she thinks my flowers are too much, and after that I kinda stopped telling her too may details. Overall she is not a bad person, I could have it way worse.

Oh yeah, I forget, she and FSIL have a ''personal space'' problem and like to let themselves into FI''s house when we are not home and hang out, eat our food and use our internet/watch TV (actually FSIL only does those things)...I do have a problem with this, but can''t say anything until I move in...so if it doesn''t stop, I WILL be saying something!

 

[allycat0303]

Porridge: I initially thought about it as grieving, however, now that I really think about it, even in the past, I''ve noticed that when it comes to functions, she 100% believes that there is a certain way *things are done* PERIOD. Ideally, she wants us to have the traditional wedding. And this includes, ALL of the details down to the tiniest thing (i.e table of honor, full wedding mass at catholic church ...awkward because it''s no longer done, AND I''m not catholic.) We''re having our wedding ceremony practice on Wednesday and the priest said it was really informal. NO ONE from the bridal party is coming, but she INSISTED on coming. And she also INSISTED that as a couple in the church, we stand the same way she and her husband did (apparently you can stand facing, or in oblique to the people). I''m going to tell my fiance that I would prefer she not come to the reheresal. I''m sorry. But the priest said just the couple, so why would she need to come? I think she is coming so she can make decisions.

Icekid: I don''t know why she thinks limos+champagne are a sticking point. It was SUCH a HUGE fight. I was literally crying in front of her, and she kept saying, "Well your crazy, you obviously don''t know how things are done" I don''t know. I don''t drink, and I''m not caucasian. I don''t know if it''s considered totally weird to toast with the wine. I just think 2000$ is CRAZY. As for the limos....The church is 2 minutes away from the reception hall. It''s on the SAME STREET!!! It would take me 7 minutes to walk there.

packrat: I agree with you. I think I''ve been too accommodating, and now she feels she can push me around endlessly. The too asian thing, really gets to me too. What exactly is she saying. Like it or not, half the wedding SHOULD be asian!

jerseygrl81: I read your thread about the shower. I thought she acted SO strange! I couldn''t understand why she felt the need to make such comments. It''s unbelievable to me.

Blair138: Oh I remember you saying the big ring thing. Yeesh. And letting themselves in. Well that''s kind of creepy. I can''t imagine coming home and finding people in my house. I understand how it would be hard to withdraw the open-invitation though. And the key.

The more I write, the more I realize that she is overbearing. I have not made a single decision. She has vetoed everything from the time the cocktail hour starts, to when the cake is served. She has even made a list of how she wants my photographer to pose her (she wants him to take pictures of her right side) and what shots to take. The thing is, I chose my photographer for photo-journalist style. I DO NOT want any posed photographs. I''m going to have to sit fiance down today and just clear this up. I can''t take it anymore. I just feel like a BAD PERSON, because FIL just passed away, and she''s grieving, and I should do everything in my power to make it easier for her. You know? I feel guilty. But at the same time, there''s so much resentment building up again. I have a tendency to simmer for a while, and then just blow up completely.

Thanks for all the advice ladies! (And the stories) from the FMIL threads I''ve seen lately, it''s safe to say these things are never easy.

 

[KatyWI]

Ally, I am so sorry you have to deal with your MIL... you''ve been sort of an angel throughout this process it seems, and she has been a terrible beast. Hopefully it will let up after the wedding, at least - but if it doesn''t start, you should try to set some clearer boundaries between you and your DH and her.

My FMIL is pretty great. FI''s whole family is way different than mine - I was raised in an upper middle class highly educated Jewish family in Connecticut, and he has a HUGE Italian, Catholic family in WI with few college degrees among them. Our lives were EXTREMELY different. We are perfectly matched, it seems, with the same sorts of life goals and outlooks, but it can be hard for me to relate to my MI (having no idea what it''s like to have had it kinda rough at times in life). Though I feel silly for admitting it, my life has been pretty easy, no matter how difficult I''ve thought it has been at times. But I really do love her, and I call her mom, and she calls me her sixth kid and says she can''t wait to have another daughter. She doesn''t have the extra cash to contribute to the wedding, so she hasn''t made any strange requests or demands... I''m actually surprised by the fact that we haven''t come up against anything funny, but I''m glad for it!

 

[Porridge]

Ugh...well, I''ve given her all the excuses I can think of! I''m sorry, she really does just sound overbearing. There is no certain way things are "done", in my opinion. You do them the way you want to do them! It''s a friggin wedding, not a presidential inauguration. Put the foot down.

 

[Winslet]

Date: 6/9/2009 6:56:49 PM
Author: Porridge
It''s a friggin wedding, not a presidential inauguration. Put the foot down.

Haha, too funny!!! But SO true!

 

[anchor31]

It''s very sad that you FMIL wants to turn your wedding into a second funeral.

Too often people are so consumed by their grief or other issues that they have no idea how they are affecting everyone around them. I had huge issues with my MIL while planning the wedding, up to the day before, but we kept our foot down and everything turned out like we wanted it to. And guess what? She loved it. She came up to us at the reception and told us she should have trusted us, which is the closest thing we ever got from an apology. Our relationship is better since the wedding, but it''s still kind of awkward. I really hope that your FMIL can set aside her pain for one day and let you enjoy it to its fullest... And who knows, she might even enjoy it herself. I certainly hope so. Good luck, Ally, I''m looking forward to the pictures!

 

[allycat0303]

I`m so UPSET right now, I am going to explode. Originally I had thought that the neice should do a reading in the church (she''s 12 years old). I hadn''t realized that the reading was 2 pages long, and really difficult to read. My mom didn`t think it was appropriate. So I tell FMIL that my mom doesn''t think it''s ok, and she starts yelling at me that, ''''They had done full of concessions, and it was in THEIR church so it was going to be their WAY'''' I''m a little baffled a WHAT concessions they have made. And now I get the church thing thrown in my face. She totally took for granted that it SHOULD be in her church.

I called my fiance who told me he couldn''t deal with it. Granted he''s really busy and it''s really hectic at work, but this is the line in the sand.

So yeah. If this isn''t resolved and he doesn''t have a talk with FMIL and I get an apology, I''m done. I mean it. I don''t care if we are 2.5 weeks away from a wedding.

 

[Porridge]

Oh for god's sake. It's not her church, it's a public church, and it's YOUR WEDDING! And, I'm Irish, tons of catholic weddings under my belt, when has a reading ever been two pages long?? I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it!

Keep your foot firmly planted on this one Ally, this is getting ridiculous. And this is 100% your FI's problem to deal with. Who is he marrying, you or his mother?? Some people

 

[allycat0303]

Porridge:

It''s a reading and a psaume, REALLY long. But I can`t believe what she said to me. It really hurt. And when I talked to my fiance he actually said, '''' Well I talked to her, and she said it was becuase you didn''t explain to her that it was too long, you just told her that your mother didn''t think it was appropriate, so that''s why she reacted that way.

Do you read what I read in that statement?? Or is it just me???

And you know what Porridge, that''s the way this relationship is. IT''S ALWAYS my fault. He will stand for his best friend, his best friend''s girlfriend, his mother, and some random stranger in the street. He never says
'''' Jeez So-and-so was out of line.'''' EVER. And I ALWAYS defend him. Even when he''s wrong, I''m on his side. I''m so upset, I feel like I''m going to be sick.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Oh Ally, she is so far over the line, I can''t even stand it

Even if she misunderstood, I still don''t see what is so wrong about your mom finding it inappropriate. There is absolutely no reason for someone to speak to you that way. She is not the boss of you and your wedding, and has NO right to command you to do anything.

If she had asked why your mother disliked the reading, instead of blowing a gasket and going on a power trip, you could have told her.

She may be greaving, but how long will she use that as an excuse to treat you like her personal doormat? If she can''t control her emotions, then she should seek counseling, and phsychological/phsychiatric help. NO EXCUSE!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Just wanted to add that if you''re having doubts about this, it''s never too late to call the whole thing off. A lifetime to pandering to your MIL is a lot of deal with.

 

[allycat0303]

Brooklyngirl,

I''m just sitting here, and I''m so sad. We''re supposed to have rehersal dinner and practice tonight at the church.

I''m waiting for the church office to re-open at 13: 30 to cancel with our priest.

She was out of line, YES, but what I LOVE is the fact that my fiance is defending her, and saying it was MY FAULT. He was defending her. And even worst, when he talked to her after, she said,'''' that she hadn''t said that'''' So when I spoke to my boyfriend he implied that I was lying. Wonderful. I''m done.

 

[brooklyngirl]

That really is the worst part. How he's treating you really is making my blood boil. You've been putting up with this behavior for so long, and you've finally reached your breaking point. Thank goodness it was before the wedding. A partner who doesn't support you is no partner at all.

You're absolutely doing the right thing.

ETA HUGS.

Your FI must be DELUSIONAL. Seriously, who does such a thing? He should be putting her in her place. I"m sorry, but a man's wife has to come first always -- what's the point otherwise?

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 6/10/2009 1:30:24 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
Just wanted to add that if you''re having doubts about this, it''s never too late to call the whole thing off. A lifetime to pandering to your MIL is a lot of deal with.

Ditto - Ally I am late to this and I am so sorry you are having to put up with all this bloody nonsense!!

Your fiance is WAY out of line, I don''t know what the right decision is for you but if you do cancel better to do so now than to go through with it - him not supporting you is not on in my opinion.